Cross-cultural family problems with elderly parents
April 11, 2015 2:18 AM Subscribe
My parents and I are simply not getting along and I’m struggling to stay true to myself.
I’m a 30-year-old Muslim woman who was raised in the US; I’m the only child of first generation Pakistani parents. You could imagine me as the Golden Child: I am a dutiful, obedient, high-achieving girl who is the apple of her parents’ eyes, although I’ve started to break that mold ever since I left college several years ago. My mother is extremely religious and both are very overprotective. It’s difficult for me to get my own space although I’ve kind of inserted some distance between us because I moved an hour or so away from them.
But I have a lot of resentment towards them because growing up, I feel I had to suppress a lot of my own feelings to make sure I got their approval. They believe that I got whatever I wanted and I think that’s true materialistically, but I always felt, and still feel, that their love for me is conditional, particularly for my mom. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive growing up, and my dad was wrong in some ways because he just let it happen. However, I think in some way they do love me a lot but they have a lot of baggage that makes it come out in hurtful ways.
There are several issues that we’ve grappling with, and while this doesn’t happen 100% of the time, it’s pretty major:
1) We are just different, particularly because of the age and cultural gap between us. Frankly, I get bored when I’m home because we literally have nothing to talk about – we just have superficial conversation.
2) I’m much less religious than I used to be and my mother thinks I’m a horrible Muslim. I'm not sure I would define my religious or spiritual beliefs. She can't tolerate this. My mom says that she invested decades of her life raising me and the least I can do is “respect” her and pray. I told her I only pray for God’s approval, not hers, and doing otherwise would not be right. She didn’t get it.
3) I feel like I’m always being attacked. They tell me they’re expressing themselves and want to resolve conflict but all they say is “You didn’t do this” or “You did that.”
4) My mother does not respect me and my dad just acquiesces to her. My mother has said extremely hurtful comments to me (“You’re selfish”, “You’re ungrateful”, “You want me to leave the house and for [dad] to divorce me” etc.). My dad will stay silent if we are arguing and eventually take her side. Or privately, he’ll agree with what I say but he buckles when my mother is around and will eventually agree with her.
5) My parents do not respect me or see me as a separate person who is capable of making her own choices.
Sadly, I believe that this relationship mirrors that if a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father. I feel like I’m a possession to my mother, that she can own me and can mold me, and my father is too afraid to rock the boat although he does try to speak up, albeit unsuccessfully. My mother does not see me as an autonomous individual and although my father does, it doesn’t make a difference because he mostly accepts what she says. Guilt and emotional manipulation are tools that they use and they have little insight into how they make me feel. They simply don’t understand I have feelings and I’m hurt by what they say. I just don’t want to be around them anymore because I’m tired of feeling guilty and shitty about myself. I just want to be happy and be supported, and it’s been stressful because I feel like I’ve had to lead a double-life for so long – a life where I do what they want and a life where I’m exploring who I am. Nothing I do is good enough. I just get emails about how disappointed they are in me. I’m sick of hearing that. No matter how I sit down and try to talk it out with them, nothing helps.
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me. And I have no family either. I’ve tried to adjust my career so I could remain close if they needed help but I feel like I’m restricting my career to make people, who will never be satisfied with me, happy. The other problem is I’m not yet capable of supporting myself financially and I’ve been relying on them for help. I’ve been trying to look for financial alternatives so I can stay above water but I literally have nothing. I would feel guilty if something happened to them and no matter their flaws, they DID help me a lot. At the same time, I can't take the mental turmoil any longer.
I’m a 30-year-old Muslim woman who was raised in the US; I’m the only child of first generation Pakistani parents. You could imagine me as the Golden Child: I am a dutiful, obedient, high-achieving girl who is the apple of her parents’ eyes, although I’ve started to break that mold ever since I left college several years ago. My mother is extremely religious and both are very overprotective. It’s difficult for me to get my own space although I’ve kind of inserted some distance between us because I moved an hour or so away from them.
But I have a lot of resentment towards them because growing up, I feel I had to suppress a lot of my own feelings to make sure I got their approval. They believe that I got whatever I wanted and I think that’s true materialistically, but I always felt, and still feel, that their love for me is conditional, particularly for my mom. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive growing up, and my dad was wrong in some ways because he just let it happen. However, I think in some way they do love me a lot but they have a lot of baggage that makes it come out in hurtful ways.
There are several issues that we’ve grappling with, and while this doesn’t happen 100% of the time, it’s pretty major:
1) We are just different, particularly because of the age and cultural gap between us. Frankly, I get bored when I’m home because we literally have nothing to talk about – we just have superficial conversation.
2) I’m much less religious than I used to be and my mother thinks I’m a horrible Muslim. I'm not sure I would define my religious or spiritual beliefs. She can't tolerate this. My mom says that she invested decades of her life raising me and the least I can do is “respect” her and pray. I told her I only pray for God’s approval, not hers, and doing otherwise would not be right. She didn’t get it.
3) I feel like I’m always being attacked. They tell me they’re expressing themselves and want to resolve conflict but all they say is “You didn’t do this” or “You did that.”
4) My mother does not respect me and my dad just acquiesces to her. My mother has said extremely hurtful comments to me (“You’re selfish”, “You’re ungrateful”, “You want me to leave the house and for [dad] to divorce me” etc.). My dad will stay silent if we are arguing and eventually take her side. Or privately, he’ll agree with what I say but he buckles when my mother is around and will eventually agree with her.
5) My parents do not respect me or see me as a separate person who is capable of making her own choices.
Sadly, I believe that this relationship mirrors that if a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father. I feel like I’m a possession to my mother, that she can own me and can mold me, and my father is too afraid to rock the boat although he does try to speak up, albeit unsuccessfully. My mother does not see me as an autonomous individual and although my father does, it doesn’t make a difference because he mostly accepts what she says. Guilt and emotional manipulation are tools that they use and they have little insight into how they make me feel. They simply don’t understand I have feelings and I’m hurt by what they say. I just don’t want to be around them anymore because I’m tired of feeling guilty and shitty about myself. I just want to be happy and be supported, and it’s been stressful because I feel like I’ve had to lead a double-life for so long – a life where I do what they want and a life where I’m exploring who I am. Nothing I do is good enough. I just get emails about how disappointed they are in me. I’m sick of hearing that. No matter how I sit down and try to talk it out with them, nothing helps.
