Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

October 4, 2009 11:34 AM

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside.

Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: [e-mail]

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

I think that your first option is to start exercising. It will help with your weight and self-esteem issues, and it might help you work off some nervous energy. You can do it for free, therefore saving limited funds for new clothes and some fun times when you are feeling more confident.
That's a first step. Maybe others will have more insight about the next step.
posted by Sara Anne at 11:46 AM on October 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

So, it seems your problems are 1. anxiety (related to your situation in life) and 2. horniness (related to your situation in life). And the anxiety is keeping you from doing anything about the horniness, and the horniness is keeping you from doing anything about the anxiety, and both are keeping you from doing anything about your situation in life.

Why not kill all your birds with one stone? Find a psychiatrist, find an anti-anxiety/depression med with libido-killing side effects (there are many out there, I believe). Take advantage of the newly un-horny, un-anxious you to fix your situation in life. Then, with that accomplished, get off the meds, get back in the saddle, and enjoy.
posted by Bardolph at 11:53 AM on October 4

three things:

1) I second the exercise. It will make you more attractive, more confident, and less anxious. And as long as you own running shoes, Couch-to-5k is basically free.

2) The only obstacles to getting a girlfriend (option #1) that you should focus on are: D and, by extension E. The parents, the lack of $, and your hirsute nature really aren't dealbreakers. They don't help, but if I was otherwise happy with someone, these wouldn't make me walk away.

3) If you are going to try internet dating, you need to put up a good, clear picture. If your friends see, don't make a big deal of it. They're looking, too apparently.

Good luck!
posted by mercredi at 11:59 AM on October 4

It sounds like #3 could be your best option. (for the record, it's how I met my husband) But don't discount the others. And it seems like a lot of your social anxiety is related to living with your parents. Either get over it, or move in with a roomie.

Option #3 - Go internet dating:
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
If they do, it's because they're on an internet dating site, too. Then the First Rule of Fight Club applies.

C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
Most of them let you try it out for free, and have how-tos on the website. It's less complicated than filling out a tax form.

E. Terrified.
It's not any scarier than going up to a girl at a bar and asking to buy her a drink.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:00 PM on October 4 [7 favorites has favorites]

Definitely agree about internet dating. Perhaps eHarmony would be a good site for you for a couple of reasons:

1. There are more women on the site than men (at least in the UK, where there are far, far more women than men) so your chances would be much better

2. Your picture can't be seen unless you're "matched" with someone, decreasing the chances that you'll be spotted.

Search for voucher codes online and a membership won't be very expensive.

But honestly, if you can't afford eHarmony or choose not to go with that service for other reasons, then just get on okcupid and put up a nice clear picture, write a funny, well thought out profile, and don't worry about whether anyone sees. Is there really a stigma to being on okcupid anymore??? I mean, if your profile is super cheesy or something then obviously it would be embarassing if anyone saw it, but you write well and if you put some effort in you'll come up with something really good I think.

And don't worry at all about the hairy back thing. No woman is going to care much about that. For many, now that it's coming on winter, it would be a plus to be in bed with someone who could keep them nice and warm and back hair would help with that!
posted by hazyjane at 12:10 PM on October 4

Sara Anne is right on about exercising as a way to work off nervous energy--it'll make you feel better physically, get you healthier, and help you to get more comfortable with your body (learn to be proud of your body for what it can do, rather than being ashamed of its hair back).

You also need regular human contact. You say you're socially isolated? Trying to go from social isolation straight into dating or hooking up is a recipe for failure. Getting out and spending time with new people--regardless of whether there's any chance of getting laid--is a first step. Moreover, expanding your social circle generally, rather than specifically targeting potential dates/girlfriends means possibly meeting a roommate or two with whom you could afford your own place and move out of your parents' house.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:15 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

What everyone is saying is that you're not finding love (or sex) because you're depressed, dude. It shows in your writing: anxious, self-effacing, yet oddly solipsistic. Your whole rationalization of this as "about sex" is off. You're trapped in an obsessive loop, "if I could just change this one thing."

