Should I have a threesome?
October 8, 2011 7:01 AM Subscribe
I'm a single female thinking of joining a threesome. Should I do this? How do I do this? (possibly NSFW details inside)
I'm 27, bi, a previously shy geek, five months out of a relationship with a guy and in the mood to explore while I can. I've just joined Plenty of Fish, and got an inbox full of offers for threesomes with couples. I've never had sex outside of a relationship before, so the casual sex aspect as well as the threesome would be quite new to me. But it sounds fun, and two of the couples sounded interesting.
- How can I make sure to stay safe? I'd like to plan on meeting the couple in a neutral, public area first for coffee, to gauge chemistry and talk about boundaries. For later, while I have plenty of friends here, none are open-minded enough that I could let them know where I'm going as a precaution.
- What questions should I ask at the first meeting? What social niceties should I observe throughout? How should I gauge whether they're really both into it before we get in too deep?
- how hot do I need to be to do this? I'm not a complete fug, a little overweight but not much, and I'm very happy with myself; but I'm not magazine cover material either. Will this be a problem? I'm particularly worried about my (clean, but) crooked teeth (I'm a Brit in Canada, it seems to be a bigger deal here)
- I normally trim my bush, but don't shave. Should I shave it off completely?
- Safe sex! I'd like to use dental dams - but I've never used them before, and as it seems that she's never been with a woman before, they probably won't have either. Is it okay to basically learn on the job?
- Am I being naive thinking that this will be a fun thing to try? Are there any reasons why I shouldn't?
Thanks for any advice or personal stories you may have!
threesomesplz@hotmail.co.uk
I'm 27, bi, a previously shy geek, five months out of a relationship with a guy and in the mood to explore while I can. I've just joined Plenty of Fish, and got an inbox full of offers for threesomes with couples. I've never had sex outside of a relationship before, so the casual sex aspect as well as the threesome would be quite new to me. But it sounds fun, and two of the couples sounded interesting.
- How can I make sure to stay safe? I'd like to plan on meeting the couple in a neutral, public area first for coffee, to gauge chemistry and talk about boundaries. For later, while I have plenty of friends here, none are open-minded enough that I could let them know where I'm going as a precaution.
- What questions should I ask at the first meeting? What social niceties should I observe throughout? How should I gauge whether they're really both into it before we get in too deep?
- how hot do I need to be to do this? I'm not a complete fug, a little overweight but not much, and I'm very happy with myself; but I'm not magazine cover material either. Will this be a problem? I'm particularly worried about my (clean, but) crooked teeth (I'm a Brit in Canada, it seems to be a bigger deal here)
- I normally trim my bush, but don't shave. Should I shave it off completely?
- Safe sex! I'd like to use dental dams - but I've never used them before, and as it seems that she's never been with a woman before, they probably won't have either. Is it okay to basically learn on the job?
- Am I being naive thinking that this will be a fun thing to try? Are there any reasons why I shouldn't?
Thanks for any advice or personal stories you may have!
threesomesplz@hotmail.co.uk
1) That is how you stay safe. Also, there are plenty of swinger-specific social networks that you could vet people through. Also, if you go to a swinger party or sex club, you will be very popular
2) Whatever would make you comfortable enough with these two people as individuals and as a couple to want to fuck them
3) 'hot' is less relevant as 'have good chemistry with, enjoy the company of, find attractive'. It's not an objective scale
4) Ask the couple what they prefer. Additionally, since you're talking about exploring new things, maybe it would be fun for you to try something different down there.
5) Talk with them about it. If you want to use them, bring them along, but talk about it beforehand (this is part of answer 1).
6) Dont think there is any concrete answer, other than you only go around once, and "oh well" seems to be a better rememberance than "what if"
Enjoy and take pictures!
posted by softlord at 7:46 AM on October 8, 2011
2) Whatever would make you comfortable enough with these two people as individuals and as a couple to want to fuck them
3) 'hot' is less relevant as 'have good chemistry with, enjoy the company of, find attractive'. It's not an objective scale
4) Ask the couple what they prefer. Additionally, since you're talking about exploring new things, maybe it would be fun for you to try something different down there.
