how to break it off with someone I'm not quite dating?
July 7, 2014 7:40 PM Subscribe
I'm very inexperienced when it comes to romance so please bear with me. I can't tell if I've been somehow misleading or if this guy is just being clingy. I also don't know if I owe anyone an explanation. Details inside.
posted by DayTripper to Human Relations (23 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I met the first guy almost 2 months ago at a party. We had a nice night, went out for drinks, slept together. We had a lot of physical chemistry, but obviously I didn't know him well enough to know if we were compatible otherwise. I thought it would be a fun one-night stand and nothing more. Then he asked to cook me dinner a couple of days later. I was interested and went over. We had another nice night, this one a bit more romantic: we shared a bottle of wine over the dinner he'd made, cuddled, and watched a movie. He begged me to sleep over, offering me all the accommodations I tried to use as an excuse for not being able to stay (toothbrush/pajamas/etc). In the morning he woke up at 6 with me (usually he wakes up at 8) to make me coffee and walk me to the train, even giving me his umbrella at the station and continuing to his destination in the pouring rain.
While I deeply appreciated all his kindness, over the course of this second date I realized I wasn't that into him. I think he's a bit square, and not as ambitious as I'd like my partner to be. I didn't feel like he was passionate about anything. I never found myself daydreaming about him.
A few days later, he was leaving to visit his country of origin and insisted on seeing me on his way to the airport. I agreed, partly because I was relieved that he'd be out of town for a couple of weeks. We had a perfectly fine dinner, again no butterflies on my part, but I could sense that he was way more into me than I was into him. He messaged me almost every day while he was abroad, sending me pictures, asking about my days, etc.
During his time away I met another guy who totally swept me off my feet. He has all the kind, amazing qualities as the first guy except he DOES give me butterflies and I can't stop thinking about him. The new guy asked if I was dating anyone else, and I said no. Was that wrong? Am I dating the first guy? I feel like I was dishonest. Now I have this icky feeling. I don't know why I didn't say "I'm dating, but nothing serious." Is it immoral if I don't tell the new guy about the old one? Everything is going so perfectly and I don't want to create drama out of a small misstatement.
The first guy got back and immediately tried to make plans. I figured I'd just keep avoiding him until he got the hint. Then he told me he had brought me back a gift from his country. Now I feel obligated to at least see him in person and break things off that way, but what am I even breaking off? We never discussed exclusivity.
I made plans with the first guy for this week, because I don't know how to say no to people (a whole other problem of mine). As of now, the plans are dinner and a sleepover :( I am NOT comfortable having a sleepover with him while feeling so lovey-dovey with the new guy. The new guy and I have only kissed, but I already feel so connected to him and we have been having an amazing time together.
I either have to
a) cancel this date altogether (with what excuse!?)
b) end things in person (please tell me what to say)
c) go to dinner but make up an excuse for not being able to have a nightcap
d) end things via text (asshole move or saving him an awkward in-person convo?)
Please help me :(