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me. And I have no family either. I’ve tried to adjust my career so I could remain close if they needed help but I feel like I’m restricting my career to make people, who will never be satisfied with me, happy. The other problem is I’m not yet capable of supporting myself financially and I’ve been relying on them for help. I’ve been trying to look for financial alternatives so I can stay above water but I literally have nothing. I would feel guilty if something happened to them and no matter their flaws, they DID help me a lot. At the same time, I can't take the mental turmoil any longer.
Agreed that your financial reliance on them is problematic. I'd have trouble treating my 30-year-old as an autonomous adult if they couldn't pay their own bills.
Does changing the context of your visits help at all? For example, are you more likely to have a decent time with them if you go out to eat rather than visit at their house, or if you bring a game or activity?
One option is to let your mother know that you would love to see her, but you can't tolerate the disrespect, and will give one warning before leaving if she starts with it. Remind her once if she says something inappropriate; if she does it again, leave. Stop reading e-mails that are disrespectful as well. Either don't reply or reply saying "I stopped reading after the first paragraph because these are things I don't need to hear." Let her know that she has made her opinions very clear and you don't need to hear them again. This may change her behavior, but even if it doesn't, it empowers you and gives you control over the situation.
As for being bored when you visit because you don't have a lot in common, that's life sometimes. Try to think of conversation topics in advance that might engage you all, or do more activities together; if they aren't willing or able to get out and wander around museums or such, consider cooking or doing puzzles at their house.
posted by metasarah at 5:25 AM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Does changing the context of your visits help at all? For example, are you more likely to have a decent time with them if you go out to eat rather than visit at their house, or if you bring a game or activity?
One option is to let your mother know that you would love to see her, but you can't tolerate the disrespect, and will give one warning before leaving if she starts with it. Remind her once if she says something inappropriate; if she does it again, leave. Stop reading e-mails that are disrespectful as well. Either don't reply or reply saying "I stopped reading after the first paragraph because these are things I don't need to hear." Let her know that she has made her opinions very clear and you don't need to hear them again. This may change her behavior, but even if it doesn't, it empowers you and gives you control over the situation.
As for being bored when you visit because you don't have a lot in common, that's life sometimes. Try to think of conversation topics in advance that might engage you all, or do more activities together; if they aren't willing or able to get out and wander around museums or such, consider cooking or doing puzzles at their house.
posted by metasarah at 5:25 AM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me.
They're adults; they are responsible for looking after themselves. I'm biased, perhaps, because I despise my parents and haven't spoken to them since 1995 (father) and 2000 (mother). And you know what? I am--surprisingly--much, much more sane because of it. You didn't choose to be born--they chose. You didn't choose to have people raise you--they did. That means, in my mind, you owe them exactly nothing. They owe you.
So... if it makes you happier, stop talking to them. Set your boundaries the next time your mother starts in with the bullshit; "Mum, I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way. You can speak to me that way or you can have me around. Your choice." Stick to your guns. You're an adult, you get to define the parameters of your relationships. You have that power. They're not going to change and you can't make them change anyway, the only thing you can do is decide how you're going to react.
A therapist might help you work through this stuff.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:27 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
They're adults; they are responsible for looking after themselves. I'm biased, perhaps, because I despise my parents and haven't spoken to them since 1995 (father) and 2000 (mother). And you know what? I am--surprisingly--much, much more sane because of it. You didn't choose to be born--they chose. You didn't choose to have people raise you--they did. That means, in my mind, you owe them exactly nothing. They owe you.
So... if it makes you happier, stop talking to them. Set your boundaries the next time your mother starts in with the bullshit; "Mum, I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way. You can speak to me that way or you can have me around. Your choice." Stick to your guns. You're an adult, you get to define the parameters of your relationships. You have that power. They're not going to change and you can't make them change anyway, the only thing you can do is decide how you're going to react.
A therapist might help you work through this stuff.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:27 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I believe you will not be happy or feel free, long term, if you cut off your elderly parents.
The trick to being in less turmoil in your relation to them is to change the power dynamic in your own mind.
The dynamic still sounds like that between a teenager and parents. Not an easy one to change as a young adult but they aren't going to do it so you must. Remind yourself you're not a teenager, you don't need to react by arguing or storming away from them as teenagers need to assert their independence. it sounds like she's feeling you're rejecting values she tried to instill. OK, you don't need to argue with it, give her a small superficial cheerful nonstarter and move on gathering up the plates or whatever.
SO -- in your mind, remind yourself you are the adult in her prime, they are the elderly parents who won't be here forever. That in itself changes the power dynamic: it's not between adults and a child. You don't need to tell them everything about yourself. Superficial chit chat that bores you is actually the perfect medium for maintaining a connection that says "I am here with you" without it being the intimate necessary connection that can hurt you OR nourish you as conversations with your own friends or partners might. Don't look to them for that just as you don't need to look to them for approval.
Don't read or respond to the complaining emails, cheerfully change the subject instead of arguing when she talks about praying, if she says "your nail polish is a horrid color" say "oh, it's not your cup of tea, I know!" in a cheerful tone and change the topic.
Just because you're still not YET financially independent doesn't mean you can't work on becoming more emotionally independent, but the way to do that isn't to cut them off. It's to heal inside, not to need them emotionally. that doesn't mean you shouldn't be working towards financial independence, because you of course should, but it's not a quid pro quo. You can still work on the emotional side, and be mature enough to thank them profoundly for helping you get on your financial feet while actively working to get there.
posted by third rail at 5:44 AM on April 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
The trick to being in less turmoil in your relation to them is to change the power dynamic in your own mind.
The dynamic still sounds like that between a teenager and parents. Not an easy one to change as a young adult but they aren't going to do it so you must. Remind yourself you're not a teenager, you don't need to react by arguing or storming away from them as teenagers need to assert their independence. it sounds like she's feeling you're rejecting values she tried to instill. OK, you don't need to argue with it, give her a small superficial cheerful nonstarter and move on gathering up the plates or whatever.
SO -- in your mind, remind yourself you are the adult in her prime, they are the elderly parents who won't be here forever. That in itself changes the power dynamic: it's not between adults and a child. You don't need to tell them everything about yourself. Superficial chit chat that bores you is actually the perfect medium for maintaining a connection that says "I am here with you" without it being the intimate necessary connection that can hurt you OR nourish you as conversations with your own friends or partners might. Don't look to them for that just as you don't need to look to them for approval.