5) Talk with them about it. If you want to use them, bring them along, but talk about it beforehand (this is part of answer 1).
6) Dont think there is any concrete answer, other than you only go around once, and "oh well" seems to be a better rememberance than "what if"
Enjoy and take pictures!
posted by softlord at 7:46 AM on October 8, 2011
I've never done the threesome thing, but I have a lot of internet dating experience under my belt. Here are my suggestions.
- Staying safe - an initial meeting in a public space is a good start. I'd get their real names and numbers too. If you don't feel you can tell your friends exactly what you are up to, tell them you are going on an internet date and give them the guy's name and the profile name and his number. Leave ALL of the info at an obvious location in your home. If you really did wind up in trouble, your friends finding out that you are interested in threesomes would be the least of your worries.
- Google the names of the individuals.
- You are hot enough. I used to worry about some of my extra curves but there are plenty of people who find them delightful. And even so, sex is for everyone. Not just hot people.
- Don't shave if you don't want to. If you wind up meeting again with the same couple and you get to the point of making special efforts for each other, they can make a special request - if they want - and you can consider it then.
- Be frank about your concerns and your boundaries and what you want to happen for yourself. You're kind of a unicorn, they should bend over backwards to make you happy.
posted by bunderful at 7:47 AM on October 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
- Staying safe - an initial meeting in a public space is a good start. I'd get their real names and numbers too. If you don't feel you can tell your friends exactly what you are up to, tell them you are going on an internet date and give them the guy's name and the profile name and his number. Leave ALL of the info at an obvious location in your home. If you really did wind up in trouble, your friends finding out that you are interested in threesomes would be the least of your worries.
- Google the names of the individuals.
- You are hot enough. I used to worry about some of my extra curves but there are plenty of people who find them delightful. And even so, sex is for everyone. Not just hot people.
- Don't shave if you don't want to. If you wind up meeting again with the same couple and you get to the point of making special efforts for each other, they can make a special request - if they want - and you can consider it then.
- Be frank about your concerns and your boundaries and what you want to happen for yourself. You're kind of a unicorn, they should bend over backwards to make you happy.
posted by bunderful at 7:47 AM on October 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
My understanding is that there are an enormous number of MF couples looking for an additional F -- I have heard the phrase "rare as a unicorn" in this context -- and therefore that *you* are the rare commodity and the one who gets to be choosy here.
Should you trim your pubes? Sure, if you want, or shave a happy face in them, or glue them to your own forehead. Are you hot enough? Nonono, the question is are *they* hot enough. They're just not in a position to turn you down based on details; enjoy the leverage this gives you.
posted by foursentences at 7:48 AM on October 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
Should you trim your pubes? Sure, if you want, or shave a happy face in them, or glue them to your own forehead. Are you hot enough? Nonono, the question is are *they* hot enough. They're just not in a position to turn you down based on details; enjoy the leverage this gives you.
posted by foursentences at 7:48 AM on October 8, 2011 [12 favorites]
You're a rare commodity, and you can afford to be choosy - you're in the drivers seat. Set high standards and stick to them. If you don't want to shave, then don't.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:57 AM on October 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 7:57 AM on October 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Yeah, lady! What they said! You are the driver of this bus. You are the icing on the cake. You're the hot tamale in a stale buffet of leftovers. This is YOU time.
You ARE hot! You are an adventurous, fun-loving, ethical-minded revolutionary dame! You're smoking hot! You're awesome!
I would love to see you turn your focus around a bit. What do YOU want? Who do YOU want to do?
I should basically make this into a sig file: The Ethical Slut.
So, practicalities:
* Sometimes it's a little weird to be the outsider with a coupled couple. You're often in their space, they know what they like, they have in-jokes, and you're like... "oh, hi." The easiest way to deal with this is to remember that YOU'RE the star of the movie, not them. This is about YOU, and what YOU want to do, and what you like. Sometimes it doesn't feel fun to be with a couple who knows everything about each other sexually. (Sometimes it does!)
