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How does a shy gal get laid?
January 3, 2007 9:40 AM   Subscribe

How does a shy gal get laid? I had this whole post planned out about how I like this boy, and how wonderful he is, but really, when all is said and done...I just want to screw him. How do I go about this?

Forgive me for the length, but since I'm anon., I want to provide as much detail as possible.

Understand I've had one recently dead 4+ yr relationship. I haven't dated since. I'm only 23. I can't flirt. Even liquid courage doesn't help much (and I can't drink too much anyways given certain circumstances). I get super nervous when I *really* like someone and so instead of touching and laughing at every thing Crush said when we hung out, I was slightly distant and (jokingly) critical of a few things. This was not conducive to him ending up in my bed.

I also have very low self esteem, but despite that, I can still pick up on some things that make me think this kid likes me. For instance:
He seems eager and interested in the things I talk about - asking me lots of questions and making jokes. He stares every time I come in the room, he laughs a little too loud, and I've caught him staring at me plenty of times. Me being who I am, I'm prone to thinking that perhaps he's being super friendly or somehow trying to make other chicks at work jealous...but I think most people would agree these are good signs, yes?

The one time we hung out was weird (uncomfortable...not the easy manner in which we interact at work) and though we had a good conversation, I was about to write the whole thing off. He was the one who hugged me at the end, told me he had fun, and asked me to give him a call when I get back in town. Sure he might just have been trying to be nice, but I figure he could just as easily have said something non-committal like "this was fun, we should do it again sometime"

Also, its extremely difficult to think he's just awkward and shy. I mean, the kid is beautiful. He's probably got to work pretty damn hard to fend girls off. So...I'm sure he knows how to reject someone. So what the fuck with all the damn mixed signals?

I overanalyzed the situation and thought I'd sent out the wrong signals, so about a week ago I did a stupid thing and I sent him a little email telling him about a book I thought he'd like, so he'd know I was thinking about him. Of course he didn't write back (to be fair to myself it may have been an unrespondable email and more "Hey Buddy!" instead of "Hey Fuck Buddy!"). I've decided I need one final grand gesture to lay everything out on the line, and gets the point across directly.

...but after all this, I'm really nervous about calling him again. I fluctuate daily between thinking he's just a nice guy who doesn't know how to let me down to thinking he wants to jump my bones. Should I just go read "He's Just Not That Into You" and be done with it? Should I ask him to come out and skank it up this time to get the message across? Should I email him and let him know how I feel? Do I text him and tell him I want to screw him 8 ways till Sunday, could he please give me a call?

Though I want to screw Crush's brains out, I also do like him. Is there any way to do this (that is to let him know I like him/find him attractive in a non-scary way) that may let me retain more than a snowball's chance in hell of staying friends with him (or even being able to date him)?

Any insight into the situation or my myriad questions would be much appreciated.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (52 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oh, sister. I feel you. I have no answers, but I feel you.
posted by loiseau at 9:54 AM on January 3, 2007


Goodness. Email, text, telephone, telegraph and morse-code him a link to this post, with your name on it. What more could you say?
posted by iurodivii at 9:55 AM on January 3, 2007


I fluctuate daily between thinking he's just a nice guy who doesn't know how to let me down to thinking he wants to jump my bones.

You need to realize that these are not mutually exclusive.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:57 AM on January 3, 2007 [3 favorites]


Do I text him and tell him I want to screw him 8 ways till Sunday

That's direct, and it'd work with some guys, less so with others who might like the dance. But why not just try some of the standard things that lead to necking and more? Invite him over to watch a movie, or on a drive up to look at the city lights and listen to the new Diana Krall album in your car or whatever. Low-key but one-on-one invitations that anybody who's interested will take the bait on. From that point it's all reading and offering cues until you're touching. And touching again. :)
posted by namespan at 10:00 AM on January 3, 2007


Wow you've made this so complicated it's like the history of this species never happened...

Most men are simple. Invite him over for dinner and a movie at your place. If you can't cook order chinese pizza. Pick up a couple of romantic comedies you like.

I mean, nature's gonna do what nature does. No math required.
posted by ewkpates at 10:03 AM on January 3, 2007 [3 favorites]


Guys can be shy, too. If he's staring at you all the time, he's probably plenty interested in screwing. Just ask him out already. And even if he says he's not interested in dating, he still might be interested in screwing, so be sure to suggest that if necessary.