Don't read or respond to the complaining emails, cheerfully change the subject instead of arguing when she talks about praying, if she says "your nail polish is a horrid color" say "oh, it's not your cup of tea, I know!" in a cheerful tone and change the topic.
Just because you're still not YET financially independent doesn't mean you can't work on becoming more emotionally independent, but the way to do that isn't to cut them off. It's to heal inside, not to need them emotionally. that doesn't mean you shouldn't be working towards financial independence, because you of course should, but it's not a quid pro quo. You can still work on the emotional side, and be mature enough to thank them profoundly for helping you get on your financial feet while actively working to get there.
posted by third rail at 5:44 AM on April 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
You need a gap of time to become completely independent of them. Once you are strong, and financially secure, be there for formal occasions.
READ THIS PART-IT IS IMPORTANT!
Go to the county aging services where you live and get the literature regarding how to care for elderly parents. "Seventy is the new fifty," may not be true for your parents. They have helpful guidelines about how to communicate with elderly parents as they enter dementia and just plain old age. Culturally and personally some of this is awful, and painful. Some of this is normal aging for anyone, but epecially if Mom has been cranky all along. Narcissists slip into dementia and it is hard to tell the difference.
If you can read up on the norms, then it will help you depersonalize some of it. They are much older than you, you will need help with them. Learn what is available for you. You get to have your life, you will become their slave, if you don't learn the ropes right away. There is a lot of help out of county aging services.
posted by Oyéah at 8:19 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
READ THIS PART-IT IS IMPORTANT!
Go to the county aging services where you live and get the literature regarding how to care for elderly parents. "Seventy is the new fifty," may not be true for your parents. They have helpful guidelines about how to communicate with elderly parents as they enter dementia and just plain old age. Culturally and personally some of this is awful, and painful. Some of this is normal aging for anyone, but epecially if Mom has been cranky all along. Narcissists slip into dementia and it is hard to tell the difference.
If you can read up on the norms, then it will help you depersonalize some of it. They are much older than you, you will need help with them. Learn what is available for you. You get to have your life, you will become their slave, if you don't learn the ropes right away. There is a lot of help out of county aging services.
posted by Oyéah at 8:19 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Guilt, control through money, infantilising behaviours are part of the narcissistic/codependent dance. You cannot really change the behaviour of parents but you could investigate what codependency is, how you fit the mode of that set of behaviours, and how you can become independent emotionally (and financially) from the dance you've been doing with them.
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me.
You see this as guilt inducing. It's also enormous power you have over them.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:21 AM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me.
You see this as guilt inducing. It's also enormous power you have over them.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:21 AM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) We are just different, particularly because of the age and cultural gap between us. Frankly, I get bored when I’m home because we literally have nothing to talk about – we just have superficial conversation.
The only thing you can change about that situation is your response to it. There are two complementary approaches it would be healthy to take: practise getting better at tolerating boredom, and practise listening actively to what the person on the other side of the boring conversation is actually saying. Do both.
2) I’m much less religious than I used to be
As is your perfect right.
and my mother thinks I’m a horrible Muslim. I'm not sure I would define my religious or spiritual beliefs. She can't tolerate this.
That's her problem, not yours.
My mom says that she invested decades of her life raising me and the least I can do is “respect” her and pray. I told her I only pray for God’s approval, not hers, and doing otherwise would not be right. She didn’t get it.
Active listening can help with this too. Instead of taking up an opposing verbal position, which is only going to start an argument, you can present her with some guesses about how she feels based on what she's saying:
Mom: "The least you can do is respect the decades I invested in raising you, and pray like a proper Muslim!"
You (with genuine sympathy and not even a trace hint of sarcasm): "It must be really hard for you to see the way that all that effort has produced a faith so different from your own. I guess it's a cultural adaptation thing. Probably would have been very different if you'd chosen to raise me in Pakistan."
Note well: you are acknowledging her troubled feelings here. What you are specifically not doing is agreeing that her troubled feelings are something that you can or should alleviate by making changes to the way you live.
3) I feel like I’m always being attacked. They tell me they’re expressing themselves and want to resolve conflict but all they say is “You didn’t do this” or “You did that.”
Again, the trick is to treat their attacking phrasing as nothing more than a mode of expression. This will take conscious practice.
Expressing disagreement as an I-statement ("I feel/felt X when you do/did Y, and I would prefer Z instead") instead of a you-statement ("You did Y!" in a tone that makes it clear that Y is awful) is a skill worth learning, because it can help keep incompatible values from turning into an all-out verbal brawl. However, in my experience it's often quite difficult to persuade somebody on the other side of a conflict, especially somebody whose commitment to conflict resolution is perhaps not so high, to adopt such a form with anything like a helpful degree of consistency.
What can be done, though, is to practice rapid internal translation of every incoming you-statement into the equivalent I-statement, then reacting only to the latter. This skill meshes well with learning to do a good active-listening paraphrase.
The thing is, at 30 years old they're not really expecting you to change. They're old, they're set in their ways, their ways work for them (by their lights) and they're just determined to say their say: that's how being old works. And it is well within your power to re-frame your experience of their doing that, in ways that have positive knock-on effects on both your own mental state and your verbal responses to their old, tired complaints.
4) My mother does not respect me and my dad just acquiesces to her. My mother has said extremely hurtful comments to me (“You’re selfish”, “You’re ungrateful”, “You want me to leave the house and for [dad] to divorce me” etc.). My dad will stay silent if we are arguing and eventually take her side. Or privately, he’ll agree with what I say but he buckles when my mother is around and will eventually agree with her.
Once the attacks get beyond the point of simple disagreement and cross the line into straight-up rudeness and disrespect, they become opportunities for you to practice healthy boundary-setting:
"Mother, I don't appreciate being treated like a naughty five-year-old. If you keep insisting I'm an awful person, I will simply go home."
The thing that must be done when delivering a line like that is to do so in a tone of voice that makes it perfectly clear that what you're saying is simply information. So you can be emphatic, and you can speak very clearly, but don't allow your voice to express anger and resentment. The aim is not to fight back, simply to make sure your attacker knows where you stand. You're not issuing a threat, nor an ultimatum: you're not demanding change, simply letting your mother know that your continued presence depends on her return to courtesy.
