Effectively communicating my feeling neglected
March 14, 2016 3:53 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend a few months ago started a new job in my home country. He has never worked overseas before, and the nature of the new job and the cultural differences are making it really difficult for him, taking up a lot of his time and mental space. I am feeling neglected. I want to communicate this without stressing him out more than he already is.
The nature of this job is that he works on projects that run on very tight schedules (average 3 months from project signoff till deadline). They are very fast-paced, and due to the difference in the way things are done here, are very taxing on him. The past two weekends he had to work both Saturday and Sunday for 12 hours straight so the project could be delivered on time. The due date is this Friday so it’s pretty much crunch time.
The past few days I have started to really feel neglected. Pretty much all we talk about is The Project. He has been coming home late from work, and would continue sending emails from home. Then he’d do his chores around the house. By the time he joins me on the couch to watch TV he’d be exhausted and would fall asleep halfway through. We also have less sex – twice a week instead or every other day, though the sex itself is still awesome and satisfying.
I understand that the culture shock is huge (he’s from the UK, my home country is a developing economy in South East Asia). I appreciate the fact that he moved here to be with me, when my visa couldn’t be renewed in the UK. But I can’t help how I feel. I have read the emotional labour thread, and while we split chores in a way that works for the both of us, right now I feel I’m doing the labour of being emotionally supportive and understanding while my emotional needs aren’t met.
So I know I’d have to bring it up to him at some point. Thing is I don’t know whether to wait till this weekend, after the project has been handed over or talk about it ASAP (tonight most probably) before resentment builds up on my part. I know it’s a few days more, and I don’t think he has the head space to process yet another issue right now. Also, I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing at yet another aspect of his life although I know he would ultimately understand where I’m coming and work to be better. BUT I’m the type that speaks up about any issues in the moment and any waiting would build up resentment - resulting in me approaching the issue unhealthily and aggressively.
We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s otherwise so attentive, affectionate and well put together before all this started. He’s just less so lately. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I worry that this is the new normal.
So I guess my questions are:
- Should I bring up this issue NOW or wait till this weekend? Reasons above.
- If I bring it up now, how do I do it in a way that doesn’t stress him out more?
- I also feel like I’m not 100% supportive of him right now because of FEELINGS. Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing and I am so glad he was there during those times. How do I be more like that yet still looking out for my own needs?
Any other advice or insights I would be so thankful for!
The nature of this job is that he works on projects that run on very tight schedules (average 3 months from project signoff till deadline). They are very fast-paced, and due to the difference in the way things are done here, are very taxing on him. The past two weekends he had to work both Saturday and Sunday for 12 hours straight so the project could be delivered on time. The due date is this Friday so it’s pretty much crunch time.
The past few days I have started to really feel neglected. Pretty much all we talk about is The Project. He has been coming home late from work, and would continue sending emails from home. Then he’d do his chores around the house. By the time he joins me on the couch to watch TV he’d be exhausted and would fall asleep halfway through. We also have less sex – twice a week instead or every other day, though the sex itself is still awesome and satisfying.
I understand that the culture shock is huge (he’s from the UK, my home country is a developing economy in South East Asia). I appreciate the fact that he moved here to be with me, when my visa couldn’t be renewed in the UK. But I can’t help how I feel. I have read the emotional labour thread, and while we split chores in a way that works for the both of us, right now I feel I’m doing the labour of being emotionally supportive and understanding while my emotional needs aren’t met.
So I know I’d have to bring it up to him at some point. Thing is I don’t know whether to wait till this weekend, after the project has been handed over or talk about it ASAP (tonight most probably) before resentment builds up on my part. I know it’s a few days more, and I don’t think he has the head space to process yet another issue right now. Also, I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing at yet another aspect of his life although I know he would ultimately understand where I’m coming and work to be better. BUT I’m the type that speaks up about any issues in the moment and any waiting would build up resentment - resulting in me approaching the issue unhealthily and aggressively.
We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s otherwise so attentive, affectionate and well put together before all this started. He’s just less so lately. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I worry that this is the new normal.
So I guess my questions are:
- Should I bring up this issue NOW or wait till this weekend? Reasons above.
- If I bring it up now, how do I do it in a way that doesn’t stress him out more?
