Nice shoes, wanna have a threesome?
March 2, 2007 6:53 PM Subscribe
A threesome invitation should should be like... probably NSFW.
So my SO and I have been dating for about 2 years. We have grown very comfortable in our sex life. We even have introduced toys into the bedroom. We have been flirting with the idea of having a threesome, but have always just talked and not acted upon it. We even listened to some pod casts about it. Neither of us has ever had one before.
But we have met this girl, whom we both like. My SO’s rules with a threesome are that it cannot be someone who she is going to have to see frequently after and is not as good looking as herself. This girl fits within those specs. (Just for clarification, we are not interested in escorts.) She has also come up with several other rules for having one. Mostly, I can touch but cannot ‘stick it in her’. At least those could be rules for the first one. Safe sex will always be practiced.
We would like to know other rules/options that can provide comfort to everyone. As well as, what is the best way to invite another woman into our bedroom? Should I do it? Should she?
Please feel free to email me through my profile if you would like to answer me anonymously or have a question. A few of my friends read this site and they do not need to know about my explorations either…
So my SO and I have been dating for about 2 years. We have grown very comfortable in our sex life. We even have introduced toys into the bedroom. We have been flirting with the idea of having a threesome, but have always just talked and not acted upon it. We even listened to some pod casts about it. Neither of us has ever had one before.
But we have met this girl, whom we both like. My SO’s rules with a threesome are that it cannot be someone who she is going to have to see frequently after and is not as good looking as herself. This girl fits within those specs. (Just for clarification, we are not interested in escorts.) She has also come up with several other rules for having one. Mostly, I can touch but cannot ‘stick it in her’. At least those could be rules for the first one. Safe sex will always be practiced.
We would like to know other rules/options that can provide comfort to everyone. As well as, what is the best way to invite another woman into our bedroom? Should I do it? Should she?
Please feel free to email me through my profile if you would like to answer me anonymously or have a question. A few of my friends read this site and they do not need to know about my explorations either…
Please feel free to email me through my profile
Since you've posted anonymously, that's impossible. You could email one of the admins and see if they'd post your email address in the thread for you, though.
posted by scody at 7:00 PM on March 2, 2007
Since you've posted anonymously, that's impossible. You could email one of the admins and see if they'd post your email address in the thread for you, though.
posted by scody at 7:00 PM on March 2, 2007
Because of some very unpleasant scandals surrounding my local police force, the New Zealand Herald covered this very topic today. Note the quote from the clinical psychologist at the end of the article: "High risk activity".
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:26 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:26 PM on March 2, 2007
just fyi, you will run the risk of distancing any "non-professional" you (or her) asks. It would be a delicate affair so say the least. The ONE time I was in a relationship where an outside lady made overtures of this type to us, it was so subtle it was only much later I realized what was being asked.
As well, er, those that might be up for such a thing may have issues with the strict boundaries being placed. She would have to be predominately into F2F type sexual activity. Would your SO be up for a threesome with an extra male where the rules are touch but don't use?
*shrug*
posted by edgeways at 7:43 PM on March 2, 2007
As well, er, those that might be up for such a thing may have issues with the strict boundaries being placed. She would have to be predominately into F2F type sexual activity. Would your SO be up for a threesome with an extra male where the rules are touch but don't use?
*shrug*
posted by edgeways at 7:43 PM on March 2, 2007
I caught my mistake after I submitted it but my email to the admins didn't catch them in time. I decided I would rick my anonymity since I would like an answer to the question.
posted by thetenthstory at 7:43 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by thetenthstory at 7:43 PM on March 2, 2007
*sorry, risk.
posted by thetenthstory at 7:44 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by thetenthstory at 7:44 PM on March 2, 2007
Alright, this may not be the answer you requested, but it is relevant to your situation:
Hot Bi Babes
posted by Monday at 7:44 PM on March 2, 2007 [4 favorites]
Hot Bi Babes
posted by Monday at 7:44 PM on March 2, 2007 [4 favorites]
You don't mention if you've followed the number one rule or no, but always have a safe word. Even if you're not doing anything, er, physically dangerous, you're doing something which may end up making one or both of you feel icky, so knowing that you have a prearranged way for telling the other person/people "I want out of this" is important.
