Can we meet on top of the empire state building in one year?
April 7, 2010 4:11 PM Subscribe
Boy meets girl. Girl has a bf. Boy and Girl hook up anyways. Boy has feelings for her, Girl says she does too but cant do anything about it till she moves back to same city.
Boy meets girl while she is interning. He tries to make a move; nothing happens and she moves away. Girl is planning to move to the city in about one year. Girl has a boyfriend now. Girl wants to vacation in Boy's city, asks boy if she can stay with him. Boy says yes. Girl and Boy hook up on her vacation. Girl goes back home. Texts are exchange but there is no talk about starting a relationship or Girl breaking up with her BF. Both reason that they are too far away from each other to be serious. Girl is planning to visit again, stays with the Boy again, this time there is a lot more hooking up. Feelings are getting involved on both ends. Boy never brings up the BF and neither does the Girl. Girl goes home but feelings stay. Texts and conversations are getting hot and heavy. More intense talk follows with proclamations on how much they care about each other, and they want to be together and how the feelings have never been felt before (more from Girl than Boy). Boy starts feeling guilty about the whole situation and calls and asks Girl to take a break and not talk till the BF issue is resolved and she is back in the same city. No communication for a week and Girl calls cries and asks to come see him. Girl comes the next day, spends two days with Boy. Same strong feelings, same hooking up except stronger. Girl goes back to the city, same talk of missing you, care so much, can’t wait to see each other next. One week later, same guilty feelings come back for the Boy. For the first time Boy asks what is going on with BF, her reply "He is really good to me, I am not in love with him but I care about him. My family likes him. I know I have to hurt him but I am not ready for that yet". Girl says she sees a future with the boy, has never had such feelings before but cant do anything till she moves back to the same city as the Boy (and break up with the BF right before she leaves). Boy says, we can’t communicate while this is going on. Girl asks Boy to give her time. Boy says he won’t wait for her but we can see what the future holds.
I am the boy in this scenario, and have to ask the hive a few questions (though I think I already know the answers)
I do have strong feelings for her. I do see a future with her if this situation wasn’t going on. My gut says to run as far away as possible but heart is putting its own two cents in here.
1. Should I wait for her?
2. Even if she wants to have something between us when the time is right, do I even want anything to do with her?
3. I have broken off all communication, is there anything left to be said?
4. Have you been in this situation before, if so how did it end up?
5. Do I owe her bf anything? An apology?
6. How big of a douche am I for helping her cheat on her bf?
Boy meets girl while she is interning. He tries to make a move; nothing happens and she moves away. Girl is planning to move to the city in about one year. Girl has a boyfriend now. Girl wants to vacation in Boy's city, asks boy if she can stay with him. Boy says yes. Girl and Boy hook up on her vacation. Girl goes back home. Texts are exchange but there is no talk about starting a relationship or Girl breaking up with her BF. Both reason that they are too far away from each other to be serious. Girl is planning to visit again, stays with the Boy again, this time there is a lot more hooking up. Feelings are getting involved on both ends. Boy never brings up the BF and neither does the Girl. Girl goes home but feelings stay. Texts and conversations are getting hot and heavy. More intense talk follows with proclamations on how much they care about each other, and they want to be together and how the feelings have never been felt before (more from Girl than Boy). Boy starts feeling guilty about the whole situation and calls and asks Girl to take a break and not talk till the BF issue is resolved and she is back in the same city. No communication for a week and Girl calls cries and asks to come see him. Girl comes the next day, spends two days with Boy. Same strong feelings, same hooking up except stronger. Girl goes back to the city, same talk of missing you, care so much, can’t wait to see each other next. One week later, same guilty feelings come back for the Boy. For the first time Boy asks what is going on with BF, her reply "He is really good to me, I am not in love with him but I care about him. My family likes him. I know I have to hurt him but I am not ready for that yet". Girl says she sees a future with the boy, has never had such feelings before but cant do anything till she moves back to the same city as the Boy (and break up with the BF right before she leaves). Boy says, we can’t communicate while this is going on. Girl asks Boy to give her time. Boy says he won’t wait for her but we can see what the future holds.
