My lips or yours?
January 22, 2008 7:23 PM Subscribe
Can I kiss you?
I like this girl and I want to kiss her to let her know how I feel. Nothing intense, just a quick kiss on the lips in the middle of a conversation. This isn't just some random girl I met, I've known her for about 6 months and we've been hanging out a bit.
One part of me wants to just do it, the other part of me starts thinking that maybe I shouldn't. Your input would be super!
I like this girl and I want to kiss her to let her know how I feel. Nothing intense, just a quick kiss on the lips in the middle of a conversation. This isn't just some random girl I met, I've known her for about 6 months and we've been hanging out a bit.
One part of me wants to just do it, the other part of me starts thinking that maybe I shouldn't. Your input would be super!
Do it. Or don't. No-one here can tell you an answer for this, as we don't know you and we don't know them.
What are you risking here? A slap? Feeling daft for the arvo? The sack and a sexual harrassment claim?
posted by pompomtom at 7:31 PM on January 22, 2008
What are you risking here? A slap? Feeling daft for the arvo? The sack and a sexual harrassment claim?
posted by pompomtom at 7:31 PM on January 22, 2008
Don't kiss her in the middle of a conversation. That would drive me crazy.
posted by sweetkid at 7:31 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by sweetkid at 7:31 PM on January 22, 2008
Not on the mouth. Maybe one of those soft kisses on the top ridge of the cheekbone, where there are lots of tantalizing nerve endings.
Assess response.
React accordingly.
Mouth = mucho awkwardness if you've misread her signals. Cheekbone = awkwardness you can back away from with a bit of verbal dexterity.
posted by YamwotIam at 7:34 PM on January 22, 2008
Assess response.
React accordingly.
Mouth = mucho awkwardness if you've misread her signals. Cheekbone = awkwardness you can back away from with a bit of verbal dexterity.
posted by YamwotIam at 7:34 PM on January 22, 2008
Don't kiss agirl unless you get painfully obvious signals that she wants you to. Otherwise, if you're wrong, you've made a fool of yourself.
posted by jonmc at 7:35 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 7:35 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
You provided far too little information for us to be able to judge this, OP. What kind of conversations are you having? Standing upright in a public place, talking about sports or politics or work? No, do not kiss her. Smooshed on your couch, leaned in together, talking about nothing at all? Yes, kiss her.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:36 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:36 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Kiss her in the middle of a conversation. It would drive me crazy. In a GREAT way.
Plus, it would put her out of her comfort zone (unless she was expecting it) and that will show you glimpses of true character.
Or she might think you are despicable and never speak to you again...
Depends on what you want to accomplish.
posted by KB.Boston_implant.By way of NY at 7:36 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
Plus, it would put her out of her comfort zone (unless she was expecting it) and that will show you glimpses of true character.
Or she might think you are despicable and never speak to you again...
Depends on what you want to accomplish.
posted by KB.Boston_implant.By way of NY at 7:36 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
I will tell you something funny that happened to me when I was 16.
A boy that lived next door to me invited me to come over on a certain date because "something amazing" was going to happen at a certain time. He wouldn't tell me what it was.
Curious, I went over... and at exactly 4:30, he looked at his watch, and said, "Oh my god, it's NOW" and leaned over and gave me the most passionate kiss I have probably ever had (that was unexpected).
I was totally NOT attracted to him, but being impressed by what he had done, I kissed him back. I laughed afterwards, told him "good one" and we never kissed again... but you bet I kissed him back when he did it, because it was such a funny surprise.
Something about the way he planned it out as an event... it really impressed me. How could I not kiss him back? He planned it! He called it "an amazing event"!
If you don't think this will work for you, try asking her to help you with an emotional problem of sorts... something along the lines of needing help understanding women, or helping pick out a present for your mother. When she's done helping you, give her a warm, heartfelt hug. Then, as you're hugging, kiss her hair or her neck. If she's smiling and a little flushed when you pull back, that's a good sign she's ready for you to kiss her for real.
The worst that can happen is she won't kiss you back or return your feelings; if you handle it with dignity and aplomb, you will laugh about it and move on as friends. You never know until you try, and life is short!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:42 PM on January 22, 2008 [31 favorites]
A boy that lived next door to me invited me to come over on a certain date because "something amazing" was going to happen at a certain time. He wouldn't tell me what it was.
Curious, I went over... and at exactly 4:30, he looked at his watch, and said, "Oh my god, it's NOW" and leaned over and gave me the most passionate kiss I have probably ever had (that was unexpected).
I was totally NOT attracted to him, but being impressed by what he had done, I kissed him back. I laughed afterwards, told him "good one" and we never kissed again... but you bet I kissed him back when he did it, because it was such a funny surprise.
Something about the way he planned it out as an event... it really impressed me. How could I not kiss him back? He planned it! He called it "an amazing event"!
