First Pass/Kiss jitters

June 14, 2007 2:27 AM

How do I get over my nervousness and just make a pass or just kiss the girl now I'm seeing?

In my teens and 20's, I was a jerk. And truthfully, that was the persona that got me dates, first kisses and more. Now I'm in my early 30's and I've somehow mellowed out. I noticed this change with my previous GF and with the girl I'm now dating. Or might be dating...things are a little unclear.

She and I have mutual friends, and 50% of the time we're in a large group of friends ands 50% of the time it's just the 2 of us. Two of our friends tell me that I'd better absolutely, positively, show her that I want to date her before I get sent into the "Just Friends" category.

This time around it feels important for me to get things right. For lack of a better description, she and I seem to lose about 20 IQ points when we're together. We had a giggling fit in a restaurant because of something stupid that one of us did. Someone yelled at us to "get a room" and that caused another avalanche of laughter. We, also, didn't get a room...

Now that I'm older I feel oddly unprepared for the start of an adult relationship. Ok, I probably am. I've got one person telling me to just put my hand on her knee and other who says just go for the kiss when our heads are just a few inches apart. I think that 2 good opportunities to kiss her have gone by already. Somehow the idea doesn't form until that moment has just gone away.

So my question is what do I so she knows I want to date her? And how do I get rid this mental block that I seem to have?

posted by Cog to human relations (39 comments total)

I was a jerk. And truthfully, that was the persona that got me dates, first kisses and more.

It wasn't "being a jerk" that got you all of that. It was another part of that persona—confidence. So while you once might have kissed a woman because you didn't care what you thought, now you should kiss her because you think it is what she wants. Sounds like you sense that somehow.
posted by grouse at 2:33 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Your description made me think of Transactional Analysis, a form of psychology in which personalities are split into child, adult and parent states.

The idea is that successful interactions between people take place when certain types of personalities talk to other personalities. Healthy grown-up relationships are adult< ->adult. Unhealthy grown-up relationships are parent< ->adult or even parent< ->child.

I wonder if the two of you aren't locked in child< ->child, and need to shift it up to adult< ->adult. Just be a little more sensible and in-control of yourselves. Being adult doesn't mean not having fun. You can switch between states, of course. But to achieve what you want, one or both of you might need to step-up the maturity just a little.
posted by humblepigeon at 2:36 AM on June 14, 2007

Sometimes you have to do something when there is no "opportunity" present. Just take her somewhere nice, tell her you want to kiss her and kiss her.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:07 AM on June 14, 2007

Just ask, sort of bashfully, "Can I kiss you?"

I can't claim to be an expert or anything, but I find it irresistably charming.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:51 AM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Probably best to find a way not to think how. How about a nice but not over the top gesture like flowers, followed by some time alone with her.

A first kiss is always awkward. You can't work it all out in your mind ahead of time.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:13 AM on June 14, 2007

I was about to offer the same advice as louche mustachio. Who isn't a sucker for the bashful/sweet routine? And, better yet, with you it isn't a routine. It sounds like it's how you are. Play that card. And, as gesamtkunstwerk says, first kisses are always tres awkward. You can plan them 99 times and they will never work out that way. You just need to take a risk.
posted by sneakin at 4:25 AM on June 14, 2007

Why do you have to start with a kiss? Take her hand while sitting across from eachother. Kiss that. It's less violating of her personal space, leaving you with plenty of face as a gentleman if she's already got you in the friends category. And, if you're reading things right, you'll go directly to the kiss you want.
posted by Goofyy at 4:33 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Duuuuudes. Don't do what the nerds are telling you with giving flowers and all that akward stuff. It just makes distance between you. Instead, invite her over to your place for a movie. Why this?

1. If she does not want to, she'll say no, so no bad

Get a horror movie. Horror movies are GREAT for this. Make sure you have good wine, but NO FOOD! Position a sofa strategically and get rid of the other seats so one basically has to sit on the sofa to watch the movie.

