Hug-gasm

March 2, 2011 5:19 PM

After talking about it a while ago and deciding to let it happen, my girlfriend had a 50 minute orgasm without any genital stimulation.

We're both virgins and inexperienced, but not ignorant of the complications of the world of sex. She has even taken entire courses about sex for her degree. I say this because this whole thing sounds pretty incredible and people might understandably have doubts that I'm correctly describing what was going on, but I really doubt that, even as inexperienced as we are.

Anyways, I always keep my hands away from the underwear areas, and clothes always stay on. Hand-on-skin contact is limited to commonly exposed areas, e.g. arms, legs, face, neck, and recently also lower back and a little tummy. We just get really passionate and intense even with those limitations. So. Sitting on the couch today, I rubbed her lower back under her shirt for a few minutes, (well clear of the panty-line,) and I kissed her neck, and she just erupted into this incredibly long and intense orgasm. She wasn't just massively turned on, it was a legitimate orgasm. After she started I was feeling cautious and conservative, so I stopped everything except hugging and squirming a little with her when I couldn't help it. (Still, pretty mild types of movements, to be honest.) She just kept going, climax after climax. Mind you, this was all in a sitting position, her "side-saddle" on my lap--we weren't lying down. She had never "let it happen" before and it only stopped because we forced it to. I'm just wondering how the mechanics of this work. I am having a hard time finding material that talks about anything quite like this. Is this common? Is it because we're virgins and new to it? Can we expect to experience this much more? Can we expect it after we've had a lot of normal intercourse? How long could she have gone if we hadn't stopped it?

PS: It occurs to me that many people simply can't believe that orgasm without intercourse or genital stimulation is possible. That's fine, but go argue with someone else about it, I have been convinced by what I've heard/read of it, and by this experience: neither of us have any doubts that this was full orgasm.

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total)

Not to rain on your parade, but if you are reporting accurately, this sounds like (for all the caressing you were doing) that it might possibly have been some kind of seizure?
posted by softlord at 5:21 PM on March 2, 2011 [27 favorites]

Can you tell us, clearly, why you think this was an orgasm without using the word "orgasm"?
posted by pourtant at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Are you sure she wasn't like squeezing her thighs or clenching (like kegel-style)? Otherwise this just seems very unlikely.
posted by elpea at 5:37 PM on March 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

anything is possible, especially when *everything* is new to you. instead of questioning it just enjoy it! you may find that analyzing it will make it harder to happen again and that would be sad to see this happiness drift away because you were determined to break it down to a science. enjoy!
posted by citystalk at 5:38 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

orgasm without intercourse or genital stimulation is possible

Oh, it's completely possible - your brain is your biggest and best sex organ. People with severe spinal cord injuries have reported having orgasms (though not necessarily frequently or reliably).

What I'm wondering about is the 50-minute part. She sat (half-sat, whatever) on you for nearly an hour, and was coming the whole time? Has she masturbated? That is, can she stimulate herself with fingers or a toy until she comes? Does she know what it feels like?

(I don't want to be condescending. When I was first becoming a sexually aware being, I thought I was having orgasms because OMG this feels so good! And it did! But then I had an orgasm and it was quite different.)

In any case - whatever! Enjoy it! Have fun!
posted by rtha at 5:41 PM on March 2, 2011 [21 favorites]

I think you are over rating what taking a sexualities course will teach you. Or I took the wrong one.

IANAD, but it might be possible, likely...no.

I would not leap to conclusions about what happened. All of the questions can be answered with a romantic weekend and time. No one can answer these questions, but you can learn the answers and learning the answers is way more fun then finding them on the internet.
posted by Felex at 5:47 PM on March 2, 2011

For what it's worth, hypothetically, my wife may or may not have found a place on my upper back when we were dating which, when hit just right, triggered the mental but not physical effects of an orgasm. It'd last about as long as she kept touching it, and even more strangely, happened to make me breath so slowly that I'd sneeze... which sort of spoiled the usefulness but was none the less fascinating. The whole thing doesn't work as well now though, and I did have a spinal/brain injury that I'm fully recovered from now, which might be why it doesn't work anymore.
posted by jwells at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2011

You sound really excited.