No shame, lots of us have been there. But here's what you need to hear:

Get a better job. Move out of the folks' place, lose weight, get therapy, make friends, pursue a serious interest or an education, socialize, get off the computer (or socialize on it), and find the will to grow fully up.

Even if you want to have casual sexual experiences -- and there's nothing wrong with that -- you ain't getting there like this. That's a relatively competitive market for a male. You need your own place. Living with your folks is an instant disqualification for a huge number of women who might otherwise find you attractive, just to start with. That's not even to touch the weight and attitude issues. You exude lack of confidence, which is the opposite of sexy under most circumstances. It's way more important, in fact, than your appearance.

Forget prostitutes. You'll only end up more miserable than you already are.
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:21 PM on October 4 [6 favorites has favorites]

Here's another suggestion.

Find and join a therapy group. One that focuses on topics like "courage to be imperfect", "social anxiety", "depression", etc.

n'thing the Internet dating stuff and exercise. Also, take a class and learn something.

Good luck! :-)
posted by jchaw at 12:24 PM on October 4

You might be asking the wrong question. It sounds like you're saying
1) can't concentrate or get things done because of sexual preoccupations
2) masturbation doesn't quench it; need actual sex so that I can get my head straight
3) So how do I get sex?

It sounds analogous to "how can i get crack to help me with my weed cravings?" I'm not sure that the cravings/preoccupation will disappear with actual sex.

Try cutting out masturbation. If not that, cut out porn, assuming that's part of it.

Aside from moral arguments about this stuff, aside from medical discussions about porn/sex addictions, I think that a sexuality that is overly informed by porn is just not as interesting as one that is more authentic and sui generis.

The types of girls you mention (dressed-down starlets, the oh-so-coveted pretty bookshop girls) might not bet the avenue that would get you the results you're looking for.

It sounds like you need to start doing little tiny push ups of self-discipline. Don't shoot for the moon such that you're disappointed when you don't hit the mark, but be forgiving and set little goals. If you stray, gently guide yourself back.

Getting out of your comfort zone will help dislodge you out of your mental universe. It will hurt before it feels better, but you'll feel better in the end.
posted by degrees_of_freedom at 1:12 PM on October 4

Being embarrassed or worried about internet dating is so 1999. Go for it!

Remember...

1. Be yourself - don't write what you think people want to hear.
2. You will get rejected sometimes - everyone does. Don't take it personally.
3. Don't spend too much time e-mailing/IMing/texting/phoning before meeting in person.
4. Look at it as a way to meet loads of cool people you would never meet in your normal day-to-day life. Any sex/dating/relationship is just a bonus.

Good luck!
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 1:16 PM on October 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

About the hairy back, I can't say whether that's an issue for women or not, but if it's bothering you then you could always just shave it off. Nthing going to the gym, and trying internet dating.
posted by kylej at 1:20 PM on October 4

Links in this comment both NSFW.

If first and foremost you want sex and not a relationship then...

Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
Look up on the internet: punternet is one place (probably of many) that has reviews ("field reports") of prostitutes in various areas of the UK. With phone numbers and links to personal websites.

B. Morally confusing.
Yes true, but it could be viewed "someone's doing me a service and I'm paying what they ask for that service". But agreed, it's not an easy thing intellectually to get over.

C. Don't want to catch a disease.
Use a condom, I'd imagine 90% of prostitutes will insist anyway. And you'd probably be wise to do that with anyone you casually hook up with anyway, paid or not. To be sure bring a couple of condoms with you.

D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
A brothel close to where I once lived charges £50 for sex. So comparable to what you'd spend for a few rounds of drinks + taxi on a night out. For that £50 you're guaranteed to get laid.

E. Terrified.
This is her job and assuming she's not new, she's seen the same/similar as you many times. Part of her job is to make you feel relaxed... ideally so you enjoy it and *ahem* come back again. I think you'll feel similar as a teenager going into a chemist to buy condoms, so yes nerve wracking.

