Are threesomes worth it?

June 2, 2008 10:47 AM

Are threesomes worth it?

I'm a straight male, and I've never been with two women at once. I can tell that I'm nearing the point in my life where I'm going to have to decide whether to try to make this happen, or just accept that this isn't an experience I'm ever going to have. (I know, anything can happen at any time, but this is not what my question is about.) The fantasy, of course, is awesome: delicious, mindblowing, best sex ever. But I'm curious about the reality of it. The dynamics in the bedroom can be challenging with only two players and adding a third just seems to guarantee complications. And of course, it's much more complicated even to find people up for such an activity. So is it worth it? Is it that much better than (or even just different from) one-on-one sex to make it something one should seek out?

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 comments total)

Worth trying, for sure. You just need to make sure everyone's expectations are the same from the get-go. Just like any sexual relationship, only it's harder to balance 3 people's expectations than it is 2. Keep that in mind! Oh and... no glove, no love?
posted by sunshinesky at 11:08 AM on June 2

Are you in a serious relationship with one of the women? If you are the initiator of this fantasy, and not her, please be aware that some women I've known are initially receptive but react very badly (read: jealously) to this when it actually happens. Is it worth risking your relationship?
posted by desjardins at 11:14 AM on June 2

The fantasy, of course, is awesome: delicious, mindblowing, best sex ever.

I'd work from the assumption that your experience of a threesome, like everything "mindblowing" and the "best ever" isn't going to be as mind-blowing as you think it is.

Keep this in mind when weighing your options.

I also think this works better the more anonymously carried out. The emotional risks are much lower.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:18 AM on June 2

Better? What's "better"? If any one kind of sex was "better" than the others, the world would be a dull and dreary place. Thankfully, different people like different things, so we don't have to put up with all that monotony.

If you genuinely fantasize about threesomes, then hey, go have a threesome. If you're just curious because some buddy of yours is all DUDE YOU GOTTA TRY THIS — or because everyone on Metafilter is all DUDE YOU GOTTA TRY THIS, or whatever — then you're probably gonna be disappointed.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:20 AM on June 2

The short answer is: Sometimes.

My advice:

Make absolutely certain that everyone involved has roughly equal levels of attraction to one another, because while being the "pivot point" in the interaction sounds great on paper, it's a lot of work and will almost certainly guarantee that at least one of the people involved will be left out of the action for at least part of the time.

If you're in a relationship, or joining a couple who're in a relationship, just forget about it. The politics and drama that are likely to spring up just are not worth it. If you can find two partners who are interested and none of you are previously involved with one another, things are much more satisfying in the long run for everyone involved.

It's not really significantly better than sex with a single partner, in fact, in many ways it can be worse. Having said that, it's a novel experience and it's something about which you can brag to friends, and crossing it off your Things To Do Before I Die list makes you feel like a rock star.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:20 AM on June 2

You don't give much detail.

If you are in a committed relationship, you should make sure it is bloody strong before inviting someone else into the bedroom. I'm talking years of solid commitment, no side affairs, nothing that will come up later as part of a pattern of non-philandering. I've had many friends flounder on the rocks of threesomes (to mix a metaphor).

On the other hand, if it's just a hook up with twins, bi-curious roommates, a girl and her MILF or whatever--enjoy!
posted by OlderThanTOS at 11:20 AM on June 2

I realize this is one of the classic male fantasies, but from personal experience, its not really all it's cracked up to be. All I'm gonna say is there is a LOT of elbows and knees involved and there can be some serious emotional consequences ie what desjardins said. Be very very sure if there's an SO involved - and you too. Just because there are two others there doesnt mean it will be "the best sex ever". It's all about dynamics. Make sure that dynamic is something you can live with. Just my two pennies.
posted by elendil71 at 11:21 AM on June 2

Are you in a serious relationship with one of the women? If you are the initiator of this fantasy, and not her

Do not have a threesome involving someone with whom you have a serious relationship, regardless of who initiates the idea. You will break your relationship.