But to answer your questions....

Is this common? Not at all. That's why everyone is so skeptical. It's the 50-minute part that has everyone wondering whether it was actually an orgasm. A minute would be a long orgasm.

Is it because you're virgins? I would imagine so. Extreme sexual tension.

Can we expect to experience this a lot more? I wouldn't think so. She might very well have orgasms like this but even that is rare and 50 minutes sounds extraordinarily long.

Can we expect it after we have regular intercourse. I doubt it because the sexual tension will go down. But certainly possible occasionally. It's just the 50-minute part....

How long could she have gone? Isn't 50 minutes long enough?!!! Sounds rather excruciating.

All that said, keep having fun!
posted by semacd at 5:59 PM on March 2, 2011

Stuff like extended orgasms and mental orgasms (with no physical manipulation of body parts) and tantric orgasms definitely exist, but they are very unreliable and often difficult to achieve. A lot of information about tantric sex is also, of course, intermingled with loads of psuedo-religious chakra nonsense, so you're not going to get too much reliable information about it.

It's certainly possible that your girlfriend experienced a series of multiple, stacking orgasms, and if the two of you continue exploring this you might find that she has a hair trigger or just that certain mental states allow her to have some lovely slow-burning sexual pleasure. But people's sexual responses, preferences, and desires change over time. When I was younger, mental orgasms were practically de rigeur for me; it was awesome but somewhere around 21 years old I just... stopped being able to. It's important not to expect something so extended and impressive as what your girlfriend had every time.

I'd say, just concentrate on the many different ways that you can make each other feel good, and see what's available between the two of you. There are certainly many different types of orgasms, but orgasms are also not always the point of sex (or physical enjoyment between people, whatever you want to call it.)
posted by Mizu at 6:01 PM on March 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

I think she gave you an ego boost.
posted by Houstonian at 6:07 PM on March 2, 2011 [26 favorites]

I would tend to want to rule out any medical conditions or mistaken preconceptions before assuming that someone mostly inexperienced at the whole thing had a protracted orgasm.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 6:12 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Are you sure you don't mean 50 seconds?
posted by amro at 6:18 PM on March 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Is this common?

—No.

Is it because we're virgins and new to it?

—Yes.

Can we expect to experience this much more?

—No.

Can we expect it after we've had a lot of normal intercourse?

—No.

How long could she have gone if we hadn't stopped it?

—You shouldn't have stopped it. Now we'll never know.
posted by bricoleur at 6:20 PM on March 2, 2011 [15 favorites]

Mind you, this was all in a sitting position, her "side-saddle" on my lap

Are you male? Were you aroused? 'Cause, um, if so... They're sort of lined up, is all.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:23 PM on March 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sys Rq says what I'm thinking. If you were aroused, then there might have been some additional stimulation that you're not thinking of.
posted by Night_owl at 6:33 PM on March 2, 2011

Sorry, but 50 minutes of near continuous orgasm pushes the limits of what is biologically, neurologically credible. Even women have refractory periods, of some sort. Nerves get maxed out and past a certain point no more increase in stimulation is going to trigger a neural response and you just can't keep coming. The whole system needs to settle a little before handling more input. Also, the smooth muscle that contracts during orgasm is probably not able to hold a contraction that long without chemical or electrical interference. Could she have had a string of multiple orgasms, relatively closely spaced from someone just touching her back? I suppose, but hard to believe. Did she orgasm non-stop for 50 minutes? No.