If you don't think this will work for you, try asking her to help you with an emotional problem of sorts... something along the lines of needing help understanding women, or helping pick out a present for your mother. When she's done helping you, give her a warm, heartfelt hug. Then, as you're hugging, kiss her hair or her neck. If she's smiling and a little flushed when you pull back, that's a good sign she's ready for you to kiss her for real.
The worst that can happen is she won't kiss you back or return your feelings; if you handle it with dignity and aplomb, you will laugh about it and move on as friends. You never know until you try, and life is short!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:42 PM on January 22, 2008 [31 favorites]
kiss her. she is probably wondering what you are waiting for!!
posted by ian1977 at 7:43 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by ian1977 at 7:43 PM on January 22, 2008
It will be awkward no matter what if she turns you down. If you ask "hey, I'd really like to kiss you" and she says no, or if you lean in and she turns away. Choose whichever you'd feel would be less so, and go for it if it feels right at the time. Don't plan it out to much, or if you're anything like me you'll be a nervous wreck anticipating it.
posted by phrontist at 7:45 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by phrontist at 7:45 PM on January 22, 2008
(Oh, and lest my comment come across as anything but encouraging go for it.)
posted by phrontist at 7:47 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by phrontist at 7:47 PM on January 22, 2008
I am so tempted to tell you to go for it. But that may be because I've got a gentleman friend I wish would take this advice, and apply it to me. So to speak.
(But really. You only live once.)
posted by kalimac at 7:47 PM on January 22, 2008
(But really. You only live once.)
posted by kalimac at 7:47 PM on January 22, 2008
kiss her already, goddamnit. either she'll go along or she won't.
posted by bruce at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by bruce at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2008
Well, you know what they say, "You will always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
posted by bkeene12 at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by bkeene12 at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
if you handle it with dignity and aplomb, you will laugh about it and move on as friends. You never know until you try, and life is short!
The downside is that unless you wait for her to send really clear signals (my advice is to ask her friends) she'll always know that you like her 'that way,' and she dosen't which will always give her the upper hand ina ny relationship.
posted by jonmc at 7:50 PM on January 22, 2008
The downside is that unless you wait for her to send really clear signals (my advice is to ask her friends) she'll always know that you like her 'that way,' and she dosen't which will always give her the upper hand ina ny relationship.
posted by jonmc at 7:50 PM on January 22, 2008
You can always ask her "can I kiss you?" as opposed to giving her a surprise smooch. It comes across as sweet, not awkward like you might think.
Good luck! These things don't always work out perfectly, but when they do, it's worth it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:52 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
Good luck! These things don't always work out perfectly, but when they do, it's worth it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:52 PM on January 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
I like this girl and I want to kiss her to let her know how I feel.
Do it, but realize she might not be into you. Do it anyway.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:54 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Do it, but realize she might not be into you. Do it anyway.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:54 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Sorry, I'm going to have to vehemently oppose the "Can I kiss you?" suggestion...
Perhaps I'm a post-feminist projecting my frustration with these coy young men. I suspect many women value the ability to gauge their partner's interest. If you can't muster that, a little boldness will do!
posted by quelindo at 8:12 PM on January 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
Perhaps I'm a post-feminist projecting my frustration with these coy young men. I suspect many women value the ability to gauge their partner's interest. If you can't muster that, a little boldness will do!
posted by quelindo at 8:12 PM on January 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
I disagree with jonmc. Overthinking kills fun, brings anxiety and provides fertile ground for unnecessary awkwardness. A cute little kiss like this, spontaneous and flirty is all about a playful moment of daring fun, not of measuring weighty contingencies of power relations, marriage, children or anything beyond a simple little kiss.
The way to do it is just to do it. (keep it short, sweet and dry.) If she likes it, she likes it.
If she doesn't like it, don't be awkward, just behave as if it was the cutest thing ever and that you really don't care either way. Or better yet, playfully bust on her and express your suspicions as to whether she has ever kissed before. Fun is contagious. If you're having fun, chances are she'll enjoy it. If she doesn't, there's a good chance that she isn't fun. A little flirty kiss is a good way to find out.
posted by isopraxis at 8:14 PM on January 22, 2008
The way to do it is just to do it. (keep it short, sweet and dry.) If she likes it, she likes it.
If she doesn't like it, don't be awkward, just behave as if it was the cutest thing ever and that you really don't care either way. Or better yet, playfully bust on her and express your suspicions as to whether she has ever kissed before. Fun is contagious. If you're having fun, chances are she'll enjoy it. If she doesn't, there's a good chance that she isn't fun. A little flirty kiss is a good way to find out.
posted by isopraxis at 8:14 PM on January 22, 2008
Does anyone else get the sort of feeling that just grabbing her and kissing her might be a tad bit on the uncomfortable manhandling side? No?
