Supporting friend with PTSD and dealing with my own anger
November 27, 2013 5:04 PM Subscribe
How do I support my friend, who was diagnosed with PTSD for severe sexual abuse? How do I deal with my own anger towards the perpetrators and guilt for not having done more?
My friend suffered years of sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. The rest of her family sided with the perpetrator and financially supported the person. My friend hasn't spoken to any of them in years and moved far away as soon as she could. The abuse has basically destroyed her life - drugs, abusive relationships, dropping out of school, etc.
I am a gentle person who lets spiders outside rather than kill them, but I burn with hatred at her family. I knew them well (my friend and I went to high school together) and the thought that I was in their house makes me want to vomit. I currently live several miles away from them and I have fantasies of violent revenge.
I feel guilty because I must have known what was going on while we were in high school (we were very close friends) yet I can't remember really having an understanding of the extent or impact of it. I would think that if I'd known, I would have done something about it, and it's tearing at me that I can't remember what I did or did not know at the time. Her family made a scene at my wedding and I regret having them there at all (they invited themselves, which is a long story, but I could have kicked them out).
My friend is in therapy and on medication. She is in a safe place (i.e. no abusive boyfriends, no contact with family). I do not want to burden her with my anger and guilt. I have my own therapist for unrelated issues but I can't see her for a few weeks. I am not an angry person at all so this reaction is catching me off guard and I don't know what to do with it.
My friend suffered years of sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. The rest of her family sided with the perpetrator and financially supported the person. My friend hasn't spoken to any of them in years and moved far away as soon as she could. The abuse has basically destroyed her life - drugs, abusive relationships, dropping out of school, etc.
I am a gentle person who lets spiders outside rather than kill them, but I burn with hatred at her family. I knew them well (my friend and I went to high school together) and the thought that I was in their house makes me want to vomit. I currently live several miles away from them and I have fantasies of violent revenge.
I feel guilty because I must have known what was going on while we were in high school (we were very close friends) yet I can't remember really having an understanding of the extent or impact of it. I would think that if I'd known, I would have done something about it, and it's tearing at me that I can't remember what I did or did not know at the time. Her family made a scene at my wedding and I regret having them there at all (they invited themselves, which is a long story, but I could have kicked them out).
My friend is in therapy and on medication. She is in a safe place (i.e. no abusive boyfriends, no contact with family). I do not want to burden her with my anger and guilt. I have my own therapist for unrelated issues but I can't see her for a few weeks. I am not an angry person at all so this reaction is catching me off guard and I don't know what to do with it.
The first step, I think, is to call your local rape crisis hotline. You can start by just talking it out, and they can make referrals for any services you think might be helpful. In general, rape crisis centers offer services to survivors and anyone impacted by the assault - friends, family, and significant others. I have no doubt you would qualify.
Also, you should know that this reaction ("secondary trauma" is what they call it in therapy-speak) is absolutely, 100% normal. It is good that you care for so much for your friend; this anger is a direct consequence of your love for her, so I think you should be gentle and accepting of that reaction to the extent that you are able. At the same time, I really respect you for understanding that this might not be the time to burden her with your unfiltered anger, and for committing to dealing with it proactively.
Finally, how do you usually care for yourself in difficult times? One of the 'facts' about secondary trauma is that it's not really that different from regular trauma - and your coping mechanisms for dealing when bad things happen to you ought to work just as well here. Running, yoga, movies, rest - take this pain as seriously as you would something that happened directly to you.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:15 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, you should know that this reaction ("secondary trauma" is what they call it in therapy-speak) is absolutely, 100% normal. It is good that you care for so much for your friend; this anger is a direct consequence of your love for her, so I think you should be gentle and accepting of that reaction to the extent that you are able. At the same time, I really respect you for understanding that this might not be the time to burden her with your unfiltered anger, and for committing to dealing with it proactively.
