Dealing with the company holiday party
November 27, 2013 4:47 PM Subscribe
How can I better handle the dreaded company holiday party without freaking out?
Ok so I will be going to a company holiday party in a couple of weeks. First...I don't really work for the company they basically work for me but it's a more a less a 2 way street business partner type of deal. I need them, they need me. They work with many clients in my line of work. The holiday party will be at a nice restaraunt/bar. So the my problem is I'm really bad at these parties. I'm not the type of person who can easily socialize at a party. Especially by myself(no spouses/dates aloud at this party). It gets to the point where I sometimes start to freak out when I'm standing by myself. Even worse, I'm so nervous when I talk to any of the partners at the company I feel like I come off as either extremely socially awkward or maybe even mean. In short...I hate these type of fancy, networking events. So much so that I'd rather just not go. But I think that would be a mistake. Any tips for how to be less anxious about the whole thing and actually maybe have fun? Any tips for how to carry on meaningful conversations but also how to know when to move on from talking to someone? On the plus side my line of work is very interesting, and I'll get to meet many interesting people in the business which can be fun. But the awkward conversations, the fake hugs, the knowing what to say and what not to say...makes me wanna just pull my hair out! Any help here is great!
Ok so I will be going to a company holiday party in a couple of weeks. First...I don't really work for the company they basically work for me but it's a more a less a 2 way street business partner type of deal. I need them, they need me. They work with many clients in my line of work. The holiday party will be at a nice restaraunt/bar. So the my problem is I'm really bad at these parties. I'm not the type of person who can easily socialize at a party. Especially by myself(no spouses/dates aloud at this party). It gets to the point where I sometimes start to freak out when I'm standing by myself. Even worse, I'm so nervous when I talk to any of the partners at the company I feel like I come off as either extremely socially awkward or maybe even mean. In short...I hate these type of fancy, networking events. So much so that I'd rather just not go. But I think that would be a mistake. Any tips for how to be less anxious about the whole thing and actually maybe have fun? Any tips for how to carry on meaningful conversations but also how to know when to move on from talking to someone? On the plus side my line of work is very interesting, and I'll get to meet many interesting people in the business which can be fun. But the awkward conversations, the fake hugs, the knowing what to say and what not to say...makes me wanna just pull my hair out! Any help here is great!
Can you make an early appearance, hang out a little, then explain that you have to go soon because you have to be somewhere else?
Knowing your attendance at the party is finite is a good way for calming yourself beforehand. In similar situations, I often say to myself, "Okay, I'll stay for one drink/half an hour/until Bob gets here," and then I either make polite excuses and head out, or I find I'm in the swing of things and stay a bit longer.
Make sure some of the people you deal with regularly get some facetime with you, even if it's just "Hi/terrible weather, isn't it?/Are you sick of eating all this food yet?" kind of small talk.
posted by vickyverky at 5:06 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Knowing your attendance at the party is finite is a good way for calming yourself beforehand. In similar situations, I often say to myself, "Okay, I'll stay for one drink/half an hour/until Bob gets here," and then I either make polite excuses and head out, or I find I'm in the swing of things and stay a bit longer.
Make sure some of the people you deal with regularly get some facetime with you, even if it's just "Hi/terrible weather, isn't it?/Are you sick of eating all this food yet?" kind of small talk.
posted by vickyverky at 5:06 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like you're afraid of putting people off, but in hyper-preparing yourself to not put people off you end up making a self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself. What is it exactly that you're afraid of? Are you afraid you look strange if you're by yourself temporarily? Are you concerned about alienating business partners, thereby jeopardizing your income and/or business prospects? Get to the root of what it is that really makes you nervous, and then work outwards. Chances are, once you identify that one big thing, you'll start to see a few ways to remedy that concern right off the bat.
As you investigate the source of your concern, consider these tips for feeling more at ease around other people in a party session (provided by me, introvert numero uno at my company):
Enjoy the party. I bet you're as interesting as everyone else is in this industry but you haven't practiced that part of yourself yet in a social setting as often as other people do. ;)
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:10 PM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
As you investigate the source of your concern, consider these tips for feeling more at ease around other people in a party session (provided by me, introvert numero uno at my company):
1. You are not the center of attention, so you do not have to be the sole source of entertainment, cheer, humor, etc. You just have to be there and enjoy yourself. The onus is not on you!This is just one party in the grand scheme of things. Few people will remember what you do because they will be way too wrapped up in themselves and their weird trips to focus on you and all your minutiae. Don't sweat it.