I am the boy in this scenario, and have to ask the hive a few questions (though I think I already know the answers)
I do have strong feelings for her. I do see a future with her if this situation wasn’t going on. My gut says to run as far away as possible but heart is putting its own two cents in here.
1. Should I wait for her?
2. Even if she wants to have something between us when the time is right, do I even want anything to do with her?
3. I have broken off all communication, is there anything left to be said?
4. Have you been in this situation before, if so how did it end up?
5. Do I owe her bf anything? An apology?
6. How big of a douche am I for helping her cheat on her bf?
Girl should never have another boyfriend ever. Boy is not a nice person. Think of other Boy. You will be the next other boy.
posted by lakerk at 4:20 PM on April 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by lakerk at 4:20 PM on April 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
Wow.
1 - Not on your damn life.
2 - Not on your damn life.
3 - Not a damn word.
4 - No because it's just absurdly stupid to continue to do this to yourself.
5 - OMG, stay away from those two! STAY AWAY. FROM BOTH OF THEM.
6 - From here to the moon and back isn't far enough to describe how big. (Sorry but you asked.) (But also, Inspector.Gadget is right, the Girl is bigger.)
posted by kirstk at 4:24 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
1 - Not on your damn life.
2 - Not on your damn life.
3 - Not a damn word.
4 - No because it's just absurdly stupid to continue to do this to yourself.
5 - OMG, stay away from those two! STAY AWAY. FROM BOTH OF THEM.
6 - From here to the moon and back isn't far enough to describe how big. (Sorry but you asked.) (But also, Inspector.Gadget is right, the Girl is bigger.)
posted by kirstk at 4:24 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ha! For #4 I meant to put No AND it's just absurdly stupid... not because.
posted by kirstk at 4:25 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by kirstk at 4:25 PM on April 7, 2010
1. No
2. No
3. No, unless she keeps trying to contact you. If she does you need to tell her to stay away.
4. Not been in the situation you're in.
5. Not unless you want an a$$ kicking.
6. Not as big as she is.
Consider yourself lucky you got out of it as well as you did. A year down the road you could have been the BF getting cheated on.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:25 PM on April 7, 2010
2. No
3. No, unless she keeps trying to contact you. If she does you need to tell her to stay away.
4. Not been in the situation you're in.
5. Not unless you want an a$$ kicking.
6. Not as big as she is.
Consider yourself lucky you got out of it as well as you did. A year down the road you could have been the BF getting cheated on.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:25 PM on April 7, 2010
No. No. No. No. No. And kind of a douche, yeah, certainly not the pinnacle of honor and respect, but you're being manipulated and can get out now and redeem yourself in the eyes of the universe via future honorable and respectable behavior.
posted by infinitywaltz at 4:28 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by infinitywaltz at 4:28 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
run away, don't take her calls, don't respond to her emails. she's the kind of girl who will always have a guy waiting in the wings for her. you're that guy right now (maybe one of many). if she leaves her town (she probably won't) and when she leaves this guy she'll go for one of her "dick in a glass jar" dudes. then when she gets that flighty feeling, she'll start taking vacations or working late or going to the gym, but the whole time she'll be preparing the next guy, complete with feelings and totally close hooking up sessions. this girl will repeat this pattern until she figures out what she dislikes about herself that keeps her in this loop. you will be one of many.
i know you really like her, you might even love her. i know that it's easy to look at her with rose colored glasses, but this situation demands frank and brutal honesty. she's manipulating you.
i've been the girl and the boy (and the boyfriend) in your story. it ends in heartache, pain, and terribleness for everyone.
posted by nadawi at 4:29 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
i know you really like her, you might even love her. i know that it's easy to look at her with rose colored glasses, but this situation demands frank and brutal honesty. she's manipulating you.
i've been the girl and the boy (and the boyfriend) in your story. it ends in heartache, pain, and terribleness for everyone.
posted by nadawi at 4:29 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
She doesn't want to hurt him now, so she'll string him along for another year while cheating with you (and God knows who else) before finally dumping him to go straight to you, just so he'll know you've been on the side ALL ALONG and it'll hurt extra hard instead of ripping off the bandaid now. Yeah, I can understand why you'd want to be with a girl like that! She lacks honour and integrity and if you go along with this, guess what, you do too.
