Well, at least she isn't hung up on her ex...

December 27, 2008 8:34 PM

Help me fix a (hopefully) temporary problem: how to explain to potential boyfriends that I've never been in a relationship before. (I am a 24 year old straight female.)

I'm a mid-twenties straight(ish) female who has never had sex or been in a relationship of any kind. I'm not too broken up about it - my life is really fulfilling on most other levels - but I do find my inexperience embarrassing to talk about even with friends and I can't imagine how hard it will be to explain to future boyfriends.

(Just some history, in case it helps - I've never been in a relationship or had sex but I've done my fair share of coffee dates and drunken making out/fooling around, none of which have led farther than a single date. I've asked a couple of guys out (no luck, obviously) and been asked out by two friends who I just wasn't that into and didn't want to lead on.)

To be honest, I'm not sure why I haven't had a boyfriend before. I think it is a combination of low self-confidence (which I'm mostly over now) and just being really busy with my life. However, I'm worried that guys will see it as either:

a) I am so unattractive & unappealing that no one else would date me.
or
b) I am secretly an awful person with terrible hang ups that would make dating me a nightmare.

Obviously those are exaggerations, and I know that if a guy really likes me, he won't care - but I'm worried that if this comes up before we're at that stage, it'll just derail everything. So, AskMe, I want to know - how soon is it likely to come up, and how? What's the best way to deal with it? I would prefer brushing it aside or putting it off in another way that doesn't look weird *or* make guys feel like they've been misled later on. Is there a good/accepted way to do that? Would a simple "I'd prefer not to talk about that" do the trick?

Finally, because why not - if a guy hears that I've never had a boyfriend before and assumes there's something wrong with me - is he maybe right? I'm not a fan of judging people just because they're outside the norm, but, well, clearly I'm not an expert on these things. How would you react if a potential romantic interest told you they'd never been in a LTR before? Would you be weirded out?

I'll be watching and can answer any questions you guys might have for me.

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

"Eh, it just never really happened for me." Isn't that the truth? Look, you're not very old. It's not going to be a very big deal to anyone who really likes you. No "I'd prefer not to discuss it" or anything. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just treat it like what it is -- one very small fact amidst the great number of them that comprise you as an individual.
posted by hermitosis at 8:44 PM on December 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

If it was me, a 28 year old guy, I wouldn't be freaked at all. I don't think it is anything to be ashamed about.

As for when to mention it: I would just mention it in matter of fact manner when the conversation of exes comes up.
posted by cuando at 8:45 PM on December 27, 2008

Most guys dont want to spend really any amount of time talking about guys that are not them. If it even comes up (unlikely) the fact that youve never been in a long term relationship alone doesn't say anything to me, other than you're a late bloomer and obviously are not needy and have other stuff going on (which is attractive). This really isn't a big deal at all.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 8:46 PM on December 27, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm not really sure why it would come up.

At least in my experience, the Discussion of Past Relationships has come up after the relationship has begun in earnest, not before. It's not something I'd probably talk about on an early date, and I think it's totally acceptable to defer discussion of it (being pretty blunt if necessary, if the guy won't drop the subject) during the first few dates, after which point it won't really matter.

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not want to rehash their past while on a date, so I don't even think that deferring will really mark you as "OMG relationshipvirgin!" If anything, people may assume that you just got out of a relationship and don't want to get into it.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:47 PM on December 27, 2008

Hi Ms. Mountain, you sure look like a molehill to me.

I don't think that your lack of LTR experience is an issue in the slightest. If people ask about past boyfriends you say, "Nah, never really had one... just dated around, never really clicked with anybody," and life goes on. Lots and LOTS of people make it to 24 without any LTRs... I certainly made it to 22 without any partnership that lasted longer than a month (and then met my later-to-be wife basically on that birthday).

As for your virginity... meh. There'll be some folks who're a little weirded out by it; there'll be some folks who are overjoyed to get to take your virginity. Don't mention it until you're naked, and there won't be a problem; very few men are capable of turning down sex with a woman who's nude, in front of them, and asking for it. The standard line there is, "I've never done this before. Be gentle." Maybe with a little giggle.

