How do I get over my oral sex hang-ups? (NSFW)

May 1, 2013 8:41 PM

I am a female who would love to love giving head. However, a couple of key things keep this from happening.

My major problems seem to be:

1. I have an intense gag reflex - so much so that I have difficulty swallowing things like pills. When I'm giving head, I constantly feel myself gagging on pre-cum.

2. Because of my over-active gag reflex, I panic when his penis comes anywhere near the back of my throat.

3. I don't like the taste of semen - just thinking about it makes me a little queasy.

4. When he comes, I'm never quite sure how to handle it. If we're in bed, it's easier because I can direct his cum toward my breasts, etc. If we're not in bed, it's hard not to end up with a big mess since I'm not swallowing.

4. I actually enjoy the act of fellatio, so I'm not interested in taking oral off the the table completely. This issue is making me feel "bad at sexy stuff" when I actually want to be a fun, exciting, sex goddess of a partner.

If you've experienced these issues, what has worked for you? How do you create a mutually pleasurable experience without constantly feeling miserable?

Throwaway email: [e-mail]

Thank you!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Here's some tips (insert dirty joke here):

Apparently, squeezing the flesh between the thumb and index finger can help suppress the gag reflex. Some female friends swear by it.

Pushing any reflex to the breaking point tends to reinforce it; working frequently but below the threshold can reduce it with time. When I was a contact-wearer, I could put my fingertip to my eye surface; when I started out I damn near had to staple my eyelids open.

I had a gfrd who also loved the idea, but hated the taste of cum. We tried dipping me in wine she loved to mingle the precum and enjoyable flavor, and using chocolate for the same effect. Not practical all the time, but it opened the door.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:13 PM on May 1, 2013

My suggestions? Avoid the bits that you don't like. Don't do oral to orgasm (or have a hanky/washcloth close by). One hand on his penis so it's not hitting the back of your throat and don't spend all your time with it in your mouth - spend time doing other stuff that 'penis in mouth, bob up and down'.

And remember, sex goddess is a subjective ideal and what you're describing is performative, not, y'know, what you or your partner enjoys. So work with that, not against it. If I don't enjoy part of a sex act, I pretty much don't do it because the last thing my partner wants is me not enjoying myself in bed, even if the act is something he enjoys.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:14 PM on May 1, 2013 [7 favorites]

One way to get into it is to mix hand job with a little bit of blow job. You can mostly use your hands, even both of them at once, lubricated with your saliva and/or lube, to stroke his penis. Then occasionally you can add your mouth, for instance when your hands are doing a down stroke (moving in the direction from head to base of the penis) you can add your mouth over the tops of your thumbs, slide the head of his penis in your mouth, keep pushing your hands down to the base away from your mouth, then remove both your mouth and hands on the next up stroke. You don't have to do this on every down stroke, but sometimes is nice. That way you can occasionally use your mouth and get used to it. It also means there is less gag reflex because you don't need as much depth.

Another variation is to use your tongue and saliva to lubricate his penis, without actually putting it in your mouth much, then follow up with a hand job. Again that is a mix of oral and manual stimulation, that's not 100% a blow job.
posted by htid at 9:35 PM on May 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Seconding hands plus mouth. Use your hands (spit on them for lube) on the base, so that your mouth only needs to take in the tip.
posted by jaguar at 9:54 PM on May 1, 2013

Try to focus on your breathing instead of what is going on in your mouth. In through your nose, out through your nose. I've found that it's easier to control my gag reflex when I redirect my attention to something else.

Other than that, yep, use your hands.
posted by sockomatic at 10:12 PM on May 1, 2013

Yeah, I think it's 100% normal to use your hands to avoid the gagging thing. Do as much with your mouth as feels comfortable and enjoyable for you, switch to using mostly your hands with your mouth just at the tip (where the sensation is strongest anyway), switch back if you feel like it.

The particular mix of hands/mouth and different techniques also depends on your partner- if you're only doing this with one guy at the moment, experiment with what seems to work for him, and ask if there are particular things he likes. If you're looking for all-purpose, works for any guy tips, I don't think you're going to get many.

You can definitely work on your gag reflex, if you really want to, but really you don't have to. If you're enjoying yourself, I will bet that the guy will be enjoying himself too even if you aren't putting on a "sex goddess" show.
posted by MadamM at 10:17 PM on May 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

All the fun sensitive bits are at the end of the penis anyway. You can focus your mouth and tongue there for stimulation while you handle the rest with your hands. Ask your partner to show you how he strokes himself while he masturbates and do that.

