Supporting a bisexual partner without ignoring my own needs
September 1, 2011 9:01 AM Subscribe
How can I best support my GF in her bisexual identity/lifestyle in a way that doesn't ignore my own needs?
posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My fiance is bisexual and wants to to see other women on occasion (I am male). She has been clear from the start that our relationship comes first and that she is willing to remain monogamous with me if that is best for me and for our relationship. When this first came up I was supportive and open-minded. I did not feel threatened in any way by the idea of my GF seeing other women. When she then raised the idea of bringing another woman home to our bedroom, I responded positively and we agreed that we would explore this in the future. I am completely new to this sort of thing.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago: my GF discovered that a good friend of hers was bi-curious and was interested in exploring fooling around with my GF. My GF speculated that this could potentially lead to other activities between the three of us and possibly the other woman's husband. (He and I are not bisexual or bi-curious, for the record.) That couple had been spending time on Craigslist for about a year, looking for another couple to swing with, but never actually pursued anything before now.
The four of us hung out one evening and discussed, over a bottle of wine, our comfort areas and disclosed where our boundaries and expectations lay. The conversation was very good, but we did not explore all possible scenarios or develop robust action plans.
Following this conversation, my GF, the other woman and I went out as planned (the other man was busy) and, after hanging out at a bar with other friends, went off alone and had a amazing threeway (strictly oral sex). The women got each other off, and then both got me off. We all felt very good about the whole experience.
Because this developed faster than everyone had explicitly agreed on, now the other man feels left out (understandably!), but he is not upset and their relationship is still healthy. So now, the tentative plan is for my GF to visit the other couple and have a similar experience with them in the possibly very near future. I have explicitly sanctioned and encouraged this, because I also feel that things are at the moment not balanced.
My GF feels that the nature of her relationship with the other woman - given that it is based on both friendship and sexual attraction - makes her feel a little less inclined to include the men than the other woman is. I admit that I do not yet fully understand this and I intend to explore it more in the near future, once I know how best to approach the topic.
Depending on how the next encounter with the three of them goes (assuming it happens) and other factors, I think I see three possibilities: (a) we quit while we're ahead and at most, the two ladies see each other alone from this point forward (FF); OR (b) occasional FF, occasional FFMM; OR (c) FFM encounters with the other man and myself alternating.
I still support my GF and her sexuality. I still embrace her idea of feeling more complete when she is permitted to experience sexual intimacy with both genders. Things are a little more complicated now, but I really want to stand by the commitment that I made. The main complication that I see is that I was brought into the present situation and was made to feel explicitly included, and I now face the prospect of being excluded, which somehow would feel different had I never been included from the start. This yields mixed feelings, needless to say, but I am still open minded.
Sorry for the long post. From here, I am not even sure what questions I should be asking. One obvious question is, how do I continue to support my fiance in both her current relationship with the other woman, as well as with other future women, without compromising on my own needs?
Sincerely hope that any other important, unasked questions are more obvious to the MeFi community than they might be to me.