Finally, how do you usually care for yourself in difficult times? One of the 'facts' about secondary trauma is that it's not really that different from regular trauma - and your coping mechanisms for dealing when bad things happen to you ought to work just as well here. Running, yoga, movies, rest - take this pain as seriously as you would something that happened directly to you.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:15 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Why do you think you knew what was happening? Is that really accurate? The tone of your post suggests that you've just heard about this. It seems likely you did not know or that you were unable to take in the information you did get.
You could call your therapist and either ask for an emergency appointment / call or for an appointment with their backup. Most therapists leave a backup behind. RAINN has suggestions for helping a friend or family member who been the victim of abuse, while taking care of yourself. Suggestions include seeking counseling.
posted by bunderful at 5:17 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
You could call your therapist and either ask for an emergency appointment / call or for an appointment with their backup. Most therapists leave a backup behind. RAINN has suggestions for helping a friend or family member who been the victim of abuse, while taking care of yourself. Suggestions include seeking counseling.
posted by bunderful at 5:17 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's okay to be angry, especially in a situation like this. How can we not be angry when we discover that somebody has hurt someone we love as badly as this person hurt your friend? Rather than letting your anger fester, though, be productive with it. Channel fierce thoughts into actions with positive outcomes. Volunteer at a woman's shelter where abuse is a common and rampant part of life stories among the women living there. Write letters to the abusers expressing your distress and anger and don't send them. And just keep showing your friend the same love you've shown her as long as you've known each other. If you'd have known that this was going on, you would have done something. It is okay that you didn't know. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you can't. It's okay. You've got the right attitude here and you'll make sense of it eventually.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:18 PM on November 27, 2013
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:18 PM on November 27, 2013
Response by poster: Is this new information?
Yes and no. I've known the basic outlines of what happened and who did it for years, but the PTSD diagnosis is new, and she's had to drop out of a prestigious program that she worked really hard for. That's what really set me off. (Plus she's told me some specifics about the abuse that make it all the more vivid and horrible in my mind.)
posted by fantoche at 5:21 PM on November 27, 2013
Yes and no. I've known the basic outlines of what happened and who did it for years, but the PTSD diagnosis is new, and she's had to drop out of a prestigious program that she worked really hard for. That's what really set me off. (Plus she's told me some specifics about the abuse that make it all the more vivid and horrible in my mind.)
posted by fantoche at 5:21 PM on November 27, 2013
Your headline says "supporting friend with PTSD..." yet I'm struck by the fact that your entire post is about you. You were not part of this story and didn't have information that would have saved your friend from abuse. It's right that you feel outraged because something terrible happened to someone you know, but I would find a way to turn your mental energy toward your friend and her healing rather than focusing on yourself when nothing in this situation involved you.
posted by cecic at 5:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by cecic at 5:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you can let yourself off the hook with the guilt. It seems likely that if you had known, and if there was anything you could have done, you would have done that. Given that you didn't do anything, and given that you were good friends, it makes sense that you couldn't have known and/or there was nothing you could have done. The alternative is that you had this period you don't remember of choosing to let your friend suffer. That just doesn't seem likely to me from what you described.
As for feeling angry, I agree that you just have to feel your feelings, but try not to go around and around with them.
posted by bleep at 5:47 PM on November 27, 2013
As for feeling angry, I agree that you just have to feel your feelings, but try not to go around and around with them.
posted by bleep at 5:47 PM on November 27, 2013
I think it is absolutely fine (and reasonable) to feel angry about such things, it's how you choose to deal with it that matters. So, instead of seething with revenge fantasies, donate to a charity or become a member of an organization that deals with these matters. It's a small step, but it's a productive one.
I feel guilty because I must have known what was going on while we were in high school (we were very close friends) yet I can't remember really having an understanding of the extent or impact of it. I would think that if I'd known, I would have done something about it, and it's tearing at me that I can't remember what I did or did not know at the time.
It sounds like you're trying to shoulder the responsibility here of not just your behaviour (as a child) but the behaviour of her family. They should have protected her. They are the ones who failed her, not you. You, being a child, were not in a position to do anything - that's part of where the anger comes from, that feeling of powerlessness. As an adult, you can help to give voice to the voiceless and the powerless by getting involved in those causes as I mentioned above. But you can't rescue your high school friend from her family nor did you have the responsibility to.