Try to gauge her interest first. If you'd like to kiss her, kiss her hand and confess your feelings.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:25 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Try to gauge her interest first. If you'd like to kiss her, kiss her hand and confess your feelings.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:25 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Three steps, to give you a chance to figure out if she's interested before you go for it.
1. Gauge her interest overall. Asking friends, understanding her signals.
2. Touch her hand and see what she does. If she pulls away, then obviously no kiss. If she looks pleased, good.
3. When you think the moment might be right, lean in a bit or look at her lips (or: look at lips - then eyes - then lips, in quick sequence). Either of these will be a very strong "I'm about to kiss you" signal. If she suddenly makes an excuse to get up, change the subject, cross her arms in front of her, etc, then she doesn't want to kiss you right then.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:45 PM on January 22, 2008
1. Gauge her interest overall. Asking friends, understanding her signals.
2. Touch her hand and see what she does. If she pulls away, then obviously no kiss. If she looks pleased, good.
3. When you think the moment might be right, lean in a bit or look at her lips (or: look at lips - then eyes - then lips, in quick sequence). Either of these will be a very strong "I'm about to kiss you" signal. If she suddenly makes an excuse to get up, change the subject, cross her arms in front of her, etc, then she doesn't want to kiss you right then.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:45 PM on January 22, 2008
A guy once kissed me in the middle of a sentence on the first date. I'd known him for about a week prior. We've been together for over a year, now. YMMV.
posted by youcancallmeal at 8:54 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by youcancallmeal at 8:54 PM on January 22, 2008
+1 on the kissing.
As another tactic, when you lean in, pay attention and take it nice and slow. This has two benefits:
1: If the kiss is un-wanted, chances are you'll see the WTF look on her face. Pull back, apologize, express your feelings in such a way you're not pressuring her to reciprocate, regroup and move on.
2: If the kiss is wanted, you are SO MONEY for taking your time and building the anticipation.
I think, in general, not too much can go wrong when you focus on her, her reactions, her wants and desires. Be confident.
First kiss between my wife and I? Sheer magic. Just 13 years ago this coming Valentine's Day. I was so gigglingly happy, I bought beers and sodas for all the hobos on the walk home. I didn't stop smiling for, well, 13 years or so. Heeheeheehee. Sigh. Happy happy.
posted by thomsplace at 9:16 PM on January 22, 2008 [5 favorites]
As another tactic, when you lean in, pay attention and take it nice and slow. This has two benefits:
1: If the kiss is un-wanted, chances are you'll see the WTF look on her face. Pull back, apologize, express your feelings in such a way you're not pressuring her to reciprocate, regroup and move on.
2: If the kiss is wanted, you are SO MONEY for taking your time and building the anticipation.
I think, in general, not too much can go wrong when you focus on her, her reactions, her wants and desires. Be confident.
First kiss between my wife and I? Sheer magic. Just 13 years ago this coming Valentine's Day. I was so gigglingly happy, I bought beers and sodas for all the hobos on the walk home. I didn't stop smiling for, well, 13 years or so. Heeheeheehee. Sigh. Happy happy.
posted by thomsplace at 9:16 PM on January 22, 2008 [5 favorites]
DON'T KISS HER QUICK!!!
UGH!
it's so GROSS when guys do this. i hate it. what are you, seven? first kisses are supposed to be slow and sweet and sexy, not dabbly and pecky and punchy.
here's how to have a nice first kiss:
hang out. drink a little bit if you're into that. chew some gum to make your mouth not stink. talk. talk about her. say something nice about her. look at her eyes and smile slowly. maybe look at her mouth a little. when the time is right, lean in 60% of the way towards the kiss. look at her. if she leans in at all or tips her chin up to you, you've got a go. lean in the next 30%. you have now leaned in 90%.
wait.
let the girl lean in for the last 10%. she clinches the kiss. don't hit her with your big stubbly man face.
god, quick first kisses piss me off. i have absolutely written off guys i thought i maybe liked because of those bravado kisses. don't be that guy!
posted by twistofrhyme at 9:20 PM on January 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
UGH!
it's so GROSS when guys do this. i hate it. what are you, seven? first kisses are supposed to be slow and sweet and sexy, not dabbly and pecky and punchy.
here's how to have a nice first kiss:
hang out. drink a little bit if you're into that. chew some gum to make your mouth not stink. talk. talk about her. say something nice about her. look at her eyes and smile slowly. maybe look at her mouth a little. when the time is right, lean in 60% of the way towards the kiss. look at her. if she leans in at all or tips her chin up to you, you've got a go. lean in the next 30%. you have now leaned in 90%.
wait.
let the girl lean in for the last 10%. she clinches the kiss. don't hit her with your big stubbly man face.
god, quick first kisses piss me off. i have absolutely written off guys i thought i maybe liked because of those bravado kisses. don't be that guy!
posted by twistofrhyme at 9:20 PM on January 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
ask her if she wants to kiss you, don't ask if you can kiss her. she's looking at you, you're looking at her, pause in conversation... "Do you want to kiss me?"
if yes, lean in for the kiss.
if she hesitates to answer, lean in for the kiss because she is at least thinking about it.
if no, something simple like "Oh, you just had this twinkle in your eye, no big deal..." and move on to another topic. or something along those lines.