(But don't send him to this post, though; that'd be a little passive-aggressive. Why does someone always suggest that?)
posted by equalpants at 10:14 AM on January 3, 2007


Ask him out. Be direct. ewkpates has it right.
posted by chunking express at 10:19 AM on January 3, 2007


we interact at work

Be careful about playing where you work. It could get messy and awkward.

But a simple note/email saying "I'm shy, but I like you and to screw you your brains out" should do the trick.

Or invite him to something you really like doing and then concentrate on talking about that. So if you like art, invite him to the musuem and talk art for bit. Your passion will probably be really clear.

also, don't accuse him of mixed signals if you're the one that really likes him, yet remains distant.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:21 AM on January 3, 2007


The only thing you have to lose is this painful, time-wasting uncertainty. Looking back, I think the pain of all the fretting is much worse than the pain of being rejected. Ask him out. Write a script if you have to, with lots of flow chart options for if he says X or if he says Y or if he says Z, but go ahead and do it.
posted by JanetLand at 10:25 AM on January 3, 2007 [3 favorites]


easy manner in which we interact at work

Insert standard warning about screwing coworkers here. Is there a potential for a messy situation if you do hook up - or if he really wasn't into you? Could you walk away from this job if you had to?

That being said, if you're cool with the risks, ask him out, see where things go. Don't skank it up. If he responds, and you go out, then you can see where it goes. If he politely is busy, then it's a clear no-go.
posted by canine epigram at 10:27 AM on January 3, 2007


Second the "invite him over to watch some movies" suggestion. I've been on the receiving end of that approach and the result was the one you're after. But if he's really not interested you can still save face by being pals and just watching a film, but you'll have loads of opportunities to get him to move on you if he's going to. You can just pile onto the couch with him and there are a million relaxed and easy-going ways to move things in a frisky direction. Definitely have whatever he likes to drink on available.

And for god's sake, if a friend/relative phones you while he's there, don't talk for more than 60 seconds; tell them you'll call them later. Better yet let the answering machine get it. I walked out on a girl who couldn't figure this one out.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:27 AM on January 3, 2007


ewkpates has a correct answer here, though I'd go with Chinese or pizza, and add in a bottle of wine.

Also, it need not be a romantic comedy--some classic that merits repeat viewing, and that you've both already seen, might possibly be better. People feel more comfortable talking during those sorts of movies. (Raiders of the Lost Ark has worked wonders for me in the past.)
posted by Prospero at 10:32 AM on January 3, 2007


from a man's POV, it sounds like he IS "awkward and shy." Confidence with women and physical appearance aren't really correlated that strongly in men. A lot of the least attractive men are the most aggressive around women- think construction workers.

So yeah, it's very possible he likes you but is also nervous about making the first move. So invite him over and see what happens.

ps I dont know what "chinese pizza" is, but it sounds delicious.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:34 AM on January 3, 2007


To boil it down:

Positive signs: Eager, interested in things you talk about, asking you lots of questions, making jokes, prolonged eye contact (big one), nervous laughter, uncomfortableness during time when mutual crush is unacknowledged, initiated physical contact (hug), asked you to call him when back in town (did as much as he could to initiate next meeting with you), told you he had fun with you.

Negative signs: Didn't respond to book suggestion sent by e-mail.

Shy gal, I think you've got a very interested boy. As for thinking he's too beautiful to be awkward and shy, he may not see himself that way. A lot of people don't. A lot of us suddenly metamorphize into big gallumphing doofuses, in fact, when we get around a girl we like.

You may find this PDF of assistance in terms of how to flirt with him: physical contact (arm/hand touching), eye contact, leaning a bit towards him, having an open posture. Physical contact and eye contact are your friends here.

Good luck!
posted by WCityMike at 10:35 AM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


Sigh, it is quite simple, even for myself, an admittedly shy and non-social person.

To achieve the person of your desires, simply convince yourself that they want to be with you. (He's interested, he gave you a hug and desired continued contact, meaning, touch contact) Fantasize your little head off for a few hours about what it would be like. Leave no stone unturned or bone unscrewed. Do this for several days and then you can't help yourself around your person of affection. A kiss will ensue. Don't force the issue. Talk about things like secrets, childhood, risks and fears. If you really need to press the issue, talk about when he first had a crush on a girl (or boy), then turn that topic to you.

