Am I being creepy?

September 30, 2015 10:55 AM

I picked out a guy from afar that I thought was cute, found out his name, and added him on Instagram. Is it creepy for me to start messaging him?

I'm not too worried about this (I was going to do it anyway), but I just wanted your opinions because I don't want to come across as stalkerish or desperate.

A few weeks ago I was at the symphony with one of my girl friends, and I spotted this cute viola player who is just my type, looks-wise. The names of all the orchestra members are written in the program so we worked out who he was from where he was sitting.

One night I decided to look him up on Facebook and found that we have a bunch of mutual friends, since we both studied music at the same university (though he is older than me). I didn't add him, but I found him on Instagram and started following him. He followed me back and has liked nearly all of the pictures I've posted since then.

FYI I'm 26 and I'd say he's mid-30s. I'm not so concerned about him liking me or not - I just don't want to be a creep! Should I message him? I've never met him and I don't really know anything about him. The mutual Facebook friends we have are not people I'd feel comfortable sharing this with - they're either acquaintances or past professors.

As a girl I know I always have my guard up when random guys message me on social media and I'm wondering if he'd be creeped out by it too.

P.S. This is somewhat absurd and embarrassing for me because I haven't had these sorts of weird crushes since I was in high school.

posted by sweetshine to Human Relations (39 answers total)

You want honest? I'm female CIS and this would utterly creep me out. Honest. Don't do it.
posted by bearwife at 11:01 AM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: He followed me back and has liked nearly all of the pictures I've posted since then.

Having crossed the "should I use some low-grade detective work to identify this viola player I've never met" creepiness Rubicon, you seem to have as good a green light as you're going to get to message him, so you might as well give it a shot
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:02 AM on September 30, 2015 [79 favorites]

Best answer: Should I message him?

Hell yes.

Take this with a grain of salt possibly though because just a couple weeks ago I went to the Lyric Opera season preview concert and saw a cute boy singing and on the train on my way home facebook stalked him with the intent to chat him up ifyouknowwhatImean and found out that not only was he gay but married, too. Good for him, too bad for me.

I think "I picked you out of a crowd while you were doing the talent thing that you are so good at you are able to do it professionally and I am into you" is super flattering. Send him a message that includes the details that you saw him performing at the symphony, looked him up in the program, followed him on instagram, and decided you guys have a ton in common, and would he like to go get Thai food with you this weekend, you know just the place.

Good luck!
posted by phunniemee at 11:06 AM on September 30, 2015 [9 favorites]

If this is a private message situation, can't you just be honest with him? "I heard you play at the symphony. You were great. We have similar interests and I'd like to get to know you better. I don't want to creep you out, so please if this bothers you at all, I hope you will be honest and tell me and that will be the end of it."
posted by Beti at 11:08 AM on September 30, 2015 [14 favorites]

The slightly creepy part is finding him on Instagram and following him in the first place, especially since that info wasn't on the program. However, now you have a connection through social media because **waves hands let's not talk about it** so taking it to the msg part is not creepy.

Maybe don't volunteer the part about how you hunted him down, though.
posted by Andrhia at 11:08 AM on September 30, 2015 [6 favorites]

I mean, sure it might be "creepy" but this is the world we live in now, where every stranger who uses their real name on the internet is just a few clicks and taps away from telling you what they ate at brunch on Sunday, and he is 100% capable of saying no thanks or even blocking you if he so desires.

As always, the way things like this become problematic is when you are 1) an asshole and/or 2) don't leave a person alone when they decline interest. And I don't see you doing either of those things. (p.s. Don't do either of those things.)
posted by phunniemee at 11:09 AM on September 30, 2015 [16 favorites]

Maybe figure out why you like him _other_ than his looks and his job, then you can start a correspondence based on that.
posted by amtho at 11:10 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Different people are different, but speaking for myself, this wouldn't creep me out. The spread of risks and rewards I face as a man from uninvited female attention is different from the spread of risks and rewards faced by women getting uninvited male attention, and this has a big effect on what and where the lines of "creepy" get drawn.
Being a man isn't the only privilege protecting me, so my boundaries won't the same as those of others and YMMV, but as mentioned above, liking your pictures seems like a green light.
posted by anonymisc at 11:10 AM on September 30, 2015 [14 favorites]

Intellectually? Pretty creepy.

But as a CIS white male, much like phunniemee said, I'd be flattered if this happened to me.

(Also on preview, what anonymisc said too.)
posted by mayonnaises at 11:12 AM on September 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

Given the following back and the 'likes' I think you might do well with 'Hey, would it be okay if I added you on FB?' -- and if 'no' then drop this, but if 'yes,' great, but chill for a wee bit and figure out if there's anything of substance to this crush.

