What Do You See In This OK Cupid Profile?
October 1, 2014 4:50 AM Subscribe
I'm not looking for advice about my OKC Profile so much as I want to get your impression of what it's saying.
OK, it's here.
I know what I want to communicate. I just want to see how that matches up with what a you as a cold reader see. If you're going to answer, please look at my profile before reading comments.
OK, it's here.
I know what I want to communicate. I just want to see how that matches up with what a you as a cold reader see. If you're going to answer, please look at my profile before reading comments.
To be honest, it comes off like you think OKC is beneath you. You sound a little contemptuous of the whole thing.
posted by Think_Long at 5:03 AM on October 1, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 5:03 AM on October 1, 2014 [19 favorites]
Your "What I'm doing with my life" section makes you sound...wishy-washy? It's not compelling. Putting I'm going to give up on that idea... right there in your profile is a Bad Idea. It makes you seem unmotivated and unambitious and therefore, to many viewers, unattractive.
To a somewhat lesser extent, your "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section makes you sound lost, a bit like you're floundering. I get that you're going through some life changes/transitions, but the way you describe that in this section is very unappealing.
Also, you need to change your profile pic. I like the second one from the bottom best, and the second one from the top is also nice. They're both much better than your current profile pic.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:08 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
To a somewhat lesser extent, your "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section makes you sound lost, a bit like you're floundering. I get that you're going through some life changes/transitions, but the way you describe that in this section is very unappealing.
Also, you need to change your profile pic. I like the second one from the bottom best, and the second one from the top is also nice. They're both much better than your current profile pic.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:08 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I too had to read that opener several times. You seem prickly and unhappy, and I don't know what you expect to get out of your profile. Also, personally even after figuring out what you meant, I'm still confused about why you would only date bi/pan people if the relationship is monogamous, and think that at least an explanation would make it seem less standoffish.
posted by hollyholly at 5:09 AM on October 1, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 5:09 AM on October 1, 2014 [10 favorites]
I am confused too but that's ok, I am not your target audience. I just came here to say that I think you have a typo here:
On the other hand, I've quite self aware enough to know that [...]
posted by rada at 5:11 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, I've quite self aware enough to know that [...]
posted by rada at 5:11 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's confusing, overly aggressive (the first line especially...you can state your preferences without being a jerk about it), doesn't seem like you really would want someone in your life anyway, and I have zero idea what you're looking for in a mate besides being nongay/nonstraight. I agree you seem really unhappy and basically a total downer.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but this is one of the most confusing profiles I've ever read.
posted by Aranquis at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [15 favorites]
I'm not trying to be harsh, but this is one of the most confusing profiles I've ever read.
posted by Aranquis at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [15 favorites]
I thought it was confusing, too wordy, and negative. You start out with everything you don't want; I had to get to the very bottom of the profile to see what kind of relationship you are looking for.
(I'm not in your target demographic, for what it's worth)
posted by Fig at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
(I'm not in your target demographic, for what it's worth)
posted by Fig at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My impressions after having read the profile a few times:
You're in transition in every aspect of your life (and not really looking for a major relationship where you currently are), you're incredibly busy (no room in your life for a partner), and you seem to have filled out the profile under duress and are kind of cranky about the whole thing.
posted by belladonna at 5:21 AM on October 1, 2014 [14 favorites]
You're in transition in every aspect of your life (and not really looking for a major relationship where you currently are), you're incredibly busy (no room in your life for a partner), and you seem to have filled out the profile under duress and are kind of cranky about the whole thing.
posted by belladonna at 5:21 AM on October 1, 2014 [14 favorites]
I get a vibe that's quite hostile/resentful/sarcastic, as if you only made this profile because you lost a bet or a friend challenged you to do it and you said "OK, then, I'll do it but I'll write whatever the hell I want."
I also get the sense that you don't like or want to stay where you are, so as someone who lives close to you and likes it here, I'd write you off as a possibility. (I'm not in your demographic, orientation-wise, but if I was, I'd wonder if you even want to meet anyone in southern NE.)
I get the sense that you have a lot of interesting stories, but what I'd hear about instead, if we met, would be work/life rants/complaints.
(And I love the cat & his name.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:21 AM on October 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I also get the sense that you don't like or want to stay where you are, so as someone who lives close to you and likes it here, I'd write you off as a possibility. (I'm not in your demographic, orientation-wise, but if I was, I'd wonder if you even want to meet anyone in southern NE.)
I get the sense that you have a lot of interesting stories, but what I'd hear about instead, if we met, would be work/life rants/complaints.
(And I love the cat & his name.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:21 AM on October 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I also get the sense that you don't like or want to stay where you are, so as someone who lives close to you and likes it here, I'd write you off as a possibility. (I'm not in your demographic, orientation-wise, but if I was, I'd wonder if you even want to meet anyone in southern NE.)
I get the sense that you have a lot of interesting stories, but what I'd hear about instead, if we met, would be work/life rants/complaints.
To clarify what I meant by this, because I realize on non-preview that it sounds like advice: The impression I get is that you intentionally wrote the profile to put off people in your geographic region, and that you wanted to make yourself seem difficult to talk to. It almost reads like an experiment to find out who will contact you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:37 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I get the sense that you have a lot of interesting stories, but what I'd hear about instead, if we met, would be work/life rants/complaints.
To clarify what I meant by this, because I realize on non-preview that it sounds like advice: The impression I get is that you intentionally wrote the profile to put off people in your geographic region, and that you wanted to make yourself seem difficult to talk to. It almost reads like an experiment to find out who will contact you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:37 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's an overall negative vibe to your profile that's quite offputting.
I could mayyyyybe get past most of it but this would make me click away instantly, "I really don't expect anyone to read through this. This is tag/search bait."
It comes off as incredibly rude and overly challenging. It's both dismissive and passive-aggressive, like people on Facebook who post a status that begins "Let's see how many of my 'friends' will actually read this."