posted by Jubey at 4:30 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 4:30 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK, I am going to avoid the cute Boy/Girl short declarative sentences because, really, life is too short already, but:
in my experience, getting involved in a relationship where there are this many "maybes" and "what is going on" and "should I?" questions is a pretty good warning sign. One of my inflexible dating rules is "never go out with someone who has a partner who doesn't know what is going on." It leads to drama and lying and somebody (and often everybody) getting hurt. This is rarely worth it, even in the short run. If your visitor wants to break off with her boyfriend and try and start something with you, great. You can work with that. But the situation as written? Not a good diea for anyone.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:30 PM on April 7, 2010
in my experience, getting involved in a relationship where there are this many "maybes" and "what is going on" and "should I?" questions is a pretty good warning sign. One of my inflexible dating rules is "never go out with someone who has a partner who doesn't know what is going on." It leads to drama and lying and somebody (and often everybody) getting hurt. This is rarely worth it, even in the short run. If your visitor wants to break off with her boyfriend and try and start something with you, great. You can work with that. But the situation as written? Not a good diea for anyone.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:30 PM on April 7, 2010
If she'll ditch her boyfriend for you she'll ditch you for someone else.
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 4:32 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 4:32 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
oh, and i take a slightly different opinion on the douche question -
if you go looking for love inside of someone else's committed relationship, you're a fool. however, her relationship is her business. those are her promises she's breaking. i don't think you're a douche for helping her cheat. i think the only person who has a responsibility to the relationship are the people in it.
posted by nadawi at 4:33 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
if you go looking for love inside of someone else's committed relationship, you're a fool. however, her relationship is her business. those are her promises she's breaking. i don't think you're a douche for helping her cheat. i think the only person who has a responsibility to the relationship are the people in it.
posted by nadawi at 4:33 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have been in this situation, except we lived in the same city. I NEVER worked up the courage to break things off with my boyfriend that I was living with for the other boy, and the way it ended up working out was that i got CAUGHT and we broke up...but I couldn't shake my ex for about a year after leaving him, because he was hurt that I left him for another boy and I felt extremely guilty.
Don't put your love life on hold for her. If she leaves her boyfriend and comes to you, I suppose it wouldn't hurt - provided she is out of contact with her ex. Also I think you are being a pretty big douche for helping her cheat. You need to completely erase yourself from the whole equation (like you say you have), and tell her to work her shit out and call you when she has. Cheating will just cause a whole world of sadface for everyone.
posted by foxy at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't put your love life on hold for her. If she leaves her boyfriend and comes to you, I suppose it wouldn't hurt - provided she is out of contact with her ex. Also I think you are being a pretty big douche for helping her cheat. You need to completely erase yourself from the whole equation (like you say you have), and tell her to work her shit out and call you when she has. Cheating will just cause a whole world of sadface for everyone.
posted by foxy at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dude, the number one rule of successful relationships is open, honest communication. You and the girl might have that, but the girl and her BF don't. She needs to stop avoiding the issue and say what needs to be said, and you need to encourage her in that direction. If she just won't do it, this should raise a huge red flag about her ability to be a trustworthy partner in her relationship with you. So...
1. Only if she demonstrates a willingness to break up with the boyfriend. You really should't go on perpetuating the lie, even as a third party. Sneaking around behind someone's back is usually a terrible way to start anything you want to work out well in the end.
2. See number 1. If she can't show a little backbone and honesty and integrity, you're likely going to find yourself in the same position her current boyfriend's in now. Put her to the test.
3. See number 1. Breaking off communication is sweeping the dirt under the rug. Your top priority should be addressing the problem, not waiting for it to go away. If both of you are serious about this thing, stopping communication is not the answer.
4. I have not been in this situation before. But I have a degree in communication, so I will stress communication over and over again like a broken record. And no, my degree doesn't make me an expert, and no, I Am Not Your Communication Counselor.
