I'm pretty sure I don't love my baby.
August 19, 2006 11:47 AM Subscribe
My baby is six weeks old. Increasingly, I have the feeling she's not very fond of me, which isn't unexpected since I'm coming to realize that I don't really love her either.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (52 answers total) 70 users marked this as a favorite
Everyone - her father, her grandparents, our friends - takes great joy in her, but I simply can't find any way to take enjoy my time with her. She is not an especially difficult baby, but I find that even when she's quiet and awake I don't have any interest in interacting with her in the way that other people do. I make sure she's fed and cleanand safe and I try to make her comfortable and happy, but I'd rather watch TV than sit and talk to her endlessly or try to play with her (and I hate TV). Last night she was asleep and I actually forgot she was there until she woke up and cried.
I don't feel violent towards her in any way, and I don't feel depressed. I do, however, feel that perhaps I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to have a child. I'm realizing that I'm also jealous of the relationship her father and her grandparents have with her - their ability to get her to smile at them. My mother is, in fact, playing with her right now and getting happy cute reactions that I've never been able to get from her, and its breaking my heart. All morning, as I tended to my daugher's needs, she basically did nothing but cry, but as soon as my mother came in she was all smiles. The same thing happens every day with her father.
I don't think this is a normal way for me to feel, but on the other hand I have no idea what I should do about it. I don't feel depressed - more just disapointed in myself, and jealous of the relationship other people seem to be able to build with her. Are some people just not cut out to be mothers? I love my husband, and my parents, and many friends, and my child is, by all accounts, beautiful, but I don't ever seem to have "bonded" with her - I don't find any trace of the feelings I have for them when I look at her. I keep hoping that perhaps when she's hold enough to hug me, or even respond in some way to anything I do that things will change, but I don't hold out much hope.
I'm realizing as I'm writing this that it may not even be a question, but more that I need to tell someone that I don't love my child, and I am, perhaps, taking advantage of being annonomous in order to do so