Therapists and boundaries.

March 3, 2008 6:05 PM

Should I go back to my old therapist? My overall experience was good, but I have some questions about boundaries.

A few years ago, I went to therapy for a while, had a good rapport with the therapist, and made progress on the things that were going on at the time. Therapy really helped me through a few concurrent crises, and I'm glad I did it. I want a tuneup now, and I have some hesitations about seeing the same person again. I'm not sure if the hesitations outweigh my desire to avoid re-explaining a lot of background to a new therapist.

My former therapist sometimes revealed personal information, including parenting experiences and relationship experiences. Mostly, not anything more private than what you might talk to another parent in your community about. I can be a very resistant client, and I feel more comfortable talking to someone who understands at least some of my stresses from personal experience. So it might have been necessary or useful in context. But if I remember correctly most of this happened after I'd developed enough trust to really open up.

Another thing - once I was out of crisis mode, it sometimes felt more like a (very small, and necessarily one-sided!) support group. Which is fine, but not at $$ an hour. And though it felt OK at the time, in hindsight some of the disclosure seems a little too much.

This is the only individual therapist I've had. (I did shop around and talk to about five different therapists on the phone, and went with the one I felt the best about.) I have seen a different couples counselor who is a very warm and supportive person, and nevertheless any time an opening for disclosure might come up, the session moves on smoothly, without going there. This strikes me as a more 'normal' therapist/client relationship. Or am I off-base? MeFi therapists and therapy-goers, what kinds of professional boundaries do you expect?

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

Your therapist revealed his/her personal information to you, or revealed your personal information to others?

If it's the former, who cares? If it's the latter, then that's over the line; get another therapist.

I wouldn't worry much about the time you'd lose in having to re-explain your background to a new therapist. That could just as well be balanced out by the value of getting a fresh perspective.

BTW, this question would possibly get better answers if it were clearer and gave specific examples. If there's some way you can relay this information to someone (I know you can't post directly since you're anonymous), I would do so.
posted by jejune at 6:15 PM on March 3, 2008

Ditto what jejune said -- I'm having a very hard time following who was doing the possibly-inappropriate disclosing, and in what way it felt like a "support group."

Without knowing more about your particular situation, I can say that I personally would not feel comfortable with a therapist, especially in a couples counseling setting, who did not seem to be able to identify with my situation. I would probably subconsciously worry that I was being judged, or that my issues seemed silly and petulant (as interpersonal relationship issues are wont to be anyway).

Additionally, when my spouse and I were regularly doing the couples counseling thing, I noticed that our doc had an uncanny knack for knowing just when a bit of, "You know, sometimes my wife and I argue about housework too, for us it's [blah], and sometimes I know I'm behaving badly, but don't feel like changing it" or something like that, works wonders. It's a technique he uses to then get us to reveal something, in turn. I'm sure there's a technical name for it, but it's basically a psychologist's form of "I'll show you mine, now you show me yours."

Could this be what's happening, only you don't realize the therapeutic value in the moment? Even if you'd "developed enough trust to really open up" overall at that point, doesn't mean that he/she couldn't have assessed a particular place where you needed a bit more "we're in this together, I understand your problem."

My armchair drive-by diagnosis would be "you are over-analyzing this." You already admitted that you had a good rapport with and experienced success through crisis with this particular caregiver. Don't be quick to dismiss that -- good therapeutic relationships don't grow on trees.

But if you think this counselor's "over-share" tendency would irk you to the point of hindering your progress, you should certainly follow that instinct.

What you should feel comfortable doing, for sure, is asking the therapist about the technique. "I was hesitant to return to see you because I was concerned... you seem to reveal a lot to me about your personal life when we are in session, and I'm wondering if that's because you think I don't open up enough and you need to draw me out, or what. It makes me feel like I might not be making best use of your time, so I'm just wondering if we can find a way around it." There are ways to convey, "This behavior makes me feel funny," without conveying, "...and also, I think you're a shite therapist."