So, she is either a medical freak in the best possible way or she just doesn't understand what an orgasm is. As a scientist, I'm going to go with option #2.
posted by slow graffiti at 6:34 PM on March 2, 2011 [36 favorites]

I don't know what your beliefs are on the relationship between spirituality and human sexuality, but just in case you're interested, here's a book that may help answer some of your questions from a spiritual perspective:

Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil by Jenny Wade, Ph.D.
posted by velvet winter at 6:40 PM on March 2, 2011

What I don't understand is how, if this was happening without genital contact, you were able to "force it" to stop. I mean, when I'm having an intense orgasm, it's not like I can get up and walk it off.

That being said, I'm a multiply orgasmic woman who has pretty strong/powerful ones and orgasms from all sorts of positions and I'm really very skeptical that it's even physiologically possible to have one for that long. To be honest, I suspect she faked it. And because you're inexperienced, you're more likely to buy this very big fish story.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:43 PM on March 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

That YOU were not stimulating her genital area did not mean that SHE was not stimulating her genital area by squeezing and squirming, which, if we're aroused, can be pretty easy to do depending on our individual topography.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 6:47 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

slow graffiti is probably right, it was probably a series of orgasms. Just the right mindset, just the right position, just the right kind of underpants wedgie. Considering that there wasn't any genital stimulation (besides the possible above), I don't see it as impossible that this happened this way. But it was probably a 50 minute 95%-gasm. She was (likely) just peaking right near full orgasm, over and over again.

Also, who cares? Did she like it? That's all that matters.
posted by gjc at 6:47 PM on March 2, 2011

when I was younger and with my first boyfriend, I faked a lot because I was nervous and didnt want to disappoint him.
A year later he told me he knew I was faking it because I was bad at it.
Looking back, I must have looked silly. I didn't pretend 50 minute orgasms... but almost as ridiculous.
posted by KogeLiz at 6:49 PM on March 2, 2011

I am having a hard time finding material that talks about anything quite like this. Is this common?

All I can tell you is that I'm a female who's had a whole lotta orgasms, and has many straight and gay female friends who are super knowledgable about these sorts of things, and I've never heard of anything like this, at all. So no, I don't think it's common. Not to burst your balloon, but I have to be really honest: I think the most likely explanation is she was faking it. Not because I don't believe in orgasm without intercourse, etc. Just because this is unheard of, and it's VERY heard of for women to pretend to be having orgasms for whatever reason. So, Occam's razor...
posted by Ashley801 at 6:50 PM on March 2, 2011

Was she all tingly, shaking, alternately tensed and relaxed? Quick, shallow breathing? By forcing it to stop, did you have to slow her breathing, let her get a little less dizzy?

Yup, sounds like an orgasm. It also sounds like hyperventilation.

I've experienced both, and they have some fundamentally similar properties. But to two virgins with the whole wide world of sex to experience, one can really be mistaken for the other.

Has she masturbated and orgasmed, or was this her very very first ever?

In either case, kudos for having a grand old time, and don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen again!
posted by thatbrunette at 6:55 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Somebody here is either lying or mistaken.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:56 PM on March 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I'm just wondering how the mechanics of this work.

On second thought, have you ever seen a religious service where people get taken over by the Holy Ghost and speak in tongues, shake, writhe, etc? They believe they're feeling something real. So she might not have been "faking" anything per se. If she kept it up for 50 minutes she was clearly feeling *something* she enjoyed even if it might not be an "orgasm." But the "mechanism" might have actually been completely mental.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:02 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

[folks, this is not your lulz party. Either be helpful or do not answer the question. Thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 7:06 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

The no-genital-contact part is pretty common. Lots of women can pull that one off. I can do it myself (with/without a partner, and both awake and asleep) with relative ease.

But the length of it? I really doubt that's anything akin to common. I'm certain that it would be impossible for me, as I would either pass out or puke. Seriously, I don't think I could stomach an intense orgasm that lasted longer than a couple minutes or so, including aftershocks. What you're describing is the sexual equivalent of eating 6 gallons of Dove Caramel Pecan ice cream in a single sitting -- a little bit is fantastic; way, way, way too much would just result in a massive headache and a lot of ick.

