I wasn't supposed to lose the spark this young!
June 1, 2010 9:12 AM Subscribe
Now that I'm having sex I'm finding that it doesn't live up to the hype. What can I do to overcome my disappointment, and more likely, my dysfunction? NSFW.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (55 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
I'll try to keep this short. I'm a newlywed (male) in my mid-twenties, and my wife and I both waited until marriage for sex. Like any big decision that one had its pros and its cons, and I'm here looking for help with the cons.
1. I have a hard time climaxing. I've wanked for years and I can come in a couple minutes or less when I'm going solo. I know everything's functional. It's not nearly so easy when I'm with my wife. Our first time we went at it for a vigorous half hour and eventually gave up because I couldn't climax at all. We tried again a bit later and I finally got there after about twenty minutes. This is completely opposite everything I've ever heard about the 30-second first time a guy's supposed to have. I don't have any trouble getting or keeping an erection though.
2. I've never been athletic. Sex is way more physically demanding than I ever thought it'd be. After such a long period of hard, relentless thrusting, the payoff hardly seems worth it. I can barely feel anything with my penis (I almost can't even tell if I'm still inside my wife, or if I've slipped out accidentally) and even the climax doesn't seem worth the trouble for all the effort. The good news is, I'm getting a workout; the bad news is, I'm having trouble motivating myself to keep at it because it's the most exhausting thing I've ever done.
3. It's not about me, it's about my wife. I want to satisfy her completely. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with the basics and she's ready to move on to more advanced stuff, namely light bondage and rough sex. She wants me to be dominant, holding her down and riding her harder. I'd love to, but I'm gasping for breath even after standard missionary. We tried her style once — and she loved it — but it was so physically strenuous for me that I was drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and unable to move for some time afterward. The thought of doing that again fills me with more fear than desire.
4. My wife and I agreed to be honest with each other about everything, but it's hard to take sometimes. She's telling me that gentle, comfortable, non-exhausting sex isn't fulfilling to her. She wants more and more of what I described in the last paragraph and isn't satisfied with less. I don't know what to do. I don't believe I'm capable of giving her what she wants on a regular basis and it breaks my heart to think that my best might not be good enough. I'm trying to reduce the time it takes me to climax so I don't kill myself from strain, and she doesn't want me to get there faster — because she's barely satisfied by my current half-hour marathons. Maybe making sex both better and briefer aren't mutually exclusive, but I haven't yet figured out how.
5. I desperately want to enjoy her twat but I can't stand the taste or the smell. Or the hair (she shaves part of the area but not everything). We thought that since regular sex is a challenge, oral might work better. She really wants cunnilingus but I just can't keep my face down there without getting seriously grossed out. What can we possibly do to improve the experience? I enjoy fingering her but I don't know what to do with my wet fingers when I'm done. She thinks it's hot when I lick the juices off but I can barely stomach doing even that.
Please help! It's very frustrating for both of us because we're both horny, sex-craving people. I fully expected I'd be a nymphomaniac, pleasuring my wife with ease, but this constant disappointment has really killed it for me. My wife, on the other hand, is a nymphomaniac and I can't seem to deliver what she wants.
Please don't criticize our decision to wait for marriage, or suggest that we give up and look for more compatible partners. The bedroom problems are a sad but small component of an otherwise great relationship. We love each other and are totally committed to work through every obstacle. Which is why I'm asking for help here.
Bonus questions: My wife's on the Pill. She takes it every morning, but not at exactly the same time each day. It's varied by up to five hours. I've heard the timing is very important for this; how concerned should I be? Also, after I come inside her we both like to rest with my penis (and semen) still inside her for a while. Is she more likely to become pregnant if I delay pulling out afterward and don't let the semen drain right away?