Otherwise, go nuts.
posted by dersins at 11:22 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

The fantasy can certainly outweigh the reality...especially the first time out. My first one was NOT mind-blowing. Fun, yeah, but expectations are very high in a FMF threeway.

Having them in a committed relationship may be a bad idea as it may lead to jealousy, and even if you think ahead of time "I won't feel jealous" you never know what you might feel at the time.

Then again, you might not feel jealous, but your girlfriend might... Imagine if you are in a committed relationship having a MFM threeway, would you be okay with seeing her do those things? If not, why would she be okay seeing you do them?

I highly recommend a podcast called Sex Is Fun Their early episodes especially deal with these topics in an intelligent way from people who have been in these experiences. So if it's something you really want to explore, download the first dozen episodes of Sex Is Fun and really think about it.

In the end, I think it's like the old Seinfeld episode when Jerry is offered a 3-way with 2 women, he just decides he's "not an orgy guy". You might be an orgy guy, you might not be, but it's not like you must have a 3-way before you die to be let into the afterlife. If it's not your thing, don't force it on yourself due to the public expectations put forth by pop culture and porn. But if it's your thing, if you're prepared for whatever comes of it, including it not being mind-blowing, then ride that tricycle!
posted by arniec at 11:25 AM on June 2

It is a lot of fun, but tends to destroy the relationship you are in. And if it happens, realize that you will be on a happy cloud for days afterwards and that can really affect your judgement badly.
posted by w0mbat at 11:29 AM on June 2

depends on if you're in a relationship. if not, go for it and cross it off your list. if you are, then you and your lady need to have a very long, very frank talk with some time to think about it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:31 AM on June 2

Threeways can also destroy friendships so, if you are planning for the second woman to be one of your SO's friends this could be a problem. Again, mentioned upthread is advice regarding the commitment levels of the various parties; do not ignore this advice. You better be real sure that your SO is into this or there are deeper repercussions than you bargained for.
posted by jadepearl at 11:48 AM on June 2

It seems to me that the potential for awkward dynamics during and afterwards are directly related to the level of orchestration involved in pulling off a 3+ partner encounter.

I'd say, hope for a spontaneous opportunity to come your way and perhaps nudge it along by hanging around/ partying with adventurous people.

I am speaking from experience.
posted by InstantSanitizer at 11:51 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

Having had threesomes with men, women, and men and women? I can say that maybe once it was worth it. The rest of the times... even when it was a fivesome... not so much.

Mindblowing sex comes from knowing each other's bodies really well, and knowing what to do, and trusting the other person, plus, for me at least, being in love.

Everything else sort of feels like "huh, am I doing this right?" and is super-distracting from the main event, i.e., mutual bliss.

If you aren't in a relationship with either of the girls and you haven't had sex with either one of them, imagine what it would be like if they decide they are more interested in each other than in you... and then imagine you can't get it up, or come too fast, or one of the girls gets weird and leaves the room and starts crying.

Really, it can be good, or it can be terrible. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. And don't think that it's going to be like some porno you've wanted to reenact since you were 15, either. Real sex isn't fantasy, because there are emotions involved that you can't control (ie, those that are not your own).
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:53 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

oops, rather: "the potential for blah blah blah IS directly related to.. blah blah blah..."
posted by InstantSanitizer at 11:53 AM on June 2

With all the votes for "threesome = end of relationship" I want to throw in one vote for, "not necessarily." Like every other change or new challenge in a relationship, it's all about communication and honesty. The chances of it going sideways are directly proportional to the amount of lies and self-deception going on before, during, and after.
posted by ga$money at 12:04 PM on June 2

It has an awful lot to do with your expectations and your fantasy. Is your crank being turned primarily by idea of two girls attending (ahem) to you, or by being able to be up close with two girls having sex with each other? In what role have you cast yourself -- provider of multiple orgasms to multiple girls, or participant in overall situational hotness?

(The latter is a better bet for your enjoyment. Speaking as a girl who has done this, I'll tell you that if the girls are into each other, you may realize that your presence seems less important than you may have imagined.)

