accidental flirty dynamic
August 7, 2015 2:42 AM Subscribe
I have a friend who I have a naturally intense and potentially flirty dynamic with, even though I'm not interested in them sexually. It's making me a bit uncomfortable and confused. How do I handle this?
A friend (male, mid 30s, let's call him L) and I (female, early 30s) have formed a cool friendship since we met a few months ago volunteering on a political campaign. We're both quite introverted people and it's one of those rare (for me, and him also it seems) friendships where we're on a similar wavelength. Our interactions are intellectually stimulating and great fun. I value the friendship and he's said similar.
I'm single and he's in a serious relationship, we're both straight. Several other volunteers have made insinuate-y jokes/comments recently about how close we are. I'm not sexually attracted to L, so I would have just ignore the gossip, but I must concede that even I don't think it's much of a stretch for others to interpret our dynamic as "flirty". We laugh a lot, have a lot of in jokes and short hand, tend to gravitate towards each other, socialise alone occasionally (when no one else is keen to come out), have a weird mix of easiness and intensity with each other, and occasional friendly touches (most initiated by him). Also, I could be reading too much into it, but recently he's said or done a few things that made me wonder (sitting a bit close, saying things that even to me seem pretty darn flirty (more in an emotionally intimate way rather than a sexual way, so it could just be enjoying the friendship)). I’ve tried to “tone down” the dynamic but that it takes a lot of conscious effort, plus on the other hand I figure why not enjoy a nice friendship if I am indeed just over thinking nothing?
I was, however, feeling a little uncomfortable and confused. I've been cheated on in the past by a serious partner and I never want to go near any corner of that triangle again. I figured I should just have a quick, straightforward talk about it with L. To introduce the subject I said "some people are gossiping about us having something going on. We're cool, right?". He laughed it off and changed the subject. Since then he's stopped talking to me. Radio silence. I tried to initiate conversation the next shared shift (acting like usual) and he gave me the shortest possible response and since then has chosen tasks separate from me. Since then we've only exchanged awkward nods of acknowledgement when absolutely necessary. My best guesses are 1) he thinks I was hitting on him merely by bringing it up? 2) things were indeed getting affair-y and he now realises I'm not cool with that..? I'm working up the nerve to talk to him again to clear the air, but I feel that if it's option 1 I'll just be digging myself deeper in his mind just by trying to talk.
Metafilter, did I break a social law by trying to discuss a potentially flirty dynamic? How do I handle this situation?
A friend (male, mid 30s, let's call him L) and I (female, early 30s) have formed a cool friendship since we met a few months ago volunteering on a political campaign. We're both quite introverted people and it's one of those rare (for me, and him also it seems) friendships where we're on a similar wavelength. Our interactions are intellectually stimulating and great fun. I value the friendship and he's said similar.
I'm single and he's in a serious relationship, we're both straight. Several other volunteers have made insinuate-y jokes/comments recently about how close we are. I'm not sexually attracted to L, so I would have just ignore the gossip, but I must concede that even I don't think it's much of a stretch for others to interpret our dynamic as "flirty". We laugh a lot, have a lot of in jokes and short hand, tend to gravitate towards each other, socialise alone occasionally (when no one else is keen to come out), have a weird mix of easiness and intensity with each other, and occasional friendly touches (most initiated by him). Also, I could be reading too much into it, but recently he's said or done a few things that made me wonder (sitting a bit close, saying things that even to me seem pretty darn flirty (more in an emotionally intimate way rather than a sexual way, so it could just be enjoying the friendship)). I’ve tried to “tone down” the dynamic but that it takes a lot of conscious effort, plus on the other hand I figure why not enjoy a nice friendship if I am indeed just over thinking nothing?
I was, however, feeling a little uncomfortable and confused. I've been cheated on in the past by a serious partner and I never want to go near any corner of that triangle again. I figured I should just have a quick, straightforward talk about it with L. To introduce the subject I said "some people are gossiping about us having something going on. We're cool, right?". He laughed it off and changed the subject. Since then he's stopped talking to me. Radio silence. I tried to initiate conversation the next shared shift (acting like usual) and he gave me the shortest possible response and since then has chosen tasks separate from me. Since then we've only exchanged awkward nods of acknowledgement when absolutely necessary. My best guesses are 1) he thinks I was hitting on him merely by bringing it up? 2) things were indeed getting affair-y and he now realises I'm not cool with that..? I'm working up the nerve to talk to him again to clear the air, but I feel that if it's option 1 I'll just be digging myself deeper in his mind just by trying to talk.
