HELP ME FIND BOUNDARIES
September 9, 2012 2:48 AM Subscribe
Help me find boundaries, again (sorry)--this time with updated boyfriend and cast of characters! The long and short of it is that my ex is coming back to stay with my family in a couple days after I kicked him out, and my aunt who I live with says this is okay, and my cousin lives in my room now, and I need to move out. And I'm broke.
posted by athenadanae to Human Relations (17 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Hey everyone, I'm back again, and in a bind.
I just got home from my crappy job at Subway at 2 in the morning. We close at 10 but I stayed late to pick up after people who don’t at all do their jobs. I also wasn’t scheduled any help at all during my shift because we are very understaffed and management is totally delusional. I am one of the only people left who haven’t already quit because of school.
I got home to find my 18-year-old cousin, who is currently homeless and who sleeps in my room (which I pay for) in my bed with me, asleep in the arms of her homeless weed-dealing “friend” who is crashing with us on the couch. At least she won’t be sleeping in my room in my bed tonight.
My ex-boyfriend (who I broke up with and kicked out because he never helped me pay rent and would sit on his ass getting really high and watching movies all day) is coming back ‘home’ in a couple days. I don’t really know why my aunt, who rents me the room, is letting him come back here, but she is. She seems to like him more than me a lot of the time. She says she might put a mattress upstairs for him.
My aunt is barely speaking to me because I accidentally showed her a text I sent the ex telling him I was moving out because I couldn’t live with my aunt anymore because of her depression’s effect on me. Sometimes I feel like I am just an emotional sponge. The fact that he never did anything and claimed to care about me without ever supporting me in any real way was pretty hard on me too. Anyway, I accidentally showed her the text while venting to her about my ex, she got up, shouted at me, threw something, said the only people that hadn’t let her down were my cousin (her daughter) and the cat, and left. I’ve apologized tearfully a few times now and asked for her support back and all she has said is that she can’t trust me anymore and not to get upset.
The ex is coming back from spending six weeks in Colorado growing weed (legally, if it matters) with my aunt’s boyfriend. He invited my ex out there because he was concerned for my ex when we heard we broke up.
While he was gone, my ex sent me pages and pages of Facebook messages alternately pleading with me to stay with him because he’d ‘changed,’ blaming me for not giving him a second chance to find a job after I’d allowed him to stay here rent-free for months, and notifying me he was moving to Colorado forever or even to China to teach little kids English. I wonder how he’d react if he knew how my cousin was the one sleeping in that bed with me instead of him while he was gone.
I found out after we broke up that he was sexually abused as a child, repeatedly, by a friend of his parents’. I also found out that he had lost about a year of his life to heroin, which ended shortly before we started dating (it started as FWB and I caved in—I know, I’m an idiot). Both things he had never told me while we were dating. This makes me feel extra-bad because we sorta got back together for like a day, and had sex. Then we both stepped back and got mad at each other again and re-broke-up, except now he thinks I used him for sex during that day, and now I understand why it's an issue for him.
I feel so helpless. I can’t even begin to assert boundaries here. I feel like I can’t do anything at all.
My ray of hope in the distance is that school starts on the twenty-fourth. I am desperately searching for an apartment with my friend now so that I can move out ASAP. I still have to go through all the ex’s and my stuff and separate all of it before I can move, but I’ll get to that while I can. When school starts and I move out, I’ll have to start building myself up again. Ever since I’ve moved back to my hometown, all I’ve done is look after other people. I gave a ton of money to my aunt for this place (deposit for bf and I was expensive) and loaned lots to the ex (if you count owed rent, over a thousand—I’m only twenty, that’s a lot) and paid for my sister to get her bedbugs treated and this is all stuff I can’t afford. My bike was stolen and I can't afford to replace it and this is a significant barrier to my happiness. I look after people and nobody is looking after me. Nobody cares what I do. It isn’t even worth pitching a fight over, because it wouldn’t accomplish anything. I feel like I just need to cut everyone out of my life and that makes me really really sad.
What do you do when you’re in a place like this? I haven’t lost my will to live or anything and I still have pretty even moods but whenever I’m alone all I can think about is how stupid I am to have let myself get into this situation and how it’s my fault. I feel like all of a sudden no one loves me anymore and I deserve it. I’m terrified that when my ex comes back I’ll get back with him because I’m so lonely. I don’t have a single outside friend who thinks this might be a good idea. Maybe I'll never date again because I'll be suspecting the next guy of being a secret ex-drug addict with issues too or something. I don't know.
I just feel so helpless. Please give me the tough love that I need to get through this.