Well, she comes, you both sit outside for a bit, drinking wine. Make sure half the bottle is gone by the time you start watching the horror movie.

Okay, you both sit on the sofa, a friendly distance between you, and you start watching the movie.

(Oh by the way, if I may make a side comment. Do NOT watch Saw, Saw 2, Hostel or the Hill have Eyes or any such horror movie with lots of blood and guts spilling all over the place. It KILL the atmosphere. What you're looking for are movies like The Ring, Dead Silence etc.)

Now, you're both a bit tipsy, and as soon as the first jump scene comes, she will grab at you. You pull her towards you and make her snuggle in your arms.

There is just 1 more thing you have to do before nature takes its course.

Start rubbing her back.

That's the end of my instructions, because the rest is written by millenia of genetic programming.

(By the way, this works really good in winter, because you turn down the heat and get a thik blanket. Nothing like a man and a woman underneath a blanket to get things moving.)

And by the way, no matter what anyone above says, presents and flowers and restaurants are not conducive to a romantic start at the stage you are in. Those I call the Waterfall model, in that you have to jump off a big cliff. I prefer this "Stair Model". Each step is individually easy, but together they have the same effect of getting you were in you want to be.
posted by markovich at 4:33 AM on June 14, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I'd say don't go for the bashful awkward thing. Be confident going in for the kiss. If she does or doesn't respond well, stay confident. As you know from the "jerk" phase, women tend to respond well to confidence, no matter the source. Don't act unsure or defeated before you've even given it a try.
posted by shinynewnick at 5:10 AM on June 14, 2007

Hey, there's no problem with bashful/awkward. If that seems most comfortable to you, go for it. I once had a wonderful, multi-year relationship start exactly that way (At the end of the night, "can I kiss you?", then a quick peck on the lips. Then he was embarrassed and hopped on his bike and sped away. Very silly! But it broke the ice.)
posted by wyzewoman at 5:16 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Do not watch a horror movie. Watch The Little Mermaid. When Sebastian starts his deepbass crooning in the blue lagoon "sha lalalalala don't be scared, you've got the mood prepared, go on and kiss the girl" you are totally made.

mileage may vary.
posted by bluenausea at 5:37 AM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

ANother vote for verbalizing. The the bashful awkward thing (definitely cute and appealing) has variations. One of my most memorable first kisses started out with the statement "I'd very much like to kiss you now." Nothing bashful and awkward about his delivery and my heart skittered. I replied "I think you should."
posted by idest at 5:45 AM on June 14, 2007

In my experience, horror films work way better. Last time I tried the spiel above with a cartoon, I fell asleep and started snoring. That was not cool.

First cater to your tastes, then to hers.

Confidence is the key dude, that shy thing is the type of thing that women say is so "sweet", before hopping on the dick of the guy with the 1200cc motorbike they just met.

You need to go about this thing in the everything or nothing mentality. Move in like it was vietnam. You either win or you don't come home.
posted by markovich at 5:46 AM on June 14, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

There is a reason that alcohol is called a social lubricant.
posted by LarryC at 5:47 AM on June 14, 2007

Speaking as a real live girl, I'm gonna second gooffyy:

"Why do you have to start with a kiss? Take her hand while sitting across from eachother. Kiss that. It's less violating of her personal space, leaving you with plenty of face as a gentleman if she's already got you in the friends category. And, if you're reading things right, you'll go directly to the kiss you want."

Hell, that made me stupid and blushy, just reading and thinking about it.
posted by headspace at 6:22 AM on June 14, 2007

A variant of the Annie Hall rule worked for me once when I noticed visible nervousness on the part of my lunch companion.

"You know, we never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?"

posted by commander_cool at 6:27 AM on June 14, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'm no expert, but you like her and she likes you. That won't change from one small misstep. Continue being yourself, since that's what she likes. Tell her how you feel and what you want.
posted by RussHy at 6:34 AM on June 14, 2007

If you're only interested in hanging out with her as long as it leads to a relationship, aggressive confident is great.