Metafilter, did I break a social law by trying to discuss a potentially flirty dynamic? How do I handle this situation?
Best answer: Nope. You told him you weren't interested, and he backed off. Sounds to me like he WAS interested, but now realises that it's pointless and isn't going to spend any more time on something that's not going to work out.
Or perhaps he's really bothered by the idea of other people jumping to conclusions, and wants to make it clear to everyone that there's nothing going on. Bit odd that he wouldn't make that clear to you as well, by saying something like "whoops, maybe we should tone things down a bit" before doing a 180 on you. But maybe that's how he rolls. Personally, I suspect the former rather than the latter.
Either way, clarity in relationships is good. You have it. He's no longer interested in pursuing a close friendship with you, for whatever reason. Continue to be cordial, but don't expect him to come back from this in a hurry. He's drawn away from you, so don't go chasing him. Leave him alone until he comes back (if he ever does). Behave the same way as him, towards him. If he's running away to get you to chase him, then he's playing silly mind games and you'd do well to not get involved in that. Talking to him will just lead to more fog, not air-clearing. It's just a way of enmeshing yourself with him some more, and he doesn't seem to want that. If he's running away to get away from you, then respect that boundary and leave him alone.
Trying to force a connection with someone who doesn't want one is problematic at best. From now on, he's just someone you're on friendly nodding acquaintance level type communications with.
posted by Solomon at 3:13 AM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Or perhaps he's really bothered by the idea of other people jumping to conclusions, and wants to make it clear to everyone that there's nothing going on. Bit odd that he wouldn't make that clear to you as well, by saying something like "whoops, maybe we should tone things down a bit" before doing a 180 on you. But maybe that's how he rolls. Personally, I suspect the former rather than the latter.
Either way, clarity in relationships is good. You have it. He's no longer interested in pursuing a close friendship with you, for whatever reason. Continue to be cordial, but don't expect him to come back from this in a hurry. He's drawn away from you, so don't go chasing him. Leave him alone until he comes back (if he ever does). Behave the same way as him, towards him. If he's running away to get you to chase him, then he's playing silly mind games and you'd do well to not get involved in that. Talking to him will just lead to more fog, not air-clearing. It's just a way of enmeshing yourself with him some more, and he doesn't seem to want that. If he's running away to get away from you, then respect that boundary and leave him alone.
Trying to force a connection with someone who doesn't want one is problematic at best. From now on, he's just someone you're on friendly nodding acquaintance level type communications with.
posted by Solomon at 3:13 AM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Another possibility is he took 'other people are saying blah blah about us' to be code for you complaining about excessive flirtiness. In any case, I still wouldn't engage in any further discussion about it with him. Just carry on as usual.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 3:21 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 3:21 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
he could be just a bit clueless and embarrassed, but my guess would be 2. i don't think you broke any rules at all (i think you did right) and i'd say to just keep going. it may bounce back to a less intense equilibrium (great) or not (ah well), but i can't see much advantage in doing more work now. just give it time and see.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:33 AM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 3:33 AM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Option 3 is that he realized that your colleagues are gossipy jerks and wants to avoid any sense of impropriety, and that he values his position and relationship more than this friendship. I have a friend that was accused of sleeping her way into her position by someone who was being fired (she and the boss were good friends but nowhere near that line.) Ridiculous as the accusation was, they ended the friendship until they weren't working at the same place anymore.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:03 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:03 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
If someone is gossiping about you and a third party, you address the issue with the gossiper, not with the third party. By going to him about this, you just told him you have a problem with his behavior. I'd be cool toward you after that, too.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:04 AM on August 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:04 AM on August 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
Maybe he wanted more with you, maybe not. If I was him, interested in you or not, I'd be hurt to be preemptively rejected.
posted by inturnaround at 6:25 AM on August 7, 2015
posted by inturnaround at 6:25 AM on August 7, 2015
As you've described the situation it sounds like you were enjoying the intensity and emotional intimacy of the friendship as much as he was, but were concerned that it might be veering towards something you weren't interested in. But I don't think that putting your concerns to him in terms of worries about other people's gossip was the most honest way to raise them, since it's a way of not taking ownership of your own (perfectly legitimate and reasonable) desire to make sure that the friendship stays within certain parameters.
