Should I admit that the anonymous gift was from me?
April 16, 2011 1:13 PM Subscribe
Should I admit that the anonymous gift was from me?
I have a friend. A while back, he was going through a pretty difficult time--he had just had a tumultuous breakup right before both his brothers got married, had some health problems, and a LOT of other things all coming on him at once. I was close enough to the guy to know a lot of what was going on, but not really close enough to provide a lot of help. At the same time, I had some latent romantic feelings for him that I hadn't ever acted on (because, well, he had a girlfriend), and I wanted to avoid being a Nice Gal and using his vulnerability to get closer to him. So when I ran across a good deal on something I thought might cheer him up a little, I wrapped it it up and left it for him anonymously*, because it seemed like the only thing I COULD do to help at the time.
It's about a year later, he's in a much better place, and has since mentioned that whoever left that gift may have saved his life. Which, yay! I'm glad I helped. He's also said that he really, really wants to find out who it was. I wouldn't have even considered telling if he didn't seem so hung up on it. On one hand, confessing now sounds kind of nice, because who doesn't like getting credit for something thoughtful that they did? On the other hand, it feels sort of retroactively manipulative and that knowing who it was might ruin some of the significance for him, and maybe for me as well. Still having feelings for the guy complicates things as well, though at this point I've mostly accepted that nothing is going to come of it.
We're both leaving for different states in a couple of weeks, so if I was going to come clean, now seems like the time to do it. Creepy? Self-serving or self-aggrandizing? Or fixing the mistake I made a year ago by doing it anonymously in the first place (if that was a mistake)? I obviously can't regret the gift itself since it meant so much to him, but I kind of hate that he's gotten hung up on the anonymous part, since it was just supposed to make it an uncomplicated Nice Thing.
*I have since discovered that many people would have found this creepy, so I'll have to reconsider my anonymous gift-giving ways.
I have a friend. A while back, he was going through a pretty difficult time--he had just had a tumultuous breakup right before both his brothers got married, had some health problems, and a LOT of other things all coming on him at once. I was close enough to the guy to know a lot of what was going on, but not really close enough to provide a lot of help. At the same time, I had some latent romantic feelings for him that I hadn't ever acted on (because, well, he had a girlfriend), and I wanted to avoid being a Nice Gal and using his vulnerability to get closer to him. So when I ran across a good deal on something I thought might cheer him up a little, I wrapped it it up and left it for him anonymously*, because it seemed like the only thing I COULD do to help at the time.
It's about a year later, he's in a much better place, and has since mentioned that whoever left that gift may have saved his life. Which, yay! I'm glad I helped. He's also said that he really, really wants to find out who it was. I wouldn't have even considered telling if he didn't seem so hung up on it. On one hand, confessing now sounds kind of nice, because who doesn't like getting credit for something thoughtful that they did? On the other hand, it feels sort of retroactively manipulative and that knowing who it was might ruin some of the significance for him, and maybe for me as well. Still having feelings for the guy complicates things as well, though at this point I've mostly accepted that nothing is going to come of it.
We're both leaving for different states in a couple of weeks, so if I was going to come clean, now seems like the time to do it. Creepy? Self-serving or self-aggrandizing? Or fixing the mistake I made a year ago by doing it anonymously in the first place (if that was a mistake)? I obviously can't regret the gift itself since it meant so much to him, but I kind of hate that he's gotten hung up on the anonymous part, since it was just supposed to make it an uncomplicated Nice Thing.
*I have since discovered that many people would have found this creepy, so I'll have to reconsider my anonymous gift-giving ways.
Take him at his word. If he's telling you he wants to know who it was, it's not self-serving on your part to tell him. And I agree that if he's bringing it up he probably suspects it was you and wants a chance to thank you for it directly.
posted by auto-correct at 1:29 PM on April 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by auto-correct at 1:29 PM on April 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I would tell him. Not sure if anonymous gift-giving is creepy*, but a) it had a good outcome and b) he asked. If he asks you why you gave it anonymously, tell him whatever part of the above you feel comfortable telling him.
* I find it a little unnerving (except for cases like someone putting a candy bar in each office mailbox), but then my opinion isn't universal.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:34 PM on April 16, 2011
* I find it a little unnerving (except for cases like someone putting a candy bar in each office mailbox), but then my opinion isn't universal.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:34 PM on April 16, 2011
Perhaps in some circumstances the anonymous gift would be creepy. But if that's what he needed to get through things, and you could perceive that and act on it...then you did right in giving it.
posted by vasi at 1:37 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by vasi at 1:37 PM on April 16, 2011
Is it possible that he keeps mentioning this in front of you because he suspects you are the gift giver?
