Note or not?

December 27, 2008 8:21 PM

Should I send my parents thank you notes?

I always send thank you notes when someone hosts me or gives me a gift. Now that I'm a (mostly) self-sustaining adult, should I send notes to my parents, too.

I've been told that such notes are for those outside immediate family, but mom and dad do so much for me. Why should I thank my aunt for the useless doodads she gave me, but not my parents' very thoughtful gifts?

posted by ocherdraco to human relations (18 answers total)

I'm sure your parents are happy to do nice things for you and don't expect a thank you note from you. However, if it would make you feel better, then I'm sure they'd be tickled pink to get a thank you/I appreciate you letter from them now and again. Since they are your parents and it sounds as though you three are really close, I'm sure you could do this informally. Perhaps send an email, write it on a post-it or just tell them. My parents perfectly content with my presence as a gesture of my appreciation and thanks, but I do know that my mom saves my little notes to look at later :)
posted by DorothySmith at 8:28 PM on December 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

It can't hurt. I know I never did, but then I'm not organized and I'm shamefully bad at thank you notes in general. I will tell you, though, that after my mother died, I found a box in the back of her closet with my name on it. Inside that box was every card and letter I had ever sent her. I wept and wept.

I have a filing cabinet, myself, and in that filing cabinet, tucked away with the report cards and the test scores and the social security cards, are all the cards I've ever gotten from my children. Written letters from your children are precious.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:38 PM on December 27, 2008 [7 favorites]

I send notes to my immediate family. I think everyone likes mail and sincere gratitude.
posted by jessamyn at 8:43 PM on December 27, 2008

I just gave my sister a thank-you note. I have never given one to her in my whole life, so I decided it was time. It was for nothing special, just for her being a big sis, but she really appreciated it.
posted by typewriter at 8:46 PM on December 27, 2008

I give my parents (and close friends) thank you phonecalls.
posted by Netzapper at 8:52 PM on December 27, 2008

I'll bet they would really love a heartfelt thank-you note. I know my parents absolutely adore it. It'll probably make their week!

p.s. I also keep all of the lovely, non-formulaic notes people have sent to me. [And re-read them when I'm feeling down.]

Snail mail is underused and underrated.
posted by rachaelfaith at 8:55 PM on December 27, 2008

I often send my parents post-holiday thank-you e-mails. My kids will sometimes tell me after we get home how much they liked the dinner, or they'll get really excited playing with a toy they got from their grandparents for Christmas and didn't pay much attention to while we were there, and I'll pass those things along, along with my own appreciation.

Really, what's the downside? Can you imagine your dad fetching the mail, and coming in waving your card at your mom: "That darn ocherdraco is cluttering up our mailbox with thank you cards again!" And then your mom: "What is wrong with that girl? Didn't we raise her to understand that thank you cards are not for immediate family?"
posted by not that girl at 9:08 PM on December 27, 2008

In our family, if we don't live with them, they get a handwritten thank you note. Even if we used to live with them. I think it's a nice gesture of appreciation.
posted by susanbeeswax at 10:29 PM on December 27, 2008

I've often wondered if you're supposed to give written thanks to people who give you cards for things like engagements, babies, graduation etc... i.e. a card but no gift. And would you write a thank you note to a parent that gave you a card but no gift.... hmmm...?
posted by taff at 1:24 AM on December 28, 2008

Oh... and is it "thank you" or "thank-you"? I've heard word on the street that it's "thank-you".... and it just looks wrong to me.
posted by taff at 1:26 AM on December 28, 2008

My family did the same thing as susanbeeswax -- so yes, if you don't live with them, then it's polite and friendly to write a thank-you card. Mail is fun!

Taff, my take is that "thank you" is the phrase you say to someone, while "thank-you" is a noun meaning the expression of things (verbal or written). Hope that's clear!
posted by fantine at 4:42 AM on December 28, 2008

A written note is always welcome, especially among the people who love you best. It lets your family know that you appreciate them/the visit/the gift and that you're still thinking of them fondly a few days later.

When "thank you" is an adjective it gets a hyphen.
posted by sevenstars at 5:30 AM on December 28, 2008

Written letters from your children are precious.

Yup. Trust me, they'll treasure them. I wish I'd sent more when my parents were alive.
posted by languagehat at 7:03 AM on December 28, 2008

Just a differing opinion, my mom always got onto me for even over-thanking her verbally when I'd come back on vacation from college. She told me that was her 'job' and it made her feel weird for me to thank her for every little thing. I think a written note would have sent her over the edge. :) I'm older now, but the same rules still apply with us.
posted by CwgrlUp at 7:43 AM on December 28, 2008

This is one of the most formal, touching, and graceful social gestures you can make --PARTICULARLY in this day and age of "thx! cya!" Generally it's a really great way to be invited back and be spoken highly of. As for your parents it does many really good things, what comes to mind most immediately is 1) it says you've raised a highly aware and thoughtful individual 2) offers a small yet very potent keepsake that they will definitely cherish and look at later 3) keeps your own gratitude in check!
posted by ezekieldas at 8:09 AM on December 28, 2008

I love thank you notes. Actually, I love anything written by anyone, ever. My vote is always "yes" when it comes to anything written, even if it's not completely necessary.

Sending a thank you note to your parents lets them know that you "get" the idea of etiquette that they likely worked to teach you as a kid. It doesn't require the same level of formality and, in fact, can be even nicer if you add in other little bits ("Thank you for the X, I really, really love it! I also loved that you made ham instead of turkey - our family traditions ROCK, Mom!")
posted by VioletU at 8:35 AM on December 28, 2008

I would be perfectly charmed if my kids sent me thank you notes for gifts, since as you say we tend to regard thank you notes as being for non-family. It would make me extremely inclined to give them more valuable gifts next time. However, I would also be perfectly happy with a phone call for the specific purpose of thanking me. This would be particularly effective if they mentioned that they had called before even getting up to discard the wrapping paper. See comment above regarding how this would affect future gift giving impulses. I would be content if I got an email on the "purpose" day of the gift (i.e. on the birthday or religious gift-giving holiday) to say "received your lovely gift, don't worry it got here." This however would not make me adjust future gift-giving strategies.

If they did not acknowledge the gift with a "dedicated" communication (and not as an afterthought in some random communication), this would probably affect future gift-giving and not necessarily in a way they would approve. If they did not acknowledge the gift at all, that would be the last one they ever got.

But that's just me.
posted by nax at 5:44 PM on December 28, 2008

absolutely.
posted by junipero at 7:06 PM on December 28, 2008