Are you the type of person who has taken advantage of other unusual circumstances, or is this out-of-character for you? The latter will mean that you're going to be more nervous and feel more pressure, not necessarily a great thing in the boudoir, no? Who do you envision taking the lead, and how does this jibe with your expectations?

I can tell that I'm nearing the point in my life where I'm going to have to decide whether to try to make this happen, or just accept that this isn't an experience I'm ever going to have.

It can be a fun thing to cross off your list. But it's okay if you're just not the kind of guy who wound up doing this. It's not so vital to your sexual experience that it's weird that you haven't done it -- it's not analogous to going through your life without ever getting a blowjob.

Seconding the Sex Is Fun podcasts.
posted by desuetude at 12:04 PM on June 2

fcomment from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous....

I'm female and have never quite understood straight guys' fixation on the two-girls-at-once fantasy… but I have been in a few threesomes and foursomes of various gender ratios.

They were all okay. Not great, not bad, just okay. They were about as good as any standard hookup. They have a higher-than-normal potential for sex awkwardness, because more people equals more "okay, umm, so like does this feel good?" and more "my leg is cramped, can we switch positions?," and because in most situations, at least two of you will be seeing each other naked for the first time. It's never been relationship-breaking emotional awkwardness for me or any of my friends, just bumbling sex awkwardness.

Generally the attention is difficult to spread evenly among all three people, so it might end up kind of like two people having sex with each other while the third idly rubs someone's breast in an attempt to be a part of things. The two women involved are probably not going to be hungrily fighting over who gets to please you first and best, but attempting to get themselves off... or silently comparing stretch marks and nipple sizes, looking at the clock on the nightstand, or discovering for the first time that maybe they're not as bi-curious as they thought.

I don't regret having done any of them, but on the other hand I don't think my sex life would be less complete if I'd given any or all of them a miss. I know it's a cliche, but the best sex of my life has been in the context of a committed monogamous relationship.

posted by jessamyn at 12:10 PM on June 2 [2 favorites]

Somebody always gets left out in these situations.
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 12:14 PM on June 2

if you're male, im not sure that a threesome is exactly what you're after; more of the fantasy of having 2 girls servicing you is what i'd guess.

my threesome fantasies never involve me actually taking care of both of the girls needs, though they are both very attentive to mine.

what im saying is it probably sounds better than it is in practice, and the end result is pretty much the same with one partner as it will be with multiple.
posted by fumbducker at 12:17 PM on June 2

Two things:

One, threesomes can very much jeopardize relationships, whether they are friendships or committed relationships, due to awkwardness/jealously issues.

Two, outside of a swingers club or your local polyamory league, you are probably not going to be able to get a threesome unless you are in a committed relationship or good friends with one or more of the participants. Every guy's dream is to be able to post an ad on Craigslist and have a hot lesbian couple respond. Guess how many actually fulfill it? (For an inkling, check out the casual encounters section and notice the ratio of men looking for women and women looking for men.)
posted by schroedinger at 12:19 PM on June 2

I wouldn't do it wth an SO, for sure. (I've never been in one, but it's been a fantasy.) I'm thinking that just being with one really creative and enthusiastic person is sufficient. In other words, I don't feel the lack and have had some rockin' sex.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:31 PM on June 2

1. I have NEVER seen anybody leave a threesome experience and have a good relationship if their partner was involved. NEVER EVER. This crosses gender, sexuality, race, EVERYTHING. NEVER EVER.

A friend who had just found his "soulmate" learned this the hard way a few weeks ago. I really stressed this to him, but he felt his relationship was "above common problems". Apparently not.

2. I also have NEVER seen 3 people who had no emotional investment in anybody involved in the threesome leave the experience feeling as if it wasn't worth it.

So in the end:

If you are in a relationship, don't do it. If you aren't...I can't see any reason not to.

Some tips though:

1. Condoms. No glove, no love. I'm not talking 1-2. I'm talking 20. If a dude is "inside" a participant...and wants to get in another...throw off the condom, put on another. Yeah, it can kinda be a moodkiller, if you're not fast, but rather a moodkiller, than something worse. Practice.