* The process depends too on how much you like to know people before you sleep with them. Some of us like to go out to dinner, get dated a little. Some like to hop on over and get nekked. Most all of everyone likes to know who they are, to leave their phone number and address with a friend (don't have a friend? Time to make a new one! Email me or someone else! I promise to tell the police but not your family when you disappear) and do a little background check.
* You leave when you're not having fun or you don't feel safe. Practice saying: "Hey, you guys, this isn't really for me, I'm sorry!" Also practice saying: "No."
* It's fine to learn-as-you-go with dental dams because practice does not make perfect with those things, the ladies say. (The ladies say that before they give them up and throw them away usually, but you should adhere to your standards.)
* Try to have fun! There are no rules about how to behave or how to act. You should be treated with respect.
* Just like any date where sex is largely the object or even not, there are good dates and bad dates! There's no reason you can't go for a drink with a couple and not be interested and say "Thank you so much!" and go home. You get to do WHATEVER you want.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:20 AM on October 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
You ARE hot! You are an adventurous, fun-loving, ethical-minded revolutionary dame! You're smoking hot! You're awesome!
I would love to see you turn your focus around a bit. What do YOU want? Who do YOU want to do?
I should basically make this into a sig file: The Ethical Slut.
So, practicalities:
* Sometimes it's a little weird to be the outsider with a coupled couple. You're often in their space, they know what they like, they have in-jokes, and you're like... "oh, hi." The easiest way to deal with this is to remember that YOU'RE the star of the movie, not them. This is about YOU, and what YOU want to do, and what you like. Sometimes it doesn't feel fun to be with a couple who knows everything about each other sexually. (Sometimes it does!)
* The process depends too on how much you like to know people before you sleep with them. Some of us like to go out to dinner, get dated a little. Some like to hop on over and get nekked. Most all of everyone likes to know who they are, to leave their phone number and address with a friend (don't have a friend? Time to make a new one! Email me or someone else! I promise to tell the police but not your family when you disappear) and do a little background check.
* You leave when you're not having fun or you don't feel safe. Practice saying: "Hey, you guys, this isn't really for me, I'm sorry!" Also practice saying: "No."
* It's fine to learn-as-you-go with dental dams because practice does not make perfect with those things, the ladies say. (The ladies say that before they give them up and throw them away usually, but you should adhere to your standards.)
* Try to have fun! There are no rules about how to behave or how to act. You should be treated with respect.
* Just like any date where sex is largely the object or even not, there are good dates and bad dates! There's no reason you can't go for a drink with a couple and not be interested and say "Thank you so much!" and go home. You get to do WHATEVER you want.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:20 AM on October 8, 2011 [18 favorites]
Ha, I wrote here something similar to what Forktine said. So, on preview, yeah what he said about safety. You don't need to give details, do you? You can just say "I plan to check in at midnight with you; please worry if I don't".
You'd want to ask about what their particular flavor of threesome fantasy is - how do they see it going? Does he want to watch while you play with her? Do they want both women focusing on the guy? Do they both want to work you over at the same time? It gives you an idea about their particular vision for the kink (so you can compare that to how you envision it) and you can keep your radar up for the "we have a script for our own private porn show and we're recruiting you as a poseable sex doll" or "I'm letting him/her do this because I feel I have to give in but I'm not really happy about it" sort of scenario.
You're juggling two individual people, and also their relationship. Look for things like: is she striking you as being actually bi or is she making a show for him? How in control is she of this whole thing - is she talking a lot, is she visibly excited? Does he look anxious, is he sulky, is he jealous? Is she jealous? Obviously the problem is that it may be "just sex" but it can pull up a lot of powerful emotions when one half of the couple actually sees the other half of the couple visibly into this stranger in front of them - am I not as hot as she is, or does she really want to be with me when she's all over this other woman, and so on.