5. An apology is only needed if you've hurt her. How confident are you in your assessment of the situation? If she's torn between you and the BF, you should apologize (and probably bow out of the mess entirely). If she clearly chooses you, the onus is on her to respond accordingly, which she's not doing for whatever reason. Regardless, you shouldn't apologize for that. Neither of you is married yet, and at least in my mind "cheating" is a much less heinous offense in that circumstance.
6. If you're actively encouraging secrecy and keeping her other relationship alive, you are a HUGE douche. If you're actively working to take the boyfriend's place, not so much. If you're doing that and she's actively resisting, she's the douche; walk, don't run, to the nearest marked exit.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010
1. Only if she demonstrates a willingness to break up with the boyfriend. You really should't go on perpetuating the lie, even as a third party. Sneaking around behind someone's back is usually a terrible way to start anything you want to work out well in the end.
2. See number 1. If she can't show a little backbone and honesty and integrity, you're likely going to find yourself in the same position her current boyfriend's in now. Put her to the test.
3. See number 1. Breaking off communication is sweeping the dirt under the rug. Your top priority should be addressing the problem, not waiting for it to go away. If both of you are serious about this thing, stopping communication is not the answer.
4. I have not been in this situation before. But I have a degree in communication, so I will stress communication over and over again like a broken record. And no, my degree doesn't make me an expert, and no, I Am Not Your Communication Counselor.
5. An apology is only needed if you've hurt her. How confident are you in your assessment of the situation? If she's torn between you and the BF, you should apologize (and probably bow out of the mess entirely). If she clearly chooses you, the onus is on her to respond accordingly, which she's not doing for whatever reason. Regardless, you shouldn't apologize for that. Neither of you is married yet, and at least in my mind "cheating" is a much less heinous offense in that circumstance.
6. If you're actively encouraging secrecy and keeping her other relationship alive, you are a HUGE douche. If you're actively working to take the boyfriend's place, not so much. If you're doing that and she's actively resisting, she's the douche; walk, don't run, to the nearest marked exit.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010
Here's the deal:
You're fun. You weren't supposed to have life altering consequences attached to you. You were supposed to be a good time.
Clearly you two are on different pages.
posted by effugas at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're fun. You weren't supposed to have life altering consequences attached to you. You were supposed to be a good time.
Clearly you two are on different pages.
posted by effugas at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
What do you want out of this? Because what you're likely to get is short-term intense drama laced with guilt. That's not necessarily awful, if that's what you want from your life right now, but if what you want is something more serious and long-lasting and real with this girl, run like the wind.
As for the questions you asked:
1) No.
2) She's prepared to string along and cheat on her boyfriend for a year because she's 'not ready to hurt him yet'? Come on, now. She's poison. I fully accept that she's probably attractive, charismatic and intensely appealing poison, but... poison.
3) Depends - is there anything left that you want to say?
4) Yes. It was fun, intensely passionate and appealing to my younger drama-hoarder self. It ended with multiple break-ups (I think we called it off about six times before one stuck), and a lot of guilt and pain. I still feel crappy about it now, although I'm (platonically) friendly with the man in question these days.
5) There isn't really anything you can do, here - an apology would be out of place and weird, and she's the one who really owes him a great deal. You might or might not consider warning him about her, but that's probably not going to end well.
6) That's between you and your conscience, but keep in mind that she's the one cheating on him. She didn't need your help to do this.
And I would suggest, as a mental exercise, that you put yourself in the current BF's position. Because if you end up involved with this girl, that, my friend, is exactly where you're going to up.
posted by Catseye at 4:38 PM on April 7, 2010
As for the questions you asked:
1) No.
2) She's prepared to string along and cheat on her boyfriend for a year because she's 'not ready to hurt him yet'? Come on, now. She's poison. I fully accept that she's probably attractive, charismatic and intensely appealing poison, but... poison.
3) Depends - is there anything left that you want to say?
4) Yes. It was fun, intensely passionate and appealing to my younger drama-hoarder self. It ended with multiple break-ups (I think we called it off about six times before one stuck), and a lot of guilt and pain. I still feel crappy about it now, although I'm (platonically) friendly with the man in question these days.
5) There isn't really anything you can do, here - an apology would be out of place and weird, and she's the one who really owes him a great deal. You might or might not consider warning him about her, but that's probably not going to end well.
