Shy men, give me some insight
September 5, 2013 10:08 AM Subscribe
I'm trying to get to know a shy guy. How to proceed?
I spend a fair amount of time doing Crossfit, and there's a guy there I find to be very attractive. He mostly keeps to himself and I'm not sure why, but I'm intrigued by him and would like to get to know him better.
I asked a trainer with whom I'm friendly about this guy, and he said he is "shy, probably to a fault." He also said the guy is awkward, which I find endearing. The other day, I was working out near shy guy and he actually initiated conversation and introduced himself to me. Then he sat across from me while we both rested and I asked him what he did for work and we made some idle chitchat about the gym being closed over the weekend and not being able to work out. He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing. I'm a reformed shy person, and although I generally don't mind approaching someone, every now and then I worry that I'm being super annoying and maybe the guy is trying to politely blow me off. Yesterday we were both at the gym again and passed each other while walking outside, and I made it a point to look at him, smile, and ask how he was doing. He met my eye contact, also smiled and asked how I was. Then when I left I walked right past him, waved and said goodbye. He looked a little startled, but then said goodbye as well.
I'm not someone who believes men must ALWAYS initiate flirting and dates, but I definitely feel there must be effort from both parties and right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him, even though I'm probably not, but still. I'm not sure if I should keep making an effort because if he's shy, maybe it will just take him a little longer to come out of his shell. Or maybe he's just not into me at all and I'm wasting my time.
I have a feeling the overarching theme will be to ask him out specifically on a date, but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet, or that we even have much in common besides crossfit. I'm also more interested in how shy guys perceive assertive women. How do you flirt? What signs does a shy guy give when he's interested? How do I know if he's truly interested, or just trying to be polite? If I go out of my way to try and make conversation with him and try to get to know him more, will that be scary for him?
We're both mid 20's if that helps. Thanks!
I spend a fair amount of time doing Crossfit, and there's a guy there I find to be very attractive. He mostly keeps to himself and I'm not sure why, but I'm intrigued by him and would like to get to know him better.
I asked a trainer with whom I'm friendly about this guy, and he said he is "shy, probably to a fault." He also said the guy is awkward, which I find endearing. The other day, I was working out near shy guy and he actually initiated conversation and introduced himself to me. Then he sat across from me while we both rested and I asked him what he did for work and we made some idle chitchat about the gym being closed over the weekend and not being able to work out. He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing. I'm a reformed shy person, and although I generally don't mind approaching someone, every now and then I worry that I'm being super annoying and maybe the guy is trying to politely blow me off. Yesterday we were both at the gym again and passed each other while walking outside, and I made it a point to look at him, smile, and ask how he was doing. He met my eye contact, also smiled and asked how I was. Then when I left I walked right past him, waved and said goodbye. He looked a little startled, but then said goodbye as well.
I'm not someone who believes men must ALWAYS initiate flirting and dates, but I definitely feel there must be effort from both parties and right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him, even though I'm probably not, but still. I'm not sure if I should keep making an effort because if he's shy, maybe it will just take him a little longer to come out of his shell. Or maybe he's just not into me at all and I'm wasting my time.
I have a feeling the overarching theme will be to ask him out specifically on a date, but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet, or that we even have much in common besides crossfit. I'm also more interested in how shy guys perceive assertive women. How do you flirt? What signs does a shy guy give when he's interested? How do I know if he's truly interested, or just trying to be polite? If I go out of my way to try and make conversation with him and try to get to know him more, will that be scary for him?
We're both mid 20's if that helps. Thanks!
I have a feeling the overarching theme will be to ask him out specifically on a date
Yes, do this.
but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet
Well, this is why you should go out on a date.
or that we even have much in common besides crossfit.
You will find this out during your date.
I am not a shy dude, but I have dated shy dudes. From my reading of what you wrote here, this guy would probably respond well to being asked on a date. He initiated a conversation with you. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DEAL.