As for how to interpret his rapid dialing things down, here's one possibility. You've said that you find it hard on your side to tone down the intensity of your interactions. Maybe he does too, and he also realizes that it would be a mistake to let things go any further. It can be easier just to avoid contact with someone you have that sort of chemistry with rather than always struggling to keep things at the "appropriate" level of intimacy. Sucks to lose that sort of friendship, but sometimes that's how these situations play out, through neither person's fault.
I'd avoid any more discussions to "clear the air". You've made things as clear as you can; in turn, respect his decision to keep things more distant.
posted by informavore at 7:34 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
As for how to interpret his rapid dialing things down, here's one possibility. You've said that you find it hard on your side to tone down the intensity of your interactions. Maybe he does too, and he also realizes that it would be a mistake to let things go any further. It can be easier just to avoid contact with someone you have that sort of chemistry with rather than always struggling to keep things at the "appropriate" level of intimacy. Sucks to lose that sort of friendship, but sometimes that's how these situations play out, through neither person's fault.
I'd avoid any more discussions to "clear the air". You've made things as clear as you can; in turn, respect his decision to keep things more distant.
posted by informavore at 7:34 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You shut down his flirty behavior. Maybe he wanted to fuck you, maybe he liked the attention, or maybe he didn't realize where things were going -- but either he acknowledged that you were shutting it down, or he decided he needed to.
I would just leave things be for a while. Let him reapproach you, since he's the one who's being distant right now. I mean, look, maybe he won't, but if he doesn't, it's because there was nothing left after you shut down the escalating flirting, or something along those lines. It's NOT because he thought that you were hitting on him, and he ran away because he's afraid you're going to try to seduce him. I'm almost positive that your guess (1) is not correct.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:39 AM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
I would just leave things be for a while. Let him reapproach you, since he's the one who's being distant right now. I mean, look, maybe he won't, but if he doesn't, it's because there was nothing left after you shut down the escalating flirting, or something along those lines. It's NOT because he thought that you were hitting on him, and he ran away because he's afraid you're going to try to seduce him. I'm almost positive that your guess (1) is not correct.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:39 AM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Option 3) By bringing it up you made him realize how cheaty he was feeling and now is guilty worried about how is behavior is being perceived.
But I'm putting my money on: 2) He was hoping to fuck you and is now saddle-sore about it.
posted by French Fry at 8:24 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
But I'm putting my money on: 2) He was hoping to fuck you and is now saddle-sore about it.
posted by French Fry at 8:24 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I’ve tried to “tone down” the dynamic but that it takes a lot of conscious effort, plus on the other hand I figure why not enjoy a nice friendship if I am indeed just over thinking nothing?
I was, however, feeling a little uncomfortable and confused.
This isn't a nice friendship if it leaves you feeling uncomfortable or confused.
Metafilter, did I break a social law by trying to discuss a potentially flirty dynamic? How do I handle this situation?
Even though you are doing unpaid work, the two of you are essentially co-workers. Bringing up the gossip with him was unprofessional. Discussing the matter a second time would again be unprofessional. It's not the end of the world, though, and I think you two can still have a good working relationship moving forward.
posted by TheCavorter at 8:34 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was, however, feeling a little uncomfortable and confused.
This isn't a nice friendship if it leaves you feeling uncomfortable or confused.
Metafilter, did I break a social law by trying to discuss a potentially flirty dynamic? How do I handle this situation?
Even though you are doing unpaid work, the two of you are essentially co-workers. Bringing up the gossip with him was unprofessional. Discussing the matter a second time would again be unprofessional. It's not the end of the world, though, and I think you two can still have a good working relationship moving forward.
posted by TheCavorter at 8:34 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think what happened is that it was flirting for him and once he learned you weren't interested, he backed off. That was what you wanted, right? To not be having a flirty, sexually-charged relationship with this guy? The other possibility is that he was only being friendly with you and was put off by the idea that you accused him of being flirty -- but based on the behavior you described, I don't think this is what happened.
I don't see what talking to him again will do and I'm not sure why you need to talk to him again. I guess maybe you miss being friends with him, but it appears he didn't see you guys as just friends. And if he's incapable of being friends with a woman without there being something romantic behind it, then he is a douche anyway.
