Short jokes
February 8, 2007 6:05 AM   Subscribe

My wife is working very difficult and stressful night shifts for the next few weeks. To help her keep from becoming emotionally overwhelmed, I like to send her jokes to her text pager. It's quickly become hard to find quality jokes that are short enough, though. Little help?

I like to try to keep them under roughly 80 characters, but that's a fuzzy limit. Medical or science related jokes get extra points, but are by no means required. Puns are okay (but not necessarily groaners).
posted by Plutor to Grab Bag (57 answers total) 124 users marked this as a favorite
how do you titillate an ocelot?

oscillate its tit a lot!
posted by sergeant sandwich at 6:08 AM on February 8, 2007 [8 favorites]

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted.

To keep them short, can you just send her the punch lines to jokes you both already know far too well? Sometimes that can be funnier. (Two fifty, same as in town.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:11 AM on February 8, 2007

Seconding the punch lines.

"Put it on my bill"

"The Aristocrats!"

"Why the long face?"

*joke not included
posted by unSane at 6:18 AM on February 8, 2007

All the mefi-spouses-of-interns will appreciate this.

Last weekend's Prairie Home Companion had a ton of bad jokes.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 6:19 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

A sausage is sitting in a frying pan. Another sausage gets dropped in, and says 'holy crap, it's hot in here!' To which the first sausage replies 'holy crap, a talking sausage!'
posted by chlorus at 6:25 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thirding the punch lines!

"nope, I'm a frayed knot"
posted by necessitas at 6:26 AM on February 8, 2007

A stick!
posted by unSane at 6:32 AM on February 8, 2007

Yes. unSane's answer is the punchline to my favorite joke: "What's brown and sticky?"
posted by MsMolly at 6:54 AM on February 8, 2007

What did the sushi say to the bee?

(all in the delivery)

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

(pause...follow with:)

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where ever you left it.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:01 AM on February 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

Series jokes:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

Q: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

(part 2) - The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist - Hey, where's my change?
Vendor - Change must come from within.
posted by marginaliana at 7:09 AM on February 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

"If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder."


What kind of bee gives milk?

A booby!
posted by gfrobe at 7:17 AM on February 8, 2007

Poo jokes:

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

And my favorite from the aforementioned recent Prarie Home Companion joke show:

Have you heard about that new movie Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
posted by stefnet at 7:18 AM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

What's a foot long and slippery?

A slipper!
posted by inigo2 at 7:21 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Previous posts might help.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 7:26 AM on February 8, 2007

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

posted by Ostara at 7:41 AM on February 8, 2007

Who's the patron saint of email?

St Francis of a cc
posted by bonaldi at 7:44 AM on February 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

Two silk worms were in a race.

It ended in a tie.
posted by bibbit at 7:57 AM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

Its rated ARRRRR.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:57 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fun stuff from Sorabji:
This is the Punchline Server.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 8:11 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway. Cop stops him and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
posted by allterrainbrain at 8:22 AM on February 8, 2007 [6 favorites]

More of a silly brainteaser than a joke, but excellent for text:

- C M puppies?
- M R not puppies!
- S M R! C M P N?
- L I B! M R puppies!
posted by Lyn Never at 8:39 AM on February 8, 2007

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.
posted by elvissa at 8:51 AM on February 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is great. My husband and I have different work and sleep schedules that lately have become diametrically opposed. I'm definitely keeping this thread as a reference.

I'll add a joke or two to make this answer more helpful.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

Followup: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

And, my personal favorite:

Why did the frog cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:27 AM on February 8, 2007

Q: If you're an American when you're out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European.
posted by marginaliana at 9:31 AM on February 8, 2007

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
posted by yesno at 9:34 AM on February 8, 2007

Math joke:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?

Elephant banana sine theta.
posted by solotoro at 9:40 AM on February 8, 2007

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" always mean the exact same thing...unless you're at a funeral. -Demetri Martin
posted by ColdChef at 9:44 AM on February 8, 2007 [11 favorites]

Two atoms are in a bar. One says, "I think I lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."
posted by ColdChef at 9:46 AM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

What did the rat say when it saw the bat?

"Look! An angel!"
posted by Karlos the Jackal at 9:52 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"


Why did they bury the Indian on the hill?

Because he was dead.


Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says, "Does it feel hot in here to you?" The other one says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"


(...and a few German jokes)

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic that neglects his family.


Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?

Because she was depressed.
posted by Shecky at 10:26 AM on February 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

So this baby seal walks into a club........
posted by kaizen at 10:30 AM on February 8, 2007

What did the girl fungus say to the boy fungus?