So ask the guy out. I'd do it when you guys are wrapping up at the gym, maybe say something like, "hey, would you be free for dinner [or some date type activity] on Friday night?" and then, in order to give him some breathing room in case he looks like he might be awkward about responding, give him a piece of paper with your phone number written on it and say, "you can text me and let me know!" and then gracefully give him some space.
Good luck!
posted by phunniemee at 10:20 AM on September 5, 2013 [8 favorites]
Yes, do this.
but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet
Well, this is why you should go out on a date.
or that we even have much in common besides crossfit.
You will find this out during your date.
I am not a shy dude, but I have dated shy dudes. From my reading of what you wrote here, this guy would probably respond well to being asked on a date. He initiated a conversation with you. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DEAL.
So ask the guy out. I'd do it when you guys are wrapping up at the gym, maybe say something like, "hey, would you be free for dinner [or some date type activity] on Friday night?" and then, in order to give him some breathing room in case he looks like he might be awkward about responding, give him a piece of paper with your phone number written on it and say, "you can text me and let me know!" and then gracefully give him some space.
Good luck!
posted by phunniemee at 10:20 AM on September 5, 2013 [8 favorites]
well... fwiw, some men (myself included at times) really need pretty unambiguous signals, for various reasons. If I was single and had the interactions you describe I wouldn't interpret it as "hey maybe she is interested in me", because well it's dangerous and disrespectful to assume that all women who are friendly want you to hit on them and what you describe sounds like pleasant strangers of either genders passing the time of day.
He may well find you attractive but not want to make you feel uncomfortable or created an awkward situation in a place where both of you go for a specific purpose.
(or he may in a relationship, or is gay or....)
TBH, yeah, the low pressure direct method works best. "Hey if you're free I was wondering if you want to catch a drink/bite/?? afterwards sometime?" then if you really want both sides to make the effort and he says sure, you say "great, just let me know when works for you"
Anyways... tldr: flirting is ambiguous, don't be ambiguous
posted by edgeways at 10:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [24 favorites]
He may well find you attractive but not want to make you feel uncomfortable or created an awkward situation in a place where both of you go for a specific purpose.
(or he may in a relationship, or is gay or....)
TBH, yeah, the low pressure direct method works best. "Hey if you're free I was wondering if you want to catch a drink/bite/?? afterwards sometime?" then if you really want both sides to make the effort and he says sure, you say "great, just let me know when works for you"
Anyways... tldr: flirting is ambiguous, don't be ambiguous
posted by edgeways at 10:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [24 favorites]
He met my eye contact, also smiled and asked how I was.
Your instincts are good, it does sound like he's interested. I think you've got better than even odds if you ask.
FWIW, I think it unlikely that you would be asked by him, in this situation. It took me years (decades) to realize when women were hinting or hitting on me. I suspect that he simply remembers you as that cute, friendly girl at the gym, and doesn't realize that you're actually interested.
posted by bonehead at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your instincts are good, it does sound like he's interested. I think you've got better than even odds if you ask.
FWIW, I think it unlikely that you would be asked by him, in this situation. It took me years (decades) to realize when women were hinting or hitting on me. I suspect that he simply remembers you as that cute, friendly girl at the gym, and doesn't realize that you're actually interested.
posted by bonehead at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
If he's shy enough, he might not feel comfortable flirting. He might be thinking of all the possible realities and reasons for you to be nice to him, and might be leaning towards "she's a nice, outgoing person, and we're doing something similar in close proximity, so she's making polite conversation."
posted by filthy light thief at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2013
posted by filthy light thief at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2013
I have a feeling the overarching theme will be to ask him out specifically on a date, but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet, or that we even have much in common besides crossfit.
Dating is one way to determine if you have things in common and to get to know someone better. I'm not saying you should ask him out on a date, just that not knowing someone well is a poor reason to avoid asking them out on a date.
The other day, I was working out near shy guy and he actually initiated conversation and introduced himself to me.