If you'd like to maintain a friendship even should it turn out that she's not interested in a relationship, go for a more hands off (but still imho confident) approach. Suggestion: "Would you like to go to x with me, on a date?"

To get rid of your mental block, you can envision yourself being on a roller coaster. That first hill is really hard, but you've got moters a script, so you can do it, just keep thinking "I think I can, I think I can" and stick to the magic sentence. After that, it's all down hill. Go on. What are you waiting for?

(I can also tell you what does NOT work. That would be telling her to close her eyes and reaching out like she has something on her glasses. The best that can happen is that she recoils in horror... The worst is that she trustingly, unsuspectingly closes her eyes, actually thinking that you're about to remove a spot from her glasses.......)
posted by anaelith at 6:35 AM on June 14, 2007

You say that two good chances to deliver the first kiss have presented themselves, but you only realized just after the moment had passed? Say so.
Say "wow, i really wanted to kiss you right then". It's non confrontational, it doesn't just force itself, so if she's keen to play hockey then she'll probably say "why didnt you?"
posted by chrisbucks at 6:45 AM on June 14, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Watch The Little Mermaid.

what? if some dude invited me over to watch "the little (freaking) mermaid," i'm not gonna be thinking he wants to kiss me—or any other girl for that matter.

sounds like she digs you, so no matter how it happens, she's gonna dig it. if you are just way too nervous, i'm gonna suggest throwing some alcohol into the mix.
posted by violetk at 7:30 AM on June 14, 2007

So my question is what do I so she knows I want to date her?

"I like you. I want to date you. "

And then, when she says yes, you kiss her.

Do this preferably in a nice dim bar after ingesting several drinks while on a couch.

That's how you do it. It's not rocket science.
posted by Stynxno at 7:46 AM on June 14, 2007

In my teens and 20's, I was a jerk. And truthfully, that was the persona that got me dates, first kisses and more. Now I'm in my early 30's and I've somehow mellowed out.....how do I get rid this mental block that I seem to have?


I think you need to look deep within yourself, find that inner wuss, and evict it. Seriously though, it's something that affects 99% of us at a certain point in life, where uncertainty takes hold of us and drags us by our feet. You need to recognize what is going on...and assume the helm at creating tension and anticipation which came naturally when you were younger. Most importanly, keep up the fun parts that are working...but also work in a two steps forward, one step back approach to have her wanting to give stronger signals that she wants to be kissed. I think the one thing you're missing here is the chemistry tension creates....good luck!
posted by samsara at 7:58 AM on June 14, 2007

Invite her on a "kissing date". Also I like Annie Hall... but really, its her. We don't know her... you should be able to figure it out. What if she doesn't like horror movies?
posted by ewkpates at 8:00 AM on June 14, 2007

You have a mental block because she's the One. Seriously, you are head over heels and don't want to mess this up.

Ignore your friends' advice about a timeline and just kiss her when it feels right. The fact that moments have gone by when you realized you could have kissed her and didn't will just make it sweeter when it finally happens.

Anticipation is a forgotten art.

And when you do kiss her? Don't ask first. Confidence is sexy as hell.
posted by misha at 8:16 AM on June 14, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm a girl, and I hate hate hate that markovich has a formula for this. It strikes me as creepy and arrogant, and it sounds like something the 20-something jerk would say. BUT - it also sounds like something that would work. Tread carefully though, because actions that smell like a tried-and-true method will make her think you're trying to get into her pants, using the same methods that have worked on the last 10 girls this year. Gross.
posted by vytae at 9:04 AM on June 14, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

If you get drunk before watching The Ring and then give a woman a backrub, you will score

You don't even need to do all that to score. This female likes you. You like her. You can set up cheezy dominos if you like, but you just need to remember (write it down and read it if you need to)

"She likes me. I like her."