posted by anaelith at 7:50 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by anaelith at 7:50 PM on March 2, 2007
And failing to preview, EXACTLY what Monday said. Totally. Completely. 100%. What I really wanted to say but couldn't find a way to without sounding like an ass.
posted by anaelith at 7:54 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by anaelith at 7:54 PM on March 2, 2007
Seriously? Try a bar. I have female friends who have been propositioned for this before, many times. The pickup is always the same, which indicates that swingers must have some game plan that works for them. It usually starts out casual enough and then overtones are made less and less subtle. I think this is the only way to find someone normal who would do this (sorry but it seems way too risky to try web sites as with this plan you can judge over the course of the evening if someone is socially not crazy).
Oh, and your girlfriend doesn't sound really into it. Sorry but way too many rules that show lack of confidence in herself, the relationship or both. I could be off, but I've only heard of threesomes working if (1) cocaine can be blame for it happening, (2) the two are sexy-crazy and don't have any rules. I could be wrong, but I could be right.
posted by geoff. at 8:04 PM on March 2, 2007
Oh, and your girlfriend doesn't sound really into it. Sorry but way too many rules that show lack of confidence in herself, the relationship or both. I could be off, but I've only heard of threesomes working if (1) cocaine can be blame for it happening, (2) the two are sexy-crazy and don't have any rules. I could be wrong, but I could be right.
posted by geoff. at 8:04 PM on March 2, 2007
I'd take that Hot Bi Babes piece in perspective. Which is to say, consider how attractive y'all are or aren't.
I didn't overanalyze potential mistreatments when very very attractive people have expressed interest in me. Very very hot and smart and interesting people can get away with a lot more than common folk.
And for a one time thing? Lord, the world is teeming with hot slutty girls who are smart about their own safety, easy to get along with, fun, and not in need of tons of emotional support from casual partners.
I really wouldn't go through with it with all the rules though. That's far more complicated than I'd want to have to sit down and negotiate with a casual sex partner.
posted by birdie birdington at 8:13 PM on March 2, 2007
I didn't overanalyze potential mistreatments when very very attractive people have expressed interest in me. Very very hot and smart and interesting people can get away with a lot more than common folk.
And for a one time thing? Lord, the world is teeming with hot slutty girls who are smart about their own safety, easy to get along with, fun, and not in need of tons of emotional support from casual partners.
I really wouldn't go through with it with all the rules though. That's far more complicated than I'd want to have to sit down and negotiate with a casual sex partner.
posted by birdie birdington at 8:13 PM on March 2, 2007
You sez:
My sense is that unless you're both 150% into it, it's probably not worth the trouble to take Other People from fantasy to the bedroom. Particularly if there's an issue of perceived competition or threat (which: see above). What's up with the 'as long as she's less attractive than me' rider? Sounds like GF perceives that she's doing you a favour. In which case: no favour is actually being done. Incurring a debt of that sort ain't worth it, period. I totally disagree with geoff up above - you can definitely work such a thing into a fairly mainstream relationship. But bear in mind, it's probably a rather different experience, emotionally speaking, than you're imagining. More demanding indeed (barring, y'know, cocaine-fueled nihilistic group fucking, which has its own tensions as you can imagine).
As far as invitations go - there's little in this universe hotter than tag-team flirting with a partner. Once you're both into it authentically - and have talked it over beforehand, as far as what it's all supposed to mean and whatnot - then go bang the boards, cowboy! Stock up on condoms and dental dams first, and remember that the fluid-exchange caution extends to your toys.
Best of luck.
posted by waxbanks at 8:56 PM on March 2, 2007 [2 favorites]
We have grown very comfortable in our sex life....yet...
My SO’s rules with a threesome are that it cannot be someone who she is going to have to see frequently after and is not as good looking as herself.Ladies and gentlemen, this appears to be something of a 'contradiction in terms,' n'est pas?
