Did You Hear The One About...
February 19, 2004 8:49 PM   Subscribe

What's the funniest joke you've heard recently? It seems like nobody tells jokes anymore.
posted by mecran01 to Grab Bag (84 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
Q: What's all brown and sticky?
A: A Stick! A Stick, get it? it's Sticky!

People occasionally accuse me of having a childish sense of humor, but really, I find that to be one damn funny joke.
posted by daver at 8:52 PM on February 19, 2004

Dear Playboy Advisor: What kind of stereo system works best in Hell?
posted by crunchburger at 9:01 PM on February 19, 2004

I've heard this one a few times lately, and it was on the radio this morning:

Mike and Joey go out to the bar, and after a few too many drinks, Mike pukes all over his shirt.
"Oh jeez," says Mike. "I told my wife I wouldn't drink too much and now she's going to know I was out boozing it up. She's going to kill me."
"Relax," says Joey. "Just slip a $20 into your shirt pocket and tell her some guy puked on you and gave you money for the dry cleaning bill."
Satisfied that this will work, the two have a few more drinks and Mike finally stumbles home.
His wife sees him and immediately goes off on a tirade. "You told me you weren't going to drink too much but you drank enough to get sick and you puked all over yourself."
"No no no," slurs Mike. "A guy puked on my shirt and he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning. See?"
Mike reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out two $20 bills.
"So what's the other $20 for?" his wife asks.
"Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants."

If that's a little too ribald for your tastes, I like this one:
Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I was lying about the wheels.
posted by Coffeemate at 9:07 PM on February 19, 2004 [2 favorites]

A priest and a rabbi were talking over lunch.
The priest asks, "Rabbi, have you ever eaten pork before?"
The rabbi says "Yes, once, before I was ordained."
The priest asks, "How was it?"
The rabbi says "It was pretty good."

They eat in silence until...

The rabbi asks, "Father, have you ever made love to a woman?"
The priest answers, "Yes, before I was ordained."
The rabbi asks, "How was it?"
The priest says "It was GREAT."
The rabbi says, "Beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"
posted by PrinceValium at 9:12 PM on February 19, 2004 [1 favorite]

How do you kill a circus?

go for the juggler.
posted by Marquis at 9:12 PM on February 19, 2004 [1 favorite]

Old MeFi Thread which started with the 'world's funniest joke' -- many jokes inside, some of which are actually slightly funny
posted by anastasiav at 9:16 PM on February 19, 2004

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course..."

"The Czech is in the male."
posted by carter at 9:22 PM on February 19, 2004

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
(It was dead.)


What's green on ice?
Peggy Phlegm!


What's green and flies through the sky?
Super Pickle!


Thanks. I'm here all week.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:42 PM on February 19, 2004

See, the thing is, all really great jokes rely on delivery. Like there's this one terribly long-winded one I used to tell about the Pope needing a heart transplant that really wasn't all that funny except for all the jumping around and gesturing it entailed. Anyway, that aside...

Q: Why are dragons big, green and scaley?
(dramatic pause)
A: Because if they were small, smooth, and white, they'd be a tic tac!

and my father's personal favorite:

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?! (dead serious pause) It was intense!
posted by nelleish at 9:43 PM on February 19, 2004

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
posted by brownpau at 9:43 PM on February 19, 2004 [2 favorites]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Woo who?
Calm down, it's just a joke.

For extra hilarity, have whoever start twirling their finger in the air before you start the joke.
posted by Pockets at 9:49 PM on February 19, 2004

This sticks in my mind for some reason...

Four nuns are in a car wreck and are at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks them if they have anything they would like to confess. The first nun says, "Yes father, I've had impure thoughts." St. Pete swishes some holy water on her head and waves her inside. The second nun says, "Father, I touched a man", St. Peter tells her to dip her hand in the holy water and allows her entrance. Just then the last nun in line says, "Excuse me father, but would you mind if I cut in line. I don't want to drink this water after she's sat in in."

Thanks. I'm at the Denny's on I-70 all week.
posted by damnitkage at 9:53 PM on February 19, 2004

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms, no legs, floating in a pool?