In terms of helping your friend - just be her friend as you have done. Listen and be calm. I would definitely bring this up with your therapist when you see them (about how this new information has affected you). But, by and large, I recommend channeling such anger into the cause on a wider level.
posted by heyjude at 6:06 PM on November 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
I feel guilty because I must have known what was going on while we were in high school (we were very close friends) yet I can't remember really having an understanding of the extent or impact of it. I would think that if I'd known, I would have done something about it, and it's tearing at me that I can't remember what I did or did not know at the time.
It sounds like you're trying to shoulder the responsibility here of not just your behaviour (as a child) but the behaviour of her family. They should have protected her. They are the ones who failed her, not you. You, being a child, were not in a position to do anything - that's part of where the anger comes from, that feeling of powerlessness. As an adult, you can help to give voice to the voiceless and the powerless by getting involved in those causes as I mentioned above. But you can't rescue your high school friend from her family nor did you have the responsibility to.
In terms of helping your friend - just be her friend as you have done. Listen and be calm. I would definitely bring this up with your therapist when you see them (about how this new information has affected you). But, by and large, I recommend channeling such anger into the cause on a wider level.
posted by heyjude at 6:06 PM on November 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
Sometimes we feel guilt because taking responsibility for [big event we did not cause] is much easier than admitting that we have no control over [big events]. I very much second the suggestion to call a rape crisis hotline, and I wonder if you can start to look at your guilt as an indication NOT that you did something wrong but instead that you very compassionately wish that you could have done more, but it was outside your control.
posted by jaguar at 6:29 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:29 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your headline says "supporting friend with PTSD..." yet I'm struck by the fact that your entire post is about you. You were not part of this story and didn't have information that would have saved your friend from abuse. It's right that you feel outraged because something terrible happened to someone you know, but I would find a way to turn your mental energy toward your friend and her healing rather than focusing on yourself when nothing in this situation involved you.
I have to agree with this. Why is it important for you to insert yourself into her story to be supportive and helpful, when it had nothing to do with you? Maybe you should talk to a counselor to figure that part out because you might just be a burden to her if she senses it's upsetting to you.
posted by discopolo at 6:43 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have to agree with this. Why is it important for you to insert yourself into her story to be supportive and helpful, when it had nothing to do with you? Maybe you should talk to a counselor to figure that part out because you might just be a burden to her if she senses it's upsetting to you.
posted by discopolo at 6:43 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Anger is often rooted in fear. You talk about these people "inviting themselves" to your wedding. I think most likely you are feeling not very safe yourself in the here and now. It is a kind of monster under the bed scenario. You are just now realizing that there are monsters in the world, some of those monsters know you personally and you have zero idea how to protect yourself. They can barge in to your life at any time and you now know they are capable of not merely rudeness but unspeakable horrors.
You need to come up with a plan to get these people out of your life and keep yourself and your wife safe. Also, make sure you do not reveal to them where your friend is.
posted by Michele in California at 8:04 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
You need to come up with a plan to get these people out of your life and keep yourself and your wife safe. Also, make sure you do not reveal to them where your friend is.
posted by Michele in California at 8:04 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I just want to pop back into the thread and say that the people who are saying "it had nothing to do with you" may be right in a technical sense-and certainly the people who are reassuring you that there's nothing you could have done are spot on--but lord, please do not add a layer of guilt and self-doubt onto the burden you're already carrying. Counseling will be useful, sure, but not in the sense that you need to delve deep into your psyche figure out "why" you're reacting that way. There is nothing more natural, when someone we love is hurt, than to try to and figure out what we could have done to make things come out differently. As someone eloquently said, above, sometimes anger is easier to feel at first than an acceptance of powerlessness. You will get there, though some trace of this anger may stay and power some really important activism down the road, and that's a good thing.
