Do you like me or what?
April 7, 2013 10:20 AM Subscribe
I kinda think the dude likes me but I'm not sure and I'm tired of waiting to find out
There's a guy I've known for several years but just recently, like within the past year, we've become pretty close. He lives in another state but calls me every weekend, sometimes more than once a day, and our phone conversations last for about three hours. We talk about our philosophy on dating, marriage, childrearing, and everything in between. We make each other laugh and confide in one another. We talk about poop on the reg, which to me is the sign of ultimate trust. When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV. Nothing physical has ever happened.
This is all fine and good, but my problem is that I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If we're having marathon conversations about life and doing couple-y things together, then I want us to be a couple. If he doesn't want that then fine, but I can't do this relationship purgatory thing where we're sort of dating but not really.
I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend." And then be willing to dial the friendship way back if he does not feel the same way.
But, as modern as I like to think I am, I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear. I know no one here can tell me what he's thinking and feeling, but any advice would be appreciated. Should I just relax and let things unfold, or should I take the initiative and be straightforward?
I'll be honest, I would love to be pursued. I would love for it to be his idea that we date, but I also don't want to sit around and invest more emotional energy into this thing while I wait for him to decide...
There's a guy I've known for several years but just recently, like within the past year, we've become pretty close. He lives in another state but calls me every weekend, sometimes more than once a day, and our phone conversations last for about three hours. We talk about our philosophy on dating, marriage, childrearing, and everything in between. We make each other laugh and confide in one another. We talk about poop on the reg, which to me is the sign of ultimate trust. When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV. Nothing physical has ever happened.
This is all fine and good, but my problem is that I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If we're having marathon conversations about life and doing couple-y things together, then I want us to be a couple. If he doesn't want that then fine, but I can't do this relationship purgatory thing where we're sort of dating but not really.
I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend." And then be willing to dial the friendship way back if he does not feel the same way.
But, as modern as I like to think I am, I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear. I know no one here can tell me what he's thinking and feeling, but any advice would be appreciated. Should I just relax and let things unfold, or should I take the initiative and be straightforward?
I'll be honest, I would love to be pursued. I would love for it to be his idea that we date, but I also don't want to sit around and invest more emotional energy into this thing while I wait for him to decide...
But, as modern as I like to think I am, I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear.
If you've been been spending such time with one another for a year, either he's just not the sort of dude who will be making it very clear -- whether that's the sort of dude you want to date is up to you -- or he's not interested in you in such a manner. But as far as "let things unfold"? That's exactly what you've been doing and where has that gotten you?
posted by griphus at 10:28 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you've been been spending such time with one another for a year, either he's just not the sort of dude who will be making it very clear -- whether that's the sort of dude you want to date is up to you -- or he's not interested in you in such a manner. But as far as "let things unfold"? That's exactly what you've been doing and where has that gotten you?
posted by griphus at 10:28 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are two possibilities that I see:
a) He likes you, but he doesn't "like" you. The length of the phone calls seems kind of odd in this case, unless he is living somewhere where he doesn't know anybody. You would need to set boundaries for him if this is the case.
b) He is interested, but doesn't want to mess up the friendship so he's being "subtle.". He probably thinks he's dropping hints that you are missing, while you either aren't dropping hints or he's not catching yours. At this point, you need to take some action, no matter how much you'd like to be pursued.
In either case, you are just building up anxiety for yourself. Ask him -- "is this leading anywhere, or are we just buds?" If he responds positively, tell him you'd like a little wooing. If he doesn't, start limiting time a bit.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:29 AM on April 7, 2013
a) He likes you, but he doesn't "like" you. The length of the phone calls seems kind of odd in this case, unless he is living somewhere where he doesn't know anybody. You would need to set boundaries for him if this is the case.
b) He is interested, but doesn't want to mess up the friendship so he's being "subtle.". He probably thinks he's dropping hints that you are missing, while you either aren't dropping hints or he's not catching yours. At this point, you need to take some action, no matter how much you'd like to be pursued.