My overall assessment was that you felt uncomfortable with the dynamic of your relationship and instead of letting it continue and leaving open the possibility he would escalate the flirting, you dealt with it head on. It's commendable, really. Sucks that he's too much of a tool to keep being just friends with you, but what can you do? The great thing about working on a political campaign is that everyone is there because they believe in the goal and they all really want to be there. Focus on your mission and being able to work with like-minded people, and forget this guy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:16 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't see what talking to him again will do and I'm not sure why you need to talk to him again. I guess maybe you miss being friends with him, but it appears he didn't see you guys as just friends. And if he's incapable of being friends with a woman without there being something romantic behind it, then he is a douche anyway.
My overall assessment was that you felt uncomfortable with the dynamic of your relationship and instead of letting it continue and leaving open the possibility he would escalate the flirting, you dealt with it head on. It's commendable, really. Sucks that he's too much of a tool to keep being just friends with you, but what can you do? The great thing about working on a political campaign is that everyone is there because they believe in the goal and they all really want to be there. Focus on your mission and being able to work with like-minded people, and forget this guy.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:16 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's #2: "things were getting affair-y." He backed off when you called it out with, "Some people are gossiping about us having something going on. We're cool, right?" GOOD FOR YOU FOR SAYING THAT!!! That's how a real professional acts to shut this shit down when a man is making her feel "uncomfortable" in her work space.
He owed you an apology, but he's a coward, so he has to avoid you because he can't face himself. Fine, bullet dodged, because that was not a healthy friendship anyway. How do I know this? Healthy friendships make all of your other relationships better-- including your professional relationships.
Therefore, "a cool friendship" is the wrong descriptor whenever a male coworker who is in a "serious relationship" has, by his inappropriate actions, been letting the entire office know he wants to bang one of his female colleagues. Messing up your professional reputation is not what a real and true friend does.
"I've been cheated on in the past by a serious partner and I never want to go near any corner of that triangle again."
Your radar for potential cheaters like this guy is excellent.
posted by hush at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
He owed you an apology, but he's a coward, so he has to avoid you because he can't face himself. Fine, bullet dodged, because that was not a healthy friendship anyway. How do I know this? Healthy friendships make all of your other relationships better-- including your professional relationships.
Therefore, "a cool friendship" is the wrong descriptor whenever a male coworker who is in a "serious relationship" has, by his inappropriate actions, been letting the entire office know he wants to bang one of his female colleagues. Messing up your professional reputation is not what a real and true friend does.
"I've been cheated on in the past by a serious partner and I never want to go near any corner of that triangle again."
Your radar for potential cheaters like this guy is excellent.
posted by hush at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
I figured I should just have a quick, straightforward talk about it with L. To introduce the subject I said "some people are gossiping about us having something going on. We're cool, right?"
You did not do well at being straightforward. You should not have invoked third parties. The issue for you wasn't the gossip, it was how the interaction was making you feel. That is abundantly clear from what you told us. Your friend probably knows you well enough to know that whatever the issue is, it isn't the gossip. But since you weren't straightforward, he's left to guess about whatever the actual issue is. If he was more skilled socially (or if your friendship was as close or valuable as you appear to think) he might have said, "Really? I know you don't care about the gossip. Is something about the way that we are interacting bothering you?"
But that requires a lot of bravery and vulnerability on his part, bravery and vulnerability that you didn't show yourself, so it's an even bigger risk for him. The safest course of action for him is to shut things down completely. So you both have chosen a safer course over a brave and vulnerable course and that is fine. In the future try to be brave and vulnerable with the people that you value, but in my opinion it's best to just let things lie at this point with this person and be friendly and professional.
posted by Kwine at 9:35 AM on August 7, 2015
You did not do well at being straightforward. You should not have invoked third parties. The issue for you wasn't the gossip, it was how the interaction was making you feel. That is abundantly clear from what you told us. Your friend probably knows you well enough to know that whatever the issue is, it isn't the gossip. But since you weren't straightforward, he's left to guess about whatever the actual issue is. If he was more skilled socially (or if your friendship was as close or valuable as you appear to think) he might have said, "Really? I know you don't care about the gossip. Is something about the way that we are interacting bothering you?"
But that requires a lot of bravery and vulnerability on his part, bravery and vulnerability that you didn't show yourself, so it's an even bigger risk for him. The safest course of action for him is to shut things down completely. So you both have chosen a safer course over a brave and vulnerable course and that is fine. In the future try to be brave and vulnerable with the people that you value, but in my opinion it's best to just let things lie at this point with this person and be friendly and professional.
posted by Kwine at 9:35 AM on August 7, 2015
Wow, I don't get some of the criticisms of the OP's actions here at all. That some of you are saying she should NOT have mentioned the fact of the office gossip to the very guy whose out-of-line actions were causing it in the first place, in order to be more "straightforward" and "honest" in her dealings with him completely defies logic. Omit any mention of the gossip in order to be more.... truthful? For his benefit? Huh?