*I've never actually done this, but the 3 possible scenarios play out well in my head so... good luck?
posted by hummercash at 9:26 PM on January 22, 2008
if yes, lean in for the kiss.
if she hesitates to answer, lean in for the kiss because she is at least thinking about it.
if no, something simple like "Oh, you just had this twinkle in your eye, no big deal..." and move on to another topic. or something along those lines.
*I've never actually done this, but the 3 possible scenarios play out well in my head so... good luck?
posted by hummercash at 9:26 PM on January 22, 2008
ask her! oh man, definitely ask her! explain yourself! "i like you and want to kiss you! may i?"
once i learned how to be okay asking somebody if i can kiss them, and how to be okay whatever their answer was, i got a lot more confident, and comfortable with my own attractions and desires.
posted by entropone at 9:29 PM on January 22, 2008
once i learned how to be okay asking somebody if i can kiss them, and how to be okay whatever their answer was, i got a lot more confident, and comfortable with my own attractions and desires.
posted by entropone at 9:29 PM on January 22, 2008
It's better to kiss the girl and be thought a dork than to not kiss the girl and wonder what would have happened if you had.
No. Because if you don't kiss her you can still fanatsize that she did without the reality of rejection ruining it.
posted by jonmc at 9:34 PM on January 22, 2008 [4 favorites]
No. Because if you don't kiss her you can still fanatsize that she did without the reality of rejection ruining it.
posted by jonmc at 9:34 PM on January 22, 2008 [4 favorites]
Actually it is good to just kiss somebody because you get a real response back right away and the relationship is moved forward. It's a ballsy thing to do; even if she doesn't want the kiss, you get points for being honest and direct and not being a wimp. It's a win-win. And a lot of the time, even if she doesn't share the attraction, she will still be flattered and enjoy it. Plus, it's good to practice because there will be times in your life when a woman wants you to kiss her and you need to be able to act without thinking too much. Each time you do it makes the next time a little easier.
posted by conrad53 at 9:41 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by conrad53 at 9:41 PM on January 22, 2008
Yeah... don't ask for permission to kiss someone. Just do it or don't do it.
You can pretty much tell if someone wants to kiss you anyway, if she's leaning all into your face and looking at your lips, go for it. Her body language will give her away.
Generally you kiss someone if you see a good opportunity, not just in the middle of a conversation. Might be VERY strange and awkward if you just surprise her with a kiss she's not prepared for.
posted by juicedigital at 10:04 PM on January 22, 2008
You can pretty much tell if someone wants to kiss you anyway, if she's leaning all into your face and looking at your lips, go for it. Her body language will give her away.
Generally you kiss someone if you see a good opportunity, not just in the middle of a conversation. Might be VERY strange and awkward if you just surprise her with a kiss she's not prepared for.
posted by juicedigital at 10:04 PM on January 22, 2008
Do it. Get her smiling or laughing at something, and kiss her mid-laugh. Don't kiss her while she's talking, though :-)
posted by Happydaz at 10:12 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Happydaz at 10:12 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Ah, Kino Escalation. (Don't take the links as a be-all-end-all manual, being sensitive to the situation trumps all else.)
posted by sisquoc15 at 10:21 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by sisquoc15 at 10:21 PM on January 22, 2008
Because if you don't kiss her you can still fanatsize that she did without the reality of rejection ruining it.
That's one of the saddest, most depressing things I've read on AskMe. Kiss her already.
posted by dersins at 10:32 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
That's one of the saddest, most depressing things I've read on AskMe. Kiss her already.
posted by dersins at 10:32 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Rough guidelines. YMMV.
If she is comfortable with you hanging out alone, or going to something together without others you have a pretty good indicator. Start invading her body bubble a little bit, sit in the same couch instead of the separate chair. Touch her in innocent but definite ways: arm, shoulder, hair. You can tell pretty quick if she is moving to the other chair and reestablishing her distance or sticking close. If she is sticking close, the opportunity will likely present itself and you try it. If she is keeping herself distant physically, let it be.
posted by spartacusroosevelt at 10:40 PM on January 22, 2008
If she is comfortable with you hanging out alone, or going to something together without others you have a pretty good indicator. Start invading her body bubble a little bit, sit in the same couch instead of the separate chair. Touch her in innocent but definite ways: arm, shoulder, hair. You can tell pretty quick if she is moving to the other chair and reestablishing her distance or sticking close. If she is sticking close, the opportunity will likely present itself and you try it. If she is keeping herself distant physically, let it be.
