I'm not being unreasonable... right?
March 20, 2015 10:48 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend has connections on LinkedIn that I would like him to get rid off. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I?
He's not active on any other social media platforms other than LinkedIn. One day I was going through his connections, looking for a mutual friend I want to get connected with, and there on the list were a bunch of girls who are a) not working in his company, b) not in the same industry, and c) not from some recruitment or headhunting agencies. I asked him about them and he told me he knew them back in university - like years and years ago.
So I asked him to remove them from his connections because I don't want them there. My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable because it's a professional setting and they don't even talk to each other at all. I said then he shouldn't have a problem because they're not even communicating and he's unlikely to leave his industry. We argued a bit more and it was left hanging.
To be honest, the reason I want him to remove them is because he used to be promiscuous back in uni and him having female acquaintances from that time period makes me feel iffy. I don't know if he's hooked up with any of them back in uni, and to be honest I don't care. I just don't want them to have anything to do with him. I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me, but his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with. That's why it's important for me that he cut whatever connection left from that period out of his life now.
Or is that wishful thinking? Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Help me see it from his point of view. He doesn't keep in touch with any of them otherwise, but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
Side note, we're in our late twenties and have been dating for 3 years.
He's not active on any other social media platforms other than LinkedIn. One day I was going through his connections, looking for a mutual friend I want to get connected with, and there on the list were a bunch of girls who are a) not working in his company, b) not in the same industry, and c) not from some recruitment or headhunting agencies. I asked him about them and he told me he knew them back in university - like years and years ago.
So I asked him to remove them from his connections because I don't want them there. My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable because it's a professional setting and they don't even talk to each other at all. I said then he shouldn't have a problem because they're not even communicating and he's unlikely to leave his industry. We argued a bit more and it was left hanging.
To be honest, the reason I want him to remove them is because he used to be promiscuous back in uni and him having female acquaintances from that time period makes me feel iffy. I don't know if he's hooked up with any of them back in uni, and to be honest I don't care. I just don't want them to have anything to do with him. I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me, but his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with. That's why it's important for me that he cut whatever connection left from that period out of his life now.
Or is that wishful thinking? Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Help me see it from his point of view. He doesn't keep in touch with any of them otherwise, but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
Side note, we're in our late twenties and have been dating for 3 years.
Sounds on the weird and controlling side to me.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [94 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 10:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [94 favorites]
With the caveat that I am always somewhat wary of partners trying to restrict each others' social contacts. In this situation, I do think you're being unreasonable. LinkedIn isn't really a social platform as such, so having these women on his connections doesn't particularly encourage or suggest any social contact with them. When you set up a LinkedIn, the default is basically to connect with everybody who's in your email address book who also has a LinkedIn (if I remember rightly, you have to actively tell it not to connect with people you don't want to connect with) so him having them on his list doesn't mean he actively thought of connecting with them necessarily. I say this because you say "them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him" and my experience of LinkedIn suggests that that isn't true.
posted by lwb at 10:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by lwb at 10:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think it's unreasonable, but that he's not willing to, especially if they mean nothing---I don't think he wants to hook up with them or anything, but it seems like he's implying you aren't important enough to get rid of random girls he never talks to for you. Could be a way of communicating how important you are to him.
Also, this kind of thing is usually about much more. Maybe you're feeling out his commitment and this is his reply to you: he's just not going to compromise little things for you or your comfort.
Are you really happy and feeling secure with him. If not, move on. No need to be with a guy who cares more about weird LinkedIn connections than your reasonable/unreasonable needs. Are you sure you really trust him with your heart?
posted by discopolo at 10:56 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, this kind of thing is usually about much more. Maybe you're feeling out his commitment and this is his reply to you: he's just not going to compromise little things for you or your comfort.
Are you really happy and feeling secure with him. If not, move on. No need to be with a guy who cares more about weird LinkedIn connections than your reasonable/unreasonable needs. Are you sure you really trust him with your heart?
posted by discopolo at 10:56 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, you are being unreasonable. His past is a) in the past and b) his past. Does he give you any reason to worry about him now? Does his behaviour demonstrate commitment to you? If the answers are no and yes, drop it. Your insecurity will poison the relationship and make it feel more like a prison to him, and may, paradoxically, create conditions that may lead towards what you fear. (That isn't to say he's latently promiscuous and waiting for the chance to show it. He more than likely grew out of his oat-sowing days, if he does act like a serious partner. He might just leave, is what I'm saying.)
In these times, your social network is the only real security you've got. Anyone can be a connection these days, even if they're not in your field or industry (they might know someone who knows someone).
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
In these times, your social network is the only real security you've got. Anyone can be a connection these days, even if they're not in your field or industry (they might know someone who knows someone).
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
He doesn't keep in touch with any of them otherwise, but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
No it doesn't. Having connections or friends on LinkedIn or Facebook doesn't mean anything in particular. It depends on why the specific people are connected. Often the answer is just that they once went to the same school and they wanted to pad out their connection/friend list. It's especially useful to do that on LinkedIn, since you're limited in who you can message — the more connections you have, the more likely you'll be able to message someone you're not connected to.
You say you "know he's not going to cheat on" you, so that isn't a factor. But your unreasonable, controlling tendencies could make him question whether he wants to continue being in a relationship with you.
You just don't tell your significant other who they are and aren't allowed to have as a LinkedIn connection or a Facebook friend. You don't do it. That is clearly over the line.
posted by John Cohen at 10:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
No it doesn't. Having connections or friends on LinkedIn or Facebook doesn't mean anything in particular. It depends on why the specific people are connected. Often the answer is just that they once went to the same school and they wanted to pad out their connection/friend list. It's especially useful to do that on LinkedIn, since you're limited in who you can message — the more connections you have, the more likely you'll be able to message someone you're not connected to.
You say you "know he's not going to cheat on" you, so that isn't a factor. But your unreasonable, controlling tendencies could make him question whether he wants to continue being in a relationship with you.
You just don't tell your significant other who they are and aren't allowed to have as a LinkedIn connection or a Facebook friend. You don't do it. That is clearly over the line.
posted by John Cohen at 10:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds as though you feel as though if your boyfriend de-links from people he knew back then, he will somehow be disavowing his past behavior. It's symbolic to you.
There are two problems with this line of thinking. First, he can't purge his past from his life. He is the person you love today because of his past; if he hadn't done those things you have a problem with, he would literally not be the same person he is today. Getting rid of these links won't make his past go away, and it's really problematic that you feel the need to make his past go away. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, you can't go through a relationship setting up tests for your partner. You're essentially saying, if you loved me enough you would do this. And the fact that he isn't cutting this connection with his past, in your mind, means that he doesn't care about you enough. That's just not fair, and it's not a good way to have a healthy relationship.