6) That's between you and your conscience, but keep in mind that she's the one cheating on him. She didn't need your help to do this.
And I would suggest, as a mental exercise, that you put yourself in the current BF's position. Because if you end up involved with this girl, that, my friend, is exactly where you're going to up.
posted by Catseye at 4:38 PM on April 7, 2010
You aren't a douche for helping someone break their commitments?
if someone cheats on their partner, things were broken long before they took their pants off. people in healthy, working relationships don't cheat.
like i said before - if you go looking for love inside of someone else's relationship, you're a fool - but if you're looking for no commitment sex, then you're free to pick from any partner who has made themselves available to you. it's up to them or their morals if they're breaking other commitments to do that. not to say that being the "other" in cheating team is without its consequences - but the douche is the person cheating.
posted by nadawi at 4:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
if someone cheats on their partner, things were broken long before they took their pants off. people in healthy, working relationships don't cheat.
like i said before - if you go looking for love inside of someone else's relationship, you're a fool - but if you're looking for no commitment sex, then you're free to pick from any partner who has made themselves available to you. it's up to them or their morals if they're breaking other commitments to do that. not to say that being the "other" in cheating team is without its consequences - but the douche is the person cheating.
posted by nadawi at 4:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
Before too many more people say that you are bad and that the girl is bad, it should be pointed out that neither of you are married, so while premarital cheating isn't exactly great, it's not the same thing as cheating while married - premarital cheating happens, and in this case it happened because you and the girl liked having sex together.
Not a bad thing - at least the sex is good! - and you seem to be able to exercise good judgement and a whole lot of self-control, plus good communication skills, which bodes well for your future. You don't owe anyone any apologies, because you haven't broken any promises.
Anyway, you should just stay on message. If she really wants you, she will come to you. Whether you want her or not is up to you, but if you do reconnect with her strictly for the sex, you need to tell her that up front.
As for the boyfriend, why do you need to apologize to him? It's not like they're married, and all's fair in love and war. And it was her choice - you didn't exactly seduce her - she came to you.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:49 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not a bad thing - at least the sex is good! - and you seem to be able to exercise good judgement and a whole lot of self-control, plus good communication skills, which bodes well for your future. You don't owe anyone any apologies, because you haven't broken any promises.
Anyway, you should just stay on message. If she really wants you, she will come to you. Whether you want her or not is up to you, but if you do reconnect with her strictly for the sex, you need to tell her that up front.
As for the boyfriend, why do you need to apologize to him? It's not like they're married, and all's fair in love and war. And it was her choice - you didn't exactly seduce her - she came to you.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:49 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you need your fellow MeFites to call you a douche to make you feel like you should never talk to or sleep with this lady again? I mean, we can do that, but it'd be much kinder on yourself to skip that and just never talk to or sleep with her again.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:50 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:50 PM on April 7, 2010
Can we meet on top of the empire state building in one year?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:52 PM on April 7, 2010
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:52 PM on April 7, 2010
1. Should I wait for her?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
2. Even if she wants to have something between us when the time is right, do I even want anything to do with her?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
3. I have broken off all communication, is there anything left to be said?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
4. Have you been in this situation before, if so how did it end up?
Not this exact situation, but any similar situation has the same answer, which is...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
5. Do I owe her bf anything? An apology?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
6. How big of a douche am I for helping her cheat on her bf?
You're a dude, not a douche. You could be a better dude in the future, though.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:54 PM on April 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
2. Even if she wants to have something between us when the time is right, do I even want anything to do with her?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
3. I have broken off all communication, is there anything left to be said?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
4. Have you been in this situation before, if so how did it end up?
Not this exact situation, but any similar situation has the same answer, which is...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
5. Do I owe her bf anything? An apology?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
6. How big of a douche am I for helping her cheat on her bf?
You're a dude, not a douche. You could be a better dude in the future, though.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:54 PM on April 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
I was in that scenario. She moved to Texas. I followed her. She ended up dumping her bf. Then she ended up casting me to the "friend zone" and I held a candle for years. I was totally in love with her but she didn't feel the same way. Eventually I wised up and got over her. We remain friends.