And you absolutely need to follow through, as well. When (not if, unfortunately) you need to back up a statement like that with action, it needs to be (a) immediate and (b) glacially calm. Showing sadness and disappointment can be helpful; anger, not so much. Hold back the shouting and the cursing and the crying and the banging on the steering wheel until you're totally out of earshot. Then pull over and give it all you've got.
5) My parents do not respect me or see me as a separate person who is capable of making her own choices.
That's a pattern common enough to be expected, especially when there's such a large age gap. Learning to see our children as other than extensions of ourselves takes quite a lot of work, and many people don't seem to see the need to do that work.
Sadly, I believe that this relationship mirrors that if a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father.
You're probably no more qualified to make that diagnosis than I am: beware of the GLOP. Because here's the thing: even if you're right, and your mother really does exhibit some form of narcissistic personality disorder, that's not something you can change. You're not her therapist, and she's not seeking your therapeutic help.
What you can do is teach yourself specific skills for dealing with her specific behaviours in ways that cause less trouble for you, and then practise those skills until you're so good at them that she doesn't bother you any more.
I feel like I’m a possession to my mother, that she can own me and can mold me, and my father is too afraid to rock the boat although he does try to speak up, albeit unsuccessfully.
You're almost certainly right that this is how your mother and father see you. However, you are under no obligation to see yourself the same way. You probably already do, to some extent - this is a difficult stink to wash off - so a certain amount of deliberate, conscious, focused practice in observing the true fact of your own autonomy is probably going to be appropriate. Maybe spend a few minutes on this daily, until it becomes an unconscious mental habit.
My mother does not see me as an autonomous individual and although my father does, it doesn’t make a difference because he mostly accepts what she says.
In general, it is not possible to control the ways in which other people perceive us. Practice deliberately being OK with that.
Guilt and emotional manipulation are tools that they use and they have little insight into how they make me feel.
Guilt and emotional manipulation can be undermined and worked around by getting rid of the erroneous beliefs they depend on for their effect. This is hard work: it takes conscious effort and a lot of practice. Totally worth it, though; it will pay off bigtime for any relationship with an inbuilt power imbalance.
The specific belief I think it would pay you to dump is that we owe our parents jack. They chose to be parents, and inherent in that choice is the obligation to raise their children with as much unconditional love as they could possibly muster. None of us chose to be here, so there is no deal. You can't make a deal with somebody who doesn't even exist before the deal is sealed.
Note well that the true fact of owing our parents nothing does not imply that feeling gratitude and wanting to give them love and support are not good and honourable things. Of course they are, and most people have them. Even the children of parents ten times as shitty as yours have those.
But wise parents don't build a Berlin Wall of unreasonableness between themselves and their children's natural tendency to be loving, caring and supportive.
They simply don’t understand I have feelings and I’m hurt by what they say.
Then give them more information. Set those boundaries. When they say hurtful things, leave. They're old, not stupid; they will eventually catch on.
I just don’t want to be around them anymore because I’m tired of feeling guilty and shitty about myself.
That's completely understandable. As an autonomous adult, you're under no obligation to spend time in the company of people who treat you badly.
I just want to be happy and be supported, and it’s been stressful because I feel like I’ve had to lead a double-life for so long – a life where I do what they want and a life where I’m exploring who I am.
Thirty years of doing what your parents want is generally reckoned to be more than enough.
Nothing I do is good enough. I just get emails about how disappointed they are in me. I’m sick of hearing that.
If that's the usual tone of the emails you get from them, set up your email software to divert all their mail to Trash and mark it read. They can learn to extend the courtesy you're due, or they can go unheard. You have the power to make those their only options. Exercise it.
No matter how I sit down and try to talk it out with them, nothing helps.
At 70+, you're not going to change the way these people see the world, and with 40+ years and a major cultural gap between you that way is unlikely to fit well with yours. So waste no further time on attempting to bring their worldview into line with yours. Not gonna happen. Focus your efforts on improving your own resilience and your own willingness to show them when enough is enough.
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me.
That's their problem, not yours.
And I have no family either.
That's your problem, but you're not going to solve it by trying to mold and shape your elderly mother, any more than she is going to solve her problem by molding and shaping you.
I’ve tried to adjust my career so I could remain close if they needed help but I feel like I’m restricting my career to make people, who will never be satisfied with me, happy.
That's probably exactly what you are indeed doing. You're under no obligation to keep on doing it.
The other problem is I’m not yet capable of supporting myself financially and I’ve been relying on them for help. I’ve been trying to look for financial alternatives so I can stay above water but I literally have nothing.
Then it would make perfect sense for you to lower the priority you've been giving your parents' convenience when it comes to making further career choices. Go where the work is.
I would feel guilty if something happened to them and no matter their flaws, they DID help me a lot.
That's undoubtedly true. However, twisting your whole life out of shape in an effort to avoid that anticipated guilt is doing you no good, and you'll be no use to your aged relatives as a gibbering wreck. It's time to put your own needs ahead of theirs, at least until you're financially secure.
At the same time, I can't take the mental turmoil any longer.
And nor should you have to.
posted by flabdablet at 8:40 AM on April 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
The only thing you can change about that situation is your response to it. There are two complementary approaches it would be healthy to take: practise getting better at tolerating boredom, and practise listening actively to what the person on the other side of the boring conversation is actually saying. Do both.
2) I’m much less religious than I used to be
As is your perfect right.
and my mother thinks I’m a horrible Muslim. I'm not sure I would define my religious or spiritual beliefs. She can't tolerate this.
That's her problem, not yours.
My mom says that she invested decades of her life raising me and the least I can do is “respect” her and pray. I told her I only pray for God’s approval, not hers, and doing otherwise would not be right. She didn’t get it.
Active listening can help with this too. Instead of taking up an opposing verbal position, which is only going to start an argument, you can present her with some guesses about how she feels based on what she's saying:
Mom: "The least you can do is respect the decades I invested in raising you, and pray like a proper Muslim!"
You (with genuine sympathy and not even a trace hint of sarcasm): "It must be really hard for you to see the way that all that effort has produced a faith so different from your own. I guess it's a cultural adaptation thing. Probably would have been very different if you'd chosen to raise me in Pakistan."
Note well: you are acknowledging her troubled feelings here. What you are specifically not doing is agreeing that her troubled feelings are something that you can or should alleviate by making changes to the way you live.