The rest is all bullcrap that melts away. Ask her to do something where you can be alone. Sit next to her. Kiss her when there's a quiet moment.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:35 AM on June 14, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

I may be crazy and old-fashioned, but why not ask her out on a date?

I have had guy friends who asked me out. It's a lot less weird than some ludicrous seduction scenario that may or may not pan out. Plus, you can tell from her response to "Hey... do you want to get dinner and see a movie this weekend? Just you and me?" if she's amenable to the idea of a date, and if she's amenable to the idea of a date, she's also probably amenable to the idea of a post-date smooch.

And then, when you drop her off and have stopped giggling (PS, if you're making each other giggle, SHE TOTALLY LIKES YOU.), look at her and smile, tell her you had a really good time and you're glad you got over yourself and asked her out. Then there will be an awkward pause. Then you can hold her hand a toy with her fingers a little. And then, if she doesn't go "UM, I have to go inside now", you can kiss her.

And don't force the kissing. Don't try to turn it into the world's Most Hot Makeout Session. It sounds like you really, really like this girl. Go slow.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:45 AM on June 14, 2007

What vytae said except....(and I am never one to criticize, however in this case) markovich's advice and the "systems" sound totally retarded.

Your first kiss has to "flow". My last encounter with this was sort of odd but effective. The kisser (him) would put his face very near mine for a second, or otherwise get very close to me to talk several times (we were at a crowded loud restaurant) this "pull in/pull back" action seemed to solve the awkward proximity issue and I was more comfortable having his face nearer to mine (I am horribly shy and vaporlock around men I'm actually attracted to - he sensed this). Then, later alone together sitting on the patio facing each other, he took my hands in his, pulled me toward him and kissed me very briefly without saying much (I was nervously chattering away and he stopped me mid word!). Then the kissing was ON after that.

Sexy as hell and dead simple.
posted by Carnage Asada at 10:15 AM on June 14, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just chiming in for sweet and bashful... gets me every time. You can keep the motorbike (unless of course the driver is bashful).
posted by MiffyCLB at 10:42 AM on June 14, 2007

How do you get over your nervousness? I would say first you recognize it for what it is: fear. You don't know if she wants to date you. She doesn't know if you want to date her. Girl here, and if I want to kiss someone I try and go for it -- she can kiss you, too, and she hasn't. Sounds to me like the two of you are not kissing b/c you are both afraid of rejection and also afraid of not being rejected. You could really work on your fears, etc, etc or you could conquer them for just one evening with alcohol or try to overwhelm the fear with a different emotion (like horror movie fear or whatever emotions little mermaid might bring up), but basically what you are dealing with is rejection fear. Would it be so awful if it doesn't work out? Nah, it will be okay. Try to tell yourself that, but I know, easier said than done.
posted by Eringatang at 10:49 AM on June 14, 2007

Get a horror movie. Horror movies are GREAT for this. Make sure you have good wine, but NO FOOD! Position a sofa strategically and get rid of the other seats so one basically has to sit on the sofa to watch the movie.

Dude, whatever you do, don't do that. Seriously, that's very creepy.

I endorse thehmsbeagle's advice. Just ask her out, and be sure to specify, "on a date." Things should be clear after that.
posted by zennie at 1:25 PM on June 14, 2007

/me seconds the "creepy" consensus. Be yourself.

WRT to the assumption that if you wait too long, you will get put in the "friend" category, and would never find your way out, here's a short analysis.

IME, women perform a basic triage. They put men into the following rough categories.

1. Friend she would like to date.
2. Friend she could date.
3. Friend she doesn't want to date.

This doesn't happen right away (except for #3. #3 occurs if she is not attracted to you. At all. At which point, you are sunk unless something dramatic happens which changes her level of attraction to you).

For the purpose of this discussion, let's consider #1 and #2.