Something else to consider is that maybe it's not coincidental. Maybe this therapist has identified a tendency in you to not be sympathetic or a good listener toward others, or to be self-absorbed to a destructive point. I don't mean to suggest that you're a bad person... but just that, for all you know, there is an even deeper therapeutic purpose to his/her disclosures. Ask, and learn. But I would give that therapist the benefit of the doubt, anyway... especially when they've got your history and have already produced good results once.
posted by pineapple at 6:37 PM on March 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Go with your gut. Only you know the relevancy and usefulness of your past therapist's disclosures. There are concrete boundaries and then there are the boundaries that are different for each patient/therapist. The fact that you weren't/aren't comfortable with the disclosures means you should think about seeing someone else. On the other hand, if you already have a working relationship with your ex-therapist maybe talk to him/her about your issues with disclosure. And then your course of action would depend on the therapists reaction to your feelings.

But, honestly, there are a lot of therapists out there and this would be a good time to see if you can find someone who clicks with you a little bit better.
posted by hulahulagirl at 6:41 PM on March 3, 2008

If I understand you, once you began opening up to your therapist, they also began telling you about troubles in their own life. You began to feel like your appointments were also about them and their struggles, not just about you.

If that's the case and you still want to see this person, you might want to tell them that you appreciate the motivation behind their sharing (putting a good light on what might actually have been self-indulgent on their part) but that you'd like to focus more intensely on issue X in your own life. Then see how they react.

If I were you, I'd probably try a different therapist. I've seen a few therapists for short times. By far the most effective was the one who said almost nothing about her life and focused relentlessly on mine. She was a cognitive-behavioral therapist, so it might have been the technique, but I felt confident that she was a professional and had her own life together, so I could therefore entrust her with mine.
posted by PatoPata at 7:18 PM on March 3, 2008

I also found your question unclear so: if they shared your story with others and did not have your permission, drop them.

If they shared some of their life with you: so? Therapy is conversation and it's not uncommon to learn a bit about your therapist in the course of treatment. In general if they do something you don't like, bring that up in therapy. How they react to that criticism will be more important than the actual faux pas (if any). Much like politicians, it isn't the scandal that matters, it's how the scandal is handled.

I don't advise going with your gut and running, at least not for one thing that makes you uncomfortable. Therapy should have some discomfort involved and how you and your therapist work on it is important.

There are bad therapists out there but telling you they had a bad marriage or rough childhood isn't one of the signs.
posted by chairface at 9:51 PM on March 3, 2008

My therapist used personal stories to illustrate things all the time.
posted by rhizome at 1:14 AM on March 4, 2008

Follow-up from the OP

In my efforts to over-anonymize by scrubbing out gendered pronouns,
I've asked a confusing question! The therapist was disclosing their
personal information to me, not mine to others. Examples: Describing a
few difficult interactions with her child. Relating some of her
struggles while growing up in a different country. The ones that seem
too much in retrospect are: Mentioning her breakup while it was in
process, and afterward when I came back after a few months off.
Telling me I was cute, in the context of me being convinced I was
unattractive and would never date again. (I didn't feel any weird
overtones at the time, but our genders and orientations do line up, if
that makes a difference.) And while talking about libido and
sexuality, she alluded to the idea that some people seem to be better
lovers than others by referring to her own relationship history. No
details, just that her experiences with one person were much more
intense than with others.

posted by jessamyn at 6:09 AM on March 4, 2008

Just to add one thing based on your update... I had a therapist who I talked to about issues with socializing. She told me: "Look, I like you as a person. It would be my responsibility to tell you if you were doing something offputting that would interfere with socializing -- you're not." I really think that if you had expressed feelings of being so unattractive you couldn't date, then she was just doing the same thing: "Look, you're an attractive person, so that's not something you should be worrying about." I would only find it inappropriate if she had a really salacious tone of voice ("You're cuuute!").

So I'm inclined to agree with chairface. OTOH, you do need to have some basic level of comfort with your therapist, so no one could blame you for choosing someone else who you feel more comfortable with.
posted by jejune at 6:42 AM on March 4, 2008

My therapist does this often, and it's always to help illustrate a point or to help me see that my hangups are normal. In fact, I often suspect that she's making up the things she tells me in these situations... but I understand and value what she's trying to do even if that is the case.
posted by Ruby Doomsday at 7:59 AM on March 4, 2008

I will second everyone else in that a shrink mentioning personal stuff in their life that relates to yours is perfectly fine and dandy. Doesn't sound like yours is doing anything inappropriate.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:00 PM on March 4, 2008