there's no place like home unless you haven't gone one
April 11, 2015 3:06 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for comforting words and concrete advice on going through the growing pains of finding where I belong. Of course there are special snowflake details.
So I'm 23 and my life thus far has been characterised by upheaval and loneliness. I moved around often when I was a child, and in the last three years, I have lived in three different countries. While I'm grateful for the places and experiences I've had, the trade-off for having this "interesting" life is a quiet loneliness that never seems to go away.
I've lived in my latest city for six months. I have hobbies and other things to do to while away my time (Grad school! Three--yes, three--dance classes! Volunteer work!) I had a fairly decent group of friends, but it imploded when two of the people in it decided they hate each other, and because those two people were particularly close to me, every social event is a Kramer vs. Kramer-esque minefield for me. Despite that, I was feeling pretty great about my life until I realised as I was walking back from the shop with my partner that when the semester breaks up for eight weeks before our placements start, the handful of friends I still have will be leaving the city to go to their respective hometowns. I don't have that option because "home" is a 9-hour flight away, and I'm not particularly close to my family which is a depressing story for another time.
I realised that when I'm not with my partner during those eight weeks, I'll be alone. Yeah, I have hobbies and I'm friendly with the people there, but we're not close friends. The heart of the matter is I feel really lonely. My partner is great, but I can't spend all my time with him. He's also been friends with the same group of people for 20 years. They grew up in the same town. They all went to university in the same city. They graduated and all moved in together in a new city. I can't begrudge him/them the length of their friendship, but it breaks my heart a little bit when I'm around them because it feels like I've never had bonds like that and I'm never going to have bonds like that. It makes me feel pathetic when I think about how when I'm not around him, I have nobody, but when he's not around me, he still has a strong support system.
Everyone I meet here seems to have a similar story of deeply-embedded friendships. Most people grew up in this area and have never left. Even the acquaintances I have who are transplants to this city have been here for three years. No matter who I meet here, I feel like someone intruding on lives that were established well before I arrived.
Moving to a new city and making new friends isn't easy. That much I know. I know this requires patience and effort, and trust me when I say that I am putting all of that in while keeping a big smile on my face, but I'm miserable inside. The life I've had has made me fiercely independent, but I'm sick of that. I want closeness. I want connection. I put myself out there. I still feel like I have no one. I would gladly give up every "whoa, you've lived in so many places!" I've ever received as a compliment if it meant that I'd wake up one day feeling like people really wanted me in their lives.
How do I hang on until I find my people?
(Yes, I'm already in therapy.)
So I'm 23 and my life thus far has been characterised by upheaval and loneliness. I moved around often when I was a child, and in the last three years, I have lived in three different countries. While I'm grateful for the places and experiences I've had, the trade-off for having this "interesting" life is a quiet loneliness that never seems to go away.
I've lived in my latest city for six months. I have hobbies and other things to do to while away my time (Grad school! Three--yes, three--dance classes! Volunteer work!) I had a fairly decent group of friends, but it imploded when two of the people in it decided they hate each other, and because those two people were particularly close to me, every social event is a Kramer vs. Kramer-esque minefield for me. Despite that, I was feeling pretty great about my life until I realised as I was walking back from the shop with my partner that when the semester breaks up for eight weeks before our placements start, the handful of friends I still have will be leaving the city to go to their respective hometowns. I don't have that option because "home" is a 9-hour flight away, and I'm not particularly close to my family which is a depressing story for another time.
I realised that when I'm not with my partner during those eight weeks, I'll be alone. Yeah, I have hobbies and I'm friendly with the people there, but we're not close friends. The heart of the matter is I feel really lonely. My partner is great, but I can't spend all my time with him. He's also been friends with the same group of people for 20 years. They grew up in the same town. They all went to university in the same city. They graduated and all moved in together in a new city. I can't begrudge him/them the length of their friendship, but it breaks my heart a little bit when I'm around them because it feels like I've never had bonds like that and I'm never going to have bonds like that. It makes me feel pathetic when I think about how when I'm not around him, I have nobody, but when he's not around me, he still has a strong support system.
Everyone I meet here seems to have a similar story of deeply-embedded friendships. Most people grew up in this area and have never left. Even the acquaintances I have who are transplants to this city have been here for three years. No matter who I meet here, I feel like someone intruding on lives that were established well before I arrived.