Bob! But you knew that.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms, no legs, and a hundred rabbits up his bum?

posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:53 PM on February 19, 2004

A horse and a pony live in neighbouring fields. Every day they race each other up and down the fence, and every day the horse wins. One day the horse says to the pony "Look, this is a little unfair, I'm bigger than you are, I have longer legs, and it can't be much fun for you to lose every time, so how about I give you a head start? I won't start running until you've reached the end of the field and are starting back." The pony says "Thank you, horse, that's very generous of you, I'd really appreciate it, I think it'd make me feel much better." So the pony starts running, but the horse takes off after him right away and, of course, wins the race yet again. The farm dog has been sitting watching the whole thing and says to the horse "Look here, that wasn't very nice of you, you said you wouldn't start running until the pony was at the end of the field! You didn't give him more than two strides of head start!" And the horse says......

"Holy crap! A talking dog!"
posted by biscotti at 9:57 PM on February 19, 2004

nelleish: That's so true, especially with Shaggy-Dog jokes which are just fun to watch, listen, and tell. The more crazy, the better.

Here's one I love to tell to friends, although it's not really all that long. And I am tired, so I just found it online and am cutting and pasting it in... I tell it slightly differently.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
posted by tittergrrl at 10:08 PM on February 19, 2004 [3 favorites]

Oh, and my little sister's favorite joke for the longest time:

Two men walk into a bar.
Ouch Ouch.
posted by tittergrrl at 10:13 PM on February 19, 2004

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street talking to each other when they see a young boy walking towards them.

The priest whispers to the rabbi, "Hey rabbi, why don't we screw that little boy?"

The rabbi whispers to the priest, "Out of what?"

I originally read that one on FARK, believe it or not.
posted by Asparagirl at 10:13 PM on February 19, 2004

you forgot the rest of the joke series!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
posted by notsnot at 10:29 PM on February 19, 2004

Personal favorite that's currently making the rounds:

Guy comes home and his wife is packing her suitcase. He asks where she is going.
"I just found out Las Vegas has legal prostitution. I can get $200 for what I give to you for free!"
So the man goes to the closet and begins packing his own suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas too. I want to see you live on $400 per year".

Old favorite:

(You, to another person) "Hey, ask me if I'm a tree"
(Other) "Are you a tree?"
(You, incredulously) No!

And for the easy setup and knockdown:

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"

I can't resist:

A guy goes into a bar and sits next to a man with a box playing music.

The guy asks what is in the box. The man replies "A 1 foot tall man playing a piano". The guy asks how he got it. The man replies he has a magic lamp. So the guy asks if he can use it, the man says yes.

He rubs the lamp and says "I wish for a million bucks!". Just then hundreds upon hundreds then thousands of ducks start walking into the bar.

The guy says "No! No! I asked for a million BUCKS not DUCKS."

The man says "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Ok one more.

A man dies. On the funeral procession the hearse has to climb a tall hill.

The back gate of the hearse flies open and the casket hops out and starts whisking down the hill. Cars dodge out of the way and the casket eventually crashes through the front window of a drug store and comes to rest right in front of the pharmacist.

The casket then pops open and the corpse sits upright and turns to the pharmacist and says "Hey, do you have anything that will stop this COFFIN."
posted by Ynoxas at 10:44 PM on February 19, 2004

Credit where credit's due
posted by daver at 10:48 PM on February 19, 2004

This is the only joke I can consistently remember. I heard it as a kid on the Bozo show.

What do you call Batman and Robin after having been run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon
posted by the biscuit man at 10:52 PM on February 19, 2004

An older couple is visiting Vancouver BC [CANADA] and stops in at a famous art gallery. They spend several hours and have a lovely time. Towards the end of their visit they ask the curator to help them interpret a painting which has them puzzled. The painting feature 3 naked black men sitting on a park bench. The middle one has a pink penis.

"Well" says the curator, the three figures represent the experience of African Americans in contemporary western society".

The couple thanks the curator and is about to leave when a scroungy looking fellow with a maritime accent approaches them and says "Would you like to know the real meaning of this painting"?

"How would you know the real meaning of this painting?" They ask, taken aback.

"I painted it" he replies. "There are infact no african americans in this painting. The 3 men the painting are infact newfie coal miners. One of them's gone home for lunch."
posted by daver at 11:04 PM on February 19, 2004

Young priest is tasked with ministering to the denizens of the local red light district. He is approached by many women, each of them saying, "Hey Father, would you like a blowjob? Only $10 since you're a man of the cloth."

Of course the priest, in his innocence, doesn't have the slightest idea of what a BJ is, so he merely smiles and blesses the ladies, and moves on.

When he's done, he returns to the church and, in some consternation, asks his superior, "Father, what's a blowjob?"