- I also feel like I’m not 100% supportive of him right now because of FEELINGS. Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing and I am so glad he was there during those times. How do I be more like that yet still looking out for my own needs?
Any other advice or insights I would be so thankful for!
HIs immersion this project may also be a good, productive way to manage/ get over his own culture shock. My bet is that this is not the "new normal" - this is a major adjustment period for him, and it sounds like he is coping quite well. Keep yourself busy and cut him a lot of slack, if you can.
posted by nkknkk at 4:27 AM on March 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 4:27 AM on March 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
And plan something fun together for when the project is over!
posted by nkknkk at 4:32 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 4:32 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
I've worked 70+ hour project management type jobs and they're really draining at first encounter especially if you haven't done it before. It just takes some time to develop coping strategies. It's no different to starting work at a restaurant or supermarket and spending 12 hour shifts on your feet serving customers. Most people straight out of school find a standard 40 hour a week white collar job pretty draining until they develop their own set of coping strategies as well, so the step from 40 hours to 70 hours is another big one that needs additional resilience and strategies.
I wouldn't bring it up to him until after the project, it's not like he needs ANOTHER thing to worry about. It's like asking someone running on zero to give more: I'm sure the project would ask him to work 80-90 hours a week if he could give it, but realistically that's all he has in him. You shouldn't even need to tell him: I'm sure he's aware he's not pulling his weight as he was before, but realistically what can he do about it?
posted by xdvesper at 4:44 AM on March 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't bring it up to him until after the project, it's not like he needs ANOTHER thing to worry about. It's like asking someone running on zero to give more: I'm sure the project would ask him to work 80-90 hours a week if he could give it, but realistically that's all he has in him. You shouldn't even need to tell him: I'm sure he's aware he's not pulling his weight as he was before, but realistically what can he do about it?
posted by xdvesper at 4:44 AM on March 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
BF is working twice as much as normal to be in the same country as you. I think you need to talk gameplan. If this job requires he work this much, you're going to be and feel neglected, because he literally had no time for you. It's just the reality of your current situation. If I had to work 80 hours a week to be with my SO, I would dump them and move home (fwiw).
Can he change jobs? Can you move countries together? Will this job settle to less than 60 hours a week?
posted by Kalmya at 5:03 AM on March 14, 2016 [16 favorites]
Can he change jobs? Can you move countries together? Will this job settle to less than 60 hours a week?
posted by Kalmya at 5:03 AM on March 14, 2016 [16 favorites]
I appreciate the fact that he moved here to be with me, when my visa couldn’t be renewed in the UK. But I can’t help how I feel.
I moved from one Western European country to another Western European country to be with the man I love. Adjusting to the culture shock took me almost a year. Adjusting to the working culture? It took me way longer.
You are back in a country where you know how things work. You know where to buy a light bulb, how to order food, how supermarkets are organised, and how you say hello to people. Your boyfriend is learning all this on top of getting to grips with a new job and a whole new working culture.
It's been a few weeks. You need to hang in there for much longer and you need to help him out. In the UK he had much more surplus mental energy. It's now your turn.
posted by kariebookish at 5:16 AM on March 14, 2016 [40 favorites]
I moved from one Western European country to another Western European country to be with the man I love. Adjusting to the culture shock took me almost a year. Adjusting to the working culture? It took me way longer.
You are back in a country where you know how things work. You know where to buy a light bulb, how to order food, how supermarkets are organised, and how you say hello to people. Your boyfriend is learning all this on top of getting to grips with a new job and a whole new working culture.
It's been a few weeks. You need to hang in there for much longer and you need to help him out. In the UK he had much more surplus mental energy. It's now your turn.
posted by kariebookish at 5:16 AM on March 14, 2016 [40 favorites]
I'd tell him now but not expect anything until after the project is complete. "I'm feeling neglected and I know you have to be focused on your project now but I'm feeling neglected so let's talk this weekend about how we can balance our work and our life better."
