Gay Sex: Help a Bottom Learn to Top
January 11, 2010 2:36 PM Subscribe
Help this bottom become a top? [NSFW]
I'm a pretty passive/submissive guy and in all my relationships I've been the bottom with occasional forays into topping at the request of partners. I find myself dating a lovely gentleman who is also a bottom, almost exclusively so. My sexual position preference isn't dogmatic, and I'm happy to give him what he wants by topping. The only problem is: I kind of suck at it.
I get cramps in my legs in missionary position. I achieve orgasm long before he is ready to in just about any position, though I last longest in missionary position. He can't really seem to ride me because my penis is sort of bendy. I lack any and all refinement in my dominant technique - I'm still as quiet and passive as ever even though he's let me know that he'd like me to be more rough and dominant and vocal. And I basically have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'd like to be better than that. Help?
Tactical, practical and technical suggestions favored over "you're overthinking this." I know that. I just know I'm overthinking this because I have no clue what I'm doing. Tips, tricks, products, positions, required reading, suggestions for a healthy dominant mindset, and even stock phrases which wont make me feel like I'm a silly fraud - are all welcome.
Email for anonymous responses or more information: gay.not.nohomo@gmail.com
I'm a pretty passive/submissive guy and in all my relationships I've been the bottom with occasional forays into topping at the request of partners. I find myself dating a lovely gentleman who is also a bottom, almost exclusively so. My sexual position preference isn't dogmatic, and I'm happy to give him what he wants by topping. The only problem is: I kind of suck at it.
I get cramps in my legs in missionary position. I achieve orgasm long before he is ready to in just about any position, though I last longest in missionary position. He can't really seem to ride me because my penis is sort of bendy. I lack any and all refinement in my dominant technique - I'm still as quiet and passive as ever even though he's let me know that he'd like me to be more rough and dominant and vocal. And I basically have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'd like to be better than that. Help?
Tactical, practical and technical suggestions favored over "you're overthinking this." I know that. I just know I'm overthinking this because I have no clue what I'm doing. Tips, tricks, products, positions, required reading, suggestions for a healthy dominant mindset, and even stock phrases which wont make me feel like I'm a silly fraud - are all welcome.
Email for anonymous responses or more information: gay.not.nohomo@gmail.com
I'm not a gay man, so I'm hopelessly unqualified to answer this question, but that won't stop me from trying! At least in terms acting more "rough and dominant and vocal", how about mimicking some porn? At least that would give you a bit of a script to follow.
posted by defreckled at 2:56 PM on January 11, 2010
posted by defreckled at 2:56 PM on January 11, 2010
It sounds like you're basically trying to act as a service top for your partner. Since your focus is on being dominant for him, not because you get turned on by being dominant yourself, I suggest that you find out what he really says as dominant in a hot way. Ask him to tell you more of his more explicit and extreme fantasies, and point you towards erotica or porn in this vein that he's especially into. Take notes from there!
posted by Eshkol at 3:09 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Eshkol at 3:09 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Switch positions more often -- that will help prolong the experience. It will also give you a chance to issue more commands, or if you're gunshy about being too vocal, to prod, push, and re-arrange him where you want him.
Spend more time with foreplay, you get get fairly rough with him long before penetration is even an issue. Penetrative sex doesn't have to be the main course, you know. It can be the appetizer, it can be the dessert, it can be the post-meal brandy. The point (and the problem) is, you now get to make this call, for the most part.
As a bottom, you've been used to giving pleasure for so long that you may be averse to the idea of simply taking it. Look at your situation as a vast array of possibilities. You can basically have whatever you want -- it's a chance to use him to explore this side of yourself, and in the process, he gets exactly what he wants. It's only a matter of time before you do too.
posted by hermitosis at 3:10 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Spend more time with foreplay, you get get fairly rough with him long before penetration is even an issue. Penetrative sex doesn't have to be the main course, you know. It can be the appetizer, it can be the dessert, it can be the post-meal brandy. The point (and the problem) is, you now get to make this call, for the most part.
As a bottom, you've been used to giving pleasure for so long that you may be averse to the idea of simply taking it. Look at your situation as a vast array of possibilities. You can basically have whatever you want -- it's a chance to use him to explore this side of yourself, and in the process, he gets exactly what he wants. It's only a matter of time before you do too.
posted by hermitosis at 3:10 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
People aren't born knowing how to do this, it takes practice (lots of practice) to get good. Also when you are trying something new (for you) with a new partner it should be no surprise that its a bit awkward at first.