"Ten dollars. Same as downtown."
posted by WolfDaddy at 11:31 PM on February 19, 2004

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the backseat. A cop stopped him and said that he couldn't drive around with the penguins in the car and told him he should take them to the zoo. The man agreed and drove off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again. He is stopped by the same cop who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
posted by gatorae at 12:13 AM on February 20, 2004

Q: What's big, purple, and lives at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Moby Grape
posted by Khalad at 12:22 AM on February 20, 2004

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Thanks, enjoy the veal.
posted by dobbs at 12:23 AM on February 20, 2004

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
posted by biffa at 1:47 AM on February 20, 2004 [1 favorite]

- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Interrupting sheep
- Inturrupting sh--
- BAA!!!!
posted by salmacis at 2:17 AM on February 20, 2004

Q: What did the leper say to the whore?
A: Keep the tip!

Offensive one:(via Popbitch)

Q: What's the best thing about fucking twenty nine year olds?
A: There's twenty of them!
posted by Pericles at 2:38 AM on February 20, 2004

This one heard from an elderly Jewish cattle dealer while doing folklore research in the Maramures region of northern Romania:

God decides he wants a chosen people and goes, of course, to Transylvania to find them. On the road he meets a Hungarian. God says "Excuse me, I'm looking for a people to be my own chosen people. Would you Hungarians be interested?" The Hungarian says "It depends. What would we have to do?" God says "I've got these commandments, like do not steal, do not lie, don't blaspheme my name..." The Hungarian says "Don't blaspheme? If we can't blaspheme and curse your name then we can hardly speak Hungarian. No, not for me."

God then meets a Romanian peasant. Same spiel... "I need a chosen people, I have these commandments, thou shall not lie, though shall not kill, thou shall not steal..." The Romanian says "No stealing? How will I live"

God meets a Turk. "I need a chosen people..." But the Turk says "What is all this about no killing? I'm a Turk. How can I not kill people?"

Finally, God has almost despaired of ever finding his Chosen people when he meets a poor Jewish peddler walking down the road. God goes for one last try. "Excuse me, I am searching for a chosen people, all you have to do is follow these commandments, like I will be your only God, thou shall not lie..." suddenly the Jewish peddler cuts God off.

"Yeah yeah. Just tell me, these commandments - how much do they cost?"

God says "They cost nothing..."

The Jewish peddler says "Well, then, I'll take ten!"

Sounded better the first time in Yiddish...
posted by zaelic at 3:49 AM on February 20, 2004 [1 favorite]

Oh... I can't resist... one more...

Man walks into into a bar and orders a small beer. Bartender serves him the beer and sets a bowl of peanuts in front of him. So this guy is sipping his beer and suddenly he hear the bowl of peanuts talking to him. "Hey, look at you! You look fantastic! What a great tie! I'll bet the ladies fall all over you!"

The man jumps out of his seat, shocked. "I must be going crazy" he thinks, "I gotta calm down... I need a cigarette"

So he goes over to the cigarette machine and as he's dropping his coins in the machine starts talking to him "You stupid prick, it's people like you that make me sick, when was the last time you even had a date, you dumb wanker"

Even more shocked, the man goes to the bar and asks the bartender "Excuse me, but I haven't been drinking that much, right? I keep imagining that I am hearing voices from the peanuts and the cigarette machine"

And the bartender replies "I'm very sorry sir, I should have warned you. The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is completely out of order."
posted by zaelic at 4:27 AM on February 20, 2004

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 4:32 AM on February 20, 2004

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't you wonder how they got in there?
posted by sebas at 4:45 AM on February 20, 2004

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Hillary Clinton all die and go to heaven. Let's assume that they make it past St. Peter and get to see God.

God says to Bill, "You look familiar..."
Bill Clinton says "Hi I'm Bill Clinton and I used to be president of the USA."
God says "OK, you can sit to the left of me."
Al Gore says "Hi, I'm Al Gore and I used to be vice-president."
God says, "OK, you can sit to the right of me."
Hilllary says, "I'm Hillary Rodham Clinton, and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHAIR."
posted by PrinceValium at 5:19 AM on February 20, 2004

these are jokes i came up with to entertain my girlfriend. i hope they are not 1.) HORRIBLE, or 2.) old 'n busted

What would you call an Edgar Allen Poe story about a bunch of stolen kittens?
The Purr-loined Litter

What do you call a big box of mexican pickles?
Case of dill-as!
posted by lotsofno at 5:30 AM on February 20, 2004

I heard this one first on MeFi and it has killed every person I've told it to since...

