243 posts tagged with boundaries.
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Boundaries for unintentional boundary-crossers
Are there books, workbooks, YouTube channels, etc for people who want to get better at respecting other people's unstated boundaries? Particularly at work. [more inside]
Is it normal for a plumber to show up outside of scheduled appointments?
I'd like to know if this behavior is normal or concerning. [more inside]
Do you let your parents know every time you get back from a day trip?
I live alone, but whenever I go on a day, weekend or other trip, my father expects me to phone and let him know that I got home safe afterwards. How common is this for fully adult children, and how can I most effectively draw boundaries? [more inside]
COVID broke my brain when it comes to employee accountability...
I manage 9 salaried people in a small, creative, "cool," "progressive" company. It is one of those jobs people dream of having in a small-ish, creative industry. When COVID hit and we all started working from home, my bosses laid down the law that we want to be accommodating as possible to folks, especially those directly affected by COVID or dealing with childcare issues. A year later, I have likely swung the pendulum too hard in favor of my employees, and it is starting to be a real problem for me, for my higher performing employees, and for the company. But given that we're STILL in a pandemic, I'm finding it extremely hard to figure out discipline, accountability, and boundaries, and have been accused of "coddling them." They may be right, but... [more inside]
Actions and events that advance intimacy in early dating
To help me as I work on communicating my boundaries better, I want to think through the typical actions/events early in dating specifically (like within the first 3-6 months) that can advance emotional intimacy, beyond sex/physical contact alone. Can you help me develop my list of these actions/events? [more inside]
How to handle my toxic family members death as a recovering codependent
My grandmother recently passed away. She was the remaining matriarch of an ultra toxic family system, that started with her and my grandfather, and has traveled through that entire family, sparing some, but affecting everyone. My mother perhaps worst of all. So toxic, that when I recognized my own codependency issues after my divorce a few years ago, I removed myself completely from family functions. I see my mom, but that is my only connection to that extended family currently. I have chosen not to see them as they constantly violate my boundaries and only seem capable of toxic interaction. (I have had more than a few verbal encounters with one aunt in particular). Now they are having a service for my grandmother this weekend... when the hospitals are full (so full I just had a friend die today in an ER waiting room trying to get medical attention) and covid numbers are at an all time high. I’ve already canceled hosting Christmas that is usually my favorite event of the year because of this. My mother is returning to old ways and attempting to guilt me into attending by telling me how poorly I will be talked about if not, and pushing at all of my delicately placed boundaries. [more inside]
Setting boundaries with mom over Christmas
Covid numbers and public health orders in my region mean I’ve decided that I’m just not comfortable seeing my 60-something parents for Christmas. My mom is not going to take this well and I have terrible boundaries. How do I navigate this? [more inside]
stuff is hard! also, boundaries!
BossFilter: How do I deal with an (understandably burnt-out) boss who struggles to organize and strategize our work, and also dumps on us emotionally constantly? [more inside]
Friendship in the time of Covid
I'm looking for articles or anecdotes on the impact of covid on relationships - not specifically romantic relationships. [more inside]
how to set boundaries with a child who isn't mine
My step brother's niece is... kind of a jerk. I feel awful feeling this way, but I also need to learn how to set boundaries when I interact with her so as not to internally rage and then feel bummed out. Can anyone help? [more inside]
Boundaries vs. being a good friend
I have a lot of friends who need emotional support. Part of me thinks, this is what you sign up to when you become somebody's friend; and part of me thinks I should be looking to myself and my own emotional well-being more. How do you make the call as to which is more important? If you do decide you can't be there for someone, how do you tell them that? [more inside]
Are there any books or movies with this theme?
Are there any thoughtfully written books, or movies, (or poems even) about two people who stay faithful in their marriages, yet sustain decades of deep affection and loving support for each other?
Postdoc adviser editing while hammered: NOT. OK.
My postdoctoral adviser edited part of an important grant application while totally hammered, and it shows. This isn't OK at all, I cannot work with her until this is addressed, and I have no idea how to address it. What do I do to try to salvage this working relationship? [more inside]
Boundaries & Feedback in the Time of COVID
I’m realizing that one of my best friends is very self-centered and it’s gotten worse as life has gotten more challenging for everyone during quarantine. How do I give her feedback/set boundaries right now when I know that none of us are at our best and most resilient? [more inside]
How can I (and should I) help my friend be part of her sister's death?
My friend's sister is dying very suddenly (a matter of days). There are complicated, weird, indirect family dynamics pushing my friend to stay away from her sister during this time. My instinct is to gently encourage my friend to ohmygod go be with her sister asap. Should I? Can I? How? [more inside]
It's called a breakup because you go broke?