I used to really fumble a lot in the same way you describe, but I think that's because I was getting my idea of what it should be like from porn. In no way shape or form should you have to be gagging (or swallowing, or whatever) in order for your man to enjoy it. Work together to find something that's fun for both of you.

Oh, and brushing your teeth or sucking on a mint beforehand can help a lot with reacting to the taste.
posted by annekate at 10:31 PM on May 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Have you tried blowing your gentlemen friend while he wears a condom? That's what everybody is "supposed" to be doing in the age of AIDS, but I don't think many people ever do. Also, if cum or pre-cum makes you retch, there's no rulebook that says you have to swallow the whole dang dong at once. You can do a lot to the shaft without taking in the tip.

"We tried dipping me in wine she loved to mingle the precum and enjoyable flavor, and using chocolate for the same effect."

IANAD, but getting food in your urethra can be very, very bad. It's probably safe to smear certain kinds of food on the outside of the naughty bits, but "dipping" in food could lead to some nasty diseases. (And wine sounds potentially agonizing... Alcohol, right on the dingle! Yowch!)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:42 PM on May 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

As for the mess: use a towel, aka sex Zamboni.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:54 PM on May 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

I've read the thumb-in-the-palm thing is just a placebo - there's no possible mechanism by which it could actually affect your gag reflex. But placebos work, sometimes even when you know they're placebo. You'll probably want to dry-run with a toothbrush or something before you deploy that tactic in the field.

Speaking from the receiving party's perspective, I'd be entirely content with a 90/10 split in the hand/mouth division of labour. I mean, hell, as long as there's some enthusiasm being displayed a knob really can't tell the difference.
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 11:15 PM on May 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

My whole view on oral changed when I read a (how am I admitting this?) Cosmo article about how oral sex is supposed to be fun.

Do the things that are fun. Jaw is sore? Move on, come back to it later. Don't want to taste cum in your mouth? Don't let him cum in your mouth.

The best part is that the more you enjoy it, the parts that you originally found unpleasant actually start to become fun.
posted by samthemander at 11:22 PM on May 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

Semen tastes better or worse depending on diet. Try asking him to drink a lot more water and to drink less coffee and alcohol. If you explain that it's likely to get him more head, he'll probably be game. Alternatively, aim for times of the day/week when he's not likely to have drunk much coffee or alcohol recently. There are some foods that supposedly affect taste too, but I'm not sure what.

Also, there's no shame in insisting on a (sexy, joint) shower before sex. I won't give blowjobs unless he's scrubbed up directly beforehand, because I only like the taste of soap. Or something.
posted by lollusc at 1:36 AM on May 2, 2013

For #3, there are diets that are supposed to make your semen taste better. Melon (cantaloupe in particular) and pineapple are supposed to be good, coffee bad. You could try having your man mix up his diet to see if you like the taste better. As long as it's the taste and not the texture then you can improve it.

If that works, you can work on #4 by doing a progression from there where you gradually work up to swallowing his load, starting with opening your mouth while he cums on your face, moving to coming on your extended tongue, then shallow in your mouth, then deep in your mouth/throat.
posted by I am the Walrus at 2:04 AM on May 2, 2013

Try a throat desensitizing spray for your gag reflex. This one works for me.

For the taste, make him drink a lot of pineapple juice, it really works. Also, when he starts to cum, push his cock as far back into your throat as you can so the cum goes right down your throat and you don't taste it. But really, cum is a bit of an acquired taste: if you can power through it a few times you'll start to get used to it and it won't disgust you quite as much. Take it from someone who used to have HUGE oral sex hangups and now I genuinely love to give head and even swallow. It's just practice and getting used to some weird tastes and sensations. Yes, you may throw up on his dick a couple times in the process, but that's not that big of a deal.
posted by désoeuvrée at 2:48 AM on May 2, 2013

The consistently best oral sex I've had was with a partner who did very little with regards to depth. She mostly worked the glans with her mouth and did a steady, relentless jacking with one hand. No gag issue.

As for precum, I can't say. There's a wide variation in what men produce. I'm at the very far end of the scale towards none. Pineapple juice is alleged to have good properties in changing taste. No smoking is another.

I don't see a quick dunk in wine as an issue if he's making precum. A good wash will help too (it can also be foreplay).

