I’m Male in my late 20s; I need help figuring out what to do about my relationship, I’ve tried breaking up a few times, but every time I get to it something in my head stops me... What can I do?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)
We’ve been together 3 months. He’s 2 years younger and neither of us has been in a relationship so things have been difficult. I was always very insecure and very overweight with lots of medical issues which meant I’ve never really had a lot of options or the confidence to pursue anything. His story is that he has had a lot of casual sex with strangers (50-100 apparently) including 3 ways and being in videos. He says he had arranged to be in a 7 way and something snapped in his head were he felt used like an object, damaged and couldn’t let anyone touch him for months. He concluded he doesn’t want to be alone and wants to try something with emotions.
The difficulty is that I don’t trust him, we met online, I’ve never met anyone in his life and I don’t think I will, he keeps making excuses/breaking promises and says he is not out to his family. He has met all my friends and some family. After our second date I removed my online profile but about a month in he was still using several, I asked, he said I could trust him and he was just talking to friends. I said he needed to delete them because I wasn’t happy that they clearly had phones to contact them. He turned it around, asked if I thought he was cheating and said he was hurt I didn’t trust him.
Secondly, he was always very secretive with his phone, I could see over his shoulder a lot of messages from unsaved numbers and one day a message came through from a contact saved as “Hot Guy” I got annoyed and he said he didn’t even know who it was that he saved it when in a bar and was just going to delete it that he has a lot of contacts with nicknames like “Cub” and “Guy”. He always hid his phone when showing/looking at things, I noticed for a second once there were sexual pictures in his phone. He said that they were from his past that I couldn’t see them that they would only hurt me that he would delete them. It kind of hurt that he wouldn’t send me any when he has sent them so many times to strangers.
Thirdly, about 2 months in he was googling something and I seen in the history that the last thing he googled was a website where men meet for sex, it’s not even a dating site, the profile pictures are of genitals and there is no socialising only “local cruising spots”. I asked him why he was using them and he said he was only curious and has never met anyone. I asked had he messaged anyone and he said no that it was the same as porn for him. He said he couldn’t cheat on me or do that to me that he would end things first, I asked about splitting up and he said he didn’t want to that he cared for me a lot that we had come too far and would delete all the sites the next day.
So here we are 3 months in, and something was still not sitting right with me. We both got drunk the other weekend and he passed out in bed. I felt really bad and I don’t know why I did, but something made me look through his phone. He had actually messaged someone online a few weeks ago asking them to send pictures to him. And he had saved one of their dirty pictures to his phone about 10 days before that so I knew he must be using it the whole time we were together. In the phone there were lots of pictures he had taken of himself and of other guys, there were also pictures and videos of him having sex unprotected with men, one in his house with a guy he told me was his friends with, and he said he never took anyone home and he said he always used protection! I can’t get the image out of my head, I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t stop thinking about it, the visual is there when I close my eyes, I get this horrible anxious feeling in my gut and I just want to scream. I created false profiles online and find myself constantly checking to see if he is online, any time his phone goes now I feel destroyed…
He doesn’t know that I know because he will go mad that I’ve broken his privacy and I feel bad about it , plus the last time I mentioned the website he made me feel guilty saying that I don’t trust him and I need to get over my trust issues. I know he has deleted them but I keep thinking he has just made new sites with different usernames.
Aside from the difficulty, we’ve been seeing each other several times a week, having lots of fun, he makes me laugh, we have shared interests, he says for him things are so easy and he really likes me, he wanted to be exclusive first. I feel like I can give a lot to help him change and step away from the big casual sex world he has been in for years, that it’s just going to take time, like he can’t help himself. It hurts that we haven’t been properly intimate and that he insists it is okay for him to watch porn even though I’m not comfortable with that. So, I have no actual proof that he has physically met anyone, but he’s so cold and numb with me, do you think someone leading that sort of life can ever change? I want someone who is affectionate and warm and open, he’s not very emotionally supportive or sympathetic with my needs and it seems everything is on his terms.
I can tell he is comfortable with me but I sometimes think he just enjoys the endless affection, praise, compliments and companionship while not really being attracted to me, he has never instigated kissing or seemed overly excited/out of control the way I do. He says his past means he has lost his sex drive and he needs time for us to build up to having sex, we have done a few sexual things, but infrequently and always me kind of forcing it through being really attracted to him and losing it a bit which makes me feel sleazy cause he stops it. He says he just wants to focus on us fopr now, that he loves me and wants to be there for me when my kidneys fail and my health gets bad, so I feel so guilty and any time I have built up the courage to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore he says something loving like this and I can’t go through with it cause he’s he first guy to ever accept all my issues too. But I’m so anxious all the time when I’m not with him about what he may be doing I’m so hurt but I don’t want to be alone… I’m going crazy! Why can’t I do it, why do I keep wanting to forget and think its my doubt and fear of opening up and wait and retry?
Can someone who has only ever really had casual sex and seems to have an addiction to mechanical impersonal gratification, has little friends and no family bonds move away from that and be traditionally romantic and intimate?
Is it wrong to be uncomfortable with your partner looking at porn and have whole image albums of them naked? How do people string people along when you find it so hard to understand?
Can you learn to trust someone who hides things they know will hurt you from their past, show little sign of actively changing but respond to prompts and demands to change and move forward?
How can you break up with someone who doesn’t like weakness, drama and tears when you know it’s the only way you can do it because it’s the way you are?
Thank you guys so much in advance, i've been here a while and your confidence and support is beyond comparrison... firstname.lastname@example.org