If this is how his work goes, then your life together may be *all work* followed by periods of relationship-focus, and you need to accept his limited capacity during intense work periods. The key then would be whether he acknowledges your needs and reliably meets them in the downtime, when he has the capacity to do so.
posted by headnsouth at 5:20 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
If this is how his work goes, then your life together may be *all work* followed by periods of relationship-focus, and you need to accept his limited capacity during intense work periods. The key then would be whether he acknowledges your needs and reliably meets them in the downtime, when he has the capacity to do so.
posted by headnsouth at 5:20 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
For yourself, what can you do some evenings to take your mind off the situation? Things like take a walk, meet a friend for dessert, have a bath, etc. so you're not just resenting your bf and waiting for him. Is there a hobby or something you've been putting off? Now would be a good time to revisit your own goals.
For the relationship, can your bf agree to a set date night each week, like Saturday nights he stops working at 6 or 7 and you do something special? Can you interrupt your bf at set times for some cuddling and a few minutes of non-work talk? He's probably not even aware he's only talking about the project as often as he is, I think you could gently say you feel like the project is taking over your mental space and you'd like to talk about future plans for the two of you or something else you're looking forward to.
Of course, have a talk about the sustainability of this sort of pattern/workload but I think some tweaks like those above would help a lot in the short-term.
posted by lafemma at 5:31 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
For the relationship, can your bf agree to a set date night each week, like Saturday nights he stops working at 6 or 7 and you do something special? Can you interrupt your bf at set times for some cuddling and a few minutes of non-work talk? He's probably not even aware he's only talking about the project as often as he is, I think you could gently say you feel like the project is taking over your mental space and you'd like to talk about future plans for the two of you or something else you're looking forward to.
Of course, have a talk about the sustainability of this sort of pattern/workload but I think some tweaks like those above would help a lot in the short-term.
posted by lafemma at 5:31 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
We also have less sex – twice a week instead or every other day, though the sex itself is still awesome and satisfying.
That's a good sign.
posted by 41swans at 5:39 AM on March 14, 2016
That's a good sign.
posted by 41swans at 5:39 AM on March 14, 2016
I work projects too. When you're working those 70 hour weeks, it is both physically and mentally exhausting. I worked 2 weeks straight on one project. I worked 16 hour days on another.
Thank goodness Husbunny understands and allows me to do what I like to do, keeps things running at home so I can work. It's temporary. When I'm between projects, we have lots of time together. The project I'm on now is in-town and it's not on fire, so...Yay!
My point is that sometimes you both pitch in together to make something work. Perhaps he feels neglected too? Here he is working his ass off, and he'd like to be pampered, or to go play tennis, or to get away from the blasted project, but he can't. It's not like he's out laughing it up with his buddies while you're home tending children. He's working for the both of you. Just like you work for the both of you.
I get that you want more emotional connection, and it might be that you have to carve that out in other ways.
Let the project come to an end, and let him rest (probably sleep) for 12 hours, THEN have a discussion about how your relationship looks with a very demanding job.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:43 AM on March 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Thank goodness Husbunny understands and allows me to do what I like to do, keeps things running at home so I can work. It's temporary. When I'm between projects, we have lots of time together. The project I'm on now is in-town and it's not on fire, so...Yay!
My point is that sometimes you both pitch in together to make something work. Perhaps he feels neglected too? Here he is working his ass off, and he'd like to be pampered, or to go play tennis, or to get away from the blasted project, but he can't. It's not like he's out laughing it up with his buddies while you're home tending children. He's working for the both of you. Just like you work for the both of you.
I get that you want more emotional connection, and it might be that you have to carve that out in other ways.
Let the project come to an end, and let him rest (probably sleep) for 12 hours, THEN have a discussion about how your relationship looks with a very demanding job.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:43 AM on March 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
As someone that moved from Australia top the USA do not underestimate the difficulty some people have adjusting to new places.
I would actually let him know that your you're going to help take some of the around the house stress off his shoulders this week until Friday, but next week when the deadline is over and he's had some decompressing time you need to talk, because this is not healthy for either of you.
Yes both sides need to share emotional labor, but it doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time, that's the cool part about relationships, when needed someone can help the other one our for a bit.
posted by wwax at 5:51 AM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
I would actually let him know that your you're going to help take some of the around the house stress off his shoulders this week until Friday, but next week when the deadline is over and he's had some decompressing time you need to talk, because this is not healthy for either of you.