My sense is that unless you're both 150% into it, it's probably not worth the trouble to take Other People from fantasy to the bedroom. Particularly if there's an issue of perceived competition or threat (which: see above). What's up with the 'as long as she's less attractive than me' rider? Sounds like GF perceives that she's doing you a favour. In which case: no favour is actually being done. Incurring a debt of that sort ain't worth it, period. I totally disagree with geoff up above - you can definitely work such a thing into a fairly mainstream relationship. But bear in mind, it's probably a rather different experience, emotionally speaking, than you're imagining. More demanding indeed (barring, y'know, cocaine-fueled nihilistic group fucking, which has its own tensions as you can imagine).
As far as invitations go - there's little in this universe hotter than tag-team flirting with a partner. Once you're both into it authentically - and have talked it over beforehand, as far as what it's all supposed to mean and whatnot - then go bang the boards, cowboy! Stock up on condoms and dental dams first, and remember that the fluid-exchange caution extends to your toys.
Best of luck.
posted by waxbanks at 8:56 PM on March 2, 2007 [2 favorites]
(Oh but to clarify: I only disagree with geoff about the coke thing. He's spot-on about the bar.)
posted by waxbanks at 8:57 PM on March 2, 2007
posted by waxbanks at 8:57 PM on March 2, 2007
Before true love and all, I was propositioned by couples many times. Sometimes successfully. [wink]
Your girlfriend's rules aren't particularly unusual, and the fact that you are okay with agreeing to not have, y'know, "stick it in" intercourse may even make it easier to find a third. In this scenario, though, she's going to have to take control of the flirting, though waxbanks is right about tag-team flirting.
However, has your girlfriend ever had any kind of sexual contact with another woman? If not, then what exactly do you two envison occuring the bedroom? The prospect of a threesome with some not-even-bicurious chick who is likely going to balk at anything beyond kissing and first base? Uhh, not worth it. Any situation in which I felt pretty much like a prop to spice up someone's sex life? Uhh, not worth it.
Opportunity for sex with a funny, cute, sexy girl who has a nice, sexy boyfriend...and the couple is comfortable enough to invite me back to their bedroom? Well, if it seems like it would be fun, then hey, maybe. It's all in the attitude.
I could be off, but I've only heard of threesomes working if (1) cocaine can be blame for it happening, (2) the two are sexy-crazy and don't have any rules. I could be wrong, but I could be right.
What do you mean by "working?" There's a lot of ground in between "failure" and "hottest sexxx evar would do 4ever!"
posted by desuetude at 9:32 PM on March 2, 2007 [1 favorite]
Your girlfriend's rules aren't particularly unusual, and the fact that you are okay with agreeing to not have, y'know, "stick it in" intercourse may even make it easier to find a third. In this scenario, though, she's going to have to take control of the flirting, though waxbanks is right about tag-team flirting.
However, has your girlfriend ever had any kind of sexual contact with another woman? If not, then what exactly do you two envison occuring the bedroom? The prospect of a threesome with some not-even-bicurious chick who is likely going to balk at anything beyond kissing and first base? Uhh, not worth it. Any situation in which I felt pretty much like a prop to spice up someone's sex life? Uhh, not worth it.
Opportunity for sex with a funny, cute, sexy girl who has a nice, sexy boyfriend...and the couple is comfortable enough to invite me back to their bedroom? Well, if it seems like it would be fun, then hey, maybe. It's all in the attitude.
I could be off, but I've only heard of threesomes working if (1) cocaine can be blame for it happening, (2) the two are sexy-crazy and don't have any rules. I could be wrong, but I could be right.
What do you mean by "working?" There's a lot of ground in between "failure" and "hottest sexxx evar would do 4ever!"
posted by desuetude at 9:32 PM on March 2, 2007 [1 favorite]
Let your girlfriend make the running. Always let your girlfriend make the running. She'll take you to a lot more places than if you push her. You just concentrate on making her feel like a sex-goddess. Everything else will fall into place ;)
posted by londongeezer at 9:54 PM on March 2, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by londongeezer at 9:54 PM on March 2, 2007 [1 favorite]
Make sure you are ready to do this. A threesome can be deadly to many relationships. It can also be an amazing, fun experience.
First, you gotta make sure that neither you nor your love have any issues with jealousy. Many times people think they don't when they really do. My best friend had a bad experience with his second threesome when his girlfriend and the other girl became very involved together. He wasn't into the girl he was dating when he had his first threesome as much as the girl he was dating when he had his second. I don't think the amount of attraction and attention the girls felt for each other help either. (she later left him for her) You may think that as a male it will be a totally sexual experience for you and that emotions will have no part but many men find out that sex and love aren't as separate in their minds as they previously thought.