I would probably not tell him I'd stalked him down from the symphony; that seems like the sort of thing one might wish one had not mentioned at the end of a quick fling that ended poorly... (But a funny story if things went well. Hard to say. But it wouldn't be my opening line.)
posted by kmennie at 11:13 AM on September 30, 2015

It's a little bit creepy but I bet he'll just kind of laugh it off and be flattered. Seeing as you're already into Modern Seinfeld territory you might as well continue on this path and just "yadda, yadda" the part about how your found him.

Though I do kind of want to suggest you first attend the symphony again, take a picture of him, post it to your Instagram*, and if he "likes" it you were meant for each other.

*Don't really do that because that would be totally creepy
posted by bondcliff at 11:14 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Message him about stuff he posts on Instagram, not about having a crush on him.

Once you have a bit of a rapport (going slowly, very slowly, really really slow-ly), and he knows you a bit as a person, then proceed.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:14 AM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

Not to monopolize the thread here but personally I would really not like it if somebody tried to obfuscate the path of how they asked me out in a situation like this. For whatever reason, making the "stalking" part of this hidden and secret treats it like it's somehow shameful, and yes, that does feel creepy.

Be honest and upfront. Everything is always easier if you're honest from the start.
posted by phunniemee at 11:18 AM on September 30, 2015 [16 favorites]

The only potentially creepy part was finding and following him. When I read that you "picked him out from afar" etc I thought you had seen him across a bar or something and figured out who he was, and I thought "creepy!" But seeing him in a public performance where his name was on the program and following him after that? Not at all creepy. And with him following you back and liking your posts i think you're good to go. I wouldn't ask him out yet, I would chat a little and yes mention that you saw him perform and thought they did great, see if you guys have good convos, and then take it from there. But that may just say more about my style than anything else. Good luck and have fun!
posted by sillysally at 11:20 AM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

I don't find this creepy at all. Like phunniemee says, it's only creepy if you don't leave him alone if he declines interest, or if you are an ass in some other way. Or if you aren't up front about how you found him. But if social media had been a thing when I was single, I could see "following" some dude I'd seen doing a public musical performance (more likely for me a band at a bar, but same idea). And since he followed/like your stuff, this is a green light to send a personal message.

(my answer would probably have been different if he weren't a man)
posted by JenMarie at 11:43 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Um, you have mutual friends, share an alma mater, and a degree (if not a career?). This feels no different to me than if you saw him across the room at a party and then looked him up to contact him online. I think the only way this could qualify as "creepy" would be if you lie about how he came to your attention (e.g. if you use his social media presence to figure out how to 'bump into' or meet him 'by chance'). I agree that the truth is flattering and you should be direct and go from there.
posted by telegraph at 11:52 AM on September 30, 2015 [6 favorites]

In my mind this would be borderline-creepy EXCEPT that you have mutual friends! And a school in common! I mean, it's entirely possible that through the vagaries of Social Media and Life in General you would have stumbled upon him anyhow, via one of those people. So go for it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:53 AM on September 30, 2015

(or what telegraph said, on non-preview.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:54 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

It this situation you need to look at the total picture to decide it this is creepy.

If you message him and he doesn't message back, but then you message him multiple times, indirectly demanding attention, even after he unfriends you and try then to message him on Facebook, then yeah creepy. But if you drop it if he doesn't message you back, it's not creepy.

Basically, it's creepy if you do creepy stuff. Don't do creepy stuff. Respect any boundaries he puts up and you'll fine.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:02 PM on September 30, 2015

Someone on Twitter once Googled me because I was into The Mountain Goats and seemed like an interesting guy, or something... and she private messaged me to let me know she saw a video I uploaded of me singing a song and really liked it... which was surprising since my stuff is really super amateurish, but she really just wanted to give me some appreciation... no crush involved, but she said genuinely nice things in a way that pretty much nobody ever has, and I was really touched by it... it was in 2012 and I still think about it, partly because she had to admit right out that she was snooping, which she formulated clearly: "hello, by writing this I (1) will come off as creepy and (2) might embarrass you, BUT I googled you because [...]" There was no romantic interest in this and possibly the method of approach has complications in terms of dating but whatever, go for it.
posted by mbrock at 12:16 PM on September 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

The point is that he seems ok with it. I am a straight guy and if a woman started following me I would facebook stalk right away to find out who it was. So he likely knows you have mutual friends.

