How can I stop this ridiculous crush?
November 16, 2009 5:06 PM Subscribe
I met the most beautiful geeky girl I have ever seen or imagined. Help me get her out of my head, please.
I went out for drinks with some new acquaintances who I hadn't met before and am unlikely to see again any time soon. A little way into the evening we were joined by a girl whose face seemed to be designed just to stimulate my brain's neurochemical pleasure pathways. She was so, so lovely. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes (and can now die happy) and found out that she's really interesting, has a cute accent, is studying nearby, and is into sci-fi. I'm not usually prone to this sort of thing at all, but despite barely having even met her, I'm crushing on her like a schoolboy. (Laying in bed last night I actually caught myself imagining how sweet we'd look as an elderly couple.) This is absurd. Help me stop.
Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me. Also, she's about five years younger than me (she's in her early-20s), but I look about ten years older than her (like her older brother or uncle - bruncle?). Also, she's far, far prettier than I am (think Shrek and Fiona). Also, because of my living and employment arrangements, I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now. And anyway - why am I even thinking about these things? I sat across from her for a couple of hours and spoke to her for about ten minutes. This is crazy.
Please tell me how to un-do to my brain whatever her lovely face has done to it. I don't think rational arguments will work, but don't let that stop you.
(Oh, and before anyone asks... I wasn't drunk, and this isn't about sex.)
Disposable email: ohgodwowiloveyou@googlemail.com
I went out for drinks with some new acquaintances who I hadn't met before and am unlikely to see again any time soon. A little way into the evening we were joined by a girl whose face seemed to be designed just to stimulate my brain's neurochemical pleasure pathways. She was so, so lovely. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes (
Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me. Also, she's about five years younger than me (she's in her early-20s), but I look about ten years older than her (like her older brother or uncle - bruncle?). Also, she's far, far prettier than I am (think Shrek and Fiona). Also, because of my living and employment arrangements, I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now. And anyway - why am I even thinking about these things? I sat across from her for a couple of hours and spoke to her for about ten minutes. This is crazy.
Please tell me how to un-do to my brain whatever her lovely face has done to it. I don't think rational arguments will work, but don't let that stop you.
(Oh, and before anyone asks... I wasn't drunk, and this isn't about sex.)
Disposable email: ohgodwowiloveyou@googlemail.com
I mean, I'm a sucker for unlikely romances - why not just trying to meet up again? Think of it this way - if she totally writes you off it might be easier for you to get her off the mind.
posted by kthxbi at 5:09 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by kthxbi at 5:09 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Try to arrange another social gathering she'd be invited to.
Talk to her.
Ask for her number.
posted by spaltavian at 5:10 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Talk to her.
Ask for her number.
posted by spaltavian at 5:10 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
wtf... go for it....
40 years from now you will regret it if you don't give it a try... you will find her on the 2059 version of facebook and regret not making the attempt.....trust me, I know...
posted by HuronBob at 5:11 PM on November 16, 2009
40 years from now you will regret it if you don't give it a try... you will find her on the 2059 version of facebook and regret not making the attempt.....trust me, I know...
posted by HuronBob at 5:11 PM on November 16, 2009
Go for it. You gotta try a lot of ice cream before you find your favorite flavor. The worst she can do is turn you down. And then you'll be exactly where you are now.
posted by cleverevans at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by cleverevans at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
Hey, man, no one's out of your league, so you don't get to use that as an excuse.
However, since you asked for quick ways to get over her, I give this advice: think of something you aspire to that is necessarily solitary, and focus harder on that. I can't tell you what that thing could be, 'cause I don't know you, but nearly everyone I've talked with who's in a relationship can think of something they wanted to do that they now can't do because there's someone besides themselves to consider.
It could be anything from striking out on your own like Cain from Kung Fu to becoming uber at Quake III Arena, but it should matter to you and be solitary. The kicker is you don't even have to go and do that thing, just focus on it. Somehow your brain just goes "Can't think about teh women right now, I have things to do!"
On the other hand, I could be the only one who thinks this. Good luck!
posted by Pragmatica at 5:14 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
However, since you asked for quick ways to get over her, I give this advice: think of something you aspire to that is necessarily solitary, and focus harder on that. I can't tell you what that thing could be, 'cause I don't know you, but nearly everyone I've talked with who's in a relationship can think of something they wanted to do that they now can't do because there's someone besides themselves to consider.
It could be anything from striking out on your own like Cain from Kung Fu to becoming uber at Quake III Arena, but it should matter to you and be solitary. The kicker is you don't even have to go and do that thing, just focus on it. Somehow your brain just goes "Can't think about teh women right now, I have things to do!"
On the other hand, I could be the only one who thinks this. Good luck!
posted by Pragmatica at 5:14 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now.
What, so you're a mind reader? Honestly, you don't know this. Abandon assumptions about how others see you, and abandon the habit of selling yourself short.
Ask your new acquaintances if there's a time to get together again sometime soon for drinks. Suggest that perhaps it would be nice to invite this charming young lady along for the evening. Go from there.
posted by scody at 5:18 PM on November 16, 2009 [11 favorites]
What, so you're a mind reader? Honestly, you don't know this. Abandon assumptions about how others see you, and abandon the habit of selling yourself short.
Ask your new acquaintances if there's a time to get together again sometime soon for drinks. Suggest that perhaps it would be nice to invite this charming young lady along for the evening. Go from there.
posted by scody at 5:18 PM on November 16, 2009 [11 favorites]
Hang out with her in a group setting a few more times. Ask her out. If that goes anywhere, show her this question in a year.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:20 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:20 PM on November 16, 2009
Oh, ask her out! That sense of connection is rare and worth following up. She didn't blow you off when you met, now did she?
