Should I let my boyfriend sleep with other women?
January 22, 2012 3:42 PM Subscribe
Is it a poor idea to let your partner have sex with other people, knowing that you will be hurt by it? Will it be more likely to help or hurt our relationship if he indulges in his fantasies with other women – and is this a reasonable compromise for someone to make?
posted by labandita to Human Relations (107 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I'll try to keep this from being too Special Snowflake, but I can't imagine my situation is entirely unique.
I am a 28 year old female dating a 28 year old male. We have been together in an intensely loving, deeply caring, very sexual and very satisfying relationship for several months. We are compatible and have a great deal in common – in short, we're crazy about each other.
The problem is that he has a very (*very*) strong desire to sleep with multiple women at the same time. I know that supposedly every male on the planet has this fantasy, but 1. I know this to be patently untrue; human variation is quite extensive and this stereotype is just that – a stereotype, and 2. my boyfriend on the other hand doesn't just think it'd be "kinda hot," he really, strongly, almost painfully seems to need it.
I could never have a threesome with him. The thought of watching him as he touches and is touched by some other woman actually makes me feel like sobbing and makes me feel palpably, physically ill. If he were to have a threesome, I could only possibly stand it if he arranged something on his own, without telling me when it was happening, and never spoke of it. I would almost feel better if he would say it was ok for me to sleep with other men, but he has made it clear that he is unwilling to reciprocate in this fashion. He wants to be able to sleep with other women, and he wants me to only sleep with him.
At the same time, he does genuinely love me, and after I told him how much it would hurt me to have a threesome, he very considerately dropped it. I can tell he still thinks about it, though, and he has admitted (after light prodding by me) that it is very hard for him to deny himself this experience. This is why I have considered proposing he find some women to do this with other than me, without making me have to know about it or think about it. He also prefers younger girls, so maybe he could work that into this, too.
tl;dr my boyfriend wants a threesome, my heart would break to watch him touching someone else, I might let him go "behind my back" with other girls, but I on the other hand would still have to be faithful to just him.
It would still hurt me. It still makes me upset. However, relationships involve compromise and sacrifice and if MeFi doesn't think it's insane, I would seriously consider it. I need outside opinions. I really can't tell whether this is completely reasonable or just plain stupid.
Throwaway: mediocre dawt hadron at hotmail dawt com