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.
posted by vito90 at 6:09 AM on February 20, 2004 [2 favorites]

Offensive joke alert:

How do you get 50 dead babies into a bathtub?
A blender.

How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
posted by billybunny at 6:23 AM on February 20, 2004

Why don't blind people skydive?

It's really hard on the dogs.


A guy goes to the doctor because he finds that he has a green ring around the base of his penis. While he's waiting, he strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him, and it turns out that he's there because he has a red ring around the base of his penis.

The nurse calls the other guy's name, and he goes in. After five minutes, he comes out, walks over to the guy with the green ring, and says "Don't worry about it, it's nothing" with a big grin. Right then the nurse calls the first guy's name, and he goes in.

The doctor takes one look at the guy with the green ring, and says "I'm sorry, but I'll have to amputate your penis." The guy is shocked, and says "But I talked to a guy in the waiting room who had a red ring around the base of his penis, and he said it was no big deal."

The doctor replies "Son, there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene."


How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?



Guy dashes into a bar, orders twelve shots of whiskey, then starts slamming them down one after another.

Bartender says "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?"

"You'd be in a hurry, too, if you had what I have."

"So what do you have?"

"Fifty cents."


How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Oh, no, don't mind me, I'll just sit here in the dark."


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

posted by Vidiot at 6:24 AM on February 20, 2004

Punchlines only:

1) "How much without the acrobat?"

2) "That's an awfully big word for an eight-year-old."

3) "Sleepy fucked a pen-guin! Sleepy fucked a pen-guin!"
posted by staggernation at 6:25 AM on February 20, 2004

Ok, I made this up early one morning while half-asleep.

Q. What's big white and depressed?

A. A bi-polar bear!
posted by backOfYourMind at 7:11 AM on February 20, 2004

[Alright. As mentioned above, a lot depends on the delivery. For instance, I find it effective to slap the back of your left hand into your right palm on the first, fourth, and seventh syllables of "beats him to death with a club". It's also a good idea to shape your hands like you're holding a dozen bananas at the appropriate places. Results may vary. This joke was heard secondhand, originating from a physics professor. Consider yourself warned.]

So there's this train conductor who works a local commuter line. He goes about his business, maybe a little carelessly, not really caring much for the train's passengers. One morning, a certain passenger gets on. Now the conductor has hated this passenger for the longest time, and he decides that today he's going to do something about it. So he goes up to the passenger and beats him to death with a club.

There's no way he was going to get away with it, of course, in front of so many witnesses and all. He's arrested, and ends up in front of the judge, who sentences him to death. The method of execution in this particular part of the world is the good ol' electric chair. They take him down to the execution chamber and get him ready.

As convention demands, the executioner asks him, "Do you have a last request?".

The conductor thinks for a few minutes, and replies, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas." The executioner shrugs, gets him a dozen bananas, and watches him devour every last one. Once he's done, they sit him down in the chair, strap him in, put the little cap on his head, and flick the switch!

But nothing happens. And thanks to that old law that says you can't be executed twice for the same crime, they have to let him go. So he manages to get his old job back, and goes back to being a conductor on the train.

One morning, not too long afterwards, a certain passenger gets on the train. Now the conductor really hates this passenger's guts, and he decides to do something about it. So he goes up to the passenger and beats him to death with a club.

He gets arrested again, sentenced to death, and ends up in the execution chamber again. The executioner asks him, "Do you have a last request?".

The conductor thinks for a few seconds ,and replies, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas." The executioner nods, gets him a dozen bananas, and watches him devour every last one. Once he's done, though, they thoroughly soak him in water to make sure the electricity gets to him. Then they sit him down in the chair, strap him in, and put the little cap on his head, and flick the switch!

Nothing happens. So he goes back to his job as the train conductor.

One morning, not too long afterwards, a certain passenger gets on the train. Now the conductor really hates this passenger's guts—I mean, he really hates this guy. So he goes up to the passenger and beats him to death with a club.

Same thing happens. He gets arrested, sentenced to death, and ends up in the execution chamber again. The executioner asks him, "Do you have a last request?".

The conductor replies right away, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas." The executioner sighs, gets him a dozen bananas, and watches him devour every last one. Once he's done, though, not only do they thoroughly soak him in water, but they stick all sorts of needles into his skin, dress him in tin foil, anything to make sure the electricity gets to him. Then they sit him down in the chair, strap him in, and put the little cap on his head, and flick the switch!

Nothing happens. The executioner is bewildered, saying "I don't get it! I don't see how this is possible. Why can't you be electrocuted? Why won't you die?"