It helps to project a level of detachment about the whole thing. The jealousy comes in when either party starts to worry you're working the scenario to get closer to the other one. In a casual situation it's probably most comfortable if that third feels like a fun and curious but ultimately unattached person; the couple can focus on this being a lightning bolt of once-in-a-lifetime, this may never happen again!, "she will move on to the next sexual adventure and we will be left with only the memory", etc. It's quite common for people to prefer a threesome with a sex worker or someone neither of them knows for this very reason; much lower chance of emotional entanglement.
Be aware this scenario is probably, to them, ALL ABOUT THEM, and you may get shunted aside at some point where no one is paying attention to you, simply watching them fuck. It's the risk of a casual encounter - people may not be careful about your feelings because they're focused on their own, and sex in any scenario (but especially casual) has the potential to go from hot/warm to cool quite quickly ("I'm finished, you can leave now"). If you haven't done much casual hooking up before, you should be prepared for that.
The "hot" is a lot less in your looks and a lot more in your demeanor. You are, after all, offering to help them fulfill a fantasy; you have your pick of couples that want someone to fill that role for them. Confidence! You sound lovely as you are; look for a mutual attraction.
Don't shave if you don't care to, and if you haven't before; you might end up with some painful road rash which would not be awesome for you in a casual situation! Really, if their expectations were that precise, you wouldn't want to play with them anyway, is my feeling.
If you want to use dental dams go ahead; laugh about it as you figure it out. In fact that goes back to what you should gauge them for; a sense of humor. Threesomes are just an inherently awkward scenario; they can be hot, for sure, but there's a lot to negotiate, and you want to be with a couple that isn't going to be too damn serious about the whole thing.
Have fun and keep your radar up - as with any casual encounter, trust your spidey-sense. You should feel reasonably comfortable the whole time, and if you don't, leave!
posted by flex at 8:23 AM on October 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
You'd want to ask about what their particular flavor of threesome fantasy is - how do they see it going? Does he want to watch while you play with her? Do they want both women focusing on the guy? Do they both want to work you over at the same time? It gives you an idea about their particular vision for the kink (so you can compare that to how you envision it) and you can keep your radar up for the "we have a script for our own private porn show and we're recruiting you as a poseable sex doll" or "I'm letting him/her do this because I feel I have to give in but I'm not really happy about it" sort of scenario.
You're juggling two individual people, and also their relationship. Look for things like: is she striking you as being actually bi or is she making a show for him? How in control is she of this whole thing - is she talking a lot, is she visibly excited? Does he look anxious, is he sulky, is he jealous? Is she jealous? Obviously the problem is that it may be "just sex" but it can pull up a lot of powerful emotions when one half of the couple actually sees the other half of the couple visibly into this stranger in front of them - am I not as hot as she is, or does she really want to be with me when she's all over this other woman, and so on.
It helps to project a level of detachment about the whole thing. The jealousy comes in when either party starts to worry you're working the scenario to get closer to the other one. In a casual situation it's probably most comfortable if that third feels like a fun and curious but ultimately unattached person; the couple can focus on this being a lightning bolt of once-in-a-lifetime, this may never happen again!, "she will move on to the next sexual adventure and we will be left with only the memory", etc. It's quite common for people to prefer a threesome with a sex worker or someone neither of them knows for this very reason; much lower chance of emotional entanglement.
Be aware this scenario is probably, to them, ALL ABOUT THEM, and you may get shunted aside at some point where no one is paying attention to you, simply watching them fuck. It's the risk of a casual encounter - people may not be careful about your feelings because they're focused on their own, and sex in any scenario (but especially casual) has the potential to go from hot/warm to cool quite quickly ("I'm finished, you can leave now"). If you haven't done much casual hooking up before, you should be prepared for that.
The "hot" is a lot less in your looks and a lot more in your demeanor. You are, after all, offering to help them fulfill a fantasy; you have your pick of couples that want someone to fill that role for them. Confidence! You sound lovely as you are; look for a mutual attraction.
