Man eight years younger than woman. Will this work?
December 7, 2011 11:25 AM Subscribe
Relationships in which the woman is older (8 years). Will this work for us? Do you know any couples like this? Advice? Please share.
posted by BeaverTerror to human relations (54 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
This spring, while working temporarily in Beijing (I'm Canadian), I met a Hungarian woman. I am a 23 year old man. She is 31. She was my roommate in a rented apartment. We became friends and began to date after two weeks. It was a fairy tale romance, a three month honeymoon. She is beautiful, intelligent, honest, and loving. When it came time for me to leave at the end of April, I swore to her I'd see her again. We communicated daily over the summer and there was no doubt that we wanted to continue to date eachother.
In August, I graduated from university. We spent a two month holiday together in Hungary and eastern Europe, bicycle touring. Not everything was perfect. There was a lot of uncertainty ahead of us. She had been be Beijing for five years, and now runs a small, sometimes struggling, but promising business. I had just graduated from architecture school and the whole world was open to me, but I'd always dreamed of moving to San Francisco. We didn't know how to proceed after the trip, and the uncertainly caused some conflicts arising from insecurities in both parties. It was a difficult situation no matter which way you looked at it.
In October I returned to Canada and she went back to Beijing. Since then we have been deliberating on how to proceed. In the end, we decided that it would be best for me to move to Beijing, because I have much more flexibility at this phase of my career. This is fair enough, and I am happy to do this.
I booked my ticket for next week. Yesterday she emailed me and told me she's having cold feet. Immigration, even if temporary as we have planned, is serious commitment. Although she has been with many men in the past, she has never been this committed with one before. She said she is worried about the age difference. Specifically, she says that she finds it hard to feel good about herself when she is dating a man eight years younger. She doesn't feel safe about the future, and she says it will be easier to break up now, rather than to do it after I've moved.
We have been speaking about this over the past day and are both quite confused, so I am turning to all of you for help. Before I ask my questions, I need to give a little bit more background about us.
She is looking for a man to settle down with.
I had not been planning to settle down until around 27 or 28, but since I'm dating someone older, I am happy to compromise. I have dated enough prior to this relationship to have confidence in the soundness of my judgement. I have lived in six countries on four continents, four of them on my own, working. I am no stranger to relocating to unknown cities. Last summer I spent 16 weeks cycling 7600km solo from Shanghai to Singapore. I am intelligent and mature enough for this kind of commitment.
We both want kids. I am willing to have them soon, so she can be young when it happens.
I know what I want in a woman. She knows what she wants in a man. I am a good boyfriend. She is a faithful and loving partner. Her only flaw is her fear for commitment. She did not grow up in a stable family, and she is terrified of making the wrong choice in marriage. She is scared of being hurt, and she feels that the age difference will cause this in the future.
On my part, I have no such concerns. I grew up with a single mother. I've learned from my parents' mistakes. Once I've committed to someone, I'll not change my mind. I don't cheat and have a lot of faith that this thing between us can work out in the end. Ofcourse, nothing I can say will satisfy her, because she can say, "when you are older you may change your mind."
As you can see, the only way out of this situation is for the both of us to have faith and confidence in the potential of this relationship. We'll have to be brave enough to make the leap, so we can continue exploring eachother.
As such, I am looking for the following. We will both be reading this.
1. Do you know any couples in which the man is much younger? Did it work out? Please share your stories with us.
2. Do you have any insights or advice about our situation?