I met my husband on a blind date and I knew right away how much I liked him. I remember spending a LOT of time convincing him I wanted him to call me again, as he for some reason decided I was too good for him. Believe me it is actually the other way around . . . and that it says a lot of good things about you that you have true humility.
And speaking of Shrek and Fiona, as we all know Shrek was a find and he and Fiona were actually soulmates.
Lastly, what cleverevans said.
posted by bearwife at 5:21 PM on November 16, 2009
I met my husband on a blind date and I knew right away how much I liked him. I remember spending a LOT of time convincing him I wanted him to call me again, as he for some reason decided I was too good for him. Believe me it is actually the other way around . . . and that it says a lot of good things about you that you have true humility.
And speaking of Shrek and Fiona, as we all know Shrek was a find and he and Fiona were actually soulmates.
Lastly, what cleverevans said.
posted by bearwife at 5:21 PM on November 16, 2009
Why do you need to forget about her? I think that you should at least get to know her better. It sounds as if you have self-esteem problems, or just problems with women, but I doubt she sees you as un-catchable as you see yourself.
I think you should get yourself invited to their next hangout, chat with her a little more, and if things don't go well overtime at least you know.
posted by biochemist at 5:22 PM on November 16, 2009
I think you should get yourself invited to their next hangout, chat with her a little more, and if things don't go well overtime at least you know.
posted by biochemist at 5:22 PM on November 16, 2009
I agree with all of the above. You have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain! Also, some girls (like me!) like men who are older and/or not traditionally attractive
posted by apricot at 5:25 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by apricot at 5:25 PM on November 16, 2009
from Shitmydadsays: "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
posted by craven_morhead at 5:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [16 favorites]
posted by craven_morhead at 5:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [16 favorites]
This might be good advice for some people.
posted by Zach! at 5:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Zach! at 5:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Why do you want her out of your head exactly? Your arguments sound pretty wimpy to me. You are attracted to her. So what if you just met her and don't know much about her. That is why humans invented dating. Why not try and pursue it? Maybe she likes older guys. Did you actually watch Shreck? He and Fiona are perfect for each other, maybe you need to give her a chance.
I'm with kthxbi, worse case is she shoots you down. Maybe it would help you to get her out of your head if you know there is no possible future. Get her number or email, find her on facebook and send her a message. (Don't be a creepy stalker!) Tell her you thought she was fun and ask her if she'd like to go out for drinks or coffee. If she blows you off or gives you lame excuses then you know you don't have a shot. Otherwise, you go for drinks and see if there is more to it than a crush.
I'd be afraid that if I didn't pursue it that it would haunt my future. Will you always be wondering what if? Will you be comparing this beautiful geek and her imagined qualities to any future girlfriends? Will her perceived charms put a damper on a real relationship? I think you should get to know her so she doesn't become some fantasy that no 'real' woman can live up to. I've had more than one crush end just by having a good long conversation with the crushee. Just getting to know her might solve your problem.
posted by TooFewShoes at 5:27 PM on November 16, 2009
I'm with kthxbi, worse case is she shoots you down. Maybe it would help you to get her out of your head if you know there is no possible future. Get her number or email, find her on facebook and send her a message. (Don't be a creepy stalker!) Tell her you thought she was fun and ask her if she'd like to go out for drinks or coffee. If she blows you off or gives you lame excuses then you know you don't have a shot. Otherwise, you go for drinks and see if there is more to it than a crush.
I'd be afraid that if I didn't pursue it that it would haunt my future. Will you always be wondering what if? Will you be comparing this beautiful geek and her imagined qualities to any future girlfriends? Will her perceived charms put a damper on a real relationship? I think you should get to know her so she doesn't become some fantasy that no 'real' woman can live up to. I've had more than one crush end just by having a good long conversation with the crushee. Just getting to know her might solve your problem.
posted by TooFewShoes at 5:27 PM on November 16, 2009
If you really just want to get her out of your head, ask her out and let her shoot you down. Otherwise you're gonna be making yourself miserable for no reason. And the upside is, she might not even shoot you down.
posted by amethysts at 5:31 PM on November 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 5:31 PM on November 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
The solution that occurs to me may be even harder than "just get over it."
It's hard to fixate on a memory when you are engaged in uncomfortable (in a good way) situations. For myself, there are things that I know I like to do, that I should do - but that I have to be brave to do; these are usually solitary public things, like go to a gallery or movie or a music performance by myself. They can be physically unusual: go for a run, try to lift weights, go swimming, whatever is unusual. Or they can be creatively difficult - make something, paint something.
Whatever the "thing" is, it has to be something that you want to do but have to really push yourself to do. It definitely involves leaving your comfort zones - literally. Don't stay at home!
(Incidentally, this is also my general advice for "how to be happy" questions and "how to be attractive to people" questions. Putting yourself out there and moving out of your comfort zone is living consciously rather than passively, and while it's incredibly difficult to sustain, it's a very rewarding mode to be in!)
On the other hand, crushes can be fun. Maybe you should just enjoy it.
posted by Bergamot at 5:36 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's hard to fixate on a memory when you are engaged in uncomfortable (in a good way) situations. For myself, there are things that I know I like to do, that I should do - but that I have to be brave to do; these are usually solitary public things, like go to a gallery or movie or a music performance by myself. They can be physically unusual: go for a run, try to lift weights, go swimming, whatever is unusual. Or they can be creatively difficult - make something, paint something.
Whatever the "thing" is, it has to be something that you want to do but have to really push yourself to do. It definitely involves leaving your comfort zones - literally. Don't stay at home!