I can't change the past, but if I would have ended things and not been a sap holding out hope for her, I might be better off today. So perhaps breaking off things nice now could be advised for you.
There's no need to say anything to the BF. He'll figure out she's cheating on him and deal with it on his own. If you talk to him now, he may want to kick your ass.
And you're not a douche for helping her cheat. Two to tango and all of that. She was the cheater aka "the douche" here. She was cheating on her bf and leading you on. Should you have not ever gotten involved with her in the first place? Probably, but in practice, that isn't such a cut and dry proposition. I've been there.
posted by birdherder at 4:59 PM on April 7, 2010
I can't change the past, but if I would have ended things and not been a sap holding out hope for her, I might be better off today. So perhaps breaking off things nice now could be advised for you.
There's no need to say anything to the BF. He'll figure out she's cheating on him and deal with it on his own. If you talk to him now, he may want to kick your ass.
And you're not a douche for helping her cheat. Two to tango and all of that. She was the cheater aka "the douche" here. She was cheating on her bf and leading you on. Should you have not ever gotten involved with her in the first place? Probably, but in practice, that isn't such a cut and dry proposition. I've been there.
posted by birdherder at 4:59 PM on April 7, 2010
I'm really starting to think that this is one of those things that you don't really believe until it happens to you, but I'll say it anyway: Anyone who cheats with you will cheat on you.
posted by runningwithscissors at 5:15 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by runningwithscissors at 5:15 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
She's doing something she knows is selfish and wrong because that's what she desires, and so are you. She's worse, but the two of you are on the same continuum. I predict more of the same from both of you, especially her, unless you guys develop more self control/character. Like everyone else has said, stay with her long enough and eventually you will be on the receiving end. If you stay with her, if we were in Vegas, I'd give it 2 years before the first dramatic breakup between you two, and at least 2 more subsequent breaking up and getting back together cycles.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:16 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 5:16 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
The fact that going through this really, really sucks should answer each and every one of your questions. A whole lot of shit punctuated by a few stolen moments of bliss involves mostly a whole lot of shit.
It will be even more of the same if you become her bf. Trust me on that.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:29 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
It will be even more of the same if you become her bf. Trust me on that.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:29 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
OMG that was slightly (!) ridiculous. Sorry I don't mean to be so insulting! Really! But the story totally reads like an adolescent/twenty-something version of Man meets Married Woman. They have never met someone like the other before. They profess strong feelings for each other. [Cue exciting filler details] Then: Married Woman says: "He is really good to me, I am not in love with him but I care about him. My family likes him. I know I have to hurt him but I am not ready for that yet/will not get a divorce." If the story continued with Man continues to wait it out, hoping, because he has Never Felt Like This Before, it will end with Man feeling like crap and in the therapist's office wondering when she is going to leave her husband.
Do NOT end up being this man in the future; do NOT continue this pattern. Avoid people with partners when dating at all costs (unless you want to be ethically non-monogamous, etc.). And always listen to your gut!!! Maybe it's not your heart putting in its two cents, but another body part *cough* and/or your brain releasing addictive chemicals.
Also, I bet that if she was single, maybe this relationship wouldn't be as exciting and with all the professions of strong feelings. Of course that can happen when people don't cheat. But my sense is that she wouldn't be like this if she was single and in a relationship with you (and that is not to say that you are not worthy, but a reflection on who she is).
And good for you for not communicating with her at the end and saying that you won't wait for her. Honestly, I think waiting for people is ridiculous. Which brings me right back to the top of my comment.
posted by foxjacket at 6:31 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do NOT end up being this man in the future; do NOT continue this pattern. Avoid people with partners when dating at all costs (unless you want to be ethically non-monogamous, etc.). And always listen to your gut!!! Maybe it's not your heart putting in its two cents, but another body part *cough* and/or your brain releasing addictive chemicals.
Also, I bet that if she was single, maybe this relationship wouldn't be as exciting and with all the professions of strong feelings. Of course that can happen when people don't cheat. But my sense is that she wouldn't be like this if she was single and in a relationship with you (and that is not to say that you are not worthy, but a reflection on who she is).
