Kid's Table Cut-Up
December 13, 2005 9:10 AM   Subscribe

Kidjokefilter: Help me make my nine year old cousins laugh.

I'm the oldest grandchild, and I have oodles of young cousins who adore me (and who I adore right back). We like to tell stupid jokes:

Question: What's brown and sticky?
Punchline: A stick!

The famlilial holiday gathering is approaching ... I need some new material. What are your favorite silly/punny/hilarious jokes? Extra points if they involve sharks.
posted by inging to Society & Culture (70 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
 
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts!

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't! You get down from a duck.
posted by Fat Guy at 9:15 AM on December 13, 2005


Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'How do you start this thing?'.

Lorry load of tortoises crashes into a lorry load of terrapins. Turtle disaster.

Tanker full of red paint crashes into a tanker full of purple paint. Both crews totally marooned.
posted by edd at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


Question: What's brown and sticky?
Punchline: A stick!


There's also:
Q: What's brown, and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!
posted by martinrebas at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2005


Are nine-year old too old for knock-knock jokes?
posted by GuyZero at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2005


Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools.

What has no beginning, end or middle and touches every continent?
The ocean.

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.

What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea?
It sinks to the bottom.

What fish is the most valuable?
A goldfish.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
They have their own scales.

What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.

Why did the fish cross the road?
Somebody threw it!

What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?
The tune-a fish!

What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow?
I don't know... but I wouldn't want to milk it.

How do you shoot a blue shark?
With a blue shark spear gun.

How do you shoot a great white shark?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

What is purple and lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?
Moby Plum.

Why are manatees so wrinkled?
Did you ever tried to iron one?

What's green and squishy and spends a lot of time underwater?
An avocado with a scuba suit.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck!

What do you get when you graduate from scuba diving school?
A deep-loma.
posted by crunchland at 9:20 AM on December 13, 2005


What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 9:23 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
A: Dam.

Q: What do you call happy mushrooms?
A: Fungi to be with.
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:24 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


Kid: We call our teacher "Treasure"
Parent: Why, do you like her?
Kid: No, we think she should be buried
posted by patricio at 9:30 AM on December 13, 2005


Q: What did the One say to the Eight?
A: Nice belt.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?

Panth er no panth, I'm going thwimming.

(obviously, that one's only funny if you say it, not read it - although you may not find it funny then, either)
posted by Cyrie at 9:32 AM on December 13, 2005


A lion, a donkey and a dolphin walk into a bar. Barman says "What on earth is this? Some kind of joke?"
posted by edd at 9:35 AM on December 13, 2005


Q: Why do cherry trees smell?
A: Because George Washington cut one.

Q: Why do peanuts smell?
A: Because George Washington carved one.
posted by maryh at 9:35 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
posted by iconomy at 9:36 AM on December 13, 2005


A page with shark jokes on it, just in case crunchland didn't copy them all ;)
posted by iconomy at 9:40 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


What did one wall say to the other wall? "Meet you at the corner!"

What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb? "Let's go out tonight!"

What do gingerbread men sleep on? Cookie sheets!
posted by Dean King at 9:41 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised nobody told this one yet:

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 !

Or another favorite:
Knock Knock
Who's there
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting co.. MOO!
posted by jozxyqk at 9:42 AM on December 13, 2005


Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Q: What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
A: Milkshake

Q: What do you call a bull with epilepsy?
A: Beef Jerky.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef. (ETA: Gah! Iconomy beat me!)

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts!

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer. (No idea(r), for those of you who didn't grow up in the south.)

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees!
Q: But wait, elephants can't hide in cherry trees!
A: See? It works!

Q: What's green and red and goes fifty miles an hour in a circle?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What's green and red and brown and goes fifty miles an hour in a circle?
A: A frog that's been in a blender for two weeks.

And there's always the truly tasteful "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call some arms and some legs on a wall?
A: Other pieces of Art.

Guy in a pile of leaves: Russel
Guy in a pool: Bob
Guy in front of a door: Matt
posted by fuzzbean at 9:44 AM on December 13, 2005


What did the farmer say when he lost his rake?
Hey, where's my rake?

There's the old, "Wanna hear a dirty joke?" standby: "Six white horses fell in the mud."
posted by yerfatma at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2005


Q: What's yellow and deadly?
A: Shark-infested custard.
posted by scruss at 9:54 AM on December 13, 2005


What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.