(Incidentally, this is also my general advice for "how to be happy" questions and "how to be attractive to people" questions. Putting yourself out there and moving out of your comfort zone is living consciously rather than passively, and while it's incredibly difficult to sustain, it's a very rewarding mode to be in!)
On the other hand, crushes can be fun. Maybe you should just enjoy it.
posted by Bergamot at 5:36 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you may need some "get her out of my head" advice regardless of whether you plan to spend more time with her. I you spend more time with her in your current mindset you may come across as desperate and clingy. How much she cares about "league", age disparity, or your current employment is debatable. However, if you start worshiping her like she is a goddess she many get a creepy vibe. Tone it bdown a bit.
posted by Procloeon at 5:44 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by Procloeon at 5:44 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
You could probably trick yourself into getting her out of your head through any number of methods (think about someone else, imagine horrible flaws she might have, imagine that you do end up in a relationship with her and it ends terribly, etc.), but it seems a little early to start using these tactics, since you have no idea whether or not she might be amenable to grabbing a cup of coffee with you sometime. I try not to worry about how to get someone out of my head until I know for sure it couldn't possibly work (and even then sometimes I don't do it, but that is because I am a hopeless romantic).
posted by solipsophistocracy at 5:50 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by solipsophistocracy at 5:50 PM on November 16, 2009
1. Get her info.
2. Send her a link to this AskMe.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 5:50 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
2. Send her a link to this AskMe.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 5:50 PM on November 16, 2009 [4 favorites]
Nothing wrong with Shrek, my friend.
posted by theredpen at 5:52 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by theredpen at 5:52 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me.
Most successful relationships start out on exactly this sort of footing.
For all you know, she lives with her parents and is unemployed.
Engineer a way to cross paths with her again and ask for her number, chat her up and ask her out on a date. Perhaps she will turn out to have an annoying flaw that will help you stop obsessing. Success!
No need to have any nervousness about your living arrangements, job, age, etc. when you ask her out -- after all, you wouldn't even be asking, but that you are trying to find something to not like about her. All that is irrelevant.
posted by yohko at 5:53 PM on November 16, 2009
Most successful relationships start out on exactly this sort of footing.
For all you know, she lives with her parents and is unemployed.
Engineer a way to cross paths with her again and ask for her number, chat her up and ask her out on a date. Perhaps she will turn out to have an annoying flaw that will help you stop obsessing. Success!
No need to have any nervousness about your living arrangements, job, age, etc. when you ask her out -- after all, you wouldn't even be asking, but that you are trying to find something to not like about her. All that is irrelevant.
posted by yohko at 5:53 PM on November 16, 2009
nthing craven_morehead... I read the post, pulled up ShitMyDadSays and copied the text, then scrolled down only to find I'd been beaten to the punch. Oh well, it's good enough that it's worth saying twice.
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
posted by ElDiabloConQueso at 5:54 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
posted by ElDiabloConQueso at 5:54 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
What, so you're a mind reader? Honestly, you don't know this. Abandon assumptions about how others see you, and abandon the habit of selling yourself short.
Ask your new acquaintances if there's a time to get together again sometime soon for drinks. Suggest that perhaps it would be nice to invite this charming young lady along for the evening. Go from there.
Please listen to scody. Advice worth repeating.
posted by special-k at 5:55 PM on November 16, 2009
Ask your new acquaintances if there's a time to get together again sometime soon for drinks. Suggest that perhaps it would be nice to invite this charming young lady along for the evening. Go from there.
Please listen to scody. Advice worth repeating.
posted by special-k at 5:55 PM on November 16, 2009
"Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me.
Most ALL successful relationships start out on exactly this sort of footing."
ftfy!
do it!!!!!
posted by HuronBob at 5:57 PM on November 16, 2009
ftfy!
do it!!!!!
posted by HuronBob at 5:57 PM on November 16, 2009
The best way to stop obsessing about her is to meet up with her again. Either you guys will hit it off and have a romance, or there will be zero chemistry and you'll find each other annoying, or one of you will be more attracted than the other, which will be awkward for both of you--but the thing is that you won't be obsessing about her, you'll be actually engaging with her.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:59 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:59 PM on November 16, 2009
so, as far as to answer the actual question, i.e.: what to do about forgetting about her, that methodology would follows the standard pattern of the typical "o god i just broke up and am soooo desperate to get over my x...", meaning: go do other stuff, throw yourself into hobbies, hang out with people OTHER than the culprit, volunteer, play WOW, ride your bike, teach your cat to tap dance for treats on Youtube, etc, etc... you get my meaning.
but lemme tell you something. I was a decent looking geek girl in my early 20s. I dunno about Girl In Question, but speaking for myself there are and were lots of things on my list that attract me to guys, and way, way, WAY far down that list would be nice hair, a fast car, cash and rippling pecs. Geek girls generally dig geeks. Especially geeks who can hold their own in an intelligent conversation and who have managed to develop better social skills than your average flatworm.
Something else while I'm thinking of it. I've prolly told this one before, but I have this bike geek buddy who's in his early-mid 20s. He's short, weighs all of 125# soaking wet, walks with a permanent limp courtesy of a smashed hip (hit by a car), not particularly attractive in any way... in fact, he generally resembles a toast rack with bad skin and worse hair. And that kid is continually surrounded by a posse of insanely hot chicks and seemingly never goes home alone. You wanna know why? because he has moxie! He's interesting, funny, smart, sincerely polite, respectful (and here's the key) not only is he genuinely nice to women, he is also completely unafraid to ask any and every available girl out within a ten mile radius. And he'll never take offence or hold it against you if you shoot him down - I know because I've done it. Yep, he even asked me out, and I'm twice his age!