Generally, if a girl is attracted to you (which this girl appears to be), she puts you in category 1. If neither of you make it plain that you'd like to date, she gives up, and you get put into category 2.

It's possible (sometimes even easy) to move out of category 2, but it's not a given. If you get put into #2, and you decide you'd like to date her, you need to be more aggressive than you would have to be if you were still in your category 1 state. Make your intentions plain, but prepare to be shot down if she is otherwise engaged.

An addendum WRT #3:

If you approach a girl and she turns you down with the "I don't think of you that way because you are my friend" line, it's because you are in category 3, and she's trying to avoid hurting your feelings. What she really means is "I don't think of you that way because I find you unattractive."

Good luck.
posted by Void_Ptr at 1:51 PM on June 14, 2007

Um. Cog isn't looking for advice on how to get laid. He seems to be good at that already. He wants to be comfortable with himself.

You can't follow these things step by step. Be honest. It's pretty easy to get laid by being smooth. But it seems like Cog wants the opposite-- he wants to be comfortable with his love interest. That's gotta come from inside him.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:44 PM on June 14, 2007

markovich wins.
posted by davidmsc at 9:17 PM on June 14, 2007

Soooo...um, keep us posted.

I want to know how if this works out.

But seriously, if you haven't already, kiss her. Repeatedly. As well as you can.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:23 AM on June 16, 2007

I remember one time, I was out with a group of people at dinner, and there was this one guy there I'd been friends with who let that dinner be where he let me know he was interested in me. Because up to that point, I had NO idea.

He made sure, in the group, to sit right next to me and he just kept moving a little closer as we talked until our legs were touching. At that point I was like, "hmm..... his leg is totally pressed up against my leg. That's odd." But after a few minutes, I was thinking, "hmm... I like how it feels when his leg is pressed up against my leg. It's nice."

I suppose if I wasn't interested, I would've just kept moving away from him until I fell off the end of the booth. But I stayed and he knew he had a greenlight. That night, he kissed me for the first time and it rocked my world.

To me, that kind of smooth move might be a little less risky that the out-of the-blue kiss, but you know, I sometimes have to be clubbed over the head when a guy likes me. Maybe by now you've kissed her already? Do let us know....
posted by Sabine3283 at 6:00 AM on June 24, 2007

UPDATE

We kissed tonight. At the very end of the night.

There's going to be a lack of specific/geographic details since I'm a bit paranoid. I was able to see her today on short notice and I had already decided that the day wasn't going to end without a kiss. We started the day by having lunch with a few of her friends, then we went to an exhibition. Public displays of affections are not my thing, and having lots of children around the exhibition didn't help either. I wasn't able to smoothly manuevour us to a quiet corner for a kiss. Although I tried... I swear. I did however, lightly touch her on the arms and shoulders to gauge her reaction. I have a tough time reading her.

Sometime in the afternoon, we got on the subject of 1st kisses. She confessed to slapping the guy who suprised her with her very 1st kiss. It only threw me off for a second...but I was already determined.

After the exhibition, we took a walk around the nearby tourist-y venue. Then we had dinner, and drove back to her house. We then walked her dog. Ok, I admit, we walked a lot today. At this point we had spent about 10 hours together. When we got back to her house, we hugged and I had my hands around her waist. Durig the hug, I locked my hands together to prevent her from escaping too quickly. But it wasn't necessary. Right after the hug, she nudged the tip of my nose with the tip of her nose. I'm not dense enough to ignore that invitation...

We kissed about 4 times, gently, she said "Ok", and escaped my arms. Finally, she walked inside her house and called her dog to go inside.

Yeah, I like the sassy ones.
posted by Cog at 12:15 AM on June 25, 2007

Oh yeah, no alcohol involved.
posted by Cog at 12:21 AM on June 25, 2007

nice! I think a slap would have made a great story too :)
posted by Chris4d at 3:51 PM on September 21, 2007