You've got some great pics! Maybe lead with the cat or "digging" one instead?
posted by _Mona_ at 5:39 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
I could mayyyyybe get past most of it but this would make me click away instantly, "I really don't expect anyone to read through this. This is tag/search bait."
It comes off as incredibly rude and overly challenging. It's both dismissive and passive-aggressive, like people on Facebook who post a status that begins "Let's see how many of my 'friends' will actually read this."
You've got some great pics! Maybe lead with the cat or "digging" one instead?
posted by _Mona_ at 5:39 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
You sound pushy, defensive, unhappy, cynical, lacking in humor, and negative. My impression of what you're saying in this profile is that you're more interested in being alone than in compromise with anyone on any level.
I'm not in your demographic. I'd steer away anyone who was who asked my opinion.
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not in your demographic. I'd steer away anyone who was who asked my opinion.
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It read a bit more like a job application than a dating profile. The photos looked fun but reading it, I didn't feel like I would have fun with that person. It was an odd mix of too
much detail but still leaving me unsure of what you were actually looking for.
posted by KateViolet at 6:04 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
much detail but still leaving me unsure of what you were actually looking for.
posted by KateViolet at 6:04 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
You sound kind of directionless, and maybe bitter (I have a strong prejudice against negative statements in the first paragraph, though). It's not clear what you're actually into.
posted by mskyle at 6:22 AM on October 1, 2014
posted by mskyle at 6:22 AM on October 1, 2014
It sounds like the profile of someone who's interesting and really likeable underneath, but who's been kicked around a little by current circumstances, and as a result is cynical and somewhat lonely, with a hard, spiky shell of preemptive self-deprecation. I get the sense you desperately want someone to open your heart to, but you sure as hell aren't gonna help them.
I also get the sense that it's the profile of the kind of person who thinks he's communicating perfectly clearly - not just in his profile but in general - and would think less of someone who misinterpreted or didn't understand him. Sorry about that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:24 AM on October 1, 2014 [14 favorites]
I also get the sense that it's the profile of the kind of person who thinks he's communicating perfectly clearly - not just in his profile but in general - and would think less of someone who misinterpreted or didn't understand him. Sorry about that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:24 AM on October 1, 2014 [14 favorites]
"I have a couple of good friends (...) who seem to have a pretty good relationship and which seems to work along the lines that I think might suit me best."
This kind of sums it up for me. You come across as someone who has never had a good relationship and doesn't know how they even work (or what kind of effort they require from you) but you've seen your buddies have them and now you're out shopping for a pre-packaged girl-/boyfriend.
I see no curiosity or interest in the other person, no willingness to discover their delights, only an effort to be precise in order to maximise the level of good fit.
You explain a lot of background stuff that nobody's interested in, for instance that you have a friend at OK Cupid.
The picture it paints of you is of someone who believes he is very rational, precise, believes in the value of facts/information as a conversational offering (rather than empathy, humor etc.). You also strike me as someone who is a tone deaf about what information he shares how and when. That is, you don't adjust what you are saying to who you are talking to and what the context is, because you don't have a feel for what is appropriate and welcome. I also hazard the guess that you feel this is a superior trait and call it "honesty" (it's not, it's offputting).
I also get the impression from your friend-dropping that you are feeling a bit out of your depth in the world of dating and emotions so you invoke your friends to show that hey, you're no expert on this dating stuff but you have an external authority to fall back on.
All in all you seem skittish and ambivalent about online dating, like it takes you way out of your comfort zone, and you are being extra gruff so that if it fails you can be all "I didn't want this anyway."
You are competing against men who are way better at showing enthusiasm, curiosity, friendliness and openness. If this isn't some kind of experiment, I'd completely rethink the profile.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:26 AM on October 1, 2014 [15 favorites]
This kind of sums it up for me. You come across as someone who has never had a good relationship and doesn't know how they even work (or what kind of effort they require from you) but you've seen your buddies have them and now you're out shopping for a pre-packaged girl-/boyfriend.
I see no curiosity or interest in the other person, no willingness to discover their delights, only an effort to be precise in order to maximise the level of good fit.
You explain a lot of background stuff that nobody's interested in, for instance that you have a friend at OK Cupid.
The picture it paints of you is of someone who believes he is very rational, precise, believes in the value of facts/information as a conversational offering (rather than empathy, humor etc.). You also strike me as someone who is a tone deaf about what information he shares how and when. That is, you don't adjust what you are saying to who you are talking to and what the context is, because you don't have a feel for what is appropriate and welcome. I also hazard the guess that you feel this is a superior trait and call it "honesty" (it's not, it's offputting).
I also get the impression from your friend-dropping that you are feeling a bit out of your depth in the world of dating and emotions so you invoke your friends to show that hey, you're no expert on this dating stuff but you have an external authority to fall back on.
All in all you seem skittish and ambivalent about online dating, like it takes you way out of your comfort zone, and you are being extra gruff so that if it fails you can be all "I didn't want this anyway."
You are competing against men who are way better at showing enthusiasm, curiosity, friendliness and openness. If this isn't some kind of experiment, I'd completely rethink the profile.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:26 AM on October 1, 2014 [15 favorites]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted; helpful answers that explain or offer some feedback, please.
posted by taz (staff) at 6:34 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:34 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I get the sense that you're someone who's been badly burned by sexism/biphobia/general failures of communication in nerd communities in particular. And looking over your lists of interests, I get that. I like a lot of those same obscure indie RPGs as you; in fact, reading over your profile, I found myself double-checking your photos trying to figure out if we'd ever met at a con before. I know how the indie games community came about, in part, as a response to horrendous sexism and group dynamics in "normal" RPGs. Somewhere beneath all the defensiveness, I think you're looking for someone with (certain kinds of) nerdy interests who's also taken the time to think some about privilege and social justice. Someone who won't reflexively dismiss you for being queer, who won't evangelically push for polyamory, who won't drop horrible egregious comments about women's breasts at the gaming table. Your prickly exterior and your obvious frustration are almost certainly putting people off--they'd put me off, for sure--but oh lord do I know where they come from.