I want to end my long-term relationship, but in addition to being terrified about this for all the usual reasons, I am also struggling with its effect on my partner's finances. How can I navigate this in a way that is both caring and responsible, but also healthy? [more inside]
Communication woes with BFF
I think my BFF was depressed, but now it has turned into something more complicated because communication is tense and difficult now. Wall of text to follow... [more inside]
Setting boundaries with emotionally difficult elderly parents
I don't mind helping my elderly mother with practical needs, but I really don't want to support her emotionally. How can I navigate the relationship to be helpful in the ways I feel I am able to without putting myself in positions I don't want to be in? [more inside]
Sexual assault, but need references from my attacker
Took my mentor teacher out for dinner to ask him to write me a reference. Obviously I should have had my guard much more up. But I never thought of him as a potential threat. [Content Warning: details below the fold] [more inside]
Help me help myself - bossy coworker question
Last year my company hired a consultant. We had previously hired them for different work and were happy with them in that capacity. On the new project I found them to be overbearing and hated working with them. We wrapped up the project and I've been enjoying work again. Consultant just brought us a new opportunity that my boss wants to pursue. I am the key person doing the work/getting the credit, consultant would be the go-between.
How can I maintain boundaries and not hate this experience? Details that might be relevant and grievances below the fold. [more inside]
How to Boundary-Set and Cope with Elderly Family Member Turning Abusive
This isn't a new problem but it's new to us, and I need pointers. My elderly father has begun to more and more frequently express his anger and other negative feelings in inappropriate ways, and help is needed for best practices in boundary-setting and coping in a situation where we can't simply DTFMA. [more inside]
My sister passed recently. My old manager emailed my old office about it
I wish she had asked me first. Should I tell her that? [more inside]
Baby rules
How do you react during a playdate if the other child pushes or hits your child, and you feel the other parent underreacts? [more inside]
My neighbor has no boundaries
I live in a small apartment building, and my neighbor across the hall is constantly knocking on my door, talking to me through my door, leaving things at my door, and trying to help me in uninvited ways when I see her in the hall. My landlord and I have talked to her a few times and a former tenant yelled at her. Is there anything else I can do? [more inside]
Post-mortem for a sex life
I am trying to process the demise of my marriage, particularly of our sex life, and when I say process, it tends to veer towards unproductive ruminating. Can you help me along in any way? Reframing, nudging in a more useful direction, challenging my perspective, suggestions of literature or other helpful resources, all are welcome. Possible CW: unpleasant sexual experiences and some boundary crossing behavior. [more inside]
Nothing happened between a coworker and myself, so why is it so awkward?
Coworkers are gossiping that something happened between a male coworker and myself, but we don't even talk. Snowflakes inside... [more inside]
How do I cut off contact with my colleague?
My colleague insulted me yet again and I'd like to cut off communication for good. How can I go about doing this? [more inside]
I don't like my husband's dog. She doesn't think much of me either.
Despite my affection for animals, I am having a hard time living with my husband's dog, and with all of the attendant work she necessitates. Maybe you can help me reconsider my expectations, or, even better, give me some practical advice on sharing a house with a dog I don't like? [more inside]
When / how do I take no for an answer?
I have always been taught to never take no for an answer from business books- especially from someone not authorized to tell you yes (I think that one was from church, which I no longer attend). I am not afraid of confrontation or challenging authority and can be aggressive while my partner is the opposite. Doing so has yielded me more often than not great results (upgrades in hotel rooms, discounts, access to the things i wanted). However i realize it's a problem in my relationship [more inside]
DTMFA?
I have this friend, who is a complex character that I have seen a therapist about and THEY didn't know what to make of him. He's costing me my mental health with a ganja habit that has very clearly, for years, been terrible for me to be around - words that have come out of my mouth - and there are too many behaviors to ask for behavior changes. And he is my roommate now because Life and Stupidity. How do I DTMFA with my circumstances? [more inside]
Strategies for writing & publishing about a kink-related adventure
I am possibly going to embark on a fun kink-related adventure this year and would like to document the process. Help me figure out how I should document this, as well as work out whether it's better to be anonymous (hence the anonymity of this question) or go by my usual pen name. [more inside]
MIL doesn't approve of engagement - how to set boundaries
We invited my MIL over yesterday to talk wedding plans, and she tiraded about how she doesn't think we should be getting married. I feel hurt and offended. What kind of boundaries can I set with her to minimize hurt going forward? [more inside]
How Do I (Graciously) Say No Again to Something I’ve Already Refused?
I had a baby last week. This is super! We have friends and family who want to celebrate with us. This is extra super and deeply, deeply appreciated. But when they ask if they can come over to drop off supplies or do other X thing for us and I say no, we’re not up for it just yet, or thanks but we don’t need X, I get a ton of pushback. How do I firm up my boundaries while being polite and exhibiting the gratitude I feel? [more inside]
Helping without burnout, or condescension
I am housing a homeless friend and trying to figure out boundaries for all parties involved, including myself. She's been with me for a little over a month. [more inside]
This person was 98% wrong for me, so why am I sad they're gone?