I think you need to think about what it would take for you to accept--and I mean really accept, as in be at peace with and even feel positively about--the facts of your boyfriend's past. Would it take meditation or therapy or talking about it with people you care about or what? And if there's nothing that could make you feel at peace about it, then I think this isn't the right relationship for you. Because if you can't embrace the journey that made him the person he is today, this is always going to be an issue in your life in one way or another, and love alone isn't going to be enough to overcome that. You'll spend the rest of your relationship having some version or another of this fight unless you can find some way to accept who he is.
(Oh, and yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to monitor your boyfriend's LinkedIn contacts list, much less to make specific demands about who he can and can't be linked with.)
posted by decathecting at 11:02 PM on March 20, 2015 [131 favorites]
There are two problems with this line of thinking. First, he can't purge his past from his life. He is the person you love today because of his past; if he hadn't done those things you have a problem with, he would literally not be the same person he is today. Getting rid of these links won't make his past go away, and it's really problematic that you feel the need to make his past go away. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, you can't go through a relationship setting up tests for your partner. You're essentially saying, if you loved me enough you would do this. And the fact that he isn't cutting this connection with his past, in your mind, means that he doesn't care about you enough. That's just not fair, and it's not a good way to have a healthy relationship.
I think you need to think about what it would take for you to accept--and I mean really accept, as in be at peace with and even feel positively about--the facts of your boyfriend's past. Would it take meditation or therapy or talking about it with people you care about or what? And if there's nothing that could make you feel at peace about it, then I think this isn't the right relationship for you. Because if you can't embrace the journey that made him the person he is today, this is always going to be an issue in your life in one way or another, and love alone isn't going to be enough to overcome that. You'll spend the rest of your relationship having some version or another of this fight unless you can find some way to accept who he is.
(Oh, and yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to monitor your boyfriend's LinkedIn contacts list, much less to make specific demands about who he can and can't be linked with.)
posted by decathecting at 11:02 PM on March 20, 2015 [131 favorites]
Also, think about your statement that "he's unlikely to leave his industry" — which you give as a reason for him to avoid friending people who are outside "his industry." It's like you've set the boundaries of where he'll need to go for the rest of his life, and if you don't see any need for him to venture outside those boundaries, then you won't allow it. That's pretty weird and creepy.
posted by John Cohen at 11:03 PM on March 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 11:03 PM on March 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
Also, if you were Miss Perfect, like we all want to be, sure, his past promiscuity wouldn't bother you. But you are bothered. That's okay. You don't have to stay in a relationship where you don't even feel like you can honestly say you don't trust the guy. You are always better single than in a relationship that doesn't feel right, where you're stuck being unreasonable or having people call you insecure or crazy or controlling. You're not in a vacuum--something he's doing is likely provoking this behavior. It just reads to me that there's more going on than just the LinkedIn thing. And you should first and foremost trust your gut, especially when it's telling you that you should cut your losses, instead of making yourself crazy trying to fix the natural insecurity this guy is provoking in you.
posted by discopolo at 11:07 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 11:07 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
You're being incredibly unreasonable and controlling.
Having contacts on LinkedIn does not mean that those people are particularly relevant to your life except in the "gotta catch 'em all" sense of accumulating connections. While some people do purge their social networks of old contacts, most people do not. Indeed, part of LinkedIn's value is discovering weird "wow, so you know so-and-so" type connections that would otherwise go undiscovered.
You seem to be interpreting these contacts on LinkedIn as a sign he is clinging to parts of his past, a past you do not approve of. But LinkedIn contacts are merely a snapshot left behind from having once known a person in some capacity or another. Getting rid of the contacts won't change his past any more than making him delete all his photos would.
But really, you don't get to be your boyfriend's social network police.
posted by zachlipton at 11:13 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Having contacts on LinkedIn does not mean that those people are particularly relevant to your life except in the "gotta catch 'em all" sense of accumulating connections. While some people do purge their social networks of old contacts, most people do not. Indeed, part of LinkedIn's value is discovering weird "wow, so you know so-and-so" type connections that would otherwise go undiscovered.
You seem to be interpreting these contacts on LinkedIn as a sign he is clinging to parts of his past, a past you do not approve of. But LinkedIn contacts are merely a snapshot left behind from having once known a person in some capacity or another. Getting rid of the contacts won't change his past any more than making him delete all his photos would.
But really, you don't get to be your boyfriend's social network police.
posted by zachlipton at 11:13 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
If he really wants to hook up with old girlfriends, doing it through Linked In is about the dumbest thing I can think of. It's just not really any good for that sort of thing.
posted by doctor tough love at 11:17 PM on March 20, 2015 [27 favorites]
posted by doctor tough love at 11:17 PM on March 20, 2015 [27 favorites]
>but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
not really
>don't know if he's hooked up with any of them back in uni, and to be honest I don't care. I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me
^^these
> but his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with. That's why it's important for me that he cut whatever connection left from that period out of his life now. I just don't want them to have anything to do with him.
contradict ^^these
Look, I think it's important you be honest with yourself about how much you trust him. It's not a character defect on your part if it's not 100%, even if you know it's not rational. I think you should either have a conversation with him about how this is still affecting you. Or, if you really suspect it's your problem and not his, therapy might be good (solo or maybe even therapy with him).
The linkedin shit is even less meaningful than facebook, there's not even vacation bikini pictures to cruise or the possibility of personal messages. This is a symptom of some other issues, not the issue itself. On the face of it, your demand is absolutely unreasonable. But you need to resolve why you want him to remove the contacts. Removing them won't do a damn thing in the long run.
posted by hejrat at 11:18 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
not really
>don't know if he's hooked up with any of them back in uni, and to be honest I don't care. I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me
^^these
> but his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with. That's why it's important for me that he cut whatever connection left from that period out of his life now. I just don't want them to have anything to do with him.
contradict ^^these
Look, I think it's important you be honest with yourself about how much you trust him. It's not a character defect on your part if it's not 100%, even if you know it's not rational. I think you should either have a conversation with him about how this is still affecting you. Or, if you really suspect it's your problem and not his, therapy might be good (solo or maybe even therapy with him).