3) I feel like I’m always being attacked. They tell me they’re expressing themselves and want to resolve conflict but all they say is “You didn’t do this” or “You did that.”
Again, the trick is to treat their attacking phrasing as nothing more than a mode of expression. This will take conscious practice.
Expressing disagreement as an I-statement ("I feel/felt X when you do/did Y, and I would prefer Z instead") instead of a you-statement ("You did Y!" in a tone that makes it clear that Y is awful) is a skill worth learning, because it can help keep incompatible values from turning into an all-out verbal brawl. However, in my experience it's often quite difficult to persuade somebody on the other side of a conflict, especially somebody whose commitment to conflict resolution is perhaps not so high, to adopt such a form with anything like a helpful degree of consistency.
What can be done, though, is to practice rapid internal translation of every incoming you-statement into the equivalent I-statement, then reacting only to the latter. This skill meshes well with learning to do a good active-listening paraphrase.
The thing is, at 30 years old they're not really expecting you to change. They're old, they're set in their ways, their ways work for them (by their lights) and they're just determined to say their say: that's how being old works. And it is well within your power to re-frame your experience of their doing that, in ways that have positive knock-on effects on both your own mental state and your verbal responses to their old, tired complaints.
4) My mother does not respect me and my dad just acquiesces to her. My mother has said extremely hurtful comments to me (“You’re selfish”, “You’re ungrateful”, “You want me to leave the house and for [dad] to divorce me” etc.). My dad will stay silent if we are arguing and eventually take her side. Or privately, he’ll agree with what I say but he buckles when my mother is around and will eventually agree with her.
Once the attacks get beyond the point of simple disagreement and cross the line into straight-up rudeness and disrespect, they become opportunities for you to practice healthy boundary-setting:
"Mother, I don't appreciate being treated like a naughty five-year-old. If you keep insisting I'm an awful person, I will simply go home."
The thing that must be done when delivering a line like that is to do so in a tone of voice that makes it perfectly clear that what you're saying is simply information. So you can be emphatic, and you can speak very clearly, but don't allow your voice to express anger and resentment. The aim is not to fight back, simply to make sure your attacker knows where you stand. You're not issuing a threat, nor an ultimatum: you're not demanding change, simply letting your mother know that your continued presence depends on her return to courtesy.
And you absolutely need to follow through, as well. When (not if, unfortunately) you need to back up a statement like that with action, it needs to be (a) immediate and (b) glacially calm. Showing sadness and disappointment can be helpful; anger, not so much. Hold back the shouting and the cursing and the crying and the banging on the steering wheel until you're totally out of earshot. Then pull over and give it all you've got.
5) My parents do not respect me or see me as a separate person who is capable of making her own choices.
That's a pattern common enough to be expected, especially when there's such a large age gap. Learning to see our children as other than extensions of ourselves takes quite a lot of work, and many people don't seem to see the need to do that work.
Sadly, I believe that this relationship mirrors that if a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father.
You're probably no more qualified to make that diagnosis than I am: beware of the GLOP. Because here's the thing: even if you're right, and your mother really does exhibit some form of narcissistic personality disorder, that's not something you can change. You're not her therapist, and she's not seeking your therapeutic help.
What you can do is teach yourself specific skills for dealing with her specific behaviours in ways that cause less trouble for you, and then practise those skills until you're so good at them that she doesn't bother you any more.
I feel like I’m a possession to my mother, that she can own me and can mold me, and my father is too afraid to rock the boat although he does try to speak up, albeit unsuccessfully.
You're almost certainly right that this is how your mother and father see you. However, you are under no obligation to see yourself the same way. You probably already do, to some extent - this is a difficult stink to wash off - so a certain amount of deliberate, conscious, focused practice in observing the true fact of your own autonomy is probably going to be appropriate. Maybe spend a few minutes on this daily, until it becomes an unconscious mental habit.
My mother does not see me as an autonomous individual and although my father does, it doesn’t make a difference because he mostly accepts what she says.
In general, it is not possible to control the ways in which other people perceive us. Practice deliberately being OK with that.
Guilt and emotional manipulation are tools that they use and they have little insight into how they make me feel.
Guilt and emotional manipulation can be undermined and worked around by getting rid of the erroneous beliefs they depend on for their effect. This is hard work: it takes conscious effort and a lot of practice. Totally worth it, though; it will pay off bigtime for any relationship with an inbuilt power imbalance.
The specific belief I think it would pay you to dump is that we owe our parents jack. They chose to be parents, and inherent in that choice is the obligation to raise their children with as much unconditional love as they could possibly muster. None of us chose to be here, so there is no deal. You can't make a deal with somebody who doesn't even exist before the deal is sealed.
Note well that the true fact of owing our parents nothing does not imply that feeling gratitude and wanting to give them love and support are not good and honourable things. Of course they are, and most people have them. Even the children of parents ten times as shitty as yours have those.
But wise parents don't build a Berlin Wall of unreasonableness between themselves and their children's natural tendency to be loving, caring and supportive.
They simply don’t understand I have feelings and I’m hurt by what they say.
Then give them more information. Set those boundaries. When they say hurtful things, leave. They're old, not stupid; they will eventually catch on.
I just don’t want to be around them anymore because I’m tired of feeling guilty and shitty about myself.
That's completely understandable. As an autonomous adult, you're under no obligation to spend time in the company of people who treat you badly.
I just want to be happy and be supported, and it’s been stressful because I feel like I’ve had to lead a double-life for so long – a life where I do what they want and a life where I’m exploring who I am.
Thirty years of doing what your parents want is generally reckoned to be more than enough.
Nothing I do is good enough. I just get emails about how disappointed they are in me. I’m sick of hearing that.
If that's the usual tone of the emails you get from them, set up your email software to divert all their mail to Trash and mark it read. They can learn to extend the courtesy you're due, or they can go unheard. You have the power to make those their only options. Exercise it.
No matter how I sit down and try to talk it out with them, nothing helps.
At 70+, you're not going to change the way these people see the world, and with 40+ years and a major cultural gap between you that way is unlikely to fit well with yours. So waste no further time on attempting to bring their worldview into line with yours. Not gonna happen. Focus your efforts on improving your own resilience and your own willingness to show them when enough is enough.
The problem is that they are in their 70s and have no one except me.
That's their problem, not yours.
And I have no family either.
That's your problem, but you're not going to solve it by trying to mold and shape your elderly mother, any more than she is going to solve her problem by molding and shaping you.
