Second-time parenting, how does that work?

March 7, 2013 8:07 AM

Tell me about your daily schedules, parenting logistics, etc., with a newborn plus a toddler or older child.

Our second child is due this summer-- existing daughter will be 4ish at that point, and home except for a two-hour preschool 3x per week. My partner is a great and active parent, but I'll be home doing most of the daytime childcare for at least the first few months.

With Daughter, we took full advantage of the wealth of internet advice on first-time parenting, and thanks to that info, I feel like we did get the hang of things fairly readily. This time around, though, I've been surprised (and a little freaked out) by how much less information seems to be available on the practical details of adding a new baby to an existing family system. Not too worried about the emotional aspects of adjusting, etc.; but I am pretty perplexed about the logistics of things-- like, for example:

• First time around I used baby's naps to do housework and catch up on desperately-needed sleep of my own. Now that there's another kid to be looked after while the baby sleeps, will I just never sleep, and never get any housework done?
• Standard preschooler naps (early afternoon) are timed in precise opposition to standard baby naps (late morning, late afternoon). If, at any given point, somebody (not me, ugh) is always napping, then how is it possible to ever get out of the house for shopping, air, etc.?
• Daughter has always been an ultra-light sleeper-- we currently do a lot of tiptoeing while she's sleeping, and she still wakes up in the morning when our (quiet) alarm goes off in our bedroom down the hall. With a new baby who may him/herself be similarly disposed, how does one avoid the apocalyptic scenario where somebody's always waking somebody else up, so that nobody ever gets back to sleep?
• IIRC, nursing/changing/dressing the baby was a fairly big production every morning-- like, 30 minutes of solid occupation. Dressing Daughter is much less of a production now, but still requires periodic management. How are multiple high-maintenance morning routines to be made compatible with the cooking of breakfast, so that Spouse can get off to work on time?

And so forth. Basically, I know this has done zillions of times throughout history, but I'm still having a hard time getting my head 'round it; so if anyone has insights/ anecdotes/ hacks/ suggestions on coordinating simultaneous full-time parenting of baby + kid, I'd love to hear them. Recommendations for other resources would be wonderful, as well, if there's stuff I'm missing out there. Thanks so much!

posted by Bardolph to human relations (15 answers total)

Second kid, congratulations!

The only hack I can give (because it was simple and it worked for me) is to put Kid #2 into a sling/frontpack and pretty much wear them as you go about your already established routine.

When Kinetic Jr. came along, obviously my entire life changed to accommodate her schedule. And I was similarly concerned about having to juggle the entirely separate needs of 2 kids. Then a friend suggested getting a Baby Bjorn and pretty much continuing my life as it was, instead now I was wearing the baby.

It ended up working very seamlessly and easily for me.
posted by kinetic at 8:31 AM on March 7 [4 favorites]

Congrats on the new addition!!

We have a 3 year old and just added a baby in November. The main difference is that our guy goes to daycare 5x a week and did so even when his sister arrived.

On the weekends, this is what we do:

AM - baby goes with us on errands and schnootzes in the car. Not ideal, but it's either that or one parents stays home with her when she may or may not sleep in her crib and the other runs around with the toddler. She's super portable right now and that makes a huge difference.

PM - both kids nap at the same time. This has only happened recently and what a godsend it has been!

With the 4 year old, can you maybe have her do quiet time in her room during the baby's AM nap so that you can at least get some quiet?

As for morning routine with spouse leaving, our 3 year old loves to supervise the dressing/changing/feeding of baby some of which can be done while he's eating his breakfast. Otherwise, he's running around (and around and around) or playing with his cars. In other words, he's good at keeping himself occupied, but you will grow a third ear to listen for noises that sound like overly curious 3 year olds getting in trouble.

Sleep wise, can you move baby to another room, at least temporarily until he/she has a more definite sleep schedule? I too was worried about our son getting woken up by his sister, but he's learned to either sleep through it or if he is woken up, goes back to sleep.