Moving to a new city and making new friends isn't easy. That much I know. I know this requires patience and effort, and trust me when I say that I am putting all of that in while keeping a big smile on my face, but I'm miserable inside. The life I've had has made me fiercely independent, but I'm sick of that. I want closeness. I want connection. I put myself out there. I still feel like I have no one. I would gladly give up every "whoa, you've lived in so many places!" I've ever received as a compliment if it meant that I'd wake up one day feeling like people really wanted me in their lives.
How do I hang on until I find my people?
(Yes, I'm already in therapy.)
My first thought was similar to Kalmya, to tell you that you are doing really well for only six months in a new place - I find it takes at least 1-2 years to feel like you have any real friends and even longer to feel like you have deep roots. But you already know that...
So, thought on how to hang on:
- Self talk about how you are finally an adult and able to make the choices that will let you make long term relationships and that you are doing the right things and are exactly where you need to be right now to get to where you want to be in the long term.
- Think about people in past stages of your life that might be worth the effort of creating a solid long-distance friendship. For me, extended family (cousins, a sister-in-law) worked because we sort of have a connection even if I don't see them very often. Make it a habit to call people regularly just chat. What helped me was when I got in the habit of thinking about who I could call while I was exercising - made walking/ellipical less boring and gave me an excuse to call for no particular reason. Won't solve the problem immediately but it will give you another dimension to your friendship options.
- Find volunteer work where you get to interact with people who appreciate what you are doing for them. Not the same as a deep friendship but it can feel good to have people who saying are glad you are there.
posted by metahawk at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, thought on how to hang on:
- Self talk about how you are finally an adult and able to make the choices that will let you make long term relationships and that you are doing the right things and are exactly where you need to be right now to get to where you want to be in the long term.
- Think about people in past stages of your life that might be worth the effort of creating a solid long-distance friendship. For me, extended family (cousins, a sister-in-law) worked because we sort of have a connection even if I don't see them very often. Make it a habit to call people regularly just chat. What helped me was when I got in the habit of thinking about who I could call while I was exercising - made walking/ellipical less boring and gave me an excuse to call for no particular reason. Won't solve the problem immediately but it will give you another dimension to your friendship options.
- Find volunteer work where you get to interact with people who appreciate what you are doing for them. Not the same as a deep friendship but it can feel good to have people who saying are glad you are there.
posted by metahawk at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I totally identify with what you're talking about, right down to the ambitious schedule of activities to the external impression of "adventurousness" not really resonating to the childhood of many moves. While I do feel grateful that I've pushed myself into so many unexpected situations, I also crave that rootedness and stability, to be at home in myself and with others.
What has really, really helped me is recognizing that ruminating about macro-level decisions -- where should I move or not move, what group should I join or leave, etc -- hasn't done much for my sense of loneliness. Meanwhile, I feel like I've been discovering little antidotes to loneliness again and again, sometimes being able to stay with them, and other times setting them aside. As time goes on, I have become a little better and asking myself "okay, what can I do right now to feel rooted/connected/happy/cozy?" and following through. I've cultivated a bit of geeky introspective interest for these specific things, and I feel like they have really enriched my life. Your list may be different, but here's mine:
- Using a little more than typical energy to reach out to friends and family. For me this means skyping/google hangouts -- which I used to hate -- with friends, sending actually thoughtful e-mails to my mom instead of quick notes, looking for little presents for my nephew or sister and sending those in the mail, etc.
- Focusing on the craft of everyday life. I'm thinking especially of cooking and cleaning. If you love podcasts, really draw this out by thoroughly cleaning to your favorite episode of This American Life/ Idle Thumbs/whatever floats your boat! I feel like I have a regular hangout with Idle Thumbs folks weekly, and my floors get super clean. I like this.
- Host friends! Get in the habit of inviting friends to come visit you. Research the sorts of things you would like to show your friend in the city, and explore a bit on your own. Allow yourself to experience your little corner of the world through their eyes, and take pride in sharing a little bit of your adventurousness with them. Push yourself to make the offer to even newer friends, or as a means to connect with old ones.