I've said this before. Guys, it's a numbers game. Brush up on your social skills, remember to put on a clean shirt, try to speak in complete sentences, and go ahead and talk to us! Be nice, and for the most part, we'll be nice in return. (yea caveat: don't be That Creepy Guy On The Bus). But especially if it's in a social setting; i.e. "hanging out with friends". I mean, jesus, that's how many of us locate People We Most Want To Date in the first place. And hey, maybe you'll never see her again, maybe you will. Maybe she doesn't want anything to do with you, but then again maybe she does. Perhaps she has a boyfriend. Maybe she's not even into boys! Who cares! TALK TO HER, if you get the chance, and ask her to hang out again (either in a group or one on one) If she says no, then so what? You're no worse off than you are now, and at least you know for sure where you stand.
good luck, and may the Force be with you!
posted by lonefrontranger at 6:07 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
but lemme tell you something. I was a decent looking geek girl in my early 20s. I dunno about Girl In Question, but speaking for myself there are and were lots of things on my list that attract me to guys, and way, way, WAY far down that list would be nice hair, a fast car, cash and rippling pecs. Geek girls generally dig geeks. Especially geeks who can hold their own in an intelligent conversation and who have managed to develop better social skills than your average flatworm.
Something else while I'm thinking of it. I've prolly told this one before, but I have this bike geek buddy who's in his early-mid 20s. He's short, weighs all of 125# soaking wet, walks with a permanent limp courtesy of a smashed hip (hit by a car), not particularly attractive in any way... in fact, he generally resembles a toast rack with bad skin and worse hair. And that kid is continually surrounded by a posse of insanely hot chicks and seemingly never goes home alone. You wanna know why? because he has moxie! He's interesting, funny, smart, sincerely polite, respectful (and here's the key) not only is he genuinely nice to women, he is also completely unafraid to ask any and every available girl out within a ten mile radius. And he'll never take offence or hold it against you if you shoot him down - I know because I've done it. Yep, he even asked me out, and I'm twice his age!
I've said this before. Guys, it's a numbers game. Brush up on your social skills, remember to put on a clean shirt, try to speak in complete sentences, and go ahead and talk to us! Be nice, and for the most part, we'll be nice in return. (yea caveat: don't be That Creepy Guy On The Bus). But especially if it's in a social setting; i.e. "hanging out with friends". I mean, jesus, that's how many of us locate People We Most Want To Date in the first place. And hey, maybe you'll never see her again, maybe you will. Maybe she doesn't want anything to do with you, but then again maybe she does. Perhaps she has a boyfriend. Maybe she's not even into boys! Who cares! TALK TO HER, if you get the chance, and ask her to hang out again (either in a group or one on one) If she says no, then so what? You're no worse off than you are now, and at least you know for sure where you stand.
good luck, and may the Force be with you!
posted by lonefrontranger at 6:07 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Oh god let her decide what her tastes are. Just ask her out.
posted by 8dot3 at 6:08 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by 8dot3 at 6:08 PM on November 16, 2009
Add another vote to the "just do it" tally. Don't look back and say "if only."
posted by Silvertree at 6:09 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by Silvertree at 6:09 PM on November 16, 2009
Hmmm... I think you trickily phrased your question that way because you wanted people to contradict you and say "see her again"! And they did!
I'll join the chorus. Life is short. Beauty is fleeting. Carpe diem. Call her.
Do it for us, your hive mind. It will make us all so happy.
posted by crazylegs at 6:10 PM on November 16, 2009
I'll join the chorus. Life is short. Beauty is fleeting. Carpe diem. Call her.
Do it for us, your hive mind. It will make us all so happy.
posted by crazylegs at 6:10 PM on November 16, 2009
You have nothing, nothing, nothing to lose. Go for it.
posted by alms at 6:12 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by alms at 6:12 PM on November 16, 2009
First of all, every single one of the pretty geek girls I ever knew cared far more about intelligence and personality than superficial things like good looks or wealth. If you're interesting, you're already WAY ahead of the game. Age never mattered to me, either: by the time I was 24, I'd already been smitten by people in their 40s and 50s--it was entirely about who they are as a human being.
Whether you talk to her or not, don't fight the feeling. Roll with it! Why not channel the obsessive frame of mind that comes with a dopamine rush into some goal-directed activitites that will make you a more interesting, attractive, awesome person? Fix your living and employment situations; get in shape, clean up your diet, write poetry and fiction, paint. Instead of sitting around feeling inadequate, work on creating the person you want to be.
Seriously, this crush just might be the sharp kick in the heart you needed to get your life moving again.
posted by aquafortis at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Whether you talk to her or not, don't fight the feeling. Roll with it! Why not channel the obsessive frame of mind that comes with a dopamine rush into some goal-directed activitites that will make you a more interesting, attractive, awesome person? Fix your living and employment situations; get in shape, clean up your diet, write poetry and fiction, paint. Instead of sitting around feeling inadequate, work on creating the person you want to be.
Seriously, this crush just might be the sharp kick in the heart you needed to get your life moving again.
posted by aquafortis at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
and this isn't about sex.
Uh, yeah it is. You're crushing on her because you're attracted to her. You're attracted to her face and her accent and her love of sci fi and there's nothing wrong with that. She sounds attractive. That spark is a great way to start a relationship.
So be realistic. She isn't some goddess lovematch soulmate but a girl you find hot. Which is fine, you're allowed to find hot girls hot.