The linkedin shit is even less meaningful than facebook, there's not even vacation bikini pictures to cruise or the possibility of personal messages. This is a symptom of some other issues, not the issue itself. On the face of it, your demand is absolutely unreasonable. But you need to resolve why you want him to remove the contacts. Removing them won't do a damn thing in the long run.
posted by hejrat at 11:18 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
ok ... for a similar situation that I went through ... my girl friend was a bit worried about a linkedin connection ... for approximately similar reasons as yours.
I dropped that connection.
Even though I believed that the request to drop the connection was an unreasonable request, I dropped it.
But, then, I dropped that easily without much of an argument is because it was a small thing that would reassure her and I thought that dropping that was worth the emotional security that it gave my girlfriend.
But, here is the thing. Overall, I was happy with the relationship and, though I knew this was an unreasonable request from her, her happiness was paramount for me. I am okay with doing a few unreasonable things for her BUT I am not going to do all the unreasonable things that she asks for.
And, I think, your boyfriend has refused to drop this because of a similar reason. May be, he believes that you have been making too many unreasonable requests and he has to take a stand.
So,for this particular incident, you are right in thinking that he should just agree with you, but, it seems, in a larger context of overall relationship, anyone would try to balance the number of unreasonable requests they agree to.
there could be two possible scenarios for refusing this particular unreasonable request,
1. Too many unreasonable requests and he wants you to realize that and stop it.
2. If you believe that you have not been making too many unreasonable requests, then may be he is a bit tired of the relationship and this is his way of giving you a hint.
Take your pick.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 11:27 PM on March 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
I dropped that connection.
Even though I believed that the request to drop the connection was an unreasonable request, I dropped it.
But, then, I dropped that easily without much of an argument is because it was a small thing that would reassure her and I thought that dropping that was worth the emotional security that it gave my girlfriend.
But, here is the thing. Overall, I was happy with the relationship and, though I knew this was an unreasonable request from her, her happiness was paramount for me. I am okay with doing a few unreasonable things for her BUT I am not going to do all the unreasonable things that she asks for.
And, I think, your boyfriend has refused to drop this because of a similar reason. May be, he believes that you have been making too many unreasonable requests and he has to take a stand.
So,for this particular incident, you are right in thinking that he should just agree with you, but, it seems, in a larger context of overall relationship, anyone would try to balance the number of unreasonable requests they agree to.
there could be two possible scenarios for refusing this particular unreasonable request,
1. Too many unreasonable requests and he wants you to realize that and stop it.
2. If you believe that you have not been making too many unreasonable requests, then may be he is a bit tired of the relationship and this is his way of giving you a hint.
Take your pick.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 11:27 PM on March 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
yes, you're being unreasonable. networking isn't about knowing exactly why or how someone will get you inroads in the future, it's about maintaining networks so those opportunities can move around like they do - and a big gigantic network for most people is college. you don't know what field your boyfriend or his college buddies will be in down the line. most people change careers - not jobs, but fields - 3 times in their lives. your vague uncomfortableness with his sexual history isn't a good reason to shut down those avenues.
as to they underlying issue - there is compromise and learning to be giving and empathic in all relationships, and you appear to feel like this is one of those situations where he should just do the thing you need to make you comfortable...except, he can't solve your jealousy by cutting off old friends or any other hoops you set up for him to prove his faithfulness. this is an issue that you're having internally that likely doesn't have much to do with him - or he's a dirtbag and you're feeling uneasy for a reason. either way, you are totally allowed to be in the relationship you want to be in. i promise you there are guys who feel like you do - that the past is the past and there should be no spilling over into the present or future - but it's not really ok to tell someone else how they should structure their social circles, it's much better to find someone who agrees with your ethos from go.
posted by nadawi at 11:37 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
as to they underlying issue - there is compromise and learning to be giving and empathic in all relationships, and you appear to feel like this is one of those situations where he should just do the thing you need to make you comfortable...except, he can't solve your jealousy by cutting off old friends or any other hoops you set up for him to prove his faithfulness. this is an issue that you're having internally that likely doesn't have much to do with him - or he's a dirtbag and you're feeling uneasy for a reason. either way, you are totally allowed to be in the relationship you want to be in. i promise you there are guys who feel like you do - that the past is the past and there should be no spilling over into the present or future - but it's not really ok to tell someone else how they should structure their social circles, it's much better to find someone who agrees with your ethos from go.
posted by nadawi at 11:37 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I did not think you were entirely unreasonable given your reasons that some of these women were likely ex-hook-ups -- but for some reason I am in the VAST minority. Hmm.
I guess the problem is no one knows who he was linked with (yeah, I did that) and who he just knows.
Overall, I think it sucks ass that all of these past connections are female and from before you started dating -- no men in the same category??
Only you know. You've seen his LinkedIn. Either you are only picking out female connections, or there are only female connections from his university days....
So which is it?
There lies your answer of if you are being unreasonable or not.
posted by jbenben at 11:38 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
I guess the problem is no one knows who he was linked with (yeah, I did that) and who he just knows.
Overall, I think it sucks ass that all of these past connections are female and from before you started dating -- no men in the same category??
Only you know. You've seen his LinkedIn. Either you are only picking out female connections, or there are only female connections from his university days....
So which is it?
There lies your answer of if you are being unreasonable or not.
posted by jbenben at 11:38 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
I don't know if he's hooked up with any of them back in uni, and to be honest I don't care. I just don't want them to have anything to do with him.
These sentences are contradictory.
The basis of this problem is your insecurity. Maybe it is justified, maybe it isn't - based on your description I think it is not justified. Even if it is justified, you can't make him not cheat on you. Only he can make him not cheat on you.
I also think it is very worth you figuring out where this is coming from and finding productive ways to address it. If you don't, this is the basis for much crazymaking in your future. You gotta either trust him or you gotta dump him - there is nothing you can do to make someone you don't trust into someone you can trust. It's all on them.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:46 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
These sentences are contradictory.
The basis of this problem is your insecurity. Maybe it is justified, maybe it isn't - based on your description I think it is not justified. Even if it is justified, you can't make him not cheat on you. Only he can make him not cheat on you.
I also think it is very worth you figuring out where this is coming from and finding productive ways to address it. If you don't, this is the basis for much crazymaking in your future. You gotta either trust him or you gotta dump him - there is nothing you can do to make someone you don't trust into someone you can trust. It's all on them.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:46 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is unreasonable. You don't get to control his past behavior. Furthermore, it doesn't matter if these people are in his industry or not...it's networking. In five years this guy may start a new business or hobby and want help from people outside his industry. Having contacts outside of my industry is most of the reason I maintain a LinkedIn profile.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 11:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 11:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with
That sucks for him, because it's pretty irrelevant to your relationship. I would personally not want to be judged by my partner for things I did before I knew him. If this is a problem, you need to learn to deal with it and accept it silently - or you need to leave him. He can't change what he did in the past.