- Relish whatever little everyday moments make you come alive, and use this moment of relative autonomy and searching to really dig into those. For me, this includes teaching myself more about makeup and exploring new fashion things, reminding myself how much I love poetry and going out and reading it, enjoying being alone on public transit. It sounds like you are already on your game w/r/t classes and formal obligations, but I would gently suggest seeking things in solitude, too. After 25 years of relative indifference to flowers and birds, I suddenly find myself absolutely fascinated and compelled by the local fauna after making a move to the pacific northwest, and I'm really enjoying trying to pay attention and experience what's flying/growing around.
- Along those lines, I try to be gentle with myself and appreciative of my own company. It sounds a little silly, but I find that the more I really enjoy and am at home with solitude and my own company, the more I have to give to my friends scattered around, and also the easier it is to click with and build meaningful relationships with new folks. For me, the critical piece of this is gentleness -- no super negative self talk, no knee-jerk fear of negative feelings when alone, just warm acceptance. Give yourself license to mess up and have false starts and get the balance all wrong.
What's kind of nice about this approach is that, if you're anything like me, the big-picture decisions will happen no matter what. With lots of effort and thought and pain and joy, to be sure! But we ultimately only have so much control of how those things go. On the other hand, every single moment is an opportunity to be kind to ourselves or not, to reach out to distant friends or not, to dwell a bit in happiness or not, to turn away from those raw feelings or to cry or yell and just feel them. I think you're in a position to learn so much about yourself, and again in a way that is inevitably set in motion already. You're already living that change and growth, allowing yourself to be alone and connect and just exist can play such a wonderful part. Okay hope that's of some help :)
posted by elephantsvanish at 10:08 PM on April 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
What has really, really helped me is recognizing that ruminating about macro-level decisions -- where should I move or not move, what group should I join or leave, etc -- hasn't done much for my sense of loneliness. Meanwhile, I feel like I've been discovering little antidotes to loneliness again and again, sometimes being able to stay with them, and other times setting them aside. As time goes on, I have become a little better and asking myself "okay, what can I do right now to feel rooted/connected/happy/cozy?" and following through. I've cultivated a bit of geeky introspective interest for these specific things, and I feel like they have really enriched my life. Your list may be different, but here's mine:
- Using a little more than typical energy to reach out to friends and family. For me this means skyping/google hangouts -- which I used to hate -- with friends, sending actually thoughtful e-mails to my mom instead of quick notes, looking for little presents for my nephew or sister and sending those in the mail, etc.
- Focusing on the craft of everyday life. I'm thinking especially of cooking and cleaning. If you love podcasts, really draw this out by thoroughly cleaning to your favorite episode of This American Life/ Idle Thumbs/whatever floats your boat! I feel like I have a regular hangout with Idle Thumbs folks weekly, and my floors get super clean. I like this.
- Host friends! Get in the habit of inviting friends to come visit you. Research the sorts of things you would like to show your friend in the city, and explore a bit on your own. Allow yourself to experience your little corner of the world through their eyes, and take pride in sharing a little bit of your adventurousness with them. Push yourself to make the offer to even newer friends, or as a means to connect with old ones.
- Relish whatever little everyday moments make you come alive, and use this moment of relative autonomy and searching to really dig into those. For me, this includes teaching myself more about makeup and exploring new fashion things, reminding myself how much I love poetry and going out and reading it, enjoying being alone on public transit. It sounds like you are already on your game w/r/t classes and formal obligations, but I would gently suggest seeking things in solitude, too. After 25 years of relative indifference to flowers and birds, I suddenly find myself absolutely fascinated and compelled by the local fauna after making a move to the pacific northwest, and I'm really enjoying trying to pay attention and experience what's flying/growing around.
- Along those lines, I try to be gentle with myself and appreciative of my own company. It sounds a little silly, but I find that the more I really enjoy and am at home with solitude and my own company, the more I have to give to my friends scattered around, and also the easier it is to click with and build meaningful relationships with new folks. For me, the critical piece of this is gentleness -- no super negative self talk, no knee-jerk fear of negative feelings when alone, just warm acceptance. Give yourself license to mess up and have false starts and get the balance all wrong.