It's gross and frankly, sexist, to expect the OP to have silenced herself about the gossip. Nope, it's not her responsibility here to have done the emotional labor. The entire issue here is that it was his responsibility to behave in a sexually-appropriate manner at work, which he failed to do, and OF COURSE the office noticed. Guess who takes the blame though? The woman. Yuck.
posted by hush at 10:09 AM on August 7, 2015 [22 favorites]
It's gross and frankly, sexist, to expect the OP to have silenced herself about the gossip. Nope, it's not her responsibility here to have done the emotional labor. The entire issue here is that it was his responsibility to behave in a sexually-appropriate manner at work, which he failed to do, and OF COURSE the office noticed. Guess who takes the blame though? The woman. Yuck.
posted by hush at 10:09 AM on August 7, 2015 [22 favorites]
I didn't meant to criticize you, OP. Let me reframe my point. You didn't say, "I feel ok about this friendship but people are gossiping about it so now what?" You said, "I feel uncomfortable and confused about the dynamic in this friendship"
If it is correct that office gossip was not your primary concern than you were not straightforward with your friend. That's fine (as I mentioned), it's a perfectly acceptable way to handle things in a low trust situation. However, part of what you were wondering is, "I was straightforward about the issue and it didn't go the way that I hoped, did I do something wrong?" and part of the answer to that is, "You were not straightforward about the issue".
That's for your sake in your future interactions-it's important to recognize when you weren't feeling enough trust to be straightforward. I'm certainly not asking you do emotional labor on his behalf and I suspect that even if you had been straightforward that the outcome would not have been better. Not feeling safe enough to be straightforward is a good indicator that a friendship/relationship isn't what one hoped/thought it was, so better just to move forward.
posted by Kwine at 11:15 AM on August 7, 2015
If it is correct that office gossip was not your primary concern than you were not straightforward with your friend. That's fine (as I mentioned), it's a perfectly acceptable way to handle things in a low trust situation. However, part of what you were wondering is, "I was straightforward about the issue and it didn't go the way that I hoped, did I do something wrong?" and part of the answer to that is, "You were not straightforward about the issue".
That's for your sake in your future interactions-it's important to recognize when you weren't feeling enough trust to be straightforward. I'm certainly not asking you do emotional labor on his behalf and I suspect that even if you had been straightforward that the outcome would not have been better. Not feeling safe enough to be straightforward is a good indicator that a friendship/relationship isn't what one hoped/thought it was, so better just to move forward.
posted by Kwine at 11:15 AM on August 7, 2015
Re what happened, I would guess 2) but it's hard to be sure.
> I'm working up the nerve to talk to him again to clear the air, but I feel that if it's option 1 I'll just be digging myself deeper in his mind just by trying to talk.
My advice, don't do this. Leave it alone. You didn't do anything wrong. A little awkward, yes, but he's a grown man. Grown ups should be able to deal with these sorts of things.
Don't chase after him, don't try to fix it, and don't worry about reconciliation. He is the one that is being weird. He has the problem. Leave him alone and let him sort out the mess in his head himself.
He'll probably warm up some eventually. It won't be like it was before. This is for the best.
posted by mattu at 11:41 AM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
> I'm working up the nerve to talk to him again to clear the air, but I feel that if it's option 1 I'll just be digging myself deeper in his mind just by trying to talk.
My advice, don't do this. Leave it alone. You didn't do anything wrong. A little awkward, yes, but he's a grown man. Grown ups should be able to deal with these sorts of things.
Don't chase after him, don't try to fix it, and don't worry about reconciliation. He is the one that is being weird. He has the problem. Leave him alone and let him sort out the mess in his head himself.
He'll probably warm up some eventually. It won't be like it was before. This is for the best.
posted by mattu at 11:41 AM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
>
He laughed it off and changed the subject. Since then he's stopped talking to me. Radio silence.
>
Wow, I'm so sorry. He's being a jerk. You didn't do anything wrong at all. In fact, I think you did a brave and responsible thing. I absolutely disagree with the criticisms in this thread - I think it was actually a good thing that you framed it in terms of a work issue, making it less of a DTR conversation and giving you both a chance to save face.