posted by spartacusroosevelt at 10:40 PM on January 22, 2008
Do you have long, deep conversations? Are there moments of silence, where you are just looking at each other? If so, that's the moment to steal a kiss, not in mid-sentence. If not, it's probably not time for a kiss, yet. If you've screwed up, you'll get the cheek, or worse, and be embarrassed. That's the chance you take.
posted by nanojath at 10:41 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by nanojath at 10:41 PM on January 22, 2008
Ha! I kissed this girl that I was friends with for freaking forever. She paused...kissed me back. It was a pretty long and intense moment and it was very nice. Nothing ever came out of it, and we are still friends. Just do it!
posted by nickerbocker at 10:50 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by nickerbocker at 10:50 PM on January 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Kissing should never be this over-though IMHO. If you ask and she says no, would that be any less awkward than if you just tried kissing her and she said no? The easiest way to get in cold water is to just jump! If you see a moment, take your chance. Don't ask! If she doesn't reciprocate, a simple "Well, I had to try" said with a sincere smile should suffice and you can go on being friends. If she can't handle that then move along. There are plenty of girls in this world. At least you'll know and you will be a stronger man for trying. But that's only if things go badly. How awesome would it be if she returned your kiss? Yeah, start thinking about that. Isn't that worth the risk? Start taking some chances. Risk takers are typically desirable by women. Best of luck to you.
posted by smeater44 at 10:54 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by smeater44 at 10:54 PM on January 22, 2008
The secret to making moves on women is trust, as in trusting yourself. Trust that you will know the right moment to make the move. Literally tell yourself that.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:51 PM on January 22, 2008
posted by Ironmouth at 11:51 PM on January 22, 2008
If some guy I just hung out with randomly kissed me in the middle of a conversation, I might just punch him in the face. How sure are you?
posted by jacalata at 1:19 AM on January 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by jacalata at 1:19 AM on January 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
As the Old Ovid said in his ars amatoria, well, i just can't seem to find it but it was something along the lines of, if she rejects you just move on.
But than again Ovid was a very macho type of person, or just very ironic.
Well: Go for it
posted by kall at 5:42 AM on January 23, 2008
But than again Ovid was a very macho type of person, or just very ironic.
Well: Go for it
posted by kall at 5:42 AM on January 23, 2008
anonymous said: Nothing intense, just a quick kiss on the lips in the middle of a conversation.
While in theory this may sound fun, in reality you have to pick your moment. If you are in the middle of a discussion about Hillary vs Giuliani then I probably wouldn't try this. The conversation should be romantic and there should be some clear signals from her. Nothing will kill the mood permanently like unwarranted attention at an inappropriate time. A first kiss can be something to remember forever but pick the moment to make it more special.
posted by JJ86 at 6:03 AM on January 23, 2008
While in theory this may sound fun, in reality you have to pick your moment. If you are in the middle of a discussion about Hillary vs Giuliani then I probably wouldn't try this. The conversation should be romantic and there should be some clear signals from her. Nothing will kill the mood permanently like unwarranted attention at an inappropriate time. A first kiss can be something to remember forever but pick the moment to make it more special.
posted by JJ86 at 6:03 AM on January 23, 2008
Really, jacalata you would punch him in the face? I think it's sweet. And if there's some awkwardness afterwards so what? At least you tried. If she's into you she'll kiss you back. If she's not, she won't. If she's cool, she won't punch you in the face.
That being said, the advice saying you should ask her out instead is also sound.
posted by bluefly at 6:10 AM on January 23, 2008
That being said, the advice saying you should ask her out instead is also sound.
posted by bluefly at 6:10 AM on January 23, 2008
I was "SURPRISE!" kissed. I kissed back. Then I made an excuse about how I had to be somewhere else, ran home, and washed my mouth out, kicking myself the whole way for kissing back instead of giving him bloody hell about it. Oh, and did I mention feeling violated? And hating myself for kissing back? And mysteriously failing to return all of his calls? And feeling violated?
You need some body language, or something(!) to go on. Have you tried the good old "hey, I really enjoy spending time with you" line? Or asking her out on a more date-y type thing, like, say, dinner together? If nothing else, make sure the lead-in to the kiss is loooong and slow, and that you catch her eyes and give her a questioning look. (Do not under any circumstances ask her to close her eyes first.)
posted by anaelith at 7:06 AM on January 23, 2008
You need some body language, or something(!) to go on. Have you tried the good old "hey, I really enjoy spending time with you" line? Or asking her out on a more date-y type thing, like, say, dinner together? If nothing else, make sure the lead-in to the kiss is loooong and slow, and that you catch her eyes and give her a questioning look. (Do not under any circumstances ask her to close her eyes first.)
posted by anaelith at 7:06 AM on January 23, 2008
Don't kiss her in the middle of a conversation. That would drive me crazy.