2. Listen more than you talk. You said that your work is interesting and that other people in the business are interesting. GREAT! The onus is off you again to be interesting. The extroverts at the party will likely be naturally inclined to take up all the oxygen in the room to talk with. Let them! Smile, nod, and when you can, ask a few questions to help draw more out of these talkers. You'll be liked for it.
3. When someone asks you about you, give a brief answer, then ask that person the same question about themselves (unless that question is rude; ignore that noise, yo.) Interesting people are interested in others.
4. If and when you find yourself alone, start walking around. Admire the decorations, admire the food, run to the bathroom, smile pleasantly, etc. No one will notice that you're by yourself, and if they do, good people will ask you to join them, lousy people will be weird about it, and you should only focus on the former if that scenario happens. Lousy people are stupid and their opinions don't matter.
5. Don't stay super long. I mentally commit to an hour to and hour and a half at parties because I too struggle with human beings and their seemingly inexhaustible ability to party into the wee hours of the morning. It was only when I realized that I am not obligated to hang out any longer than I want to that I started really enjoying myself. You have that freedom too. Exercise it!
Enjoy the party. I bet you're as interesting as everyone else is in this industry but you haven't practiced that part of yourself yet in a social setting as often as other people do. ;)
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:10 PM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Before you even get there, put on clothes that you feel good in--that is, something that's comfortable to wear and you feel like you look good in. Feeling uncomfortable in my clothes always amplifies any other discomfort I might be feeling!
Be prepared for the fact that many of your conversations will be brief, superficial, "Hi it's great to see you!" *awkward hug* "How have you been?" sort of things where you'll respond briefly ("Good to see you, too!" and "Fine, thanks, you?") and then move the heck on. And that's OK! Those conversations let you make brief connections that will help people remember you later, even if it was only three minutes and no one said a thing of substance.
If there's someone you genuinely want (or need) to talk to, well, you said it yourself, your line of work is very interesting and you'll meet many interesting people, so you've got plenty of talk about! Asking people questions about themselves is always good for keeping conversation going, but try not to let it be an interview--add in some information about yourself, occasionally, too. Stuff to talk about: What you're working on, how great you thought the other person's last project was, the food or drinks at the party (if you and your coworkers are the types who enjoy talking about food and drink), anything else in your field. You have a lot in common with these people!
Maybe eat beforehand so you don't have to worry about getting enough to eat there and socializing while dealing with food. Have a drink in your hand if you think you're going to fidget nervously. If you and alcohol get along well, maybe a cocktail or two will help, too.
And don't be afraid to leave when you need to leave. If you show up, let your face be seen, have a couple conversations, and then still aren't having fun, leave. People will remember you were there and (unless this is a tiiiiiny company) probably not notice or remember that you weren't there the whole time.
posted by rhiannonstone at 5:15 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Be prepared for the fact that many of your conversations will be brief, superficial, "Hi it's great to see you!" *awkward hug* "How have you been?" sort of things where you'll respond briefly ("Good to see you, too!" and "Fine, thanks, you?") and then move the heck on. And that's OK! Those conversations let you make brief connections that will help people remember you later, even if it was only three minutes and no one said a thing of substance.
If there's someone you genuinely want (or need) to talk to, well, you said it yourself, your line of work is very interesting and you'll meet many interesting people, so you've got plenty of talk about! Asking people questions about themselves is always good for keeping conversation going, but try not to let it be an interview--add in some information about yourself, occasionally, too. Stuff to talk about: What you're working on, how great you thought the other person's last project was, the food or drinks at the party (if you and your coworkers are the types who enjoy talking about food and drink), anything else in your field. You have a lot in common with these people!
Maybe eat beforehand so you don't have to worry about getting enough to eat there and socializing while dealing with food. Have a drink in your hand if you think you're going to fidget nervously. If you and alcohol get along well, maybe a cocktail or two will help, too.