Adding number two has been crazy and hectic but not as earth shatteringly difficult as going from 0 to 1. Knock on wood.
posted by Leezie at 8:34 AM on March 7 [1 favorite]

Get a sound machine now for the older child....get her used to it.... Best invention ever for a light sleeper.... and congrats!! You'll get the hang of it, things just seem to fall into place...
posted by pearlybob at 8:39 AM on March 7 [2 favorites]

Once I was recovered from birth, my daily routine with my kids was something like this:

-5 am nurse baby
-6-7 sleep
-7 am older child wake up, put on PBS cartoons
-sometime between 7 and 9, get everyone breakfast --- usually interrupted by several nursings
-around 9, start to get ready for the day -- shower, get myself dressed, kids clothes picked out, etc.
-11 am on the dot --- GTFO!!!! Usually stop off at the playground, then walk downtown, etc.
12:30ish --- grab lunch somewhere or begin heading home for lunch
2:00 pm -- let the two year old run wild in the house and pray for my husband to come home soon
3:00ish pm -- more PBS cartoons
4-5ish pm -- WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND????
4:30 - 5:30ish -- Husband comes home, two year old tackles him, husband takes two year old out
6:00 pm Crash to sleep with baby

There was lots of nursing in the sling and the baby sleeping in the sling while I pushed the toddler in a swing at the playground, and a lot of me watching tv on the computer while the toddler tore the house apart.


Weekends = me taking baby to the yarn shop and knitting and nursing and seeing other grown ups on Saturday. Sunday = family and errand day as well as grading day for my husband (who is a teacher)

And, yeah, there were a lot of cartoons, but my then two-almost-three year old had dropped all naps about two months before. It was the closest thing to a nap-like time I could get.

Microwavable foods and a lot of sandwiches. And a lot more hand foods --- bananas, apples, granola bars, etc. And a lot of eating out.
posted by zizzle at 8:45 AM on March 7 [2 favorites]

Congratulations on the second baby! One of the first things you will discover is that each kid will have their own patterns, so things that were easy with the first might be different with the second. There was a tough period where the baby's naps bookended his older brother's nap, so that I was stuck for much of the day. But that doesn't last forever!

A four year old will be competent to do a lot on her own, and may well delight in being a good helper. And when she drops her nap she can still have quiet time in her room so that you get a break.

One of the things I learned from my mom's group is that kids are not wired to wake up at a baby crying, the way adults do. So your older child may surprise you by sleeping through the baby crying.

++++ on comfortable baby carriers, and spending a lot of time on the floor so you can read to or play with your older child while the baby feeds.
posted by ambrosia at 8:53 AM on March 7 [2 favorites]

Yes...totally seconding everything zizzle says, especially the part about microwaveable foods.

This is going to be a time where you'll need to eat well and you're probably going to be too tired to create lots of nutritious meals.

Be open to healthy frozen options, lots of sandwiches, fruit, prepackaged salads, bags of microwaveable vegetables, prepackaged smoothie mixes with some protein powder tossed in, etc.
posted by kinetic at 9:00 AM on March 7

I think that you've pinpointed a lot of the problems that are coming at you -- especially the feeling of getting trapped in the house by incompatible sleep schedules. Baby-wearing seems like a good solution to that one, as the playground may be a critical lifeline, as may playdates with other at-home parents. Expecting things to be hard for several months is also reasonable and may be your best defense. :)

As for the sleeping thing, kids under 12 routinely sleep through fire alarms, so I think we greatly overestimate their ability/willingness to be awakened by a baby more than a couple of times. My in-laws were greatly surprised to discover that their #2 was incapable of waking their light sleeping #1 (my Spouse), after having made Herculean efforts to keep them apart, so I'd go with a sleeping arrangement that works for you otherwise, up until you actually experience a problem.

Also, this might be a good time to ramp out your daughter's preschool hours (to "get her ready for kindergarten," maybe) so that you have a bit more time per day (or the same amount every day) with just one to worry about, and can get a few naps in there, etc. She will probably be old enough to actually enjoy more time with her friends by then anyway.