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:56 AM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:56 AM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
Unbelievably long-winded, lots of filler content/explanations. That alone is usually a red flag for me that someone seems self-absorbed or self-centered.
posted by blazingunicorn at 6:59 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by blazingunicorn at 6:59 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
My impression is that you don't seem particularly happy with where your life is right now. You seem self-conscious and defensive, and I'm not sure if that's part of an inward-looking personality or a reflection of your current circumstances. The parts of your profile that talk about the future you're looking for (PhD program) don't sound hopeful or upbeat. Instead you make it sound like you're slogging toward that eventuality and don't think you'll ever get to it. And I don't even know what PhD you're looking for- archaeology? Even getting an archaeology job doesn't sound positive because you immediately, negatively propose "although I fear I'll somehow turn into an IT expert for archaeological organizations." You talk about having a lot on your plate and how much you enjoy living alone. Do you have room in your life for a partner right now?
I am also confused about who you want in a partner. What exactly are you looking for in terms of their sexuality and preferences? Instead of couching it as who you don't want (straight or gay folks), why not ask for who you do want (presumably bi or pan folks???)?
As an aside, according to OkCupid, we are a 97% match. I have an archaeology background too! I live too far away, I am straight, and I am at the extreme bottom of your age range (and that's a whole other thing you might want to think about . . .), but all that aside if you were local I'd be a little too discouraged by the negativity to want to pursue. I have no doubt that you're actually a cool guy, just need to present yourself a little more positively!
posted by Mouse Army at 7:03 AM on October 1, 2014
I am also confused about who you want in a partner. What exactly are you looking for in terms of their sexuality and preferences? Instead of couching it as who you don't want (straight or gay folks), why not ask for who you do want (presumably bi or pan folks???)?
As an aside, according to OkCupid, we are a 97% match. I have an archaeology background too! I live too far away, I am straight, and I am at the extreme bottom of your age range (and that's a whole other thing you might want to think about . . .), but all that aside if you were local I'd be a little too discouraged by the negativity to want to pursue. I have no doubt that you're actually a cool guy, just need to present yourself a little more positively!
posted by Mouse Army at 7:03 AM on October 1, 2014
Best answer: It sounds like a job application, rather than a dating profile. And you come off as judgmental.
Save your story and explanations for the date. Keep the profile much more simple. Agree with the others who have said that a but more of a positive spin might be all that is necessary!
posted by troytroy at 7:31 AM on October 1, 2014
Save your story and explanations for the date. Keep the profile much more simple. Agree with the others who have said that a but more of a positive spin might be all that is necessary!
posted by troytroy at 7:31 AM on October 1, 2014
Best answer: (This is from a open-minded, yet straight female point of view...)
Confidence in who you are, without too much ego, which is going to make some people snarky or nervous or confrontational, but then, those aren't the sort of people you really want to meet, anyway.
Definitely not desperate - in fact, it's more like you're making sure you're out there, in case anyone happens along who just might *click* with you, but it's obvious that 1) dating and meeting new people isn't a super high priority right now, and 2) you don't base your self-worth on what relationships you're in or seeking. But, there's nothing wrong at all with *casually* looking - though there are a lot of people who will ding you for it.
Years ago, when I was looking - I'd have messaged you. I'd have been pleasantly surprised to encounter such a level-headed, REAL-feeling profile from a person who seemed significantly more well-adjusted than the average online dating person. And I'd take note that yeah, I wasn't your target market - but I'm always open to new friends, too, and relate better with guys - and you *do* leave it open for that.
I'd hope that you would get the rare person who is actually the right one to respond... but given that the majority of people simply aren't, I'd bet the noise to signal ratio is pretty darn high. Standards and expectations are exceeding low as a rule these days - and the online dating market just drops that level even further from the basement to pretty much the earth's core.
In other words... OK Cupid isn't going to be where you find much. The quality simply isn't what one would hope. However... there might be a gem or two out there somewhere, and if it stays up, they might find you. Can't find what isn't there.
posted by stormyteal at 7:34 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
Confidence in who you are, without too much ego, which is going to make some people snarky or nervous or confrontational, but then, those aren't the sort of people you really want to meet, anyway.
Definitely not desperate - in fact, it's more like you're making sure you're out there, in case anyone happens along who just might *click* with you, but it's obvious that 1) dating and meeting new people isn't a super high priority right now, and 2) you don't base your self-worth on what relationships you're in or seeking. But, there's nothing wrong at all with *casually* looking - though there are a lot of people who will ding you for it.
Years ago, when I was looking - I'd have messaged you. I'd have been pleasantly surprised to encounter such a level-headed, REAL-feeling profile from a person who seemed significantly more well-adjusted than the average online dating person. And I'd take note that yeah, I wasn't your target market - but I'm always open to new friends, too, and relate better with guys - and you *do* leave it open for that.
I'd hope that you would get the rare person who is actually the right one to respond... but given that the majority of people simply aren't, I'd bet the noise to signal ratio is pretty darn high. Standards and expectations are exceeding low as a rule these days - and the online dating market just drops that level even further from the basement to pretty much the earth's core.
In other words... OK Cupid isn't going to be where you find much. The quality simply isn't what one would hope. However... there might be a gem or two out there somewhere, and if it stays up, they might find you. Can't find what isn't there.
posted by stormyteal at 7:34 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
The main thing that jumped out at me (besides a ton of negativity) was that your first several paragraphs really read more like job application than anything for a dating site. I would find a way to bring more of the information at the bottom up towards the top.
