My brain! My relationship! Who will be victorious?

September 19, 2007 7:19 PM

I'm extremely intimidated by my girlfriend, and I'm afraid my resulting weird behaviour is gonna ruin our relationship. Have you been through this? How did you deal with it?

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. Before that we were friends for years, and basically thought each other were the coolest people on the block. We still do, for now, but the fact is I've always been in awe of her, and now I find myself unable to relax when we're together - I'm terrified of screwing up around her, and her love evaporating when she realizes I'm not always everything she thought I was. We all need our downtime, but I find myself expecting myself to be "on" all the time when she's around, and when I'm not, I kick myself for it, feeling like I haven't lived up to her, or my, expectations. I get quiet and decidedly less witty. I make dumb mistakes with simple things.

Our relationship is terrific other than that big glaring issue. She fills a gap in my life that I didn't even know was there before. I make her happier than any other guy has ever made her. I love waking up with her, and she loves it too. We spend our entire weekends together, we've talked about moving in. (I know all this is true. She's said it all, sober AND drunk, with examples, far too many times for it to be a lie) These are new things for both of us. It would be perfect, except for my paralyzing fear that I'll ruin it.

I've talked to her about it before, and she told me I was being ridiculous, and has since made a point of telling me a lot more often that she loves me. But I can't shake this fear.

So. What do you do to convince yourself that someone who says they love you really does love you? How do you relax around someone you want to impress all the time? You've found yourself in the type of relationship you've always thought you'd never get to have, and now that you're there, you're paralyzed by the fear that you'll ruin it. What do you do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

Perhaps you are on the other side of this situation?
posted by Partial Law at 7:34 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you think she only wants a perfect person, you're not giving her very much credit. Your facade is probably less impressive than you think it is - she already knows that you are a doofus sometimes. And yet she stays with you. Why do you suppose that is?
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:49 PM on September 19, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

If you've known her that long she's probably seen you make mistakes, and be less than perfect, many times before. Sounds like there's no need to constantly try to imopress her, to be "on" all the time. Just be yourself. If she really loves you she'll love your mistakes and imperfections too. If you kid yourself that you have to push to be someone you are not, then you'll probably just run into more probelms down the line.
posted by robotot at 7:51 PM on September 19, 2007

She knows who you are. She may even be in awe of you, and feeling the same way, but better at hiding it. Relax. She is with you for a reason. Trust her judgement. She knows who she wants.

I will tell you that I have been on the other side of this, and nothing killed my interest faster than feeling I needed to boost my partner constantly. You've got to get over the fear (I know, easier said than done). If you give her your all and she someday decides she wants someone else, or no longer wants you, there will be no way to stop it anyway.

Like the others said, just be yourself. And again - relax. Enjoy her company, enjoy what you have. Live for the now and let the future take care of itself. It will anyway.
posted by routergirl at 8:16 PM on September 19, 2007

Oh, and you obviously are pretty freaking amazing, if someone that awe inspiring wants you. Right?
posted by routergirl at 8:17 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

You've found yourself in the type of relationship you've always thought you'd never get to have, and now that you're there, you're paralyzed by the fear that you'll ruin it. What do you do?

You seek therapy, especially if you feel 'paralyzed by fear'. She thinks you are good enough for her, but it sounds like you aren't so sure. It is not up to her to assuage your fears, it is up to you. You are living your dream, but you are turning it into a nightmare. You need to learn some coping skills that you probably won't find by asking anonymous questions. Seek help from a professional. There is no shame in it.
posted by Roger Dodger at 8:26 PM on September 19, 2007

Your anxiety seems to be rooted in the idea that you might do something to make her leave you. My suggestion is you play out the "leaving you" possibility in your head and come to grips with the idea that you might not be with this girl forever.

What will happen if she does leave you, for whatever reason? You'll probably be very upset for a long while, but eventually you'll get over it, move on and find someone new. I realize that this may not be a very pleasant thing to visualize at the moment, especially being so in love with the current girl, but the idea is to be secure in the thought of living without her. No, you don't want her to leave, but as much as it would suck if she one day does leave, you'll still be okay. There are many amazing girls out there, girls who are amazing in their own different way.

Also, don't try to impress her, just be yourself! Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you couldn't be yourself around? Or with someone who didn't really like you that much after all? If she doesn't love you for who you are, then you can find another great girl who will.

Don't take these "finding other girl thoughts" too seriously. I'm simply suggesting that you be secure in your ability to meet and attract women, so the idea of losing this one girl you've got now won't be SO horrible that you can't relax around her.
posted by Squee at 8:37 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Did you feel inadequate growing up? Did people in your family hold you to very high standards and make painful criticisms of your shortcomings in painful ways?

What I'm hearing is that you don't believe in you. Finding out why might help, and these problems seem to have a lot do with one's past.