Know that this may break your relationship.
All that aside, it is possible to have a threesome experience work out wonderfully. Pick wisely. You want someone who will complement the two of you. And, more importantly, will respect the limits the both of you place on the experience. Sometimes you go into it thinking that you want it all and realize you'd rather stop at heavy petting. Other times, you may go into it planning on just fooling around yet end up going all the way. Good communication is essential. As mentioned by anaelith, have a safe word so you can extract yourself from potentially messy situations.
What worked well for a situation that a "friend" was in was the girl watched as the couple went at it. Then the boy watched as the girls went at it. Then they all went at it together. In this case, as what it sounds like with yours, the female half of the couple was more reluctant than the male half of the couple. By focusing the attention on the female, a pleasurable time was had by all.
As far as approaching women, I would have your girlfriend approach. One of my bi female friends loves having threesomes and mentions this on her online profile. She has been approached by men who invited her to have a threesome and when she showed up, she found that the girlfriend wasn't expecting her. She now refuses to go unless she gets to talk to both partners. She prefers online to bars, although she does require meeting them at bars or restaurants before going to the bedroom. I don't know what the policy is towards linking to adult sites which would be your best place to look so I won't. Email me if you want more info.
posted by avagoyle at 1:15 AM on March 3, 2007
First, you gotta make sure that neither you nor your love have any issues with jealousy. Many times people think they don't when they really do. My best friend had a bad experience with his second threesome when his girlfriend and the other girl became very involved together. He wasn't into the girl he was dating when he had his first threesome as much as the girl he was dating when he had his second. I don't think the amount of attraction and attention the girls felt for each other help either. (she later left him for her) You may think that as a male it will be a totally sexual experience for you and that emotions will have no part but many men find out that sex and love aren't as separate in their minds as they previously thought.
Know that this may break your relationship.
All that aside, it is possible to have a threesome experience work out wonderfully. Pick wisely. You want someone who will complement the two of you. And, more importantly, will respect the limits the both of you place on the experience. Sometimes you go into it thinking that you want it all and realize you'd rather stop at heavy petting. Other times, you may go into it planning on just fooling around yet end up going all the way. Good communication is essential. As mentioned by anaelith, have a safe word so you can extract yourself from potentially messy situations.
What worked well for a situation that a "friend" was in was the girl watched as the couple went at it. Then the boy watched as the girls went at it. Then they all went at it together. In this case, as what it sounds like with yours, the female half of the couple was more reluctant than the male half of the couple. By focusing the attention on the female, a pleasurable time was had by all.
As far as approaching women, I would have your girlfriend approach. One of my bi female friends loves having threesomes and mentions this on her online profile. She has been approached by men who invited her to have a threesome and when she showed up, she found that the girlfriend wasn't expecting her. She now refuses to go unless she gets to talk to both partners. She prefers online to bars, although she does require meeting them at bars or restaurants before going to the bedroom. I don't know what the policy is towards linking to adult sites which would be your best place to look so I won't. Email me if you want more info.
posted by avagoyle at 1:15 AM on March 3, 2007
I know a guy (who may or may not actually be me) who had quite a few three-ways. This guy and his partner had them all the time. After a couple of years together, his partner dumped him because he had 'found his equal'.
Careful what you go looking for in a three-way.
posted by matty at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2007
Careful what you go looking for in a three-way.
posted by matty at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2007
I'd like to suggest that along the continuum of spicing up one's sex life, there's a lot of space between "toys" and "adding another partner to the mix."
Your post reads like you've left a lot of intra-relationship sexual exploration, well, unexplored. Maybe it's something about your phrasing: "We even have introduced toys into the bedroom" reads a bit like you feel you've done the most outré thing possible with only one other person in the bed. But have you tried roleplaying? D/s play? Bondage? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? The Kama Sutra? Food? Watching porn together? Anal sex?