I recently attempted to casually date someone, but kept pumping the brakes because of what seemed like boundary-pushing, as well as significant asymmetries in interest levels, values, and lifestyles. Then we slept together and it blew my mind, but I didn’t accede to his request for another date right away because he still seemed too keen. Now he appears to have stomped off in frustration, and I feel sad and doubtful. Am I thinking with my privates and romanticizing a loose cannon with whom I had extremely limited compatibility, or did I mess up because I’m an anxious spoilsport? [more inside]
Partner: My Crush Wants to Speak with You About Their Intentions
My partner has a crush on someone, which has been difficult for me. Recently my partner revealed to the subject of her crush the difficulty I've been having with the situation, and now they've offered to speak with me about their intentions. Should I have this conversation with them? [more inside]
tfw your sounding board is the topic of your askme
An online friend of mine recently admitted they had an romantic interest in me. It was always a fear, in the back of my mind, that something like this would come to pass. I don't know what I'm even asking anymore but I would like some advice. [more inside]
What are reasonable boundaries touchy political topics?
Hi! It's me again, this time I need help figuring out reasonable boundaries with potentially political topics to avoid fights with family. It would be easiest just to avoid everything, but that's not feasible. While I am ready to just cut ties with all of my associates who haven't disavowed the GOP at this point, I also don't want my kid to not have relationships with their grandparents/aunts/uncles. So how do we do this now? [more inside]
How do you practice ownership at work and not let it take over your job?
If I take "ownershop" of my job, I'm supposed to be willing to do whatever I see that needs to get done. What advice do you have about not letting the side tasks take all your time? What should I be communicating to my managers? [more inside]
New boundaries in my new apartment (for same old mom)
Life circumstances conspired to make me move back in with my mother three years ago. Now I have my own apartment again and will be moving in the next few days. My new place is 20 minutes from hers, and I'm worried about the micromanaging and boundary crossing. She does not respect verbal boundaries at all, and I'm trying to figure out nonverbal ways to establish boundaries. [more inside]
Addressing/limiting stalkery behavior in ex
Separated 5+ years, soon-to-be divorced, joint custody of a kid (backstory in previous questions). Both I and 'Other Parent' date. OP exhibits stalkery behavior with my (limited) dates. How might I address this? Looking for resources. Complications inside ... [more inside]
Is this the kind of red flag I should be looking for?
I started talking to a guy who was really pushy about getting more face pictures after I had already sent him 3. I've recently talked to my therapist about being attracted to men who end up being really controlling and she said to start paying more attention to early signs of boundary pushing to better protect myself. Is this that? Details inside. [more inside]
How do you set limits on client feedback?
I am the art director at a small design agency. Part of my job involves project management, and I am really struggling with keeping client feedback at a reasonable level/pace. How do you handle this at your company? [more inside]
Help me understand multiple chemical sensitivity
I find myself in frequent contact with a person who suffers from Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. This is the first time I've encountered someone with this affliction in my day-to-day life. I've been asked by the person to accommodate a number of changes, including the type of shampoo, laundry detergent, hand soap, lotions, deodorant, and cleaning products I use, and generally refraining from using perfume/scented products of any kind. [more inside]
Effective phrasing for boundary-setting?
I am working on setting up boundaries more effectively in therapy, as I am a child sexual abuse/emotional/physical/addict abuse survivor. I have trouble setting up boundaries effectively and am looking for some go-to scripting. Snowflakes within! [more inside]
Seeking books/articles for interracial couple navigating racist in-laws
Asking for a friend. My friend is a woman of color who is married to a white man. Since the beginning of their relationship, her husband's mother (now her mother-in-law) has said racist and mean-spirited things to my friend. My friend just gave birth and the behavior has gotten worse. She's looking for resources to help her and her husband navigate boundaries with the in-laws as they want their child to have some sort of relationship with the grandparents later in life. [more inside]
I can't; I'm busy in 2023.
How do you politely decline requests that are too open-ended for a hard "no"? [more inside]
boundaries - how do you do it
My resolution for this year is to get better at saying no and to be more in tune with my boundaries and holding them. What has worked for you? What books, exercises, articles, etc. have helped you develop healthy boundaries? [more inside]
Sexually assaulted by a friend. How to make her understand how I feel?
Is there any point in trying to show this formerly close friend who first violated me sexually, then violated my privacy, why her behaviour is so hurtful and upsetting? And if there is, how do I go about it? [more inside]
Stuck in the middle--or am I?
How do you navigate a potentially fraught situation, when it doesn't directly involve you, but you find yourself in the middle nonetheless? [more inside]