Of course, there are many problems with fuck buddying at work. Consider what happens AFTER the fact (6-12 months or so). Are you cool with some of your dirty laundry being aired at work? Do you value your job or your friendship? Then don't continue.

I did the fuck buddy thing at work, was fun for a few months, especially to have a secret. Then everybody (it seemed) knew, she found another dude, and I got depressed every time I saw her.

Good luck! You're gonna have fun, either way (although be prepared, if he's really cute, he might have a boyfriend already).
posted by emptyinside at 10:36 AM on January 3, 2007 [2 favorites]


I, also, feel for you. Which is no small feat since I auctioned most of my feelings to buy Christmas presents this year. As a dude I think I can offer you something.

I personally operate on what I call the 99% rule. I'm 99% to making out with any woman I find attractive. They just have to come that final 1%. Your story makes me think I may not be unique in this practice.

So make plans with him. Wait for the right moment. You'll know it when you see it. Then kiss him. It can be on the cheek. Then gauge his reaction. Most people don't react with crazy pissed off when they're kissed. If he reacts this way, you may want to rethink doing the horizontal mambo. IF he smiles and lets you know it was cool. That is the go ahead. If he gets shy and/or weirded out. Ask him why. If this happens, his answer may suprise you. His waxing and waning interest may not be totally about you.

Finally, as stated above most people don't react badly to sorties of physical affection. So even if he isn't interested in you romantically, he probably still has the capacity to be your friend.

Good Luck and don't forget to update us on the situation.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 10:40 AM on January 3, 2007


I went through this a few years ago. I met the guy in a class we had together, we had a great time yucking it up during class and started walking to the bus together after class. I initiated an email correspondence (which sounds like what you're describing-- I'd write to him and he'd take a week to write back, if at all), invited him out for beers and then sushi, and otherwise indicated my interest pretty clearly. Still, he didn't seem to be biting in any real way other than acting interested when we saw one another, which was in class.

Turned out he had a serious, live-in girlfriend. He was interested in me, sure, but was being a creep by not telling me about her so as to continue feeding my clear interest without actually cheating. A bunch of drama ensued, including him eventually telling me about her, him cheating on her with me, her calling me repeatedly to scream at me, and the two of them breaking up so he could basically move in with me. It was the worst relationship experience I've ever had.

I'm probably projecting my own set of biases into your situation, but after 15 years of dating, it's a pretty good rule of thumb that if a guy is interested in you that he will make that clear early on. If he wants to sleep with/date you and there's nothing standing in the way (like a significant other), you'll know it. Guys don't generally play games with women they want to sleep with because what's the point? Delayed gratification? Thrill of the pursuit?

Yeah, not so much. Make one overt gesture and if he still acts this way, move on.
posted by hollisimo at 10:41 AM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


If you want a way to approach this that does not involve you risking flat, uncomfortable rejection, you're out of luck.

If you want a guarantee of not messing up a friendship, or inadvertently starting a frighteningly serious relationship, you are out of luck.

Stop trying to think your way to an answer you can only get from the only person who has it. Make a situation where you are alone together. Tell him you like him. If he says something like "oh wow, you know I like you to but but but," well, you know, it sucks to be you. Pain, misery, we've all been there, you'll get over it. If he responds positively ask him if you can kiss him. The rest will take care of itself.
posted by nanojath at 10:43 AM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


(Incidentally: I could give you the million potential reasons for mixed signals but you seem imaginative and I'm lazy, so I'll just give you one abbreviated example: I think fondly every single day of the woman who gave me the most persistent, maddening, incomprehensible mixed signals for something like damn near a year. I call her "the wife" these days, though the boy prefers "mommy." You just never know).
posted by nanojath at 10:44 AM on January 3, 2007 [2 favorites]


I don't really have too much constructive advice for you, but oh, I have so much sympathy. I've been in your situation so many times. In the past, all of those types of situations have fizzled out for me because I was always afraid of making a move and then the guy would move or the semester ended or I quit the job or whatever.

I lucked out by eventually finding a guy who is very extroverted and not at all shy about telling me how he felt. Having an extroverted partner has really helped me to improve my social skills and go out and interact with people more. He's exhausting at times but totally worth it.