_Mona_'s comment on the search tags expressed exactly how I felt about it too.
posted by brilliantine at 7:40 AM on October 1, 2014
_Mona_'s comment on the search tags expressed exactly how I felt about it too.
posted by brilliantine at 7:40 AM on October 1, 2014
Best answer: You’re looking for someone to date but aren’t interested in living with someone. You are looking for someone who doesn’t identify as a 0 or a 6 on the Kinsey scale.
If I’m right, though, it took some work to figure this out; enough work that a casual skimmer probably would have clicked on. And your first sentence was confusing, making it unclear as to whether you’ re only looking for a platonic relationship.
(But we’re a 92% match!)
posted by metasarah at 8:01 AM on October 1, 2014
If I’m right, though, it took some work to figure this out; enough work that a casual skimmer probably would have clicked on. And your first sentence was confusing, making it unclear as to whether you’ re only looking for a platonic relationship.
(But we’re a 92% match!)
posted by metasarah at 8:01 AM on October 1, 2014
Best answer: We have a pretty high match percentage, and I'm queer, so I'm probably your target audience. But your profile comes off as kind of pissed and prickly. I'm wondering if it's supposed to be humorous? It's not working, if so.
My strategy for OKC is to note at the bottom the kinds of people I am not interested in, because then I can feel free to ignore messages that don't fit my criteria. I fill the rest of my profile with positive info about who I am and things I love, while remaining very clear about my life and my limitations.
If you want all that media to be searchable, you can make them links by surrounding them with [[brackets like this]], I think.
It would be cool if you could let us know what you like to go and do. What do you like? What do you love? What are you passionate about?
posted by woodvine at 8:04 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
My strategy for OKC is to note at the bottom the kinds of people I am not interested in, because then I can feel free to ignore messages that don't fit my criteria. I fill the rest of my profile with positive info about who I am and things I love, while remaining very clear about my life and my limitations.
If you want all that media to be searchable, you can make them links by surrounding them with [[brackets like this]], I think.
It would be cool if you could let us know what you like to go and do. What do you like? What do you love? What are you passionate about?
posted by woodvine at 8:04 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I read this a few times, so this is now my overall impression. I am breaking this down section by section because maybe you want to know whether cold readers interpret part A, B, or C, as whatever.
The initial "before you message me" section confused me: "I'm only interested in people who are neither gay nor straight for any sort of relationship beyond the platonic." Did not understand this at all within the first few sentences. However, I understood this, which was buried much further in your profile, " What I do know is that I need to limit my dating pool to those of you who are non-binary queer, i.e. not straight folks nor gay folks."
The next few paragraphs (aka what's my story). Main impression: Transition, possible sadness (ie, it definitely sounds like you don't want to live in your current city and miss your life/support from another place), with visions of a dream of something else (grad school)- although it almost sounds dismissive of your goal (ie "at my age? Yeah, I know").
What I'm doing with my life - still transition, goal of something else for career, but you might not be sure if this is what you want to do as a career, either (ie, "I fear I'll somehow turn into an IT expert for archaeological organizations.")
Favorite books, movies, etc. It feels like you have not yet edited this section at all because there are 2 paragraphs explaining why it is there and how you plan to use it. As a reader, I'm not quite sure why it is there. I do get the section with the books, etc, just not the entire introduction.
The I spend a lot of time thinking about:
First paragraph does not seem edited yet. Is this your vision of an ideal relationship, if so, why not just say it (ie, living alone, side by side, or whatever).
The second paragraph (non-binary queen) finally helped clarify what you are looking for.
----
I'm not sure if this will help because I am not in your demographic. But when I review profiles I try to imagine what if this person were in my demographic, what would I like or what questions would I ask before answering this person's profile?
The big question that I had was: What does this person want in a partner (other than being bi).What attracts you and/or is an ideal relationship.
What are you passionate/interested in/happy about? It was hard to see this in your profile. I get that you are trying to get into a PhD program for archeology and/or transition into this for a full time job, but when I read it, even enjoying/liking this field did not come across. What came across were the doubts/anxieties.
How would you have a long-term relationship? You checked it as something that you were looking for, but you also state you don't like where you are living/do not plan to live there, and there is a lot of transition in your life.
Although I'm not a picture person and pictures generally don't tell me much more about a person, I thought your pictures presented an image of having interests/passions, and some happiness (in particular, the blacksmith picture, digging, and the picture with your cat was great).
posted by Wolfster at 8:16 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
The initial "before you message me" section confused me: "I'm only interested in people who are neither gay nor straight for any sort of relationship beyond the platonic." Did not understand this at all within the first few sentences. However, I understood this, which was buried much further in your profile, " What I do know is that I need to limit my dating pool to those of you who are non-binary queer, i.e. not straight folks nor gay folks."
The next few paragraphs (aka what's my story). Main impression: Transition, possible sadness (ie, it definitely sounds like you don't want to live in your current city and miss your life/support from another place), with visions of a dream of something else (grad school)- although it almost sounds dismissive of your goal (ie "at my age? Yeah, I know").
What I'm doing with my life - still transition, goal of something else for career, but you might not be sure if this is what you want to do as a career, either (ie, "I fear I'll somehow turn into an IT expert for archaeological organizations.")
Favorite books, movies, etc. It feels like you have not yet edited this section at all because there are 2 paragraphs explaining why it is there and how you plan to use it. As a reader, I'm not quite sure why it is there. I do get the section with the books, etc, just not the entire introduction.
The I spend a lot of time thinking about:
First paragraph does not seem edited yet. Is this your vision of an ideal relationship, if so, why not just say it (ie, living alone, side by side, or whatever).
The second paragraph (non-binary queen) finally helped clarify what you are looking for.
----
I'm not sure if this will help because I am not in your demographic. But when I review profiles I try to imagine what if this person were in my demographic, what would I like or what questions would I ask before answering this person's profile?
The big question that I had was: What does this person want in a partner (other than being bi).What attracts you and/or is an ideal relationship.