"Well," comes the reply, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
posted by DrJohnEvans at 7:29 AM on February 20, 2004

One day a pair of whales, Lucy and Fred, were swimming along when they came across their friend Ned, who looked terribly sad. They asked him what was wrong.

Ned said, "You see that boat up there? It killed my father."

Fred said, "That's terrible. But I know what we can do. We'll take deep breaths, swim under the boat, then exhale and upset the boat. And then we'll eat the sailors."

Ned thought this was a great idea, but Lucy said, "Fred, Fred, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times. I don't mind doing blowjobs, but there's no way I'm swallowing any seaman."
posted by orange swan at 7:47 AM on February 20, 2004 [1 favorite]

I saw this on slashdot last week:

Superman is flying around one night, and spies Wonder Woman sleeping through her open window. Well, Superman has Super-speed, so he figures he can be "in and out" before anyone's the wiser. So, he zips in, does his business really fast, and takes off.

Shortly after, Wonder Woman sits up and asks "what the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man, lying next to her, sits up and says "I don't know, but damn, does my ass ever hurt."
posted by crumbly at 7:58 AM on February 20, 2004

Here was my contribution to That old thread that Anastasiav mentioned earlier.. Even though I have told this joke so many times that half the world knows it already, it's still damn funny to me.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I can't seem to get her started. Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, in the swing."
posted by bradth27 at 8:11 AM on February 20, 2004

Two statisticians go deer hunting.
Out in the woods they see a buck, and they both take a shot.
The first one's shot went 10 yards in front of the buck, the second one's shot went 10 yards behind.
They both reported a direct hit.
posted by Goofyy at 8:57 AM on February 20, 2004

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One was a Goodyear, and the other was a really good year.
posted by orange swan at 9:16 AM on February 20, 2004

"That's an awfully big word for an eight-year-old."
That one is hysterical, stagger : >

Here's one: A traveling salesman stops at a farmhouse and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says, "Ok, but you have to share the room with my daughter." The salesman gets all excited, and runs up to the daughter's room. He enters the room, sees another salesman in bed with the daughter, and shouts out, "Oh my god! I'm in the wrong joke!"

And another:
What were George W Bush's 3 hardest years?
Second Grade.
posted by amberglow at 9:23 AM on February 20, 2004

oo, one more:

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?
Because they're all Targets.
posted by amberglow at 9:24 AM on February 20, 2004

You have to be above a certain age to "get" this joke (it uses a tagline from a TV commercial):

Q: What do monsters eat?

A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink?

A: Coke.

...because Things go better with Coke.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:28 AM on February 20, 2004

Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the hell is a pinata?"
posted by scottymac at 9:42 AM on February 20, 2004

How do you tell a rectal thermometer from an oral one?
posted by Goofyy at 9:52 AM on February 20, 2004

Dog limps into a saloon. Scans the surly cowpokes bellied up to the bar and says ( done in your best western drawl) "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

Bazooka Joe Corner: Q: Why were 4, 5, and 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 789.

A joke I made-up myself at sixth grade camp: What did one yucca plant say to the other yucca plant? Stop beating around the bush and get to the point.

Already at age 11, I knew that the word "cactus" is not nearly as funny as "yucca."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:54 AM on February 20, 2004

A man came home and found his wife lying naked in a very messed up bed. He glared at her and said, "So where is he?"

His wife said, "Oh honey, it's not what you think. I was just having a nap."

This husband shouted, "You were cheating on me and I'm going to find the guy." He searched the entire apartment and found no one. He stepped out on his balcony and saw a guy getting into his convertible in the parking lot below. The husband went back into the apartment, dragged the fridge out onto the balcony, and heaved it over the railing. Then he had a heart attack and died.

Change of scene to that old joke standby - the Pearly Gates, with a number of people waiting to get in. St. Peter asked the first man to step up and asked him, "How did you die?"

The first man said, "I was moving my fridge out of my apartment, minding my own business, and I died."

St. Peter waved him into heaven and asked the next man how he died.

The second man said, "I was getting into my car, minding my own business, when this psycho threw a fridge at me and I died."

St. Peter told him he could go into heaven, and asked the third man how he died.

The third man said, "I was sitting in this fridge, minding my own business..."
posted by orange swan at 9:57 AM on February 20, 2004

Warning: This is the filthiest joke I know:

A newly licensed mortician finds a job in a small-town funeral home. Very little happens in this town, so the boss decides to take the weekend off to go fishing.