Looking back, though, on those situations that fizzled out, I do kind of regret not having done *anything.* Make a move, see what happens. Don't let it get you down too much if it doesn't work out; instead, give yourself credit for trying instead of passively hoping things work out on their own.
posted by sutel at 10:57 AM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


Just do it & quit thinking about it. You can't think your way into another persons head.

ewkpates has the answer, just ask him over. No friends, just you two. And good looking guys can still be shy, period. Its the ugly people who gotta be less shy. So, if it bombs, as it may if he's shy, try again, gentle persistence counts.
posted by jeffburdges at 10:59 AM on January 3, 2007


The work thing might be a real problem --- depends on what is considered ok where you work, if one of you supervises the other, etc. Definitely proceed with caution if you are coworkers. I won't say "don't" because lots of people make it work, but the risks are definitely higher.

I really think that it is hard to go wrong with the tried-and-tested. This is definitely a situation where cliches are ok. Invite him out for "drinks" (doesn't mean you actually have to drink a lot), or dinner, or coffee, or to a movie, or for a drive in the countryside. You know, one of those old-fangled "date" things --- but make sure it is a real invitation, for a defined activity. "Drinks at the neighborhood bar on Tuesday" is good, "Let's hang out sometime" is not so good.

At some point in the evening you'll have to make a choice. You can be a modern woman and make the moves on him (yes, risking that he will say no, or laugh, or otherwise reject your advances), or you can be more along the lines of a "Rules" girl and limit yourself to inviting his advances. That has the benefit of no risk of rejection, but runs the risk that a socially awkward or confused or uncertain guy will miss the hints, and never make a move, leaving you as uncertain as you are right now

So I'm suggesting inviting him out, and if things don't move forward in an unambiguous way, assume he's not really into you (or if he is, it is in that adolescent drama-seeking way that you probably don't want at this point in your life) and move on.
posted by Forktine at 11:06 AM on January 3, 2007


From the man's perspective, I would LOVE if that happened to me - providing I was attracted to the girl.

Now how to you go about finding that out?

Ask him out, or have him over for dinner, watch something sexy, don't be stingy on the booze, and see where things go.

If you end up in the sack, it's a lot easier to be honest and just say you want to be lovers/friends - nothing serious. Some guys like that, some don't.

Really, as I see it, you have the upper hand here.

If you ask him out and he keeps avoiding it, then he's just trying to be nice and isn't really attracted to you.

If you ask him out and he comes over, but he makes a point of sitting far away from you - that's kind of another hint.

If you ask him over and he is interested in you, with some beers and a dark cozy setting (maybe a shoulder rub) - nature will take its course.
posted by rougy at 11:21 AM on January 3, 2007


For god's sake, get him alone, look in his eyes for a moment, and kiss him.

A single kiss is not going to make him incredibly uncomfortable if he does in fact have an SO (but if feels guilty, he will stop you before more happens). It's also unlikely to make him all that uncomfortable, period. Kissing is fun. It's also got a lot of depth, so it will kick things off and give you a chance to see how he feels.

Personally? I'm pretty sure he likes you, but he's shy. Looks and social courage are very, very unrelated assets for guys (I'm living proof, haha).
posted by dmaterialized at 11:31 AM on January 3, 2007


wow. This is how I felt about just about every woman I met from the time I was 13 until I got married: It's interesting to see it from the female perspective. The hard part for me, that I never really mastered was the exact problem that you are having: how to tell if someone is interested in a little more than just being friends.

Ask him if he ever played spin the bottle. You FEEL like an awkward teenager, so you might as well ACT like one.

But from an old hopeless doofus to a young hopeless doofus, my hat's off to you -- good luck.
posted by stupidcomputernickname at 11:38 AM on January 3, 2007


It's true that good looking dudes are not necessarily suave. I am interested in this guy who is incredibly hot (even his rate-my-professor reviews say so) but he's so dense and confusing I almost wonder if he's got some kind of brain damage.

Sometimes I feel I'm being messed with, but I'm hanging back and seeing what develops.