You were probably hoping to make your friendship healthier and introduce some boundaries while still enjoying your interactions. Instead he cut you off completely. I'm so sorry, this must hurt.
As hard as it is, please do not try to fix it. You didn't do anything wrong and he's being unkind to you. He might feel embarrassed or hurt but he's not being kind. For now he's made it clear that he doesn't want to continue the friendship. Do not chase after him, do not clarify, do not apologize. You will only get hurt.
You have every reason to be proud of yourself.
posted by M. at 10:51 PM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
He laughed it off and changed the subject. Since then he's stopped talking to me. Radio silence.
>
Wow, I'm so sorry. He's being a jerk. You didn't do anything wrong at all. In fact, I think you did a brave and responsible thing. I absolutely disagree with the criticisms in this thread - I think it was actually a good thing that you framed it in terms of a work issue, making it less of a DTR conversation and giving you both a chance to save face.
You were probably hoping to make your friendship healthier and introduce some boundaries while still enjoying your interactions. Instead he cut you off completely. I'm so sorry, this must hurt.
As hard as it is, please do not try to fix it. You didn't do anything wrong and he's being unkind to you. He might feel embarrassed or hurt but he's not being kind. For now he's made it clear that he doesn't want to continue the friendship. Do not chase after him, do not clarify, do not apologize. You will only get hurt.
You have every reason to be proud of yourself.
posted by M. at 10:51 PM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Another one here thinking the OP shouldn't feel bad about how she phrased it. She is confused and uncomfortable with the dynamic on some level. If he needed clarification or more detail, he could've ASKED. Or you know, had a conversation about it. OP, he's probably embarrassed and/annoyed. Leave it be, he was a willing participant in the behavior, and can choose now to be an adult about it, or not.
posted by shazzam! at 12:27 AM on August 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by shazzam! at 12:27 AM on August 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Totally fair enough to have raised it - no social laws broken in most circles* - though keeping it to how you were feeling would have been simpler and cleaner I think.
If others are talking to you about how you're behaving in the office that's fine. People talking to you about the way he's behaving probably isn't unless you're his supervisor. Ideally people would take it up with him if they are wondering, or have concerns about what he's doing.
Your motivation was no doubt honourable and I can see it looked like a good opener, but citing the views/concerns of others added complexity to the message. The "people are gossiping" on its own may have freaked him out for a variety of reasons, which would obscure the point: You were starting to feel uncomfortable and wanted to check there was no misunderstanding about the nature of the relationship.
I don't think you should try to raise it with him again. You should continue to be decent and stay professional. It's a real shame about the friendship, but there is probably not much you can do about that at this point.
Maybe he was hoping to set you up as his off night backstreet and is ashamed and/or pissed off at being called on it. It's not like that would be a first. Maybe he was just enjoying the connection, hadn't thought about the ramifications until you brought it up and is now mortified that you and others think he has behaved inappropriately. There's no way to know without asking him and that may not be possible now.
* People in certain sub/cultures consider directly raising an issue to be vulgar and will avoid it if at all possible. Probably doesn't apply here.
posted by mewsic at 1:07 AM on August 8, 2015
If others are talking to you about how you're behaving in the office that's fine. People talking to you about the way he's behaving probably isn't unless you're his supervisor. Ideally people would take it up with him if they are wondering, or have concerns about what he's doing.
Your motivation was no doubt honourable and I can see it looked like a good opener, but citing the views/concerns of others added complexity to the message. The "people are gossiping" on its own may have freaked him out for a variety of reasons, which would obscure the point: You were starting to feel uncomfortable and wanted to check there was no misunderstanding about the nature of the relationship.
I don't think you should try to raise it with him again. You should continue to be decent and stay professional. It's a real shame about the friendship, but there is probably not much you can do about that at this point.
Maybe he was hoping to set you up as his off night backstreet and is ashamed and/or pissed off at being called on it. It's not like that would be a first. Maybe he was just enjoying the connection, hadn't thought about the ramifications until you brought it up and is now mortified that you and others think he has behaved inappropriately. There's no way to know without asking him and that may not be possible now.
* People in certain sub/cultures consider directly raising an issue to be vulgar and will avoid it if at all possible. Probably doesn't apply here.
posted by mewsic at 1:07 AM on August 8, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't know if he qualifies, but there's also a certain type of dude that really gets a charge out of aggressive flirting but who has absolutely no intention of acting on it. This type has a cruel streak.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 3:10 AM on August 7, 2015 [16 favorites]