The guy is a musician, he's used to it. So go for it.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:37 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I vote creepy only if there was some serious research acrobatics involved (i.e. if his name on Instagram is different or whatever, and you only found the link because, I dunno, one of your common friends was tagged in a pic or something). If his real name is on the account, then I don't find it particularly creepy. And I'm pretty protective about my online persona (but mine is different from my IRL one!).
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:38 PM on September 30, 2015

I dated a woman who did something similar, without the mutual friends even. It didn't creep me out. While this is obviously a generalization and not universally true, I think most men get a lot less creepy stalking/harassment on social media than many women do (and are generally less concerned about it), so we are less likely to have a negative reaction.
posted by thefoxgod at 12:45 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I totally did this (horn section! not the same guy!), and we dated for a while. I worried that it would seem creepy too, but he didn't think so at all.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2015

I'd be flattered. Go for it, but, be chill.
posted by trbrts at 12:59 PM on September 30, 2015

It would be creepy if it were a man contacting a woman. It's flattering if it's the other way around. I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by cnc at 1:00 PM on September 30, 2015

It's only creepy for those who don't know how finding-folks-on-the-internet works. Which, in that age group, are few.
Otherwise as phunniemee says (at the end)
posted by Namlit at 1:01 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, it's a little creepy, but no, I wouldn't care if it happened to me. It's the kind of creepy that, if it works out and you do start dating, seems charming. If the genders were reversed, yeah, not cool, but generally guys enjoy hearing from girls.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:02 PM on September 30, 2015

damn girl, you have got game.
I think it's a bit creepy but less so because you are in the same field and so obviously you're not just some random fan-girl, you actually have something in common with him professionally. Which makes it actually just networking with a side of flirtation
posted by winterportage at 1:37 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

As a guy who played in plenty of symphonies, I had always dreamed of a nice woman looking me up in the program and contacting me afterwards.

Not creepy at all. Just having similar interests and a fun way to tell the grandkids how you met someday...

For comparison: It would be creepy if you posted anonymous things on Instagram or came up with a fake Facebook account to friend him, etc.
posted by TinWhistle at 2:05 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just to back up what's been said above... I think you're on the right side of the creepy line, partly due to your gender, partly due to your mutual connections, and partly because that's the world we live in now. But yes, as has been said above, and as you're undoubtedly aware, "be chill" :)
posted by DancingYear at 2:22 PM on September 30, 2015

I think this is one of those cases where it could 100% go either way depending on his perception of the situation. Some people would find this super flattering, some super creepy, and for many it would depend on whether he finds YOU attractive and interesting. Given that he's been responding positively to your posts so far, I would go for it, maybe with a little addition of something like "I hope this doesn't read as creepy and really apologize if it does -- if so, feel free to ignore this message and I'm sorry!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:44 PM on September 30, 2015

Not creepy at all, this is how a lot of social media works. Public instagram accounts are for the public to find, and if he's liking pictures back, that is an open invitation to message him.

Also, guys, what's up with the allcaps use of "CIS"? It's an abbreviation of "cisgender," not an acronym like CSI.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:35 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Heck, I'm female, and I'd be flattered as hell if a guy contacted me and laid out that story - so long as he was willing to listen and back off if I decided I wasn't interested. Because THAT is where the creepy line is.
posted by stormyteal at 3:36 PM on September 30, 2015

This seems a bit like "Parallel construction". You have the super-creepy way you found him. In doing so, you found a plausible less-creepy way you could have met him. So you could probably get away with it.

That said, if I ever found out that someone did this to me or anyone I knew, it would be a straight-up "cut off all contact" offense. So... your mileage may vary, given the mix of responses.
posted by CrystalDave at 3:37 PM on September 30, 2015

I honestly can't even put myself in his shoes to tell if I'd be "creeped out" (read: "turned off". I'm a gay man imagining another man doing this), but they made a Seinfeld episode that IMO is exactly analogous to this for the 90s. Jerry took a familiar woman's number and name off an AIDS charity list. The show came down on the side of "not creepy".
posted by deathmaven at 4:49 PM on September 30, 2015

This is literally what public social media can be for. You see someone in a public, named performance, you can follow them on social media if they have a public profile. Whether it's because you think they're cute, or because you are interested in them as a person, or whatever, that is NOT CREEPY.
If he does not want people to find him on social media, he should not have a public profile associated with his real name where he accepts followers he doesn't know personally. This is not stalking, this is not creepy, this is totally fine. It would not be fine if you sent him harassing messages, tried to find his personal email, his home address, whatever. This is not that.
And yes, you should message him! Even if he's not single he could turn out to be an interesting person to know, given your connections.
posted by ch1x0r at 8:08 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for your advice guys, and thanks for giving me the courage to message him! His response to me (no I haven't revealed any stalking yet, it was just a "hi, I don't think we've met, let me introduce myself") was something along the lines of "hi, no we haven't met, but we probably know a lot of the same people. I play viola in the orchestra and we're playing such and such this weekend..."

Tee hee.
posted by sweetshine at 7:28 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]

Looks like your question has been answered already (and it looks like he's giving you a green light so far, that's great!) but if it helps, that was almost exactly how I started dating my boyfriend - only differences are the shared activity and website. Like you I was a little paranoid about coming off as creepy and I don't tend to share that detail with others ("oh we met at shared activity") but he doesn't think I was creepy, although he does tease me about it sometimes. We're coming up to a year now so we're both pretty happy that I messaged him - we're both pretty shy about approaching new people so we probably wouldn't have started talking otherwise.
posted by randomnity at 10:44 AM on October 1, 2015