I get it - I do. It's hard when we are vulnerable and when our partners have pasts. But their pasts are kind of not our business. He opened up to you and told you about his past. That takes courage. Don't use that intimacy as a weapon or as a way to control him.
I read the book How to be an Adult in Relationships and one of the most important things we do as partners is we allow the other people to be. Allowance is incredible. It is an important cornerstone of stability. Letting someone else just be is so important. Giving someone we love freedom and autonomy and allowing them and accepting them - this is real love. Love is accepting someone for who they are, allowance to be themselves, appreciation for them as autonomous individuals... I think that book might be a good read for you, if you can get past some of the weird woo stuff.
I am in a relationship now that has a lot of allowance. I can't tell you how much I used to struggle with similar issues and how little I care about them now, because I am in a really good relationship that adheres to the cornerstones described in Richo's book. My boyfriend accepts me for me, allows me to be myself, appreciates me for who I am, shows me affection, and he pays attention to me. He might not love everything I do - I had coffee with a male friend that he really dislikes recently one on one - but he didn't ever make any noise about it. He trusts me and accepts me and gives me allowance to make my own choices. And I had coffee with this guy and I gave him tips about his job hunt and it was professional and fine and my boyfriend acted like it was nothing. Because it was nothing, and he trusts my judgment.
Let him be. You have no reason not to trust him. This is not about those women. This is about you. Why do you feel the need to control your boyfriend and his social network? What's going on there? Where do you think your discomfort over his past is coming from? Obviously I don't expect you to answer those questions here, but some thought on them might be very helpful and eye-opening for you.
Good luck.
posted by sockermom at 11:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [31 favorites]
That sucks for him, because it's pretty irrelevant to your relationship. I would personally not want to be judged by my partner for things I did before I knew him. If this is a problem, you need to learn to deal with it and accept it silently - or you need to leave him. He can't change what he did in the past.
I get it - I do. It's hard when we are vulnerable and when our partners have pasts. But their pasts are kind of not our business. He opened up to you and told you about his past. That takes courage. Don't use that intimacy as a weapon or as a way to control him.
I read the book How to be an Adult in Relationships and one of the most important things we do as partners is we allow the other people to be. Allowance is incredible. It is an important cornerstone of stability. Letting someone else just be is so important. Giving someone we love freedom and autonomy and allowing them and accepting them - this is real love. Love is accepting someone for who they are, allowance to be themselves, appreciation for them as autonomous individuals... I think that book might be a good read for you, if you can get past some of the weird woo stuff.
I am in a relationship now that has a lot of allowance. I can't tell you how much I used to struggle with similar issues and how little I care about them now, because I am in a really good relationship that adheres to the cornerstones described in Richo's book. My boyfriend accepts me for me, allows me to be myself, appreciates me for who I am, shows me affection, and he pays attention to me. He might not love everything I do - I had coffee with a male friend that he really dislikes recently one on one - but he didn't ever make any noise about it. He trusts me and accepts me and gives me allowance to make my own choices. And I had coffee with this guy and I gave him tips about his job hunt and it was professional and fine and my boyfriend acted like it was nothing. Because it was nothing, and he trusts my judgment.
Let him be. You have no reason not to trust him. This is not about those women. This is about you. Why do you feel the need to control your boyfriend and his social network? What's going on there? Where do you think your discomfort over his past is coming from? Obviously I don't expect you to answer those questions here, but some thought on them might be very helpful and eye-opening for you.
Good luck.
posted by sockermom at 11:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [31 favorites]
You're being unreasonable. The only way that people he slept with (or didn't) prior to you is if there are any health concerns.
Trust him or don't.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Trust him or don't.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
If I began to control my girlfriend's contacts on social media we'd have a problem. If my girlfriend started to comment on my LinkedIn connections, we'd have a problem.
Unless something is going on that openly doesn't mesh with how the two of you relate to each other, you really shouldn't have any views, sorry. It's not ok.
posted by Namlit at 1:38 AM on March 21, 2015
Unless something is going on that openly doesn't mesh with how the two of you relate to each other, you really shouldn't have any views, sorry. It's not ok.
posted by Namlit at 1:38 AM on March 21, 2015
"I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me, but his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with."
This is an oxymoronic statement. You do not trust him and you are not confident that he's going to be faithful- otherwise you wouldn't have a problem with his past promiscuity and wouldn't be asking this of him. The first step to healing your insecurities is to acknowledge them.
I get the feeling from your post that you yourself don't have a Linkedin account. I mean- it's not really a social media platform the way twitter or facebook is. So I really wouldn't worry about him striking up innappropriate friendships through Linkedin. If you truly have reason to believe he would do this then it's better to just drop him than to tell him not to make connections on a resume site.
It's very cool of you to at least ask this question because it means you're willing to self question put in some self reflection. And the answer is- yeah it's unreasonable. :) Good luck.
posted by manderin at 1:48 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is an oxymoronic statement. You do not trust him and you are not confident that he's going to be faithful- otherwise you wouldn't have a problem with his past promiscuity and wouldn't be asking this of him. The first step to healing your insecurities is to acknowledge them.
I get the feeling from your post that you yourself don't have a Linkedin account. I mean- it's not really a social media platform the way twitter or facebook is. So I really wouldn't worry about him striking up innappropriate friendships through Linkedin. If you truly have reason to believe he would do this then it's better to just drop him than to tell him not to make connections on a resume site.
It's very cool of you to at least ask this question because it means you're willing to self question put in some self reflection. And the answer is- yeah it's unreasonable. :) Good luck.
posted by manderin at 1:48 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Help me see it from his point of view.
Sure.
So, my girlfriend spied on me and now she wants to control who I do and don't talk to because I did perfectly reasonable and legal things entirely in accord with societal norms up to a decade before I even met her.
I don't do the things now, not that there was anything remotely wrong with the things at the time I did them. She believes that clicking a button on the Internet would prevent me from doing the things again, were I so inclined, which she says I'm not, while also simultaneously suggesting that I might, before suggesting that none of that matters because the fact I did the things in the first place is enough.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:18 AM on March 21, 2015 [51 favorites]
Sure.
So, my girlfriend spied on me and now she wants to control who I do and don't talk to because I did perfectly reasonable and legal things entirely in accord with societal norms up to a decade before I even met her.