But either way, you guys both had a good time, right? Roll with it, and try not to overthink it.
posted by heyho at 7:29 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Uh, not to brag or anything, but I often experience what I call energy orgasms, which are waves of shudders accompanied by a pleasurable sense of release.

The sensation may or may not be genitally focused and can arise in response to various types of stimulus, including deep massage, biting, nipple play, spanking, blow jobs, and bondage. Under the right circumstances, the waves of release can build upon each other with only a brief refractory period, each set lowering the threshold for the next in a rolling feedback loop that can go on for quite some time.

I've found it difficult to find information about this. Most descriptions of female orgasms assume there is only one type of orgasm, produced only by clitoral stimulation. I understand that this is a reaction to the even more rigid and limited vaginal-only model -- and believe me, I recognize and love clitoral orgasms -- but these are something quite different. The closest thing I've found is in the descriptions of tantric orgasms or kriyas.

Please don't let the World's Greatest Living Experts in this thread (many of whom are presumably male-bodied) bum you and your girlfriend out by asserting that she must be ill, or mistaken, or worse yet, faking it and trying to deceive you.

I'm a woman in my early 50s, and the older I get, the more shades and variations of pleasure I recognize -- and the less interested I am in trying to define whether any given spasm of bliss is or is not a "real" orgasm, particularly according to somebody else's definition. I just let the waves roll through and enjoy the ride.

Trust your lover and the experiences you share, enjoy your explorations, and thank your lucky stars to have a partner with such an amazing capacity for pleasure. And read up about male multiple orgasm -- male bodies have their own miraculous modes of pleasure that most people never even dream of and would not believe if they did.
posted by Gender is the Soul's Pajamas at 7:58 PM on March 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

From the OP:

This thread is full of a lot of "lol-virgin" comments, some of which have actually been a little helpful, though overall I'm disappointed. I'm not sure how much of it is because I specifically asked for there not to be a debate on whether it was an orgasm ("don't think about horses") and how much comes down to a semantic misunderstanding. It seems when I say "orgasm" everyone else thinks what I call "climax" or "peak." She wasn't climaxing the entire time. It would have been better for me to call it multiple orgasms. I thought that a reader in good faith would understand that. Anyway sorry for using the wrong word there and the confusion it caused.

To those of you who were a little more generous in addressing my question, thank you. I hope that more people will be willing to contribute in a way other than doubting that she had multiple orgasms for almost an hour.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it having happened this intensely and this easily. Are we really the freaks that it seems y'all think we are? Or has the ridicule mostly been a reaction to my overly excited awkward description? I am genuinely concerned. This seems like it could be a problem if it happens all the time, way too easily, or if it never happens again, or if she (or I) expect it to always happen. I get that it's unusual, but I was hoping to be reassured that some people can relate and maybe offer some genuine advice on what implications this could have on our relationship.

posted by mathowie at 8:09 PM on March 2, 2011

Gender is the Soul's Pajamas - I think you're right. There are many different kinds of pleasurable sensations and it's not really something most people talk about. I often get that type of feeling down the back of my neck and spine in certain situations (usually not even involving physical contact). It feels great and I have no name for it.

But the OP is the one who seemed quite hung up on the term "orgasm" and doing the detective work as to whether or not what happened was "official" or something. We can't answer his question about whether this thing will happen again easily.

Everyone's body is different. Women come in SO many different ways. Just squeezing our legs together does it for some. A lot of it is purely mental. There's no way for us to know what was going on here. I'm still confused as to what would be a satisfying resolution to this query.
posted by pourtant at 8:17 PM on March 2, 2011

Okay, fine, benefit of the doubt that nobody is lying or mistaken here. ENJOY IT. It has no serious implications, she is probably medically fine, and so what if her orgasms happen 'too easily'- are you ashamed to have a girlfriend who is easily turned on? It will probably not be this way her whole life, but who knows. If everything is as you say, you have a gift horse* and you best stop looking it in the mouth.