2. YOU HAVE TO TAKE TIME. I'm not talking about 2 hours. I'm talking about 9pm-7am; 10 hours. That way, by the time session closes, you won't even think "ZOMG...I TOTALLY forgot to try..."

3. Pack your place with tons of cold bottled water, cut melons (honeydew, cantaloupes, watermelon, etc). For a 10 hour session, you will need it.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 12:33 PM on June 2

If you're going to do this with your girlfriend, then you better be confident she is the exact right amount of heterosexual, else she may break up with you to begin a relationship with the other girl. That's how I broke up with my first serious b/f at any rate. And I'd say I'm about 98% straight. I broke up with her 6 months later and have only wanted to be with men since then. He was pretty messed up for a long time afterwards and has never forgiven me. So also make sure that deep down inside you're not a big baby who can't handle the vast variety of repercussions you may or may not experience.
posted by zarah at 1:12 PM on June 2

Do not have a threesome involving someone with whom you have a serious relationship, regardless of who initiates the idea. You will break your relationship.

Not true.

As to whether it's worth it, well, that depends. Like "regular" sex, sometimes it is, sometime it isn't.
posted by rodgerd at 1:12 PM on June 2

If you're in a relationship with either party, don't do it.
If they're in a relationship together and you'd feel bad if they broke up, don't do it.

I only know from having to explain to my daughter why a playmate went from having one mom and dad to having two moms and one dad to two moms and a dad who lives on the other side of town but still pays for the old house plus alimony plus childcare.

If they're two girls who you just met and they're both equally cute and they're kind of competitive friends who are going to show off to one another by competing to please you and turn you on and you'll never see either of them again, welcome to the pages of Penthouse Letters.
posted by Gucky at 1:13 PM on June 2

To provide a contrary experience to hal_c_on's, I've never spent 10! hours having sex with anyone, no matter how many people were involved. Also, I know plenty of couples who had threesomes without it breaking them up.

In fact, you want complicated? I was involved with my ex-boyfriend and his subsequent girlfriend. They've been happily married for 10 years now, and we still e-mail occasionally.
posted by desuetude at 1:35 PM on June 2

Eh.

I've been in 3 3somes. One was a total waste of time (we were all too wasted to make it happen); one was a classic "Hey, why not?" hookup with 2 chicks who dug each other, too; and the last time was weird, just weird. Worked, but only barely.

The middle one, with the 2 bi chicks, was only spoiled by the fact that one of the chicks was really only there to get action with the other girl. Fortunately, chick #2 noticed that I was being left out of the receive-fun part of the festivities, and compensated. I had a good time, but not great. As many have said, don't go in with "THIS WILL BE MINDBLOWING!!!" expectations.

So, I guess I'm 1 for 3, or 1 for 2 (since the numbers didn't ruin the first occasion; the booze did).

It can work. I'm glad I've done it, so I don't spend my days fantasizing "What if...?"
posted by IAmBroom at 2:11 PM on June 2

It's not relationship kryptonite, people, it's just sex. Of course if you have that attitude it helps.

Anyway, hang with adventurous people, be flirty and open, maybe it'll happen. It is fun, also awkward like any one-night-stand can be. (I.e. you go out for breakfast afterwards and get all pissed when you find out that you boinked a social darwinist)

If you're really into it, REALLY INTO IT, either go the escort route or hang with a lady who is sexually open to it from the get-go. Don't try to pressure, convice, coerce, etc. a more traditional partner who's just not into it. Pressured sex sucks.

Good luck!
posted by sondrialiac at 2:56 PM on June 2

I did it a couple of times with an ex, it was interesting and satisfied some curiosity - but mostly now I just think 'well at least I know what it's like' and yeah, it's something to tick off the list in terms of experiences. It didn't ruin my relationship and I can't say I'd rule it out again, under the right circumstances.
posted by poissonrouge at 3:55 PM on June 2

Not true.
posted by rodgerd

Sure it is. Yes, you can find stories where a threesome didn't eventually break up a serious relationship. You can also find people who fought a grizzly and survived. Those are the exceptions that prove the rule.