I kept waiting for the bit in your question about how she's in a relationship or lived far away but instead you just gave a bunch of reasons based on your own made up justifications. You have no idea what she thinks of you except that the conversation you had was nice (which is a good sign!). Get back in touch with your new friends and ask about her. Find out if she's single. If she's not them problem solved, you now know she's taken and you don't have a chance and you can work on aiming your focus elsewhere. If she is then find her, ask her out. She enjoyed chatting to you for those ten minutes, she may enjoy doing it for longer. Right now she's this big potential thing with no resolution, so easy to obsess over, find out either way so you can move forward.
I do wonder why you only spoke to her for ten minutes. If you'd talked to her more then she'd be more real, instead you're left with this tiny snippet of perfection and, let's face it, it's easy to be perfect for just a few minutes. Your excuses sound a bit like you're afraid to find out she's not as great as that tiny encounter made you think. But the best way to get over the fantasy is to engage with the reality (plus, dude, she's hot!), so go for it!
posted by shelleycat at 6:17 PM on November 16, 2009 [7 favorites]
Uh, yeah it is. You're crushing on her because you're attracted to her. You're attracted to her face and her accent and her love of sci fi and there's nothing wrong with that. She sounds attractive. That spark is a great way to start a relationship.
So be realistic. She isn't some goddess lovematch soulmate but a girl you find hot. Which is fine, you're allowed to find hot girls hot.
I kept waiting for the bit in your question about how she's in a relationship or lived far away but instead you just gave a bunch of reasons based on your own made up justifications. You have no idea what she thinks of you except that the conversation you had was nice (which is a good sign!). Get back in touch with your new friends and ask about her. Find out if she's single. If she's not them problem solved, you now know she's taken and you don't have a chance and you can work on aiming your focus elsewhere. If she is then find her, ask her out. She enjoyed chatting to you for those ten minutes, she may enjoy doing it for longer. Right now she's this big potential thing with no resolution, so easy to obsess over, find out either way so you can move forward.
I do wonder why you only spoke to her for ten minutes. If you'd talked to her more then she'd be more real, instead you're left with this tiny snippet of perfection and, let's face it, it's easy to be perfect for just a few minutes. Your excuses sound a bit like you're afraid to find out she's not as great as that tiny encounter made you think. But the best way to get over the fantasy is to engage with the reality (plus, dude, she's hot!), so go for it!
posted by shelleycat at 6:17 PM on November 16, 2009 [7 favorites]
Without contradicting all the "see what happens" / "don't assume or second-guess her tastes" advice in this thread, if you actually do want to get her out of your head, I'd suggest you start by paying more attention to that "infatuation" tag, and less to the "loveatfirstsight" tag.
Better yet, delete that latter tag altogether. The way you cognitively frame a situation can go a long way towards influencing the situation, so it's better to think "relax, it's only infatuation", as opposed to "OMG LOVE!!!"
Having done away with the lurve bugbear, you can start breaking down the infatuation, to become a bit more objective about things. Let me have a go at how it was built up:
1. "Hey, she's very cute!" - first impressions are usually necessarily physical. Not much you can do about the fact you find her physically attractive.
2. "And she likes something I like!" - yeah, plenty of people do, but in an infatuation you see these as evidence of compatibility, as opposed to mere coincidences. If she hated scifi but liked your favourite cuisine, you'd equally be all "and she loves Mexican!!!". Note how you're probably playing up similarities, and playing down differences here.
3. "Miscellaneous other things!" - thrown in to support your foregone conclusions from points 1 & 2. Think about how easy it is to put the cart before the horse here. By which I mean, you tend to find the accent & mannerisms (etc) of a person you like appealing simply because you like that person in teh first place; and not so much that you like the person because of their accent & mannerisms (etc).
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:23 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Better yet, delete that latter tag altogether. The way you cognitively frame a situation can go a long way towards influencing the situation, so it's better to think "relax, it's only infatuation", as opposed to "OMG LOVE!!!"
Having done away with the lurve bugbear, you can start breaking down the infatuation, to become a bit more objective about things. Let me have a go at how it was built up:
1. "Hey, she's very cute!" - first impressions are usually necessarily physical. Not much you can do about the fact you find her physically attractive.
2. "And she likes something I like!" - yeah, plenty of people do, but in an infatuation you see these as evidence of compatibility, as opposed to mere coincidences. If she hated scifi but liked your favourite cuisine, you'd equally be all "and she loves Mexican!!!". Note how you're probably playing up similarities, and playing down differences here.
3. "Miscellaneous other things!" - thrown in to support your foregone conclusions from points 1 & 2. Think about how easy it is to put the cart before the horse here. By which I mean, you tend to find the accent & mannerisms (etc) of a person you like appealing simply because you like that person in teh first place; and not so much that you like the person because of their accent & mannerisms (etc).
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:23 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
If I remember correctly, there are some dopaminergic activities that reduce the anticipated reward of being with other people. These include taking heroin and solitary creative pursuits.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 6:23 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 6:23 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Here's the bad news: she's no special snowflake either. I guarantee you there are about a dozen other girls just like her out there. She seems special and amazing right now, but no one can live up to that. I assure you that throughout your life you will continue to meet and be amazed by (and terribly attracted to) other women.
posted by mattbucher at 6:45 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by mattbucher at 6:45 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Gotta play to win - so suit up and get your ass out there!
(but don't be creepy)
posted by spilon at 7:06 PM on November 16, 2009
(but don't be creepy)
posted by spilon at 7:06 PM on November 16, 2009
" One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since, that I haven't thought of that girl."
-Citizen Kane
For heaven's sake, track her down somehow and ask her out.
posted by emd3737 at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2009
-Citizen Kane
For heaven's sake, track her down somehow and ask her out.
posted by emd3737 at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2009
Asides from what everyone else has said:
Enjoy the crush. It's fun! Fantasies are awesome! I'm perpetually having a crush on someone, 99% of the time unattainable for various reasons, but I enjoy the rush that comes with it. It makes me smile, which I could use more of.
