After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.
At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.
It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.
Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.
Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.
I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.
Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.
Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?