I don't do the things now, not that there was anything remotely wrong with the things at the time I did them. She believes that clicking a button on the Internet would prevent me from doing the things again, were I so inclined, which she says I'm not, while also simultaneously suggesting that I might, before suggesting that none of that matters because the fact I did the things in the first place is enough.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:18 AM on March 21, 2015 [51 favorites]
Yes, totally unreasonable.
Your boyfriend is who he is in all his parts, including a promiscuous past. It'd be one thing if he was using linked-in to hook up with women, but like someone pointed out - who does this??
You need to drop this.
posted by Toddles at 3:50 AM on March 21, 2015
Your boyfriend is who he is in all his parts, including a promiscuous past. It'd be one thing if he was using linked-in to hook up with women, but like someone pointed out - who does this??
You need to drop this.
posted by Toddles at 3:50 AM on March 21, 2015
You are being unreasonable.
I am friends on facebook (a social social media!) with a number of guys I have had actual confirmed sex with (not just assumptions! not just from one specific time period!) who I even interact with from time to time (more than just a nominal contact!) and I would find it unreasonable and an enormous red flag for a boyfriend to tell me to unfriend them on facebook.
There's a level of abstraction here in your case that makes this not only unreasonable but also a pretty bizarre request, especially after three years together.
I'm going to be completely honest. If I were dating you and you dug your heels in about this and brought it up repeatedly, I would dump you.
posted by phunniemee at 3:52 AM on March 21, 2015 [32 favorites]
I am friends on facebook (a social social media!) with a number of guys I have had actual confirmed sex with (not just assumptions! not just from one specific time period!) who I even interact with from time to time (more than just a nominal contact!) and I would find it unreasonable and an enormous red flag for a boyfriend to tell me to unfriend them on facebook.
There's a level of abstraction here in your case that makes this not only unreasonable but also a pretty bizarre request, especially after three years together.
I'm going to be completely honest. If I were dating you and you dug your heels in about this and brought it up repeatedly, I would dump you.
posted by phunniemee at 3:52 AM on March 21, 2015 [32 favorites]
I think it is unreasonable. My only real social media account that I do have is LinkedIn. I have a whole bunch of guys I went to university with - I haven't spoken to any of them for years, but it good to occasionally see an update on what they are up to.
I would think it was super weird if someone asked me to unlink them and I would be inclined to not be as open about any contact I happened to have with them or other people that I thought you might disapprove of.. I would wonder if this was a slippery slope of things that you wanted to control about my life.
If this was a new relationship, I'd be thinking of dumping you if you kept this up. If you have been doing this sort of thing for three years, maybe he has decided to make a stand of sorts.
posted by AnnaRat at 4:02 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would think it was super weird if someone asked me to unlink them and I would be inclined to not be as open about any contact I happened to have with them or other people that I thought you might disapprove of.. I would wonder if this was a slippery slope of things that you wanted to control about my life.
If this was a new relationship, I'd be thinking of dumping you if you kept this up. If you have been doing this sort of thing for three years, maybe he has decided to make a stand of sorts.
posted by AnnaRat at 4:02 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everyone has covered the "it's unreasonable" angle. So I will just chip in that if my husband, who I have been with for more than fifteen years, started trying to deliberately damage my career, purely out of jealousy, I would see that as such a huge red flag that I would consider divorce. Practically no backpedalling from him would be able to undo the damage to my trust.
In his place I would be really worried about how you might escalate in the future if I caved in on deleting my LinkedIn contacts. There are plenty of stereotypes about bunny-boiler girlfriends turning up outside the office and causing a scene, or emailing female colleagues to 'warn them off'. For that reason there is no way I would delete a single contact, in fact I would probably link to a few more just to make the point. This behaviour is not going to get you the result you want.
posted by tinkletown at 4:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
In his place I would be really worried about how you might escalate in the future if I caved in on deleting my LinkedIn contacts. There are plenty of stereotypes about bunny-boiler girlfriends turning up outside the office and causing a scene, or emailing female colleagues to 'warn them off'. For that reason there is no way I would delete a single contact, in fact I would probably link to a few more just to make the point. This behaviour is not going to get you the result you want.
posted by tinkletown at 4:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
The core issue here may not be about LinkedIn at all, or the risk of his infidelity, but about your fundamental discomfort with that period of "promiscuity" in his life. It seems like one of two things might be happening:
1. You judge him (poorly) for having had made what you consider bad choices in his sex life -- too many partners, or too casually, or with women you don't respect, etc.. You view it as a significant character flaw on his part, and although you've been trying to ignore or move past it, the truth is that you look down on him for it. You consider your own past behavior and choices superior to his, and theirs, and there's nothing (at the moment and/or on your own) that will change about that.
2. You worry that you or your current life together isn't as fun/wild/sexy/exciting/satisfying to him as his promiscuous days at uni -- that even just seeing these women's names might make him remember how much fun he had when he was unattached and uninhibited and his partners were more [fill in the blank] than you are. Seeing them makes you think of that. What you fear isn't that he'll cheat on you, it's that he'll end the relationship with you (or wish he had).
If it's #1, then your request is especially out of line because you're trying to be punitive about his past "sins." You think he SHOULD feel guilty about His Past. It's reasonable for him to stand up to this. If it's #2, then your request is especially out of line because the real issue at hand isn't him (or them), it's you, and your anxiety/insecurity in the relationship. It's reasonable that he doesn't understand this.
In either case, I think this is a really valuable opportunity for you both to work together, digging down a little deeper to learn more about where you stand in each other's eyes right now, three years in -- for you in particular to get in touch with your (obviously strong) feelings that are underneath the social media etiquette question. It'd help if you could articulate yourself and to him why you "don't want them there," reasons beyond just expressing that deleting them is a gesture you want him to do for you. Whatever is under the surface here will bubble up again (and again) regardless of how you two resolve the LinkedIn question, and maybe this can be the catalyst of some really meaningful conversations.
posted by argonauta at 5:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
1. You judge him (poorly) for having had made what you consider bad choices in his sex life -- too many partners, or too casually, or with women you don't respect, etc.. You view it as a significant character flaw on his part, and although you've been trying to ignore or move past it, the truth is that you look down on him for it. You consider your own past behavior and choices superior to his, and theirs, and there's nothing (at the moment and/or on your own) that will change about that.