That's my guess. I think you should tell him. He obviously didn't find it creepy, and he wants to know. I don't see what you have to lose.
posted by Forktine at 1:38 PM on April 16, 2011
That's my guess. I think you should tell him. He obviously didn't find it creepy, and he wants to know. I don't see what you have to lose.
posted by Forktine at 1:38 PM on April 16, 2011
Can you tell us what the gift was? That may be important here.
posted by Daddy-O at 1:42 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by Daddy-O at 1:42 PM on April 16, 2011
He is asking because he wants to know the answer. It's highly unlikely that he will think less of you for telling him.
I have to wonder, though, any other reason why you're holding back? Are you anticipating being disappointed in some way? I know that in your shoes, I, and probably most people, would be dreaming of a romantic ending. Your intuition tells you you aren't going to get that, but that doesn't mean you want your bubble burst. Does that make any sense? Because if it's anything like that, I still think it's probably good to tell him. It won't be the unfinished business that nibbles away at your well-being. Instead, it's more likely to strengthen your friendship.
posted by tel3path at 1:58 PM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have to wonder, though, any other reason why you're holding back? Are you anticipating being disappointed in some way? I know that in your shoes, I, and probably most people, would be dreaming of a romantic ending. Your intuition tells you you aren't going to get that, but that doesn't mean you want your bubble burst. Does that make any sense? Because if it's anything like that, I still think it's probably good to tell him. It won't be the unfinished business that nibbles away at your well-being. Instead, it's more likely to strengthen your friendship.
posted by tel3path at 1:58 PM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
One person's opinion: Given the circumstances, giving the gift anonymously doesn't come across as creepy. Because he wants to know and because y'all are heading off to different states, I'd go with letting him know.
posted by ambient2 at 2:01 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ambient2 at 2:01 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
TELL HIM YOU FOOL
posted by speicus at 2:06 PM on April 16, 2011 [23 favorites]
posted by speicus at 2:06 PM on April 16, 2011 [23 favorites]
You gave the gift with pure motives and now you are somewhat uncomfortable because if you tell that it was you, you would not be doing so from the same motive but rather, would be self-serving to a degree. A recent essay about pleasing others to make myself feel good discusses this.
I don't think it matters to anyone else whether you tell him or not but it might be important for your own sense of yourself to know why you are choosing to tell or not tell. Perhaps you could have a friendly off-hand conversation in which you ask him why he wants to know. Ask him to consider that it might be someone who just wanted him to feel better, to feel befriended, but who did not want to intrude into his life. If so, would he really want to insist that person take "credit" or "gratitude" they particularly did not want to take. If it is possible to say this in a smiling, bantering way and suggest that perhaps we all have more well-wishers than we know and isn't that a good thing in life, you could leave the subject with an air of mystery and one which invites him to allow a kindness to be done that requires only acceptance from him.
posted by Anitanola at 2:13 PM on April 16, 2011
I don't think it matters to anyone else whether you tell him or not but it might be important for your own sense of yourself to know why you are choosing to tell or not tell. Perhaps you could have a friendly off-hand conversation in which you ask him why he wants to know. Ask him to consider that it might be someone who just wanted him to feel better, to feel befriended, but who did not want to intrude into his life. If so, would he really want to insist that person take "credit" or "gratitude" they particularly did not want to take. If it is possible to say this in a smiling, bantering way and suggest that perhaps we all have more well-wishers than we know and isn't that a good thing in life, you could leave the subject with an air of mystery and one which invites him to allow a kindness to be done that requires only acceptance from him.
posted by Anitanola at 2:13 PM on April 16, 2011
if he's talking with you about it a lot he already suspects it was you and is probably just trying to get you to admit it.
i occasionally leave anonymous gifts myself.* the whole point of leaving gifts anonymously is doing it in a way that makes sure the recipient will never find out who it is. it's wanting to be known for leaving the gift that's really weird. fessing up to it now, or at any time is counter to the purpose of giving a gift anonymously in the first place. so don't.
*yeah, it's kind of creepy. more creepy when you're caught doing it. but then i'm a kind of weird person to begin with.
posted by lester at 2:16 PM on April 16, 2011
i occasionally leave anonymous gifts myself.* the whole point of leaving gifts anonymously is doing it in a way that makes sure the recipient will never find out who it is. it's wanting to be known for leaving the gift that's really weird. fessing up to it now, or at any time is counter to the purpose of giving a gift anonymously in the first place. so don't.