So whether or not anything happens between you two, enjoy the pleasant feelings. Revel in it. Keep it private, like your own little secret. And smile.
awwww
posted by divabat at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Enjoy the crush. It's fun! Fantasies are awesome! I'm perpetually having a crush on someone, 99% of the time unattainable for various reasons, but I enjoy the rush that comes with it. It makes me smile, which I could use more of.
So whether or not anything happens between you two, enjoy the pleasant feelings. Revel in it. Keep it private, like your own little secret. And smile.
awwww
posted by divabat at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
At the moment, you're not even giving yourself a choice. This girl is already out of your league, she's way too pretty for you, you're way too ugly for her, you have no money, you have acne, you're not attractive, she likes these things, blah blah blah.
Do you want to ask her out? The only two answers to that question are Yes or No.
Think of it this way:
Say there's this game, and you could win a million dollars if you ask out this girl. That's all you have to do, is ask her out. I would ask this girl out in a heartbeat if that was the only condition to get a million dollars. Now in your head, replace that million dollars with something else. Something real. Like, growing old with this girl. Imagine what could happen if you had a relationship with this girl. Then ask yourself how much you want what you're imagining.
If you want it bad enough, you will do everything you can to get it. Live in a world where you two watch Battlestar Galactica together or whatever.
posted by bam at 8:24 PM on November 16, 2009
Do you want to ask her out? The only two answers to that question are Yes or No.
Think of it this way:
Say there's this game, and you could win a million dollars if you ask out this girl. That's all you have to do, is ask her out. I would ask this girl out in a heartbeat if that was the only condition to get a million dollars. Now in your head, replace that million dollars with something else. Something real. Like, growing old with this girl. Imagine what could happen if you had a relationship with this girl. Then ask yourself how much you want what you're imagining.
If you want it bad enough, you will do everything you can to get it. Live in a world where you two watch Battlestar Galactica together or whatever.
posted by bam at 8:24 PM on November 16, 2009
I haven't read all the comments, so forgive me if someone has already suggested any of this.
1. Yes, ask her out. Yes, it will help to think of her/treat her as an interesting human being rather than a "hot girl".
2. Or if you really don't want to do that, or if you do it and it doesn't go well, or if you really just find this obsession obtrusive and want it to go away, practice some self control over your mind. Do not allow yourself to think about her at all. Every time you do it makes it worse. Do not allow yourself to think about her, wonder about her, remember her, fantasize about her, envision her, and so forth. If one of those thoughts comes into your head, don't indulge yourself/it. Just think of something else.
3. Remember the fact that the way you feel about her doesn't "mean" anything. It doesn't mean she's your soulmate. It doesn't mean she's the perfect girl for you. It is simply the result of chemicals acting upon your brain in a way that is very, very similar to doing hard drugs. Nothing more.
As an example of this, it might be helpful to learn the tale of Camille Hayton and Patrick Moberg. Patrick was on the subway in NYC when he saw a beautiful girl. The girl of his dreams. By the time he finally worked up the courage to say something to her, the train doors had opened and she was lost in the crowd.
Patrick created a website to search for her. Time went by. Thousands of people visited the website. Several imposters came forward. Finally, the real girl, Camille Hayton, came forward.
They met! There were sparks! They went out on a date! Then they went out on a couple more dates. And then, they called it quits and are now "just friends," as you can read HERE.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
1. Yes, ask her out. Yes, it will help to think of her/treat her as an interesting human being rather than a "hot girl".
2. Or if you really don't want to do that, or if you do it and it doesn't go well, or if you really just find this obsession obtrusive and want it to go away, practice some self control over your mind. Do not allow yourself to think about her at all. Every time you do it makes it worse. Do not allow yourself to think about her, wonder about her, remember her, fantasize about her, envision her, and so forth. If one of those thoughts comes into your head, don't indulge yourself/it. Just think of something else.
3. Remember the fact that the way you feel about her doesn't "mean" anything. It doesn't mean she's your soulmate. It doesn't mean she's the perfect girl for you. It is simply the result of chemicals acting upon your brain in a way that is very, very similar to doing hard drugs. Nothing more.
As an example of this, it might be helpful to learn the tale of Camille Hayton and Patrick Moberg. Patrick was on the subway in NYC when he saw a beautiful girl. The girl of his dreams. By the time he finally worked up the courage to say something to her, the train doors had opened and she was lost in the crowd.
Patrick created a website to search for her. Time went by. Thousands of people visited the website. Several imposters came forward. Finally, the real girl, Camille Hayton, came forward.
They met! There were sparks! They went out on a date! Then they went out on a couple more dates. And then, they called it quits and are now "just friends," as you can read HERE.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:26 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, I just want to point out, the only way for you to get her out of your mind is to think about something else. If you don't, then you don't want her out of your mind. Finding something to hate about her won't do any good either, cuz you'll spend your time thinking about how much you hate her.
posted by bam at 8:27 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by bam at 8:27 PM on November 16, 2009
Get in touch with her. Or just enjoy the crush.
Either way--never, ever, ever use the word bruncle again.
posted by umbú at 8:27 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
Either way--never, ever, ever use the word bruncle again.
posted by umbú at 8:27 PM on November 16, 2009 [5 favorites]
My dad* said it best.