In either case, you are just building up anxiety for yourself. Ask him -- "is this leading anywhere, or are we just buds?" If he responds positively, tell him you'd like a little wooing. If he doesn't, start limiting time a bit.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:29 AM on April 7, 2013
I think you have to ask yourself which you prefer: the unlikely possibility that he will start to pursue you, or the very likely possibility that if you pursue him a little harder it will turn into a romantic relationship.
I have taken the initiative with almost every guy I've been with and I have no regrets.
posted by mai at 10:36 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have taken the initiative with almost every guy I've been with and I have no regrets.
posted by mai at 10:36 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Have you tried actually flirting with him? I do think that you need to be direct with him if it comes to that, but there's nothing to say that you need to confront him today about this, after being in this 'pseudo-relationship' for a year now.
Poop talk does show a certain sense of trust and familiarity, yes, but it's not the best avenue into a hot new romance. You can talk about poop with a friend. If I were you, I'd try to make more clear via conversation that I thought he was boyfriend material, make sure he knows that he hasn't just been friend zoned. So, flirt first, and if he doesn't take the bait, direct convo later.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:48 AM on April 7, 2013
Poop talk does show a certain sense of trust and familiarity, yes, but it's not the best avenue into a hot new romance. You can talk about poop with a friend. If I were you, I'd try to make more clear via conversation that I thought he was boyfriend material, make sure he knows that he hasn't just been friend zoned. So, flirt first, and if he doesn't take the bait, direct convo later.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:48 AM on April 7, 2013
Everyone here is going to tell you the same thing, which is that you should call him.
I am not only going to do the same thing, I'm going to even tell you about an instance when celebrities did it - according to an interview I saw him give once, this is the exact kind of weird nebulous quasi-date-y relationship that Liam Neeson was having with Natasha Richardson for several months after they first met. But then after he sent her a cutesy fax or something, she called him on it - she called him and flat-out asked, "look, that was the kind of fax you send to someone who's just a chum. So - is that all you think we are? Because that's not all I want."
And he said it was the big wake-up call that he needed to go ahead and let himself fall for her. And they went on to be one of the big celebrity love story couples, and he's still in love with her two years after her death (when he was on Inside the Actors' Studio, his answer to "what do you want to hear God tell you when you get to heaven" was "Natasha's waiting for you in the next room with a bottle of chardonnay").
That would never have happened if Natasha hadn't given him a boot in the ass and asked him "so what the hell is this?"
Go thou and do the same.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on April 7, 2013 [17 favorites]
I am not only going to do the same thing, I'm going to even tell you about an instance when celebrities did it - according to an interview I saw him give once, this is the exact kind of weird nebulous quasi-date-y relationship that Liam Neeson was having with Natasha Richardson for several months after they first met. But then after he sent her a cutesy fax or something, she called him on it - she called him and flat-out asked, "look, that was the kind of fax you send to someone who's just a chum. So - is that all you think we are? Because that's not all I want."
And he said it was the big wake-up call that he needed to go ahead and let himself fall for her. And they went on to be one of the big celebrity love story couples, and he's still in love with her two years after her death (when he was on Inside the Actors' Studio, his answer to "what do you want to hear God tell you when you get to heaven" was "Natasha's waiting for you in the next room with a bottle of chardonnay").
That would never have happened if Natasha hadn't given him a boot in the ass and asked him "so what the hell is this?"
Go thou and do the same.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on April 7, 2013 [17 favorites]
It sounds like you're friends.
I think you should ask him if he would like to date you.
If you accuse him of leading you on or putting you in the "friend zone" for several years, you will make him want to punch you in the face instead of date you. So please don't let that attitude shine through, it's not attractive.
posted by tel3path at 11:17 AM on April 7, 2013
I think you should ask him if he would like to date you.
If you accuse him of leading you on or putting you in the "friend zone" for several years, you will make him want to punch you in the face instead of date you. So please don't let that attitude shine through, it's not attractive.
posted by tel3path at 11:17 AM on April 7, 2013
Do this:
I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend."