Also, in case you hadn't caught on, romantic comedies are vicious lies.
posted by Netzapper at 8:48 PM on December 27, 2008

yep. i agree with all that. i don't think you're required to explain or mention unless asked. if asked, just be honest.

the thing is; you have been in relationships before, just not romantic ones. if you have long term friends, then you know pretty much what you need to know. be honest. be sensitive. be caring. the rest is just sex and you'll figure that out quick enough when you want to.
posted by xz at 8:50 PM on December 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

In your mid-twenties and not in a long-term relationship before isn't a problem. I have a bunch of friends like that with a bunch of reasons why--concentrating on career (even in college), "didn't want to get tied down," bad experiences when younger, etc. You are not alone, and you are not abnormal.

I don't see any reason why your past lack of relationship experience should come up. If it does, you should find it pretty easy to redirect the conversation to the present, or you can just say "Let's not talk about that, I'd rather talk about [non-threatening subject x]." From personal experience, "revelations" like yours don't usually come up until you've been dating a while and are comfortable with each other. If your date pries during coffee or dinner, rest assured he's the one with the problem, not you.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:54 PM on December 27, 2008

I remember being extremely self-conscious of this in my early twenties. I was 25 when I first had both of those. Frankly, from the perspective of 30, it seems ridiculous that I worried about it at all. It's just flat out not a big deal. Tell them or don't; the reaction will most likely be "huh. that's unusual. okay, let's fuck."
posted by mpls2 at 9:01 PM on December 27, 2008

a) I am so unattractive & unappealing that no one else would date me.orb) I am secretly an awful person with terrible hang ups that would make dating me a nightmare.

I don't mean to be flip, but guys don't make romantic decisions based on this.

Your problem is the opposite. Not nice men might see your lack of experience as something to exploit. Be safe and be sure to make sure that whatever you are doing with whomever is something you are certain you want.

I'd be sure to pick sweet over slick.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:22 PM on December 27, 2008 [4 favorites]

In my experience, men want what other men want.

Obviously there's no need to lie, and you're not some kind of freak, but it's not "not a big deal" either. I think the virginity is less of a problem than the lack of LTRs, because (and I'm imagining the other person's point of view) virginity can easily be assumed to have been your choice. With the relationships, I'd make sure to spin it that way. How I feel (and feel free to plagiarize) is that today's emphasis on serial monogamy is not for me, and that if I don't feel like a relationship with a person is going somewhere, even after a few dates, then I'm out, and I don't feel like dragging on in something for months and years just for the sake of being in a relationship. In any case, I'd definitely omit the whole asking guys out and being rejected thing, etc; just brush along the subject, implying that you never found anyone suitable for a long-term relationship.

It's like for a job interview -- if you've been unemployed, bumming around for several months, you'd spin it in the most positive way possible, and try to make it like it was your decision and that you were doing something productive with the time, but overall you'd spend as little time as necessary on the subject. Like an interview, you'd never outright lie, or omit something that would be important, but you want to put yourself in the best light possible, especially in the beginning when people are forming their first impressions. One drop of ink colors the whole glass of water or whatever the saying is.
posted by thebazilist at 10:53 PM on December 27, 2008

How would you react if a potential romantic interest told you they'd never been in a LTR before? Would you be weirded out?

If offered as an admission of a guilty, shameful secret? Possibly weirded out, but not for the reasons you may think. Look, your previous emotional entanglements are really none of their business. If the dates progress to relationship and there's some moments of awkward, a simple "not very experienced" will suffice; omitting gory details (assuming there were any) would be the polite thing anyway. You have nothing for which to apologize.
posted by desuetude at 10:55 PM on December 27, 2008

I don't think you need to worry about it, you can just say you haven't had much in the way of relationships, but regarding sex, I think he'd prefer to know it's your first time. (Perhaps when you've made out a bit, but probably aren't going to do much more that night, and the relationship looks like something you want, thus you'd be telling him ahead of time in case you'd both like to make a date for it and go all out as a special occasion, rather than just let it happen.)