If you're getting close to coming before him, then stop, try something else for a few minutes. My husband & I are both versatile, so we "swap" if one of us (usually the top) is getting too close. Even just changing positions will give you that little break to come back from the edge.
Sex is pretty physical, cramps are caused by build-up of lactic acid in the muscles the solution is exercise (any aerobic exercise will improve your stamina). Also, change positions before you legs start to cramp. You can do missionary with him on his back on the edge of the bed with a pillow under his lower back and you standing on the floor - a great way to avoid cramps and sore backs.
Lastly porn is not real life, but that doesn't mean you can't learn some techniques from it. There's plenty of dominant top examples to watch - just tone is down a bit to start with in real life.
posted by Long Way To Go at 3:12 PM on January 11, 2010
If you're getting close to coming before him, then stop, try something else for a few minutes. My husband & I are both versatile, so we "swap" if one of us (usually the top) is getting too close. Even just changing positions will give you that little break to come back from the edge.
Sex is pretty physical, cramps are caused by build-up of lactic acid in the muscles the solution is exercise (any aerobic exercise will improve your stamina). Also, change positions before you legs start to cramp. You can do missionary with him on his back on the edge of the bed with a pillow under his lower back and you standing on the floor - a great way to avoid cramps and sore backs.
Lastly porn is not real life, but that doesn't mean you can't learn some techniques from it. There's plenty of dominant top examples to watch - just tone is down a bit to start with in real life.
posted by Long Way To Go at 3:12 PM on January 11, 2010
This is going to sound ridiculous, but go take a few improv classes. You'll quickly learn how to say things without thinking about them first, or caring whether they'll go over or not, even if they're things that you would never "normally" say. Then bring that home with you.
posted by davejay at 3:48 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 3:48 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, seriously? This is one of my all time favorite quotes, from David Letterman:
And it's very simple... there is only one requirement for any of us, and that is to be courageous, because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And I believe, because I've done a little of this myself, pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
I'm saying, pretending is just as good as actually knowing what you're doing.
So as was said above: fake it. You know what you like, the stuff that turned you on before? Do that.
He's not going to be examining your behavior for a future Oscar nomination. That whole 'silly fraud' thing is the sort of thinking that is going to trip you up.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:56 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
And it's very simple... there is only one requirement for any of us, and that is to be courageous, because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And I believe, because I've done a little of this myself, pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
I'm saying, pretending is just as good as actually knowing what you're doing.
So as was said above: fake it. You know what you like, the stuff that turned you on before? Do that.
He's not going to be examining your behavior for a future Oscar nomination. That whole 'silly fraud' thing is the sort of thinking that is going to trip you up.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:56 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Varying the rhythm and taking breaks helps, as hermitosis and LongWayToGo suggest.
If you are close to coming, you can "pause" even without changing positions -- stay deep inside him, hold him closer to you, lift him up slightly, and kiss him deeply.
When he relaxes a bit, you can comment on what you are liking and what you intend to do next to him. Then do it, vigorously.
posted by senor_turtle at 4:30 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you are close to coming, you can "pause" even without changing positions -- stay deep inside him, hold him closer to you, lift him up slightly, and kiss him deeply.
When he relaxes a bit, you can comment on what you are liking and what you intend to do next to him. Then do it, vigorously.
posted by senor_turtle at 4:30 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Role play that you are an experienced top who gets super turned on by dominating your partner. Seriously.
posted by whalebreath at 4:36 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by whalebreath at 4:36 PM on January 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Consider asking Dan Savage. This is his area of expertise.
posted by theora55 at 5:35 PM on January 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 5:35 PM on January 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I found The Topping Book to be a fun quick read that was also very practical and helpful.
Also, I agree that asking Dude what he's into, (and getting as many juicy, tasty, delicious details out of him as you can, possibly while holding him down and "forcing" him to admit to his most embarrassing fantasies) will be helpful to you. And finally I agree with everyone else's advice that, like any new skill, you should fake it until you get good at it.
Have fun!
posted by serazin at 6:32 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, I agree that asking Dude what he's into, (and getting as many juicy, tasty, delicious details out of him as you can, possibly while holding him down and "forcing" him to admit to his most embarrassing fantasies) will be helpful to you. And finally I agree with everyone else's advice that, like any new skill, you should fake it until you get good at it.
Have fun!
posted by serazin at 6:32 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Postroad at 2:55 PM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]