Good luck! Have yet to hear any parents tell me that two is anything other than a challenge, but, as you say, plenty of folks manage it and survive, so I'm sure you will too!
posted by acm at 9:52 AM on March 7

4-5ish pm -- WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND????

OMG, this, a thousand times!
posted by Leezie at 9:53 AM on March 7 [5 favorites]

Congrats!

My two are about 18 months apart, so I had somewhat different struggles. It won't take long to figure out how to integrate the new babe, it just kind of happens.

Wearing the baby helps a lot. Can you extend the daycare hours for the older child? Two hours is not enough for you to nap or get things done - by the time you get home and unloaded it will be time to pack back up again. Teaching the older child to stay put is very helpful, especially when transitioning in and out of a car. Plan lots of crafty stuff for your four year old to do during quiet time - activities that she can do herself with no intervention from you.

Four year olds will want to be super helpful which can be great! The downside is that their helpful might actually be dangerous. Never leave the baby alone with your older child. We put the PnP outside the playroom so that I could gate olderchild in and she could see the babe, but babe was safely out of reach.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 10:23 AM on March 7

I would suggest if you can't adjust the older child's daycare hours, seeing if you can't arrange for the child to get home by means other than mom....if a neighbor could do it, or another parent at the school, etc.

It will make so much more of a difference if the drop off in particular is removed from mom's care. If nothing else, the baby won't have to be woken back up to get the older child from school.....and nothing sucks more than waking up a sleeping baby.
posted by zizzle at 10:27 AM on March 7 [1 favorite]

"First time around I used baby's naps to do housework and catch up on desperately-needed sleep of my own. Now that there's another kid to be looked after while the baby sleeps, will I just never sleep, and never get any housework done? "

A few months after the second one arrived I finally gave in and hired a housecleaner to come every other week. I should have done it way earlier. It was simply impossible for me to keep up until the baby got a little older.

As for naps, I eventually told my toddler he was going to supervise mommy's nap while the baby napped because I was going to DIE of exhaustion. We'd go up to "the big bed" and I'd lie down with a pillow over my head and give him a book and go to sleep, because getting to go on mom and dad's bed is a treat (and I would wake up from the bed bouncing if he tried to leave) and he felt very important being the "supervisor" of the nap. "Supervise" was the magic word, he loved getting to "supervise" even though it really meant, "sit still and be quiet for half an hour, PLEASE." There was also napping on the couch with Disney movies.

The second time will be easier because you're not learning it all from scratch. Also because you let a lot more things slide with #2. Like, I completely gave up winter outfits that required socks for the second baby and we went ALL FOOTIE JAMMAS, ALL THE TIME.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:43 AM on March 7 [3 favorites]

Will I just never sleep, and never get any housework done?
Your 4yo should be at the age where she can entertain herself so you can do housework and rest (but not sleep deeply, of course).

Standard preschooler naps.....how is it possible to ever get out of the house for shopping, air, etc.?
Your preschooler still naps? Awesome; lucky. You just go out and do what you need to do when you do it. Once your second comes around, your priorities are going to change more than you imagined.

With a new baby who may him/herself be similarly disposed, how does one avoid the apocalyptic scenario where somebody's always waking somebody else up, so that nobody ever gets back to sleep?
Stuff like this works itself out. It does!

How are multiple high-maintenance morning routines to be made compatible with the cooking of breakfast, so that Spouse can get off to work on time?
This is another example of your 4yo needing to "grow up" in a preschooler sense, and she will. She will age quickly once there is a tiny one around. Suddenly, things you had to fight her to do will be done when you aren't even looking.
posted by TinWhistle at 11:19 AM on March 7 [1 favorite]

First time around I used baby's naps to do housework and catch up on desperately-needed sleep of my own. Now that there's another kid to be looked after while the baby sleeps, will I just never sleep, and never get any housework done?
Essentially, yes. At least for a little while. Mine are two and five months, but I'm still pretty much in the "no sleep, catch up on housework in 10 minute increments while baby is napping and toddler is distracted with something" stage. I would imagine though that a four year old could distract herself for a bit longer...??