What are you passionate/interested in/happy about? It was hard to see this in your profile. I get that you are trying to get into a PhD program for archeology and/or transition into this for a full time job, but when I read it, even enjoying/liking this field did not come across. What came across were the doubts/anxieties.
How would you have a long-term relationship? You checked it as something that you were looking for, but you also state you don't like where you are living/do not plan to live there, and there is a lot of transition in your life.
Although I'm not a picture person and pictures generally don't tell me much more about a person, I thought your pictures presented an image of having interests/passions, and some happiness (in particular, the blacksmith picture, digging, and the picture with your cat was great).
posted by Wolfster at 8:16 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I am in your target demographic.
I found the profile hard to read, because almost everything you said made me want to reflexively click away and do something else. After I read it I had no impression of your personality, other than a guess (from your writing) that you're very self-involved and that you're bimbling around waiting for life to happen to you.
Things I found that said "don't bother with this": blank, liminal, limbo, these days, life support, horrors, "somehow turn into", "really stubborn cuss", "I keep hearing from friends", "I really don't expect anyone to read through this.", "I have a couple of good friends .... who seem to have a pretty good relationship...." (who cares!), "So it goes."
If I thought anything, it's that you wrote that on purpose so that people would find you boring, even though I suspect you're not.
One could write a profile from those same facts in a style that would make me read them all and then go "he sounds interesting!" and message you. If I were available and local etc etc.
posted by emilyw at 8:38 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
I found the profile hard to read, because almost everything you said made me want to reflexively click away and do something else. After I read it I had no impression of your personality, other than a guess (from your writing) that you're very self-involved and that you're bimbling around waiting for life to happen to you.
Things I found that said "don't bother with this": blank, liminal, limbo, these days, life support, horrors, "somehow turn into", "really stubborn cuss", "I keep hearing from friends", "I really don't expect anyone to read through this.", "I have a couple of good friends .... who seem to have a pretty good relationship...." (who cares!), "So it goes."
If I thought anything, it's that you wrote that on purpose so that people would find you boring, even though I suspect you're not.
One could write a profile from those same facts in a style that would make me read them all and then go "he sounds interesting!" and message you. If I were available and local etc etc.
posted by emilyw at 8:38 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
I would be in your target demographic if I were single, and I guess the biggest impression I got from your profile is that you've been burned by a lot of unfortunate situations in life and are feeling kinda knocked down. I can totally get that, but I am also one to think that you need to make yourself happy before you can be happy in a relationship. But, in the meantime, I think the best thing you could do for this profile would be to put in more positives -- of what you like, love, want, desire, etc. Just as one example: your "what I do on Friday nights" is to take an online degree program. Fine, but how does that help a potential partner figure out if you guys would be a good match or fit into each other's lives? A better way to phrase this might be something like "At the moment, my Friday nights are devoted to my online degree program. But, my Saturdays are pretty open and I'd love someone to do X with me!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:39 AM on October 1, 2014
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:39 AM on October 1, 2014
Bear without a heart. Wow. Yeah.
OK, so your profile communicates "clinically depressed and emotionally abusive, do not engage" by the second sentence. Which is really unfortunate, because I'm in your target demographic, we're a 91% match, and the way you write when you're not shitting all over either yourself or your prospective partners is like candy to me and, I would suspect, most of mefi. I, too, would love to hang out and freak out about Korra and Alison Bechdel while listening to Mermaid Avenue. Your blacksmith photo is lovely. Etc.
My impression is that you are seriously depressed and socially isolated, and were pressured into making this profile by the friend groups you've been geographically cut off from. They've been telling you to socialize with people in your current city, and you're torn between wanting to actually meet someone to share your life with and wanting to shut them down. As it stands, you're going to turn most people off, and attract people who are either emotional masochists who want an angry bear to be mean to them, Fixers, or a combination of the two. There is a whole world of Britta Perrys out there itching to try to prove you wrong about having a heart and offer themselves up as a punching bag for you take out your issues with yourself and your previous relationship. Not good. It sounds like you've been knocked down by the world quite a bit in the last few years, but you need to work on not focusing your unhappiness on your partner, making it their responsibility, making them into a symbolic microcosm of the shittiness of the world who you can then be justifiably bitter at and disappointed with, etc.
If you are seriously looking for a date rather than having written this profile under duress as a middle finger to meddling friends, you probably want to be a lot more clear about looking for a queer/bi/NB partner. "I'm only interested in people who are neither gay nor straight for any sort of relationship beyond the platonic." made me think that you were asexual and ignorant about bisexuality; only later down the profile did you show that you're actually have a very serious and nuanced take on the gender spectrum.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 12:04 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
OK, so your profile communicates "clinically depressed and emotionally abusive, do not engage" by the second sentence. Which is really unfortunate, because I'm in your target demographic, we're a 91% match, and the way you write when you're not shitting all over either yourself or your prospective partners is like candy to me and, I would suspect, most of mefi. I, too, would love to hang out and freak out about Korra and Alison Bechdel while listening to Mermaid Avenue. Your blacksmith photo is lovely. Etc.
My impression is that you are seriously depressed and socially isolated, and were pressured into making this profile by the friend groups you've been geographically cut off from. They've been telling you to socialize with people in your current city, and you're torn between wanting to actually meet someone to share your life with and wanting to shut them down. As it stands, you're going to turn most people off, and attract people who are either emotional masochists who want an angry bear to be mean to them, Fixers, or a combination of the two. There is a whole world of Britta Perrys out there itching to try to prove you wrong about having a heart and offer themselves up as a punching bag for you take out your issues with yourself and your previous relationship. Not good. It sounds like you've been knocked down by the world quite a bit in the last few years, but you need to work on not focusing your unhappiness on your partner, making it their responsibility, making them into a symbolic microcosm of the shittiness of the world who you can then be justifiably bitter at and disappointed with, etc.