If he's super shy and awkward and he introduced imself to you and started conversation with you that seems like 'effort' to me. Has he done that with anyone else, that you're aware of?
He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing.
His walking away could be because he got too nervous to handle the situation and ended it awkwardly. Awkward dude's are gonna awkward. I know that a lot of times I just can't tell if someone is just a nice friendly person or is specifically into me and the idea of putting myself out there is horrifying. If I'm talking to someone and I run out of things to say or just get too nervous I'd probably walk away too.
posted by Green With You at 10:29 AM on September 5, 2013
Dating is one way to determine if you have things in common and to get to know someone better. I'm not saying you should ask him out on a date, just that not knowing someone well is a poor reason to avoid asking them out on a date.
The other day, I was working out near shy guy and he actually initiated conversation and introduced himself to me.
If he's super shy and awkward and he introduced imself to you and started conversation with you that seems like 'effort' to me. Has he done that with anyone else, that you're aware of?
He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing.
His walking away could be because he got too nervous to handle the situation and ended it awkwardly. Awkward dude's are gonna awkward. I know that a lot of times I just can't tell if someone is just a nice friendly person or is specifically into me and the idea of putting myself out there is horrifying. If I'm talking to someone and I run out of things to say or just get too nervous I'd probably walk away too.
posted by Green With You at 10:29 AM on September 5, 2013
How do you flirt? What signs does a shy guy give when he's interested?
Most shy guys do not flirt at all, and sometimes have a tough time even figuring out what "flirt" means. I remember thinking, "What is it double entendres? Winking?! I can't do that out of the blue!"
They will show interest by trying to be around you and trying to talk to you, like this guy did. From what you've written about his level of shyness, it probably took great effort.
A possible reason that he left during your conversation and has not started a subsequent conversation is that he feels that if he says something to you, it has to be really good and relevant. I remember this weird idea causing me to think rapidly and silently about what a good thing to say would be and just end up being weirdly silent around girls.
The best course of action may be to either invite him on a low-pressure date involving some activity that doesn't require talking all the time, like maybe some weekend hiking or crossfitting, or continue talking to him at class until he feels talking is more low-pressure thing to do with you.
posted by ignignokt at 10:43 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Most shy guys do not flirt at all, and sometimes have a tough time even figuring out what "flirt" means. I remember thinking, "What is it double entendres? Winking?! I can't do that out of the blue!"
They will show interest by trying to be around you and trying to talk to you, like this guy did. From what you've written about his level of shyness, it probably took great effort.
A possible reason that he left during your conversation and has not started a subsequent conversation is that he feels that if he says something to you, it has to be really good and relevant. I remember this weird idea causing me to think rapidly and silently about what a good thing to say would be and just end up being weirdly silent around girls.
The best course of action may be to either invite him on a low-pressure date involving some activity that doesn't require talking all the time, like maybe some weekend hiking or crossfitting, or continue talking to him at class until he feels talking is more low-pressure thing to do with you.
posted by ignignokt at 10:43 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm also more interested in how shy guys perceive assertive women.
I can't speak for all shy men, but I've always loved assertive women. I'm married now, but when I was single I had trouble telling apart friendliness and flirting. So, I generally didn't make a move. I worried about rejection, but I also worried that some expression of interest in the other person would be a social transgression. (This is the scenario I imagined: Some perfectly friendly, cute woman is being nice to the weirdo at the gym and he mistakes the fact that someone actually spoke to him for an indication that she was interested in him and then has the gall to actually ask her on a date.) With assertive women, I knew where I stood and felt more secure. I didn't have to decode ambiguous social signals. I was still shy, but I did much better. Without assertive women, I would be a lonely man.
right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him
Yeah, I wouldn't have understood that someone behaving as you describe was obviously expressing interest in me. You might just be a friendly, nice person.
He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing.
I used to do this sort of thing. I didn't know how to begin conversations, end conversations, or smoothly switch topics. I was bad at social transitions. So, sometimes I would be weirdly abrupt. My wife still teases me for how I'd suddenly end phone conversations with her back when we were first dating.
