putting the trois in ménage à trois

October 22, 2012 5:08 PM

Where to find thirds?

Myself (female) and my boyfriend are into threesomes, with a third of either gender. We aren't particularly kinky, though we are generally willing to try new things. We are both STD free and plan to remain that way.

The handful of times we've had threesomes together (probably 4-5ish) have been very fun, but we've only ever managed to make it happen by picking one of our friends, and essentially seducing him or her while drunk at a party. Granted, this hasn't been very difficult, but this strategy is sort of getting old, because our social circle isn't enormous, and we've already hooked up with everyone amongst it that we wish to. Plus, there's an upper bound of how incestuous we really want this crowd to get.

So, we would like to look to other avenues to find thirds. Our main attempt so far has been OKCupid, where we each have accounts that we keep active, and additionally have a joint account with some pics of us together and separately, a mix of suggestive and normal. We get very few responses from people we message, and in general the only people who message us are very burly looking gay guys (not the preferred 'type' for either of us), or girls who are drastically less attractive than us (we aren't supermodels or anything, but are attractive and in-shape).

I get it, OKC is very relationshipy and that's not really what we're looking for (certainly not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with thirds beyond friendship). I think we ideally would hang out with the person at least once first to make sure we all like each other rather than guarantee sexytimes on the first "date". We don't have the free time/bandwidth to court a whole bunch of people or devote tons of time to answering/sending more OKC messages, but we party a lot on the weekends and thus have time for the actual sex.

So, how to do this effectively? We live in San Francisco, and are in our early 20s, so we kind of feel like this should be REALLY EASY here and we're just missing something obvious. Been a bit hesitant about swinger parties since they sound like something old people do, and we're hesitant to join more of the hookup-centric websites due to general sketch factor, but maybe we are judging too soon here! Drop some wisdom, please.

Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 answers total)

mefi meetups. for serious.
posted by elizardbits at 5:26 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

What about getting involved in sex positive events and community to expand your social circle, making the spontaneous threesomes more likely?

For some event ideas: the Center for Sex and Culture has a listserve where you could learn about sex-centric events, kink.com does tours (and allows the public to come watch some film screenings), and Mission Control hosts events and parties for all sexual persuasions.
posted by latkes at 5:28 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

I'd suggest Adult FriendFinder, SwingLifestyle, or your local Craigslist.

You are much more likely to find what you want if you come right out and ask for it, explicitly. Do you want a new friend, or a regular fuckbuddy, or a one night stand? What are your limits? Are you both bi? Straight? What kind of acts do you find appealing, specifically, and are there any off the table entirely? Spell them out. Don't forget to address safe sex stuff. Condoms for sure, right? It's ok to be upfront about aesthetic preferences, too. I say that as a shameless hussy, but also a fat lady, too. I'd just as soon not waste my time and theirs if we are not going to be a good match.

It's always going to be easier to find single guys interested in this kind of thing. You will have your pick via AFF or Craigslist. Single women will be much more rare, though not totally unheard of... Again, can't hurt to ask if that is what you want. AFF and especially SLS also are a great place to find couples to play with, if you find yourself wanting to move into swinging and more of The Lifestyle, which is actually a ton of fun.

Good luck and play safe!
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 5:41 PM on October 22, 2012

Seconding Mission Control.
posted by gregglind at 5:53 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Have you tried Craigslist or maybe Fetlife?

we've only ever managed to make it happen by picking one of our friends, and essentially seducing him or her while drunk at a party.

This is creepy and really not ok. Taking advantage of someone who's drunk is not the way to go.
posted by runningwithscissors at 6:27 PM on October 22, 2012 [19 favorites]

Club Kiss at Mission Control for sure.
posted by crabintheocean at 6:30 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

You basically want to swing, so maybe try it out via websites or events. Go to a few iterations of each event; the crowd is different every time.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:39 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Seconding fetlife.
posted by nile_red at 5:53 AM on October 23, 2012

You could probably pull your seduction routine on someone cute at a bar in the Mission.
posted by amaire at 7:08 AM on October 23, 2012

In addition to CSC and Mission Control, which are both excellent suggestions, other sex positive social events such as Bawdy Storytelling or burlesque or the Good Vibes films might help expand your options.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:26 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]