Sexual awakening: From vanilla to firecracker?
October 3, 2012 2:51 PM Subscribe
Personal experiences where your partner was initially not very sexually adventurous, but now is?
posted by anonymous to human relations (46 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I have an awesome, awesome girlfriend -- one that I want to marry one day. There's only one thing I'm a bit concerned about. I tend to be (in the past) a sexually adventurous person, and very open with my sexuality, but she's not. We're both in our early 30s.
We have great sex and she's amazing in bed (no complaints about her techniques here at all). Probably nothing that most people would have issue with. But I like anal play (toys and anal sex) and she has indicated more than once that it's off limits and something she doesn't like. I do understand that some people genuinely don't like that zone, but she's never even tried it (not with previous partners or me), so she can't really know.
Additionally, I have also been in threesomes or foursomes (with close friends) a handful of times and really enjoyed it. She never has. I would love to experience that again, especially with some of our close friends that I think (but am not certain) would be open to it. I also have explored polyamory in the past (in theory, not practice) and that is also something that interests me.
I can tell that she, however, is not interested in these options at all, primarily due to reasons of jealousy (she thinks I'll become attracted to someone else and leave her -- which if you know us, is a foolish thought). Plus, two of our friends have tried the whole open relationship thing and it ended up not working (again, jealousy), so that experience seems to have even further entrenched her views.
It's not a dealbreaker if she's not into threesomes or open relationships etc, but I have heard (anecdotally) that these possibilities can mature over time (e.g. seeing on OK Cupid where people write "We've been together for 5 years and decided to try the open relationship thing and it's been fun"). In general, it rubs me the wrong way when people are against something without even trying it first. Like when people say they'd hate skydiving, but know nothing about it.
I think her reluctance at anal play, threesomes, or open relationships comes from a fear that she won't like it, jealousy that I will be more attracted to someone else, and an inability to relax and enjoy it if she did say yes.
(And no, I haven't actually sat down and directly said "Honey, I think it'd be fun if we had a foursome with some of our friends" because I am certain she'd be weirded out, would worry about it for weeks, and wouldn't do it anyway.)
Has this happened to you? Was your partner initially (say, first few years) not into sharing you sexually with other people and then changed their mind? What insight can you provide?
If it matters: We live in Northern CA (north of SF) and don't want kids (I can't make anyone pregnant, and she can't get pregnant). We hang mainly with people who are hippy-ish and progressive, have gardens, shop at farmer's markets, homebrew beer, ride bikes, go camping, and that sort of stuff.