Yes both sides need to share emotional labor, but it doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time, that's the cool part about relationships, when needed someone can help the other one our for a bit.
posted by wwax at 5:51 AM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
From your post, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is working such crazy hours because he's the workaholic type who wants to be constantly working - this situation is probably making him stressed and unhappy, too. Talking about it now probably isn't going to yield good results because he's likely already feeling overwhelmed - he's in this situation because he moved countries to live with you, and you don't want him doing what he's doing (it sounds like he doesn't, either), but what alternatives does he have? If you wait until the project is done this Friday (and I think Ruthless Bunny is right to suggest giving him a little decompression time as well), ideally he'll be in a better headspace to tackle this situation with you in a team-oriented way to ensure both of your needs are met.
You don't want this to be the new normal, and that's certainly understandable. At the same time, as other posters have already said, sometimes being in a partnership means one person temporarily shores up the other in tough times. If you guys were a new couple you might be getting different answers, but after four years, if you feel good about him and the two of you have weathered other difficult times together, I think it's reasonable to let him get through the end of the week so you can address this as effectively as possible. In the meantime, what coping strategies do you have that can help you defuse some of your resentment? This would be a good time to employ (or figure out) these strategies so that when you DO talk this weekend, you'll both be in a good place to come at the problem from a "Team Us" perspective.
Good luck, and I hope Friday comes soon for both of you!
posted by DingoMutt at 6:10 AM on March 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
You don't want this to be the new normal, and that's certainly understandable. At the same time, as other posters have already said, sometimes being in a partnership means one person temporarily shores up the other in tough times. If you guys were a new couple you might be getting different answers, but after four years, if you feel good about him and the two of you have weathered other difficult times together, I think it's reasonable to let him get through the end of the week so you can address this as effectively as possible. In the meantime, what coping strategies do you have that can help you defuse some of your resentment? This would be a good time to employ (or figure out) these strategies so that when you DO talk this weekend, you'll both be in a good place to come at the problem from a "Team Us" perspective.
Good luck, and I hope Friday comes soon for both of you!
posted by DingoMutt at 6:10 AM on March 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
Is it possible for you to try to reframe how you are interpreting his choices? It sounds like he accepted this demanding and exhausting job in a new country in order to be with you, so all of the long hours and hard work are for you and about you. It's ironic and unfortunate that this means he has less time and energy for you, and it sounds like the two of you should think through what alternatives you have to this situation - is there a less demanding job that he could transition to? Some other solution that allows you to stay together but leaves both of you with enough time that you can actually be together meaningfully? But in the short term, all you can do is try to make the best of a situation that is understandably difficult for both of you. I wonder too if there is anything you can do to free up more of his time and energy for being with you - this is actually a circumstance where you might consider taking on more of the household chores, for example, because as a practical matter, that may mean he has that little extra bit of energy and time for you that could make a difference.
posted by prefpara at 6:17 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 6:17 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
I also feel like I’m not 100% supportive of him right now because of FEELINGS. Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing and I am so glad he was there during those times. How do I be more like that yet still looking out for my own needs?
Right now you are in a tricky spot: you have valid feelings, but he's also going through a rough time, and it's, in the moment, outside of his control. If you can, I'd hold off on bringing it up until the project is done. I'd even give him a day to recover.
And its ok to feel unhappy, its not an ideal situation. FEELINGS don't make you ungrateful or unsupportive. What matters are your actions and what you do with those feelings. When you start to feel resentful, remind yourself of all the times he's been there for you, that this isn't something that he's doing to you, that this isn't permanent, but part of a transition. Then do something nice for yourself: a nice long bath, make your favorite dinner (if you like cooking), favorite movie (especially if it's one he'd not be into) etc. Don't do anything that would exacerbate your resentment, but maybe do something for him, like pick up his favorite beer (if you aren't already doing that). That way you get to feel good for doing something nice and he feels a boost while he's under stress.
If you positively can't contain yourself, I guess go ahead and say you understand he's doing the best he can, but once things calm down, you'd like to find a way to help the busy times be less frantic for him and give you guys a chance to be together during them. That way you're making it clear that you don't expect him to fix it now, that you'll work on it together, and you know he's in a tough spot.