2. You worry that you or your current life together isn't as fun/wild/sexy/exciting/satisfying to him as his promiscuous days at uni -- that even just seeing these women's names might make him remember how much fun he had when he was unattached and uninhibited and his partners were more [fill in the blank] than you are. Seeing them makes you think of that. What you fear isn't that he'll cheat on you, it's that he'll end the relationship with you (or wish he had).
If it's #1, then your request is especially out of line because you're trying to be punitive about his past "sins." You think he SHOULD feel guilty about His Past. It's reasonable for him to stand up to this. If it's #2, then your request is especially out of line because the real issue at hand isn't him (or them), it's you, and your anxiety/insecurity in the relationship. It's reasonable that he doesn't understand this.
In either case, I think this is a really valuable opportunity for you both to work together, digging down a little deeper to learn more about where you stand in each other's eyes right now, three years in -- for you in particular to get in touch with your (obviously strong) feelings that are underneath the social media etiquette question. It'd help if you could articulate yourself and to him why you "don't want them there," reasons beyond just expressing that deleting them is a gesture you want him to do for you. Whatever is under the surface here will bubble up again (and again) regardless of how you two resolve the LinkedIn question, and maybe this can be the catalyst of some really meaningful conversations.
posted by argonauta at 5:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Fot perspective: several exes who have unfriended me on Facebook have not bothered to disconnect from me on LinkedIn.
posted by ecsh at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ecsh at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
On another LinkedIn point -- sure, these women might not be in his field now, but they could move into another field later. (I just noticed that someone I was friends with in high school has moved from a completely unrelated field into a field that is very relevant to mine. It happens.) Also, depending on what your boyfriend does, these women could potentially work for companies that could use his company's services.
I think the more important question, as people have noted above, is: why did you feel the need to monitor your boyfriend on LinkedIn?
posted by pie ninja at 6:13 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the more important question, as people have noted above, is: why did you feel the need to monitor your boyfriend on LinkedIn?
posted by pie ninja at 6:13 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the more important question, as people have noted above, is: why did you feel the need to monitor your boyfriend on LinkedIn?
Yeah, I know you said you were looking for something specific when you went through his contacts, but why did you not just ask him? If my partner went through my social media stuff and then started making demands about it, I would feel 1) Whoa, I need more privacy and space than this and 2) What have I done in the rest of our lives to make you not trust me?
I'm not assuming you looked at his contacts thinking, "I think I'll snoop on my boyfriend today" but this is how a lot of stories about discovering infidelity start, with a fairly logical reason for looking through the other person's stuff but most of the time it was nevertheless avoidable. People take a lot of heat on Askme for snooping, but the thing is, a lot of them have come here having discovered something, serious or not. So I guess one question is, do you trust your boyfriend enough to say you won't look through his stuff in the future? If not, you have a bigger problem, either with his actions or your own trust issues or both.
posted by BibiRose at 6:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I know you said you were looking for something specific when you went through his contacts, but why did you not just ask him? If my partner went through my social media stuff and then started making demands about it, I would feel 1) Whoa, I need more privacy and space than this and 2) What have I done in the rest of our lives to make you not trust me?
I'm not assuming you looked at his contacts thinking, "I think I'll snoop on my boyfriend today" but this is how a lot of stories about discovering infidelity start, with a fairly logical reason for looking through the other person's stuff but most of the time it was nevertheless avoidable. People take a lot of heat on Askme for snooping, but the thing is, a lot of them have come here having discovered something, serious or not. So I guess one question is, do you trust your boyfriend enough to say you won't look through his stuff in the future? If not, you have a bigger problem, either with his actions or your own trust issues or both.
posted by BibiRose at 6:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
A guy still being friends with women he was sexually involved with in college is actually a green flag, not a red one. It means he finds worth in them outside of their sexual availability to him, and that they found him worth keeping up with even after they broke up.
That said, being connected on LinkedIn is not being friends. It's a professional courtesy many acquaintances afford each other out of good will for the sake of shared networking possibilities. You're asking him to take an action that could have a negative professional impact, on the basis of your jealousy of women he doesn't even know anymore and hasn't for years.
Yes, that is weird and unreasonable. And if he were posting here instead of you, most people would be telling him your actions were a huge red flag and he should consider dating someone who would trust him instead.
posted by kythuen at 7:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
That said, being connected on LinkedIn is not being friends. It's a professional courtesy many acquaintances afford each other out of good will for the sake of shared networking possibilities. You're asking him to take an action that could have a negative professional impact, on the basis of your jealousy of women he doesn't even know anymore and hasn't for years.
Yes, that is weird and unreasonable. And if he were posting here instead of you, most people would be telling him your actions were a huge red flag and he should consider dating someone who would trust him instead.
posted by kythuen at 7:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
I'm a little different from most Mefites in that, if my husband were, say, frequently commenting on the profile of a woman he once slept with on facebook and I noticed I'd probably tell him to cut that shit out. Even if it's not bad behavior, it sends a negative message to onlookers and the other woman.
I wouldn't ask him to unfriend anyone though, and certainly not on linkedin. Your behavior is out of bounds and irrational. Linkedin is known for sending requests to everyone in someone's address book.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't ask him to unfriend anyone though, and certainly not on linkedin. Your behavior is out of bounds and irrational. Linkedin is known for sending requests to everyone in someone's address book.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
You're just super wrong about this. You can't know that he will never want a new job, or to develop business in his current role that involves people outside his field. You can't know that he will never want to help a friend get a job or network in a field other than his own. That is what professional networks are for. That is what LinkedIn is for.
I'm not going to touch on your emotional insecurities about this. I think other people in this thread are better equipped. But if he's a cheater, that's the problem, and getting rid of LinkedIn connections won't help. And if he's not a cheater and you trust him, then your own hang-up is the issue.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:25 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not going to touch on your emotional insecurities about this. I think other people in this thread are better equipped. But if he's a cheater, that's the problem, and getting rid of LinkedIn connections won't help. And if he's not a cheater and you trust him, then your own hang-up is the issue.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:25 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Asking him to delete those connections is treating the symptom, not the problem. And that means when something else will come up (eg he goes to a college reunion) you'll have to deal with these intense, visceral feelings again. And that'll suck for you, you deserve to not feel that way. This is a problem for you to deal with yourself.
Help me see it from his point of view. He doesn't keep in touch with any of them otherwise, but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
I have connections with people I don't ever expect to talk to again because it's nice to occasionally see what they're up to, if they got a new job, etc.
posted by JackBurden at 8:32 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Help me see it from his point of view. He doesn't keep in touch with any of them otherwise, but them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
I have connections with people I don't ever expect to talk to again because it's nice to occasionally see what they're up to, if they got a new job, etc.
posted by JackBurden at 8:32 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Part of the advantage of disparate connections on linkedin is that if one of those women has a connection who IS in your partner's industry searching for someone to hire for an amazing job, your partner will algorithm better than a completely unconnected stranger. The whole point is to make as many connections as you can.