What were Tarzan's last words?
Who greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaased the viiiiiiiiiiine?

and, my favorite and most hilarious joke of all time:
Once there was this boy named Butt Itches. One time he ran out in the street and got hit by a car. His mother ran over and she started yelling "Oh, oh, my Butt Itches!! Help, help, my Butt Itches!! My Butt Itches!!"

I'm suddenly worried about the fact that these are the kid jokes I remember most clearly. . .
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:54 AM on December 13, 2005


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting sta-- (Immediately cover their face with your open hand, fingers splayed out like a starfish.)

Slightly more fun than the old standby, "interrupting cow." ("Interrupting cow wh-" "MOOOOOOOOOOO!")
posted by logovisual at 9:55 AM on December 13, 2005


What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants marching through the jungle?
"There go the elephants marching through the jungle!"

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants marching through the jungle?
"Oooh, look at the huge grapes!" (She was colorblind)

What did President Clinton say when he saw the elephants marching through the White House gates?
"We weren't expecting you until Tuesday!"
posted by ilsa at 9:59 AM on December 13, 2005


This is old, but I love it:
What did the zen Bhuddist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
posted by Sara Anne at 10:02 AM on December 13, 2005


The anti-knock knock joke:
You ask someone: "Do you want to hear a knock-knock joke?"
When they say yes, you say: "OK, you start."
They say: "Knock knock."
You say: "Who's there?"
The end.
(courtesy my 8-year old niece)
posted by TimeFactor at 10:05 AM on December 13, 2005


A man goes into the bakery and says "can you make me a cake shaped like an elephant?" Sure, says the baker, buts that's a special order it will take two days.

Two days later the man comes back. "Is my elephant cake ready?" The baker says "yes, I will bring it right out."

When the man sees the elephant cake he says "that's not what I wanted. Look at those big ears. That's an african elephant. I wanted an indian elephant cake."

The baker says "OK, come back in two days and I will make the indian elephant cake."

Two days later the man returns, and the baker shows him the cake, and he says "perfect, that's just right."

The baker says "so, shall I wrap it up for you then?"

"No," the man says, "I'll eat it here."
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:07 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


And there's always the truly tasteful "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes:

Whaddayacall a guy with no arms, no legs, and a hundred rabbits up his bum?

Warren.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:08 AM on December 13, 2005


My favorite joke. I got it from a kid and used it whenever I wanted to hear a class groan.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.
posted by Seamus at 10:10 AM on December 13, 2005


This thread owes me a new keyboard.

Especially you, ROU_Xenophobe. Especially you.
posted by fuzzbean at 10:13 AM on December 13, 2005


A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:17 AM on December 13, 2005


How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on it.

How do you catch a tame bird?
The tame way.

[I can't believe no one has posted this one yet.]
posted by matildaben at 10:18 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A zebra hit by a freight train.
posted by fuzzbean at 10:25 AM on December 13, 2005


What does a 500 pound canary say?
(In your deepest, 500 pound voice): CHIRRRRRRRRP.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:26 AM on December 13, 2005


What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas.
posted by firstdrop at 10:31 AM on December 13, 2005


Q. Do you know the one about the broken pencil?
A. Ehhh, there's no point

Q. Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?
A. Well, well, well...

You: Two men were sailing in a boat. Their names were Pete and Repete. Pete fell out of the boat. Who was left?
Your cousin: Repete.
You: OK. Two men were sailing...

Q. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A. A towel

Q. What's black, white, and red and can't go through revolving doors?
A. A nun with a spear through her head.
posted by plinth at 10:32 AM on December 13, 2005


What the difference between booger and brussels sprouts?
Kids don't eat brussels sprouts.

Two sausages are in a frying pan. First sausage say, "Boy, it sure is hot in here." Second sausage says "Hey look! A talking sausage!"

A man in a library walks up to the librarian and says, "Hi, I'd like a cheeseburger."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
The man says, "(whispering)Hi, I'd like a cheeseburger."

What did the snail say after he climbed on the turtles back?
WHEEEEEEE!!!

(Okay, that last one is never as funny as I remember it being.)
posted by bDiddy at 10:33 AM on December 13, 2005 [2 favorites]


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino?!?
posted by Pollomacho at 10:34 AM on December 13, 2005


I just heard a good kid's joke this morning on CBC radio:

Q. What's the first thing a monster eats after he gets his teeth cleaned?
A. The dentist!
posted by KathyK at 10:35 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


MeFi Joke Thread I
MeFi Joke Thread II
posted by jazon at 10:38 AM on December 13, 2005


Why does an ostrich have such a long neck?
Because its head is so far from its body.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saurus.

Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it!

What do you get if you cross a toad with a galaxy?
Star warts!

What animals do you have to be careful of when you take exams?
Cheetahs!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily!

If you put 30 female apes and 30 male apes in a bedroom, what do you have?
A very large bedroom.

What does a shark eat for dinner?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

What happened to the man who couldn't tell putty from toothpaste?
His windows fell out

What has a bottom at its top?
A leg

What's sweet and sour and violent?
Kung-food

What two things can't you have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens

reading all of these in succession makes them seem not funny. so they might not be funny, but there's a couple shark ones in there.
posted by carsonb at 10:41 AM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


What did the snail say when he went for a ride on a turtle's back?

Whee!
posted by Wild_Eep at 10:47 AM on December 13, 2005


What do you call Charlie Brown with no legs?

Ground Chuck.
posted by teddymac at 10:49 AM on December 13, 2005


Geez, I remember reading Boy's Life just for the 3-4 pages of jokes people would send in. Most were of the same quality as the ones in this thread, no-arm-no-leg jokes notwithstanding. I imagine that magazine would seem corny these days, but I looked forward to it every month.
posted by Wild_Eep at 10:53 AM on December 13, 2005


These are all fantastic, thank you! And, in the spirit of sharing, here are some of my favorites:

Q: How do you sell a duck to a man who's hard of hearing?
P: (loudly) HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A DUCK?

Two cows were standing around on a hillside, chewing their cud, discussing current events, when the subject of mad cow disease came up. The first cow said to the second cow, "Boy, mad cow disease sure is scary. I wouldn't want to catch it. Are you afraid of catching mad cow disease?"

And the second cow looked at the first cow and said, "Naw, I'm a duck."

Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
P: A slipper!
posted by inging at 11:03 AM on December 13, 2005


Following the "Ground Beef" joke there's:
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-Eye-Deer (No Idea)

Knock-knock..
Icy
Icy who?
I see your underpants (this slays kids)
posted by lrivers at 11:05 AM on December 13, 2005


what do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2005


A fellow is sitting in an ice cream parlor when a old, gnarled pirate stumps through the door. The pirate has a peg leg, and a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

The fellow says "Hey Old Salt, I'll buy you an ice cream if you spin me a tale of your pirate adventures."

"Aye, matey, ye cut a fine deal" says the pirate. "What'll ye know?"

"Well," says the fellow, "How did you get your peg leg?"

"Arrr!" says the pirate. "'Twas in the South Seas, me fine frigate ship ran aground on a spit of sand, and I was cast into the wine-dark sea. I held fast to a floating barrel of rum for four days and three nights - and before I was rescued, a blasted SHARK got me leg."

"Wow" says the fellow "And how did you get your hooked hand?"

"Well, twas a treasure seeking voyage, and we were six days out of Kingston. A storm was on the horizon, and I was up in the rigging, reefing the topsail. Out of nowhere, a blasted SEAGULL attacks me! I unsheathed me cutlass, and wrapped a rope around me wrist to steady meself as I sliced fruitlessly at the foul bird... The lily-livered gull made another pass at me! I hacked and missed again, and I lost me footing in the rigging. The rope around me wrist was yanked tight.... and when I woke up, I had this here hook. Tis' the terrrrible truth. Yarrr."

"Gosh!" says the fellow. "What about the eye patch?"

"Yarr.. 'twas that same seagull, (mumble) flying above me"

"I don't understand...."

(pause for effect)

"Yarr! "TWAS ME FIRST DAY WITH THE HOOK!"
posted by Triode at 11:36 AM on December 13, 2005


Where is the largest pencil in the world?
Pennsylvania

knock knock
who's there?
BOO
Boo Who?
It's just a joke, don't cry.


My winning phrase for getting smiles at picture time is:

Everyone say: POOPIUS MAJORA
(New England FART works well too: faht)
posted by UncleHornHead at 12:08 PM on December 13, 2005


What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley
posted by DandyRandy at 1:03 PM on December 13, 2005


What's green and goes a hundred mile an hour backwards?
(Sniff wetly)
posted by DandyRandy at 1:04 PM on December 13, 2005


What's a waheeni?

It's what you put on a ba-hun with ma-hustard.
posted by DandyRandy at 1:05 PM on December 13, 2005


Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A zebra hit by a freight train.


