Recently I broke up with my girl of 10 years....my best friend. I'm entierly shattered and heartbroken. I wanted her to be the mother of my children when the time came, and now she's gone. Is there anyway to make this work?
Warning: LONG post inside
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (69 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
**Note: This post turned out WAY longer than I had thought it would be….but since I’m posting anonymously I thought I would present as much info up front as possible. I'll break it up into two sections for those who like to skim. I thank you for your time and comments.
I very recently ended a long distance relationship (LDR) with the girl I basically grew up with. I fell in love with her in the 11th grade, and have loved her since, and will continue to do so forever.
## HISTORY ##
The long distance part began when we separated to go to college, but I made the 150mi trip every weekend just for her, so it was never really that bad. The only real problem we ever had was that her parents were un-accepting of me. Her father was of the mind that she needs to "date" a handful of guys before she decides what she wants. Needless to say we kept our relationship alive in secret from her family. This of course presented its own challenges to our relationship. Little things like a night at the movies, dinner, etc. became VERY difficult. We were constantly running into her family friends at the most random places, and then there was a constant worry of that person mentioning to her parents that they had seen her at so-and-so place with so-and-so (not to be mean, just in passing conversation).
College ended and I moved back home. We were together for the summer, and then she had to leave to attend a masters program, followed by Medical School, across the country. We still stuck it out though. I tired to visit as often as I could...again, behind her parents back.
Things were Ok...we always discussed eventually being married and having a life together. And that was what we both wanted, and always, the shadow of her parent’s disapproval hung over us. Culturally having her parent’s approval is VERY, VERY important. For her, even more so, because she is the type of person who lives to make everyone around her happy (no matter how often I try and tell her that you can't always make everyone happy). I got to a point where I didn't care anymore. Her mother sort of knew what was up, and would outright ignore me in social situations where we would both be. The father would speak to me, but he really didn't know what was going on.
All the while she was in school meeting new people and doing her thing. I never "restricted" her activities and was always supportive of her school. She started studying with someone that made me slightly uncomfortable. Every time it would come up I would get a funny feeling and I tried explaining to her that this guy is only studying with her to get into her pants. She would tell me things like, "he isn't like that", "you don't know him", etc. Till one day she calls me almost in tears, telling me how he tried to kiss her and she felt guilty about it. I was livid and felt betrayed by her. This is where shit got bad, I think.
A year or so later we were really having problems with the LDR. Phone conversations were very superficial, and the time-zone difference wasn't helping things much. She started stressing about school and us, and soon it took its toll on us. She called one day saying she "needs a break" and "time to figure things out". I was angry and hurt and basically walked away...no phone contact, no email, nothing. It killed me to do it, but she hurt me, and maybe that was my way of hurting her back?
6 months or so went by, and I saw her at a mutual friends graduation. We started talking and soon we were back together again. It was like we hadn't even skipped a beat. Another 4 or 5 months went by with her back across the country and a few days before he xmas break I made a terrible discovery. It was long ago, so I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to do it, but I read her email and saw a disturbing message from that other guy....when I confronted her about it she told me that she had planned on telling me everything when she was going to be home for 3 weeks over xmas break. And that for the 6 months we weren't talking, she had a relationship with this guy (the original "study buddy" i had issues with) ... this is where my heart was ripped from my chest. She was the first and only person I had been with, we lost our virginities to each other, and it really bothered me that she would sleep with this other guy, and get back together with me, let me sleep with her, and then tell me about it (or let me find out about it) later.
So another break-up ensued for a few weeks till we started talking again...a few months went by and I started to realize my trust in her was shot. Then I broke it off again thinking that without trust there cannot be a relationship (which I'm probably right about). Until of course we got back together again.
## CURRENT ##
Fast-forward to the beginning of this year. Her sibling was going to marry, and we decided to confront her parents after the wedding. And my plan was if all went well with that I would propose late this year, move to be with her, and we would marry 3 years later (when her school was done).
Around April I started getting that uncomfortable feeling again...checked her email, and saw a letter to her friends with a picture of her and some guy, and a blurb about "here is the picture I promised" and one friends reply struck me VERY hard. "i hope he deserves you" .... I kind of bring up the fact that I think something is going on with this new guy, and she reassures me that nothing is happening. A day or so later I decide to re-read the email just to see if I can put it into another context. Her password is changed. Red flags shoot up and another discussion ensues. I tell her I checked her email before and that she must be hiding something if she has changed her password now. She claims it was preemptive because she knew I would take it out of context, and that her friends comment was just a joke, and the guy is just a friend who is "cute" and her friends wanted to see a picture.
Believe me, I see the manipulative nature of doing something she knows I won't approve of, and hiding it from me.
She was currently in some tests so I backed off to give her time to study, but this was eating away at me daily. Until we finally had the time to talk about things face-to-face.
Long story even longer, I broke up with her again...for what I think is the last time, because my mind can fabricate stories that my imagination runs with because I lost trust in her when she kept from me the fact that she had slept with that other guy.
Now I am miserable....I grew up with this girl...10 years together...she has had a tremendous influence in the person I've become. I finally (at age 26) had seen a future with her, a house, kids, family...now that is all gone, and it's killing me. I used to wake up every morning with a phone call from her, now I can't get out of bed till I know I'm going to be late for work.
Life sucks...it's just a lame 9-5, I make about 55K a year which I guess is decent. But with cc debt and student loans (about 30K in total) it doesn't get me very far. I'm living at home and I hate being there, but I can't afford to move out....and will do so as soon as I can afford it.
Writing this all out is semi-therapeutic in a way, so sorry for the length...it's been about a week without her and I still think about her daily, constantly. I miss my best friend.
I've been trying to come up with solutions to my problem, but would like to hear what others have to say. In your experiences; Is this a lost cause? Should I continue to pursue it at all costs?
The solution I've come up with for the time being is to really sit and talk to her again. Make sure she understands I love her, and care for her, and I want to be with her, but that the LDR isn't working for me, or for her. What I'm thinking of proposing to her is to put our relationship on hiatus for a few years, and then when she returns, assuming neither of us has found someone serious, we can pick-up where we left off....Anyone accomplish something like this in their lives? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment three years down the line?
thanks for reading through this mess of emotions, and I look forward to any insights the MeFi community can provide.