What's black and white and red all over? A guy in a tuxedo without any jokes.
April 8, 2011 12:24 PM Subscribe
Jokes. We all know one, maybe even two or three, and there's a good chance they're slightly or completely off-color. But let's say you need to entertain a room of five- to eight-year-olds, and they're expecting a non-stop barrage of hilarity. Anyone have any favorite kids' jokes they'd like to share?
My all-time favorite:
Q;What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
posted by mireille at 12:26 PM on April 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Q;What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
posted by mireille at 12:26 PM on April 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
posted by routergirl at 12:27 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Dung.
posted by routergirl at 12:27 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese!
posted by dudekiller at 12:34 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Nacho cheese!
posted by dudekiller at 12:34 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Zach Galifianakis will tell you that really, all you need is chicken.
posted by sestaaak at 12:35 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 12:35 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
What flies through the air and is covered in syrup?
Peter Pancake!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:36 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Peter Pancake!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:36 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...
MOOMOOMOOMOO!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting duck.
Interrupting du...
QUACKQUACKQUACK!
You can probably sprinkle a dozen variations in with no loss of hilarity.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:39 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...
MOOMOOMOOMOO!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting duck.
Interrupting du...
QUACKQUACKQUACK!
You can probably sprinkle a dozen variations in with no loss of hilarity.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:39 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
I always like saying
"Why can't [famous person] use this finger?"
*hold up any finger*
"Because it's MINE!"
Kids love it, and it's even better if you pick something that adults in the room think you're going to turn into something dirty, only to relieve them when you don't. I used to say "Bill Clinton". "Michael Jackson" was good too, though less appropriate now... but you get the idea.
- How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
- Poker Face
- How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
- Raw raw... raw raw raw raw (think, Bad Romance tune)
- What's about a foot long, pink and slippery?
- A slipper! (another good one for the adults in the room)
posted by indiebass at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Why can't [famous person] use this finger?"
*hold up any finger*
"Because it's MINE!"
Kids love it, and it's even better if you pick something that adults in the room think you're going to turn into something dirty, only to relieve them when you don't. I used to say "Bill Clinton". "Michael Jackson" was good too, though less appropriate now... but you get the idea.
- How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
- Poker Face
- How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
- Raw raw... raw raw raw raw (think, Bad Romance tune)
- What's about a foot long, pink and slippery?
- A slipper! (another good one for the adults in the room)
posted by indiebass at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
What's green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?
A pool table!
posted by workerant at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
A pool table!
posted by workerant at 12:42 PM on April 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To hold up their pants!
posted by motsque at 12:43 PM on April 8, 2011
To hold up their pants!
posted by motsque at 12:43 PM on April 8, 2011
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
To find Pooh!
posted by visual mechanic at 12:45 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
To find Pooh!
posted by visual mechanic at 12:45 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why did the monkey love the banana? Because it had appeal.
posted by tinatiga at 12:47 PM on April 8, 2011
posted by tinatiga at 12:47 PM on April 8, 2011
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 789. (Say it aloud-- seven ate nine...)
Q: What's orange, has two humps, and lives at the south pole?
A: A lost camel.
posted by u2604ab at 12:51 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A: Because 789. (Say it aloud-- seven ate nine...)
Q: What's orange, has two humps, and lives at the south pole?
A: A lost camel.
posted by u2604ab at 12:51 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Ooooh, nice belt!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:53 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Ooooh, nice belt!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:53 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry - it's just a joke!
posted by dmt at 12:59 PM on April 8, 2011
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry - it's just a joke!
posted by dmt at 12:59 PM on April 8, 2011
Where does a frog keep his money? Riverbank.
How do you catch a brown bear? You dig a hole in the forest, you spread ash all around the whole and then you put some meat near the hole. When the bear comes to investigate, kick him in the ash hole.*
*May or may not be suitable
posted by maxpower at 1:01 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
How do you catch a brown bear? You dig a hole in the forest, you spread ash all around the whole and then you put some meat near the hole. When the bear comes to investigate, kick him in the ash hole.*
*May or may not be suitable
posted by maxpower at 1:01 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Q) How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A) Take away his credit cards.