Seriously. Even if I'd been dating you for five years, if we're having a conversation we're having a conversation. There's no kissing in the "middle" of a conversation anyway. That's like saying your school was bombed in the "middle" of algebra class. You're not going back to equations after that.
You've seen movies/TV before in your life, right? Wait for one of those long pauses. Maybe at your good-bye, assuming she isn't in rush.
posted by dagnyscott at 7:54 AM on January 23, 2008
Seriously. Even if I'd been dating you for five years, if we're having a conversation we're having a conversation. There's no kissing in the "middle" of a conversation anyway. That's like saying your school was bombed in the "middle" of algebra class. You're not going back to equations after that.
You've seen movies/TV before in your life, right? Wait for one of those long pauses. Maybe at your good-bye, assuming she isn't in rush.
posted by dagnyscott at 7:54 AM on January 23, 2008
When you're in the midst of a great 1:1 conversation with her, pause, look deeply into her eyes as you move a tad closer and say "I really want to kiss you" . . . your forthrightness will be appreciated and if she's at all inclined will seem hot, if she's uncomfortable then you haven't invade her space but have opened up the nature of your relationship as a conversation point.
posted by donovan at 8:55 AM on January 23, 2008
posted by donovan at 8:55 AM on January 23, 2008
Yep, "kino escalation" is the ticket. You build up to the kiss, reading her body language at every step of the way. Greet her with a hug. Touch her on the arm. Take her hand in yours. If she's not comfortable with her hand in yours, she's not ready to be kissed. If she pulls back at any point, pull back yourself. You've overstepped her comfort level. A small overstep is fine -- pull back and build up to it again later -- but if ignore her cues, you're treading into "creepy" territory. And "creepy" is the #1 universal attraction killer.
Also, you don't EVER verbally ask "Can I kiss you?" (that exudes both a lack of confidence and an inability to read social cues -- you should already *know* whether she wants to kiss you). That's what the kino is for.
If you want to ratchet up the sexual tension -- and tension is *everything* in romance -- do an Almost Kiss first. Say "I don't think you're ready for a kiss just yet, but I think you're ready for an Almost Kiss." Have her sit on her hands, and put your hands on her shoulders. The object is to bring your lips as close as possible to each other without kissing. DO NOT kiss her, and don't let her kiss you. Not yet. Push her back (gently) if you need to, saying "no cheating!" Do this for 15-30 seconds. This is really hot, for both of you, and she'll be dying to kiss you. When you finally do kiss, a little later, be prepared to be POUNCED! (If she asks where you learned the Almost Kiss, just say you saw it in a movie or something -- unless, of course, you want to tell her you got it from Lord Sludge on the internet.)
As for the kiss itself, no tongue for the first 20 seconds. So if it doesn't turn into a long-ish kiss, then no tongue, period. Again, you're taking small steps, reading her response all along. You don't just jam your tongue in -- might take 2 or 3 minutes to get to that point.
Also, if you want to get more physical with this girl, don't save the kiss for the end of the evening. (Some guys do this because they want to put *something* in their personal confidence bank, last-second, before the evening ends.) Do it somewhere in the middle of the evening, so it can progress to "making out" and maybe more. Again, never force anything, always read her body language and comfort level. If you overstep, pull back.
Wow. I wrote all that just for a kiss? I guess kisses rock! Best of luck, and enjoy yourself. First kisses are electric! (I'd rather have a great first kiss than a lousy one-night stand anytime...)
posted by LordSludge at 9:27 AM on January 23, 2008
Also, you don't EVER verbally ask "Can I kiss you?" (that exudes both a lack of confidence and an inability to read social cues -- you should already *know* whether she wants to kiss you). That's what the kino is for.
If you want to ratchet up the sexual tension -- and tension is *everything* in romance -- do an Almost Kiss first. Say "I don't think you're ready for a kiss just yet, but I think you're ready for an Almost Kiss." Have her sit on her hands, and put your hands on her shoulders. The object is to bring your lips as close as possible to each other without kissing. DO NOT kiss her, and don't let her kiss you. Not yet. Push her back (gently) if you need to, saying "no cheating!" Do this for 15-30 seconds. This is really hot, for both of you, and she'll be dying to kiss you. When you finally do kiss, a little later, be prepared to be POUNCED! (If she asks where you learned the Almost Kiss, just say you saw it in a movie or something -- unless, of course, you want to tell her you got it from Lord Sludge on the internet.)
As for the kiss itself, no tongue for the first 20 seconds. So if it doesn't turn into a long-ish kiss, then no tongue, period. Again, you're taking small steps, reading her response all along. You don't just jam your tongue in -- might take 2 or 3 minutes to get to that point.