If you are seriously looking for a date rather than having written this profile under duress as a middle finger to meddling friends, you probably want to be a lot more clear about looking for a queer/bi/NB partner. "I'm only interested in people who are neither gay nor straight for any sort of relationship beyond the platonic." made me think that you were asexual and ignorant about bisexuality; only later down the profile did you show that you're actually have a very serious and nuanced take on the gender spectrum.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 12:04 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: In clicking through from this question, you've immediately given me two direct commands: don't read comments, don't message you if I'm straight or gay and interested in a sexual relationship. My immediate impression from this is that you think you know better than me, and you suspect that I'm prone to doing things wrong, i.e. that I haven't understood your question very well and won't read your profile. The bit about "not your 'Daddy'" suggests that other people have confirmed this suspicion many times in the past, but it still rankled that this was the very first thing you wanted to tell me.
Then however you went on to address me as if I knew you and had been keeping track of what's up with your profile, which made me think you're a somewhat self-centered conversationalist but at least an exhaustively honest one, rather than a macho braggart. Your life seems to be up in the air and, while you have plans for lots of contingencies, it means that my non-straight non-gay self had better not be thinking of anything particularly long-term with you. Which is really a moot point, because at this point you've told me in a bunch of different ways that you're not actually looking for a relationship.
I took you at your word about not reading the wall of search-bait text. This left me with no clue about what we might actually have in common. Sorry; you acted like I'd be foolish to bother and I was feeling exasperated.
In the end, although I'm not exactly sure why it's under the "thinking about" section, your "alone...with cats" line suggested that, despite all of the above, you're probably an okay guy to have as a friend, as did the non-heteronormative chatter and the tone of general contentment about your previous relationship. "So it goes," finally made me smile and feel like I understood you as a person who's more tired of the world not being the way it could be than he is perpetually grumpy about all the stupid people in it. After such a heavy-hearted tour of your life as it is versus how you want it to be (different, somewhere better), your proposal of an evening spent "squeeing" over anything and the photos of you actually enjoying stuff cinched that impression.
posted by teremala at 12:19 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Then however you went on to address me as if I knew you and had been keeping track of what's up with your profile, which made me think you're a somewhat self-centered conversationalist but at least an exhaustively honest one, rather than a macho braggart. Your life seems to be up in the air and, while you have plans for lots of contingencies, it means that my non-straight non-gay self had better not be thinking of anything particularly long-term with you. Which is really a moot point, because at this point you've told me in a bunch of different ways that you're not actually looking for a relationship.
I took you at your word about not reading the wall of search-bait text. This left me with no clue about what we might actually have in common. Sorry; you acted like I'd be foolish to bother and I was feeling exasperated.
In the end, although I'm not exactly sure why it's under the "thinking about" section, your "alone...with cats" line suggested that, despite all of the above, you're probably an okay guy to have as a friend, as did the non-heteronormative chatter and the tone of general contentment about your previous relationship. "So it goes," finally made me smile and feel like I understood you as a person who's more tired of the world not being the way it could be than he is perpetually grumpy about all the stupid people in it. After such a heavy-hearted tour of your life as it is versus how you want it to be (different, somewhere better), your proposal of an evening spent "squeeing" over anything and the photos of you actually enjoying stuff cinched that impression.
posted by teremala at 12:19 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm not in your target demographic.
Your profile makes me wonder why you wrote it. You seem to be trying to make yourself sound unappealing. You just haven't included anything that makes it seem like you're worth getting to know, though your pictures and a few other details suggest that you are. Your goals are unclear, there's a ton (of kind of boring meandering) about your professional background, and you don't seem interested in getting to know people in your current city. You seem unhappy.
It feels like a challenge almost? Like, 'Okay. Let's see who can get past THAT.'
posted by geegollygosh at 12:22 PM on October 1, 2014
Your profile makes me wonder why you wrote it. You seem to be trying to make yourself sound unappealing. You just haven't included anything that makes it seem like you're worth getting to know, though your pictures and a few other details suggest that you are. Your goals are unclear, there's a ton (of kind of boring meandering) about your professional background, and you don't seem interested in getting to know people in your current city. You seem unhappy.
It feels like a challenge almost? Like, 'Okay. Let's see who can get past THAT.'
posted by geegollygosh at 12:22 PM on October 1, 2014
Your disclaimer makes it sound like you are interested in a romantic relationship only with a person who is either bisexual or asexual. OK, I finished reading the profile and that *is* what you seem to mean, but your explanations are much more accessible further down.
Go back through and delete every instance where you talk about something you don't like. There's NOOOO way I'm going to hang out for an evening with someone who bitches about everything he hates all night, and that's what I'd fear if you messaged me. Actually, just delete the first three paragraphs and start with "So, what's my story."
Also tone down the "I hate it I'm moving" vibe. It's going to be hard to even make friends when you've got one foot out the door. Even if you do have one foot out the door, make it sound like it's at least worth the two minutes to respond to your message because your internet will still be on at your apartment tomorrow.
Totally up the archaeology stuff, I have a ton of questions I'd ask you about that and that's where the draw's going to be for people to message you.
posted by mibo at 4:33 PM on October 1, 2014
Go back through and delete every instance where you talk about something you don't like. There's NOOOO way I'm going to hang out for an evening with someone who bitches about everything he hates all night, and that's what I'd fear if you messaged me. Actually, just delete the first three paragraphs and start with "So, what's my story."
Also tone down the "I hate it I'm moving" vibe. It's going to be hard to even make friends when you've got one foot out the door. Even if you do have one foot out the door, make it sound like it's at least worth the two minutes to respond to your message because your internet will still be on at your apartment tomorrow.
Totally up the archaeology stuff, I have a ton of questions I'd ask you about that and that's where the draw's going to be for people to message you.
posted by mibo at 4:33 PM on October 1, 2014
Your picture does not look friendly and I stopped right there.