Don't forget to ENJOY this excruciating glee you feel. Believe it or not, you would miss it if it went away. Having a crush and constantly feeling like it's going to kill you dead is half of the fun of dating!!
posted by loiseau at 11:38 AM on January 3, 2007


Guys are frequently dense (I am almost unimaginably dense, myself), so be blunt. You probably think you've been blunt, but you haven't. I'll spare you the anecdotes, but any kind of "sign" you think you're making is liable to be misinterpreted. Yes, even a kiss. Yes, really.

So, be blunt, and tell him you're interested. If you're worried about the work scene, or a continuing friendship, then preface things by stating your concerns on that front ("Hey, I value the way we interact at work but...").

Warning: Most guys I've witnessed/been/talked to would immediately go on alert if you start a conversation the way I've just described. Personally, I think you want that -- it makes sure he's paying attention.

Note: if he politely declines, and if you really DO value the way you interact, you'll have to be cool with the rejection and continue interacting the way you always have.
posted by aramaic at 12:06 PM on January 3, 2007


Invite boy over to watch movie, have dinner, listen to Southern Baptist Irish yodeling hymns, whatever. Make sure that if you do dinner, there is some time when you aren’t separated by a plate of food.

If you want to sit close to boy, then sit close to boy. If he doesn’t move away after a few minutes, there you are sitting next to boy.

After that, you have a lot of choices. Some great ones include such favorites as the “neck snuggle hug,” the “Hey, you look a little tense, let me rub your back,” and that oldie but goodie, “Oh man, did I just kiss you? Sorry about that, let me kiss it and make it better.”

Seriously, I have only had a girl be forward with me once, and it freakin rocked! She wasn’t pushy, but made her intentions known. I was a bit hesitant, not because I wasn’t interested, but because the girl not playing games was new to me.



Now I just need to find someone for a neck-snuggle hug…
posted by Chickenjack at 12:14 PM on January 3, 2007


Blunt is good.

My girlfriend of 9 years met me at a café and decided that I was hers. She stuck her breasts in my face and informed me that I'd be sleeping in her bed that night.

I hadn't responded to her previous advances because I was in a situation where I really couldn't be starting any serious or long-term relationships and I was trying to be "nice" by not stringing her along.

By letting me know that she wasn't looking for anything serious (at that point) we were able to come to a certain understanding. So we had our non-relationship fun until I was at a point where I could be a part of a serious couple, and here we are, still going strong.
posted by lekvar at 12:35 PM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


Man, I would love it if a girl was forward with me. I'll echo every guy who's commented on this, and say that what women perceive to be clear signals often are not. I'm generally a pretty extroverted guy (you have to be in politics), but if I'm interested in a woman, I turn to mush. Charismatic? Yeah, not really. The end result has been that I've generally been more single than not, and that I don't approach people I like romantically.

Now, this isn't the fault of women. Having grown up with three women (one of them a younger sister), women suffer when guys promise to call, and don't. Plus there's the whole stigma of a woman being forward--and believe me, women can be unforgivably catty when it comes to that.

All that to say: you rock!. And I wish more women were forward like you, if you choose to be.
posted by arkhangel at 12:50 PM on January 3, 2007


You're 23? Go out to the bars, drink and then invite him back to your place. "Do you want to come in for a nightcap?"
posted by geoff. at 1:34 PM on January 3, 2007


He was the one who hugged me at the end, told me he had fun, and asked me to give him a call when I get back in town.

Maybe he's gay or just not as sexual as other guys? Invite him over for dinner and a movie, see where it goes.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:30 PM on January 3, 2007


To summarize: The vast majority of men reading your post and hoping against all hope that they are the crush.
posted by phrontist at 2:44 PM on January 3, 2007


not the easy manner in which we interact at work

Meta-answering here - as a person who is shy and reserved at heart who has learned to overcome it when I need/want to, let me say: If you can be calm and at ease with people professionally or even just some people professionally, you can learn to be this way socially. Or at least fake it.

I made a conscious decision in my middle twenties that I was going to learn to talk to strangers at parties. I suffered the awkwardness and gave myself permission to be no damned good at it at first - so I didn't beat myself up over the awkward behaviors like being inappropriately critical or distant - and just kept trying. You'll get more at ease if you stop holding yourself so accountable for missteps and just keep trying. Clearly you're smart and articulate enough to communicate with people - now you just need to practice.