As it turns out, there's an accident on the highway outside of town, and a beautiful young woman is killed.

She is brought to the funeral home, and, to prove his mettle, the young mortician decides not to call his boss in from his fishing trip, and handles the girl himself.

When the boss comes back on Monday morning, he says, "I heard there was an accident, did we get any business?"

"Yup," the young mortician says, "but I took care of it. You want to look her over?" The boss says, "Sure," and, proudly, the young mortician shows his work.

After a minute or two the boss says, "Well, it looks like you did a thorough job. I'm sure the family will be vey pleased."

The young moritcian smiles. "Thanks," he says, "I appreciate it. But there is one thing I'd like to ask you about."

"Sure," says the boss, "what is it?"

"Well, I know it sounds strange, but she must have been eating when she crashed. I found a shrimp lodged between her legs and I couldn't get it out."

The boss is confused, "A shrimp? I think you'd better show me."

So the young mortician lifts the young woman's dress and shows the shrimp to his boss.

"Ohhhh," says the boss, now smiling, "that's not a shrimp -- it's her clitoris."

"Her clitoris?" The young man is confused, so the boss explains briefly, and the young man smiles.

"Ah, now I understand," he says as he pulls the woman's dress down. "It sure tasted like shrimp, though."
posted by o2b at 10:59 AM on February 20, 2004

Just the punchlines:

"Damn! Is it midnight already?"
"Of course, he was arrested for rustling"
"Bangor? I hardly know her!"
"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:50 AM on February 20, 2004

o2b: oh, oh dear.

What's a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

What's a man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves?

What do you call Two guys with no arms and no legs sitting next to a window?
Curt and Rod.

How many Reed College (or insert local private liberal arts college) students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they just put it in the socket and let the world revolve around them.

How many Gutter-punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Gutter-punks don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in their own vomit.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What, like, you don't already know?

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies don't change burnouts, they follow them around for 25 years.

How many hippies can you fit into a VW bus?
Two more and a dog, bra.

How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it in some work boots.

Why did the hippie move to Eugene, Oregon?
He heard there was no work there.

How do you know Santa Claus is a hippie?
He's got long hair and a beard, never changes his clothes and only works one day a year.

How do you save a hippies life?
Take your foot off his neck.

What do you call a busload of hippies, on fire, going over a cliff with two vacant seats?
A waste of space.

How do you kill rocks?
Put them in a burlap sack with some kittens.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:05 PM on February 20, 2004

A man will inherit a million dollars if he can use up a trainload of bricks building things. He builds a brick house, a brick wall, a brick garage, a brick storage shed, he bricks in the entire yard, he builds brick statues, he completely exhausts his imagination and still has one brick left.

The deadline for his inheritance is approaching, so he does the only thing he can think of: he rents a big dump truck, puts the last brick in the back, and drives the truck over a cliff, jumping out at the last minute. As the truck falls down the cliff, he looks over the edge and whispers, "Radio".
posted by joaquim at 12:05 PM on February 20, 2004

A man gets onto a train and takes a seat in a semi-private berth. Just before the train pulls out of the station, a very large woman carrying a small dog takes the other seat.

After a few minutes, the man lights up a cigar and proceeds to fill the berth with fumes. The woman takes exception to this and tells him to put out the cigar. Her dog, sensing the tension, begins yapping, which only infuriates the man.

The argument escalates until the man opens a window, grabs the dog, and throws it off the train. The woman retaliates by ripping the cigar from the man's mouth and throwing it out the window, too. They are just about to come to blows when the conductor separates them and puts them both off the train a the next station.

They are standing on the platform, still arguing, when the dog comes running up to them. Guess what the dog has in its mouth?

The brick from my last joke.

(This is more effective with different people telling the two jokes.)
posted by joaquim at 12:12 PM on February 20, 2004

How many members of Pearl Jam does it take to change a light bulb?

Fuck you, man, Pearl Jam ain't gonna change for NOBODY.
posted by COBRA! at 12:13 PM on February 20, 2004 [2 favorites]

So I went into a bank the other day, and walked up to the "New Accounts" desk, and sat down. The lady there said hello and asked how she could help me.

"I would like to open a fucking checking account." I said.

"Excuse me?" she blinked.

"You heard me," I said. "I would like to open a fucking checking account."

"I'm sorry sir, is there a problem?"

"There is no fucking problem," I said. "I would like to open a fucking checking account right fucking now."

"Sir, you're going to have to excuse me for a moment."