I definitely feel there must be effort from both parties
If this guy really is shy to a fault, coming over and talking to you may be what constitutes effort for him. Of course, it is fine to decide that's not enough; that you need something more.
posted by Area Man at 10:53 AM on September 5, 2013 [5 favorites]
I can't speak for all shy men, but I've always loved assertive women. I'm married now, but when I was single I had trouble telling apart friendliness and flirting. So, I generally didn't make a move. I worried about rejection, but I also worried that some expression of interest in the other person would be a social transgression. (This is the scenario I imagined: Some perfectly friendly, cute woman is being nice to the weirdo at the gym and he mistakes the fact that someone actually spoke to him for an indication that she was interested in him and then has the gall to actually ask her on a date.) With assertive women, I knew where I stood and felt more secure. I didn't have to decode ambiguous social signals. I was still shy, but I did much better. Without assertive women, I would be a lonely man.
right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him
Yeah, I wouldn't have understood that someone behaving as you describe was obviously expressing interest in me. You might just be a friendly, nice person.
He definitely seemed nervous and awkward, and then he sort of...just got up and went back to doing his own thing.
I used to do this sort of thing. I didn't know how to begin conversations, end conversations, or smoothly switch topics. I was bad at social transitions. So, sometimes I would be weirdly abrupt. My wife still teases me for how I'd suddenly end phone conversations with her back when we were first dating.
I definitely feel there must be effort from both parties
If this guy really is shy to a fault, coming over and talking to you may be what constitutes effort for him. Of course, it is fine to decide that's not enough; that you need something more.
posted by Area Man at 10:53 AM on September 5, 2013 [5 favorites]
I have a feeling the overarching theme will be to ask him out specifically on a date, but I don't feel like I know him well enough to do so yet, or that we even have much in common besides crossfit. I'm also more interested in how shy guys perceive assertive women. How do you flirt? What signs does a shy guy give when he's interested? How do I know if he's truly interested, or just trying to be polite? If I go out of my way to try and make conversation with him and try to get to know him more, will that be scary for him?
Here's the thing, in my experience. Being shy means you're sort of living in your own head and afraid or cautious about dealing with others for whatever reasons.
So what I see here is you describing a situation where a guy initiated a conversation with you at a gym and introduced himself. Yet you're still wondering whether he's interested or if its just all in your head. And I'm thinking, He initiated the conversation, introduced himself and conversed with you while y'all were both resting after a workout. That's like a huge blinking sign that says "I'm interested in you". I don't get how you're asking for signs that a shy guy is interested, 'cause the one you like clearly is.
Yet you describe him as just getting up and walking away. What did you do or say at that point? 'cause it sounds like he did a ton of work for a shy guy and didn't hear anything back to encourage him. That's probably why he was startled when you said "goodbye" because he's thinking he didn't get anywhere and might be too scared/cautious to go further.
You both seem to be living in your own heads and not perceiving the signals being sent. I think you should make it clear that you'd be interested in grabbing a snack after a workout or something similar. Not a DATE date, but a bit of short time where you two can hang out and chat.
Finally, be careful about dating someone from your favorite gym. Things can awkward if the relationship sours.
Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:09 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here's the thing, in my experience. Being shy means you're sort of living in your own head and afraid or cautious about dealing with others for whatever reasons.
So what I see here is you describing a situation where a guy initiated a conversation with you at a gym and introduced himself. Yet you're still wondering whether he's interested or if its just all in your head. And I'm thinking, He initiated the conversation, introduced himself and conversed with you while y'all were both resting after a workout. That's like a huge blinking sign that says "I'm interested in you". I don't get how you're asking for signs that a shy guy is interested, 'cause the one you like clearly is.
Yet you describe him as just getting up and walking away. What did you do or say at that point? 'cause it sounds like he did a ton of work for a shy guy and didn't hear anything back to encourage him. That's probably why he was startled when you said "goodbye" because he's thinking he didn't get anywhere and might be too scared/cautious to go further.
