The sheets... they float
June 5, 2014 12:28 PM   Subscribe

My partner, for the lack of a better term, is a "squirter". NSFW details inside.

I don't even know how to phrase this, so I'll jump right in. My girlfriend enjoys deep vaginal penetration -- really deep -- along with g spot stimulation. I enjoy it too, so we're good there. We're monogamous, tested and comfortable exchanging all sorts of fluids.

The hitch is, she seems filled, and I mean *filled*, with some bottomless reservoir of unknowable liquid and we are shredding bedding.

We had a stash of those hospital absorbent pad things, but they don't last forever. Beach towels are vanishing quickly and we just can't afford to buy any more sheets or mattress pads. We have adolescents around so can't fully rubberize the bed or do anything too radical. I'm at a loss, and was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about possibly reducing the fluid output while maintaining the full orgasmic goodness of that explosive release? Does that even make sense?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Have you tried having fun in the bathtub?
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:29 PM on June 5, 2014

I'm confused about this. Are you destroying all this bedding, or just soiling it nightly?

Can you not just wash this stuff? It sounds like a lot of laundry, but certainly cheaper and easier than buying new every time you have sex.
posted by Sara C. at 12:31 PM on June 5, 2014 [22 favorites]

The "Throe" is a bedspread that has an inner waterproof liner. It is specifically designed for wet sex. Liquids just bead up and it's machine washable! They're like $80 online. Same brand that makes the Liberator sex positioning wedges.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:33 PM on June 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

A bit expensive, but what about a Fascinator Throe.
posted by amileighs at 12:34 PM on June 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

You need a washable incontinence bed pad. Available on Amazon or any random medical supply store. They make ones that are large & quilted so it's not like you'd feel like you were doing it on plastic.
posted by crayon at 12:41 PM on June 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

Yeah, my friend (no, really, my friend) whose body includes that feature really likes their Liberator Throe (linked above.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:44 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm not clear on why having adolescents in the house means you can't put a rubber sheet under your fabric sheet, and then wash the fabric sheet.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:16 PM on June 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

...and we are shredding bedding

Hey, can you clarify what you mean by this phrase? Do the chemicals from her squirting break down the fibers of the bed lining? Or the sheets are wet and easily torn as you guys go at it? Or are y'all just throwing out the bedding?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:51 PM on June 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Sounds like what you need is a fuck towel. Get an old bathtowel or beach towel that you don't care about any more, lay that down when y'all are gonna get busy, have at it, and just keep rewashing the towel. Keep it under the bed or something, so it's in easy reach but also not likely to be added back into regular use.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:57 PM on June 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

A friend of mine purchased something from brolly sheets.
We tested it and found it surprisingly efficacious. It also comes in a nice innocent blue gingham, so hanging it on the washing line afterwards wasn't as embarrassing as it might have been.
posted by b33j at 2:27 PM on June 5, 2014

Another happy vote for the Liberator Throe, we have two and they are definitely awesome. The ability to drag them to various areas of the house other than the bed comes in, uh, handy.

Comfortable, too!
posted by homotopy at 2:36 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yeah - a 'friend', um, told me about his partner having this problem...before you go spending any money on special equipment, like Empress says, just use towels first. They also have the added benefit of turning the hips for better access. You probably already have some, and they just go in the wash with everything else.
posted by AzraelBrown at 3:03 PM on June 5, 2014

If the waterproof stuff is for some reason not around, do it over the edge of the bed, depending on your floor situation. Usually there is some warning, right?
posted by 8603 at 3:50 PM on June 5, 2014

Luna makes great waterproof mattress pads. I have one mostly in case of dog accidents but it has many protective uses...
posted by radioamy at 3:59 PM on June 5, 2014

Use a waterproof barrier with a towel on top. A plastic-backed dropcloth would work. Those are fairly cheap and can be washed when necessary. An old shower curtain would also work in a pinch, just put something on top to absorb the outflow.

If your partner really wants to minimize the fluid production, maybe drink less water in the few hours leading up to your encounters? Or have some clit-focused orgasms and save the g-spot stimulating stuff for a big finale? Have sex in the bathroom?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 4:23 PM on June 5, 2014

At the risk of outing myself, I'm a guy who really enjoys women who squirt and have been lucky to have several like-minded partners. In my experience there's a range of volume from "a little wetter than usual" to "where did that come from?" and occasionally "we're gonna need a bigger boat." However— rarely have I found activities to exceed the capacity of a couple strategically-placed towels. So I'm with EmpressCallipygos on the fuck towels; keep them handy, wash them often, and make sure your guests can't inadvertently grab the wrong ones.
posted by a halcyon day at 4:44 PM on June 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Go to thrift store.

Buy a big pile of old towels.

Keep them under the bed.
posted by latkes at 8:07 PM on June 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Waterproof mattress protector, folded towel or two, and don't be afraid to take a loo break before the real fun starts.

Or so I've heard :-)
posted by wrm at 12:55 AM on June 6, 2014

This from IKEA is waterproof.
posted by persona au gratin at 2:24 AM on June 6, 2014

Waterproof mattress protector underneath the sheets. It stains but will keep the water out of the mattress. Just wash it along with the sheets and you will be fine.

Also edge of the bed is better , rather than middle.
posted by radsqd at 8:18 AM on June 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

Rubberized mattress liner plus like ten large quilted incontinence pads (rubberized, absorption core) so you can rotate them. I had a partner who produced litres of fluid, and we finally managed to contain it this way.
posted by ead at 8:22 AM on June 6, 2014

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