Not actually my dad.
posted by Aizkolari at 8:33 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Not actually my dad.
posted by Aizkolari at 8:33 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Dude, I'm starting to crush on someone now -- and it has nothing to do with his job, his appearance, or his age. I am starting to crush on him because he managed to work a reference to the origins of horseback riding amongst the Phrygians within only TWO MINUTES OF CONVERSATION, and I thought I was the only person who could geek out about history.
I don't know very damn much about him either. It ain't stopping me.
The reason it's so hard for you to get over this crush is because there is no REASON for you to get over it yet. Go forth with our blessing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:55 PM on November 16, 2009
I don't know very damn much about him either. It ain't stopping me.
The reason it's so hard for you to get over this crush is because there is no REASON for you to get over it yet. Go forth with our blessing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:55 PM on November 16, 2009
If you had a reason like "I'm married" or "She's married" or "She's gay", then the advice would be much different, certainly. As it happens, all your reasons are worth dismissing immediately. Figure out a way to see her again, see if you're still attracted to her, and then ask for her number. As others have said, she might shut you down, but on the 1% (or 99%) chance she'll say yes, totally worth it -- if only because for you this doesn't seem to be a normal occurrence, so you should listen to what your body's trying to tell you.
Do let us know how it goes.
posted by davejay at 9:19 PM on November 16, 2009
Do let us know how it goes.
posted by davejay at 9:19 PM on November 16, 2009
Honestly, if you don't see her again, it'll fade on its own in a week or two. The chemicals in your brain will dissipate and your singular memory of her will fade. Your attraction to her will not be anywhere near as acute. So really don't worry about it or fight it, you'll forget soon enough.
If you do see her again, well who knows what will happen...
posted by whoaali at 9:34 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you do see her again, well who knows what will happen...
posted by whoaali at 9:34 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
As crazylegs said, this question seems more oriented to getting people to tell you to go try to make something of this than to try to forget it.
Sometimes I find it's better to leave these things be. Crushes are often fantasies and sometimes investigating them further makes you realize how little reality was in the equation.
posted by sinical at 9:53 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
Sometimes I find it's better to leave these things be. Crushes are often fantasies and sometimes investigating them further makes you realize how little reality was in the equation.
posted by sinical at 9:53 PM on November 16, 2009 [3 favorites]
If I remember correctly, there are some dopaminergic activities that reduce the anticipated reward of being with other people. These include taking heroin and solitary creative pursuits.
This. And nothing spikes your dopamine quite like music, particularly singing. Whenever I'm feeling particularly low, I head out to Marie's Crisis and belt show tunes and torch songs till three in the morning. (How can you not feel better surrounded by a hundred gay guys doing their best Elaine Stritch version of "Ladies Who Lunch"?) If you're not the type to go out, put on your favorite clips from Youtube and rock out, it really helps.
Cathartic dancing provides a big dopamine hit too. I recommend putting on the "Rite of Spring" and dancing along with Ninjinsky's choreography until you almost pass out. Good times!
posted by aquafortis at 10:06 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
This. And nothing spikes your dopamine quite like music, particularly singing. Whenever I'm feeling particularly low, I head out to Marie's Crisis and belt show tunes and torch songs till three in the morning. (How can you not feel better surrounded by a hundred gay guys doing their best Elaine Stritch version of "Ladies Who Lunch"?) If you're not the type to go out, put on your favorite clips from Youtube and rock out, it really helps.
Cathartic dancing provides a big dopamine hit too. I recommend putting on the "Rite of Spring" and dancing along with Ninjinsky's choreography until you almost pass out. Good times!
posted by aquafortis at 10:06 PM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
While I disagree with your premise about out of her league, to answer your question, I had a religion professor who said that Buddhist monks would say to themselves, "Self, that girl (and every girl) has seven orifices and is oozing out of every single one of them." That usually stopped them from crushing on anyone.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:50 PM on November 16, 2009
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:50 PM on November 16, 2009
It's best to leave this life regretting the things you did, not the things you didn't do.
Do what scody said. She knows this stuff.
posted by deborah at 11:17 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Do what scody said. She knows this stuff.
posted by deborah at 11:17 PM on November 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
Help me get her out of my head, please.
No Way! You just got shot through the heart. Now go get the girl!
posted by col at 2:05 AM on November 17, 2009
No Way! You just got shot through the heart. Now go get the girl!
posted by col at 2:05 AM on November 17, 2009
Not to blow the trumpet and all but I think we covered many of the points here.
Also, watch this episode of Seinfeld ;) I know it's a joke and You Are Not George Costanza but there is a little bit of truth in it.
posted by KMH at 2:14 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, watch this episode of Seinfeld ;) I know it's a joke and You Are Not George Costanza but there is a little bit of truth in it.
posted by KMH at 2:14 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Crushes are all about your projections. Read this book.
Not downplaying the joy - OP asked for ways to get over it.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:27 AM on November 17, 2009
Not downplaying the joy - OP asked for ways to get over it.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:27 AM on November 17, 2009
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." - Michel de Montaigne
posted by geekyguy at 6:34 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by geekyguy at 6:34 AM on November 17, 2009 [1 favorite]
Pro: nthing those who say "get her number, dingbat", and you have nothing to lose by trying. Stop using your looks as an excuse: you have no idea what her taste is. And no age-gap excuse, either: forty years is a huge difference. Five is nothing.
Con: just one small warning. A lot of people can seem "perfect" based on a single ten minute encounter.
So to combine those things: move forward, but move slowly.
posted by rokusan at 6:40 AM on November 17, 2009
Con: just one small warning. A lot of people can seem "perfect" based on a single ten minute encounter.
So to combine those things: move forward, but move slowly.
posted by rokusan at 6:40 AM on November 17, 2009
Are you fucking kidding me???
Ask her the fuck out already, Oh My God.