You both seem to be living in your own heads and not perceiving the signals being sent. I think you should make it clear that you'd be interested in grabbing a snack after a workout or something similar. Not a DATE date, but a bit of short time where you two can hang out and chat.
Finally, be careful about dating someone from your favorite gym. Things can awkward if the relationship sours.
Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:09 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am a clueless and awkward person. I have no idea what flirting even means, because I've only seen it in movies. I certainly don't know how to do it non-disastrously or how to distinguish it from social politeness in others. If you're interested, go ahead and ask him out, but try not to put the rhetorical onus on him. More "I think I'd have fun going out with you," less "would you like to go out with me."
posted by Nomyte at 11:10 AM on September 5, 2013
posted by Nomyte at 11:10 AM on September 5, 2013
I am an extroverted, outgoing person, but my Beloved Bear is a true Shy Guy. We still laugh about the fact that following our truly awesome first date which included completely effortless conversation, after he had walked me to the ferry dock where I had to catch a boat home and we talked endlessly there, I had to tell him repeatedly, as in, four or five times, that I really liked him and really wanted him to call me again because I wanted to see him again. He told me he still wasn't sure I was really interested after that, but because I had been so insistent he took a chance.
Yes, you will need to ask him out. Shy Guy needs an unambiguous (but polite, giving him an out) invitation if he is anything like my Bear.
posted by bearwife at 11:23 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes, you will need to ask him out. Shy Guy needs an unambiguous (but polite, giving him an out) invitation if he is anything like my Bear.
posted by bearwife at 11:23 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Beyond shy, there is another possibility at play here...that he has no idea that people can be into him. It just never crosses his mind. So it's possible that what you feel is very obvious flirting is actually not being picked up at all by him because he sees it as polite chit chat.
Honestly, I think asking out a shy person is the best a shy person can hope for. They don't have to risk being turned down which can cause crippling anxiety in some people.
So yeah...you're going to have to ask. If you fall for shy people, you have to bridge a further gap before you can reach them, but it can still be rewarding.
posted by inturnaround at 11:30 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I think asking out a shy person is the best a shy person can hope for. They don't have to risk being turned down which can cause crippling anxiety in some people.
So yeah...you're going to have to ask. If you fall for shy people, you have to bridge a further gap before you can reach them, but it can still be rewarding.
posted by inturnaround at 11:30 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Agree with others, but as a shy guy I'm always wary of misinterpreting. For me, the clue-by-four that gets beyond the "oh, she's just a really nice person who is being friendly" is touch. That said, most of the time, I get the signals about 4 hours after they were sent.
posted by idb at 11:44 AM on September 5, 2013
posted by idb at 11:44 AM on September 5, 2013
I married my shy guy, and early on he was completely oblivious that I was interested in him. To any other man I would have been throwing myself at him, to him I was a friendly person who he so wanted to ask out but he couldn't tell if I was interested. Even when I asked him out he had himself convinced it was a sympathy date.
In your situation, I'd be casually friendly at a few more sessions, and then ask him if he'd like to get a coffee. Do not leave it an open ended "sometime' ask or he'll talk himself out of it, just ask directly if he wants to grab a coffee afterwards.
The amount of effort put into the flirting/dating might seem uneven to you at first, but if he is interested and is really shy then just turning up might take all he's got. Good news is once he catches on that your interested in return things move a little easier. I am completely biased but I like shy guys, but they aren't for everyone.
posted by wwax at 12:01 PM on September 5, 2013
In your situation, I'd be casually friendly at a few more sessions, and then ask him if he'd like to get a coffee. Do not leave it an open ended "sometime' ask or he'll talk himself out of it, just ask directly if he wants to grab a coffee afterwards.
