Lust in my heart
December 10, 2006 11:33 AM Subscribe
Is thinking/fantasizing/looking at someone who is not your partner cheating? What if your partner thinks it is but you do not? What do you expect from your partner in addition to simple fidelity?
posted by bluejayk to human relations (76 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
So, my girlfriend asked me some questions I wish she hadn't asked. And I answered them, and now she's mad. The short of it: she feels like looking at porn, fantasizing about other women, or even entertaining sexual thoughts about women I see or meet is the same as cheating.
I don't think asking me to give up porn is unreasonable. I'm not sure what that means about sexual movies/TV shows, but I can understand why she would feel that is a threat to intimacy, and it's not a big part of my life.
What she got really mad about was my admission that I occasionally have sexual thoughts about other women. I don't really know what to say about this. I understand why it would make her feel bad/threatened. She says she doesn't think about anyone else but me, and asked me how I would feel if she thought about other guys. I wouldn't like it, but I would never ask her that question.
I doubt that attraction can be perfect or complete. I am extremely attracted to her and have never given her reason to doubt that. She is an insecure person, though.
"When you see a hot girl walk by, you shouldn't be thinking about what you'd like to do to her." I don't think about cheating on her, I'm not at all worried about my fidelity. But I do notice other women. I justify this kind of thing by saying its my biological drive to seek out other women. Out of devotion to her, I'm happy not to pursue those desires, but I'm not sure if I could eradicate those desires, even if I wanted to.
I really don't know if I could ever be a guy who sees beautiful women without thinking 'Damn, she is hot.'. It's not really a voluntary reaction, and I don't want to repress my thoughts.
So I'm not sure what to say or do. My girlfriend claims she doesn't care if this is how all guys are (I think at least most of them are, but maybe I am wrong). She is religious, but has mostly modern, liberated ideas about sex. She is not suspicious, or clingy. I feel really bad to make her feel bad, but I don't know if I can change. Or maybe I just don't want to change. I want to give her what she wants and deserves.
How common is this way of thinking? Do other women demand this? Do many guys oblige? If the genders were switched, would it be any different?