I'm not suggesting that you have to try every conceivable possibility before you decide to bring another person to bed with you; there are obviously some things that won't appeal, and neither of you should ever feel obligated to do something that doesn't appeal. It's just that your girlfriend's ground rules for the experience seem to reveal a lot of insecurity, and working on that insecurity within the boundaries of monogamy will make any non-monogamous experience you have in the future all the more fun.
If all you're looking to do is spice up your sex life, I'd put off adding another person to your sexual experiences until a) you feel you've exhausted every two-person experience you can have together and b) your girlfriend stops being ashamed of the idea.
My apologies if I'm misinterpreting anything.
To actually answer one of your questions: as a bi woman, I'd be infinately more comfortable with the female partner approaching me. Sometimes it's really hard to tell if a woman is interested in another woman, and having her approach the woman you've met could make her significantly more comfortable.
posted by jesourie at 9:31 AM on March 3, 2007
Your post reads like you've left a lot of intra-relationship sexual exploration, well, unexplored. Maybe it's something about your phrasing: "We even have introduced toys into the bedroom" reads a bit like you feel you've done the most outré thing possible with only one other person in the bed. But have you tried roleplaying? D/s play? Bondage? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? The Kama Sutra? Food? Watching porn together? Anal sex?
I'm not suggesting that you have to try every conceivable possibility before you decide to bring another person to bed with you; there are obviously some things that won't appeal, and neither of you should ever feel obligated to do something that doesn't appeal. It's just that your girlfriend's ground rules for the experience seem to reveal a lot of insecurity, and working on that insecurity within the boundaries of monogamy will make any non-monogamous experience you have in the future all the more fun.
If all you're looking to do is spice up your sex life, I'd put off adding another person to your sexual experiences until a) you feel you've exhausted every two-person experience you can have together and b) your girlfriend stops being ashamed of the idea.
My apologies if I'm misinterpreting anything.
To actually answer one of your questions: as a bi woman, I'd be infinately more comfortable with the female partner approaching me. Sometimes it's really hard to tell if a woman is interested in another woman, and having her approach the woman you've met could make her significantly more comfortable.
posted by jesourie at 9:31 AM on March 3, 2007
Two words: Ethical Slut. Buy together, read together, discuss together.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:42 AM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:42 AM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
You might want to check out Violet Blue's (sex-positive author, not the crummy pornstar) website, Tiny Nibbles and her podcast, Open Source Sex.
She's done a great podcast on this very subject, and it's really informative. She's also written a ton on couple's fantasy and the like - I highly recommend her site for a starting point on both the issue of a threesome as well as other types of sex play.
Good luck - enjoy!
posted by itchi23 at 12:03 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
She's done a great podcast on this very subject, and it's really informative. She's also written a ton on couple's fantasy and the like - I highly recommend her site for a starting point on both the issue of a threesome as well as other types of sex play.
Good luck - enjoy!
posted by itchi23 at 12:03 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
I agree, the rules are flags. Even with no rules, the next day is going to be different in unexpected ways. Also, I third the "let her make all the moves" bit - you don't want blame falling on you for her discomfort later. As open as you both may feel now, the potential for things to be permanently weird afterward is high...
At the same time, it can also be a lot of fun, and even enhance the relationship and bring you closer together. But you won't know until it's too late. Lots of communication recommended.. Mainly, what avagoyle said. Good luck.
posted by hypersloth at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2007
At the same time, it can also be a lot of fun, and even enhance the relationship and bring you closer together. But you won't know until it's too late. Lots of communication recommended.. Mainly, what avagoyle said. Good luck.
posted by hypersloth at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2007
I am involved with a couple who are also close friends of mine and it has worked out really well for all of us. Here is how we approached it.
First, we took things slowly. We hung out as friends a lot and we were kissy together and in various pairings, both with and without the other person watching. We felt out a lot of boundaries this way and it was a while before we all agreed that we wanted to become more sexually involved. By this time, it was clear that I was not pining for a deeper relationship with one or the other of them, and we had established a level of comfort together that made it pretty non-awkward to move further.
I think you should explore some light flirting and playing with your mutual friend before you proposition her for sex. Just tell her honestly that you find her attractive and that you aren't expecting anything in particular but you'd like to explore that. Set boundaries you are comfortable with each step of the way. "No intercourse" is pretty common, especially at the beginning, and still leaves lots of fun to be had by all.