The amount of effort put into the flirting/dating might seem uneven to you at first, but if he is interested and is really shy then just turning up might take all he's got. Good news is once he catches on that your interested in return things move a little easier. I am completely biased but I like shy guys, but they aren't for everyone.
posted by wwax at 12:01 PM on September 5, 2013
well... fwiw, some men (myself included at times) really need pretty unambiguous signals, for various reasons. If I was single and had the interactions you describe I wouldn't interpret it as "hey maybe she is interested in me", because well it's dangerous and disrespectful to assume that all women who are friendly want you to hit on them and what you describe sounds like pleasant strangers of either genders passing the time of day.
I agree. If he is a nice guy (as opposed to a Nice Guy®), he is probably overly sensitive about trying to hit on people in those kinds of settings. So yeah, absolutely, ask him out for a drink.
posted by gjc at 1:43 PM on September 5, 2013
I agree. If he is a nice guy (as opposed to a Nice Guy®), he is probably overly sensitive about trying to hit on people in those kinds of settings. So yeah, absolutely, ask him out for a drink.
posted by gjc at 1:43 PM on September 5, 2013
You've got a couple choices here:
1) Directly ask him out.
2) Continue to chat him up when you see him, look for little ways to increase connection (find something to send him in email, walk out to your car with him, etc) and be very patient. This can get rather trying though.
Don't worry about annoying him if you go the slow way. If you're putting him off he'll start avoiding you, wrapping himself up in his own thing, coming at a different time, etc. If he's always at the right place and time to see you, he's almost certainly interested.
Good luck.
posted by mattu at 1:56 PM on September 5, 2013
1) Directly ask him out.
2) Continue to chat him up when you see him, look for little ways to increase connection (find something to send him in email, walk out to your car with him, etc) and be very patient. This can get rather trying though.
Don't worry about annoying him if you go the slow way. If you're putting him off he'll start avoiding you, wrapping himself up in his own thing, coming at a different time, etc. If he's always at the right place and time to see you, he's almost certainly interested.
Good luck.
posted by mattu at 1:56 PM on September 5, 2013
Looking at him and smiling and engaging in chitchat isn't being flirty, it is being friendly. If he is she he is never going to take smiling and chitchat as an invitation! You're going to have to be more forward than that. Or give up. But I'd recommend just asking him out.
posted by Justinian at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2013
posted by Justinian at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2013
There is no sign so obvious, so unambiguous that we cant manage, somehow, to miss it.
This point cannot be emphasized enough. Give that thread a read and ask the guy out for coffee, because he might not notice a mountain of dropped hints.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:15 PM on September 5, 2013
This point cannot be emphasized enough. Give that thread a read and ask the guy out for coffee, because he might not notice a mountain of dropped hints.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:15 PM on September 5, 2013
Ask him out.
I'm not a shy guy as such, but it's taken dozens of missed opportunities for me to realise that when an opportunity floats by I have to take it. He may not have made it that far.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:26 PM on September 5, 2013
I'm not a shy guy as such, but it's taken dozens of missed opportunities for me to realise that when an opportunity floats by I have to take it. He may not have made it that far.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:26 PM on September 5, 2013
I'm a shy guy who never quite knows where I stand with people--including those I find attractive. As a result I am a very slow and hesitant initiator. If it weren't for my more assertive but almost-as-shy partner, the relationship never would've blossomed.
Chances are your shy guy is the same way: simply oblivious of your attraction or too lacking in self confidence.
Try and chat him up a little more and ask him out. Give him a nice way out though. The suggestion of letting him text you later to find out is a good one---you'll know if he's genuinely interested.
posted by stubbehtail at 3:58 PM on September 5, 2013
Chances are your shy guy is the same way: simply oblivious of your attraction or too lacking in self confidence.
Try and chat him up a little more and ask him out. Give him a nice way out though. The suggestion of letting him text you later to find out is a good one---you'll know if he's genuinely interested.
posted by stubbehtail at 3:58 PM on September 5, 2013
edgeways: "fwiw, some men (myself included at times) really need pretty unambiguous signals, for various reasons."