In the meantime, though, you will be the best and most supportive friend by taking care of yourself. Therefore, the absolutely last thing you want to do is to sweep this anger under the rug because you don't "deserve' to feel it, or beat yourself up about feeling overwhelmed or angry, since the assault didn't happen to you. No, the assault didn't happen to you, but learning that something like this happened to someone you loved, and it was done by people you trusted, is a thing all on its own. Recognizing that, and taking it seriously, is a really important step.
I think you sound very emotionally intelligent, in that you recognize that your anger is not your friend's to deal with, and so you came here for some help. That's really, really good. If you want more resources about how, specifically, to support your friend, I'm sure we can help you find them. But all of those resources will also say what most of us are saying here: that you have to take care of yourself in order to care for her.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
In the meantime, though, you will be the best and most supportive friend by taking care of yourself. Therefore, the absolutely last thing you want to do is to sweep this anger under the rug because you don't "deserve' to feel it, or beat yourself up about feeling overwhelmed or angry, since the assault didn't happen to you. No, the assault didn't happen to you, but learning that something like this happened to someone you loved, and it was done by people you trusted, is a thing all on its own. Recognizing that, and taking it seriously, is a really important step.
I think you sound very emotionally intelligent, in that you recognize that your anger is not your friend's to deal with, and so you came here for some help. That's really, really good. If you want more resources about how, specifically, to support your friend, I'm sure we can help you find them. But all of those resources will also say what most of us are saying here: that you have to take care of yourself in order to care for her.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
It sounds like a kind of survivor's guilt. No one is going to blame a high school student for not stopping a friend's sexual abuse by her family -- what could you have possibly done, even if you'd had all the information? Try to focus on supporting what she needs from you right now. Adult friendship, support if she needs or wants to talk about it, and, most of all, not talking about it if she doesn't want to and encouraging her at everything she does to move on from her past. It sounds like she's doing a great job at this, and I really think that you should focus on that instead of her past. I think you should work out your residual anger and guilt with a little bit of short term therapy, focusing on resolving the violent revenge fantasies, since those probably aren't too healthy for your psyche to be harboring.
When I was an adult I found out that a childhood friend of mine was sexually abused by her family for years, and all adults knew. Their consensus was to not alert the authorities for reasons I do not comprehend. I expressed my anger to my mother over it, I'm still angry and disgusted. The adult part of my mind thought I should have known and done something -- but it can forgive the child (not the adult) for innocent silence and inaction.
posted by mibo at 9:08 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
When I was an adult I found out that a childhood friend of mine was sexually abused by her family for years, and all adults knew. Their consensus was to not alert the authorities for reasons I do not comprehend. I expressed my anger to my mother over it, I'm still angry and disgusted. The adult part of my mind thought I should have known and done something -- but it can forgive the child (not the adult) for innocent silence and inaction.
posted by mibo at 9:08 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
I remembered after posting that when I was in my late teens I learned that some of the loved and trusted adults in my life were involved in unethical and abusive behavior. I didn't know the victims, but I was very upset and in something like shock for a few days after finding out. My mental map - of who I could trust, where I was safe, and heck, what the whole world was like - had just been completely re-written.
I think part of your feelings are based on empathy and concern for your friend, but also perhaps your own map has been re-written. Even though you had the outline before, if you got this information when you were a teen you might not have been able to fully process it. I know there were many things that I knew about and simply accepted when I was a teen, which would have me calling the police if they happened now. Even if I had the technical knowledge of "X did Y to Z" I wasn't capable of grasping the full implications.
Give yourself some time.
posted by bunderful at 8:24 AM on November 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think part of your feelings are based on empathy and concern for your friend, but also perhaps your own map has been re-written. Even though you had the outline before, if you got this information when you were a teen you might not have been able to fully process it. I know there were many things that I knew about and simply accepted when I was a teen, which would have me calling the police if they happened now. Even if I had the technical knowledge of "X did Y to Z" I wasn't capable of grasping the full implications.
Give yourself some time.
posted by bunderful at 8:24 AM on November 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
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posted by Sequence at 5:11 PM on November 27, 2013