What's kind of nice about this approach is that, if you're anything like me, the big-picture decisions will happen no matter what. With lots of effort and thought and pain and joy, to be sure! But we ultimately only have so much control of how those things go. On the other hand, every single moment is an opportunity to be kind to ourselves or not, to reach out to distant friends or not, to dwell a bit in happiness or not, to turn away from those raw feelings or to cry or yell and just feel them. I think you're in a position to learn so much about yourself, and again in a way that is inevitably set in motion already. You're already living that change and growth, allowing yourself to be alone and connect and just exist can play such a wonderful part. Okay hope that's of some help :)
posted by elephantsvanish at 10:08 PM on April 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'm 40 so I'm an old lady compared to you. I want to tell you something. Most people my age don't still have their friends from high school or college. If you're lucky, you'll manage to maintain a meaningful real life friendship with a handful. My point is, these groups of old friends you think everyone else has will disintegrate. People move, people have fights, someone will get a girlfriend no one else likes, someone will have four kids. Life changes, priorities change, schedules no longer coincide.
All of us, even those of us who didn't get moved around as much as you, have to actively work on maintaining and finding friendships. Even at 40, friendships change and friends come and go. It's never all sorted then you can go on cruise control.
You're still young enough to make friends who will be your dear old friends in 20 years time. Keep doing what you're doing, keep doing what you enjoy. Step up with inviting people to join you or to come over. Keep in touch with people. You will slowly but surely collect your people.
You really have done so great so far, you don't need to envy other people's connections, you're making your own. Give it time.
posted by stellathon at 9:48 PM on April 13, 2015
All of us, even those of us who didn't get moved around as much as you, have to actively work on maintaining and finding friendships. Even at 40, friendships change and friends come and go. It's never all sorted then you can go on cruise control.
You're still young enough to make friends who will be your dear old friends in 20 years time. Keep doing what you're doing, keep doing what you enjoy. Step up with inviting people to join you or to come over. Keep in touch with people. You will slowly but surely collect your people.
You really have done so great so far, you don't need to envy other people's connections, you're making your own. Give it time.
posted by stellathon at 9:48 PM on April 13, 2015
So I was ruminating on this because I too have a partner with a close-knit group of hometown friends he's known since high school at the latest, and 1st grade in at least one case. And I do not have anything like that at all, due to too much moving around as a teen and generally moving to far flung places every few years as an adult.
But when I watch my partner make (reluctantly) new friends, I see that asking for favors and in turn giving favors is one way he jumpstarts the closeness process. People feel closer to him despite his generally underwhelming first impressions because he asks for their company at lunch, for a ride, for a place to crash. I'm not saying be a giant mooch all the time, but acknowledging your own simple needs (both emotional and material) instead of trying to be super independent all the time, begins to knit together a sense of inter-relationship that can help cement friendships. I learned to shamelessly cadge car rides from acquaintances after events, and that 10 minute car ride is one on one time that sometimes is intensely personal and other times just a way to get home, but I attribute at least 2 good friendships I've made in the last 5 years to having asked them for a ride home!
posted by spamandkimchi at 11:00 AM on April 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
But when I watch my partner make (reluctantly) new friends, I see that asking for favors and in turn giving favors is one way he jumpstarts the closeness process. People feel closer to him despite his generally underwhelming first impressions because he asks for their company at lunch, for a ride, for a place to crash. I'm not saying be a giant mooch all the time, but acknowledging your own simple needs (both emotional and material) instead of trying to be super independent all the time, begins to knit together a sense of inter-relationship that can help cement friendships. I learned to shamelessly cadge car rides from acquaintances after events, and that 10 minute car ride is one on one time that sometimes is intensely personal and other times just a way to get home, but I attribute at least 2 good friendships I've made in the last 5 years to having asked them for a ride home!
posted by spamandkimchi at 11:00 AM on April 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just chiming in to correct the typo in my heading. It should be "got one".
posted by quadrant seasons at 5:19 AM on April 28, 2015
posted by quadrant seasons at 5:19 AM on April 28, 2015
Best answer: At 23, you are still young, and if your life takes a path similar to mine, this feeling you have may just be an episode. I went through a very bad time at 23, and it was an incredible period of growth. This longing for connection may be upon you to give you the motivation to welcome good people into your life, and appreciate your future connections even more than if you weren't down right now. I wish you well, keep on keeping on.
posted by Shylo at 6:26 PM on May 14, 2015
posted by Shylo at 6:26 PM on May 14, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Kalmya at 6:39 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]