And don't be afraid to leave when you need to leave. If you show up, let your face be seen, have a couple conversations, and then still aren't having fun, leave. People will remember you were there and (unless this is a tiiiiiny company) probably not notice or remember that you weren't there the whole time.
posted by rhiannonstone at 5:15 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Sometimes, it helps me to basically create a little project out of this kind of social situation. Have a slightly offbeat question that you ask everyone, which you can break out when the conversation hits a lull. It should be offbeat enough that it doesn't come off as an awkward segue -- it's too far off normal conversation for that -- but not so offbeat that it makes people feel uncomfortable. Bonus points if it's an unimportant thing that people tend to feel strongly about.
Examples might be:
I'm doing an informal survey...
- do you think a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable?
- do you use or avoid the Oxford comma?
- do you think the toilet paper should feed off the front or the back of the roll?
- cats or dogs?
- if you were a season, what season would you be, and why?
Ideally, you do this in groups of people, so conversation between them as they discuss their opinions can carry on for a while.
posted by rosa at 6:13 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Examples might be:
I'm doing an informal survey...
- do you think a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable?
- do you use or avoid the Oxford comma?
- do you think the toilet paper should feed off the front or the back of the roll?
- cats or dogs?
- if you were a season, what season would you be, and why?
Ideally, you do this in groups of people, so conversation between them as they discuss their opinions can carry on for a while.
posted by rosa at 6:13 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Someone else at this party where be feeling unsure of what to do or who to talk to. Find that person. I hate those things and honestly, I usually do let my anxiety win and I skip them. But usually when I go, I can find some people who are happy just to have someone to stand and talk to, so I rarely end up standing by myself feeling weird.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:29 PM on November 27, 2013
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:29 PM on November 27, 2013
Best answer: I recently checked this book out from the library: http://www.amazon.com/First-Impressions-What-About-Others/dp/0553382012
It is extremely well-written. This book is great at showing you how to talk with people, first meeting or not.
The book goes into detail on how to open up a conversation, what to comment on first, how to know if you are boring your conversation partner, how to improve listening, etc. It shows us how in some instances we may think we are being interesting, offbeat, or informed, but maybe, in reality, we are coming off as self-absorbed or dull.
It's a great book for social and business situations. I have already been testing it out and I notice people responding to me more positively. I look forward to meeting new people so I can practice my skills. I think I am pretty good in most social situations but this book serves as a good reminder what to do and what not to do. A lot of us have some bad habits when it comes to socializing and this book helps correct them.
Good luck and have fun at the party.
posted by Fairchild at 6:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
It is extremely well-written. This book is great at showing you how to talk with people, first meeting or not.
The book goes into detail on how to open up a conversation, what to comment on first, how to know if you are boring your conversation partner, how to improve listening, etc. It shows us how in some instances we may think we are being interesting, offbeat, or informed, but maybe, in reality, we are coming off as self-absorbed or dull.
It's a great book for social and business situations. I have already been testing it out and I notice people responding to me more positively. I look forward to meeting new people so I can practice my skills. I think I am pretty good in most social situations but this book serves as a good reminder what to do and what not to do. A lot of us have some bad habits when it comes to socializing and this book helps correct them.
Good luck and have fun at the party.
posted by Fairchild at 6:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm doing an informal survey...
- do you think a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable?
- do you use or avoid the Oxford comma?
- do you think the toilet paper should feed off the front or the back of the roll?
- cats or dogs?
- if you were a season, what season would you be, and why?
No offense if this is anyone's preferred conversational style, but I have been going to corporate holiday functions for decades and have never seen it employed. I do not recommend it unless you wish to be seen as unusual or eccentric. These aren't terrible qualities, necessarily, but I don't think that's what the OP is going for. Better to stick with mutual topics of interest, the weather, and the standard niceties. No need to aspire to be the life of the party or the one who facilitates fascinating conversations between strangers. Being agreeable is quite enough. Oh, and as for moving between people, it always works to just say, "Great talking to you; I'm going to go get another soda!" or something like that at an appropriate lull in the conversation.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:34 PM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
- do you think a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable?
- do you use or avoid the Oxford comma?
- do you think the toilet paper should feed off the front or the back of the roll?
- cats or dogs?
- if you were a season, what season would you be, and why?
