How can we move from awkward phone conversations to real dates?
May 23, 2013 9:21 PM Subscribe
I met a guy online and I'm interested in him. The feeling seems to be mutual, but I feel like we're stuck in an awkwardly unclear moment that leaves at least one of us (me) in limbo. How can we crawl out of this limbo and progress to something meaningful?
We've chatted and had two phone conversations. The chat was pretty lengthy and flowed. The calls have both been after 10pm, were kinda awkward, and ended about 15 minutes later when the awkwardness became too much and he mentioned being drowsy.
He doesn't seem to be too talkative. He has at least mentioned that he would like to meet, but we haven't talked about how to do that. Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.
Today's conversation left me confused. What is this guy thinking? What do I do from here; should I text? Call him? How do we not make it awkward? I'm pretty talkative but it's been weird with him for some reason. Is he just nervous? Now, I understand perfectly that none of you live in his head, but I don't want to waste his or my time, so... what to do to either wrap this up or get to meeting? Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans... I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.
We've chatted and had two phone conversations. The chat was pretty lengthy and flowed. The calls have both been after 10pm, were kinda awkward, and ended about 15 minutes later when the awkwardness became too much and he mentioned being drowsy.
He doesn't seem to be too talkative. He has at least mentioned that he would like to meet, but we haven't talked about how to do that. Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.
Today's conversation left me confused. What is this guy thinking? What do I do from here; should I text? Call him? How do we not make it awkward? I'm pretty talkative but it's been weird with him for some reason. Is he just nervous? Now, I understand perfectly that none of you live in his head, but I don't want to waste his or my time, so... what to do to either wrap this up or get to meeting? Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans... I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.
Isn't this the same question you asked in March? I'm not sure you're going to get any different answers.
posted by greta simone at 9:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 9:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Greta Simone, no it's not. Different guy. Same website, lol. I think I updated the other post.
posted by lilacp at 9:31 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by lilacp at 9:31 PM on May 23, 2013
Different guy, same situation. You ask him out. If you want to be coy or whatever, ask him to ask you out.
posted by greta simone at 9:33 PM on May 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 9:33 PM on May 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.
This is an interesting way of putting it, and I think it's worth stopping to think about what this really means. What does it mean to say if you did this, it would be "frowned upon"? That's a vivid image, but who would be doing the frowning? Him? Well, if he would be so turned off by you being upfront about what you want, is that really someone you want to be with? Or do you mean frowned on by someone else? Who? Is anyone going to be tapping your phone line and listening in to the call? I'm going to assume: no. Do you mean frowned on by ... "Society"? Who's that?! There is no person named "Society." There are only individual people — are any of those individuals going to know about any of this, besides the two of you? If you and he are the only ones this is between, why not just do what you want, and hope this turns out to be in sync with what he wants?
posted by John Cohen at 9:36 PM on May 23, 2013 [14 favorites]
This is an interesting way of putting it, and I think it's worth stopping to think about what this really means. What does it mean to say if you did this, it would be "frowned upon"? That's a vivid image, but who would be doing the frowning? Him? Well, if he would be so turned off by you being upfront about what you want, is that really someone you want to be with? Or do you mean frowned on by someone else? Who? Is anyone going to be tapping your phone line and listening in to the call? I'm going to assume: no. Do you mean frowned on by ... "Society"? Who's that?! There is no person named "Society." There are only individual people — are any of those individuals going to know about any of this, besides the two of you? If you and he are the only ones this is between, why not just do what you want, and hope this turns out to be in sync with what he wants?
posted by John Cohen at 9:36 PM on May 23, 2013 [14 favorites]
Can you talk to him on the phone during the day. A couple of short and awkward phone conversations aren't the best sign, but it might've been due to the hour.
Texting could also work; I personally am far more of a texter than a caller. See what he's up to. See if he wants to get a cup of coffee.
posted by RainyJay at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2013
Texting could also work; I personally am far more of a texter than a caller. See what he's up to. See if he wants to get a cup of coffee.
posted by RainyJay at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2013
If just blabbing on the phone is awkward, bring him along to an event or activity of some sort, so that there are obvious things to talk about. This also lets it be a not-date-(yet), so when he asks you out on a Real Date you can convince yourselves that he took all the initiative :)
posted by vasi at 10:06 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by vasi at 10:06 PM on May 23, 2013
"Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate."
YIKES. You're willing to relocate? But you haven't even had a proper date yet.