Good luck with your dude.
posted by phearlez at 3:48 PM on January 3, 2007


Speaking as a shy guy, methinks a shy gal gets laid exactly the same way that a shy guy gets laid: You gather your courage and you ask. Write yourself a script if you have to. All you have to do is ask once in a totally non-refutable way, because, as others have said, people are often dense, or, more likely, in denial that anybody would really like them (just like you feel!).

If you're declined, then the guy is either not single, not straight, not attracted or on a mindfuck (okay, alternately they might be rightfully worried about the logistics of a work relationship.) None of those situations you want to touch with a 10-foot pole anyways, so one, undeniable, ask is all you need. Straight, sexually active men need very little prompting to want sex from a young woman such as yourself. You have no idea how many cards you hold right now.

That being said, one thing that I learned from my social anxiety was that I needed to strike while the stakes were still low. Right now, you've spent way too much time up in your head devising nightmare rejection scenarios and wonderful cloud-9 futures for you to significantly downgrade this particular relationship in your own head. It's also high stakes because of the work relationship. If this proposal goes bad, which I really doubt it will, then I would suggest creating future opportunities for meeting people in low stakes environments (the oft-cited volunteering or joining a club with a good male/female ratio comes to mind.)

There are a few good suggestions in the comments above mine for ways to keep this current flame as low stakes as possible, like the at-home Raiders of the Lost Arc movie night. Traditional dinner and movie sucks with this, because there's not a lot of chance for interaction. My big low stakes date is bowling, or any other pseudo-competitive physical date (rollerskating, skee-ball, putt-putt) where there is lots of room for ironic high-fives and shoulder patting. If you go this route, start with low stakes, plausibly deniable affectionate touching, then work your way to stroking arms, holding hands, snuggling and other higher stakes, less deniable signs of affection. Whenever they reciprocate, you're golden and you can continue to raise the stakes. If they start to back off, then you need to decide whether it's worth asking outright what's wrong or to take your lumps and move on.

Also: Never, ever, ever!, try to read subtle intentions out of email behavior. I can not emphasize this enough. The fewer of the five senses that are involved in a particular communications protocol, the more room there is for misinterpretation. No emotionally important conversation, be it friendly or potentially conflicted, should ever take place over email. Even telephone is really pushing the limit. Email isn't even a trustworthy medium. He might not have even received your message. Email is a tempting crutch and, often, a useful tool for the socially anxious, but, like any tool, it needs to be used with its limitations in mind.

Good luck.
posted by Skwirl at 4:36 PM on January 3, 2007 [2 favorites]


the key to understanding this situation is at hand
posted by clord at 4:47 PM on January 3, 2007 [2 favorites]


I've said it before and I'll say it again - You're probably more afraid that he'll say 'yes' than 'no'. Embrace that and life gets much easier.
posted by plinth at 4:57 PM on January 3, 2007 [1 favorite]


Invite him over and watch "Out of Sight". After the scene in the trunk, you'll know if he's interested.
posted by donpardo at 5:02 PM on January 3, 2007


Lots of good advice here, shy girl. I'll add one more. If you throw out the line and he doesn't bite? Cut bait and move on. There's nothing that will keep you getting laid more than pining for someone who is not interested.
posted by amanda at 5:17 PM on January 3, 2007


Women have been forward with me twice in my life. One instance I still remember with fondness and I am married to the second participant.
posted by mecran01 at 7:53 PM on January 3, 2007 [3 favorites]


Sounds like you might be attracted to a guy like me. Further explanation... I'm an attractive male but have a strong aversion to making the first move. I find it much easier to sit tight and wait. Sooner or later, if she is really interested, she will unequivocally throw it out there. It makes relationships much easier, less messy and, in some instances, quick. Question is what should you do to get it going? I had one who, after beating around the bush for two months, got me alone, bought a 12 pack of beer and had me drive the two of us out to some deserted barn. I sat there and drank nine of the beers and had a casual conversation about nothing in particular. 5 hours had elapsed, there was a two minute moment of silence, then she finally said: "Are you going to kiss me or what?" That sealed the deal, I knew the rest was completely down hill. My advice, take a deep breath, a shot of tequila and tell the guy what you want. One way or the other it will either be all over or just getting start in less than 15 seconds.
posted by bkeene12 at 8:23 PM on January 3, 2007


You know, loiseau, it's only fun when both people know it's a game.
posted by rougy at 8:59 PM on January 3, 2007


rougy: "You know, loiseau, it's only fun when both people know it's a game."