One thing about relationships and emotional labor, is that there will be times where one partner has to pull more weight when the other can't manage. It sounds like this is one of those times for you: he's having to go through a big cultural shift, both at work and outside of it, that takes a lot of emotional energy. And it's not your fault he has to expend that energy, but it is being expended so you guys can be together. Right now you're in a more settled space and can help pick up the slack while he gets adjustmed. As he gets settled, he may be able to manage projects a bit better, so it's only one weekend a month he's AWOL, or he can always take a two hour break on Sundays for you. Or maybe be can find a better job. It sounds like he historically has pulled his weight, so I don't think this is a permanent change, just the reality of going through a transition.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:30 AM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Right now you are in a tricky spot: you have valid feelings, but he's also going through a rough time, and it's, in the moment, outside of his control. If you can, I'd hold off on bringing it up until the project is done. I'd even give him a day to recover.
And its ok to feel unhappy, its not an ideal situation. FEELINGS don't make you ungrateful or unsupportive. What matters are your actions and what you do with those feelings. When you start to feel resentful, remind yourself of all the times he's been there for you, that this isn't something that he's doing to you, that this isn't permanent, but part of a transition. Then do something nice for yourself: a nice long bath, make your favorite dinner (if you like cooking), favorite movie (especially if it's one he'd not be into) etc. Don't do anything that would exacerbate your resentment, but maybe do something for him, like pick up his favorite beer (if you aren't already doing that). That way you get to feel good for doing something nice and he feels a boost while he's under stress.
If you positively can't contain yourself, I guess go ahead and say you understand he's doing the best he can, but once things calm down, you'd like to find a way to help the busy times be less frantic for him and give you guys a chance to be together during them. That way you're making it clear that you don't expect him to fix it now, that you'll work on it together, and you know he's in a tough spot.
One thing about relationships and emotional labor, is that there will be times where one partner has to pull more weight when the other can't manage. It sounds like this is one of those times for you: he's having to go through a big cultural shift, both at work and outside of it, that takes a lot of emotional energy. And it's not your fault he has to expend that energy, but it is being expended so you guys can be together. Right now you're in a more settled space and can help pick up the slack while he gets adjustmed. As he gets settled, he may be able to manage projects a bit better, so it's only one weekend a month he's AWOL, or he can always take a two hour break on Sundays for you. Or maybe be can find a better job. It sounds like he historically has pulled his weight, so I don't think this is a permanent change, just the reality of going through a transition.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:30 AM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
In order to not let resentment build up while you wait, you could write him a letter you won't send off. At the very least, this will help you marshall your thoughts when you finally get to talk to him.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:47 AM on March 14, 2016
posted by Omnomnom at 6:47 AM on March 14, 2016
Have you ever worked with that kind of intensity? I do on and off and I am impressed he finds the energy to do chores when he gets home - I don't, everything functions on autopilot/minimal effort to keep things from disintegrating fully. If he's working this much and finding energy to do chores and be affectionate every so often he's doing quite well - especially as you don't seem to imply that he's a workaholic by nature. If he's got back to back projects and a lot of them are very intense you need to sit down and work out what your new normal is going to be. Please let him wrap this up and let him get a good night's sleep before you sit him down to do this. And be open for range of ways to free up some of his time and headspace for you including outsourcing some chores and such.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:11 AM on March 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:11 AM on March 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
To me it seems like your boyfriend is doing the emotional labour here, of relocating (traditionally the woman's job), acclimating to a new culture and work culture, plus keeping the chores equal. Your needs are important too, and a strong relationship is for both of you. But be sure to recognize that he is contributing.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2016 [16 favorites]
You have lots of advice here about the two-way relationship between you and your significant other, so I thought I'd take another tack. Isn't this why people have friends to vent to? You know your SO is a good person, you know he cares and is just very stressed right now, but you also know not getting your feelings out will make you feel resentful and respond poorly. This is what friends are for! Go out to a bar or café or whatever your preferred friend social thing is to do and vent to your friends. "Ugh, I know Soandso is great but right now suuucks. etc." (Relatives also work, if you have that sort of relationship with them.)
posted by Wretch729 at 8:57 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Wretch729 at 8:57 AM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
He moved to a new job in a new country (primarily for you) and is working 7 days a week for 3 weeks. Cut him some (a lot of) slack. Be sad or lonely or whatever, then move on and realise that he isn't being busy at work to you, and figure out how to be an adult and wait a few days until he is less busy at work and manage your feelings -- if you can't wait five days to bring something like this up without exploding in resentment, you need to figure it out, because from this side you sound like you're being really unfair to him.
posted by jeather at 9:34 AM on March 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by jeather at 9:34 AM on March 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
jeather: "if you can't wait five days to bring something like this up without exploding in resentment, you need to figure it out, because from this side you sound like you're being really unfair to him."