If you want to go on a date with him, YOU ASK HIM ON A DATE. Really, it's that simple. "Hey, you seem really cool. Talking on the phone is fine, but how about actually meeting for drinks sometime? Saturday evening would be perfect, in fact."
The idea that a woman waits for a man to do the asking is sexist. Let that concept go. It's decades out of date.
And speaking of date... ask him out. Go on a date. Have fun.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:28 PM on May 23, 2013 [10 favorites]
YIKES. You're willing to relocate? But you haven't even had a proper date yet.
If you want to go on a date with him, YOU ASK HIM ON A DATE. Really, it's that simple. "Hey, you seem really cool. Talking on the phone is fine, but how about actually meeting for drinks sometime? Saturday evening would be perfect, in fact."
The idea that a woman waits for a man to do the asking is sexist. Let that concept go. It's decades out of date.
And speaking of date... ask him out. Go on a date. Have fun.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:28 PM on May 23, 2013 [10 favorites]
I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.
Forget that nonsense and just ask him out for a drink or something.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:44 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Forget that nonsense and just ask him out for a drink or something.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:44 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
He has at least mentioned that he would like to meet,
Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans...
Did you at least hint back? "Yes, we should." "Funny, me neither." "Have you heard of that new restaurant? It's supposed to be great."
posted by salvia at 11:49 PM on May 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans...
Did you at least hint back? "Yes, we should." "Funny, me neither." "Have you heard of that new restaurant? It's supposed to be great."
posted by salvia at 11:49 PM on May 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.
You've had 2 phone conversations and chatted online and you're willing to relocate already?
I think if you're putting all your eggs in one basket without even having met the guy in person, you need to revamp your online dating style/expectations. I'm going to say you don't meet this guy because you're already at a weird intensity. Take a breath, don't get fixated on this working out (the guy is either unskilled or not as interested in you or has a low potential to invest in you by not asking about the weekend in a timely manner), and try to find a few guys at once so you can be more realistic. You should not be considering relocating for a guy you haven't yet met in person and can't seem to ask you to make plans over the weekend together.
posted by discopolo at 12:01 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
You've had 2 phone conversations and chatted online and you're willing to relocate already?
I think if you're putting all your eggs in one basket without even having met the guy in person, you need to revamp your online dating style/expectations. I'm going to say you don't meet this guy because you're already at a weird intensity. Take a breath, don't get fixated on this working out (the guy is either unskilled or not as interested in you or has a low potential to invest in you by not asking about the weekend in a timely manner), and try to find a few guys at once so you can be more realistic. You should not be considering relocating for a guy you haven't yet met in person and can't seem to ask you to make plans over the weekend together.
posted by discopolo at 12:01 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, even if it is a site that matches ppl up for LT relationships, it's important to have a selection to choose from so you don't end up overcompromising.
posted by discopolo at 12:05 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by discopolo at 12:05 AM on May 24, 2013
Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans... I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.
Far be it from me to push uniformity in American culture, but regardless of where you are from, I presume you both live in the US now, given the mention of Memorial Day weekend. In the United States, women boldly initiate all of the time. Try it. You'll like it. (I won't mention that in fact, almost all initiation by men only happens when they have a clear signal from a woman, "come initiate me!". So, women are always initiating, initially.)
Ask him out!
General advice: don't have phone calls with guys from dating sites before meeting in person. I think the common online dating advice is to message each other to make sure you have enough common that there is a good shot you will have a decent date, then meet in person as soon as possible. When I did online dating, I definitely met lots of lonely guys who just wanted someone to talk to on the phone or text, but actually didn't have time to date. It's a waste of your time.
posted by peacrow at 3:55 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Far be it from me to push uniformity in American culture, but regardless of where you are from, I presume you both live in the US now, given the mention of Memorial Day weekend. In the United States, women boldly initiate all of the time. Try it. You'll like it. (I won't mention that in fact, almost all initiation by men only happens when they have a clear signal from a woman, "come initiate me!". So, women are always initiating, initially.)
Ask him out!
General advice: don't have phone calls with guys from dating sites before meeting in person. I think the common online dating advice is to message each other to make sure you have enough common that there is a good shot you will have a decent date, then meet in person as soon as possible. When I did online dating, I definitely met lots of lonely guys who just wanted someone to talk to on the phone or text, but actually didn't have time to date. It's a waste of your time.
posted by peacrow at 3:55 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hold on...he's already said he'd like to meet you? I think that maybe he did ask you out; you just didn't pick up the thread and continue with, "Great! How about this weekend?"