Smile, dammit. You look like you were just humoring the person that took your picture, just throwing them a half smile to make them happy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:07 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Smile, dammit. You look like you were just humoring the person that took your picture, just throwing them a half smile to make them happy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:07 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm a 95% match and I match your age and identity preferences. I'd probably have considered messaging you if I were single. Here are a few things I noticed (I'll try not to give too much unrequested advice and stick to describing my thought processes):
- You aren't interested in local relationships because you don't think you'll be there for long, so I would only message you if I was looking for something with no strings, which would be unlikely for me.
- You seem smart. If I were deciding whether to message you or not, my only reservation here is that there weren't quite enough clues in your profile for me to tell whether your deliberate use of Smart Person vocabulary was meant to signal your intelligence in the hopes of attracting people of similar tendencies, or to signal what a Very Very Smart Person you think you are. I found myself giving you the benefit of the doubt on that but adding just a comment or two that shows more humility might help balance things out. For the record, I find it very attractive when people are smart and comfortable with their intelligence - it's just that there's a subgenus of that type that just *always* has to be smarter than you and I'd want some assurance that you aren't THAT kind of Smart Guy.
- You seem very serious, and I mostly mean that in a good way. I would wonder if there was time in your life for another person, but I appreciate when people have their own things going on, and since I'm a low-maintenance partner it probably wouldn't bother me and might even be a net positive. It's funny, in abstract I agree with other posters that you seem to be a little bit adrift right now - you have more to say about NYC and London than about the place you live - but you also come off as very driven in your self-description. It's clear that you think you should go do that PhD even if you don't necessarily believe it's going to happen (the "at my age" comment undermined your certainty about where you're going). However, the other thing that's clear is that you are very hard on yourself and have high expectations. It's not enough to keep working in IT, you won't feel personally fulfilled without a more affirming career. I would be concerned that you would find it difficult to be content in the moment because you'd always feel like you could be doing better. I'd also be a little worried that you would be as critical of me as you seem to be of yourself.
- You also seem a bit severe. I absolutely adore Serious People but I need a little bit of playfulness and curiosity. You don't have to crack a bunch of jokes, but I would want to see something that gave me an idea of your sense of humor. Maybe I just didn't recognize the right shibboleths!
- Speaking of the shibboleths, I get what you were trying to do and I appreciated the clear explanation, but I felt like this took up so much space in your profile that it might alienate more people than it would bring in from search. It signals that all of those things are very important to you, maybe among the most important things in your life given how much room they took up. I found myself evaluating whether our narrow nerd interests had enough overlap, or whether you would look down on my taste if I wasn't into very similar things, or if it would be a dealbreaker if I wasn't seriously into gaming, which is some seriously fine hair-splitting that you may or may not want to do in a profile that's already so self-selective. The other issue with the shibboleths list is that I felt like you were expecting it to do a lot of the work of demonstrating your personality, but it didn't really work because I didn't get the nuance of your interests. n.b. I'm not active on OK Cupid so if this kind of list is de rigueur, I wouldn't know it.
In general, I'd say you've set up a very interesting sorting mechanism. Your responses will be highly self-selecting. Adding a bit more humor is what would make the biggest difference to me, and I suspect it would do a lot to increase your response rate. Your seriousness could be read as humorlessness, and I'd be looking for more indication that this wasn't the case - you don't have to come off as a laugh riot, just seem fun to talk to (not just interesting to talk to). The other thing that would make a big difference is a few sentences about what makes you happy. Not asking for "I like long walks on the beach" stuff, but how do you find moments of contentment in your life? What are the most important pleasures to you? It could even be a serious answer, like you find deep personal fulfillment in figuring out a system or solving a complex problem, but if you can summon up some joy when you write it, you will come off as much more likeable.
Finally, a bit of clarity about what you're looking for (beyond what you're NOT looking for) would help a lot. I would be very unsure whether to message you because I wouldn't be able to tell what you really wanted. Since you don't want to stay where you live, are you only looking for short-term stuff? Your profile seems so serious that you seem to be looking for a long-term partner, but every other signal you send seems to go against a longer-term relationship. You don't even seem like you want the companionship that much - it sends kind of an "eh, message me if you want" vibe, not necessarily like you sincerely want to bring a new person into your life.
posted by dialetheia at 10:12 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
- You aren't interested in local relationships because you don't think you'll be there for long, so I would only message you if I was looking for something with no strings, which would be unlikely for me.
- You seem smart. If I were deciding whether to message you or not, my only reservation here is that there weren't quite enough clues in your profile for me to tell whether your deliberate use of Smart Person vocabulary was meant to signal your intelligence in the hopes of attracting people of similar tendencies, or to signal what a Very Very Smart Person you think you are. I found myself giving you the benefit of the doubt on that but adding just a comment or two that shows more humility might help balance things out. For the record, I find it very attractive when people are smart and comfortable with their intelligence - it's just that there's a subgenus of that type that just *always* has to be smarter than you and I'd want some assurance that you aren't THAT kind of Smart Guy.
- You seem very serious, and I mostly mean that in a good way. I would wonder if there was time in your life for another person, but I appreciate when people have their own things going on, and since I'm a low-maintenance partner it probably wouldn't bother me and might even be a net positive. It's funny, in abstract I agree with other posters that you seem to be a little bit adrift right now - you have more to say about NYC and London than about the place you live - but you also come off as very driven in your self-description. It's clear that you think you should go do that PhD even if you don't necessarily believe it's going to happen (the "at my age" comment undermined your certainty about where you're going). However, the other thing that's clear is that you are very hard on yourself and have high expectations. It's not enough to keep working in IT, you won't feel personally fulfilled without a more affirming career. I would be concerned that you would find it difficult to be content in the moment because you'd always feel like you could be doing better. I'd also be a little worried that you would be as critical of me as you seem to be of yourself.