The only person with a problem here is you, and if you're going to melt down over the world's most dull social media site, it is eventually going to end your relationship. You might want to take this as a sign that it's time to deal with your anxiety over his past, either through any of the traditional routes for dealing with anxiety or by ending the relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only person with a problem here is you, and if you're going to melt down over the world's most dull social media site, it is eventually going to end your relationship. You might want to take this as a sign that it's time to deal with your anxiety over his past, either through any of the traditional routes for dealing with anxiety or by ending the relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I understand why seeing these connections triggers something for you-- insecurity, a reminder that he has slept with more people than it seems you'd prefer, a suspicion that he is cheating or will cheat.
But getting rid of a LinkedIn connection won't address any of the above issues, unfortunately.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about a partner's social media use. It's such a big part of our lives, and yes, many people in relationships do things they oughtn't via social media. However, if you are at the point where you feel the need to 1) monitor him and 2) control who he's added without evidence they're even in contact at all, then the problem is not a social media problem. It's a trust problem.
I do think it's unreasonable to ask him to get rid of these connections in this case, however. LinkedIn is not even really social (no liking sexy selfies like on Instagram or bantering flirtily all day like on twitter); it looks good professionally to have many contacts across fields on LinkedIn. (Also, some people request/add anyone they remotely know so it is pretty common to have contacts you never contact.)
I think you're going to have to do the harder work of addressing what is really bothering you. Even if asking him to get rid of these women online were reasonable, it wouldn't then turn him into a person you entirely trust.
posted by kapers at 10:17 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
But getting rid of a LinkedIn connection won't address any of the above issues, unfortunately.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about a partner's social media use. It's such a big part of our lives, and yes, many people in relationships do things they oughtn't via social media. However, if you are at the point where you feel the need to 1) monitor him and 2) control who he's added without evidence they're even in contact at all, then the problem is not a social media problem. It's a trust problem.
I do think it's unreasonable to ask him to get rid of these connections in this case, however. LinkedIn is not even really social (no liking sexy selfies like on Instagram or bantering flirtily all day like on twitter); it looks good professionally to have many contacts across fields on LinkedIn. (Also, some people request/add anyone they remotely know so it is pretty common to have contacts you never contact.)
I think you're going to have to do the harder work of addressing what is really bothering you. Even if asking him to get rid of these women online were reasonable, it wouldn't then turn him into a person you entirely trust.
posted by kapers at 10:17 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Upon re-reading the question, I'm curious what you mean by "a bunch of girls." Like, 10 college friends and most of them are women? That doesn't strike me as odd at all.
Or are the vast majority of his contacts women he's hooked up with who have nothing to do with his career? That would concern me. But, getting rid of these connections would not address the concern for me.
posted by kapers at 10:31 AM on March 21, 2015
Or are the vast majority of his contacts women he's hooked up with who have nothing to do with his career? That would concern me. But, getting rid of these connections would not address the concern for me.
posted by kapers at 10:31 AM on March 21, 2015
them being on that list means that they are still somewhat relevant to him.
Hardly. I just checked my own LinkedIn profile... I've changed industries a couple of times in my career and I have a hard time recognizing some of the names on my "friends" list now. But I'm not deleting them, because who knows? Someday this tenuous connection might be useful -- what if I apply for work somewhere someday and one of them is the hiring manager and they look me up and see that we're connected on LinkedIn? Blammo, it just got a little easier for me to at least get an interview. That's how networking works. Most of the people I'm connected to on LinkedIn have zero relevance to my day-to-day life, but removing this small social connection could have detrimental affects on my career prospects. If a partner asked me to sever these contacts because of an insecurity on their part, and took my refusal as some sort of sign of infidelity, I'd be very seriously considering ending the relationship. This is not a reasonable request.
posted by palomar at 12:07 PM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Hardly. I just checked my own LinkedIn profile... I've changed industries a couple of times in my career and I have a hard time recognizing some of the names on my "friends" list now. But I'm not deleting them, because who knows? Someday this tenuous connection might be useful -- what if I apply for work somewhere someday and one of them is the hiring manager and they look me up and see that we're connected on LinkedIn? Blammo, it just got a little easier for me to at least get an interview. That's how networking works. Most of the people I'm connected to on LinkedIn have zero relevance to my day-to-day life, but removing this small social connection could have detrimental affects on my career prospects. If a partner asked me to sever these contacts because of an insecurity on their part, and took my refusal as some sort of sign of infidelity, I'd be very seriously considering ending the relationship. This is not a reasonable request.
posted by palomar at 12:07 PM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Because of the timeline, I'm assuming this guy is the one in your previous question from a year and a half ago. What happened when you went to therapy to address your anger and drinking issues? If you have since stopped therapy, maybe you could go back and discuss this current situation.
I am bringing up your previous question not to embarrass you, but rather because this issue sounds related: anxiety, trying to control your boyfriend so he does what you want regardless of his needs or feelings, getting upset when he sets and maintains boundaries. This isn't the path to a happy long term relationship, whether with this guy or someone else. Or even a good relationship with yourself, if you do break up and choose to stay single.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:12 PM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am bringing up your previous question not to embarrass you, but rather because this issue sounds related: anxiety, trying to control your boyfriend so he does what you want regardless of his needs or feelings, getting upset when he sets and maintains boundaries. This isn't the path to a happy long term relationship, whether with this guy or someone else. Or even a good relationship with yourself, if you do break up and choose to stay single.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:12 PM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
That's why it's important for me that he cut whatever connection left from that period out of his life now.
Whoa. Helllllllllllllllllllllll no. The only way this would be appropriate is if "that period of his life" was "that time he was in the Mafia" or "that time he was shooting heroin on a daily basis." Then, sure, I could see it being a dealbreaker for you if he was stubbornly insisting on keeping reminders around.
But just personally, I would dump anyone who said that to me about people I *might conceivably, but who knows* have hooked up with *a decade ago*. I would dump that person so fast his head would spin.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:21 PM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Whoa. Helllllllllllllllllllllll no. The only way this would be appropriate is if "that period of his life" was "that time he was in the Mafia" or "that time he was shooting heroin on a daily basis." Then, sure, I could see it being a dealbreaker for you if he was stubbornly insisting on keeping reminders around.