Don't shave if you don't care to, and if you haven't before; you might end up with some painful road rash which would not be awesome for you in a casual situation! Really, if their expectations were that precise, you wouldn't want to play with them anyway, is my feeling.
If you want to use dental dams go ahead; laugh about it as you figure it out. In fact that goes back to what you should gauge them for; a sense of humor. Threesomes are just an inherently awkward scenario; they can be hot, for sure, but there's a lot to negotiate, and you want to be with a couple that isn't going to be too damn serious about the whole thing.
Have fun and keep your radar up - as with any casual encounter, trust your spidey-sense. You should feel reasonably comfortable the whole time, and if you don't, leave!
posted by flex at 8:23 AM on October 8, 2011 [14 favorites]
Nthing what was said above.
I'd also like to add that saran wrap/cling film makes a good dental dam.
I'd say meet a couple (also known as "Unicorn Hunters") a few times before you head into Sexy Fun Time. You need to find a couple who is interested in you as a person, not just as a Hot Bi Babe who can finally give them the opportunity to try out a fantasy they've had for many moons.
Oh, and if the woman in the couple is 100000% heterosexual and is completely unwilling to experiment with another woman, politely decline. It's in your best interest.
Good luck!
posted by luckynerd at 10:52 AM on October 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd also like to add that saran wrap/cling film makes a good dental dam.
I'd say meet a couple (also known as "Unicorn Hunters") a few times before you head into Sexy Fun Time. You need to find a couple who is interested in you as a person, not just as a Hot Bi Babe who can finally give them the opportunity to try out a fantasy they've had for many moons.
Oh, and if the woman in the couple is 100000% heterosexual and is completely unwilling to experiment with another woman, politely decline. It's in your best interest.
Good luck!
posted by luckynerd at 10:52 AM on October 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't be afraid to insist that they get tested for STDs!
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:23 AM on October 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:23 AM on October 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you go in with the attitude that you're a rare commodity in the driver's seat, you'll probably won't have much fun - there are three equal human beings here, looking to give and receive pleasure. Take whatever medical care seems wise to you. Meet in a hotel lobby, tell them frankly that you've given the hotel name and an idea of the situation to a friend for safety, and advise them to do the same. Pay your share; you're not for sale.
I'd advise you to go to a good sex club first, to find out how you feel about group sex - I loved it for several years, and after the first time, also set up threesome/moresome meets a couple of times a year. Met some lovely people, had a great time. Enjoy.
posted by nickji at 10:01 PM on October 11, 2011
I'd advise you to go to a good sex club first, to find out how you feel about group sex - I loved it for several years, and after the first time, also set up threesome/moresome meets a couple of times a year. Met some lovely people, had a great time. Enjoy.
posted by nickji at 10:01 PM on October 11, 2011
I get threesome offers all the time too! I hadn't heard all that rare unicorn shit and it's making me reconsider...:)
Yes, make sure the woman is into it too. A lot. At least as much if not more than the guy. You don't want to end up in a sexual experience where you are fucking one member of the couple and being actively and openly resented by the other member, and also make sure it isn't going to be a dynamic where you and the girl are competing to please the guy/"earn his affection", unless, for some truly inconceivable to me reason, that's what you want. I hope you want better than that for yourself!
Like everyone has said, please take a reasonable amount of precaution from both harm and STDs/pregnancy - tell someone you'll check in at whatever o'clock, and if she hasn't heard from you by then, she knows something is WRONG. If you're really self-conscious about it, you could give her a sealed envelope with the guy's contact info, the girl's contact info, the name of the place you were meeting. If the friend ever gets to the point where she feels she needs to open that envelope, you will just be relieved she had the info to get you out of the situation. Shame takes a backseat to base-level survival fears. Make sure you have your phone on you or near you and fully charged for the entirety of the "meeting". Meet them in public first. Use condoms for intercourse (I know you're supposed to, but I honestly don't know ANYONE who uses a condom for BJs and even less people who use a dental dam. I would rather not have someone go down on me (I'm a female) than have them lick me through a piece of plastic. That sounds extreeeemely sexually frustrating.)