You could also use the words "I was a bit of a late bloomer".
(For a lot of guys, late bloomer = gold. (The early bloomers often get a bit warped from growing up with men admiring them, or even learning that special treatment is their due. Regular people who have bloomed without being warped have often been either snapped up early for marriage. Late bloomers tend to have the magic combination of having great personality forged by a hard world instead of an easy one, yet are single, not to mention the additional possibility that they've yet to hit their peak.)
posted by -harlequin- at 12:58 AM on December 28, 2008

If you are in San Francisco, my 22-year-old nephew would be thrilled to meet you. The young-and-horny-guys crowd is not insubstantial, but some guys aren't drooling for sex casual or otherwise, aren't trying to cajole, plead, BS their way into the sack. As maybe a subtle part of that, they respect, admire and seek women who've followed what feels best and right to them rather than do things because of hormones, because their peers are doing them and/or out of curiosity.

Prospects aside, if someone's going to come apart or flee because of your situation, far better to see that reality sooner rather than later.

Too, this may be an oversimplification, but on some level, if things are fundamentally right and good, stuff like this is less than trivial.
posted by ambient2 at 1:18 AM on December 28, 2008

If they ask, you can just say, "Eh, nothing serious." I mean, it's the truth. It's not like you've never had human contact before.

I was mostly posting to say if someone said they don't "want to talk about it," it would give me a much more negative impression than simply never having had a relationship. I would wonder if you had terrible, traumatic past relationships, or if you'd done something embarrassing or juvenile to end them, or who knows what else. In other words, often people say that because they want to avoid a long discussion about something they feel is bad, and that seems to be your reasoning... but given that it's really not that bad, I don't think you should say something like that and give the impression it's a big deal.
posted by Nattie at 1:32 AM on December 28, 2008

Finally, because why not - if a guy hears that I've never had a boyfriend before and assumes there's something wrong with me - is he maybe right? I'm not a fan of judging people just because they're outside the norm, but, well, clearly I'm not an expert on these things. How would you react if a potential romantic interest told you they'd never been in a LTR before? Would you be weirded out?

No. If I heard that every guy who went out with you broke it off after two months, then I would assume that something bad was going to happen around month two. But if no guy ever went out with you, then no guy has any more information about your relationship habits than I do, so it means nothing. Besides which, guys aren't Sherlock Holmes piecing the fucking clues together when they go out on dates. It is not like a job interview. I am not making an objective assessment of your suitability for relationships. I am only asking myself questions like: is she hot and exciting? Do we get along? Do I truly respect her? Will she get on my nerves in the long run? Do we have the same interests? Etc. But the most important factor is just: am I attracted to this person? ... No-one will ask to see your resume.

Bring up your romantic history whenever you feel like it. Maybe it'll happen to come up on the first date, in which case I would just be open about it, or maybe it'll come up after a year of dating...in the abstract, no-one knows when it will come up. There's not a protocoll.

a) I am so unattractive & unappealing that no one else would date me.
or
b) I am secretly an awful person with terrible hang ups that would make dating me a nightmare.

a is subjective. If I find you unattractive and unappealing, then yeah, that's pretty much a deal-breaker. But if I find you attractive and appealing, why would I care whether some random assortment of anonymous other guys found you unattractive and unappealing? b is something I could only find out after dating you, so, again, no-one has any more information than I do.

And again, no guy on a date with you is putting nearly as much thought into this as you. If they like you, they're thinking about taking your shirt off...that's it.

I would tell him you're a virgin before you have sex. It would be best to tell him when you're already naked, as Netzapper said.
posted by creasy boy at 2:24 AM on December 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd have no problem with it. I think it's an advantage for the guy. And slightly charming.
posted by sully75 at 6:47 AM on December 28, 2008

creasy boy: "And again, no guy on a date with you is putting nearly as much thought into this as you. If they like you, they're thinking about taking your shirt off...that's it.

I would tell him you're a virgin before you have sex. It would be best to tell him when you're already naked, as Netzapper said."

I may be weird, but I would very much rather not hear from a girl that I just got naked with, "Oh yeah, I'm a virgin." It's like you're throwing someone a box, and in midair, they say, "Oh yeah, that's some precious china." It's an impossible, awkward position.