Not necessarily. Even my crushes that haven't worked out are fun and exciting and energizing. I've been single a long time and when I have a crush I feel almost painfully alive, intensely sexual, and I tend to take care of myself better physically. I have something positive to daydream about and enjoy the rush of feeling. All of those things are good whether or not the romance happens. When I have no crush I sometimes wish I had something to get tingly and stumbly over.

But it's not always fun, I know: just tonight I got bailed on last-minute by Brain-Damaged Boy I mentioned above. (He promised to make it up to me on Friday night, but I'm reserving expectations.)
posted by loiseau at 9:49 PM on January 3, 2007 [3 favorites]


anonymous, there is no subtle way to tell someone you want to fuck them. So straddle him, give him your best naughty smile, and gently bite your lower lip. Wait a beat, then kiss him.

There's a couple of probable outcomes:
  1. He starts kissing you back, and you move on to other business: negotiating how best to fuck each other's brains out. Mazel tov! and use a condom.
  2. He gets freaked out about relationships he's not in yet. Assure him you really just want to fuck his brains out. Proceed to do so.
  3. He gets freaked out about having a woman initiate sex. This is not the kind of man you want to be fucking. Good lovers don't tend to quibble with how they end up in your bed, nor do they have little gender-role scripts for who does what (unless it's Role Play Night). Bottom line: he's cute as hell and worthless for what you need. Find another cutie who doesn't mind it when you relieve him of his pants.
  4. He turns out to be taken or gay or not have been attracted to you sexually or is a fucking martian or something and everything gets awkward. This happens, and it hurts like hell. Kick his ass out, call up a close friend, pour your heart out, drink way too much wine, decide he's an ass, etc. Either way, it's over and once you've shaken it off you can get back on it and go get you some.
Regardless of what happens, remember this: your emotional reaction is proportional to your expectations. If someone you don't know says you look nice in passing, it's a minor ego boost. If you're talking to The Boy and he mentions the same, all of a sudden it's a Portentous Omen to be pored over in excruciating detail by the Scryers Of Casual Conversations and you're fluttery and freaked for the rest of the day.

The energy you're putting into your expectations comes at the cost of being able to see the present moment for what it is and acting accordingly. If something goes wrong and you don't end up pooning him it's not just another night of thinking about Jake Gyllenhaal for you -- you'll have to undergo the loss of the imaginary relationships you have with this boy in your head. You've been mooning after this fool for so long that you've convinced yourself that a Grand Gesture is needed, when really Any Gesture At All will do.

N.B.: Hinting does not count as a gesture. Nor does wishing or hoping or positive visualization. Making a little O with the index finger and thumb of your left hand and repeatedly thrusting the index finger of your right hand through it while winking at him is a gesture, though I can't say it's one that's gotten anyone anywhere. Still, it counts.

So fix yourself a gin & tonic, take a deep breath, and climb on top of him. Give him a big smile ("My goodness! What ever could you be doing between my legs!"), bite your lip ("I know what you could be doing between my legs..."), and kiss him already!

(And let us know how it went!)
posted by Coda at 11:08 PM on January 3, 2007 [2 favorites]


Give the standard come-on signs. From the less to the more obvious:

1. Eye contact, smile, eye contact, smile, eye contact, smile.

2. Show the palm of your hand. To create the opportunity, let your head drop forward and then up, and brush back your hair. Also do it whenever you laugh.

3. Light contact -- as you go by, let your sleeve, but not your body, brush his arm.

4. When you laugh, touch his upper arm lightly.

5. Wear a tight, smooth sweater or knit shirt and a push-up bra. When sitting opposite him, reach behind your back and pull the back of your bra down so that your breasts point straight at his face. Push one shoulder forward to bring that breast closer, so he can't see anything else.

6. Wear nipple falsies that make them look always erect.

7. Brush your hand lightly on his crotch.

If he's quick, he'll get it at step 1. Even if he wants to show "respect" and be super-sure, he'll know what you want by step 4. Even the biggest nerd will know by step 5, and the last two are just to accelerate the process.
posted by KRS at 2:03 PM on January 4, 2007


KRS: The palms of her hands? Fake nipples?! Surely you're kidding.
posted by Coda at 6:38 PM on January 4, 2007


Of course he likes you - get on with it.