*your girlfriend is not a horse.
posted by slow graffiti at 8:19 PM on March 2, 2011

I am genuinely concerned. This seems like it could be a problem if it happens all the time, way too easily, or if it never happens again, or if she (or I) expect it to always happen.

Nah. Don't expect it to happen again, but if it does, cool. I think she might be faking but if you're convinced she's not, then just enjoy it.
posted by amro at 8:30 PM on March 2, 2011

A simple way to answer your questions would be to masturbate your girlfriend a few times, and see how the experiences compare. Practical experience can help with these things. Speaking as a person with a high libido, I don't think there's much to worry about here.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 8:33 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I agree with slow graffiti. I've never found there to be such a thing as "too much orgasm" as far as my partners are concerned. I think that is part of the reason why there was some skepticism from the crowd above -- the situation you describe is definitely pretty extreme, but it's a "problem" that plenty of people would be delighted to have and so your concern seems a bit strange. I'm really having a hard time finding the drawbacks of having a girlfriend who is able to have apparently limitless orgasms with the touch of a finger -- I've had partners who were nearly that easy to get off (dozens of orgasms in a session, though never as continuous as what you describe) and it was never anything but fun.

I suppose maybe if you expect this to last though then you might be in for a bit of disappointment. People do tend to develop a bit less of a hair-trigger with time (I know I used to go off a lot more easily, though being a guy I'm glad to have more endurance now) and something as extreme as this just strikes me as somehow unsustainable. Maybe she's really some kind of curiosity (I mean, we're sort of in uncharted territory here) and she'll always be like this, but I'd expect to see some tapering off. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that this means you are losing your touch, or that she's becoming less attracted to you, or anything like that. It just happens as people get more experience in general, and also as they get more experience with each other and the sexual tension drops off some. It's totally normal, and doesn't mean you can't still have fun.

So basically what I'm saying is enjoy it while it lasts, but try not to worry too much if it doesn't. And maybe keep half an eye out for other oddities of a medical nature -- this is something that's really so extreme that it just might be a sign of some underlying neurological condition. I wouldn't worry too much about that as long as there's nothing causing an actual problem, but if anything else does come up maybe you should have it in the back of your mind.

Have fun, you lucky dogs you!
posted by Scientist at 8:40 PM on March 2, 2011

It would have been better for me to call it multiple orgasms. I thought that a reader in good faith would understand that.

Not as such. There's kind of a big difference between "one super-long one" and "lots of little ones", because the "lots of little ones" have non-orgasmic bits in between.

And multiple orgasms with bits in between does happen. As to whether it'll happen again....maybe? Everyone's wired a little differently. Some do, some don't. Some get one big orgasm and then...aftershocks. If you're enjoying yourself, then roll with whatever happens.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:53 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, if what she was enjoying was rolling, multiple orgasms, that's relatively common, but still sought-after. She should explore herself on her own time (and with you) and see if she can figure out how to intensify individual peaks, or extend that sweet spot some people have right before coming, or whatever else she wants to enjoy!

I've definitely enjoyed those "energy orgasms" that Gender is the Soul's Pajamas talks about, and the shivers that pourtant mentioned (I call them frissons!) and if your girlfriend has found a way to enjoy those on cue, more power to her. Please don't think of yourselves as "freaks".

As for implications for your relationship, I can only suggest that you try to take pleasure in her pleasure, and never make her feel ashamed for having more or better orgasms than you, or anything like that. As someone with somewhat of a hair trigger, I've been made to feel, in past relationships, like it's unfair for me to come more than my partner, and that's just not cool.
posted by Mizu at 9:34 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

It sounds like she was probably "edging" for 50 minutes. Sex (and sex acts) feel really good *before* orgasm, too.
posted by iguanapolitico at 8:06 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

A. This is called dry humping. That's a long time for an "orgasm" to last, but I guess if she's inexperienced that maybe she doesn't understand what a real orgasm feels like or is describing her feelings in an unconventional manner.