You are pretty much what is wrong with dating today. And I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean that you can be the solution, too.
Guys like you, with feelings like you have for this girl, you sit at home wishing you could get over her, whining that you aren't good enough for her. Meanwhile, do you know who does have the balls to ask her out? Cocky douchebags who only want to sleep with her and will ditch her once they get bored. Or losers who think she's "pretty cute" and are looking for a girl (ie, any girl) to hang out with until their dream girl comes along.
PLEASE save our civilization and ask her out.
posted by thebazilist at 7:58 AM on November 17, 2009 [6 favorites]
Ask her the fuck out already, Oh My God.
You are pretty much what is wrong with dating today. And I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean that you can be the solution, too.
Guys like you, with feelings like you have for this girl, you sit at home wishing you could get over her, whining that you aren't good enough for her. Meanwhile, do you know who does have the balls to ask her out? Cocky douchebags who only want to sleep with her and will ditch her once they get bored. Or losers who think she's "pretty cute" and are looking for a girl (ie, any girl) to hang out with until their dream girl comes along.
PLEASE save our civilization and ask her out.
posted by thebazilist at 7:58 AM on November 17, 2009 [6 favorites]
What thebazilist said.
5 years? That's nothing.
Looks? Who fucking cares? I'm a short rotund troglodyte and I've dated guys who could easily be models.
Ask her the fuck out, for fuck's sake. What's the worst that can happen? The cold bucket of rejection shutting down your heavy breathing at night in your little garret?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:57 AM on November 17, 2009
5 years? That's nothing.
Looks? Who fucking cares? I'm a short rotund troglodyte and I've dated guys who could easily be models.
Ask her the fuck out, for fuck's sake. What's the worst that can happen? The cold bucket of rejection shutting down your heavy breathing at night in your little garret?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:57 AM on November 17, 2009
Yeah, give yourself a shot. I have a friend who is built like Barbie (literally, it's insane) who happens to be a total dork on the inside. A seven-foot-tall broke dude with stringy hair who was seven years older and made sci fi movies asked her out and they went out for years.(True story)
posted by Rocket26 at 9:57 AM on November 17, 2009
posted by Rocket26 at 9:57 AM on November 17, 2009
Crushes are often fantasies and sometimes investigating them further makes you realize how little reality was in the equation.
This is exactly why we're encouraging him to ask her out. Pining over someone is a waste of time!
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:34 AM on November 17, 2009
This is exactly why we're encouraging him to ask her out. Pining over someone is a waste of time!
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:34 AM on November 17, 2009
Go for it!
Keep the love, remove the pedestal, and grab a coffee and talk sci-fi. DO IT MAN!
posted by Billegible at 2:58 PM on November 17, 2009
Keep the love, remove the pedestal, and grab a coffee and talk sci-fi. DO IT MAN!
posted by Billegible at 2:58 PM on November 17, 2009
You know what's the most accurate predictor of getting a date? Asking for one. ASK HER OUT.
Also, I was on the other side of the age difference when a woman a decade-plus older than me got together (I was 23). It was awesome. Age difference doesn't have to matter.
posted by lackutrol at 3:25 PM on November 17, 2009
Also, I was on the other side of the age difference when a woman a decade-plus older than me got together (I was 23). It was awesome. Age difference doesn't have to matter.
posted by lackutrol at 3:25 PM on November 17, 2009
Mod note: This is a followup from anonymous.
OK OK OK..... with the voices of fifty people I don't know and will never meet ringing in my ears, I decided to go for it. So I asked my semi-friend what the girl's last name was. (embarrassment). An hour on facebook later and I found her photo. (still wow). So I sent her a note saying I enjoyed talking to her before and I'd like to do it again. (heart pounding). And... she messaged me back....and said me too. (oh wow). And then she friended me back and I looked at her profile, and she has a boyfriend. And there are photos of them skiing.posted by cortex (staff) at 6:55 AM on November 18, 2009
Thanks for the encouragement. I'll come back to this post if this happens to me again. You're all amazing, generous people. I think I'm going to start looking for a different job too. This one's bringing me down.
Aww, darn!
Well, personally, I think you handled things admirably well in terms of approaching her -- it was friendly, and clearly the cordiality was reciprocated.
It's disappointing that she's already got a boyfriend, and if you think you may get stuck pining for her you may want to consider keeping your distance a bit, but if you think that knowing about the boyfriend is already killing the crush (I tend to find that my sudden crushes fade damn fast when I find out "oh, shoot, he's taken...oh well"), then the bright side is you've got a new friend, and that's always good.
I was still pulling for you, though. But at least now you have information, you may have a new friend too (who may have a single friend, who knows?), and so that's still good!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on November 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Well, personally, I think you handled things admirably well in terms of approaching her -- it was friendly, and clearly the cordiality was reciprocated.
It's disappointing that she's already got a boyfriend, and if you think you may get stuck pining for her you may want to consider keeping your distance a bit, but if you think that knowing about the boyfriend is already killing the crush (I tend to find that my sudden crushes fade damn fast when I find out "oh, shoot, he's taken...oh well"), then the bright side is you've got a new friend, and that's always good.
I was still pulling for you, though. But at least now you have information, you may have a new friend too (who may have a single friend, who knows?), and so that's still good!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on November 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Well, personally, I think you handled things admirably well in terms of approaching her -- it was friendly, and clearly the cordiality was reciprocated.
Totally agree! Good luck, anon!
posted by special-k at 9:37 AM on November 18, 2009
Totally agree! Good luck, anon!
posted by special-k at 9:37 AM on November 18, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dzaz at 5:08 PM on November 16, 2009 [8 favorites]