Just saying 'not true' is misleading and dangerous.
posted by Dennis Murphy at 5:51 PM on June 2

My own experience echoes the others in this thread. The one that I was involved with was the result of my then-girlfriend and a friend of ours (female) hanging out in our room. We were the sorts of friends who comfortable laying around on a bed together and cuddling and that sort of thing. The right combination of people, mood, music, weather, lunar cycles and sexual orientations (both of the women were bi) produced a spontaneous shared sexual experience.

It was... pretty good. Not great. Not mind-blowing. A far cry from the best sex I've ever had. It was a nice experience with two people about whom I cared a great deal. I never could have engineered it, and attempting to probably would have been an exercise in hurting feelings.

To answer the question: It's probably not worth the time and energy you will expend or the risk you will incur to any relationship that's involved.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:47 PM on June 2

another comment by someone who would prefer to remain anonymous

No, no it's not true that threesomes are relationship kryptonite. Anyone who tells you this is grossly overgeneralizing or just plain bitter. My partner and I (bi-curious lesbians) have had a few threesomes with men over the ten years of our relationship. Some were bad, some were meh, two were fabulous. We are still together (I think a decade is a pretty good marker of success) still madly in love with each other, and still up for more threesomes in the future.

What made the marvelous ones marvelous was the fact that we knew and were actually friends with the men involved. We were comfortable with them. One was a long distance friend who we got together with for a weekend and one was a good friend who we are still good (non-sexual) friends with. The meh or downright bad ones were with people we picked up at a bar or online, and involved too much alcohol. A little bit of booze helps, but don't overdo it or you can't, er, perform.

The first threesome we had was so disappointing that we almost stopped there, so, just so you know - even if you try it, it might not be great the first time. What often happens is that two people go at it and the third just sort of waits their turn. In my experiences it was often the women who took turns fucking and waiting, not that we were taking turns servicing the man - it seemed to me to be more about us than about him. Maybe that's just us though. I think most of the men were just so happy that we were involving them in a threesome that they wanted to make sure we got our fun out of it.

Anyway, go for it, but don't assume it's going to be the best sex ever. Have lots of water nearby, lots of condoms and lube, a little alcohol if you want it, reasonable expectations, and a good attitude. You may end up being little more than a glorified sex toy for the women or you may find yourself at the centre of your private harem. Who knows?

posted by jessamyn at 7:18 PM on June 2

So not relationship wrecking. God, I am, like, the most neurotic, self-loathing person on earth and my boyfriend and I were totally able to pull off a successful threesome only a couple years into our relationship. And while our relationship was solid, we both felt then that it was forever, I was in no way solid. I am capable of unknown levels of insecurity, sometimes I have to just randomly call Angelina Jolie ugly just so that I can continue my day without exploding from the bubbling self-hatred. But me? I was able to have an awesome threesome without even a quibble, nevermind an insane no self-esteem shouting and breaking stuff fest that I may or may not be known to have. (Hi, I'm the girl Metafilter tells you not to date whenever they say "Don't date crazy!")

For me it was pretty great. It felt very near to being cheated on, one of my go-to fantasies, without the horribleness of actually being cheated on. And I can't remember anyone ever really being left out or things getting awkward. Except that I'm more bitey than she liked. Whoops.

He liked it a lot. I guess there's a lot to be said for being able to bring up the visual recall, whenever you like, of two girls clamoring for your penis. And that's the thing, right? You don't just get the experience, you get por...I mean, memories.
posted by birdie birdington at 7:28 PM on June 2 [3 favorites]

Not true.
posted by rodgerd

Sure it is. Yes, you can find stories where a threesome didn't eventually break up a serious relationship. You can also find people who fought a grizzly and survived. Those are the exceptions that prove the rule.