This is not to say that virginity is a dealbreaker. It's just that for me, personally, there's a different set of rules I'd play by, a different mindset I'd like to be in, if it's the other person's first time. This is important to some people.

And honestly, yes, the whole thing is a little bit of a big deal. Not because you're ridiculously messed up, but because LTRs are not something that people are magically good at with just a little bit of love. Experience counts. First relationships are often filled with drama (whether this is a highschool thing or a first love thing, I'm not sure, but I'd guess the latter) about petty jealousies, about whether or not you're supposed to be spending every waking second with each other, and so on.

These are all things to work past, of course, but it would make me cautious in such a relationship. And perhaps this is what you want. There is shit that I would not accept in a relationship unless I knew that the woman hadn't been there before.

My advice, therefore, is find a good guy (an actual nice guy) and divulge early as appropriate. That is to say, don't bring it up out of nowhere, but if the topic comes up a little bit, just put it out there.

Lastly, despite being a bad thing, this is not a shameful thing. You've gotta just accept this is who you are and put yourself out there, realizing that it's not an ideal situation.
posted by TypographicalError at 7:07 AM on December 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've had lots of friends who had never had a boyfriend until about 25. I do remember them agonizing over it, and I won't say it was totally irrelevant, but it worked out for all of them and now that they're married, or in very LTRs, or on their second or third LTRs, it really seems like nothing.

I think your best advice for how to deal with this slight issue is what Nattie said - don't make a big deal about it by saying you don't want to talk about it. Just casually say you've had no serious boyfriend history. And if it comes up some more - which I think may happen and is fine - say you've just never found the right guy, and you've been enjoying yourself on your own in the meantime. I think - as long as you're also conveying that you're interested in this boy - that should make you come off as reasonably confident, which is generally an attractive quality.
posted by n'muakolo at 7:29 AM on December 28, 2008

1) Forget what "most guys" want. You're not looking for most guys. You're looking for maybe a couple of guys you're compatible with. And compatibility means, among other things, that he appreciates the way you like to approach things. So if this is the approach you want to take

I would prefer brushing it aside or putting it off in another way that doesn't look weird *or* make guys feel like they've been misled later on.

then take it and look for guys who appreciate it. There certainly are men out there who won't give a rat's ass about your sexual history, who'll be happy to put it aside and talk about other things. They're the ones to go out on a second date with. And sure, there are others out there who will think your lack of ex-boyfriends is the single most important thing about you, but the hell with that — don't try to modify your behavior or your outlook to fit in with them, just don't call them back.

2) But since we're all chiming in, for my money, this

If offered as an admission of a guilty, shameful secret? Possibly weirded out, but not for the reasons you may think.

is the best advice you've gotten here.

In my book, shame and regret and "Oh God I'm such a freak!" are turn-offs, but unusual life histories aren't. Dating a virgin who's ashamed of it? That would be weird. Dating a woman with an average amount of relationship experience who's ashamed of it? That would be weird. Dating a woman with lots and lots of experience who's ashamed of it? That would be weird. Dating anyone, regardless of their experience, who can say "Yeah, this is the life I've lived, and I'm proud of it warts and all"? Oh hell yes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:58 AM on December 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't say your situation is problematic straight away but you didn't note anything about him. How (in)experienced is he? I was in an uneven relationship with someone nearly 10 years younger, very little experience and it became increasingly difficult towards disasterous. If your situation becomes meaningful and problems surface don't hesitate to seek out advice from others. Your note of a) and b) in your questions is interesting --you'll need to get through that really quick in a serious, demanding relationship. Do be cautious, but not permanently so, of the exploitative issue as was mentioned previously. There is nothing to be ashamed/fearful of with this.
posted by ezekieldas at 8:42 AM on December 28, 2008

This was me at 23, and here's how I played it once I was dating a guy:

He knew that I was a virgin long before we got near the bedroom. He also knew it was just because I hadn't found anyone I wanted to sleep with yet. I may have been purposely vague when talking about my dating past, but I'm not sure since that was 8 years ago.