Work on replacing the voice in your head that says, "You're not good enough, you're worthless!" with one that says, "You're good enough, even when you're not perfect."

The bad news is, in time she might start to listen to the first voice about you too. The good news is, you are smart enough to recognize this problem and look into making some improvements.

Good luck!
posted by Rykey at 8:38 PM on September 19, 2007

Screw up. Go ahead, do it. Freak out. Let her deal with it, and notice the way she doesn't leave you over some silly mistake, doesn't hate you forever, and doesn't try and hurt you. Kiss, make up, relax, and be happy.
posted by po at 8:39 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Look, if for some reason the relationship _won't_ work if you're not always "on", fun, or accommodating when you're with her, then you need to find out as soon as possible. If it won't work, the sooner you know, the sooner you can get to the more fun part of your life. If it will work, then you'll be happier the sooner you know.

Do what you need to in order to be less afraid of "if we break up" (even though it will always be truly awful to contemplate), then start testing the relationship. Add a little more reality every few days or so, until you feel that you truly can relax.
posted by amtho at 8:51 PM on September 19, 2007

What do you do to convince yourself that someone who says they love you really does love you?

You accept that it's perfectly OK if they don't love you. You lived X number of years before even knowing this person existed. You would absolutely, definitely survive their loss. It would hurt, yes, but it is survivable.

The need for reassurance is a black hole that can never EVER be filled by someone else. If your core belief is that you're unlovable, or just that this particular person can't love you for who you really are, you have put yourself in a position where it doesn't matter what they say or do, because you won't believe it. They can say I love you every 10 minutes, and you'll wonder why it's not every 9. You will never, ever get the security you seek from her, because it doesn't rest in her - it resides in you.

Think about this: you have a need to be secure in the outcome of the relationship. You need to know that she is going to stay with you. But the only outcome you can independently control is breaking up; she has to agree to stay together. So, it's easier to sabotage the relationship than to take the risk of working at it, because subconsciously you're thinking "at least I know what will happen." The only way out of this loop is to be accepting of either outcome, and to let go of the need for control.
posted by desjardins at 9:07 PM on September 19, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

A short version of what I just said: instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, just go barefoot.
posted by desjardins at 9:09 PM on September 19, 2007

If she doesn't like "off" guy, you're doomed anyway. Might as well find out.
posted by callmejay at 10:40 PM on September 19, 2007

Well, it has only been six months. I'd give it some time. She's probably seen you screw things up before, and she'll see it again. Maybe you guys can both try something that's awesome, but that you'd both inevitably suck at your first go round (uh, trapeze school?), and it'll be a fun cool new bonding experience, and then neither of you have to be perfect and you can do the whole easing into the relationship thing.
posted by universal_qlc at 12:59 AM on September 20, 2007

Squee has very good advice. I've been where you are now and it got so draining. I decided simply NOT to worry and to be myself at all times with her, grumpy, stupid, annoying, childish but also, funny, spontaneous, adventurous, sexy, awesome...and if she left me then, fuck, it, at least I was myself. Happily she loves me and hasn't dumped me yet and I'm happy and relaxed knowing I can screw up or not be "on" all the time. And I think she knows she can do that too, judging by what a pain in the ass she can be on a regular basis.
posted by brautigan at 1:16 AM on September 20, 2007

Maybe once you've had your first fight and then made up,you'll be able to accept that you can be yourself?
posted by happyturtle at 1:23 AM on September 20, 2007

if you love her so much, trust her judgment in her choice of a mate. if she's known you for years, then she knows you a lot better than you think.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:34 AM on September 20, 2007

Give it a few months and you won't be in awe of her either. You sound like you've never really been in love before. As everyone says, if it's really love, your flaws are assets and it's the intimacy of her knowing the real you (and vice versa) that's the basis of whatever shit you're feeling. Until she sees them as impossible obstacles to her happiness, and you hers as well. And then it's on to the next love of your life.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:33 AM on September 20, 2007

gotta relax and be yourself

realize that this mania will become a self fulfilling prophecy
posted by Salvatorparadise at 7:41 AM on September 20, 2007

She may feel and think the same things around you.

Woah Trinity...Woah.

All guys have a little irking insecurity, but you really just have to get over it and act like yourself. You want to be with her because you two are right for each other and accept one another for who they are. You wouldn't want her to love your "facade" right?

And as a previous poster says she already knows what you probably think you're hiding so well. She's done her part of trying to reassure you, so it's best to reassure yourself now so you don't come off as being very insecure.
posted by PetiePal at 8:49 AM on September 20, 2007

Letting someone else define your sense of self worth is suicide.

I'm sure she's a fine girl, but she's not perfect. Neither are you. If she disagrees with either of these, she's delusional and you shouldn't be with her anyhow.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:20 AM on September 20, 2007