I would say yes! Shave! But not for them, for you! If you're going to be getting lots of oral sex (which you mostly likely would, from both of them, in these situations), don't you want to be able to feel it on every inch of available skin? It feels MUCH better. I promise. Try it. Use lots of shaving cream and put vitamin E oil or gentle lotion on afterwards.
If people are approaching you for this purpose, they are clearly interested at least somewhat which means they already think you're hot. There should be absolutely no worries in this department.
Establish boundaries on all sides before hand. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I promise they'll find something equally as pleasing to them. Leave if you feel unsafe at all, making a call to your friend on your way out the door to expect a call from you when you arrive home in however many minutes.
Have 2-3 glasses of wine to get a buzz on and loosen up, but do NOT get drunk. It's not ideal for the first time of anything, and you need to be able to leave and drive home at any moment things go south.
My last piece of advice is do not enter into anything without feeling an attraction to both members of the couple. Don't let the excitement or sweet talk sweep you away. They can say the perfect things in text, but if, in person, you aren't attracted, it's gonna be super awkward.
GOOD LUCK! Get yours. Have fun. Be free. Enjoy the woman's body - it reacts in a way that is much more satisfying psychologically for the giver.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 6:52 PM on October 12, 2011
Yes, make sure the woman is into it too. A lot. At least as much if not more than the guy. You don't want to end up in a sexual experience where you are fucking one member of the couple and being actively and openly resented by the other member, and also make sure it isn't going to be a dynamic where you and the girl are competing to please the guy/"earn his affection", unless, for some truly inconceivable to me reason, that's what you want. I hope you want better than that for yourself!
Like everyone has said, please take a reasonable amount of precaution from both harm and STDs/pregnancy - tell someone you'll check in at whatever o'clock, and if she hasn't heard from you by then, she knows something is WRONG. If you're really self-conscious about it, you could give her a sealed envelope with the guy's contact info, the girl's contact info, the name of the place you were meeting. If the friend ever gets to the point where she feels she needs to open that envelope, you will just be relieved she had the info to get you out of the situation. Shame takes a backseat to base-level survival fears. Make sure you have your phone on you or near you and fully charged for the entirety of the "meeting". Meet them in public first. Use condoms for intercourse (I know you're supposed to, but I honestly don't know ANYONE who uses a condom for BJs and even less people who use a dental dam. I would rather not have someone go down on me (I'm a female) than have them lick me through a piece of plastic. That sounds extreeeemely sexually frustrating.)
I would say yes! Shave! But not for them, for you! If you're going to be getting lots of oral sex (which you mostly likely would, from both of them, in these situations), don't you want to be able to feel it on every inch of available skin? It feels MUCH better. I promise. Try it. Use lots of shaving cream and put vitamin E oil or gentle lotion on afterwards.
If people are approaching you for this purpose, they are clearly interested at least somewhat which means they already think you're hot. There should be absolutely no worries in this department.
Establish boundaries on all sides before hand. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I promise they'll find something equally as pleasing to them. Leave if you feel unsafe at all, making a call to your friend on your way out the door to expect a call from you when you arrive home in however many minutes.
Have 2-3 glasses of wine to get a buzz on and loosen up, but do NOT get drunk. It's not ideal for the first time of anything, and you need to be able to leave and drive home at any moment things go south.
My last piece of advice is do not enter into anything without feeling an attraction to both members of the couple. Don't let the excitement or sweet talk sweep you away. They can say the perfect things in text, but if, in person, you aren't attracted, it's gonna be super awkward.
GOOD LUCK! Get yours. Have fun. Be free. Enjoy the woman's body - it reacts in a way that is much more satisfying psychologically for the giver.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 6:52 PM on October 12, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Forktine at 7:37 AM on October 8, 2011 [8 favorites]