Just to give some specific examples, here are some things which women have done that did not seem like romantic overtures at the time:
- asked for my telephone number with the stated goal of meeting up next time she was in town
- approached me in a grocery store and invited me to her apartment for lunch
- asked me to be her date for prom, using the words, "Will you be my date?"
(Of course, I'll never know how many of these actually did have romantic intent behind them, but I've been repeatedly assured that most people would at least consider the possibility. I did not.)
Here's something that at least got me to consider the possibility: she said to me, "I feel attracted to you" and, later in the conversation, "You have a lot going for you." Two dinners later, as we are in her apartment holding hands on her couch, I felt the need to clarify, "Is this a date? Are we dating?"
thank you silence: "right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him"
I think so far you've held up your end of a conversation that he initiated, and then acknowledged him as you passed in the hallway. For a sufficiently shy person, this isn't even enough to prove you don't secretly hate his guts.
posted by d. z. wang at 4:33 PM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just to give some specific examples, here are some things which women have done that did not seem like romantic overtures at the time:
- asked for my telephone number with the stated goal of meeting up next time she was in town
- approached me in a grocery store and invited me to her apartment for lunch
- asked me to be her date for prom, using the words, "Will you be my date?"
(Of course, I'll never know how many of these actually did have romantic intent behind them, but I've been repeatedly assured that most people would at least consider the possibility. I did not.)
Here's something that at least got me to consider the possibility: she said to me, "I feel attracted to you" and, later in the conversation, "You have a lot going for you." Two dinners later, as we are in her apartment holding hands on her couch, I felt the need to clarify, "Is this a date? Are we dating?"
thank you silence: "right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him"
I think so far you've held up your end of a conversation that he initiated, and then acknowledged him as you passed in the hallway. For a sufficiently shy person, this isn't even enough to prove you don't secretly hate his guts.
posted by d. z. wang at 4:33 PM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, if your shy guy is a good listener and knows any women platonically, he's probably heard repeatedly about creepy guys hitting on them at the gym. Which is great for all the women at your gym whom he's not going to harass but means you'll have to do extra work to reassure him he wouldn't be perceived as creepy by asking you out.
posted by d. z. wang at 4:38 PM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by d. z. wang at 4:38 PM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Do not ask him about or mention his shyness. As a pretty quiet and shy-ish guy, that really freaks me out and makes me want to talk even less.
Men in general, and especially shy ones, sometimes prefer to wait for women to make the first move, so you'll probably have to do that in this case, but yeah, don't mention that you think he's shy.
posted by Fister Roboto at 10:58 PM on September 5, 2013
Men in general, and especially shy ones, sometimes prefer to wait for women to make the first move, so you'll probably have to do that in this case, but yeah, don't mention that you think he's shy.
posted by Fister Roboto at 10:58 PM on September 5, 2013
"...right now I feel like I'm being super obvious that I'm into him.."
Picking up on these cues takes practice, and if he's shy to a fault, then he's had very little practice. As a shy guy, sitting quietly is probably the default, and least stressful behavior for him. Conversations involve listening, and planning ahead, and then talking. I can see three potential failure points right here. At least three.
If he's anything like me, he's making mental flowcharts of the conversation and convincing himself that you're only being friendly.
Ask him out. Make it unambiguous. I would even suggest that you use the word "date." But that might scare him, so use your best judgement.
As I regularly tell my wife, (see, there is hope), we (men) are not particularly smart.
posted by Cog at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2013
Picking up on these cues takes practice, and if he's shy to a fault, then he's had very little practice. As a shy guy, sitting quietly is probably the default, and least stressful behavior for him. Conversations involve listening, and planning ahead, and then talking. I can see three potential failure points right here. At least three.
If he's anything like me, he's making mental flowcharts of the conversation and convincing himself that you're only being friendly.
Ask him out. Make it unambiguous. I would even suggest that you use the word "date." But that might scare him, so use your best judgement.