What's black and white and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:34 PM on December 13, 2005


Throughout my choldhood the greatest joke ever was:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana!!!
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 2:04 PM on December 13, 2005


Dead Baby jokes--it's time (they're old enough, but don't tell them in front of the parents)
posted by amberglow at 2:05 PM on December 13, 2005


(i still love that one, Slack) : >

oh, and when they hit 13, you can start on dead celebrity jokes.
posted by amberglow at 2:06 PM on December 13, 2005


Just try to get them to say certain funny-words without cracking a smile in a serious tone, like poop. They'll go around much of the day just trying to do it without smiling.
posted by vanoakenfold at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2005


Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
---------
Ask me if I'm a car.
Are you a car?
Yes. Ask me if I'm a boat.
Are you a boat?
No... I just told you that I'm a car!
posted by Aknaton at 2:35 PM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]


Q: What's red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A: A frog in a blender!

And dedicated to amberglow:

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A: You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork!

Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood!
posted by Fat Guy at 2:43 PM on December 13, 2005


put your fingers in your ear.

say to your audience, "Ask me why I have my fingers in my ears."

audience: "Why are your fingers in your ears?"

you: "WHAT?!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'VE GOT MY FINGERS IN MY EARS!!!"
posted by carsonb at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2005


Fat Guy:

Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower the night she died?

Because she figured she'd wash up on shore the next morning!
posted by inging at 2:58 PM on December 13, 2005


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the dog.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A penguin. (Forget this joke if they would think it was a Madagascar reference.)

This story if you want to be the edgy-cool cousin:
A man was going on vacation for a week, so he asked his sister to look after his cat at her house. When the man came back, he called the sister to see when he could pick the cat up again.
"I'm really sorry," said the sister, "but your cat died while you were away."
The man was really upset. "You could have broken the news better! When I called today, you could've said he was on the roof and you couldn't get him down. And then when I called the next day, you could've said he had fallen off the roof and was at the vet's. And then on the day after that, after you've led up to it enough, you could have finally told me he died!"
"You're right," the sister said. "I'm really sorry."
"It's fine," said the man. "So how's the rest of the family? How's Mom?"
The sister hesitated. "Mom's on the roof and I can't get her to come down."
posted by booksandlibretti at 3:06 PM on December 13, 2005


Doo Da and Did Da worked in a mine together. One day the mine collapsed, and Doo Da was killed. Because Doo Da and Did Da were best friends, the boss gave Did Da the difficult job of telling Doo Da's wife about his untimely death.

The whole way to Doo Da's house, Did Da thought and thought about how he was going to tell Doo Da's wife. He was so upset, and wasn't sure what to say. He thought and thought and thought about it for the whole long walk. Finally, he knocked on the door and when Doo Da's wife opened it, Did Da blurted out (energetically, to the tune of Camp Town Ladies):

Guess who died in the mine today?
Doo Da! Doo Da!
posted by jennyb at 3:24 PM on December 13, 2005


How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boggie in it
posted by 6:1 at 4:36 PM on December 13, 2005


I can't wait to share this with my kids.

"Why was 9 affraid of 7?"

"Because 7 ate 9."
posted by snsranch at 5:23 PM on December 13, 2005


I forgot the pirate jokes;

What does a pirate drive when he's not at sea?

A Carrrghhh.
Etc.
posted by snsranch at 5:42 PM on December 13, 2005


A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and say, "Hey, you know you got a steering wheel lodged in your crotch?"
"Yarr, it's driving me nuts!"


What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.


Why are crocodiles brown and flat?
Because if they were yellow and round, they'd be lemons.


March winds bring April showers, and April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.


Why didn't the dyslexics show up at the French Revolution?
They were at the drug store, storming the pastille.


Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:51 PM on December 13, 2005


At what time should you go to the dentist?

2:30.
posted by Aknaton at 8:49 PM on December 13, 2005


Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make a noise like a lettuce.
posted by freston at 3:18 AM on December 14, 2005


What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
posted by flashboy at 7:13 AM on December 15, 2005


Q: Why does Snoop Doggy Dogg carry and umbrella?
A: For da drizzle.
posted by terrapin at 10:27 AM on December 15, 2005


What do you call someone skeptikal about magic?
Pessi-mystical.
posted by divabat at 11:56 AM on December 17, 2005


Q: What do you call a Scotsman half in, half out of his front door?
A: Hamish

and to follow on from fuzzbean's lead, here's one so rank that you'll have to rot13 it, then translate it from Scots to get it:

Q: What do you call a man with no arms?
A: Fuvgrl Nefr
posted by scruss at 5:14 PM on December 17, 2005


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