Stop assuming this:
I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear.
I mean, if you only want to date guys who are very clear and upfront and will take the first step of saying "I want to date you," then this guy may not be the guy for you. It sounds like you really like him, though, and want to date him, so unsubscribe from that notion if wanting to date him is more important to you than clinging to this notion.
posted by rtha at 11:34 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend."
Stop assuming this:
I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear.
I mean, if you only want to date guys who are very clear and upfront and will take the first step of saying "I want to date you," then this guy may not be the guy for you. It sounds like you really like him, though, and want to date him, so unsubscribe from that notion if wanting to date him is more important to you than clinging to this notion.
posted by rtha at 11:34 AM on April 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's already been several years. How long are you willing to wait for him to say?
Your notion of waiting for the guy might well work, if you wait long enough. The problem lies with the fact that you're relying on someone else to give you what you want. If you do that, you're never going to know when you're going to get whatever it is, or indeed if you're ever going to get it. If you're not OK with that, then it's on you to do something about it.
You wanting something from someone and having this idea of how they should behave is fine, until you run up against Real Life, where sometimes people just won't be like that. See: your current situation.
posted by Solomon at 12:09 PM on April 7, 2013
Your notion of waiting for the guy might well work, if you wait long enough. The problem lies with the fact that you're relying on someone else to give you what you want. If you do that, you're never going to know when you're going to get whatever it is, or indeed if you're ever going to get it. If you're not OK with that, then it's on you to do something about it.
You wanting something from someone and having this idea of how they should behave is fine, until you run up against Real Life, where sometimes people just won't be like that. See: your current situation.
posted by Solomon at 12:09 PM on April 7, 2013
"He lives in another state but calls me every weekend....
When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV."
Wait, he lives in another state? What is this bit about when he's home, then? Are you just doing all of that activity while on the phone or something?
If he really lives in another state all the time, that could be why he hasn't made a move--there may be impractical issues with this that you're not mentioning.
By all means, just ask him already--but if there's a distance issue, that could be the reason why.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:20 PM on April 7, 2013
When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV."
Wait, he lives in another state? What is this bit about when he's home, then? Are you just doing all of that activity while on the phone or something?
If he really lives in another state all the time, that could be why he hasn't made a move--there may be impractical issues with this that you're not mentioning.
By all means, just ask him already--but if there's a distance issue, that could be the reason why.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:20 PM on April 7, 2013
jenfullmoon:
Wait, he lives in another state? What is this bit about when he's home, then? Are you just doing all of that activity while on the phone or something?
I think a lot of people (not myself) consider "home" to mean both their own house and their parents' house, depending on the context. So they might be like, "Oh, I'm just headed home" means they're going to their apartment, but "I'm going home for the holidays" means they are going to visit their parents. I think this is very common with students, many of whom - if they have an apartment at all - consider their living situation temporary, and consider themselves as living with their parents.
posted by 0x006DB0 at 1:42 PM on April 7, 2013
Wait, he lives in another state? What is this bit about when he's home, then? Are you just doing all of that activity while on the phone or something?
I think a lot of people (not myself) consider "home" to mean both their own house and their parents' house, depending on the context. So they might be like, "Oh, I'm just headed home" means they're going to their apartment, but "I'm going home for the holidays" means they are going to visit their parents. I think this is very common with students, many of whom - if they have an apartment at all - consider their living situation temporary, and consider themselves as living with their parents.
posted by 0x006DB0 at 1:42 PM on April 7, 2013
"so, are you ever going to ask me out, or do you spend all this time and attention on all of your platonic friends?"
posted by davejay at 2:07 PM on April 7, 2013
posted by davejay at 2:07 PM on April 7, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, I did talk to him and he told me he was happy with the way things are and is not interested in a relationship, so I suggested we spend some time apart and see if we can resume the friendship at a later time. I appreciate your comments.
posted by thank you silence at 2:33 PM on April 7, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by thank you silence at 2:33 PM on April 7, 2013 [20 favorites]
Well, good on you for laying your cards on the table. I know how much it hurts to hear "no". So many people don't even have the nerve to ask for what they want, but, it's good that you asked.