As I regularly tell my wife, (see, there is hope), we (men) are not particularly smart.
posted by Cog at 11:08 PM on September 5, 2013
I get the signals about 4 hours after they were sent.
As another shy guy reporting in here, so very much this.
However, I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say, don't ask him out. At least not completely out of the blue. (I know you think you're sending signals, but to him, right now, I'll bet $5 it'd seem totally out of left field if you just ask him out next time you see him.) Why not? Well, because if he's as shy as by all accounts he is, then he won't be expecting it and his immediate reaction will be some combination of flustered/awkward/paralyzed and it's not totally impossible that he'll say "no," not because he means it, but because he hasn't had any time to process it and saying "no" is the fastest way out of that totally unexpected awkward situation. (I have done this a couple times myself and regret every single one.)
Instead of asking him out, just tell him you're into him. Totally unambiguously. "I'm really interested in you. Like, romantically interested." Give him a little time to chew on that, then ask him if he's interested in you back. If he is (and like a lot of the other posters here, I suspect he is; for shy dudes, initiating conversations with strangers is a Big Deal) then you can move on to the "So, we should go out sometime," and the hashing-out-of-specific details.
Good luck! Also know, that if you're reading all this advice and thinking that OMG shy guys are all this work and seriously who's even got time for that, it's just an outer shell. Once he's comfortable around you, which is mostly just a function of time, he won't be so shy around you, he'll just be himself.
posted by mstokes650 at 11:46 PM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
As another shy guy reporting in here, so very much this.
However, I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say, don't ask him out. At least not completely out of the blue. (I know you think you're sending signals, but to him, right now, I'll bet $5 it'd seem totally out of left field if you just ask him out next time you see him.) Why not? Well, because if he's as shy as by all accounts he is, then he won't be expecting it and his immediate reaction will be some combination of flustered/awkward/paralyzed and it's not totally impossible that he'll say "no," not because he means it, but because he hasn't had any time to process it and saying "no" is the fastest way out of that totally unexpected awkward situation. (I have done this a couple times myself and regret every single one.)
Instead of asking him out, just tell him you're into him. Totally unambiguously. "I'm really interested in you. Like, romantically interested." Give him a little time to chew on that, then ask him if he's interested in you back. If he is (and like a lot of the other posters here, I suspect he is; for shy dudes, initiating conversations with strangers is a Big Deal) then you can move on to the "So, we should go out sometime," and the hashing-out-of-specific details.
Good luck! Also know, that if you're reading all this advice and thinking that OMG shy guys are all this work and seriously who's even got time for that, it's just an outer shell. Once he's comfortable around you, which is mostly just a function of time, he won't be so shy around you, he'll just be himself.
posted by mstokes650 at 11:46 PM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
As a shy guy who actively dislikes flirting, I would never have had a GF if it weren't for women who sent obvious and repeated signals of interest and/or directly asked me out.
posted by empath at 4:25 AM on September 6, 2013
posted by empath at 4:25 AM on September 6, 2013
I like mstokes650's advice. Work your way up so that you don't make him panic.
What about a direct but time giving statement like "You know, I really like talking to you and would be interested in going out on a date with you, so if sometime you want to ask me out on a date I can pretty much promise I'll say yes.". Best if after saying that you depart so that he has some time to process it without the pressure.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:58 AM on September 6, 2013
What about a direct but time giving statement like "You know, I really like talking to you and would be interested in going out on a date with you, so if sometime you want to ask me out on a date I can pretty much promise I'll say yes.". Best if after saying that you depart so that he has some time to process it without the pressure.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:58 AM on September 6, 2013
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I know when I go to the gym I don't talk to anyone, and I'm not really shy. Just ask him if he wants to get food after y'all are done working out. It's really simple.
I'm a dude. I like it when a girl asks me out. Not so much anymore because I'm married, but even now I like that the stereotypical behavior is really starting to get broken.
posted by theichibun at 10:17 AM on September 5, 2013 [5 favorites]