Also, if you want to get more physical with this girl, don't save the kiss for the end of the evening. (Some guys do this because they want to put *something* in their personal confidence bank, last-second, before the evening ends.) Do it somewhere in the middle of the evening, so it can progress to "making out" and maybe more. Again, never force anything, always read her body language and comfort level. If you overstep, pull back.
Wow. I wrote all that just for a kiss? I guess kisses rock! Best of luck, and enjoy yourself. First kisses are electric! (I'd rather have a great first kiss than a lousy one-night stand anytime...)
posted by LordSludge at 9:27 AM on January 23, 2008
1. Standing about 4 feet away from her, hold your hand out.
2. She will take your hand (if she's in to you).
3. Slowly, looking into her eyes, pull her closer to you.
4. She will smile and ask, "What are you doing?"
5. You will answer, "I'm going to kiss you."
6. When you are within 6" of her face pause. Feel the moment.
7. Kiss her. Slowly.
Use this only for good.
posted by probablysteve at 9:46 AM on January 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
2. She will take your hand (if she's in to you).
3. Slowly, looking into her eyes, pull her closer to you.
4. She will smile and ask, "What are you doing?"
5. You will answer, "I'm going to kiss you."
6. When you are within 6" of her face pause. Feel the moment.
7. Kiss her. Slowly.
Use this only for good.
posted by probablysteve at 9:46 AM on January 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
I have never "asked a girl out" since I was 16---I've always begun it with a kiss. A sweet simple one that's fast and sort of embarrassing. It's always worked out all right. :)
posted by TomMelee at 12:11 PM on January 23, 2008
posted by TomMelee at 12:11 PM on January 23, 2008
This doesn't so much answer your question as supply a related anecdote, but anyway...
I recently discovered that my best friend and I, of approximately 2 years, were both in love with each other. Now that we're in a relationship, when I (at random) hug her or just smile at her, she has taken to saying things like "You never did that before!" - meaning before we found out about each other's feelings.
Today, we were walking along the street and I kissed her without warning. She looked slightly surprised then smiled and said "You never did that before!" to which I responded, "No, but it would have been a bit odd to do that when we were just friends."
Her response?
"...I'd have loved it."
It really made me wish I had done it then!
As regards your situation, personally, I'd say go for it, but slowly. Something along the lines of twistofrhyme's answer. Give her the opportunity to back out if necessary.
posted by knapah at 2:10 PM on January 23, 2008
I recently discovered that my best friend and I, of approximately 2 years, were both in love with each other. Now that we're in a relationship, when I (at random) hug her or just smile at her, she has taken to saying things like "You never did that before!" - meaning before we found out about each other's feelings.
Today, we were walking along the street and I kissed her without warning. She looked slightly surprised then smiled and said "You never did that before!" to which I responded, "No, but it would have been a bit odd to do that when we were just friends."
Her response?
"...I'd have loved it."
It really made me wish I had done it then!
As regards your situation, personally, I'd say go for it, but slowly. Something along the lines of twistofrhyme's answer. Give her the opportunity to back out if necessary.
posted by knapah at 2:10 PM on January 23, 2008
you should already *know* whether she wants to kiss you
Oh bullshit. Most women's social/sexual cues are so damned subtle that you'd need an electron microscope and Ph. D. to gauge them.
posted by jonmc at 5:25 PM on January 23, 2008
Oh bullshit. Most women's social/sexual cues are so damned subtle that you'd need an electron microscope and Ph. D. to gauge them.
posted by jonmc at 5:25 PM on January 23, 2008
Most women's social/sexual cues are so damned subtle that you'd need an electron microscope and Ph. D. to gauge them.
Or more experience. This ain't rocket science -- you really *should* be able to tell if a girl wants to be, and is ready to be, kissed.
But fine, if you really can't tell one way or the other, go ahead and ask if it's okay to kiss her. Be sure to thank her afterwards, cuz Enroute surely full of shit too. Then complain to your buddies three days later that she's a "freak" who kissed you and now won't return your calls. Sounds like a winning plan.
Seriously, though, even rejection is a learning experience. With every social/sexual interaction you get a little better at reading social/sexual cues. It's a skill like any other.
posted by LordSludge at 6:18 PM on January 23, 2008
Or more experience. This ain't rocket science -- you really *should* be able to tell if a girl wants to be, and is ready to be, kissed.
But fine, if you really can't tell one way or the other, go ahead and ask if it's okay to kiss her. Be sure to thank her afterwards, cuz Enroute surely full of shit too. Then complain to your buddies three days later that she's a "freak" who kissed you and now won't return your calls. Sounds like a winning plan.
Seriously, though, even rejection is a learning experience. With every social/sexual interaction you get a little better at reading social/sexual cues. It's a skill like any other.
posted by LordSludge at 6:18 PM on January 23, 2008
LordSludge, I'm happily married, so it's an academic discussion but I remember what it was like out there in the trenches
you really *should* be able to tell if a girl wants to be, and is ready to be, kissed.