posted by tel3path at 2:51 PM on April 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 2:51 PM on April 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Don't feel bad that it wasn't obvious to you that this was a friends-only relationship. Some people have magical powers that enable them to identify "obvious" things from a great distance; the rest of us have to muddle along by using words and other more mundane skills. What you "should" know is neither here nor there; as long as you're doing your best to read the situation as accurately as you can and asking for clarification when you're not sure, you're doing a lot better than many of us.
posted by rtha at 3:09 PM on April 7, 2013 [25 favorites]
posted by rtha at 3:09 PM on April 7, 2013 [25 favorites]
I'm all for taking risks in ambiguous relationships, but this was an obvious "friends only" situation
What the jesus fuck? In instance 829304293 of htid stands up for someone on Metafilter... that was in no way obvious.
I, for one, do NOT friendzone people. If I am spending hours and hours with a person of my preferred gender, calling them regularly, etc., you can be damn sure that I would be open to a relationship with them if we're both single. Because, for some nice people in this world like myself, there isn't really a friendzone. There can be an exception if I have a very limited relationship with someone, like we know each other through a limited project or activity. However, if it gets to be that best-friendy, then I am almost by definition open to something more. Because, for some nice people like myself, the best-friend-person is exactly who I want to be fucking.
There are people in the world who operate differently, e.g. people who categorize someone as unattractive for some arbitrary reason, then consider that person "safe" and let themselves get all cuddly close to them. I find that sort of behavior cruel and I don't engage in it. YMMV. Some people play a lot faster and looser with relationships than I do, and to each his own.
Either way, to imply that the OP should somehow have known is just plain silly. This was in no way obvious from the facts as written. How cynical. Plus, "should" doesn't matter. (Or, what rtha said.) If you don't know something, ask. The person who asks and gets answers is winning.
posted by htid at 5:11 PM on April 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
What the jesus fuck? In instance 829304293 of htid stands up for someone on Metafilter... that was in no way obvious.
I, for one, do NOT friendzone people. If I am spending hours and hours with a person of my preferred gender, calling them regularly, etc., you can be damn sure that I would be open to a relationship with them if we're both single. Because, for some nice people in this world like myself, there isn't really a friendzone. There can be an exception if I have a very limited relationship with someone, like we know each other through a limited project or activity. However, if it gets to be that best-friendy, then I am almost by definition open to something more. Because, for some nice people like myself, the best-friend-person is exactly who I want to be fucking.
There are people in the world who operate differently, e.g. people who categorize someone as unattractive for some arbitrary reason, then consider that person "safe" and let themselves get all cuddly close to them. I find that sort of behavior cruel and I don't engage in it. YMMV. Some people play a lot faster and looser with relationships than I do, and to each his own.
Either way, to imply that the OP should somehow have known is just plain silly. This was in no way obvious from the facts as written. How cynical. Plus, "should" doesn't matter. (Or, what rtha said.) If you don't know something, ask. The person who asks and gets answers is winning.
posted by htid at 5:11 PM on April 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry that it worked out the way it did, but kudos for asking for clarification, because you deserve that, and it is absolutely within your right to ask for it if you don't have it.
(And it wasn't "obviously" just a friendship situation from where I was sitting. That's why you were absolutely within your rights to ask because "obvious friendship behavior" to one person is "obvious romantic interest" to the next, and that means it isn't obvious and the best thing to ALWAYS do is ask.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:21 PM on April 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
(And it wasn't "obviously" just a friendship situation from where I was sitting. That's why you were absolutely within your rights to ask because "obvious friendship behavior" to one person is "obvious romantic interest" to the next, and that means it isn't obvious and the best thing to ALWAYS do is ask.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:21 PM on April 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
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He might think he is making things clear, or that you are already dating but for the distance. Nothing to it but to ask.
You might want to be pursued more outright, but you can't make him be that guy.
posted by RainyJay at 10:21 AM on April 7, 2013 [3 favorites]