Q) How does Han Solo get to the space port?
A) Ewoks!" (He walks. geddit?)
posted by bondcliff at 1:02 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A) Take away his credit cards.
Q) How does Han Solo get to the space port?
A) Ewoks!" (He walks. geddit?)
posted by bondcliff at 1:02 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh! The final joke in the interrupting cow/interrupting duck sequence should be this:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting starf...
[you quickly cover their face with your hand- the "starfish"].
posted by heyheylanagirl at 1:03 PM on April 8, 2011 [19 favorites]
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting starf...
[you quickly cover their face with your hand- the "starfish"].
posted by heyheylanagirl at 1:03 PM on April 8, 2011 [19 favorites]
Where did Stalin put his Armies? In his sleevies!
What's the black stuff in bird poop? More poop!
posted by waitangi at 1:05 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
What's the black stuff in bird poop? More poop!
posted by waitangi at 1:05 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A bunch of great previous threads:
Short jokes, or jokes for kids:
riddles for 6 year olds
good jokes for 9 year olds
good jokes for elementary age kids
short jokes (short enough to send by text message)
short silly jokes
good clean jokes
jokes for beginning readers to put in my son's lunchbox
funniest joke that doesn't involve making fun of anyone
general give me some jokes
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:06 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Short jokes, or jokes for kids:
riddles for 6 year olds
good jokes for 9 year olds
good jokes for elementary age kids
short jokes (short enough to send by text message)
short silly jokes
good clean jokes
jokes for beginning readers to put in my son's lunchbox
funniest joke that doesn't involve making fun of anyone
general give me some jokes
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:06 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
I learned a different final joke to the Interrupting Animal trilogy: the interrupting giraffe.
The silent interrupting giraffe face kind of looks like this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:08 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
The silent interrupting giraffe face kind of looks like this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:08 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
What kind of birds stick together?
Vel-crows!
posted by mikepop at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Vel-crows!
posted by mikepop at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's another one that requires a visual, and a willing participant. Here's what you tell them to do:
Hold your arms over your head, like this.
Now, spell the word "image" out loud, and then say "light bulb."
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:17 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Hold your arms over your head, like this.
Now, spell the word "image" out loud, and then say "light bulb."
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:17 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is an auditory one, so read it aloud and it'll make sense:
You: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Kids: How?
You: Unique up on it.
You: How do you catch a TAME rabbit?
Kids: How?
You: The TAME way!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:18 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
You: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Kids: How?
You: Unique up on it.
You: How do you catch a TAME rabbit?
Kids: How?
You: The TAME way!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:18 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?
Four, two in the front and two in the back.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there's two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there's three elephants in your fridge?
It's difficult to close the door.
How can you tell if there's four elephants in your fridge?
There's a Volkswagen parked outside.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Four, two in the front and two in the back.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there's two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there's three elephants in your fridge?
It's difficult to close the door.
How can you tell if there's four elephants in your fridge?
There's a Volkswagen parked outside.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
A little surreal, perhaps, but tickled me when I was a kid:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big, round feet?
To put out flaming ducks.
On preview, Milk While Peacock and I might have the same book...
posted by bluejayway at 1:33 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big, round feet?
To put out flaming ducks.
On preview, Milk While Peacock and I might have the same book...
posted by bluejayway at 1:33 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Aren't there, like, a thousand stupid joke books for kids? Here's a book of 500.
posted by amtho at 1:41 PM on April 8, 2011
posted by amtho at 1:41 PM on April 8, 2011
where do cows go on the first date? to the moooovie
where so snakes go on their first date? to the grassssssss
what do you get when you cross a cow and a tv? a moooooovie
why cant lobsters share? because they are shelfish
posted by H. Roark at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2011
where so snakes go on their first date? to the grassssssss
what do you get when you cross a cow and a tv? a moooooovie
why cant lobsters share? because they are shelfish
posted by H. Roark at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2011
where does a king keep his armies? in his sleevies
posted by H. Roark at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by H. Roark at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Zach Galifianakis will tell you that really, all you need is chicken yt .
posted by sestaaak at 12:35 PM on April 8 [2 favorites +] [!]
