I'm PRETTY sure I'm gay. Help me be okay with it.
June 26, 2014 1:10 PM Subscribe
I've always known I was a little different. I have trouble remembering things from my relatively normal childhood, so it took until high school to connect the few dots I had, but after I did that, I relished in the attraction I felt for certain other men. It was exciting and made me feel as though I was part of a community with a common story. I grew up with conservative parents who I haven't been able to tell but who I suspect have an inkling, given the things they found left open on my teenage computer and my shy, sensitive nature.
I was fine with not making it a part of my identity and limited its sphere of influence to my taste in porn and online friendships. I never felt the need for a relationship- with women or men- but I enjoyed the way validation from "manly" men made me feel both emotionally and physically.
I'm pretty sure this checks all the gay boxes. Problem is, I still can't shake the visceral reaction I have around other gays/ expression of gay love because of the dogma that's been ingrained in me by my parents and my Jewish background, despite being out to friends, being on Grindr and living in these more accepting times. This has kept me from forming meaningful platonic relationships with gay men and women ( using them for sexual release and then leaving them hanging), and I have trouble seeing myself in a long-term relationship with a man.
What can I do to start living a healthy gay life?
My questions then, are:
-Am I gay, bi, asexual or straight? Will I never have a black-and-white answer, and if so, how can I learn to be okay with that and what does it mean functionally?
- I'm afraid of intimacy and sex in general- some of that is a consequence of being in a wheelchair and being overweight ( though that's changing), but some of it is a fear of the finality, guilt and danger that would come with it.
-How do I stop needing to force myself to bury a latent disgust and be accepting and comfortable around gay people and cultural artifacts and cultivate genuine love for them and for myself?
What can I do to start living a healthy, full life that recognizes my sexuality?
I hate being this way. Intellectually, I know there's really only one right answer, but I can't get my emotions to meet me there. Any advice, hivemind?