Standard preschooler naps (early afternoon) are timed in precise opposition to standard baby naps (late morning, late afternoon). If, at any given point, somebody (not me, ugh) is always napping, then how is it possible to ever get out of the house for shopping, air, etc.?
Ditto the "your preschooler still naps? lucky!" sentiment. Personally, I schedule things around my two-year-old's nap, and the baby sleeps wherever he is at the moment. He is by far the better sleeper of the two, though, so he will simply fall asleep anywhere when he is tired, unless seriously overstimulated... car seat, sling, stroller, on my lap etcetera. If you are a strict "naptime is scheduled from 9 to 11 in the CRIB ONLY" type parent, I don't really know what to tell ya, cuz that's not me.

Daughter has always been an ultra-light sleeper-- we currently do a lot of tiptoeing while she's sleeping, and she still wakes up in the morning when our (quiet) alarm goes off in our bedroom down the hall. With a new baby who may him/herself be similarly disposed, how does one avoid the apocalyptic scenario where somebody's always waking somebody else up, so that nobody ever gets back to sleep?
I have this situation all the time, mostly the other way around - 2-year-old wakes baby - and honestly it's a pain in the ass. But hopefully you can get the four-year-old to stay quiet through distraction and explaining that the baby needs to sleep... Will they be in separate rooms? Can you get to the baby before s/he wakes preschooler? I cosleep with the little one, so it's rare that he gets worked up enough to wake his sister, but that also depends a lot on the baby's temperament. Some things just have to be muddled through and worked out as you go.

IIRC, nursing/changing/dressing the baby was a fairly big production every morning-- like, 30 minutes of solid occupation. Dressing Daughter is much less of a production now, but still requires periodic management. How are multiple high-maintenance morning routines to be made compatible with the cooking of breakfast, so that Spouse can get off to work on time?
So wait, are both of you working? Why do they both have to be ready before your spouse leaves? If you have to do things to help Spouse get ready, I would just nurse the baby, set them up with something to do (my method is: baby on blanket on the floor with toys or in his swing, toddler gets a bowl of cereal in her high chair and sometimes gets to watch a little bit of sesame street) and do the getting dressed stuff later.

Really, for a while there are going to have to be compromises and it's going to take some juggling, but it will work itself out. Be prepared for the first few months to be fairly chaotic, but it won't last forever!
posted by celtalitha at 11:49 AM on March 7

Also, about the getting-ready routine: If you've already gotten through the learning curve with one, two is going to be MUCH easier. I remember when E. (my daughter) was born, it was like an hour task to get out of the house to go anywhere, and the thought of running to the store to get milk or something was overwhelming - all the things to pack, stuff to remember, nursing to time so that she wouldn't get cranky in the middle of the store, carseats to juggle etcetera. It was crazy.

With my son? It's just a little bit of extra tacked onto that original routine, which by now is like second nature. And heck, your four-year-old probably won't go bolting across parking lots like my toddler does when I'm trying to herd both of them into the car or into a store. You'll be fine!
posted by celtalitha at 11:55 AM on March 7

I have a 19 month old and a 6 week old. So far, I have two major priorities: the toddler's naps and the baby's feedings. The toddler gets meals/playtime with me when the baby's not eating. The baby gets naps whenever. The only times I make a concerted effort to put him down are when the toddler is sleeping. The rest of the time he's in the wrap.

Cooking and cleaning is now done while the toddler is awake, or it's not done at all. He can either help or entertain himself.

Right now, we basically only get dressed as our clothes get soiled which is at least once a day. Sometimes the toddler does manage to stay in PJs all day, and that is FINE.

Most days I do manage to get them both sleeping for a chunk of time. That's when I either nap or bathe, depending on whether I feel more exhausted or dirty.
posted by that's how you get ants at 5:57 AM on March 8