I agree that it is better for the woman to approach a potential third partner. Then it's clear she's really interested, and not just going along with something to make her boyfriend happy. Also, spend some energy establishing what this second woman might want out of an involvement with you guys. Your relationship with your SO is your top priority, but this other woman has feelings and needs, too, and you'll be a lot happier if you find out now about anything that is incompatible with your intentions.
posted by rhiannon at 2:24 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
First, we took things slowly. We hung out as friends a lot and we were kissy together and in various pairings, both with and without the other person watching. We felt out a lot of boundaries this way and it was a while before we all agreed that we wanted to become more sexually involved. By this time, it was clear that I was not pining for a deeper relationship with one or the other of them, and we had established a level of comfort together that made it pretty non-awkward to move further.
I think you should explore some light flirting and playing with your mutual friend before you proposition her for sex. Just tell her honestly that you find her attractive and that you aren't expecting anything in particular but you'd like to explore that. Set boundaries you are comfortable with each step of the way. "No intercourse" is pretty common, especially at the beginning, and still leaves lots of fun to be had by all.
I agree that it is better for the woman to approach a potential third partner. Then it's clear she's really interested, and not just going along with something to make her boyfriend happy. Also, spend some energy establishing what this second woman might want out of an involvement with you guys. Your relationship with your SO is your top priority, but this other woman has feelings and needs, too, and you'll be a lot happier if you find out now about anything that is incompatible with your intentions.
posted by rhiannon at 2:24 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
i second the suggestion to read "The Ethical Slut" - they appear to have podcasts, so perhaps this is the podcast you elude to in your OP.
Beyond that, it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Be honest, open, and respectful of limits.
Don't let the naysayers get you down. These are the types who want to tell you how *bad* this is yadda yadda. It might not be their choice for sexual expression, and that's their right. You have an equal right to find a healthy and balanced approach to sexual expression, and be richly rewarded for all the patience and thought you put into your efforts.
Have fun, play safe, and good luck navigating and negotiating everything!!
posted by kuppajava at 3:15 PM on March 3, 2007
Beyond that, it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Be honest, open, and respectful of limits.
Don't let the naysayers get you down. These are the types who want to tell you how *bad* this is yadda yadda. It might not be their choice for sexual expression, and that's their right. You have an equal right to find a healthy and balanced approach to sexual expression, and be richly rewarded for all the patience and thought you put into your efforts.
Have fun, play safe, and good luck navigating and negotiating everything!!
posted by kuppajava at 3:15 PM on March 3, 2007
Ya know what? If you want a no-strings-attached one time threesome, you are better off putting an ad in Craigslist or Redclouds forums or something like that. Or look up your local swing-club (bi girls are very very acceptable at such places, which often have higher fees for single ladies than single guys -- if unescorted men are allowed in at all).
But if this real life woman is a friend or business associate you are opening a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge kettle of worms by asking her out. If you both want to be her friend, being open to the idea that things can happen, that's great. Don't push it. Larger-than-twosome relationships get exponentially more difficult with each added person, until you get to some theoretical point where what you really have is a free-love community. If all three of you want a real relationship, it is going to take a lot of work on everyone's part.
I think it's wonderful that you and your SO have had conversations that explore your boundaries. It might be time for a copy of "The Ethical Slut." As far as I am concerned, it is The must have book for anybody considering a plural relationship (and pretty darn insightful reading for the monogamous crowd too).
posted by ilsa at 3:18 PM on March 3, 2007
But if this real life woman is a friend or business associate you are opening a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge kettle of worms by asking her out. If you both want to be her friend, being open to the idea that things can happen, that's great. Don't push it. Larger-than-twosome relationships get exponentially more difficult with each added person, until you get to some theoretical point where what you really have is a free-love community. If all three of you want a real relationship, it is going to take a lot of work on everyone's part.