And good for you for not communicating with her at the end and saying that you won't wait for her. Honestly, I think waiting for people is ridiculous. Which brings me right back to the top of my comment.
posted by foxjacket at 6:31 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
She's enjoying the drama and the attention. I suspect that, if you wait around and do end up her boyfriend, that thrill will be gone for her, and she'll look for more drama and attention. You're in for a world of heartbreak if you wait around for her.
posted by sarcasticah at 6:33 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by sarcasticah at 6:33 PM on April 7, 2010
everything above - it's true - sorry - pls save yourself years of pain
posted by xammerboy at 6:43 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 6:43 PM on April 7, 2010
You're not the first guy she's cheated with.
posted by rhizome at 9:19 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 9:19 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Do you really want to date somebody who is ok with hooking up with another man while dating you?
posted by 2oh1 at 10:23 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by 2oh1 at 10:23 PM on April 7, 2010
her reply "He is really good to me, I am not in love with him but I care about him. My family likes him. I know I have to hurt him but I am not ready for that yet".
This is a tough spot, that shady area between loving and in-love. It's nice to be with people who are nice to you. Those are the most difficult relationships to extricate yourself from, especially if you're raised to be a "nice" girl. She may be doing the best she can with what she has.
I, for one, refuse to judge this girl and brand her with the big fat A. And you, you're not a douche. All's fair in love and war. Take a chance. Take a risk. You could end up getting your heart put through a meatgrinder and wonder "why didn't I listen to all those wise MeFi souls?" But you could also end up with a decent relationship. There are no fucking rules here. Love and sex and passion makes for some complicated shit. Let it be complicated. Conventional mefi wisdom is saying run the other way, but conventional wisdom is boring. Safe, but boring. Don't end this because everyone is saying "this will end badly", end it because you're not in love. If you're in love, obey your heart.
One caveat about obeying your heart: if it does end badly, don't blame it on your heart. Our hearts are trickster ravens that lead us into dark alleys and sometimes we get mugged. But the heart isn't trying to teach you to avoid dark alleys, it's to teach you who you are. Sometimes we have to get crushed to figure out who we are.
posted by madred at 11:08 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is a tough spot, that shady area between loving and in-love. It's nice to be with people who are nice to you. Those are the most difficult relationships to extricate yourself from, especially if you're raised to be a "nice" girl. She may be doing the best she can with what she has.
I, for one, refuse to judge this girl and brand her with the big fat A. And you, you're not a douche. All's fair in love and war. Take a chance. Take a risk. You could end up getting your heart put through a meatgrinder and wonder "why didn't I listen to all those wise MeFi souls?" But you could also end up with a decent relationship. There are no fucking rules here. Love and sex and passion makes for some complicated shit. Let it be complicated. Conventional mefi wisdom is saying run the other way, but conventional wisdom is boring. Safe, but boring. Don't end this because everyone is saying "this will end badly", end it because you're not in love. If you're in love, obey your heart.
One caveat about obeying your heart: if it does end badly, don't blame it on your heart. Our hearts are trickster ravens that lead us into dark alleys and sometimes we get mugged. But the heart isn't trying to teach you to avoid dark alleys, it's to teach you who you are. Sometimes we have to get crushed to figure out who we are.
posted by madred at 11:08 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Boy says, we can’t communicate while this is going on.
Boy displays first evidence of Clue.
Girl asks Boy to give her time. Boy says he won’t wait for her but we can see what the future holds.
Boy displays further evidence of Clue. Well played, Boy.
Now run like hell.
posted by flabdablet at 11:21 PM on April 7, 2010
Boy displays first evidence of Clue.
Girl asks Boy to give her time. Boy says he won’t wait for her but we can see what the future holds.
Boy displays further evidence of Clue. Well played, Boy.
Now run like hell.
posted by flabdablet at 11:21 PM on April 7, 2010
It should be pointed out that the BF is the only other person that boy actually knows about girl sleeping with. If girl is comfortable not telling BF about boy, it stands to reason that she'd be even more comfortable not telling boy about other boys.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:29 AM on April 12, 2010
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:29 AM on April 12, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:18 PM on April 7, 2010 [69 favorites]