You're a real fun guy.
posted by Brian James at 10:32 AM on February 8, 2007

Like Lyn Never's:

M R Ducks
M R Not Ducks
O S A R ! C M E D B D Eyes?
L I B ! M R Ducks!
posted by Wink Ricketts at 10:47 AM on February 8, 2007

Q: How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

A: Quite Satisfying!

posted by priested at 10:48 AM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

posted by booksherpa at 11:00 AM on February 8, 2007 [6 favorites]

What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork Chop

Do you know why you'll never starve to death in the desert?
Because of the sandwhiches there.
posted by mattbucher at 11:17 AM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

God, there are so many good ones. Giving out so many best answers makes me feel dirty.
posted by Plutor at 11:37 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

You can always send series throughout the day:


What's a pirate's favorite sock?

Where do pirates come from?

How does an Italian pirate say goodbye?

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Arrrr! (says everyone)
No! P. (pause for confusion) cause it looks like Arrr, but it be missin' a leg!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call the guy who hangs out on your porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.

What do you call a guy who lets everyone walk all over him?

What do you call the swimmer with no legs?

posted by hippugeek at 12:02 PM on February 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

Oh, and

What's yellow, smooth, and deadly?
Shark-infested custard.

(I once told that joke as "What's yellow, smooth, and shark-infested?" ... "Custard!")
posted by hippugeek at 12:04 PM on February 8, 2007 [6 favorites]

In the interest of the favoriters, here are a couple I remember sending her:

How does a pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance.

A man on the street, dressed only in saran wrap, was brought to the psych ward. The doctor came in to see him, looked down, and said, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
posted by Plutor at 12:11 PM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Two drums and a symbol fall of a cliff.

posted by Kudos at 12:15 PM on February 8, 2007 [7 favorites]

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt.
posted by comatose at 12:46 PM on February 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one asks the other "does this taste funny to you?"
posted by SMELLSLIKEFUN at 2:16 PM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

A man walks into a bar...says "ouch".


Man #1: "My wife and I never had sex before we were married. How about you?"
Man #2: "Dunno. What was her maiden name?"


What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
posted by Gamblor at 3:33 PM on February 8, 2007

My dad often told this joke when I was little:

Dad: Have you heard the one about the three eggs?

Me: (yes or no, not that it matters)

Dad: too bad!
posted by mysterpigg at 4:57 PM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

what does snoop dog use to keep his socks white?


What does snoop dog put on his salad?

Bacon Biiaaats.
posted by bigdave at 7:21 PM on February 8, 2007

Why do all farmers have the same sized balls?

So they can haul each other's trailers.
posted by Foam Pants at 9:53 PM on February 8, 2007

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink here, anyways?"

"For you, no charge."

Hmm, here's a case where "Please limit comments to answers or help in finding an answer. Wisecracks don't help people find answers" is just plain wrong.
posted by lostburner at 3:32 AM on February 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?



What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
posted by allkindsoftime at 10:15 AM on February 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?
posted by purplefiber at 11:40 PM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

what do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?

swimming trunks!
posted by thisisnotkatrina at 12:50 AM on February 14, 2007

No soap, radio!!
posted by inigo2 at 11:03 AM on February 15, 2007

What's red and green and goes a thousand miles an hour?

Frog in a blender.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

She answered the iron.

How'd she burn her other ear?

They called back.

Why was her leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

Why can't Helen Keller ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

And on punchlines— "Would I? Would I?" "Hairlip! Hairlip!" never fails to get a laugh around here.
posted by klangklangston at 5:03 PM on February 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

"News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message";

"The longest sentence known to man: 'I do.'";

"This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog.";

"ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.";

"Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?";

"Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!";

"What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?";

"I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.";

"Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.";

"Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.";

"Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'";

"What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!";

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.";

"WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!";

"Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.";

"Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!";

"Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.";

"How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.";

"Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.";

"I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?";

"There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.";

"Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back";

"Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.";

"What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant";

"Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any.";

"What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.";

"What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.";

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.";

"Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring and sufferin";

"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. ";

"If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?";

"Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. ";
posted by fambizzari at 2:28 AM on April 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Hopefully you have a facebook account so you can see this group, but if not, I'll post some examples.

They're not jokes so much as god-awful science pick-up lines that are funny for how bad they are.

If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Baby, you must be a start codon because you are turnin' me on.

You must be a dividing cell, cause damn, that's some nice cleavage.

There's also some non-pickup-lines...

Why did the bear dissolve in water?
Because it was polar

What is a cation afraid of?
A dogion

It has been recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Johnny was a chemist
But Johnny is no more
What Johnny thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Why was the amoeba sad?
It couldn't get any actin.

An Oxygen atom walks up to a club and tries to get in.
The usher says, sorry, no elements under 18.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association

Schroedinger and Heisenberg are driving in a car, and they hit a cat.
Schroedinger says, "Is it dead?"
Heisenberg says, "I can't be certain."

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A one molar solution.

Eat yogurt, get cultured.

I'm like osteoporosis. I'm bad to the bone.

I must be RNA, because I'm not gonna be complete without u.

Old chemistry teachers never die. They just fail to react.

Did you hear the one about the chemist who worked with acid?
He got absorbed in his work.

Did you hear about the couple of Biologists who had a pair of twins?
They baptized one, and kept the other as a control.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:43 AM on November 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

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