Just saying 'not true' is misleading and dangerous.
posted by Dennis Murphy

Oh, for pete's sake. This is not a yes or no question. There is no "rule."

anonymous, to answer another aspect of your question -- is it so much different from one-on-one sex? The negative side: as previously mentioned, you've got extra knees, elbows, and hearts involved. The positive side: it's harder to take all of those knees and elbows Too Seriously when there's someone else to start the giggling.
posted by desuetude at 7:33 PM on June 2

Not true.
posted by rodgerd

Sure it is. Yes, you can find stories where a threesome didn't eventually break up a serious relationship. You can also find people who fought a grizzly and survived.

If you bothered to read the post I replied to, you'd see the assertion was that it always breaks up the relationship. That is bullshit, as a number of people have stated.

The fact a few people here either have had some bad experiences or desperately want it to be true does not make the assertion any less bullshit.

Those are the exceptions that prove the rule.

Just saying 'not true' is misleading and dangerous.

No more misleading that desjardin's original comment - or yours, for that matter.
posted by rodgerd at 10:05 PM on June 2

I can tell that I'm nearing the point in my life where I'm going to have to decide whether to try to make this happen, or just accept that this isn't an experience I'm ever going to have.

I'm curious why you think this is something you have to do right now. Sex doesn't end when you hit 20, in fact a lot of women I know feel the sex they are having in their thirties is the best sex they have had and they are more open to threesomes in their relationships because they feel secure and yet want something to liven the monogamy. It is definitely NOT a relationship killer unless their were pre-existing problems but I think it takes a lot of maturity for the man to navigate the emotional side successfully. I think it important to reassure your SO afterwards through words and actions that the experience was special because it was shared with them. It is a fine line making the primary partner feel special without making her feel like you are being nice just in order to get another threesome. I don't feel the dynamics in the bedroom are that complicated with two and with three one person can take a break without losing the others losing momentum.

Personally, yeah I like them and they are lots of fun but I wouldn't have risked a shaky relationship just to have the experience. I think it is also heavily affected by how you (and your SO) view sex, whether you are okay with casual sex or prefer sex with people you have a relationship or an emotional connection with (you can have threesomes either way - but the second one is harder to find partners for). If it is really something you want to try (and you aren't in a relationship) then hiring a couple of professionals is an option. That at least reduces the emotional aspect of the situation.
posted by saucysault at 6:53 AM on June 3 [1 favorite]

SCIENCE!
posted by clockwork at 9:29 AM on June 3

If you're in any kind of committed relationship, it's not worth it; Just think how awkward it is for a married couple to have dinner with a third person.

If you're a kid and want to get in one last hurrah with two women who you like but aren't committed to in any way, be safe and go nuts. Otherwise, you'll have thrown away a relationship (or at least seriously stressed it) for a fantasy that's really likely hotter in your imagination than in reality.
posted by anildash at 9:01 AM on June 4

Just think how awkward it is for a married couple to have dinner with a third person.

How is it awkward for a married couple to have dinner with a third person?

(Presuming that we're not talking about post-coitus midnight refrigerator-raiding "dinner" or a 3rd-party-intrusion into a romantic anniversary dinner. I get how those would be awkward.)
posted by desuetude at 9:41 AM on June 4

I should say, how awkward it can be, if someone feels like a third wheel. It helps if you, as I do, picture everything as being the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp.
posted by anildash at 10:06 AM on June 4

Just think how awkward it is for a married couple to have dinner with a third person.

Oh shit, is it supposed to be awkward? I must be doing something wrong; next time I go to dinner with my wife and another person I'll be sure to make the "third wheel" feel as awkward as possible.

In my experience, a threesome can be really fun. It can be awkward, too, but I think it's not very different from having sex with one person. Good sex takes practice, and different people are in to different things, so when you throw an extra person in the mix, it can be confusing. (also, at times possibly giggle worthy ;) Try to be mature about it, and try to have good communication. Just like between two people, it's really important to convey whether something is doing it for you or not.

I've never had a threesome with someone I wasn't romantically involved with, and nothing exploded as a result. I suspect you won't know for sure how maturely everyone can handle it, until after it's happened--keep that in mind, and be sure everyone is willing to deal with the consequences before you go ahead with the plan.
posted by darkshade at 2:22 PM on June 12