But just personally, I would dump anyone who said that to me about people I *might conceivably, but who knows* have hooked up with *a decade ago*. I would dump that person so fast his head would spin.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:21 PM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
and there on the list were a bunch of girls who are a) not working in his company, b) not in the same industry, and c) not from some recruitment or headhunting agencies.
Yes, this is part of how a good, useful network works. You know a horizontal slice of people that cuts through as many companies, industries and areas as possible. That way when you need something unusual, chances are you know someone (who knows you) who can hook you up outside the normal tedious process. That's how the world works.
Made-up example: having trouble getting a passport. Hey, turns out I have an old work acquaintance who now works at State who might be willing to do me a one-off favor, or at least explain what my next move is.
Doesn't mean I want to hang out or be best friends or sleep together. It's just a list of those connections.
posted by ctmf at 3:07 PM on March 21, 2015
Yes, this is part of how a good, useful network works. You know a horizontal slice of people that cuts through as many companies, industries and areas as possible. That way when you need something unusual, chances are you know someone (who knows you) who can hook you up outside the normal tedious process. That's how the world works.
Made-up example: having trouble getting a passport. Hey, turns out I have an old work acquaintance who now works at State who might be willing to do me a one-off favor, or at least explain what my next move is.
Doesn't mean I want to hang out or be best friends or sleep together. It's just a list of those connections.
posted by ctmf at 3:07 PM on March 21, 2015
his past promiscuity is something I kinda do have a problem with
I'm happy you're getting a lot of pushback on this, because when a straight man says this about a woman they get demolished. And rightfully so.
What does that have to do with how he is now? Has he done anything to demonstrate that he's not a committed partner?
If an offline friend of mine brought this up to me and asked me what i thought, i'd say it was somewhere between controlling and abusive. I'm completely serious. I've never known anyone, nor been in a situation where this kind of demand came up where it wasn't comingling with a lot of other awful controlling behavior, unreasonable expectations, suspiciousness, etc.
This is a very bad quadrant of behavior you're stumbling in to here, and you're doing an awful lot of mental gymnastics to justify it. A lot of your stated logic contradicts itself, as others have said. You need to back off here, and if you can't get over it you probably shouldn't be together.
posted by emptythought at 3:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm happy you're getting a lot of pushback on this, because when a straight man says this about a woman they get demolished. And rightfully so.
What does that have to do with how he is now? Has he done anything to demonstrate that he's not a committed partner?
If an offline friend of mine brought this up to me and asked me what i thought, i'd say it was somewhere between controlling and abusive. I'm completely serious. I've never known anyone, nor been in a situation where this kind of demand came up where it wasn't comingling with a lot of other awful controlling behavior, unreasonable expectations, suspiciousness, etc.
This is a very bad quadrant of behavior you're stumbling in to here, and you're doing an awful lot of mental gymnastics to justify it. A lot of your stated logic contradicts itself, as others have said. You need to back off here, and if you can't get over it you probably shouldn't be together.
posted by emptythought at 3:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
I generally think it's wrong for someone's significant other to say anything about their loved one's social media connections. But let's leave general social media aside.
This is LinkedIn, which is less like a cocktail party (Twitter) or a high school reunion (Facebook) and more like a Rolodex. The people you knew in the past (in whatever capacity) are sources of career contacts, life advice and connections, not just for you, but for all of the other people you know. I've helped connect dozens of people I knew in college, graduate school, my prior career and my current one. Every person I've ever worked for or who has ever worked for me, and every person I've ever *dated* is linked to me on LinkedIn (granted, I wasn't much of a wild person, and was friends or colleagues with the person before and after); even my former fiancé is linked to me, and that connection helped another connection get a media interview she really needed.
LinkedIn isn't Tinder! But even if it were, you're not saying, "I realize it's your life and you can stay connected with anyone you want, but I'm really uncomfortable that you're still "Linked" to this one person you never got over, or the person with whom you got arrested/drunk/high, or the person who stole my wallet. But to ask him to disavow knowing every woman with whom he had an intimate past, particularly before your relationship? I'm a woman, but if a guy asked me to do that, I'd feel completely suffocated and unacceptable controlled. You can't erase someone's past to soothe your discomfort with them having one, and you either trust that he'll be loyal to you or you don't, but being linked on LI isn't going to tempt anyone into sexual depravity.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:46 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is LinkedIn, which is less like a cocktail party (Twitter) or a high school reunion (Facebook) and more like a Rolodex. The people you knew in the past (in whatever capacity) are sources of career contacts, life advice and connections, not just for you, but for all of the other people you know. I've helped connect dozens of people I knew in college, graduate school, my prior career and my current one. Every person I've ever worked for or who has ever worked for me, and every person I've ever *dated* is linked to me on LinkedIn (granted, I wasn't much of a wild person, and was friends or colleagues with the person before and after); even my former fiancé is linked to me, and that connection helped another connection get a media interview she really needed.
LinkedIn isn't Tinder! But even if it were, you're not saying, "I realize it's your life and you can stay connected with anyone you want, but I'm really uncomfortable that you're still "Linked" to this one person you never got over, or the person with whom you got arrested/drunk/high, or the person who stole my wallet. But to ask him to disavow knowing every woman with whom he had an intimate past, particularly before your relationship? I'm a woman, but if a guy asked me to do that, I'd feel completely suffocated and unacceptable controlled. You can't erase someone's past to soothe your discomfort with them having one, and you either trust that he'll be loyal to you or you don't, but being linked on LI isn't going to tempt anyone into sexual depravity.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:46 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
LinkedIn is an entirely different form of social media than Facebook, Twitter, & what have you. It's about professional connections & job opportunities. The more connections/friends you have, the more visible you are. That whole degrees of separation thing is a significant component. If your boyfriend ever wants to move up in the professional world, change jobs, or develop an entirely different career, these connections can be essential, but it's hard to know in advance who might be the person who matters. For many people, that includes people from high school & university that they are actually not in touch with on a regular basis. Yes, you are being unreasonable. Frankly, if a partner made this request of me about a professional website that revolves around alumni networks and past employers, I wouldn't comply & wonder if this was the relationship for us both.
posted by katemcd at 10:10 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by katemcd at 10:10 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
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Is your boyfriend using LinkedIn to connect only to women and then date them? This would seem a problem. But you haven't described anything like that.
It sounds like his promiscuity is in the past. You may benefit from some therapy, alone or together, to help you deal with that.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [109 favorites]