For swallowing or not - depends on mood and comfort level. Cheeks, neck, chest, boobs or if he's recumbent, engage your own inner Jackson Pollock, or try to fill his navel.
posted by plinth at 3:18 AM on May 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Honestly, your list of dislikes meshes pretty well with the areas of giving head my wife prefers not to engage in. But, she's really, really good at the parts that she does like, and has developed her skills to where I don't miss any of the other stuff. Evar.

So, I suggest you simply focus on the stuff you will do, and all should be just fine. Oral (like all of sex) is an individual expression, and not a checklist of a series of mechanical acts.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:10 AM on May 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, hi gag reflex, my nemesis. (I got flagged as a "difficult patient" by one of my dentists because I couldn't stop choking during a root canal.)

Go for a combination of hands/mouth. Aim him towards the inside of one of your cheeks (especially if one side of your mouth has a stronger trigger for gagging than the other). If you need a break, switch to licking/etc. along the shaft; this keeps him entertained while you're relaxing your throat and inner mouth. Give a lot of attention to the frenulum (that bit on the underside just past the tip and urethra - that's really super-sensitive, and it also isn't too far down the shaft, so it also won't trigger gagging).

As for the spit/swallow issue - have a talk with the guy sometime, when you're not having sex, asking what he would like to do. Some guys actually don't care all too much, some guys only care that you don't just leave them spraying like a fire hose or something but anything other than that is fine. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:34 AM on May 2, 2013

I provide sexual health information through my work and would like to suggest a product called Masque. These are small gelatin-like strips (similar in style to breath freshening products) that dissolve in your mouth just prior to oral sex that works to neutralize the taste of semen.
posted by kuppajava at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2013

when I actually want to be a fun, exciting, sex goddess of a partner.

Have you talked to your partner about this? Maybe you guys can come up with a solution yourselves. If he loves and cares about you, he would work on figuring out how not to engage your gag reflex, how to improve his hygiene, and these things. You should be able to talk to him/have a discussion about this.

But you'd have to tell him. And you can't base everything off porn. It's better to ask him what he wants and tell him what you want.
posted by discopolo at 11:20 AM on May 2, 2013

Taste issues: have you tried NOT breathing through your nose at all after his ejaculation? Inhale through the nose, and the semen flavor really hits me; but if I can keep it to strict mouth-breathing, then the stuff is pretty tasteless and easy-to-swallow.
posted by Bardolph at 11:32 AM on May 2, 2013

Lots of good advice above. You may also want to vary your angle of attack. I find oral sex with a penis feels better on the "giving head" end in positions where my oral cavity and throat are in close to a straight line, and in orientations that do not push the glans directly at my uvula.

Overall, thinking outside the box of "oral sex" and inside the bouncy ball of "here is a set of genitals that I like to kiss: let's feel good together" reduces performance anxiety and may reveal new ways to have fun.
posted by thatdawnperson at 5:32 PM on May 2, 2013

Read this book. Usually sex books range from innocuous yet unhelpful to verging on ridiculous, but this one is excellent.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:24 PM on May 2, 2013

I've been able to reduce the severity of my gag reflex with time and patience. Every day when I brush my teeth, I brush my tongue. Start at the tip and go a little further back every time, and stop just before you start to gag. Over a couple of months, you should notice a reduced sensitivity.

Also, explain to your partner that you really enjoy giving head, but you have a strong gag reflex so you need to take it slow. If he doesn't let you move at your own pace, then find another partner. My gag reflex gets a lot stronger when I'm anxious. Finding a boyfriend who ALWAYS lets me set the pace with oral paradoxically allows me to take him deeper and gag less while doing it.

There are ways you can involve oral that don't involve deep penetration, too. My boyfriend says one of his favorite sensations during a blowjob is when I swirl my tongue around the head, hitting the top and bottom with each go 'round.
posted by Rach3l at 5:34 PM on May 4, 2013

Ursula Hitler:

"We tried dipping me in wine she loved to mingle the precum and enjoyable flavor, and using chocolate for the same effect."

IANAD, but getting food in your urethra can be very, very bad. It's probably safe to smear certain kinds of food on the outside of the naughty bits, but "dipping" in food could lead to some nasty diseases. (And wine sounds potentially agonizing... Alcohol, right on the dingle! Yowch!)

I assure you my urethra doesn't suck! ;) Or, more generally, getting things up a man's urethra takes a bit of effort. (And wine is not particularly agonizing on sensitive tissues anyway - don't ask).
posted by IAmBroom at 3:09 PM on May 6, 2013