Text him that you'd like to meet him and you're free _____.
posted by kinetic at 4:01 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Text him that you'd like to meet him and you're free _____.
posted by kinetic at 4:01 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Something fishy, arrange to meet at a time that will be inconvenient if he has a GF, wife or kids.
posted by BenPens at 4:36 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by BenPens at 4:36 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
It's condescending to try and tell her to ignore her culture, or that it's outdated - she knows her culture best and has faculty.
OP, like he's told you he's free, let him know when you're free as well - specifically, no hinting. Then, leave it to him to take the next step after that. If he doesn't ask you out then, you will have a clear decision to make.
posted by Kruger5 at 4:56 AM on May 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
OP, like he's told you he's free, let him know when you're free as well - specifically, no hinting. Then, leave it to him to take the next step after that. If he doesn't ask you out then, you will have a clear decision to make.
posted by Kruger5 at 4:56 AM on May 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Probably the most important thing to remember about online dating is that you can't truly determine if you like someone until you've met in person. The second most important thing is that if they haven't agreed on a specific meeting time and place within two weeks of first contact, you are likely wasting your time.
If Memorial Day is a holiday for you, you (and he) live in the US, correct? If so, it's absolutely fine to ask him out. On the other hand, we don't know if your where-you're-from culture takes priority over your where-you-live culture. If you believe it would be a major faux pas to ask him out, then be direct as your culture's etiquette allows. Can you say "I'd really like to meet in person this weekend" or "I'd really like it if you asked me out to coffee"? If that's too direct, perhaps "I like you, but I need to meet you in person before I know for sure" or something like that? I'd recommend you say something that's a couple of degrees braver and more direct than what you currently feel comfortable with. From what you mention, it sounds like he might be dropping some hints and hoping you'll pick them up.
If you can't ask him out, and if he doesn't ask you out, then you guys likely don't have a future. Use your next phone call/email/chat session to move the conversation in that direction. If you leave the conversation without a specific date, it's time to move on.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:33 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
If Memorial Day is a holiday for you, you (and he) live in the US, correct? If so, it's absolutely fine to ask him out. On the other hand, we don't know if your where-you're-from culture takes priority over your where-you-live culture. If you believe it would be a major faux pas to ask him out, then be direct as your culture's etiquette allows. Can you say "I'd really like to meet in person this weekend" or "I'd really like it if you asked me out to coffee"? If that's too direct, perhaps "I like you, but I need to meet you in person before I know for sure" or something like that? I'd recommend you say something that's a couple of degrees braver and more direct than what you currently feel comfortable with. From what you mention, it sounds like he might be dropping some hints and hoping you'll pick them up.
If you can't ask him out, and if he doesn't ask you out, then you guys likely don't have a future. Use your next phone call/email/chat session to move the conversation in that direction. If you leave the conversation without a specific date, it's time to move on.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:33 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
No advice, but thoughts from a dude who's awkward on phone calls. I'm perfectly comfortable with face-to-face conversations, but I just can't seem to get phones down. Timing, pay too much attention to my breathing, whatever. I wouldn't read too much into phone behavior before you've met in person.
posted by mean cheez at 5:34 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by mean cheez at 5:34 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can ask him out without seeming to initiate. "Hey, I'm going to be at the Starbucks in Blahville, maybe you can drop by and we can meet in person." See, you're going to be there anyway, so it's not all pushy. If he says no, or makes other noises, then drop it and move on, he's not interested.
Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.
WHAT!?! That makes NO sense? You've had two phone conversations with this dude and you're already considering relocating? For what?
You don't really know this guy, and what you do know is that he may be shy, or he may not think enough of you to actually ask you out.
Don't project a bunch of emotions onto what is essentially a blind date.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:52 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.
WHAT!?! That makes NO sense? You've had two phone conversations with this dude and you're already considering relocating? For what?
You don't really know this guy, and what you do know is that he may be shy, or he may not think enough of you to actually ask you out.
Don't project a bunch of emotions onto what is essentially a blind date.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:52 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
From the guy's point of view: Babe Ruth set two records, one for homers and the other for strikeouts.
Call, live voice, and ask him out. The worst he can say is no. And better luck next time.
Put down your fears and walk away. If you are too afraid of failure, you'll never succeed.
posted by KRS at 7:18 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Call, live voice, and ask him out. The worst he can say is no. And better luck next time.