*yeah, it's kind of creepy. more creepy when you're caught doing it. but then i'm a kind of weird person to begin with.
posted by lester at 2:16 PM on April 16, 2011
What does he get out of it? An understandable curiosity satisfied. Loss of a benign mystery.
What do you get out of it? A better appraisal in his eyes?
I wouldn't.
posted by phrontist at 2:18 PM on April 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
What do you get out of it? A better appraisal in his eyes?
I wouldn't.
posted by phrontist at 2:18 PM on April 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tell him. Unless it was a banjo.
posted by pazazygeek at 2:20 PM on April 16, 2011 [53 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 2:20 PM on April 16, 2011 [53 favorites]
I'd wait until you are both settled and then let him know.
Perhaps you explain your motive and maybe tell him that all you want in return is for him to someday, someway "pay it forward" to someone else.
posted by calgirl at 2:34 PM on April 16, 2011
Perhaps you explain your motive and maybe tell him that all you want in return is for him to someday, someway "pay it forward" to someone else.
posted by calgirl at 2:34 PM on April 16, 2011
I'd say it was time to stop overthinking these beans and spill them
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:45 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:45 PM on April 16, 2011
Maybe he suspects a bunch of people and you are the least creepiest option, which is why he keeps mentioning it in front of you. That would be my guess.
posted by yaymukund at 2:46 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by yaymukund at 2:46 PM on April 16, 2011
He might want to know who it is because he feels like he needs to properly thank you or return the favor. I'd spill the beans with some explanation: e.g. tell him how wonderful it's been knowing that it helped him, and you gave it anonymously because you didn't want to make the gift about you or make him feel beholden to you, etc., and you held your tongue because you didn't want to change his perception of the gift or of you. No need for him to make a big fuss, you're just happy he's happy. Or something like that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:14 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:14 PM on April 16, 2011
I've mostly accepted that nothing is going to come of it.
Don't do it. If by some crazy twist of fate you wind up dating two years from now, you can tell him then. But don't mess up your friendship with this quirky thing plus your already kind of mixed feelings. If he pushes you you can just say 'I'm sure whoever did it felt fondly toward you' or some such, but it's really unlikely he doesn't know you like him a bit and if he likes you he should like you, and not for Big Gesture, but because he likes you.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:28 PM on April 16, 2011
Don't do it. If by some crazy twist of fate you wind up dating two years from now, you can tell him then. But don't mess up your friendship with this quirky thing plus your already kind of mixed feelings. If he pushes you you can just say 'I'm sure whoever did it felt fondly toward you' or some such, but it's really unlikely he doesn't know you like him a bit and if he likes you he should like you, and not for Big Gesture, but because he likes you.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:28 PM on April 16, 2011
It sounds like now is a good time to tell him and move forward in whatever direction feels right. You won't get to feel like a fairy godmother any more but maybe that's a good thing?
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:29 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:29 PM on April 16, 2011
Oh, come out and say it. It's OK. He wants to know, he's no longer dating. The two of you can talk about it and talk through any possible creep factor if needed.
Unless it's a banjo, of course.
posted by zippy at 3:36 PM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
Unless it's a banjo, of course.
posted by zippy at 3:36 PM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
And whatever you do, come back and let us know (through the mods if necessary) what you chose to do!
(I advocate for telling, btw.)
posted by Sublimity at 4:13 PM on April 16, 2011
(I advocate for telling, btw.)
posted by Sublimity at 4:13 PM on April 16, 2011
You did a nice thing then, and it seems to me to be a perfectly timed and timely thing to reveal it was you, now. The story has some nice flow, let it happen, stop getting in your own way.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:50 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 4:50 PM on April 16, 2011
Honesty is the best policy, in oh so many ways. In these circumstances, why not?
posted by b33j at 4:51 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by b33j at 4:51 PM on April 16, 2011
I think it would only be creepy if you used private information to figure out the want/need. For example, if you overheard him talking to his family or a close friend about needing $562 for rent or he'd be evicted, or a specific costly medical device. But I think if it was a generous, but more generic gift, it's a whole lot less creepy. Perhaps it's just me.
(And I'm siding with telling him.)
posted by filthy light thief at 4:56 PM on April 16, 2011
(And I'm siding with telling him.)
posted by filthy light thief at 4:56 PM on April 16, 2011
Depends. If the reason he mentioned the gift and what it did for him is because you cleverly moved the topic in that direction, I wouldn't. It's creepy. If not, then either way.
posted by Feisty at 4:57 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by Feisty at 4:57 PM on April 16, 2011
Oh, just tell him. It won't stop bugging you, or him, until you do.
posted by SMPA at 5:29 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by SMPA at 5:29 PM on April 16, 2011
A little bit more context here might have been helpful to determine whether it's creepy or act of kindness in a socially acceptable way. The dynamics of your relationship is important and it was hard for me to tell the type of energy in your relationship with him is mutual or not (aside from having feelings or not).