F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think a brothel with only one person working is not illegal in the UK. I'd recommend not carrying anything valuable or more cash than you'll need and probably not picking up street hookers, which will be more random.
posted by selton at 1:38 PM on October 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow. Looking over some of the suggestions here I'm kinda worried about what some people are recommending. Drugs? Therapy? Changing his whole life? Sheesh.

Okay, first of all, decide what you want. To me it sounds like you need a casual girlfriend.

Your back hair won't matter. The fact that you're overweight will matter a bit as it directly affects you. Exercise. Try to get in shape. This will improve your confidence and self-esteem.

Your main problem is confidence. Confidence comes from a lack of experience. What you need to do is go out and meet people. Don't go outside with the mindset that you're just looking for girls to have sex with. Go outside with the goal of meeting new people and gaining new friends and acquaintances. Meet guys and girls. Not just girls. That way you'll be approaching girls as actual people and not sex targets. A major turn off for girls is when guys approach them with the obvious air that the guy is approaching the girl solely because of physical attraction. The girls know that you might be attracted to them but they want you to approach them as they are and that is as people who have sexual sides, and social sides, and whatever else sides in them.

So basically:

Figure out what you want. Go outside and meet new people and learn how to talk with people (a good sense of humour is a huge advantage.) You'll end up meeting with girls. Ta-da!
posted by I-baLL at 1:41 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

A few minor points about online dating:

A. See Option #1 above.

One of the nice things about online dating is you can be really blunt and say things like, "Hey, I admit I'm not perfect -- I'm broke and living at home with my parents, and I'm a bit overweight," etc. Then let the chips fall where they may. Any women who don't like these facts about you will refrain from contacting you, which is a good thing for you since you won't waste your time with people who don't accept you the way you are.

B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.

I don't understand this sentence. That's like saying you don't want to walk down the street because someone might spot you. Well, yeah, but so what?

C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, but there are a lot of AskMetafilter questions talking about how online dating works in painstaking detail.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:17 PM on October 4

The internet is awesome, and considering that you're socially isolated, how many friends do you even have who might see your profile

No one cares about your hairy back or your slight pudge if they're already boinking you, for real.
posted by kathrineg at 2:34 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Although it seems most women don't like hairy men, of those who do like them, they REALLY like them. Personally, it drives me wild, and my husband (hairy, of course) says in his experience about 20% of women really, really like it. So you just need to meet a woman in that 20%.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:11 PM on October 4

Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

Everybody internet dates. I see people that I know on sites pretty often. There are overweight women, too. Don't worry about your back.

Work on your confidence. And women might be more responsive to "I want a partner" than "I want to get laid," but that's just me. You could probably re-purpose this ask.me on craigslist and meet someone who would help you out.

Use a condom.
posted by theora55 at 3:37 PM on October 4

The first step is to find out why you don't want to get laid.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:40 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dude. Three of your four options list "terrified." Terrified of what? Having a girl say no? As opposed to what, sitting in your parents' house on a Saturday night alone, jerking off? I hate to be brutal, but it's not like you have that much to lose. Internet dating is the way to go. Try a free service. Really, nobody, nobody gives a shit if you have a profile on an Internet dating site. If they do, they are from another dimension. Unless you are an MP or a celebrity on the level of Justin Timberlake.

Having a paunch or a hairy back does not present an insurmountable obstacle to getting laid. Being a neurotic, depressed person does.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:47 PM on October 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Who cares if someone you know spots your picture on a dating website? It's harder to find people who haven't gone on an internet date. That's how I have found boyfriends and just dates. Slap up a cute picture. Be honest in the profile. Go out on a date or two. Okcupid is a good (free) start; I've met great guys on it. Just bust it. And follow some of the above advice - exercise and eat well. These things will help your self-confidence, your weight, your overall health, your skin, your hair. Find an exercise buddy if you're having a hard time getting out there on your own.

If you don't think you rock (or at least somewhat), no one else is going to think so either.