Put down your fears and walk away. If you are too afraid of failure, you'll never succeed.
posted by KRS at 7:18 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the responses. I'm still reading through them, but re: willing to relocate, I didn't mean I am in love and packing my bags to move to his city. I just meant that I'm not so tied to my city that I'm unwilling to move if something works out with someone - anyone, not necessarily him.
posted by lilacp at 7:44 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by lilacp at 7:44 AM on May 24, 2013
If you don't want to be too forward but this guy isn't out of his shell yet, suggest something during a weekend day. You can drive or get transportation easily, it's low-pressure compared to evening dates, and if things go really well you can extend the date however long you'd like.
posted by rhizome at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by rhizome at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2013
Rather than an actual date, why not suggest meeting up at a concert/festival/craft fair or other event with a bunch of friends. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere there should be plenty of outdoor events going on this weekend and doing it with other people will make it seem like less of a "date" as well as giving you other people to hang out with if things don't go well and have friends around to give their opinions of the new guy.
Once you've met face to face, progreeing to a "real date" should be much easier.
posted by TedW at 12:23 PM on May 24, 2013
Once you've met face to face, progreeing to a "real date" should be much easier.
posted by TedW at 12:23 PM on May 24, 2013
"So, I hear x event/ park/ coffeeshop/ etc is coming up/ really popular/ really nice/ good this time of year. I'd really like to go, but I don't have anyone to go with me/ take me." (Pause. If no date request ensues:) "have you heard that? Do you ever like that sort of thing?" (Pause, etc) "well, do you think maybe you and I might go next weekend?"
"So, are you ever going to invite me out to meet you in real life?"
"So, i'd like to meet you in real life- what do you think?"
"So, wanna go out on a date on Saturday?"
Etc.
posted by windykites at 3:31 PM on May 24, 2013
"So, are you ever going to invite me out to meet you in real life?"
"So, i'd like to meet you in real life- what do you think?"
"So, wanna go out on a date on Saturday?"
Etc.
posted by windykites at 3:31 PM on May 24, 2013
"I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon."
Only you can decide whether or not to let potential frowns get in the way of meeting someone.
Years ago, when I was living in the south, I had a woman say to me "This is the part where you ask me on a date and I say yes." You could always try that.
Being that this seems to be a recurring problem for you, I'd suggest embracing your equality. Let the frowners frown.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:33 PM on May 24, 2013
Only you can decide whether or not to let potential frowns get in the way of meeting someone.
Years ago, when I was living in the south, I had a woman say to me "This is the part where you ask me on a date and I say yes." You could always try that.
Being that this seems to be a recurring problem for you, I'd suggest embracing your equality. Let the frowners frown.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:33 PM on May 24, 2013
Response by poster: Sm1tten, turns out you're right. A friend invited me to a party in his city, and I was willing to go but my friend canceled at the last minute. I had mentioned it to him, though, and he was very willing to go with me, since I was allowed to take a date. However, when that fell through, I brought up him coming over, and he said it would be difficult and kept asking me to go over instead. I asked a little more, and he finally said he is currently unable to drive and won't be able to do so until November. Now, being my overthinking self, I'm wondering WHY he's unable to drive. I'm also concerned because won't that mean I have to pick him up or drop him off or meet him at his place or something? How does that then work out, in terms of safety? Should I go ahead and let everyone know where I'm going, take the risk and drive over? I don't know this person... I don't know anyone in his town except my aforementioned party-inviter friend, who says she will be out of town for a few weeks.
ION.. Embracing my equality it is.
posted by lilacp at 12:33 PM on May 25, 2013
ION.. Embracing my equality it is.
posted by lilacp at 12:33 PM on May 25, 2013
unable to drive and won't be able to do so until November. Now, being my overthinking self, I'm wondering WHY he's unable to drive.
Yeah, um, DUI?
posted by salvia at 3:43 PM on May 26, 2013
Yeah, um, DUI?
posted by salvia at 3:43 PM on May 26, 2013
I'm also concerned because won't that mean I have to pick him up or drop him off or meet him at his place or something? How does that then work out, in terms of safety?
Wouldn't it be even more unsafe for him to pick you up in his car? Think about it.
posted by John Cohen at 7:31 PM on May 28, 2013
Wouldn't it be even more unsafe for him to pick you up in his car? Think about it.
posted by John Cohen at 7:31 PM on May 28, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Justinian at 9:26 PM on May 23, 2013 [5 favorites]