In that video:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I don't know; let's check [walks to the door and opens it]; There isn't anyone there.
Repeat immediately, with a really puzzled look on your face.
Continue with your other stuff, then randomly repeat it again.
posted by CathyG at 1:45 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 12:35 PM on April 8 [2 favorites +] [!]
In that video:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I don't know; let's check [walks to the door and opens it]; There isn't anyone there.
Repeat immediately, with a really puzzled look on your face.
Continue with your other stuff, then randomly repeat it again.
posted by CathyG at 1:45 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
This will only work if US kids are as obsessed with Pokemon as Aussie kids are:
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You Pokemon (poke him on).
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:49 PM on April 8, 2011
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You Pokemon (poke him on).
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:49 PM on April 8, 2011
Why don't you take a Pokemon into the bathroom?
He'll Pikachu (peek-at-you)
posted by arcticwoman at 2:08 PM on April 8, 2011
He'll Pikachu (peek-at-you)
posted by arcticwoman at 2:08 PM on April 8, 2011
My favorite:
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
posted by .kobayashi. at 2:25 PM on April 8, 2011
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
posted by .kobayashi. at 2:25 PM on April 8, 2011
What's big, yellow and can kill you if it falls out of a tree.
A bulldozer.
posted by brundlefly at 2:40 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A bulldozer.
posted by brundlefly at 2:40 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
MrMoonPie: "Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...
MOOMOOMOOMOO!
etc...."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting star...
*hold hand out in "talk to the hand" sort of way*
posted by brundlefly at 2:41 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...
MOOMOOMOOMOO!
etc...."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting star...
*hold hand out in "talk to the hand" sort of way*
posted by brundlefly at 2:41 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why did the bicycle lie down?
Because it was too tired.
posted by davey_darling at 2:48 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Because it was too tired.
posted by davey_darling at 2:48 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Why did the ant hide behind a bush when he saw an elephant coming down the path?
Ans: To say "Boo"!
2. An ant and an elephant were going on a motorbike. They had an accident. The elephant was seriously hurt on the head, but the ant was not. Why?
Ans: Because the ant was wearing a helmet!
posted by theobserver at 2:51 PM on April 8, 2011
Ans: To say "Boo"!
2. An ant and an elephant were going on a motorbike. They had an accident. The elephant was seriously hurt on the head, but the ant was not. Why?
Ans: Because the ant was wearing a helmet!
posted by theobserver at 2:51 PM on April 8, 2011
What does a snail riding on a turtle's back say?
"Wheeeee."
posted by ChuraChura at 2:55 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Wheeeee."
posted by ChuraChura at 2:55 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
what do you get when you cross a parrot with a millipede?
a walkie talkie
how do you make an elephant fly?
you need about four feet of zipper
posted by Redhush at 2:56 PM on April 8, 2011
a walkie talkie
how do you make an elephant fly?
you need about four feet of zipper
posted by Redhush at 2:56 PM on April 8, 2011
Where do generals put their armies?
In their sleevies!
posted by jadegenie at 3:12 PM on April 8, 2011
In their sleevies!
posted by jadegenie at 3:12 PM on April 8, 2011
Why don't people-eaters eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
posted by Gerard Sorme at 3:46 PM on April 8, 2011
Because they taste funny!
posted by Gerard Sorme at 3:46 PM on April 8, 2011
I was waiting for the bus one day and this guy walked by snapping his fingers.
(snap your fingers in a jazzy beat)
I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I'm grooving to the music of life," and he kept on walking.
A few minutes later, this girl walked by snapping her fingers.
(snap your fingers in a rock like beat)
I asked him what she was doing and she said "I'm rocking to the rhythm of the planet," and she kept on walking.
Then the bus arrived and this guy got off and he was snapping his fingers all over the place.
(snap your fingers all crazy with no beat)
I asked if he was grooving to the music of life or rocking to the rhythm of the planet and he said, "No, I've got boogers on my fingers and they won't come off!"
posted by jaimystery at 3:49 PM on April 8, 2011
(snap your fingers in a jazzy beat)
I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I'm grooving to the music of life," and he kept on walking.
A few minutes later, this girl walked by snapping her fingers.