I think it's wonderful that you and your SO have had conversations that explore your boundaries. It might be time for a copy of "The Ethical Slut." As far as I am concerned, it is The must have book for anybody considering a plural relationship (and pretty darn insightful reading for the monogamous crowd too).
posted by ilsa at 3:18 PM on March 3, 2007
(I really don't mean to sound negative. Honest. I just want to establish that this is going to be harder than it looks, and it might turn out something completely different from what you expect. Go ahead and get a copy of The Ethical Slut now.)
posted by ilsa at 3:21 PM on March 3, 2007
posted by ilsa at 3:21 PM on March 3, 2007
The Ethical Slut is a superficial glance at multiple relationships, sex, and generally being a human. The book doesn't exist inside a vacuum free from the context of its authors (their topping and bottoming books are also rather dull). Do consider the authors and their perceived authority. (The book can be summed up thusly: It's okay to want multiple partners, you have our permission. Listen to what your partners are telling you both subtly and not. Behave kindly; don't stomp on any hearts -- and that's with all the bad crap cut out, as it's been known to be read with an anti-monogamous and anti-male tone.)
And should you find an interest in BDSM I'd similarly warn against really dumb, overly cautious, boring boring boring suck the life and fun out of sex Jay Wiseman books.
posted by birdie birdington at 4:12 PM on March 3, 2007
And should you find an interest in BDSM I'd similarly warn against really dumb, overly cautious, boring boring boring suck the life and fun out of sex Jay Wiseman books.
posted by birdie birdington at 4:12 PM on March 3, 2007
Oh yeah, important!
I'd suggest talking out beforehand whether or not she might later want to bring another guy into the mix, saying "fair's fair, you had yours, what about me.."
posted by hypersloth at 2:11 AM on March 4, 2007
I'd suggest talking out beforehand whether or not she might later want to bring another guy into the mix, saying "fair's fair, you had yours, what about me.."
posted by hypersloth at 2:11 AM on March 4, 2007
Oh, and egads, a safe word? Safe words are important when the communication of consent is intentionally ambiguous. For the scenario you're propsing, you should be able to use plain english. If you can't, you are not comfortable enough with this.
That said, start out with a disclaimer of "everyone needs to speak up if something isn't cool."
posted by desuetude at 1:39 PM on March 4, 2007
That said, start out with a disclaimer of "everyone needs to speak up if something isn't cool."
posted by desuetude at 1:39 PM on March 4, 2007
Yeah, birdie has summed up "The Ethical Slut" pretty good. Fairly overrated book, but it's still the poly people bible.
I don't think that the OP was wandering into polyamory. Sounds like they just want to get another girl into bed.
OP: Let your girlfriend take the lead, and make sure that her needs are met before yours. Actually, you're the bottom of the totem pole. First: girlfriend. Second: other girl. Third: you.
Go for it. It might split you up, but it might not. You never know. There's a whole bunch of other things that could split you two up anyway.
posted by drstein at 9:22 PM on March 4, 2007
I don't think that the OP was wandering into polyamory. Sounds like they just want to get another girl into bed.
OP: Let your girlfriend take the lead, and make sure that her needs are met before yours. Actually, you're the bottom of the totem pole. First: girlfriend. Second: other girl. Third: you.
Go for it. It might split you up, but it might not. You never know. There's a whole bunch of other things that could split you two up anyway.
posted by drstein at 9:22 PM on March 4, 2007
Hmm, lots of comments about the SO's self image and her rules, but I read:
My SO’s rules with a threesome are that it cannot be someone who she is going to have to see frequently after and is not as good looking as herself.
to mean 'cannot be someone who is not as good looking as herself'. If so, I don't think that reflects badly on her self image. Superficial standards of attraction, yes, but that is just how some people are wired up. Keep in mind your third person is indeed _a person_. You don't just pick up a "hot bi babe" the same way you do a sex toy at the store.
posted by yohko at 11:56 AM on March 5, 2007
My SO’s rules with a threesome are that it cannot be someone who she is going to have to see frequently after and is not as good looking as herself.
to mean 'cannot be someone who is not as good looking as herself'. If so, I don't think that reflects badly on her self image. Superficial standards of attraction, yes, but that is just how some people are wired up. Keep in mind your third person is indeed _a person_. You don't just pick up a "hot bi babe" the same way you do a sex toy at the store.
posted by yohko at 11:56 AM on March 5, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Octoparrot at 6:58 PM on March 2, 2007