At this point, she got up and walked behind the row of teller windows, and got her manager. I could see her pointing over at me and talking with him in a whisper. He looked suspiciously in my direction, and finally the two of them came back over to me.

"Hi, I'm the manager of this branch," he said. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"I just won 25 million fucking dollars in the fucking lottery and I would like to open a fucking checking account," I told him.

He pointed to the New Accounts lady.

"And this bitch is giving you a problem?"
posted by scarabic at 12:16 PM on February 20, 2004

It's not a joke, but I do so love the limerick, and I wrote this one in 8th grade:

There once was a couple from Bel Air,
who enjoyed making love on the stair,
on the 43rd stroke,
the old banister broke,
so they finished it off in midair.
posted by WolfDaddy at 12:30 PM on February 20, 2004

Ok, that bank joke is a little misogynist, but the following is my absolute worst.
*be warned*
Q: How can you tell when your little sister is on her period?
A: Your dad's dick tastes funny.
posted by scarabic at 12:37 PM on February 20, 2004

Response by poster: I suppose I could have asked, "does anyone know any funny jokes that aren't tasteless?"

There are some great jokes in the above list, however. Thanks!
posted by mecran01 at 1:25 PM on February 20, 2004

there's no accounting for tastelessness ;)
posted by scarabic at 1:49 PM on February 20, 2004

So there's these two fish in a tank, and one says to the other, "Hey, you know how to drive this thing?"
posted by duckstab at 1:53 PM on February 20, 2004

Orange Swan, I'm not sure who, but someone made a music video or a short movie of that joke.

I make up bad jokes, such as:

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Buck an ear.

What did Patrick Henry declare upon entering the whorehouse?
Give me Libby or give me Beth!

What do you call a pimp from Indiana?
Hoosier daddy?
posted by me3dia at 1:53 PM on February 20, 2004

topical funny heard via fimoculous:

You think that Dr Atkins guy lost 21 grams when he died?
posted by elphTeq at 2:14 PM on February 20, 2004

As told to me by my high school Am. Lit. teacher...

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Ogden Nash are dead. At the gates of heaven, they are each asked by St Peter why each deserves entry into heaven.

They respond: We're poets!
St Peter: Poets, eh? Well, if you were good poets, I will admit you into heaven. To prove your worth, I will give each of you a word which you need to rhyme in a poem. If your poem is good, I will let you in.
Poets: OK.
St Peter: Henry, you're first. Your word is "Timbuktu".
Henry: (Scratches head.) Well, that is difficult but I can do this. Here is my poem:

I went for a cruise one summer day,
when much to my dismay.
We came to storm which was not due,
on a cruise headed to Timbuktu.

St Peter: Fantastic! Clearly you are a great poet. Come on in!
Ogden: (Thinking this has to be easy, there can be no harder word to work with than Timbuktu.)
St Peter: Okay, Ogden. It is your turn. Your word is... Timbuktu.
Ogden: (Son of a bitch! I can not believe he gave me the same word. He puzzles...) Okay, I am ready. Here is my poem:

Tim and I for a walk we went,
we spied three chicks, a-lyin' in a tent.
They were three and we but two,
so I bucked one and Tim bucked two.
posted by Dick Paris at 2:28 PM on February 20, 2004

Why did Hemmingway cross the road?
To die. In the rain.
posted by elwoodwiles at 3:24 PM on February 20, 2004 [1 favorite]

elwood : >
posted by amberglow at 3:29 PM on February 20, 2004

A professor is studying porpoises for years, examining their mating habits. He discovers that they get very excited when around mynah birds. So, he studies for years on the effect of having mynah birds around porpoises.

Then, disaster strikes. The mynahs die. The porpoises are depressed and refuse to mate. The problem is that mynahs are protected and can no longer be exported from their native land. So, the professor heads up an expedition to gather up some mynahs to bring back for his studies.

After days of walking, his expedition falters when the group comes to a state animal preserve. The guide tells the professor that the bearers cannot go further since it is state land. So, the professor has to go on alone. Luckily, he doesn't have to go far when he spies several mynah birds.

Unfortunately, right in front of the birds are two huge lions. However, they are both sound asleep. He decides to chance it and quietly walks past them and gathers up several birds.

As he leaves, he walks past the sleeping lions, but, is immediately arrested. Why, you might ask? Well, because he was crossing state lions with mynahs for immoral porpoises.
posted by Jeanne at 4:01 PM on February 20, 2004

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done.