(snap your fingers in a rock like beat)
I asked him what she was doing and she said "I'm rocking to the rhythm of the planet," and she kept on walking.
Then the bus arrived and this guy got off and he was snapping his fingers all over the place.
(snap your fingers all crazy with no beat)
I asked if he was grooving to the music of life or rocking to the rhythm of the planet and he said, "No, I've got boogers on my fingers and they won't come off!"
posted by jaimystery at 3:49 PM on April 8, 2011
A horrible pun, one that I'm almost loathe to give away without seeing your reactions.
Tell the kids you have a great joke, but first they have to picture a henway. Wait for the inevitable "What's a henway?" "Oh, about 3 pounds" (Say it out loud if you're having trouble with this one.)
posted by Hactar at 4:06 PM on April 8, 2011
Tell the kids you have a great joke, but first they have to picture a henway. Wait for the inevitable "What's a henway?" "Oh, about 3 pounds" (Say it out loud if you're having trouble with this one.)
posted by Hactar at 4:06 PM on April 8, 2011
There are two muffins in the oven.
One muffin says to the other muffin, "boy, is it hot in here."
The other muffin says, "holy cow, a talking muffin!"
posted by freshwater at 5:02 PM on April 8, 2011
One muffin says to the other muffin, "boy, is it hot in here."
The other muffin says, "holy cow, a talking muffin!"
posted by freshwater at 5:02 PM on April 8, 2011
Q:What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
A: Sure Bert!
posted by Hop123 at 5:03 PM on April 8, 2011
A: Sure Bert!
posted by Hop123 at 5:03 PM on April 8, 2011
Best answer: Elephant jokes are the best jokes in this category, certainly if all your jokes build on one another! I bookmarked this page yesterday.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
posted by lioness at 5:08 PM on April 8, 2011 [15 favorites]
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
posted by lioness at 5:08 PM on April 8, 2011 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: You guys are killing me. In a good way. The jokes are wonderful. In a corny way.
For a guy whose repertoire previously consisted of, "What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper!", I feel like I have more than enough material to be a complete ham. Thank you!
posted by vverse23 at 5:36 PM on April 8, 2011
For a guy whose repertoire previously consisted of, "What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper!", I feel like I have more than enough material to be a complete ham. Thank you!
posted by vverse23 at 5:36 PM on April 8, 2011
Q: What does an elephant have in his trunk?
A: A six foot long booger.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
posted by Daddy-O at 6:15 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
A: A six foot long booger.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
posted by Daddy-O at 6:15 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
A chicken walks into the library and orders three books.
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in a voice that sounds like a chicken clucking.)
The librarian is surprised because he's never seen a chicken asking for books in the library before, but he decides it's the library's duty to serve all their customers, so he goes into the stacks and selects three books that would be of interest to chickens. The chicken leaves the library carrying the books under her wing.
The next day, the chicken returns the books and orders three more books.
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in the chicken clucking voice.)
The librarian is puzzled, but goes back to the stacks and selects three more books of interest to chickens. The chicken leaves the library carrying the books under her wing.
The next day, the chicken returns the books and orders yet another three books.
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in the chicken clucking voice.)
This time the librarian gets so curious that he selects three books, gives them to the chicken, and then quietly follows the chicken as she leaves the library with the books. The chicken walks all the way down the street, all the way out to the edge of the town, and all the way to the swamp. There, the chicken presents the books to a frog, but the frog rejects the books and says,
Read it.... Read it read it. (Say this in a voice that sounds like a frog croaking.)
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:00 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in a voice that sounds like a chicken clucking.)
The librarian is surprised because he's never seen a chicken asking for books in the library before, but he decides it's the library's duty to serve all their customers, so he goes into the stacks and selects three books that would be of interest to chickens. The chicken leaves the library carrying the books under her wing.
The next day, the chicken returns the books and orders three more books.
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in the chicken clucking voice.)
The librarian is puzzled, but goes back to the stacks and selects three more books of interest to chickens. The chicken leaves the library carrying the books under her wing.
The next day, the chicken returns the books and orders yet another three books.
Book! Book! Book! (Say this in the chicken clucking voice.)