No offense if this is anyone's preferred conversational style, but I have been going to corporate holiday functions for decades and have never seen it employed. I do not recommend it unless you wish to be seen as unusual or eccentric. These aren't terrible qualities, necessarily, but I don't think that's what the OP is going for. Better to stick with mutual topics of interest, the weather, and the standard niceties. No need to aspire to be the life of the party or the one who facilitates fascinating conversations between strangers. Being agreeable is quite enough. Oh, and as for moving between people, it always works to just say, "Great talking to you; I'm going to go get another soda!" or something like that at an appropriate lull in the conversation.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:34 PM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
The secret of these sorts of parties -- especially if you're an outside vendor or contractor or the like -- is that you don't have to go and stay there for hours. You drop in, have a drink, make an appearance with the people you actually know, maybe mingle with some strangers if it happens organically, and then duck out.
posted by Sara C. at 7:28 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 7:28 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, my secret for mingling is to mostly let people talk about themselves. I find that you don't even really need special interesting icebreaker questions. Stuff like "What do you do?" and "How to do you know so and so?" works wonders.
I'm female, so I also get a lot of mileage out of things like "I love that cardigan!" But there are a million situational things about people that make good conversation openers. "Ah, Guinness, good choice!" "Is that a mini-quiche?" "I see they finally let you guys out of the accounting department, huh?" "Are you doing any traveling for the holidays?"
The great thing about work parties is that there's something that vaguely connects everyone there, and also there's drinking, so social inhibitions are slightly lowered. It would sound dumb to strike up a conversation about mini-quiches in any other context, but at a work party you can start with mini-quiches and be deep in conversation thirty seconds later.
And again, remember that you're only making an appearance, so you only have to do this like three times and then you can leave.
You are also always allowed to abruptly end a conversation by seeing someone else you have to say hi to, or pretending to do so.
posted by Sara C. at 7:34 PM on November 27, 2013
I'm female, so I also get a lot of mileage out of things like "I love that cardigan!" But there are a million situational things about people that make good conversation openers. "Ah, Guinness, good choice!" "Is that a mini-quiche?" "I see they finally let you guys out of the accounting department, huh?" "Are you doing any traveling for the holidays?"
The great thing about work parties is that there's something that vaguely connects everyone there, and also there's drinking, so social inhibitions are slightly lowered. It would sound dumb to strike up a conversation about mini-quiches in any other context, but at a work party you can start with mini-quiches and be deep in conversation thirty seconds later.
And again, remember that you're only making an appearance, so you only have to do this like three times and then you can leave.
You are also always allowed to abruptly end a conversation by seeing someone else you have to say hi to, or pretending to do so.
posted by Sara C. at 7:34 PM on November 27, 2013
Seconding Wordwoman on the unusual questions tactic. You will get a lot of "umm...sorry, what?" responses if you do this, which I highly doubt it will ease your discomfort of being at the party.
Best thing I can suggest to fight your anxiety is to remember that everyone else feels some unease in these social situations (even if it isn't readily apparent to you). Feeling like you don't quite "fit in" is very common. And, try not to worry to much about what you say or are wearing - I know I always overanalyze every little word I stumbled over or goofy sentence I uttered, but the reality is that no one but me focuses on these things. Small talk is hard for me but there are good suggestions in here - weather, holiday plans, etc. are all good conversation starters.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:39 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best thing I can suggest to fight your anxiety is to remember that everyone else feels some unease in these social situations (even if it isn't readily apparent to you). Feeling like you don't quite "fit in" is very common. And, try not to worry to much about what you say or are wearing - I know I always overanalyze every little word I stumbled over or goofy sentence I uttered, but the reality is that no one but me focuses on these things. Small talk is hard for me but there are good suggestions in here - weather, holiday plans, etc. are all good conversation starters.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:39 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the comments and helpful ideas for making the party less agonizing! I think these birds of a feather made some of the best points. Truth be told...yes I'm worried that if I don't make a good impression at this thing, it will affect my business with the company possibly resulting in less business. But I like what everyone had to say here. I feel better about the party already!
posted by ljs30 at 2:44 PM on November 28, 2013
posted by ljs30 at 2:44 PM on November 28, 2013
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You're going to be in a bar/restaurant. If you're really stuck, say to the nearest person, "Look at those [nearby things/people], aren't they [adjective]?", and proceed from there.
posted by cincinnatus c at 5:05 PM on November 27, 2013