Yes, you're being unreasonable. If I had moved to another country to be with my GF, taken on a difficult job that I did not want, and then had the conversation you're proposing a few days before the deadline for the project, I would seriously consider cutting my losses and going home.
posted by crazy with stars at 9:59 AM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
Yes, you're being unreasonable. If I had moved to another country to be with my GF, taken on a difficult job that I did not want, and then had the conversation you're proposing a few days before the deadline for the project, I would seriously consider cutting my losses and going home.
posted by crazy with stars at 9:59 AM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
Don't bring it up until this weekend. He's really stressed out right now and needs to focus on work for just five more days.
BUT I’m the type that speaks up about any issues in the moment and any waiting would build up resentment - resulting in me approaching the issue unhealthily and aggressively.
Yeah, don't do that. Find or develop reserves of patience. Have compassion for how stressed he is. Perhaps it would help to focus on:
- "I appreciate the fact that he moved here to be with me"
- ""We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s otherwise so attentive, affectionate and well put together before all this started."
- "Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing and I am so glad he was there during those times."
Given that for four years, he's been affectionate and attentive, to be thinking this is the "new normal" after just three weeks seems like possible catastrophizing to me. I understand it's a new job, so there probably is a conversation to have about how to manage this job's stress. But I think he deserves for that conversation to take into account what you know about how supportive and attentive he usually is. It doesn't sound like there's a long-standing imbalance of emotional labor. Every relationship has give and take.
So yeah, just wait until the project is over, remind yourself of how amazing he normally is, and then say something gentle but clear, like "I've really missed you. I knew you had to focus on work, but it was hard for me that your focus was so completely elsewhere." Then after some sharing of feelings move on to "can we talk about strategies for staying connected even during crunch time?"
posted by salvia at 10:47 AM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
BUT I’m the type that speaks up about any issues in the moment and any waiting would build up resentment - resulting in me approaching the issue unhealthily and aggressively.
Yeah, don't do that. Find or develop reserves of patience. Have compassion for how stressed he is. Perhaps it would help to focus on:
- "I appreciate the fact that he moved here to be with me"
- ""We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s otherwise so attentive, affectionate and well put together before all this started."
- "Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing and I am so glad he was there during those times."
Given that for four years, he's been affectionate and attentive, to be thinking this is the "new normal" after just three weeks seems like possible catastrophizing to me. I understand it's a new job, so there probably is a conversation to have about how to manage this job's stress. But I think he deserves for that conversation to take into account what you know about how supportive and attentive he usually is. It doesn't sound like there's a long-standing imbalance of emotional labor. Every relationship has give and take.
So yeah, just wait until the project is over, remind yourself of how amazing he normally is, and then say something gentle but clear, like "I've really missed you. I knew you had to focus on work, but it was hard for me that your focus was so completely elsewhere." Then after some sharing of feelings move on to "can we talk about strategies for staying connected even during crunch time?"
posted by salvia at 10:47 AM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I suggest you reinvent your mornings. Ban any talk of the The Project, carve out an hour or so, get up earlier if necessary. I moved countries (trailing spouse) and I agree with kariebookish that the first few years are really hard.
posted by dhruva at 12:23 PM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by dhruva at 12:23 PM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm also a little puzzled why you didn't get married to solve your visa issues and stay in the UK. You've been together for four years and he's willing to move around the world for you, so your commitment to one another doesn't seem in dispute. Did you prefer to move home and he acquiesced? Even more reason to cut him some slack here.