- You also seem a bit severe. I absolutely adore Serious People but I need a little bit of playfulness and curiosity. You don't have to crack a bunch of jokes, but I would want to see something that gave me an idea of your sense of humor. Maybe I just didn't recognize the right shibboleths!
- Speaking of the shibboleths, I get what you were trying to do and I appreciated the clear explanation, but I felt like this took up so much space in your profile that it might alienate more people than it would bring in from search. It signals that all of those things are very important to you, maybe among the most important things in your life given how much room they took up. I found myself evaluating whether our narrow nerd interests had enough overlap, or whether you would look down on my taste if I wasn't into very similar things, or if it would be a dealbreaker if I wasn't seriously into gaming, which is some seriously fine hair-splitting that you may or may not want to do in a profile that's already so self-selective. The other issue with the shibboleths list is that I felt like you were expecting it to do a lot of the work of demonstrating your personality, but it didn't really work because I didn't get the nuance of your interests. n.b. I'm not active on OK Cupid so if this kind of list is de rigueur, I wouldn't know it.
In general, I'd say you've set up a very interesting sorting mechanism. Your responses will be highly self-selecting. Adding a bit more humor is what would make the biggest difference to me, and I suspect it would do a lot to increase your response rate. Your seriousness could be read as humorlessness, and I'd be looking for more indication that this wasn't the case - you don't have to come off as a laugh riot, just seem fun to talk to (not just interesting to talk to). The other thing that would make a big difference is a few sentences about what makes you happy. Not asking for "I like long walks on the beach" stuff, but how do you find moments of contentment in your life? What are the most important pleasures to you? It could even be a serious answer, like you find deep personal fulfillment in figuring out a system or solving a complex problem, but if you can summon up some joy when you write it, you will come off as much more likeable.
Finally, a bit of clarity about what you're looking for (beyond what you're NOT looking for) would help a lot. I would be very unsure whether to message you because I wouldn't be able to tell what you really wanted. Since you don't want to stay where you live, are you only looking for short-term stuff? Your profile seems so serious that you seem to be looking for a long-term partner, but every other signal you send seems to go against a longer-term relationship. You don't even seem like you want the companionship that much - it sends kind of an "eh, message me if you want" vibe, not necessarily like you sincerely want to bring a new person into your life.
posted by dialetheia at 10:12 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
You're bi, you want to date someone bi, you're doing IT while trying to get into an archaeology Ph.D program, you live in Providence but aren't committed to Providence, you're open to a poly relationship, you have cats, and you write personal ads which are difficult to read.
posted by sockanalia at 11:18 PM on October 1, 2014
posted by sockanalia at 11:18 PM on October 1, 2014
I love all your photos except the first one. You have a very appealing look - tough but vulnerable. From your writing you're also clearly very intelligent with a lot of interesting interests, but you're going through a difficult transitional phase in your life. I'm also guessing that if you've recently moved to the states from Europe you've come from a culture where cynicism and negativity are much more acceptable in larger doses than they are in the states, even nowadays. As others have said, simplify and put a more positive spin on things and you'll do fine.
posted by hazyjane at 12:29 AM on October 2, 2014
posted by hazyjane at 12:29 AM on October 2, 2014
I had to come back to this one because I finally figured out the thing itching my brain. I'd never realized before that there could be a line between "You probably wouldn't deign to hang out with me" and "I probably wouldn't deign to hang out with you," and yet somehow you walk it in this profile. After looking at the thread, I notice that folks are reacting strongly to either one or the other of those, which may be why the responses are kind of all over the place.
The trick is that I don't think someone attracted by either statement would make for a healthy relationship. Someone who finds it attractive that you're down on yourself about your age, liminal status, and career prospects, ick. Someone who finds it attractive that you have better things to do than try to connect with someone on this weirdo site, also ick. There are a few little spots that make me think that neither of those statements apply (or both, and more. Y'know, complicated humans.) A lot of it sounds like one of my dearest friends, a seriously prickly person protecting a seriously tender heart.
If I was looking and in the right subpopulation I probably wouldn't contact you because I don't want someone who thinks either that they or I are not worthy. But if I ran into you somewhere, I suspect we'd be picking each other's brains about oddball games, ancient craft traditions meeting modern sensibilities, and anime in short order and having a grand old time. If that's the sort of thing you want, I think setting a more positive tone and maybe giving a couple of themes of the media you like, so that I, as someone messaging you, would have something to grab onto (though that might be my own greediness; basically everything on your list that I've heard of I love, and now I'm trying to sort the media formats out for recommendations, and you've made it difficult. I get your nerd taxonomy more or less, but I think making that a tiny bit easier for folks would make it seem like something more than search bait.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:01 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
The trick is that I don't think someone attracted by either statement would make for a healthy relationship. Someone who finds it attractive that you're down on yourself about your age, liminal status, and career prospects, ick. Someone who finds it attractive that you have better things to do than try to connect with someone on this weirdo site, also ick. There are a few little spots that make me think that neither of those statements apply (or both, and more. Y'know, complicated humans.) A lot of it sounds like one of my dearest friends, a seriously prickly person protecting a seriously tender heart.
If I was looking and in the right subpopulation I probably wouldn't contact you because I don't want someone who thinks either that they or I are not worthy. But if I ran into you somewhere, I suspect we'd be picking each other's brains about oddball games, ancient craft traditions meeting modern sensibilities, and anime in short order and having a grand old time. If that's the sort of thing you want, I think setting a more positive tone and maybe giving a couple of themes of the media you like, so that I, as someone messaging you, would have something to grab onto (though that might be my own greediness; basically everything on your list that I've heard of I love, and now I'm trying to sort the media formats out for recommendations, and you've made it difficult. I get your nerd taxonomy more or less, but I think making that a tiny bit easier for folks would make it seem like something more than search bait.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:01 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
« Older How to support someone who uses nonbinary pronouns... | Helping my mum cope with my father's death Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by alex1965 at 4:59 AM on October 1, 2014 [8 favorites]