I’ve tried to adjust my career so I could remain close if they needed help but I feel like I’m restricting my career to make people, who will never be satisfied with me, happy.
That's probably exactly what you are indeed doing. You're under no obligation to keep on doing it.
The other problem is I’m not yet capable of supporting myself financially and I’ve been relying on them for help. I’ve been trying to look for financial alternatives so I can stay above water but I literally have nothing.
Then it would make perfect sense for you to lower the priority you've been giving your parents' convenience when it comes to making further career choices. Go where the work is.
I would feel guilty if something happened to them and no matter their flaws, they DID help me a lot.
That's undoubtedly true. However, twisting your whole life out of shape in an effort to avoid that anticipated guilt is doing you no good, and you'll be no use to your aged relatives as a gibbering wreck. It's time to put your own needs ahead of theirs, at least until you're financially secure.
At the same time, I can't take the mental turmoil any longer.
And nor should you have to.
posted by flabdablet at 8:40 AM on April 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
While I believe it is possible to train meddling parents to back off of certain topics, I don't really think it is possible to get a narcissistic parent to understand and be concerned about your feelings or anyone's feelings. That's part of the circuitry that doesn't work in narcissists. You deserve compassion and empathy from both of your parents, but narcissists are crap at empathy. Your mother may never be able to give you that kind of caring and may always express caring as being concerned about whether or not you are behaving righteously. And that's probably always going to be expressed as nagging.
I agree about the active listening. Sometimes just restating her concern in the most positive way can make her feel heard and maybe she'll be pleased enough to stop talking. ("So, mom, you are saying you think its a good idea for me to _____.) (Even "You feel sad that I don't ____.)"
To train parents to stay off of certain topics I would try "Please don't say that" quickly followed by "I have to go", both said in a pleasant tone during phone calls. (It's harder to control face to face discourse.) It's the kindest way I can think of to discourage the most pestering comments. But I'm doubtful about whether this will work with your mother's personality.
posted by puddledork at 10:13 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree about the active listening. Sometimes just restating her concern in the most positive way can make her feel heard and maybe she'll be pleased enough to stop talking. ("So, mom, you are saying you think its a good idea for me to _____.) (Even "You feel sad that I don't ____.)"
To train parents to stay off of certain topics I would try "Please don't say that" quickly followed by "I have to go", both said in a pleasant tone during phone calls. (It's harder to control face to face discourse.) It's the kindest way I can think of to discourage the most pestering comments. But I'm doubtful about whether this will work with your mother's personality.
posted by puddledork at 10:13 AM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) I think that if there isn't a lot of common cultural ground between you and your parents, and given the age gap and other differences, it's kind of self-defeating to hope for meaningful conversations with them, like you might have with peers. Look to friends instead to fulfill this need, and modify your expectations of what's possible with your parents. I think with this you just kind of have to indulge them a bit for the time you're with them. Maybe try to find some angle on the conversation that might interest you, or put on the TV.
2) If your mom's religious in the way that she is, that's pretty much it. She's probably never going to understand where you're coming from, and there's not much you can do about that. I think trying to engage with her in a sincere way about your beliefs is just going to lead to unnecessary and unavoidable conflict or irritation. I don't know how you'd feel about this, but, some 2nd gen people I know cope by kind of just faking it as far as this sort of thing is concerned - they'll just (occasionally) go along with practice x basically to mollify their parents and then forget about it a minute later. (This is basically my tack with the older and more religious of my parents.) They don't say they do believe in x, but they don't say they don't. If it's not a daily expectation, and you don't actually believe in the practice (so it's not, say, blasphemous as far as you're concerned), and faking it keeps them happy and quiet, is it worth the aggravation to make a stand? I don't think this is necessarily negating the importance of your beliefs, it's just kind of pragmatically recognizing your parents' limitations. Also, though - do you need your mother to understand and agree with your position? Your beliefs are your beliefs, irrespective of her approval or disapproval.
3) I'm not familiar with 1st-gen Pakistani Muslim parenting practices (which if they're like most 1st-gen ones, may well be more critical and/or more fear-based than those of parents who stay in the originating country) - is this kind of communication very common? Or is it maybe what your parents grew up with themselves? Practicing detachment with this kind of thing is harder than with 1) and 2), because it pushes old and important buttons, but it might help if you can learn to see the critical statements they make as reflections of their own backgrounds and limitations - simple habit - and not as authoritative statements about your value. (Not saying this is easy.) If they're commenting on something banal and they're actually right (like "you left your bags in the hall and they're in the way, and we can't move them") just roll with it and ignore their tone and delivery. "Yes, you're right, I forgot to move them, sorry". If it is a big deal, defend yourself with clear statements, try not to get emotionally drawn in, and leave after you say your piece. But choose your battles.
4) This is pretty maladaptive communication and no doubt terrible to hear. Does your mom say things like this out of the blue, or in the course of a heated argument when she's maybe worked up? If it's ammo that gets used in arguments, try to prevent conflicts from starting in the first place by staying as clear of hot-button topics as possible. If she starts, aim for de-escalatation. Don't engage and don't take it to heart. Defend yourself and affirm your ground when you really feel compelled to - "No, Mom, actually I'm not selfish. I contribute in these ways. You can think that about me if you want to but it's just not true" or simply tell her, "If you continue talking in this way, I will leave the room" and just leave (great advice above on setting boundaries).
5) This must be painful, but you can't do much about it. You can't ask for respect, people give it or don't. All you can do is work to build your life (and resources) on your terms and hold yourself to your own standards.
tl/dr: With regard to your interactions with and feelings about your parents - accept their limitations; don't expect more than they can offer; practice detachment; and look elsewhere for validation. Also - reach out to other 2nd generation people with whom you could commiserate and share approaches to coping. There are counsellors with experience in these issues, as well, maybe consider talking to one of them.
Also: This may be difficult to approach, but I agree very much that you need to come to an understanding with them about their plans for the future. Have they got savings? Do they expect you to take care of them directly? Maybe start a conversation with your dad, first, and see how it goes. I agree with Oyéah - find out what's available to them from public resources in the event they've got nothing set up.
(I'm hoping you're very lucky and there's a culture- or religion-specific retirement home or centre they might not hate. Some religious communities are fabulous at offering recreational activities and even practical support for seniors; if a centre that offers such things exists where your parents live, this might turn out to be a great thing to have in the pocket. In that case, being conversant with relevant norms and beliefs (even if you don't personally agree with them) would be helpful.)