No, not really. Maybe you have special spidey-sense (or more likely want to sound all suave and shit), but no generally women (for whatever reason) are way too fuckinmg subtle.
posted by jonmc at 6:56 PM on January 23, 2008
you really *should* be able to tell if a girl wants to be, and is ready to be, kissed.
No, not really. Maybe you have special spidey-sense (or more likely want to sound all suave and shit), but no generally women (for whatever reason) are way too fuckinmg subtle.
posted by jonmc at 6:56 PM on January 23, 2008
It's not a mystical "special spidey-sense". And it's not any one thing; it's noticing and reading the various cues and piecing them together into a sub-verbal message. Is she turned towards you or away from you? Is she looking into your eyes or does she seem distracted? When your leg brushed against hers, did she pull away or lean hers against yours? When you took her hand, did she pull away or clasp yours in return? Did she really just lick her lips?? And probably 100 other things that I can't even put into words. (And another 100 things I haven't learned yet.)
The cues can be subtle, I agree, but they CAN be learned -- I'm living proof. I'm in the opposite position from you -- that is, newly thrown into the "trenches" (divorced, 3 years ago, after over 10 years with the same girl). When I first started dating again, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I really *couldn't* tell when a girl was ready to be kissed, which led to some spectacular failures and fairly freaked out dates. Over time, I got a little better, a little less awkward, and now I'm pretty decent. Not perfect, but I'm at least 90% correct on the "does she want to be kissed" (by me) question.
Of course I still screw up sometimes, misread signals and such. Eh, ain't nobody perfect, keeps life interesting, and makes for some great Epic Fail stories. I still have plenty to learn and will surely have plenty to learn the day I die. But your statement that IT CAN'T BE DONE is false. Utterly, demonstrably false.
Just be glad you don't have to deal with this stuff anymore!
posted by LordSludge at 8:04 PM on January 23, 2008
The cues can be subtle, I agree, but they CAN be learned -- I'm living proof. I'm in the opposite position from you -- that is, newly thrown into the "trenches" (divorced, 3 years ago, after over 10 years with the same girl). When I first started dating again, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I really *couldn't* tell when a girl was ready to be kissed, which led to some spectacular failures and fairly freaked out dates. Over time, I got a little better, a little less awkward, and now I'm pretty decent. Not perfect, but I'm at least 90% correct on the "does she want to be kissed" (by me) question.
Of course I still screw up sometimes, misread signals and such. Eh, ain't nobody perfect, keeps life interesting, and makes for some great Epic Fail stories. I still have plenty to learn and will surely have plenty to learn the day I die. But your statement that IT CAN'T BE DONE is false. Utterly, demonstrably false.
Just be glad you don't have to deal with this stuff anymore!
posted by LordSludge at 8:04 PM on January 23, 2008
I agree that with many girls the signals are there and can be read. The more flirty/confident the girl is the easier. Also, the whole build up tension thing is golden, but if you guys have fallen into a more comfortable/platonic relationship (either because shes not into you or she thinks you're not into her) the tension build up can be more difficult.
look at her eyes and smile slowly. maybe look at her mouth a little. when the time is right, lean in 60% of the way towards the kiss. look at her. if she leans in at all or tips her chin up to you, you've got a go. lean in the next 30%. you have now leaned in 90%.
wait.
let the girl lean in for the last 10%. she clinches the kiss. don't hit her with your big stubbly man face.
That is perfect.
posted by Defenestrator at 6:44 PM on January 24, 2008
look at her eyes and smile slowly. maybe look at her mouth a little. when the time is right, lean in 60% of the way towards the kiss. look at her. if she leans in at all or tips her chin up to you, you've got a go. lean in the next 30%. you have now leaned in 90%.
wait.
let the girl lean in for the last 10%. she clinches the kiss. don't hit her with your big stubbly man face.
That is perfect.
posted by Defenestrator at 6:44 PM on January 24, 2008
I should add though that with my most recent girlfriend I kiss attacked her in the middle of a movie at the theater and it had pretty much zero romance or tension buildup. She had no idea what had happened even after I was done kissing her (I had no idea what I was doing back then)
We ended up falling in love and often looked back fondly on the awkwardness and non-smoothness of the moment. Case in point, don't worry about this too much. If the girls really likes you and is a keeper then a bad kiss isn't gonna stop that.
posted by Defenestrator at 6:48 PM on January 24, 2008
We ended up falling in love and often looked back fondly on the awkwardness and non-smoothness of the moment. Case in point, don't worry about this too much. If the girls really likes you and is a keeper then a bad kiss isn't gonna stop that.
posted by Defenestrator at 6:48 PM on January 24, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just gently kiss her when the time is right.... smile, and say thank you...
all will be well...
just don't get a lot of spit on her or anything like that! :)
posted by HuronBob at 7:27 PM on January 22, 2008