I'd tell him that you haven't had any serious relationships yet and have the virgin conversation before you are naked. If being serious is a prerequisite for you, don't spell that out for him unless he asks. If you don't feel the relationship is serious enough for you, be clear with him that you are not ready, yet. Also be clear with him how far you are willing to go. If you don't know, have a point in mind and when you reach that point (ask him to "hold on" if you must) decide if you want to go farther. Don't let him make the decision for you.

On the other hand, if you would just rather get it over with, the virgin conversation can also be the "please help me stop being one, teehee" conversation as well. As all above have said, most guys are not judging you based on your previous experience and those who do are probably not for you.
posted by soelo at 8:43 AM on December 28, 2008

The relationship noob thing isn't too big a deal, but a lot of posters are downplaying the virgin issue. It's 100% a dealbreaker for me, sorry (not because it says anything about your personality though, I just don't need the pressure of being someone's first.) I don't see any absolute reason to tell a guy that unless he asks right out. Though if you really want a long term relationship this might blow his mind (negatively) after the sex.

So I think the consensus here is either don't say nothin until you've been on like ten dates and sexually active for a while, OR bring it up early and easily, as if it isn't too big a deal and that will filter out the jaded jerks like me who only want a lady that's been around the block a few hundred times. Maybe put it in your Match profile? (Kidding).
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:15 AM on December 28, 2008

You're 24. if you were 34, it would be an issue to deal with. But you're 24.

A guy to whom that is a dealbreaker is not a gentleman with which you would wish to have any kind of serious congress, sexual or otherwise. So use it as a litmus filter.

I do think the answer "no, nothing serious" is correct and also ACCURATE. "I'd prefer not to talk about that" would put up red lights and isn't accurate either.

As for your virginity, they may or may not assume such from your "no, nothing serious" statement. Again, have the talk before you're naked, but only after you're comfortable with whomever it is.

On the other hand, your virginity is your business. It's your choice to share that information - or not share that information - with anyone you wish. I'm going to be radical here and say that you're not required to tell anyone that.
posted by micawber at 10:18 AM on December 28, 2008

I have dated a woman like you before. I actually moved to SoCal to live with her. Be honest, tell him, he likely will not care at all.
posted by schyler523 at 10:23 AM on December 28, 2008

When I was in your shoes and this subject came up, guys didn't really care. However, they were surprised, and usually didn't believe me ("You've never had a boyfriend? You're lying!"), but it was never a huge issue. It didn't even come up with my current boyfriend until we were a couple, and I didn't even realize how much of a non-issue it was until I admitted it for the last time.

Just remember that your long-term singlehood is not a defining feature. Don't focus on it to the point that it becomes one.
posted by phatkitten at 11:59 AM on December 28, 2008

Up until my current partner, I had never been in a long term relationship before either (I'm 23 now). I remember thinking that there was something wrong because I hadn't had a relationship before, but none of the guys I went on dates seemed to cared at all. I just didn't waste my time with guys I knew I wouldn't like... if there were things I knew I wouldn't live with (ie. certain political affiliations, hunting etc.) then I would just move on... there wasn't anything wrong with me.. just as I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you. Plus... guys like to think that they can be the first to 'wow' you in all aspects (relationship wise and intimacy).

I don't think you owe any guy an explanation on your previous dating experience, unless you feel like giving it. I also

Also, if they get scared away because you've never dated long-term or 'gone all the way' then you don't want them. If it only takes a little thing like that to scare them away... just imagine when something worth worrying about comes along. Let them leave if they're that judgmental!
posted by DorothySmith at 5:02 PM on December 28, 2008

On the other hand, your virginity is your business. It's your choice to share that information - or not share that information - with anyone you wish. I'm going to be radical here and say that you're not required to tell anyone that.

You're not required, but it would make things much easier - he won't assume you already have a clue about the basics or a comfort level that you don't yet have. There's nothing shameful in the admission that you just haven't had intercourse before. I'm with Typo though, I'd let your guy know before you got naked.
posted by canine epigram at 10:44 AM on December 29, 2008

I was in a similar situation. I can't remember anyone even asking about my relationship history until I finally DID end up a LTR, and I married that guy three months ago.
posted by desjardins at 3:07 PM on December 29, 2008