B. If neither of you were touching her lady parts, you cannot possibly know whether she had an orgasm or not. I know female orgasms seem sort of nebulous, but really and truly, there is a very specific physiological thing that happens to women when we have orgasms. It's actually much harder to fake an orgasm than one would think, if one has an experienced partner who has felt that particular sensation before.

C. I don't want to overshare, but there are certain things that a partner can do to me which are totally "hiding behind a tree at the church picnic" appropriate, but which will result in extremely intense physical sensations for me. I'm not sure how usual this is, but it's certainly possible. I've met men who had similarly unlikely orgasmatron buttons, as well.

D. You sound like you're afraid that you had sex, or that this is somehow wrong, dirty, shameful, whatever. One of the realities that mature people understand about sex is that it's not as cut and dry as the Abstinence Only youth group lecture makes it out to be. It's totally possible to have intense sexual experiences while remaining fully clothed with both feet on the floor. It's also totally possible to have the most explicit monkey-sex ever and experience nothing at all, emotionally. Sex is a lot weirder than you've apparently been led to believe. Welcome to adulthood!

E. This reminds me a little bit of how Amazingly Shitfaced Puking In The Bushes Drunk some of my friends used to get after drinking half a can of Coors Light back in high school. Sometimes the allure of the forbidden is enough to play tricks on the mind. Also, let's face it, rebellion is sexy.
posted by Sara C. at 10:01 AM on March 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

I'm not really sure how I feel about it ... Are we really the freaks ... I am genuinely concerned... This seems like it could be a problem...

Oh calm down. You did a fun thing. It was fun. Do it again if you want to. The worst thing that could happen is that you have fun again.

The surest way to kill a good time is to overanalyze it.
posted by ook at 1:13 PM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

I can have a very orgasm like sensation from lower back massage, in about the area you describe. I've always put it down to the fact I have a very sedentary job and if my husband rubs there it releases the tension. Once it gets going it feels wonderful and very much like an g spot orgasm. Which I guess it is orgasms pretty much are a release of tension. Once its started if I concentrate on keeping the area relaxed on it I can keep the sensations cycling for maybe 20 mins or so (though going to try for 50 next time).

From the reponses here though I am guessing its not common, though I love people assuming because they don't get that response its fake.

The first time it happened to me I was in 20's and getting a nice swedish massage at a spa. Very embarrassing. I've also had a similar reaction in one of those shiatzu massage chairs.

I have always just assumed that because I get a lot of cramps in my back when I have my periods that all that area is connected. So when I don't have my periods and am massaged there the feeling of released tension goes the other way. I have no idea if that's what actually happens, but I figure as long as it happens I'm not going to complain.

Don't worry about it enjoy. Hey if nothing else you can make your girlfriend have a really good time and not cross the boundaries you have set for yourselves. Next time use a heat pad when the psuedo orgasms start, that can really help the sensations along.
posted by wwax at 1:47 PM on March 3, 2011

Early signs of PSAS possibly?
posted by chairface at 4:20 PM on March 3, 2011

First of all, I can verify from personal experience that it is possible to have an orgasm from having one's lower back touched. I've only had this happen once, and have unfortunately not had the chance to test this with repeated trials involving the same subject/fingernail length/technique.

Second, about "pretty mild types of movements, to be honest" -- more vigorous movement does not correlate to more pleasure.

Third, your question seems to be basically: "what can we expect, what's possible, and what if this happens often or never?", which is pretty much something that can only be answered by experimentation -- the combined wisdom of metafilter cannot tell you what a specific person's sexual response will be (at least not without one hell of a meetup). You are worried that some sort of expectation about this could affect your relationship, so don't expect anything specific from further experimentation. The whole point is to see what will happen.

Also, peak of an orgasm <> orgasm.
posted by yohko at 2:41 AM on March 5, 2011