Other than that, my suggestion would be that you don't read "He's Just Not That Into You". Nothing I've heard about it seems remotely grounded in real life if the guy you like happens to be shy.

The number of times I've spent staring at my phone wanting to text my crush but not having a thing to say...
posted by cornflake at 10:23 PM on January 4, 2007


Geez, this is what happens when I skip a day reading MF...arriving late to the party to say that I think it's a good thing that you're seeking counsel on this and I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here. However, most of it seems to be about how to make the move and not so much about evaluating the situation. As a few others here have mentioned, getting involved with someone at work is something that should be approached with caution. I think perhaps your shyness and confusion about the mixed signals is really a subconcious way of holding back until you feel it's safer to proceed (or not). Don't discount the value of that.

I've stood at a similar fork in the road more than once and depending on which path I chose the results have varied from "yeah, baby" to life-alteringly disastrous. A significant difference in outcomes I think can largely be attributed to not being clear about one's own motives. If you really do just want to screw this guy and either aren't concerned about or can live with what may happen if that doesn't go well (e.g., you'd be facing your mistake every day at work), then I'd say go for it. But, if you're thinking you're going to put some mad sex on this hot-guy-who-probably-has-to-beat-the-women-off and then he's going to fall in love with you because of it, "Danger, Will Robinson." It's been said that women use sex to get love and men use love (or the appearance of it) to get sex. I think if either of those are true and both parties are aware of it and are okay with it, no problem. But if either party isn't honest with themselves or the other party about their motives, it's a countdown to a bad and possibly painful ending.

Others in this post have suggested that the object of your obsession may also be shy and just be waiting for you to make a definitive move. Based on some of the details you provided (such as his not responding to the e-mail) I'm inclined to wonder about that. I think it's possible--and you suggested it yourself in your post--that at best he might be playing you for his own amusement because you're just one in his sea of fish, or, at worst you're being used as a pawn and his behavior toward you is really for the benefit of another target. A cynical view perhaps but it does happen. (Inserting a tangential thanks here to Tasty Like Your 9V Battery who posted a couple of weeks about the seduction community and PUA. That was some eye-opening reading, especially when I realized I'd done some of that stuff myself back when I was young and stupid.)

Good luck, anon. I hope it works out for you. Post back and let us know.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:40 AM on January 5, 2007


Hopefully you've followed your inclinations and don't need more reiteration. I do want to share a phrase that I believe is incredibly true and has been a fortifying influence in my movement through life:

Regret for things done is more easily tempered by time than regret for things not done.

(sorry, cannot remember attibution)
posted by gbinal at 5:47 PM on January 6, 2007


Satan by Orbital and apparently Sweat Loaf by the Butthole Surfers both start with the following dialog:

Son: Daddy?
Dad: Yes, son?
Son: What does regret mean?
Dad: Well a funny thing about regret is, its better to regret something you have done, then to regret something you haven't done....Oh and if you see your mother this weekend remember to tell her- SATAN, SATAN, SATAN

But I somehow find gbinal's quote more compelling. :P
posted by jeffburdges at 7:44 AM on January 9, 2007


Update:

I asked the crush over but...he never got back to me. I don't think shyness is an excuse for rudeness, so I'm a little pissed and hurt. However this is ultimately a good thing, because my extreme disappointment made me realize that I actually have feelings for him and that I probably couldn't have such a casual relationship with the kid anyways (I know I sound a lot less cool for this, forgive me! Don't give up hope - there are plenty of women out there who are looking for exactly this sort of thing!!) I realize now he was just messing with my head, so at the moment I'm nursing a broken heart, embarrassment, and sexual frustration all at once. Yay!

But I wanted to thank you all for the excellent advice that I will definitely use, and refer others to, if this sort of situation should occur again (if I can become adequately detached!)
posted by Sock Muppet Acct! at 4:04 PM on January 12, 2007


Decades after anyone cares, I'm going to jump in here and say: you have every right to be pissed, he's an ass in my book, and I hope you ditch him without looking back.

Not accepting the invite is one thing, but not replying is quite another. He's not shy, he's not dense, he's an ass.
posted by aramaic at 9:33 AM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]


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