Don't restrict your career for your parents. Live your life for yourself, no one else will.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:45 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
2) If your mom's religious in the way that she is, that's pretty much it. She's probably never going to understand where you're coming from, and there's not much you can do about that. I think trying to engage with her in a sincere way about your beliefs is just going to lead to unnecessary and unavoidable conflict or irritation. I don't know how you'd feel about this, but, some 2nd gen people I know cope by kind of just faking it as far as this sort of thing is concerned - they'll just (occasionally) go along with practice x basically to mollify their parents and then forget about it a minute later. (This is basically my tack with the older and more religious of my parents.) They don't say they do believe in x, but they don't say they don't. If it's not a daily expectation, and you don't actually believe in the practice (so it's not, say, blasphemous as far as you're concerned), and faking it keeps them happy and quiet, is it worth the aggravation to make a stand? I don't think this is necessarily negating the importance of your beliefs, it's just kind of pragmatically recognizing your parents' limitations. Also, though - do you need your mother to understand and agree with your position? Your beliefs are your beliefs, irrespective of her approval or disapproval.
3) I'm not familiar with 1st-gen Pakistani Muslim parenting practices (which if they're like most 1st-gen ones, may well be more critical and/or more fear-based than those of parents who stay in the originating country) - is this kind of communication very common? Or is it maybe what your parents grew up with themselves? Practicing detachment with this kind of thing is harder than with 1) and 2), because it pushes old and important buttons, but it might help if you can learn to see the critical statements they make as reflections of their own backgrounds and limitations - simple habit - and not as authoritative statements about your value. (Not saying this is easy.) If they're commenting on something banal and they're actually right (like "you left your bags in the hall and they're in the way, and we can't move them") just roll with it and ignore their tone and delivery. "Yes, you're right, I forgot to move them, sorry". If it is a big deal, defend yourself with clear statements, try not to get emotionally drawn in, and leave after you say your piece. But choose your battles.
4) This is pretty maladaptive communication and no doubt terrible to hear. Does your mom say things like this out of the blue, or in the course of a heated argument when she's maybe worked up? If it's ammo that gets used in arguments, try to prevent conflicts from starting in the first place by staying as clear of hot-button topics as possible. If she starts, aim for de-escalatation. Don't engage and don't take it to heart. Defend yourself and affirm your ground when you really feel compelled to - "No, Mom, actually I'm not selfish. I contribute in these ways. You can think that about me if you want to but it's just not true" or simply tell her, "If you continue talking in this way, I will leave the room" and just leave (great advice above on setting boundaries).
5) This must be painful, but you can't do much about it. You can't ask for respect, people give it or don't. All you can do is work to build your life (and resources) on your terms and hold yourself to your own standards.
tl/dr: With regard to your interactions with and feelings about your parents - accept their limitations; don't expect more than they can offer; practice detachment; and look elsewhere for validation. Also - reach out to other 2nd generation people with whom you could commiserate and share approaches to coping. There are counsellors with experience in these issues, as well, maybe consider talking to one of them.
Also: This may be difficult to approach, but I agree very much that you need to come to an understanding with them about their plans for the future. Have they got savings? Do they expect you to take care of them directly? Maybe start a conversation with your dad, first, and see how it goes. I agree with Oyéah - find out what's available to them from public resources in the event they've got nothing set up.
(I'm hoping you're very lucky and there's a culture- or religion-specific retirement home or centre they might not hate. Some religious communities are fabulous at offering recreational activities and even practical support for seniors; if a centre that offers such things exists where your parents live, this might turn out to be a great thing to have in the pocket. In that case, being conversant with relevant norms and beliefs (even if you don't personally agree with them) would be helpful.)
Don't restrict your career for your parents. Live your life for yourself, no one else will.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:45 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Funny how I did not achieve financial stability until I ceased relations with my BPD mother & sorta enabling narcissistic father.
posted by jbenben at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2015
posted by jbenben at 7:08 PM on April 12, 2015
Hi - I feel for you.
I'll second going to therapy with a therapist who has direct experience with these issues. Also, seconding that you should to achieve financial independence with your parents.
But - I think some of the other commenters are well-meaning but not very helpful. So three suggestions:
1) Use actions to change communication
In my personal experience, one of the most helpful things that I've learned in dealing with a similar parental dynamic is realizing that conversations, discussions, or words were not the way in which change happened. Not that these aren't important, but the largest thing over time that changed my dynamic with my parents (1st gen, different culture, high expectation, etc) was my behavior and the actions I took -- and understanding that words are important mostly because they're symptoms of emotions.
It probably doesn't help that you're probably speaking in a language that either you or your parents will be less comfortable with (whether it's in English or in Urdu/Pashto/etc), and so thus easier for everyone to fall into pre-established patterns -- which lend themselves to harsh language, negative comments, etc. I bet there are phrases that you've heard a million times over and over, etc.
Consider that you have to acclimate them to different actions, not in terms of words. If you find yourself falling into patterns of conversations, figure out non-conversational non-verbal ways to change the dynamic - going somewhere else in the house, talking on the phone only for a few minutes. If you find that the conversation is getting heated, excuse yourself to the bathroom and wait for a few minutes, and come back out. Sometimes words can be the symptom of emotions, and you need to find other ways to deal with emotions that aren't by answering words with words.
2) Gently acclimate them to things, over long periods of time
Consider that you have to provide them with a bit of exposure therapy, gently acclimating them to things. Gently hint at something new on the phone ("I went on a date"), and when/if the conversation gets heated, gently mention that you have to hang up because you have to go to a meeting, and that you can talk about it later. Repeat. Over many months or years, this might be something that they get used to -- "get used to" as in, will tolerate, or won't yell at you when you bring it up. If they get used to something over a year, that would be a win.
3) Give them positive feedback.
I think it's very important to realize that narcissistic behavior arises when an incredible amount of self-anxiety and doubt becomes repressed and turns into totalizing horrible arrogance, etc. That is - somewhere deep down inside, your parents are anxious about being helpful --- even if the way it manifests is utterly horrible and shitty and bad for you. The former is not a justification for the latter at all, but it's worth acknowledging so you can be strategic about how they can be less shitty.