This time the librarian gets so curious that he selects three books, gives them to the chicken, and then quietly follows the chicken as she leaves the library with the books. The chicken walks all the way down the street, all the way out to the edge of the town, and all the way to the swamp. There, the chicken presents the books to a frog, but the frog rejects the books and says,
Read it.... Read it read it. (Say this in a voice that sounds like a frog croaking.)
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:00 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mod note: comment removed - I do not know why you think your rapey catholic jokes are at all appropriate for this thread, but they are not
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:54 PM on April 8, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:54 PM on April 8, 2011
Seconding the comedic value of elephant jokes. Some variants on those covered, some new:
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.
(long string about elephants in refrigerators/Mini Coopers/VWs follow-up):
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper (VW)?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue?
A: A nun (or zebra) rolling down a hill.
Q: What goes ninety-nine thump, ninety-nine thump, ninety-nine thump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg.
Okay, last one:
A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?"
"No," says the bartender.
"Got any grapes?" says the duck.
"I just told you, no," says the bartender.
"Oh. Any grapes back there?" says the duck.
"Scram!" says the bartender.
"Okay," says the duck, "but got any grapes?"
By this point, the bartender is furious. "Listen, duck, I don't have any grapes. None at all. If you so much as ask me for a grape one more time, I'm gonna nail your beak to this here bar. You understand what I'm saying to you?"
"Got any nails? asks the duck.
"No."
"Got any grapes?"
posted by Graygorey at 8:04 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.
(long string about elephants in refrigerators/Mini Coopers/VWs follow-up):
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper (VW)?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue?
A: A nun (or zebra) rolling down a hill.
Q: What goes ninety-nine thump, ninety-nine thump, ninety-nine thump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg.
Okay, last one:
A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?"
"No," says the bartender.
"Got any grapes?" says the duck.
"I just told you, no," says the bartender.
"Oh. Any grapes back there?" says the duck.
"Scram!" says the bartender.
"Okay," says the duck, "but got any grapes?"
By this point, the bartender is furious. "Listen, duck, I don't have any grapes. None at all. If you so much as ask me for a grape one more time, I'm gonna nail your beak to this here bar. You understand what I'm saying to you?"
"Got any nails? asks the duck.
"No."
"Got any grapes?"
posted by Graygorey at 8:04 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
More came to me, sorry.
Q: Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: So you can tell them apart from bluebirds.
Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: Do you smell carrots?
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: Meet me at the corner.
Doctor, doctor, please help! My husband thinks he's a chicken!
Bring him in immediately, and I can cure him.
Well, I would - but we need the eggs.
Doctor, doctor, please help! My husband thinks he's a car!
Bring him in - I must see him right away!
I will - he's parked right out front!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
posted by Graygorey at 8:17 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Q: Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: So you can tell them apart from bluebirds.
Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: Do you smell carrots?
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: Meet me at the corner.
Doctor, doctor, please help! My husband thinks he's a chicken!
Bring him in immediately, and I can cure him.
Well, I would - but we need the eggs.
Doctor, doctor, please help! My husband thinks he's a car!
Bring him in - I must see him right away!
I will - he's parked right out front!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
posted by Graygorey at 8:17 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
What do you get when you cross a helicopter with a rhino? Hell if I know.
A ship's captain is taking his treasure in to port. The ship is attacked by a pirate ship. The captain turns to his first mate and says "first mate, bring me my red pants!" He changes into the pants and the crew fight off the pirate ship successfully.
As they near the shore, they suddenly see four pirate ships! The captain again turns to his first mate and demands his red pants. Again, he and his crew are able to fight off the pirates, and continue to sail to shore.
A crew member asks, "captain, why do you always ask for your red pants before we go in to battle?" The captain explains that they help to hide any blood he might have, which makes his crew much braver in defending the ship.
Just as the ship is getting in to port, they suddenly run up on ten pirate ships! The captain turns to his first mate and says "first mate, bring me my brown pants!"
posted by Gilbert at 8:38 PM on April 8, 2011
A ship's captain is taking his treasure in to port. The ship is attacked by a pirate ship. The captain turns to his first mate and says "first mate, bring me my red pants!" He changes into the pants and the crew fight off the pirate ship successfully.