Good luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 4:08 PM on October 4

You're over thinking a plate of beans. Dude, you just want to get laid. Somewhere very close to you is a girl who will find you attractive (true!) who also wants to get laid. This is a good and natural thing. Just find the right girl, treat her well, and don't be stupid or terrified about it.

FWIW, I have witnessed more than one guy in your situation (even the hairy back thing) successfully climb Mt. Sex by simply going to the right club with the right wing man. Your wing man should be enthusiastic about getting you to the top of that mountain. You should share that enthusiasm.

Tell her that there are roommates are at your place. This means that you will have to go to her place. And there is no requirement to dance.

Friday night is in five days. Better start getting a plan together.
posted by quadog at 6:25 PM on October 4

I think any kind of dating is a very bad idea. Get your shit together, seriously. You want sex? Go for a run, work for it. These things in your life aren't going to change, if you get lucky at a bar. Take care of yourself and get on the path of being happy or at least ready for when something good comes along.
posted by mattsweaters at 6:39 PM on October 4

Mind blocking sex chemicals? Do you think these guys were getting mad tail? Probably not, but they put a guy on the moon. Ghandi didn't get any, and he defeated the world's greatest empire.

Sex is not that important. It is not an essential biological function. Many people who did extraordinary things were totally celibate. Stop talking up the importance of this to yourself.
posted by elektrotechnicus at 7:00 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

FWIW, I'm with the people saying that you shouldn't really be focusing so specifically on getting laid right now, and here's why: all of these problems actually have solutions. They're just not easy ones. See:

Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
Move out.
B. Broke.
Acquire job, or, if you have a job, acquire better job.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
Exercise. Shave back.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
Exercise. See therapist. Engage in low-pressure social activities, ie. volunteering, where you can meet people with whom you share a common interest.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.
Don't look for a full-on girlfriend.

Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
Don't go to pick-up bar/club environment/go to pick-up bar/club environment with a few friends who can help you feel more comfortable. To acquire friends, see response to 2-D.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
Take lessons. Community centres sometimes run free classes; you won't learn 'club' dancing but you'll get a basic sense of rhythm and gain comfort moving around to music.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
Use protection. Communicate beforehand.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
Communicate beforehand.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
No one does. Communicate beforehand.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
Go to her place. If nervous about divulging that you live with your parents, tell her your place is too messy to take a lady-type back to.
G. Terrified.
Cope and/or drink.

Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
See answers to Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
Develop witty comeback for (vanishingly rare) possibility that someone you know will a) spot you, and b) actually care enough to, uh, care.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
Follow dating site rules. Communicate.
D. See Option #2 above.
See answers to option #2 above.
E. Terrified.
Cope.

Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
Communicate.
B. Morally confusing.
I have no idea what this means.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
Use protection. Communicate. (Small point: sex trade workers are generally sticklers about using protection and getting tested regularly, as, you know, their livelihood and their lives depend on it.)
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
Save.
E. Terrified.
Cope.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.
Remind yourself that millions of people do this every day and night without being arrested.

Like I said: not easy solutions, and some of them should be used in combination (you certainly don't have to do EVERY SINGLE ONE, but you get the idea). But I see this kind of thing a lot; guys who totally don't have their shit together, who have all these barriers between them and getting laid or having a relationship and know it, and can clearly identify all those barriers - yet want to get laid and maybe have a relationship anyway, without putting in the work first.

No one really gets to do that - I mean, people do it, but it's never successful. No one is entitled to sex just because they want it. Manic Pixie Dream Girls do not exist in real life; no one is going to show up with the singular purpose of making you happy and fulfilling your desires, and it sounds a bit like that's what you really want right now. You need to let that go.

Think of it this way: if you met a girl who, in her mid-twenties, still lived with her parents, was broke, didn't take care of her appearance (not just as in "didn't wear makeup", but as in, "was insecure about the way she looked and wasn't willing to work on that with things like exercise and, like, trying to look better for herself"), was openly terrified of many things that are just... part of the deal when you decide to have sex with someone, frankly, and didn't seem to realize the importance of communication with a potential sex partner - not to mention was too anxious and isolated to actually approach you, so you couldn't be sure of her interest - how stoked would you be to take her to bed? I mean, when you think about it with your head and not your junk.