Either way, it helps that you're going away so you wouldn't really have to deal consequences negative or positive. It seems like you've been tailoring yourself to fit his needs and making him comfortable this whole time. What about you? Do it not for him but for yourself. If you know you'll regret not telling him and forever wonder what could have happened, might as well do it right? Of course it's always good to avoid self-serving behaviors that tries to justify borderline creepy/stalking behavior, but your situation might be a different case here.
Whatever you do, good luck and I hope that you relieve yourself from this burden by being your authentic self.
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 6:45 PM on April 16, 2011
Either way, it helps that you're going away so you wouldn't really have to deal consequences negative or positive. It seems like you've been tailoring yourself to fit his needs and making him comfortable this whole time. What about you? Do it not for him but for yourself. If you know you'll regret not telling him and forever wonder what could have happened, might as well do it right? Of course it's always good to avoid self-serving behaviors that tries to justify borderline creepy/stalking behavior, but your situation might be a different case here.
Whatever you do, good luck and I hope that you relieve yourself from this burden by being your authentic self.
posted by Kimchee.Noodles. at 6:45 PM on April 16, 2011
"Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well thank you!
Just prepping you for what you're going to hear.
When something is unknown, we build it up and imagine it was carefully wrapped by someone in a laboratory with a head light on, sealed with kisses and gumdrops and then dropped from a Rocket-Powered UPS Parachuteer with smoke flying out of his boots onto the front porch.
You're not going to get a musical response scene from glee.
posted by cashman at 7:12 PM on April 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
Just prepping you for what you're going to hear.
When something is unknown, we build it up and imagine it was carefully wrapped by someone in a laboratory with a head light on, sealed with kisses and gumdrops and then dropped from a Rocket-Powered UPS Parachuteer with smoke flying out of his boots onto the front porch.
You're not going to get a musical response scene from glee.
posted by cashman at 7:12 PM on April 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
Don't tell him - it ruins the whole thing and will make things awkward. You crave recognition, but I bet it won't go as you expect and the whole magic of the anonymous gift will be gone. Just be happy it helped and then stop thinking about it.
posted by meepmeow at 8:30 AM on April 17, 2011
posted by meepmeow at 8:30 AM on April 17, 2011
I think it was awesome to do it anonymously - and I'd keep it that way.
Maybe he thinks he wants to know, but there's something really cool about it being anonymous, you know? If he suspects it was you, then let him keep suspecting - I would hold this one close to the vest.
And if you still have even a few feelings for him, there's whole extra layer of complexity added, and too much opportunity for it to get awkward and messy.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:21 AM on April 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe he thinks he wants to know, but there's something really cool about it being anonymous, you know? If he suspects it was you, then let him keep suspecting - I would hold this one close to the vest.
And if you still have even a few feelings for him, there's whole extra layer of complexity added, and too much opportunity for it to get awkward and messy.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:21 AM on April 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
My best friend did something similar for me when we were in high school, and swore to herself that she'd never tell me -- but then 15 years later, when she learned I was STILL trying to find out who it was, she came clean.
I'm extremely glad she did -- it did change the subtext of the gift for me, but in a good way (she was pretending to be a mysterious secret admirer, and while now I knew it wasn't that, I was extremely touched she'd even gone to the effort). Plus, not knowing would have driven me completely batshit insane.
My only caveat is, if you do still have feelings for him, and he does still have a boyfriend, I'd withhold that detail; stick to "I just wanted to do something to help cheer you up".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:44 AM on April 18, 2011
I'm extremely glad she did -- it did change the subtext of the gift for me, but in a good way (she was pretending to be a mysterious secret admirer, and while now I knew it wasn't that, I was extremely touched she'd even gone to the effort). Plus, not knowing would have driven me completely batshit insane.
My only caveat is, if you do still have feelings for him, and he does still have a boyfriend, I'd withhold that detail; stick to "I just wanted to do something to help cheer you up".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:44 AM on April 18, 2011
OP, can you follow up? Did you spill the plate of beans? What did you decide?!
posted by pazazygeek at 9:07 AM on April 22, 2011
posted by pazazygeek at 9:07 AM on April 22, 2011
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