As they near the shore, they suddenly see four pirate ships! The captain again turns to his first mate and demands his red pants. Again, he and his crew are able to fight off the pirates, and continue to sail to shore.
A crew member asks, "captain, why do you always ask for your red pants before we go in to battle?" The captain explains that they help to hide any blood he might have, which makes his crew much braver in defending the ship.
Just as the ship is getting in to port, they suddenly run up on ten pirate ships! The captain turns to his first mate and says "first mate, bring me my brown pants!"
posted by Gilbert at 8:38 PM on April 8, 2011
I love this song - What kind of cat are you? It's not all jokes, but there are a few in there, and there's a ton of call and response stuff that I think kids would like. I picture singing the chorus and just asking the questions for the rest.
posted by maryr at 9:11 PM on April 8, 2011
posted by maryr at 9:11 PM on April 8, 2011
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh!
posted by Gucky at 10:33 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A: Fsh!
posted by Gucky at 10:33 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
What is black, white and red all over?
A panda who fell down the stairs.
Whats the letter after Q matey?
ARHHHHHHHHHH
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 9:11 AM on April 9, 2011
A panda who fell down the stairs.
Whats the letter after Q matey?
ARHHHHHHHHHH
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 9:11 AM on April 9, 2011
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
posted by Graygorey at 10:48 AM on April 9, 2011
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
posted by Graygorey at 10:48 AM on April 9, 2011
An ant goes to her favourite beach, picks a spot, spreads out her towel, takes out her sunglasses, puts them on, takes out the suntan lotion and spreads it over herself and lies down to sun herself.
An elephant comes along and plops down in front of the ant, leaving her in the shade.
The ant screams, pokes and kicks at the elephant, but the elephant can't hear her cause she's so small.
So the ant stands up, rolls up her towel, takes off the suntan lotion and starts walking around the elephant.
About 3 hours later, she's made it all the way around, and unrolls her towel, takes out her sunglasses, puts them on, reapplies the suntan lotion and lies down, in front of the elephant.
Then she looks up and says triumphantly 'Annoying, isn't it???'
posted by signal at 8:34 PM on April 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
An elephant comes along and plops down in front of the ant, leaving her in the shade.
The ant screams, pokes and kicks at the elephant, but the elephant can't hear her cause she's so small.
So the ant stands up, rolls up her towel, takes off the suntan lotion and starts walking around the elephant.
About 3 hours later, she's made it all the way around, and unrolls her towel, takes out her sunglasses, puts them on, reapplies the suntan lotion and lies down, in front of the elephant.
Then she looks up and says triumphantly 'Annoying, isn't it???'
posted by signal at 8:34 PM on April 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
> My all-time favorite:
Q;What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
My favorite riff on this is where the answer is instead "chocolate cake!"
posted by ifjuly at 2:08 PM on April 10, 2011
Q;What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
My favorite riff on this is where the answer is instead "chocolate cake!"
posted by ifjuly at 2:08 PM on April 10, 2011
Whats the letter after Q matey?
ARHHHHHHHHHH
Ooh, this reminds me: I love bad pirate jokes! There's a zillion here, plus it's easy to make up your own.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrrrrrrrrr.
Why do pirates go on vacation?
For arrrrrrr and arrrrrrrr.
What happens when a pirate's ship wrecks?
He takes the carrrrrrrr.
Why are pirate jokes so bad?
They just arrrrrrrrrr.
(etc., etc.)
What do pirates drink?
Rum.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:31 AM on April 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
ARHHHHHHHHHH
Ooh, this reminds me: I love bad pirate jokes! There's a zillion here, plus it's easy to make up your own.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrrrrrrrrr.
Why do pirates go on vacation?
For arrrrrrr and arrrrrrrr.
What happens when a pirate's ship wrecks?
He takes the carrrrrrrr.
Why are pirate jokes so bad?
They just arrrrrrrrrr.
(etc., etc.)
What do pirates drink?
Rum.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:31 AM on April 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Q: There is H2O inside the fire hydrant, but what is on the outside of the fire hydrant?
A: K9P
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 6:12 AM on April 15, 2011
A: K9P
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 6:12 AM on April 15, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Safiya at 12:26 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]