A set of jumpercables walked into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says: well, okay, but don't start anything.
posted by konolia at 4:18 PM on February 20, 2004

Halloween night. A kid comes to the door dressed as a pirate. The man who answers the door says "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says "A pirate". The man says "Yeah? Where are your buccaneers?" The kid says "Under my buccan' hat".

Variation on konolia's joke: A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order beers. The bartender refuses to serve them, so the brain asks why. The bartender says to the brain "Because you're out of your head and your friend looks like he's about to start something".
posted by biscotti at 4:42 PM on February 20, 2004

A proton* walks into a bar and orders a tequila.

The bartender says, "You sure, mac?"

And the proton replies, "I'm positive."

*works equally well with cations!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:43 PM on February 20, 2004

A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a tequila.

The bartender slaps it down and says, "For you, no charge!"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:44 PM on February 20, 2004

A letter carrier was doing his last route after 40 years on the job. Everyone in the neighbourhood was very fond of him, so as he went from house to house he was greeted warmly and presented with tokens of appreciation such as a wallet, a watch, a bottle of cognac, etc. But at one house he was greeted by a beautiful woman in a negligee, who smiled at him and said, "Come upstairs with me." He did so, and she led him to her bedroom where they had the best sex of his life. After they were done, she led him back downstairs to the dining room, where there was a delicious breakfast ready for him. She invited him to sit down and eat, and so he did, but he was mystified by the dollar he found sitting by his plate. He said, "What's this for?"

The woman smiled at him and said, "Oh, that's for you. Last night when I told my husband that you were retiring and asked him what I should give you, he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
posted by orange swan at 7:18 PM on February 20, 2004

A man takes his wife to the doctor.
"Doctor, my wife is very sick. What's wrong with her?"
The doctor runs a battery of tests, and then asks the receptionist to bring the man back to his office for a chat.
"Sir, we've done every test imaginable on your wife, and unfortunately we can't be precisely sure what's wrong with her."
"Well, doctor," the man says, "what do you think it could be?"
The doctor looks over his notes for a minute, then says, "Your wife either has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's disease."
The woman's husband is shocked. "What can I do?" he asks.
"Here's what I'd do if I were you. Pack a picnic lunch and take her for a drive into the mountains. After you finish your lunch together, run and get back in your car and drive home without her."
The man is confused by the advice. "And then what?"
"If she comes home, don't fuck her."
posted by emelenjr at 8:06 PM on February 20, 2004

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender scowls at him and mutters "We don't serve your kind here, pal."

The string, perturbed, walks into the nearest bathroom, ties himself in a loop and messes up his hair. Satisfied with his reflection in the mirror, he returns to the bar and again requests a beer.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously for a moment and asks, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was in here just a minute ago?"

"No, sir" says the string. "I'm a frayed knot."
posted by Danelope at 11:06 PM on February 20, 2004

Q: How can you tell when your little sister is on her period?
A: Your dad's dick tastes funny

This was a poor variant of the joke I heard. You can substitute the state for any one you like.

Q: How does a West Virginian mother know when her daughter's having her period?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny
posted by CoolHandPuke at 5:14 AM on February 21, 2004

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand is on the little hand.
posted by emelenjr at 6:34 AM on February 21, 2004

Q. Whaddaya say to a woman with two black eyes.
A. Nothing. You told her twice already.
posted by seanyboy at 7:20 AM on February 21, 2004

Response by poster: Someone please freeze this thread. I've let the humor cthulu out of the box... [weep]
posted by mecran01 at 12:03 PM on February 21, 2004

posted by orange swan at 10:18 AM on February 22, 2004

An American man had a medical problem but no medical insurance, and was wondering what he could possibly do. A friend of his told him to go to his neighbourhood drugstore, that they had a wonderful new machine there that diagnosed anything from urine samples.

So, the man went to the drugstore with his sample, put the sample in the machine, and the machine spit out a piece of paper, which said, "YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW," and provided instructions for care of his elbow. The man followed the directions, and his tennis elbow improved dramatically. But he wondered just how accurate this machine was, and decided to give it a real test.

He put some of his urine in a beaker. He got his wife to give him some of hers and put that in too. Then he got some of his dog's urine and added that. Then for good measure he masturbated into the beaker and stirred the whole thing together. He went to the drugstore and poured the mixture into the machine.

The machine whirred and banged and flashed lights for five minutes straight and he thought he'd broken it. But then after five minutes it spit out a diagnosis.

The diagnosis read:



posted by orange swan at 11:37 AM on February 24, 2004

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