So: tell them about all the stuff that's going good in your life, no matter how they might respond or cut you down. Also (I think this is very important): ask them for advice, and actually implement that advice.
Of course, it means that you have to be careful about what advice to ask about. Asking about things they know very well is often best -- recipes and cooking processes, are a pretty safe zone.
Ask: "I'm trying to cook this dish, and it's not turning out well - what kind of spices should I use?" and actually implement their advice: "here's a photo of how well it came out!". In my own experience, these micro-acts of actively fulfilling the parental-child dynamic will perform as a pressure release, which makes all other communication better because they feel like they've helped you, they've regained some sort of confidence as a parental figure, you've incorporated their words into your life in a non-oppressive harmless way, etc.
It's possible that when this happens, they might want to start (or continue) giving you advice on other aspects of your life, expecting that you'll heed as well. This is when 1) and 2) come back in, in which you change the conversation by leaving, taking a break, etc.
==
You have to be strategic, and acclimate them over time, slowly. It sucks. I'm sure you want to talk about everything, just be who you are, etc, but I don't think that will actually work very well -- it sounds like it hasn't before, and you've already decided that a split strategy of this 'dual identity' is the best way so far to go about your life --- which I'm sure is very taxing.
Your parents might change, but very very slowly and only by a small amount. It may take two years before you have a different relationship with them. (It's taken me more than five years for my parents to get adjusted to my hairstyle (!), and it still is a point of contention, albeit much lighter). But it's possible, over time. It'll happen because of you, not because of them. As an adult, I think you have to understand that the roles have changed, and you need to be able to slowly start defining the relationship for them, in a strategic and careful way.
I hope that helps - that's just from my experience. Feel free to memail me for more conversation.
posted by suedehead at 10:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll second going to therapy with a therapist who has direct experience with these issues. Also, seconding that you should to achieve financial independence with your parents.
But - I think some of the other commenters are well-meaning but not very helpful. So three suggestions:
1) Use actions to change communication
In my personal experience, one of the most helpful things that I've learned in dealing with a similar parental dynamic is realizing that conversations, discussions, or words were not the way in which change happened. Not that these aren't important, but the largest thing over time that changed my dynamic with my parents (1st gen, different culture, high expectation, etc) was my behavior and the actions I took -- and understanding that words are important mostly because they're symptoms of emotions.
It probably doesn't help that you're probably speaking in a language that either you or your parents will be less comfortable with (whether it's in English or in Urdu/Pashto/etc), and so thus easier for everyone to fall into pre-established patterns -- which lend themselves to harsh language, negative comments, etc. I bet there are phrases that you've heard a million times over and over, etc.
Consider that you have to acclimate them to different actions, not in terms of words. If you find yourself falling into patterns of conversations, figure out non-conversational non-verbal ways to change the dynamic - going somewhere else in the house, talking on the phone only for a few minutes. If you find that the conversation is getting heated, excuse yourself to the bathroom and wait for a few minutes, and come back out. Sometimes words can be the symptom of emotions, and you need to find other ways to deal with emotions that aren't by answering words with words.
2) Gently acclimate them to things, over long periods of time
Consider that you have to provide them with a bit of exposure therapy, gently acclimating them to things. Gently hint at something new on the phone ("I went on a date"), and when/if the conversation gets heated, gently mention that you have to hang up because you have to go to a meeting, and that you can talk about it later. Repeat. Over many months or years, this might be something that they get used to -- "get used to" as in, will tolerate, or won't yell at you when you bring it up. If they get used to something over a year, that would be a win.
3) Give them positive feedback.
I think it's very important to realize that narcissistic behavior arises when an incredible amount of self-anxiety and doubt becomes repressed and turns into totalizing horrible arrogance, etc. That is - somewhere deep down inside, your parents are anxious about being helpful --- even if the way it manifests is utterly horrible and shitty and bad for you. The former is not a justification for the latter at all, but it's worth acknowledging so you can be strategic about how they can be less shitty.
So: tell them about all the stuff that's going good in your life, no matter how they might respond or cut you down. Also (I think this is very important): ask them for advice, and actually implement that advice.
Of course, it means that you have to be careful about what advice to ask about. Asking about things they know very well is often best -- recipes and cooking processes, are a pretty safe zone.
Ask: "I'm trying to cook this dish, and it's not turning out well - what kind of spices should I use?" and actually implement their advice: "here's a photo of how well it came out!". In my own experience, these micro-acts of actively fulfilling the parental-child dynamic will perform as a pressure release, which makes all other communication better because they feel like they've helped you, they've regained some sort of confidence as a parental figure, you've incorporated their words into your life in a non-oppressive harmless way, etc.
It's possible that when this happens, they might want to start (or continue) giving you advice on other aspects of your life, expecting that you'll heed as well. This is when 1) and 2) come back in, in which you change the conversation by leaving, taking a break, etc.
==
You have to be strategic, and acclimate them over time, slowly. It sucks. I'm sure you want to talk about everything, just be who you are, etc, but I don't think that will actually work very well -- it sounds like it hasn't before, and you've already decided that a split strategy of this 'dual identity' is the best way so far to go about your life --- which I'm sure is very taxing.
Your parents might change, but very very slowly and only by a small amount. It may take two years before you have a different relationship with them. (It's taken me more than five years for my parents to get adjusted to my hairstyle (!), and it still is a point of contention, albeit much lighter). But it's possible, over time. It'll happen because of you, not because of them. As an adult, I think you have to understand that the roles have changed, and you need to be able to slowly start defining the relationship for them, in a strategic and careful way.
I hope that helps - that's just from my experience. Feel free to memail me for more conversation.
posted by suedehead at 10:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know this is a rather old post, but it describes my own life down to the tee. Only child of Muslim Pakistani over-bearing parents, never feeling good enough, wanting to leave and yet riddled with extreme guilt. sigh. I understand completely. I just wanted to say if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.
posted by KTN at 8:33 PM on October 2, 2015
posted by KTN at 8:33 PM on October 2, 2015
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That said, there's an inherent conflict between relying on their financial support and wanting them to treat/perceive you as Autonomous Golden Girl. They think they have rights to establish and enforce behavior norms because they're enabling your lifestyle. Like all parents, they don't like to pay for things of which they disapprove.
You are 30 years old. Work on becoming financially independent. Then you'll also have better footing for the difficult conversations about family resources and choices that all children must have with aging parents.
posted by carmicha at 4:51 AM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]