I would add you have a history of being pretty unreasonable and behaving badly when it comes to your boyfriend. One might even say that your attitude toward him is controlling.
posted by crazy with stars at 1:42 PM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would add you have a history of being pretty unreasonable and behaving badly when it comes to your boyfriend. One might even say that your attitude toward him is controlling.
posted by crazy with stars at 1:42 PM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
The past two weekends he had to work both Saturday and Sunday for 12 hours straight so the project could be delivered on time. The due date is this Friday so it’s pretty much crunch time. ... We’ve been together for 4 years and he’s otherwise so attentive, affectionate and well put together before all this started. He’s just less so lately. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I worry that this is the new normal.
So....after 4 years of being awesome he's had one period of a few weeks of being less awesomely attentive, just after moving to a new and very different country, during a huge crunch deadline for a new job where he's undoubtedly trying hard to impress them so he can keep his visa and stay with you? And despite all that he's still doing his share of the chores, spending time watching TV with you and having sex twice a week throughout this period of insane stress?
Sheesh, give the poor guy a break. That's what it means to be emotionally supportive - expecting less from people when they're going through a tough time, even when it means shouldering a heavier burden than usual. That does NOT mean settling for unequal division of emotional labour forever, it means you both take turns covering for each other when things get hard for one of you. You said, "Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing"....so now it's your turn to be amazing. If he's still being inattentive in a few months, after things settle down, then you can (and should) talk about it.
Given the stresses you describe, he honestly sounds like he's being amazingly considerate of your needs. Have you ever dated someone else going through something like that before? Or even gone through a period of insane stress/workload like that yourself? I have. It is simply not possible to give your partner as much attention as usual when you're working 12+ hour days and you're constantly exhausted and worrying. In the last few months of writing my thesis, I was doing well when I managed to feed myself and get enough sleep to be functional....being an amazing girlfriend was not something I had much energy left for.
posted by randomnity at 2:03 PM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
So....after 4 years of being awesome he's had one period of a few weeks of being less awesomely attentive, just after moving to a new and very different country, during a huge crunch deadline for a new job where he's undoubtedly trying hard to impress them so he can keep his visa and stay with you? And despite all that he's still doing his share of the chores, spending time watching TV with you and having sex twice a week throughout this period of insane stress?
Sheesh, give the poor guy a break. That's what it means to be emotionally supportive - expecting less from people when they're going through a tough time, even when it means shouldering a heavier burden than usual. That does NOT mean settling for unequal division of emotional labour forever, it means you both take turns covering for each other when things get hard for one of you. You said, "Whenever I’ve been through shit he has been amazing"....so now it's your turn to be amazing. If he's still being inattentive in a few months, after things settle down, then you can (and should) talk about it.
Given the stresses you describe, he honestly sounds like he's being amazingly considerate of your needs. Have you ever dated someone else going through something like that before? Or even gone through a period of insane stress/workload like that yourself? I have. It is simply not possible to give your partner as much attention as usual when you're working 12+ hour days and you're constantly exhausted and worrying. In the last few months of writing my thesis, I was doing well when I managed to feed myself and get enough sleep to be functional....being an amazing girlfriend was not something I had much energy left for.
posted by randomnity at 2:03 PM on March 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your advice. I realise now I've been caught up with my own feelings to really see it from his perspective.
That said, they've only been FEELINGS. I haven't said or indicated any of them to him. I have, in my opinion, been as supportive as I can be. I know in the past I've not been the best girlfriend but I've worked hard at changing that through therapy and self-reflection. Which is why I came to you guys before acting on my current misguided emotions.
So yeah, gonna wait till this weekend. Take him to the beach. Then afterwards have a conversation about how we can manage our work-life balance better, and how we can, within our own capacity, be there for each other better.
Thanks again for everything.
posted by milque at 5:40 PM on March 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
That said, they've only been FEELINGS. I haven't said or indicated any of them to him. I have, in my opinion, been as supportive as I can be. I know in the past I've not been the best girlfriend but I've worked hard at changing that through therapy and self-reflection. Which is why I came to you guys before acting on my current misguided emotions.
So yeah, gonna wait till this weekend. Take him to the beach. Then afterwards have a conversation about how we can manage our work-life balance better, and how we can, within our own capacity, be there for each other better.
Thanks again for everything.
posted by milque at 5:40 PM on March 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:07 AM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]