Work on yourself first. Be the change you want to see in your sex life. People have already mentioned that you sound depressive; they're right. Start with that.

Christ, I'm pedantic. In my defense, most of the length of this is the list. I swear.
posted by ellehumour at 8:26 PM on October 4 [5 favorites has favorites]

Someone will want to date you even if you are broke and live with your parents. You might consider getting your back waxed. I don't think the overweight thing will hinder you that much. Just take a look around, women are really not that picky, it just seems like it because you are down on yourself.

Don't go to a prostitute, for all the reasons you listed above, and because when you do get a girlfriend, if she finds out, she'll hate you.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 9:46 PM on October 4

i_love_squirrels: "Don't go to a prostitute, for all the reasons you listed above, and because when you do get a girlfriend, if she finds out, she'll hate you."

Good solution to this, don't tell her.
posted by kathrineg at 9:56 PM on October 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sex is not that important. It is not an essential biological function.

Whoa there. Not only is it an "essential biological function," it is *the* "essential" biological function. True, you can "live without it," unlike food or water, but there is no drive in the primate brain (or any other brain) more essential and basic, and unless you face imminent starvation, you'll likely experience sexual drives as quite the equivalent of the other "essential" functions. We only eat, in biological terms, so we can get laid anyway. Sure there are celibates. Ask a few Catholic priests how well that works out. And don't even begin talking about Gandhi's sexuality as if he didn't have any, unless you want to open a nice big can of weird worms.

There is no shame in admitting you're motivated by a desire for sexual experiences as a goal for self-improvement. I'd bet it's really the only effective goal for such things as losing weight, dressing better, getting a better job.

You can go half crazy from being alone, from having no sexual contact, from feeling unattractive and undesirable. Those feelings can and often are symptomatic of a broader underlying depression or neurosis, but unless they generate parasexual behaviors that become addictions or disrupt your ability to live happily (aforementioned addictions to porn, obsessive thinking about sex, etc). they're NORMAL feelings and they have good motivational potential for a depressed person to draw on.

Don't add to this poor guy's problems by shaming him for feeling what every normal heterosexual man (hell, any normal person) has felt at some point or other in life. Sex is indeed a basic biological drive, and a real human need.
posted by fourcheesemac at 3:54 AM on October 5 [6 favorites has favorites]

Follow-up from the OP "the anonymous poster's email borked; he has a new one at [e-mail]"
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 AM on October 5

You were me earlier this year. I'm about your age. I still live with my parents.

I suggest you find the community. I did. I know its members can help you.
posted by zenm at 11:21 PM on October 5

I couldn't help but notice the word "terrified" or its synonym appeared more than once in your post. I'm going to share with you something utterly silly that I figured out one time....that changed my entire life. Some brief background...I'm a woman, and haven't had precisely the same problem that you're having now, BUT, I can relate in the sense that I used to let "fear" keep me from achieving things that were very important to me. So what I said to myself one night was, "For the rest of this evening, I am going to act as if I am not afraid of anything. I know I still am, but I'm going to pretend that I'm not. I will do just what I would do if I were perfectly self-confident." And I did, and I know this sounds a tad cheesy. BUT...from that night on, my life has never been the same. The things that used to hold me back are either A) gone, or B)irrelevant. I swear, if you say this to yourself and make it your mantra, you will notice a HUGE difference. Do what you would do if you weren't afraid. It'll be our little secret, you know? Best to you, my dear!
posted by lucky25 at 10:48 PM on October 13 [2 favorites has favorites]

Everyone's covered all the things you need to do above. Most important of all, before you are able to be with anyone: you need to be with YOURSELF. Block and tackle the items that are important for you, and the rest will come through self-confidence of improving your situation.
posted by omidius at 11:17 AM on October 28